


The Mind Lies, Not The Heart

by Elveny, Kunstpause



Series: Precipice of Change [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anders (Dragon Age) Positive, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Cullen Rutherford Positive, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Fenris positive, Friends With Benefits, Friendship, Gen, Get it while it's hot!, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kinky Cullen Rutherford, Lore Exploration, Mage-Templar Dynamics (Dragon Age), Mages and Templars, Multi, Mutual Pining, Now with 66 percent less filler words and 78 percent more commas, Original Character(s), Pining, Polyamory, Romance, Smut, The Plot Thickens, at least both Bethany and Carver do, honestly they're all getting the character development and love they deserve, so much pining, the redemption arc cullen deserves, two main characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:46:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 190,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23497735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elveny/pseuds/Elveny, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kunstpause/pseuds/Kunstpause
Summary: With Cullen and Cassia officially married and settled down with their daughter Maia, and Bethany and Carver safe in Amaranthine, things seemed to finally have calmed down for the Hawke family - at least until the templars come barging through the door, threatening to destroy everything they had fought for. Tensions with the Qunari in the city continue to rise. And suddenly, the Hawke twins have to navigate a whole new battlefield where the stakes are even higher... and all the while, a killer leaves his victims white lilies.
Relationships: Anders & Fenris (Dragon Age), Anders/Female Hawke, Female Hawke/Cullen Rutherford, Female Hawke/Isabela, Fenris/Female Hawke, Fenris/Female Hawke/Isabela
Series: Precipice of Change [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1402660
Comments: 234
Kudos: 36





	1. I Shall Not Fear The Legion

**Author's Note:**

> And thus, it begins - the second part of our three-part series. We are so looking forward to your thoughts and reactions; for with this part, we are entering Act 2 with all its heartbreak and horrors.
> 
> Thank you to our amazing and wonderful betas [CuriousThimble](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuriousThimble) and [Anthropasaurus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anthropasaurus) \- your input continues to be invaluable and makes this story what it is!! ❤
> 
> If you are interested in Deleted Scenes and remnants from our first (and second and third) version of this story, head over to our [Tumblr](https://intothedragonverse.tumblr.com) or our [Cut From The Same Cloth](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672684) series.
> 
> Updates on Mondays and Fridays.

It was a beautiful day in Justinian 9:34 with the first blossoms falling from the trees in the gardens in Hightown, when someone threw open the main door of the Hawke mansion, locking it again behind them.

“Adriene! ADRIENE!”

Fenris’ voice was agitated, sharply contrasted by the desperate crying of a child. Adriene was already halfway down the stairs, her eyes wide. This was unlike Fenris. What the Blight was going on?! She found him half-poised as if to run, Maia crying in his arms, her little hands digging into his tunic. He looked at her with wild, determined eyes, a slight sheen of sweat on his skin, and Adriene could see that he was barely containing his emotions. Before she could say anything, though, he already spoke.

“Cassia has been arrested by templars.”

“What?!”

Adriene stared at Fenris, for a second unable to do anything else. Then the reality of his words crashed down on her and she _stopped_ , everything stopped.

Cassia had been arrested by templars.

 _Templars_.

After what seemed an eternity, time rushed back, and Adriene forced herself to move — _Move!_ — and sprung into action. She had trained for this. Something inside her shut down, locking every emotion away. _Whatever is necessary._

“If they have her, they’ll come here next,” she said, automatically reaching for Maia before she caught herself, and resigned herself to lovingly stroke her cheek. The child held fast to Fenris; she knew him nearly as well as Adriene. Her crying had subsided to wet sobs.

Adriene hurried to the door that led into the cellar where the hidden passage to Anders’ clinic lay. A nondescript wardrobe stood next to it, and she grabbed a bag from it, pushing it into Fenris’ hands.

"What's this?" he asked, looking down on it.

“Clothes, money, a few potions, jewelry that can be sold easily," Adriene explained, and he nodded in understanding. She continued, "My mother is visiting Gamlen, she’s in Lowtown already. Go to Anders, he knows our escape routes.” She held the cellar door open for him. “He’ll have you find my mother and Merrill while he prepares everything.” She spoke quickly, her voice tense but calm. Who knew how much time they had? “Wait in the caves for no longer than two days before you go on. Hopefully, Cullen can join you before that. Go south, find the next harbor, then go to Amaranthine, find Carver and Bethany. He can protect them.”

Fenris had listened intently without interrupting her, now he reached for her hand as she started to close the door. She paused in surprise as he gripped her hand tightly, and he asked tensely, “Are you not coming?”

Adriene shook her head. “No. If they have Cassia, they need a scapegoat. But if I flee now, that’s as good as a confession, and I can’t have anything more on Cassia’s head.”

“But—” Fenris started to protest, his eyes widening, but Adriene interrupted him with another shake of her head.

“This is Kirkwall, Fenris! There will be no leniency. If they have me, they might let her undertake the Harrowing. If not, they might make her Tranquil. I cannot risk that!” She hesitated for a second, then she interlaced her fingers with his. Her eyes searched his, and her heart clenched painfully as she saw the emotion in them. Had they truly lost everything? Without the opportunity to make peace between them? “Fenris…” Her voice softened. “If they hang me, I want you to know—”

The loud hammering on the front door interrupted her, and she looked over her shoulder towards it as the heavy sound reverberated through her. Suddenly, she was afraid like never before, a black fear dropping into her stomach and weighing her down. This was it, this was what they had always feared.

Templars at their door.

Fenris’ grip around her hand tightened to the point of pain, and she looked back at him. “They will not hang you,” he said with conviction, his voice dark. “We will get you out of there!”

Her eyes widened at the words, and she took a quick step towards him. “No!” she exclaimed, her voice sharper than intended. Taking a breath, she shook her head. “No, please,” she said more calmly, a plea in her voice. “You cannot think like that, not anymore!” Behind her, the banging at the door got louder. “If they come for me, they’ll come for Anders and Merrill next, maybe even for Maia.” She looked at her niece who looked back at her with wide, frightened eyes. “They will need you to protect them. Please, Fenris. Promise me you’ll help them.”

A torn look was on his face as the seconds of silence stretched between them, heavy with all the things that had been left unsaid. She wished she could tell him that it would be fine, that she and Cassia would make it out, but she did not dare to hope. The way he looked at her told her that he didn’t want to leave her, his fingers tightening around hers, and for a second, it felt as if her heart expanded in her chest with warmth and longing. Maybe…

But no. Too late.

“Adriene Hawke, by the authority granted to us by the Chantry, open up!” A loud voice, muffled by the door that slivered cold down her back. Adriene knew that the next step would be to kick the door in, smiting everyone inside before asking questions. They were out of time. She looked at Fenris pleadingly as she carefully pulled her hand from his grip, ready to close the door behind him whether he gave his word or not.

“I promise,” he said quickly. An expression she couldn’t quite read was on his face as he looked at her, and she felt like he wanted to say something else, but then he just repeated with a thick voice, “I promise.”

Relief flooded her, and she nodded, blinking a few times at the wetness in the corner of her eyes. “Thank you,” she breathed. Quickly, she leaned forward to place a kiss on Maia’s brow. “Be brave, sunshine. I love you,” she said quietly.

Then she looked one last time at Fenris who met her gaze with burning eyes. “Fenris…” Before she could think better of it, she put a hand on his cheek, a soft touch, just for a second before she pulled her hand back towards her heart, curling her fingers into a fist as if to preserve the feeling of his skin against her palm. “I am sorry for everything. I never wanted to cause you pain. I wish we had more time.” She didn’t wait for his response before she closed the door and turned to the living room. Taking a deep breath, she squared her shoulders and pushed every emotion but resolve away.

“I’m coming! Maker, what a ruckus,” she called out, putting enough annoyance into her voice to make it convincing. As she hurried towards the living room, she pulled her shirt half out of her pants, ruffling through her hair to make it look like she had just gotten up.

But just before she had reached the main door to open it, a loud crash made her flinch. The next second, the blue light of a Holy Smite vibrated through the room. Adriene was already standing in the door to the hallway, and the Smite smashed directly into her. A fierce pain shot through her, and she stumbled back, falling to her knees with a groan, cradling her head in both hands. It was as if she had been doused with ice-cold water, her skin prickling as if pinched by a thousand needles, and for a moment she couldn’t see anything. She gasped, blinking quickly to get her vision back. Slowly, the world came back into focus, just as someone, _no, two someones_ , grabbed her arms.

As she looked up, she found a sword pointed at her, still glowing with the blue flame of the Smite.

“Adriene Hawke, you’re under arrest.” The voice sounded metallic through the helmet, but there was a hint of satisfaction to it.

It took Adriene just a second, then she channeled everything she had into the fearful anger deep inside her. With a violent jerk, she freed herself from the grip of the templars holding her.

“Are you out of your mind?” she hissed as she got up, stumbling slightly. For a moment, the world swayed dangerously, and nausea welled up in her. She quickly swallowed to keep it at bay. “That door will cost you!”

There was a tiny moment in which she could feel the surprise in the man before her, then the way his hand tightened around the sword betrayed his annoyance. “Did you understand me? You are under arrest!”

Adriene bared her teeth at him, completely ignoring the two templars who flanked her. “And what for, exactly? You are aware that I am the sister-in-law of your Knight-Captain, yes? What are you accusing me of?”

The man before her still hadn’t lowered his blade. “You are under arrest under suspicion of being a mage,” he growled.

This actually stunned her into silence, and for a second, she could only stare at him. Then she burst out laughing despite the fierce headache still hammering in her temples, a bubbling sound of disbelief and relief. Under suspicion of being a mage?! Then they didn’t know about Cassia… yet!

“Me? A mage? You’ve got to be kidding me!” she wheezed. “Oh, you could make money with a traveling fair telling jokes!”

She could nearly physically feel the mix of irritation and insecurity in the people around her. But the one standing before her seemed unamused. “This is no laughing matter!” he barked.

“I beg to differ,” Adriene chuckled, but the laughter died in her throat when the sword pinched the skin on her neck, just enough to draw blood that trickled over her skin and into her tunic. The acute sting of pain made her draw in a sharp breath, but she held her ground. Narrowing her eyes at the man in front of her, she refused to back away.

“Linus!” One of the templars next to her stepped forward, a warning in her voice. “That’s enough!”

 _Linus_. She’d have to remember that name.

“I will not have a mage ridicule me,” he said, from the tone of it from between clenched teeth. Adriene’s lips curled in an approximation of a cold smile.

“There’s just a tiny problem, you know. I’m not a mage. You could of course test me to find that out for yourselves,” she said, only to interrupt herself with fake consternation. “Oh no, I forgot! You already used your Holy Smite on me. Even if I were a mage, you couldn’t tell. With me being cut off from the Fade and all. Isn’t that how it works?”

Now, there was no mistaking the shuffling of the two templars at her side for anything but unease. Adriene tilted her head. Had the Smite been unplanned? It seemed this Linus was a bit overzealous. Oh, she definitely would remember his name. If she came out of all of this alive, that was.

The pressure of the blade at her neck increased slightly, making her freeze. Adriene could feel the trickle of blood run warm down her throat, disappearing beneath the collar.

“You could always confess,” Linus said with a sneer, his voice dripping with contempt.

Adriene chuckled dryly, ignoring the throbbing in her temples and the sharp burn of the cut on her throat. “Oh, I definitely have magic,” she said lightly before she gave him a wink and a smile. “Buy me dinner first, and I might show you just what kind of magic.” She put just a hint of suggestiveness into her voice, feeling the woman next to her relax somewhat at the obvious joke.

Slowly, Linus lowered his blade, and Adriene let out a breath. But she had relaxed too soon. The next moment, a sharp, hot pain exploded in her cheek as he backhanded her so hard that she flew against the female templar next to her who quickly steadied her, both hands on her arms.

“Knight-Corporal!” That was the third templar, speaking for the first time, shock in his voice.

Adriene blinked furiously, black spots dancing in front of her eyes. The leftover pain from the Smite flamed up again with viciousness, and for a second, it was hard to breathe. For an endless, horrifying second, the edges of the world seemed to fray, thin and brittle, and she had to fight to stay in the present as the demons of her past tried to claw their way to the surface, threatening to rip apart what composure she had.

 _It’s not him. Not him. Not him,_ she repeated over and over again in her head, blinking quickly as she forced in a breath, and another.

Pain was something she was used to. She had had worse.

Slowly, the world solidified again, reminding her of the present. Of what was at stake. When she was certain she had herself under control again, she slowly turned back to Linus, murder in her eyes. The Knight-Corporal’s eyes widened slightly as he met her gaze, but then he just scoffed, curling his lip in disgust.

“You will regret this,” Adriene hissed, her voice dark with hatred as she fixed him with her eyes. “When the Knight-Captain hears of this, you will lose your position, be assured of it.”

The way Linus just turned away with a dismissive, “Cuff her. We’ll take her to interrogation,” made her worry, though. She knew about the dissent in the templar ranks, of the factions that were thriving with glee under Meredith’s command, bending more and more rules at their leisure, and the few that tried to adhere to them. But seeing this blatant disrespect of Cullen’s position, and in public no less… they would have to be more careful to strengthen his position in the Order if they wanted to achieve anything. _If you make it out alive_ , a dark voice whispered inside her, and for a moment, she felt sick.

The two templars closed cuffs around her wrist that prickled slightly to the touch. Anti-magic wards, she assumed. Adriene went with them with no further arguments, her head held high. From the neighbor’s houses, she could see horrified, whispering people look out their windows. She could only guess what a spectacle she had to provide — shirt half off the shoulder, a streak of blood down her throat, hair come loose from her usual ponytail, a bruise forming on her cheek. Not to mention the templar escort and the cuffs around her hands. At least they had let her put on shoes.

No matter the outcome, she’d be the talk of the nobility for the next few weeks. If she made it out of this somehow, she could probably use this to her advantage. Maybe even petition the Viscount for an official reprimand.

They made their way towards the Gallows in silence, Knight-Corporal Linus in front, the two other templars flanking Adriene. When they sat down in the ferry, the headache had receded to a low throb over the spot where Linus had backhanded her, but Adriene was still glad to be off her feet for a few minutes at least. Silently, she stared into the water as she collected her thoughts, trying to distract herself from the inevitable seasickness that rose in her.

By now, Fenris had to have reached Anders. There was probably a street urchin with a gleaming coin in his pocket and an urgent message running to Varric right now. Varric would get Merrill. And he would find Leandra, that much was certain, even if she was walking around Lowtown on her usual charity round, or helping Lirene with the refugees. No matter what, they would make it.

That was all that counted right now.

And maybe, not all was lost yet. They had arrested her on suspicion alone which meant they didn’t know for certain that Cassia was a mage. Or at least this group of templars didn’t know. Since they didn’t have Cassia with them, there obviously was a second squad… which meant that so far, all bets were open.

For now, she couldn’t be sure of anything. Did they discover Cassia’s magic upon arrest? Then they would arrest her for harboring an apostate as soon as she’d arrive in the Gallows. Or hadn’t they tested Cassia yet?

For a second, something like hope flickered up in Adriene, but it died quickly. In the end, it wouldn’t matter. If they didn’t know yet, they would know soon. As far as she knew, there was no way to trick the templar’s test. _If they suspect you, they will find you out,_ her father had always told them; and it had been confirmed by the various mages she had helped escape — the only way to truly avoid detection was to never rouse a templar’s attention.

She looked up at the huge statues flanking the waters that towered over her, the heavy chains, and a strange, cold resolve settled in her as they came into the cool twilight of the long shadows they threw across the waters. So this was it.

In the end, she had failed after all.

If only she had managed to keep Cassia free. Her own life didn’t matter, but Cassia should have had the life she wished for. At least they knew that everyone else she loved and cared for was safe. She had Fenris’ promise that he would protect them. That had to be enough for her.

When they arrived in the Gallows, Adriene was no longer worried, a calm acceptance where her fear should be. She swallowed hard to keep the nausea down, but if the templars noted, neither said anything. None of them spoke as they walked through the courtyard and through the iron doors. Adriene didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of seeing her pain and kept her face carefully blank.

They brought her into a large room that was clearly an interrogation chamber; thankfully, one of the nicer ones. No torture devices on the walls, no dried blood on the floor. Just a table that looked surprisingly similar to Cullen’s office desk, various chairs, even a carpet.

As the two templars that had flanked her stood aside to guard the door, Adriene noted, however, that there was enough space to wield a sword from their position.

Maybe the carpet covered more than just cold stone.

But that was not what made her waver. Two templars were already inside, one behind the desk, one positioned next to him. And on one chair in front of the table sat Cassia. She had her back to Adriene, but the way she held herself told Adriene that she was tense. More than tense.

“Cassia!” she exclaimed, starting towards her, but she had barely finished the word when the templar who sat behind the desk held up a hand and Linus yanked her back at the arm, hard, nearly making her stumble.

“Not quite yet, Hawke,” the man behind the desk said coldly. He was a smarmy-looking man, lean, with a sneer on his face and thin, dark hair that he kept bound back from his face. She could see something shimmering in his features, and for a second, she was confused. Was that frustration? Anger? In any case, it didn’t bode well. She tensed.

Linus pushed her forward until she stood in front of the desk, then he let go of her arm and took off his helmet, saluting his superior officer. “Knight-Lieutenant. As you can see, she resisted arrest.”

A thin smile was on the Knight-Lieutenant’s face. “Did she indeed? Well, well, well.” His pale eyes turned to her. “Why ever would you do that? Got something to hide?”

For a moment, Adriene didn’t know what to say. She had already lost, and from the looks on the Knight-Lieutenant’s face, he knew it. Either they already knew of Cassia’s magic and waited for her to say something that would incriminate either of them further. Or they waited for her to deny everything, only to prove her lying on top of it all.

 _Play the game as long as it runs,_ she heard Varric’s voice inside her, _don’t show your cards unless you have to. A game is only lost once it’s over._

So, Adriene just snorted, letting her own anger simmer into her voice. “I do not answer kindly to unwarranted threats as you will find. You will uncuff me, _Knight-Lieutenant—_ ” she spat the word out, “and then you will apologize for this untoward display. You will pay for the door your templars kicked in, and believe me, I will file a complaint with both the Knight-Commander and the Viscount.”

But the templar seemed unbothered by her display of hostility, his smile just widening. He gave Linus a nod, and the man positioned himself next to the window.

“That is your prerogative, but I doubt it will come to that. You see, we did not pull your arrest out of thin air. We have it on good authority that one of you,” he gestured between her and Cassia who still hadn’t said anything nor turned around, “… is a mage.”

It took Adriene all of her willpower not to instinctively look at Cassia. Instead, she gave a short laugh. “You will have to find better snitches, Knight-Lieutenant. There was only one mage in my family, and that was my father. Who, by the way, is dead.” She made a show of looking from one templar to the next, disgust in her face. “The Order has fallen to new lows indeed when you rely on bad intel to conduct your investigations. I think we will have a long, intense talk with the Knight-Captain about how his Lieutenants and their subordinates treat innocent civilians.”

The smugness on the Knight-Lieutenant’s face had been replaced with cold fury. “You are in no position to—”

“Oh, and that is where you’re wrong,” Adriene interrupted him, heat in her voice, ignoring the singing of a blade being drawn as she took a step towards him. By the Maker, she just hoped her bluff wouldn’t be called. “I am Lady Adriene Hawke, daughter of Lady Leandra Amell, part of Kirkwall’s nobility by Viscount Dumas’ decree. This is my sister, Lady Cassia Rutherford, wife to Knight-Captain Cullen Rutherford. We are not some Lowtown folk you can make disappear.”

The tension in the room grew, and the Knight-Lieutenant’s upper lip was drawn back in a silent snarl. Adriene put everything her mother had ever taught her into the condescending, disgusted look she gave him.

“You will address me as the better that I am. And I will have all the names of the people in this room. You can be glad if even one of you retains their position. Talking of which, why isn‘t the Knight-Captain here?”

From the corner of her eyes, she could see the templars positioned at the wall exchange a look. They were still wearing their helmets, so Adriene couldn’t see their faces, but she felt their unease even without it.

There was no unease in the Knight-Lieutenant, however. “As I told your sister already, it is inherent to the procedure that family is neither informed nor present during the test,” he sneered.

Adriene started to say something, but he did not let her get another word in.

“Sit her down!” he barked suddenly, his voice so loud that both Cassia and Adriene flinched. Linus grabbed Adriene’s arm so hard that she was certain it would bruise, jerking her forward to the chair to make her sit down. The Knight-Lieutenant took the scabbard hanging at his belt and drew his sword while he walked around the table, his eyes fixed on Adriene.

“You will find, _Lady_ Hawke, that your empty title will mean nothing at all in the Gallows,” he hissed as he advanced on her.

Suddenly, her eyes narrowed. “You are so certain that I am a mage…” she said slowly, her mind racing. Her eyes flickered to her sister, and cold dread washed over her as she saw just how sick Cassia looked. Her skin had a greenish tint, a few drops of sweat shimmering on her temple, and a muscle in her jaw clenched and unclenched over and over again. She did not look at her, her eyes fixed on her hands that lay in her lap. And yet… she wore no shackles, and the templars in the room were positioned to attack her, Adriene, not Cassia. Her eyes widened slightly in realization. They had already ruled Cassia out! Quickly, she looked back at the Knight-Lieutenant, working hard to contain the disbelieving relief flooding her.

“So you already know that my sister is no mage. You utter fools actually tested the Knight-Captain’s wife for magic!” Another laugh fell from her lips. “And without his knowledge, too! But you are so certain of your idiot informant that you now cannot count your losses and back away, can you?”

By now, the Knight-Lieutenant had his sword drawn and he stood directly in front of her. Linus had positioned himself behind her, and despite not being able to see him, Adriene was certain he had his blade out, too. The Knight-Lieutenant’s voice was cold, his eyes narrow as he looked down at her.

“You go to some lengths to try and talk your way out of being tested, Lady Hawke,” he said slowly, drawing the words out.

Before they could stop her, Adriene was out of her chair again, baring her teeth at the man in front of her with a snarl. A flurry of movement was in the room, and she could hear more blades being drawn. Somewhere deep down, she felt a hint of satisfaction that they thought her to be such a threat, even unarmed, that five templars felt the need to draw their weapons. “You think that’s what I’m doing here?” she hissed at him. “Please, test me, be my gue—”

The force of the Holy Smite hitting her was so strong that the air left her lungs with a gasp, and for the second time that day, Adriene fell to her knees. She couldn’t help but whimper as the pain in her head exploded with even more force than before. For a second, she needed to blink back tears, forcing herself to take deep, slow breaths, then she straightened, bracing herself on the chair as well as possible with the cuffs still around her hands to get up again.

The Knight-Lieutenant stared at her, and for the first time since she had gotten in, he showed a hint of unease. “You… don’t have magic, either,” he said slowly, disbelief in his voice.

Adriene took a deep breath and shot him a glance. Her throat was dry, and she had to clear it a few times before she was able to croak, “Told you so.”

“That cannot be,” the Knight-Lieutenant murmured, and everything in Adriene tensed at the tone of his voice. _Oh no._ Her eyes widened as she saw his hand close more tightly around the hilt of his sword. “No!” he growled, the unease in his voice replaced by utter rage. “NO!”

Instinctively, Adriene tried to get away, but she hadn’t even managed to properly stand up before the next Smite smashed into her and she was back on the floor with a strangled gasp of pain.

“There is a trick!” he roared, droplets of spittle falling from his lips as he raised his sword again, the blue flame etching across the blade. Black dots were dancing in front of Adriene’s eyes as she stared at the blade pointed at her, pain burning through her, over her in a fine web of fire and ice. “There is a trick,” the templar repeated, his voice dropping so suddenly from a furious rage to an even more dangerous whisper that she froze completely, her breath lodged back in her throat. “But I will not be made a fool by some dirty apostates who disobey the natural order.” As he raised the sword, he hissed, “Mages are meant to serve, and you _will_ serve me!”

“No.”

The word wrung from her dry lips before she knew what she said. Her panic was a dark, black ball in her stomach, but Adriene knew that she couldn’t give in. Not this time. Cassia. She had to protect Cassia. “No!” she repeated more forcefully.

It was enough to stop him in his tracks, and for a moment, his eyes widened in disbelieving surprise.

“What did you say?” he roared, the sword sinking down again.

“I said _no_ ,” she said from between clenched teeth, heaving herself up again and wiping a drizzle of blood from the corner of her lips. The words were painful to speak at first, every movement sending a pinch of pain through her. “You. You had your test. And you have no right… to keep us longer.” She came to a stand, fire in her eyes as she laid a protective hand on Cassia’s shoulder. “Your information was _bad_!”

The Knight-Lieutenant stared at her, fury in his eyes, but he had lost his momentum. As he took a threatening step towards them, one of the templars said carefully, “Knight-Lieutenant, she’s the Knight-Captain’s wife…”

Immediately, his eyes snapped back to his subordinate. “Don’t you think I don’t know that!” he bellowed.

Adriene’s hand tightened on Cassia’s shoulder, willing herself not to tremble.

Bristling with fury, the Knight-Lieutenant sheathed his sword, the sharp singing of the blade cutting loud through the tension, and walked stiffly back around his desk. For a second, there was an ominous silence in the room as he glared at Adriene and Cassia, then he noted acidly, "You and your sister are taking it quite differently."

Adriene forced herself not to let out a too-obvious breath of relief. Talk they could manage. She forced a sneer on her face, deliberately not looking at Cassia. Of course they took it differently. She had no idea how Cassia had managed to cheat her way through the procedure, but from what she had seen of her sister, it involved bad pain. And while the headache pounding through her was bad, she knew it would fade soon enough. Who knew just how long Cassia would have to suffer?

“Yeah, well, in case you hadn't noticed, we are quite different,” she retorted sharply. “The hair might have given it away.”

“Oh, believe me, I noticed,” the man muttered, and Adriene's eyes narrowed, a flicker of fear going through her. There was something like hunger in the way he looked at Cassia, a flickering of tongue over his lips, and suddenly, she had to fight nausea. They had to get out of here. Now.

Without further ado, she turned to Linus, thrusting her hands forward. He still had his blade out, angry red dots on his face. “Uncuff me, now!” Adriene ordered. “You have no authority to keep us any longer.” His eyes flickered to the Knight-Lieutenant behind her, and she repeated with more force, “Now!”

After just the tiniest hesitation, he sheathed his sword, stepped forward and produced a key, unlocking the cuffs that fell with a heavy thud to the ground. Adriene didn’t bother with a thank you and immediately was back at Cassia’s side, laying a hand on her sister’s shoulder.

“I think it’s time we demand Cullen’s presence, don’t you think?” she said, pressing Cassia’s shoulder slightly. For the first time, Cassia looked up at her, and the nausea in Adriene got stronger as she saw how unfocused her eyes were. But it took her only a few blinks, then Cassia nodded.

“Yes,” she said. There was barely any strength in her voice. “I demand to see my husband.”

It was the most unconvincing demand Adriene had ever heard, but she turned towards the templars at the door, putting everything she had into her voice. “You heard her!” she snapped. “Go get the Knight-Captain!”

“I don’t think this is nece—” the Knight-Lieutenant started, but Adriene didn’t let him finish.

“Now!” she barked, and the male templar gave a start, instinctively saluted her, and left the room.

Adriene focused back on the Knight-Lieutenant. “I want you to write me a list with the names of every templar in this room,” she said sternly. “So far, I’ve only caught Knight-Corporal Linus’ name. Who are you?”

She could see him clench his teeth, fury written all over his face. “I will not stand—” he started, and she interrupted him again with a scoff, turning to the templar at the door.

“What’s his name?” she demanded, and after a second, the templar started to answer.

“This is Ser Osw—”

“Enough!” The Knight-Lieutenant had obviously reached the end of his patience. “You have no authority here, Hawke, and you will stop ordering my people around or I will have you arrested on some other charge, and believe me, I _will_ find something.”

Cassia had reached up to take Adriene’s hand, her fingers tightening around hers. Adriene took a step forward, placing herself between Cassia and the Knight-Lieutenant.

“Go ahead and try,” she hissed.

Just at that moment, the door flew open, and Cullen came in. Immediately, every templar sprang to attention.

“What in the Maker’s name is going on here?” Cullen demanded, fury written all over his face. His eyes immediately found Adriene and Cassia, and Adriene could see that it took him all he had not to storm over to them.

“Knight-Captain,” the Knight-Lieutenant said, surprisingly polite. But when Adriene looked at him, she saw a certain smugness in his eyes. “I do apologize, but I was only following procedure.”

Cullen glared at him. “Ser Oswald,” he said, voice dripping with cold anger. “And just what procedure is that supposed to be?”

Oswald. Another name she would remember.

By now, the smugness was no longer limited to his eyes. He even dared to smile at Cullen. “We apprehended them on suspicion of having magic, as per your decree,” there was an emphasis on these words and Adriene saw Cullen’s hand tightening to a fist, “without informing them or their families beforehand. I also have the Knight-Commander’s written assent. The test itself, as you know, is completely harmless.”

Adriene scoffed, nearly wincing directly afterward as another sharp pain shot through her head. Harmless, maybe, but definitely not painless. Cullen looked at her, his eyes narrowing as he took in her appearance. Worry was in his face, quickly followed by a hint of relief as he saw that Cassia seemed mostly unharmed.

“Then how do you explain the blood and the bruise on Lady Hawke?” he said from between clenched teeth as he focused back on Oswald. But Oswald just looked at Linus, who shifted uneasily from one foot to the other.

“She resisted arrest,” Linus said, clearing his throat and adding a quick, “Knight-Captain.”

“I did no such thing,” Adriene threw in, then she looked at Cullen. Deliberately using his first name, she said, “Cullen, please note that I will file an official complaint at our treatment.”

“Of course,” Cullen nodded.

Adriene leaned down to help Cassia stand, then she added, “But first of all, I think we’ll go home now. Since we have been cleared of all charges, there is really no need for us to spend even a second longer here. Isn’t that right, Cassia?”

Cassia’s gaze flickered to Cullen, and Adriene’s heart clenched at the longing and pain she saw in it. With his presence, some of her strength seemed to have come back to Cassia, and she nodded. “Yes. I want to go home now,” she said softly. There was a certain stiffness to her movements, and she was still very pale, but other than that, Adriene was certain nobody who didn’t know her would notice anything amiss.

With a few steps, Cullen was at Cassia’s side, escorting them both to the door. The templars there stood aside to let them pass, but Adriene was sure that Oswald still stared after them with the thinly veiled hatred and strange longing that she had seen just before turning away from him.

She let out a breath when they left the room, and Cullen reluctantly let go of Cassia’s arm. There was an unspoken question in his eyes as he looked at Adriene, and she nodded almost imperceptibly. _I’ll take care of her_.

“Maia is safe,” she said, and he let out a breath.

Cullen looked at Cassia, touching her cheek in a loving gesture. “I won’t be long,” he said softly.

“Good,” Cassia just said, equally softly.

Then, Adriene brought her out of the Gallows.


	2. Unity Against Corruption

Heavy.

Every step she took made Cassia feel like she had weights hanging from her bones. All her strength went into forcing one foot in front of the other. One more step. And then another one. She was dimly aware that she held on to Adriene’s arm in an iron grip that was probably painful, but it was like every muscle was locked into place, and Cassia was unable to do anything but take one step after the other. Along the closed doors through the long corridor they had dragged her through earlier. When she had still felt like herself. 

She remembered bitter remarks and insults. Yelling. Remembered how sure she had felt in her anger, snapping at the ones holding her captive in an attempt to drown out the fear that threatened to paralyze her. To shake off the crippling terror, she had done what she had seen Adriene do their entire life. She had roared in anger and ridiculed her captors — anything to keep herself from slipping away. 

It had been the wrong move.

Every single part of her body screamed in pain as Cassia kept her face blank, letting her sister guide her across the courtyard. A pair of hateful eyes found hers, and Cassia would have flinched under the scorching gaze if she had any energy left. The eyes and face felt familiar. Accusatory. Like she should know why the look burned her, but Cassia could barely keep herself upright. There was no way she could try and remember now.

It was only when the ground underneath her feet suddenly wasn’t stable anymore that she realized they had reached the boat and were truly leaving the Gallows behind. The thought made her shudder, sending a fresh wave of pain through her. She doubted she would leave any of this behind soon.

“Cass?” Adriene’s voice was quiet and careful, as soon as they were back on solid ground, out of earshot of any templar. “You are looking really unwell, how are you holding on? You think you can make it home with me?”

Cassia wanted to nod, but the movement alone felt like too much already. 

“Yes,” she got out, her voice almost a whisper. “I can make it.”

Adriene looked at her with worry in her eyes before an arm reached around her in a calming gesture, coming to rest around her shoulder.

Pain flooded her senses, and Cassia clenched her teeth, her eyes pressed shut as she forced herself to not make a sound. Adriene withdrew her arm immediately, and Cassia could hear the worry in her voice even heavier than before.

“I’m so sorry,” her sister said quickly, “where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere.” Cassia took a couple of deep breaths, waiting for the pain to ebb off again. A useless attempt. Her eyes were still closed and her entire body rigid with tension as she spoke.

“When they tested me and didn’t find any magic they… he…” Cassia took another deep breath. “He got really upset. And I made the mistake and provoked him.” When she opened her eyes again, Adriene was close, talking quietly but with a silent fury behind her words.

“What in the Void did the bastard do to you?” she said with barely concealed anger.

Cassia could do nothing but stare ahead as she recalled what had happened before they had brought Adriene in.

“Holy Smites,” she said tonelessly. “He was already so convinced I had magic… said he was giving me a chance to confess after each one…”

She felt her own breathing go faster at the memory of just how angry the templar had been. How furious. And how convinced he had been about her having magic. Not like someone who had a suspicion they wanted to test. More like someone who knew beyond a doubt. Like someone who had been told. For a moment, the hateful eyes across the courtyard flashed in front of her. Had he been told by someone? Someone who knew? Something in her was too exhausted to follow that trail of thought.

“That last time, the Smite was so powerful it knocked me into the wall,” she finished her quiet explanation to Adriene. It had felt like she had been hit by several shield bashes at the same time. The pain still flared up when she breathed a little too deeply. She would need a healer sooner than later. Cassia had the sneaking suspicion that she had broken something. “I think I passed out there for a moment, I don’t remember sitting down, and then you were suddenly there…”

Adriene didn’t know how she managed the next few steps, so flaring hot and white was the hate that flooded her. Her muscles clamped down as she tensed so much that she shook, but she kept herself together for Cassia’s sake.

But her eyes promised murder as she threw a look back to the Gallows.

Someone would die for this.

_They all would die for this._

Nobody tortured her sister and lived. Not while she drew breath.

With an effort, she pushed those thoughts down again, trying to not let them show on her face as she steered Cassia carefully, very carefully towards her home.

“I am sorry I wasn’t there,” she said very softly, “I should have been there.”

There was no way she could have been, and even if she had been, there probably wasn’t much she could have done, and she knew it. But that knowledge did nothing to alleviate the guilt and helpless anger within her. In the end, it didn’t matter. Not right now. Not while every breath, every step hurt Cassia.

Adriene waved towards one of the street urchins mulling about in Lowtown. The boy eyed them suspiciously.

“Do you know Anders, the healer?” she asked, and his dirty face closed.

“I ain’t no snitch,” he hissed, already turning to scramble away again, but stopped again when she said quickly, “I’m not asking you to be! I know where he is! I’ll give you ten silver if you run to him now and tell him to wait for us.”

The flash of hunger at the mention of the money made her heart clench, but the boy just crossed his arms. “You don’t look like no ten silver.”

Adriene desperately looked at Cassia who seemed ready to faint any minute, then she turned back to the boy, her voice urgent. “Listen, boy, we need your help, and you need to hurry. I don’t have ten silver on me now, but Varric will vouch for us.”

“The storyteller?” His eyes widened, and Adriene nodded, a smile flashing over her lips. Varric’s name had always borne weight in Lowtown.

“Go to Anders, tell him to wait in his clinic for Hawke. Tell him we need his help, now.”

For another second, the boy looked from her to Cassia, unsure, then he nodded. “You better get that money!” he said, then he ran away.

Adriene sent a prayer to the Maker that he would find Anders still in his clinic. Slowly, slowly, they walked towards the goods lift that would take them down to Darktown. “Not long now,” she said soothingly to Cassia.

Cassia could only nod weakly, following Adriene along. Her surroundings started to get blurry around her as she felt a spell of nausea welling up. She tried to breathe as deeply as she could without it getting painful again. When she swayed slightly, Adriene stopped. 

“I don’t want to cause you more pain, but can you lean on me?” her sister asked carefully.

With a grateful sigh, Cassia nodded again, and a moment later, Adriene carefully slipped Cassia’s arm around her own shoulder. It sent another bout of pain through Cassia’s entire body, but the steady support of her sister clearly helped, and Cassia clenched her teeth together.

“I’ll manage,” she got out to alleviate Adriene’s worried look. 

She wasn’t tranquil after all. Or dead. What was a little pain in comparison with those options?

A lot, actually, Cassia realized with every step she forced herself to make. She should count herself lucky, but what had happened to her in the past few hours definitely felt like the opposite of luck.

Cassia was barely paying attention anymore when her surroundings changed again. All she could focus on was Adriene’s presence next to her. Until there was a door and then… voices. Was that her mother? Everything around her felt slow, but they had stopped walking, and bit by bit, the world around her fell into focus again.

"Mom, please take Maia home, she doesn't need to see this. And Cullen will hopefully be there soon, too, he needs to know where we are. Please?"

Adriene was talking to Leandra, Cassia realized when there was a familiar hand on her arm, steadying her, moving her. Anders. In the background, she could hear her mother worryingly agree. Telling her something Cassia couldn’t understand before leaving. She could hear Anders talk to Adriene, asking her what exactly had happened as he helped her sit down. And just in time. The moment her knees gave out from under her, the room started spinning and Cassia had to close her eyes, not even knowing if the piece of cloth she held onto was his robe or Adriene’s tunic.

Adriene’s eyes got wide as Cassia slumped down with a groan. “Anders, what’s wrong with her, you have to help her!” she pleaded, cold fear in her heart at the ashen look on her sister’s face.

There was a grim look in his eyes, but his voice was soothing. “I’m going to, Adriene. But I need to know what they did to her. Do you know?” The question was directed at her instead of Cassia, but Adriene didn’t blame him. Cassia did not look like she was able to answer any questions, her eyelids fluttering slightly as she took one labored breath after another.

“I…” Adriene started, only to trail off again as she swallowed around the lump in her throat. She held on to Cassia’s hand, biting her lip as she tried to calm herself down enough to be able to answer coherently. The only slowly subsiding headache and a strange cold emptiness that dulled the edges on everything made it hard to concentrate.

Anders gave her a strange look, the grim worry in his eyes deepening. As he saw her rub a hand over her forehead to try and get rid of the pain, he reached a hand towards her, the white glow of his healing magic on his palm, but she flinched back and slapped it away.

“No!” she snapped, the sharp movement eliciting a burst of pain. “Don’t waste your energy on me, Cassia is more important.” She blinked a few times in a try to focus. “They were done with her when I got there, but…” She shook her head, clenching her teeth. What had Cassia said? “Holy Smites. Over and over and again,” she repeated Cassia’s words from earlier, and Anders paled. “Cassia told me. They couldn’t prove that she had magic, and so they hit her with it over and over again, so strong that they smashed her into a wall. I couldn’t touch her arm, her shoulder without causing her pain. I don’t know how she managed to hide her magic, I…” She trailed off.

Anders had made Cassia lay back on the cot, now he just gave a short nod. His hands were running over Cassia’s body, his eyes far away as he assessed the damage. “I need to get her dress off to reach the shoulder,” he said, and Adriene immediately went to help him. It took him just a second to see the way her hands shook, and he threw a look to Fenris who hovered anxiously in the background.

The elf was at his side in a moment. “I got it,” he said softly to Adriene. She started to protest, but it was weak, and after another look, she took a step back and just watched as the two men worked, pacing back and forth.

“Where’s Merrill?” she suddenly asked.

“She took the boy you sent to Varric to get him the money,” Fenris answered calmly. He looked over to her, a wild mix of emotions on his face for a second that burned into her heart. “It was good that you did, he caught us just before we took the passage into the tunnels. We couldn’t find Isabela, though.”

Adriene just nodded, then she abruptly walked over to where she knew that Anders kept his potions, taking a health potion. Maybe that would help against the weird feeling of loss that put a grey haze over everything. She pulled the cork with her teeth since her hands wouldn’t comply and downed its content. The red liquid raced like fire through her veins, coaxing the wound on her neck to scab over with a burning sensation that she knew would linger for hours. There was a reason she preferred Anders’ magic over the potions. But it was worth it. Despite the discomfort, the throbbing in her head lessened somewhat, and she turned back to the other three just in time to hear Anders speak.

“Cassia, can you hear me?”

A low groan was his answer, followed by a rough, “Yes.”

Adriene hugged herself close at Anders’ next question. 

“How did you manage to evade detection, Cassia? This damage was not only caused by Holy Smites. Not even several.”

Cassia flinched under Anders’ careful touch. She knew he tried his best to not cause her any more pain, but even the feeling of fabric over her skin was beginning to be painful by now. As he moved her gently to get parts of her dress open enough to assess the damage she let out a painful hiss before trying to breathe through the pain. She didn’t open her eyes as she answered his question.

“I managed to take the potion just in time,” she said quietly. “Orana saw them coming, but there was no time, and when Fenris took Maia, I just took all of it…” Her throat felt dry while speaking, and her voice was raspy. 

“You thought something like this might happen?” Fenris asked in a strained voice.

It took her a few seconds to push the pain away enough to answer again. “Not exactly this, but…” Someone else asking questions about her, maybe even getting suspicious, had been on her mind ever since her issues with controlling her magic had gotten more pronounced.

“I need to know what you took, Cassia,” Anders said firmly at that moment. “I can’t treat you if I don’t know.”

“Magebane,” Cassia whispered quietly, and she could feel just how much he tensed through his hands on her skin. “I added some blood lotus and witherstalk to it, to throw off anyone looking too closely…” she trailed off, every word feeling like it hurt her throat like gravel by now.

“Magebane?” Adriene asked, sounding distressed. “That is—”

“Literally poison,” Anders finished her sentence, sounding grim. “And adding those two ingredients… It’s almost ingenious, they wouldn’t be able to detect any magic on you and would be confused enough not to be able to dig deeper.” He sounded slightly impressed before the worry slid back into his voice. “But in combination with a Smite, let alone several…” 

Adriene sounded even more worried than before. “That doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s not! There is a reason even templars only ever use one or the other, never both. It’s a miracle you got her here while she was still standing,” he murmured.

“How bad is it?” Cassia asked quietly. She still felt unable to even try and open her eyes again. 

“I’m not sure yet,” Anders said in a clipped voice that made it obvious he was busy thinking while examining her. “Can you tell me where you feel the most pain?”

It took her a moment of thought and another one of gathering her strength before she could answer. “I feel like I did when I had that high fever a few years back. My back and shoulder are the worst, and my throat hurts a lot when I speak.” 

By now, they had gotten the back of her dress open, and someone was carefully pulling it over her shoulder as she spoke. It didn’t stop her from flinching in pain again. She could feel Anders already pulling back her collar, followed by another sharp gasp.

“What else happened to you?” It was Fenris again that asked this time, sounding almost angry, and Cassia pressed her eyes closed as she tried to remember, tried to understand what else they needed to know.

“I don’t know,” she finally answered, “I think I passed out for a small moment, I don’t remember what happened after I hit the wall. Not until they brought Adriene in…”

“She was sitting in a chair when I got there,” Adriene added from somewhere on the side. “What else is wrong?”

Anders’ voice sounded odd as he spoke again, Cassia thought. Almost a bit metallic. On edge.

“The bruises on her back and shoulder could be from hitting a wall,” he said slowly like he was fighting hard to stay calm and in control. “But there are fingerprints around her neck. No Smite could cause that.”

For a moment, Adriene thought she would scream, or faint. Maybe both. But she could only hold still, very still, as the world swayed once, then snapped back into focus, the edges dark. Carefully, she walked over to where Cassia lay.

“Let me see,” she said, and her voice sounded as if it came from far away. Fenris laid a hand on her shoulder, but she shook him off, not even looking at him as she stepped up to Cassia. Her eyes were glued to the tender skin on her sister’s neck, and the fingerprints that slowly turned purple.

Suddenly, her own throat closed, and for a second, she remembered watching herself in the mirror and tracing similar marks. If she concentrated, she could still feel that raspy pain that came with them. And she still remembered the way Oswald had looked at Cassia in the end. She remembered only too well. For a second, she fought hard to keep the flashbacks at bay, one shuddering breath after another.

But this was not about her. It was about Cassia.

“Give me a moment alone with her, will you?” she said more calmly than she felt, adding before Anders could protest, “Just a moment, just some space. You don’t have to leave.”

After a tense second, both Anders and Fenris took a few steps to the side. Very softly, she asked, “Cassia, can you look at me? Can you try?”

It took a long moment before Cassia managed to pry her eyes open, and Adriene suppressed a shudder at the pain she saw in them.

She kept her voice soft as she spoke. “I don’t know how long you were alone with him. I don’t know how long you were unconscious.” She had reached for her hand, giving it a very gentle touch. “But I’m going to check if your smallclothes are still there. Or if they’re torn. And if there are bruises.” A smile behind which she hid the tremor running through her. “Just me for now, alright? I’m here all the way.”

A vague sense of dread ran through Cassia as she slowly understood her sister’s words. 

“Alright,” she whispered quietly and with a small nod. She was only dimly aware that there were still other people around, but for the most part, she couldn’t bring herself to care. Her thoughts were racing through the fog that still clouded her mind as she felt Adriene quietly and carefully checking her clothes. She would know if something like _that_ happened to her, wouldn’t she? With a panicked hitch in her breath, she tried to force herself to remember. The wall against her back, the pain shooting down from her head to her back, falling, and then… nothing. The chair. There had definitely been hands on her, but by then it had felt like there was a permanent fog in her mind.

A sigh passed her lips as Cassia tried to relax. Every bit of tension only amplified the throbbing pain still surging through her. Maybe not remembering was a good thing after all. She swallowed, her throat still feeling like sandpaper, and she carefully lifted an arm to slowly trace the bruises around her neck. The moment her own fingertips touched her skin, it was almost like the hazy fog around her was ripped apart by the brief flash of pain but as much as she tried, she couldn’t remember anything else. Not until she had heard her sister coming in.

Above her, Adriene was still busy, but only a moment later, her sister let out a relieved sigh. 

“I don’t think they did anything else to you,” Adriene said quietly, as she gently put her clothes somewhat in order again. There was a sense of relief in her sister’s voice and Cassia felt the small knot of fear that had built up inside her stomach slowly untangle again. A moment later, Anders was in front of her, a flask in his hand. 

“I need you to try and sit up, only for a moment,” he said gently, helping her lift her head and upper body enough so he could guide the flask to her lips. “It’s an antidote for the Magebane, should help clear your head. And it will allow me to heal you without further complications.” 

Cassia nodded weakly, ignoring the burning pain that accompanied every sip she took. By the time she had swallowed down all of it, she could already feel the potion starting to work as everything around her slowly got clearer, sharper again. Including the pain. She winced as she carefully lay down again. The earlier haziness seemed to have also dulled the pain somewhat. Now that it was gone, she felt like her entire body was on fire. With a pained groan, she closed her eyes again.

“Please tell me you can give me something for the pain soon,” she said quietly. 

“In a moment,” Anders assured her. “There might be some broken ribs I need to check out first, but I promise you, I’ll be as careful as possible.”

There was a soothing hand on her forehead, gently wiping the stray hair out of her face. Adriene. Cassia let out a sigh of relief at her sister’s soothing touch. Adriene was still here. She could get through this for a little while longer then.

Anders continued his healing, and Fenris came back to them, coming to stand next to Adriene. An unreadable expression was on his face as he looked down on Cassia, a mixture of grief, anger, and grim memory.

“Is there something I can do?” he asked quietly.

Cassia’s face was distorted in a mask of endurance and pain, and Anders just shook his head without interrupting his work.

“Be here for her,” he said shortly, his eyes flickering up to Fenris just for a moment before he focused back on Cassia.

Adriene flashed Fenris a look and gave him a very short nod. _Yes, please, don’t leave,_ her eyes said, but she couldn’t bring the words over her lips. She had thought she’d never see him again, she couldn’t bear to see him go now.

But Fenris took a breath and nodded back, his hand touching her back for a second, sending a warm spike of relief through Adriene, and the dark knot inside her eased even as she looked back to Cassia. She didn’t take her eyes off her sister’s face for as long as Anders worked, continuing to smooth her hand over Cassia's hair in an old, familiar gesture of comfort that she still remembered from when they were children. Silence stretched between them; just Cassia's struggled breathing and the little sounds of pain that fell from her lips now and then could be heard. Again and again, Adriene’s eyes came back to the marks on Cassia’s throat, and she had to swallow hard to keep the bile down.

But the warm light of Anders’ healing magic was a soothing focal point on the edge of her consciousness, like a beloved, familiar place. It helped her to keep the turmoil of emotions under control. There was still the ever-present throbbing ache in her head, and a choking thickness that felt as though a scream had become lodged in her throat. She had thought she’d lose Cassia today. She had been sure she’d spend this and the following nights alone in a prison, never to see her loved ones again nor feel the warmth of the sun on her skin again, only to be hanged from the Gallows’ walls. If she’d even survive the prison. It still felt surreal that she was here now, free again, with Cassia alive, with Fenris and Anders next to her and Maia safe with her mother. And then there was the horror of what had happened to her, but even more to Cassia. The relief about what _didn’t_ happen. The dark, seething memories brought to the surface, waiting just beneath her consciousness to jump her as soon as it was dark.

And the strange emptiness that seemed to permeate everything.

She heard the heavy steps before the door to the clinic flew open. Adriene couldn’t help but flinch, and she saw both Anders and Fenris tense in the second before they recognized Cullen. He was still in his armor, clearly coming directly from the Gallows.

His eyes widened as he saw Cassia lying on the cot, the blood draining from his face. With a few hasty steps, he was at her side.

“Cassia!” he exclaimed, shocked. “Leandra told me you’re here. What in the Maker’s name did they do to you?”

Relief went through Cassia at the sight of Cullen. When they had taken her in and he had been nowhere to be seen, she had been beyond terrified of just what it would mean for him if she was discovered. There had been a moment, before she had known whether her potion would work the way she intended it to, where Cassia had been afraid that Maia would perhaps lose both her parents on this day. That neither of them would walk away from this. But here he was, at her side, carefully taking her hand into his, and some of the heavy feelings of despair that had clung to her over the past few hours was finally lifting off her.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” she said, almost out of reflex. Anything to ease the pain and worry she could see etched on his face when he looked at her.

Anders forcefully cleared his throat. “It _is_ as bad as it looks,” he said with a sigh, obviously not approving of her attempt to downplay what had happened. He proceeded to fill Cullen in about the potion Cassia had taken.

Despite Anders' stern statement, Cassia already felt much better than when she had first come in. Touches and breathing no longer hurt, and she relished the firmness of Cullen's grip as he held her hand, tangible proof that he was at her side, and they were both still here.

“So your idea worked then? At least partly?” he finally asked, and Cassia nodded softly.

“Wait, you _knew_ about this?” Anders’ voice interrupted them sharply, but Cullen only nodded absentmindedly. 

“Not about a potion in particular, but we talked about the danger of her being discovered, and Cassia told me she had some things to try out for preventing that,” he explained, his eyes not leaving her. “I didn’t know you had finished something, though.”

Cassia was grateful for her head feeling less hazy by now as she shook her head. “That’s because I wasn’t finished, I never got a chance to test it…” She swallowed and took a deep breath. “But I got lucky, it worked. They could not detect any magic on me.”

“And believe me, they tried,” Adriene added in a rough voice.

Cassia could see the moment Cullen’s eyes left her face and he, for the first time, really seemed to take in the rest of her appearance. He had looked tense before, but the expression that was on his face now could only be described as murderous.

“Not all of the damage inflicted was knowingly the templars’ doing, quite a bit is the result of how the Magebane reacted with their abilities,” Anders interjected, still busy healing her shoulder. “Not that it matters in the end.”

His words seemed to have struck something with Adriene who sounded anxious again as she asked, “What happened after we left?”

Cullen took a moment, still unwilling to look away from Cassia even for a short moment before he answered.

“He had a signed request for an interrogation from the Knight-Commander,” he said lowly, the anger clearly audible in his voice. “But there were no names on the form, which was deliberate, I think. All I could do was place him under house arrest for now.” He was clearly unhappy with that. “The Knight-Commander isn’t there, she is in a long meeting with the Viscount, so anything further will have to wait.”

“Are you not his superior officer?” Fenris asked immediately, and Cassia twisted her head to look at him. It was a good question. “Wouldn’t disciplining him automatically fall to you?”

But Cullen shook his head in anger. “Technically, he did nothing wrong. Testing a family of a known apostate for magic _is_ standard procedure…”

Cassia could see Anders was about to say something, probably something not very nice about templars and procedure, but with a look at Cullen, he seemed to decide against it.

Adriene, on the other hand, didn’t hold back. “Technically?” she hissed. “We tried playing by the rules before, but if he gets away with this because of procedures, I…” She stopped herself, not finishing her sentence as her eyes narrowed. “You could always just tell me where exactly that house arrest places him,” she added in a low voice, giving Cullen a challenging look.

“You can’t,” he answered almost instantly. “Believe me as much as I would like to personally show you to his room, everyone heard you threatening several templars loudly today.” He shook his head in resignation. “If he ends up dead now, no matter how good you make it look, I doubt there is anything I could do to keep suspicion off you.”

Silence fell over the room as everyone seemed to be busy taking that information in. 

“We can’t just do nothing,” Adriene finally said, a peculiar mix of anger and helplessness in her voice.

For a moment, it was very quiet in the room before Cullen spoke again, “No, we can’t. And we won’t!” There was a grim expression on his face. “There is one thing I can do. Though I have to admit I never thought I would actually want to. But I think I should bring this up to Meredith. Take it up the ladder.”

“And what good would that do?” Anders scoffed. “Templars don’t investigate their own after all.”

But beside her, Adriene seemed to have gotten exactly what Cullen meant as she took in a sharp breath. “No, exactly!” she breathed out. “If Cullen plays up the angle that this Ser Oswald deliberately targeted Cassia and me for being related to him…” 

“Unity against corruption,” Cassia murmured. “Paint him as the disruptive element that affronted another templar and a superior officer on top of it…”

Cullen nodded, a dark look in his eyes.

“At least you now have the other Lieutenant beside Alrik,” Adriene said darkly. “From the way Oswald looked at Cassia, her being a mage was nothing that would discourage him from… you know. Taking what he wants. Quite the contrary. And I’m pretty sure this Linus is just as bad as Oswald. Did you put him under house arrest, too?”

A muscle in Cullen’s jaw worked, and Adriene knew the answer before he said, “No. But he and the others who were there are suspended from duty outside the barracks until further notice.”

“So they’re still in the Gallows?” she said sharply. Anger and helplessness warred inside her. She itched to do something, anything. She wanted to bring these people to justice, she wanted to see them suffer for what they had done to Cassia. She hated that she was unable to do anything against this Oswald, she hated that all of this had happened. And the blazing flaming sword on Cullen’s breastplate did not help. Again, she felt Fenris’ hand at her back in a quiet gesture of comfort as if he couldn’t quite stop himself. It helped, but it didn’t alleviate the uproar inside her.

“Adriene…” Cullen started, but she just shook her head. 

“Don’t ‘Adriene’ me!” she snapped furiously. “Those people are no protectors, they are torturers! Have you ever been hit by a Smite yourself, Cullen? One that has been directly aimed at you, with full force? It hurts as if someone punches you in the gut and sticks a hot needle behind your eye at the same time. And I’m not even a mage!” Her throat was dry, and she felt as if her lips would crack at any moment. There was a burning behind her eyes, a prickling of threatening tears that spoke of the vanishing effect of the health potion. She could feel the exhaustion that came in the wake of all that had happened grabbing her. Yet there was a nervous restlessness inside that kept her too much on edge to even think of rest, let alone sit still. She knew that Cullen was the wrong person to tell this, but she felt like she’d break apart if she kept silent. And he bore their mark.

“They hit me with a Holy Smite thrice,” she continued, heat in her voice. “That Linus tried to force me to confess to having magic with a blade against my throat, and they tried to choke the life out of Cassia after they nearly beat her to death with their blighted tests — and you keep them in the Gallows? With the mages that are not allowed to fight back?”

“He’s not the one you’re angry with,” Fenris said nearly softly, his fingers splaying out where he touched her. She looked at him with burning eyes, his touch an anchor in the dark storm of her emotions.

“No, but that doesn’t mean she’s wrong,” Anders added sharply, never interrupting his healing.

“I put them on latrine duty,” Cullen answered, more calmly than she had thought possible, and just like that, the fury went out of Adriene. She blinked, her shoulders sagging as the tension left her, and for a moment the world tilted heavily. Fenris’ arm was around her in a second, steadying her, and she leaned heavily against him as Cullen added, “And the test is not a Smite. It is not supposed to hurt.”

Fenris carefully helped her to sit down, never leaving her side, but Adriene couldn’t tear her eyes off Cullen, barely believing what he said. It was only now that she detected the barely veiled fury in his voice.

“What do you mean it’s not supposed to hurt?” Cassia asked quietly. She couldn’t imagine any of the things she had been subjected to be anything but agony.

With a very clipped tone, Cullen explained, “The standard test procedure is a very mild version of a magic drain. It’s specifically designed to not be felt at all.” His voice had a sharpness to it that Cassia had rarely ever heard from him. “People without magic don’t even notice that it is happening, and even a mage only notices when… if the templar doesn’t stop, and their magic is almost depleted.”

“Then it gets uncomfortable,” Anders said quietly, and Cassia knew immediately he was speaking from experience. “But he is right, even then it’s not usually painful. Just… unsettling.”

Adriene could feel Fenris tense next to him, his grip on her shoulder tightening just for a split second, and a subtle glow ran over his tattoos as he growled furiously, “They didn’t even test for magic, they straight up attacked!”

“They did,” Cullen nodded in a clipped voice.

Cassia felt the hairs on her arm stand up at Cullen’s tone. When she looked at him, she saw something new in his eyes. Pure, unmistakable rage. She had seen Cullen angry before, but never quite like this. His grip on her hand was tense as he tore his eyes away from her, suddenly standing up like it was impossible for him to be still even a moment longer.

“Adriene is right,” he said slowly, the fury in his voice shining through as he started moving back and forth, obviously thinking about something. 

Cassia tried sitting up, but Anders stopped her immediately. 

“Don’t overdo it, I am not done,” he chided before going back to work, and Cassia sighed. 

“I can’t keep lying here! I feel better already, at least let me sit up please?” 

Anders frowned, but after another moment, he nodded. “Fine, but keep still, I am nowhere near finished yet.” 

She nodded and let him help her sit up. Cassia immediately focused back on Cullen while Anders kept working.

“Cullen,” she said tensely. “You just said—”

“I know what I said,” he interrupted her almost harshly. But Cassia knew that his tone wasn’t directed at her. “She is right nonetheless. We can’t just… _I_ can’t just…” 

Anger and helplessness shone through every word, and Cassia cursed her own momentary weakness. It couldn’t stop her from saying something else though.

“Cullen,” she said again, much more insistent this time. It had an effect, for he stopped to look at her as she continued, “Whatever is going through your head right now, whatever you feel like you need to do, please don’t!” 

“How can you ask me not to?” he asked with a gesture at where she was still lying on the cot. “When all our carefulness and trying to do the right thing has led to this?”

She could understand his urge to storm out of here and take matters into his own hands only all too well. But the consequences could be devastating. 

“I am fine,” she said calmly, ignoring the throbbing of the bruises around her throat. “Or at least I will be, in a little while. And so will Adriene.” She didn’t look at her sister, her eyes solely focused on Cullen. “But if you do anything rash now, it could cost you everything, it could cost _us_ everything! And we cannot afford that.”

“Can we afford to do nothing, though?” Fenris plainly asked the question that was most likely on everyone’s mind, and Cassia shook her head.

“No, but we just got out of there alive and with our reputation intact despite one very adamant templar. A templar that didn’t even want to let us go after everyone else was convinced we had no magic.” With a look at Adriene, Cassia remembered how angry and demanding her sister had to get before someone went and got word to Cullen about the situation. “I’m not sure we would have gotten out of there like we did if you hadn’t shown up when you did,” she said, looking back at Cullen. “Your position in the Order, and the fact that the Knight-Commander has no idea about the investigations and trusts you as her second-in-command may very well be the thing that prevents such a thing from happening again.” Her eyes were burning with intensity as she found his. “You can’t risk losing this advantage!”

She could see the righteous anger in him fighting with the rational part of him that knew she had a point. “What good will my position do if I can’t even enforce most consequences because Meredith bends the rules to her liking?” he asked tensely, unwilling to let the matter drop just like that.

”But there is at least one rule that she is adamant about, and luckily for us, they broke that one rule.” Her back was already protesting from sitting up, but Cassia refused to lay back again as she looked at her husband with urgency. She felt several pairs of eyes focused on her now. “Use that! Use the rules she likes.” She could see that Cullen was getting ready to protest. Meredith’s blatant disrespect for the law had been what had started his whole line of questioning her, after all, but Cassia was intent on making him see her point. “You still have her ear, you can _use_ that. Incriminate them, play their own game against them. I know she is the one we really want to get rid of, but until we can, why not use everything we have?”

“Cassia is right,” Adriene interjected. She had her arms wrapped around herself as if she was cold, but there was heat in her eyes. “Listen, Cullen, what those templars did was not only directed at Cassia and me. It was a jab at you, at your position.”

Her eyes flickered to Anders who gave her a thoughtful look. There were things they had never told Cullen — the names of their spies within the Circle, the mages that stayed deliberately inside to get others out, the overlooked helpers and traders that smuggled letters in and out — but even without that knowledge and without being really aware of it, he was one of their linchpins in the mage underground. His position, his subtle aid now and then, had enabled them to get help where it was needed much more quickly than before. Losing him would be a major step back. Not to mention the personal consequences and increased danger for Cassia.

“When they arrested me,” she told Cullen, “I told Linus that he would lose his position once you would hear of my treatment. He wasn’t even worried! If there is such a blatant lack of respect and disregard of your position, and in public no less, you have a problem.”

“Do you really think I am worried about that after what they did to my wife?” Cullen looked like he didn’t quite believe that she would even say something like that, but she didn’t back down.

She shook her head. “I know you’re not, but you should be! Right now, your position is our greatest weapon against people like Oswald and Linus; and ultimately, also against Meredith. It’s like Cassia said — you have Meredith’s trust and her ear, you cannot afford to lose that!”

Cassia was nodding along to Adriene’s words, following her line of thinking immediately. Adriene gave her a small smile, and they said at nearly the same time, “Unity against corruption.”

“If Meredith is adamant in one thing,” Adriene continued, “then it’s that she does not tolerate attacks against templars. Them going against her second-in-command is a clear violation of that.”

Anders had finished his healing and gave Cassia a hand to stand up. “Careful,” he warned as she swayed somewhat. Cullen immediately rushed back to Cassia’s side.

“You can even claim you already tested us, even before proposing to me,” Cassia added, leaning on Cullen’s arm as she stood up, “to make their actions seem even more irrational. Make up a story to discredit them even more. Tell her you are working on something sensitive, like a long-term plan to deal with the mage underground.”

Adriene had gotten up again as well and nodded enthusiastically, immediately following with, “Use everything you have to make them disappear from the duty roster — if they work against templars instead of actual mages, they clearly cannot be trusted.”

Now it was Cassia who nodded enthusiastically. “And since we now have been officially tested and cleared, they have no leverage to go against either of us again.”

There was still a grim look on Cullen’s face, but a thoughtful expression had come to his eyes. After a moment, he took a deep breath and nodded. “As much as I hate that all of this happened, there is truth in what you say.”

“Ha!” Adriene exclaimed, giving Cassia a grin that stood in stark contrast to the pallor of her skin. “Cullen said I’m right! Mark the day on your calendar!”

“I meant Cassia,” Cullen said dryly, and Adriene pulled a face. The bruise on her cheek had started to turn purple, and the grimace hurt, but the smile on Cassia’s face at the banter was worth every pinch of pain. Something of the tension that still lay in the air eased, and even Anders and Fenris relaxed a bit.

Anders stepped up. “I’m going to stop every discussion now. You need to rest. Both of you, but especially you, Cassia. I’d rather have you here for the night, but—” he held up a hand as Cassia wanted to protest, “—but I understand that you’d rather go home. Be careful. I mean it. Your magic should be back in full by tomorrow. Go slow, stay in bed tomorrow, and if anything, _anything_ at all starts to hurt more or feels off, call for me immediately.”

He looked sternly at Cullen who nodded. “Of course. Thank you, Anders.”

“I’m going to help you home,” Adriene said, but Cullen just gave her a look that said ‘don’t be ridiculous’.

“You go rest yourself,” Cassia told her, giving her sister a careful hug. “I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll come by tomorrow,” Adriene promised. “Tell Mom I’ll be there shortly, yes?”

“You’re not going home?” her sister asked, but she shook her head.

“Let her fuss over you first,” she said softly.

_Before her fear and worry turn to reproaches._

She didn’t have to say it out loud. Cassia just took a look at her face and closed her eyes for a second, silent understanding between them. Then she nodded slightly and turned back to Cullen who put his arm around her.

Adriene watched them leave arm in arm, Cullen carefully steadying Cassia who leaned heavily on him. For a moment, she clasped a hand over her eyes, taking a breath that was uneasier than she liked.

Now that Cassia was actually walking again, healed and taken care of, a wave of exhaustion crashed over her with a force that felt like she’d be swept away any second.

Cassia was safe. Nobody came for Maia, Anders or Merrill. No walls closing in around her. No hangman’s noose tightening around her neck, choking the life out of her. She was alive. Come morning, she’d still be alive. For the first time in years, she sent a little prayer to the Maker and meant it. _Thank you._ With another shuddering breath, she straightened and turned back to Anders and Fenris.

“So, who’s up for a drink at the Hanged Man?” she asked with fake cheerfulness.

Fenris’ eyebrows shot up, but Anders just scoffed. “Definitely not you,” he said sternly, coming over and taking her by the arm to make her sit down on the cot as well. “If you think I’ll let you go out without having checked you, you’re sorely mistaken.”

“You heard Cassia,” Adriene murmured, closing her eyes when he took her face in his hand, checking the bruise on her cheek. His healing magic tingled over her skin, a warm contrast to the feeling of grey nothing that dulled her every emotion, and a knot inside her eased at the soft touch of his fingers. “I’ll be fine.”

“Let me be the one who assesses that, alright?” Anders said with a disapproving click of the tongue. She was too tired to protest, only too glad to give herself over to his care for once. After a few minutes, Anders sighed. “You’ll be fine,” he said grumpily, eliciting a little smile that died quickly.

“Told you so,” she answered, then she pushed herself slowly off the cot. “Well, if you two are boring and won’t get me to the Hanged Man to get drunk, I guess I’ll go home and face my mother after all.”

“Leandra was just as worried about you as she was about Cassia,” Fenris said, but Adriene didn’t answer, avoiding his eyes. In her experience, that wouldn’t keep her mother from finding something to blame on her.

“If it helps, tell her I said you need to rest now,” Anders proposed, and Adriene nodded.

“Thank you, Anders. For everything.” She gave him a hug. There were things they needed to talk about; about ways to improve their escape plans, about what the templars had said and done, about how to protect Cassia better, and… her thoughts scattered before she could bring them into any semblance of order.

“Go home, Adriene. Rest,” Anders said softly against her hair, and she nodded. Everything else had to wait until tomorrow.

Fenris brought her silently through the passage to the door that led into the Hawke mansion, and Adriene took the key from its hiding place. She was just trying to put it into the keyhole when her hands started shaking so hard she had trouble not to drop it. Suddenly, Fenris’ hand was on hers, steadying it.

She looked up at him, and for a second, nothing that had happened between them mattered any longer. Her eyes filled with tears, and without hesitation, Adriene turned into his arms, burying her face at his shoulder. He held her close, his cheek on her hair, soothingly stroking her back as she cried, sobs wrecking through her body in painful shudders that only slowly receded into tiny tremors running over her skin. He held her even through that, his steady warm arms tight around her, until she felt limp in his embrace, utterly exhausted.

Neither of them said anything as they stood there just holding each other, but something inside her eased in his arms. She knew this moment of closeness would turn into careful distance again come morning, but right now she didn’t care. Right now, she could pretend that it would linger. And not even the morning would be able to take this moment or the even more important result of all the agony and fear away:

They had made it.


	3. Thou Shalt Not Want

Walking home was much more exhausting than Cassia was willing to admit, but sheer stubbornness drove her forward. She stepped in time with each slow breath, her teeth gritting after each footfall. By the time they reached their front door, Cullen was all but carrying her.

Leandra was waiting for them in their home, having done her best to calm Maia and get her to sleep. There was no way for Cassia to avoid telling her mother what had happened. Despite not wanting to relive the events of the day, she realized she was beyond glad for her mother’s presence. At least Maia had been in good and loving hands all day. It was a small consolation, she thought bitterly, but a consolation nonetheless. 

Leandra only left after what felt like an eternity of assuring her that Cassia would be fine. That she was cleared of all suspicion and would recover in time. And even then it had taken Cullen’s gentle, yet firm, insistence that they would be fine without her spending the night. After he almost had to herd Leandra out of the house, Cassia found herself standing in the doorway to Maia’s room, watching her daughter sleep peacefully. Maia looked no different than she did any other night, and for a moment, Cassia could almost forget the horrors of what had happened. Almost. She tried her best not to let her exhaustion show, but as the house grew quiet around her, with both Leandra and Orana having left, she found her strength starting to crumble. The rational choice would be to let her daughter sleep. She would be there in the morning after all, but Cassia had to fight every instinct and urge to not rush inside the room and take Maia into her arms and hold her as tightly as possible. 

It would only take away her daughter’s peaceful rest. It might even scare her to be woken up like that so late in the evening. Her little girl had no idea about what had actually happened on this day, after all. Couldn't have. She was far too young to understand any of this, and Cassia was nothing but grateful for that fact. In an awfully twisted way, it was almost a relief knowing that if she hadn’t made it, Maia would most likely still be too young to truly feel the loss. To ever really remember her.

For the first time that day, she felt tears stinging her eyes at the thought of not seeing Maia grow. The pain she had been in almost all day paled in comparison to the agonizing thoughts, and Cassia started to tremble. As she felt the darkness of her thoughts pull her under, the weight of Cullen's arms around her brought her back. 

“Come on,” he murmured quietly. “She needs her rest, and so do you.”

The low rise and fall of his chest had Cassia let out a small sigh, and she closed her eyes as she leaned against him. The slight movement of his breaths soothed her, pulling her further into his embrace and away from the feelings of despair and near loss.

“You’re right,” she answered softly. “But I fear my mind is far too worked up to go to sleep, no matter how much I might need it.”

“That’s alright,” Cullen assured her. “Whatever you need.”

Not much later, she found herself with a hot cup of tea and a shoulder to lean on. Their living room was mostly dark, except for the light from the embers in the fireplace. There were no words between them, only the steady and soothing feeling of the other person’s warmth under their fingertips. Soft kisses and calm, reassuring touches let her slowly drift away from the horrors of the day. She felt herself finally relax, enveloped in the gentle hold of Cullen’s arms around her. 

Something felt different. She couldn’t pinpoint what it was as she sighed softly, letting both her hands and her mind wander. There was nothing unusual about their touches, nothing unfamiliar in the way he held her against him. And yet…

It took Cassia a couple of moments until she realized what the difference actually was. Normally, this would be the moment where her magic would make itself noticeable in some capacity. Even if she for once managed to keep all signs of it hidden, she usually still felt the sensation of it welling up inside her. A certain restlessness that never quite left her alone. It was more of a constant background noise, a low hum she had gotten so used to that she was usually able to shut it out. Only now that he paid attention to it, she realized that it was definitely not there right now. Instead of the usual twitchiness, she felt nothing but calm. 

She pushed herself closer against Cullen, deepening their kiss. Curiosity pushing her forward, exploring the strange feeling. Her breath hitched at the thought that while it was certainly unusual, it did not feel at all unwelcome. 

It would take about a day for her magic to fully come back was what Anders had said. About a day… A whole day of feeling like this? The thought felt almost surreal. A flash of apprehension went through her as Cassia thought about the bigger picture. The day had been almost pure torture. What the templars had done to her had been horrific. And here she was, only hours later, a sinking feeling in her stomach at the treacherous thought of having to admit that there was definitely a part of this that was more appealing than it should be.

Tentatively, she let her mind reach out, going through all the ingrained motions to actively summon her magic. But there was nothing. Shouldn’t she be appalled, horrified, or even frightened by this? Part of her felt like she definitely should. The other, much larger and louder part of her felt only elation. Joy. Laughter born out of disbelief broke from her, causing Cullen to draw back and look at her curiously.

How was she supposed to explain her confusion right at this moment though? Cassia couldn’t even start to think of a way, and so she only shook her head. 

“It’s nothing,” she assured him. “Just… we are here, and all is good for now. It’s almost unbelievable.” 

“That it certainly is,” he murmured in quiet agreement before softly kissing her forehead, and Cassia decided to shove all thoughts and worries aside for now. She was alive. Alive and home and in Cullen’s arms, barely in pain anymore, and starting to feel better than she could have ever imagined by the minute. It would do nothing to tear this moment apart with deliberations. On the contrary, Cassia felt need rising up in her. The urge to enjoy this for as long as it might last. When she pulled gently on the hem of Cullen’s shirt, he drew back again.

“Maybe we should go to sleep,” he said carefully, a sheepish expression on his face. “You need rest.”

“I need you!” Cassia answered with a small shake of her head.

Conflicting emotions were all over his face. “You’ve been through so much today. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” she assured him. “I am feeling much better already.” 

For a moment he just looked at her carefully. “Cassia, when I got to the clinic I…” he breathed quietly, his voice shaky as he spoke. “You had been so hurt! And I… I don’t think I have ever felt so helpless before.”

“I am here, and I am going to be alright,” she assured him again, gently cupping his face in her hand, and his eyes fell closed with a sigh. She could only imagine how scared for her he must have been. How she would feel if their situations were reversed. When he looked at her again, she could still see the worry and hesitation in his eyes. Felt it by the way he carefully held her like she was made of glass, prone to shatter any minute. 

But Cassia wasn’t fragile. She had never felt like she was, but especially now, right in this moment, she felt further away from being broken than ever. 

“Cullen, this morning, I thought I might never come home again,” she said while pushing herself closer to him. She had gone from fearing the absolute worst to feeling absolutely elated in the span of roughly twelve hours. Everything about it felt overwhelming. “I just need to…” she started, not quite knowing what exactly it was that she needed. Wanted. “To feel,” was what she finally settled on. “Make me feel something good. Please!”

“It was so close…” he murmured, his hands running up her arms until he could bury his fingers in her hair, tilting her head just enough to kiss her. She wasn’t sure if it was him or her that was shivering into their kiss. Maybe it was both of them. Cassia pushed herself closer, gasping against his mouth.

“I know!” She shifted, moving around, carefully clasping his face with her hands. “I’m here.” A soft kiss on his cheek, another one on the corner of his mouth. “You didn’t lose me.”

His hold on her tightened the smallest amount as his lips found hers with just a bit more insistence than before. Cassia’s hands slipped down his neck and under his tunic, a sense of barely contained urgency in every touch. It didn’t take much more for Cullen to stand and lift her up with him, carrying her over into their bedroom where they could lose themselves in touches, whispered words and the growing heat between them. And if the thoughts about her absence of magic feeling oddly pleasant to her kept running through her mind, Cassia decided there and then that these ideas would surely be excused after the day she had just had.

But something lingered. 

Later that night, when she was safely and carefully tucked into Cullen’s arms, listening to his quiet and even breathing. Whenever she had heard other mages talk about being forcefully cut off from the Fade, they had made it sound horrific. Phrases like ‘feeling like missing a limb’ or ‘complete emptiness’ had been used more than once. Their stories had sounded frightening, terrifying. But now?

As Cassia lay in bed, staring into the dark, she couldn’t help but wonder. Had they all been exaggerating? Had they played up the effects for making their point, for argument's sake? Or was it her that was the odd one out, that somehow, yet again, couldn't seem to manage to feel the right way about things?

Quietly, she felt around for anything off in her head or body, but all she could feel was calm. Wonderful, blissfully beautiful quietness. Normally, it happened more often than not that she had to take some time to calm down enough to be able to even think about sleeping. Even Cullen had gotten used to falling asleep with bits of her stray magic still humming around in the air most nights. And to her constantly cold hands. Hands that now were warm and relaxed underneath the covers as Cassia breathed deeply into the night. It felt so quiet it was almost unsettling.

Unsettling in the way that it didn’t feel uncomfortable or even the slightest bit scary. Cassia almost didn’t dare to think the thoughts that were welling up in her. With every calm and peaceful minute passing, they grew louder in her head. Thoughts about how wonderful she felt, despite the leftover pain still coursing through her body. How this feeling, this peacefulness seemed to be nearly everything she had ever dreamed of. And how it would go away again.

When Anders had told her to expect full access to her magic returning within a day, he had said it with a hopeful, uplifting tone. A tone meant to console her; and Cassia had felt something close up in her throat, trying her best to smile and not let thoughts about how she wouldn’t mind the effects lasting for much longer claw their way to the surface. What had been Anders’ reassurance had been her disappointment. She tried to remember when she had last felt like this. This inner peace, the quiet and contentment. When she had last felt this free.

Her eyes started to burn, staring into the darkness as she came up with the answer. 

Way over a decade ago. 

_Before_.

For a moment the image of her father flashed in front of her eyes. How disappointed he would be if he knew that for all his training, for all his words, his own daughter still hadn’t learned control. Still hated what he had tried to teach her to embrace. When exhaustion caught up, no longer letting itself be denied, Cassia finally fell into a deep slumber in the early morning hours. 

But it did not last.

The morning’s light fell through the windows and straight onto her pillow, much to her annoyance.

Tiredness clung to her as she got out of bed, threw on some clothes, and went to find the rest of her family. She found them at the dining table. Mostly. Cullen was still having breakfast while Maia was obviously already done, running back and forth between the table and an apparently very important place behind the door.

“Good morning, my loves,” Cassia said with a smile, and the little girl let out an indignant squeak as she swept her up in her arms into a tight embrace. For a brief moment, Maia held on to her, but Cassia had no chance to indulge in holding her daughter before she felt her get restless, pushing at her mother to let her go back to playing. With a sigh and another smile, she sat her back down before moving over to the table.

“Good morning. You are up early,” Cullen said, starting to move as if he wanted to get her chair for her. Cassia spared the furniture no glance, and a moment later, she was sitting on his lap, her arms around his neck to give him a good-morning kiss.

“Couldn’t sleep anymore,” she mumbled quietly as they parted. His arm had snuck around her, and his hand lay warm and soothing on her back.

“Orana can take care of Maia, so you can go back to bed if you feel like it. And you heard the healer’s orders, so take all the time you need to get better,” Cullen said with a warm look, and Cassia smiled at him.

“Of course! The only thing I planned for today was to take a short shopping trip to the market,” she said with a nod.

Cullen raised his eyebrows in clear disapproval. “Please just stay home and actually listen to what Anders said last night,” he said quietly, clearly not wanting to turn the issue into a debate. Worry shining through his whole demeanor. 

For a brief moment, Cassia wanted to argue. She felt fine. Well, not in a literal, truthful sense of the word, but much better than she had anticipated she would feel at least. But she also knew how worried he was about her, just as she knew that it wasn’t without cause. With a sigh, she decided to abandon her plan to go out for now.

“Fine. But can you get me a few supplies on your way back home then? I’ll make you a list of things that I need.” She got up, getting herself something to write.

“Of course,” Cullen answered immediately, relief visible on his face as he waited for her to jot down the things she wanted him to get. When she handed him the list a few moments later, it didn’t take long for the frown to reappear on his face. “Cassia, those are potion supplies. The same ones you got before…” He gave her a pointed look, as if daring her to deny his suspicion, to make an excuse about what she needed those things for. When Cassia only looked back at him without saying anything, he sighed. “Look, you can’t fault me for being worried, not after what just happened.”

“What happened,” Cassia said, with quiet intensity in her voice, “is that I found out it works!” Despite the bad side effects, the potion she had come up with had saved all of their lives. “Plus, it would be different this time! I mean, normally, I don’t get hit by a Smite during my day-to-day life…” Her attempt at humor wasn’t received well as Cullen’s frown stayed firmly on his face.

“Still, what if…” 

Cassia interrupted him in a calm, but very serious voice.

“And what if someone one day decides to check again? You told me yourself the test is designed to be unnoticeable.” His words from last night were still on her mind. Unsettling her more than she would have thought possible with their implications. “I wouldn’t even know if it is happening...”

She could see that he understood her point, knew why she worried, just as much as she could see he remained conflicted about her idea nonetheless. 

“And what if the drain alone is enough to make the potion respond badly?” he finally voiced his concerns, and Cassia swallowed.

He had a point.

“We could test that,” she suggested carefully. “I’ll take the potion, and you do that testing thing…”

Cullen’s eyes widened slightly. “Cassia, I don’t want to risk hurting you.”

“I know you don’t, but at least we would be able to control the circumstances.” Cassia hated how much she could hear her own worry shine through her words. When she had started planning for emergencies, had begun her potions experiments and her tinkering with concealing her magic, she had been aware that she was preparing for a very real danger. Something that might just happen. But to a certain point, it had still been very theoretical. A far-off possibility of danger that might or might not come to pass. She had thought herself well prepared, ready to stand tall against everything. But after the last twenty-four hours, everything felt different. She had thought she was ready, but she knew better now. She hadn’t been ready. Not at all. In the end, it had been down to pure luck that her theory had worked. 

For a moment, she watched Maia play. The urge to pick her up and hold her close, never letting her out of her arms again welled up with a strength like never before, but Cassia didn’t move a muscle. Maia was completely unaware of everything that could have happened the day before. Everything that could have gone wrong. Everything that could happen to her as well if it turned out she had her mother’s magic. 

They were free. For now. If Cassia wanted it to stay that way, she would have to be much better prepared in the future. No more relying on good faith and luck. She would have to make absolutely certain they were safe. If that required some trial and error for herself, she would just have to grind her teeth and live with that.

“You can stop at the first sign of something not going right,” she suggested to Cullen, who still looked uncomfortable with her plans. “Isn’t it worth trying if it will keep us safe in the long run?”

He looked still torn before drawing her against his chest. “You know,” Cullen muttered quietly against her hair, “I didn’t quite get it before.”

Cassia was about to ask what he meant when he already continued on his own. “How your sister was so worried about you when she was standing in my office, telling me to get my priorities straight.” He let out a small sigh. “I mean, I knew in theory. I was never without sympathy when I saw someone mourn the loss of a loved one to the Circle. But…”

“It’s different when it’s personal,” Cassia said quietly. 

“It shouldn’t have been.” Cullen’s voice sounded a bit rough all of a sudden, and Cassia drew back, surprised by the pained look in his eyes. “It shouldn’t have taken something like this to truly make me see.” 

His arms around her tightened, like he couldn’t hold her close enough. For a moment the feeling of his tight embrace was her entire world. Cassia closed her eyes, basking in the complete sense of safety she felt in moments like this. It was almost absurd in its contrast to everything she had felt the day before. Like it shouldn’t be possible to feel like this so soon after what had happened. Yet in a way, it felt even more real than the terror and panic had felt. More tangible. 

But part of her knew that this feeling wouldn’t last. That she had to do more than just hide away in the comfort of a soothing embrace. No matter how far away the danger felt in moments like this.

“I didn’t quite get it either,” she finally said, her voice barely above a whisper. “You would think I of all people would have been prepared from how I grew up, but…” With a deep breath, she let her head rest on his shoulder. “It’s different when it’s personal,” she repeated her earlier words. 

For a while, the only sounds that could be heard were the noises Maia made while happily playing. Cassia turned her head, her eyes following their daughter as Maia seemed completely engrossed with the ribbon on her socks, not having a single care in the world. From the way he moved, she knew Cullen did the same.

“Alright,” he finally said, drawing in a deep breath. “I’ll get you whatever you need to keep you safe. Because I don't want you to be hurt like this ever again." The look he gave her was both intense and pleading. “And please promise me you will let Anders check up on you if something is even slightly amiss.”

Cassia felt the hesitation well up inside her. She had a pretty good idea of how Anders would most likely feel about this. There had been a reason she had been experimenting on her own, after all. But the clear worry still written all over Cullen’s face left her little choice but to nod.

“I promise,” she assured him. “I will be very careful. With all of this.” 

So careful, she vowed to herself, that burdening Anders would not even be necessary. There would be no need for a healer if she was absolutely fine, after all.


	4. Give In To Shadowed Whispers

Adriene kept looking over her shoulder for the next few weeks, even though she didn’t admit to it. The feeling of absolute helplessness she had experienced in the Gallows stuck, and the fact that she couldn’t make the people involved pay in a very direct and bloody way did not make it easier. She tried to cope by accepting more jobs, fighting harder and celebrating more loudly than before, anything to drone out the ever-present anxiety of turning around and finding a templar behind her.

Leandra had stormed to the Viscount’s office the day after the ordeal as soon as politeness allowed to make an official complaint to both him and the Knight-Commander about the treatment of her daughters. But the only thing she had received was a written apology by Meredith that spoke in overly formal words about the necessity of being thorough in their investigations which was less than satisfying. And just like Adriene had expected, Leandra turned her own fears and worries against her, demanding to know what she intended to do to ensure that nothing like this would happen again. Adriene had no good answer for her mother about how the templars had even gotten interested in them which put another layer of pressure on their already strained relationship. Leandra’s next letter was to Bethany, asking her not to return to Kirkwall at least until autumn.

Adriene made a point of stopping by Cassia’s whenever she could, in the hope that seeing her sister safe and happy would calm the ever-present anxiety in herself, too. It didn’t work too well, not at first at least. With the templars who had arrested them still at large, she couldn’t find much sleep, the permanent fear that they might try again keeping her on edge. They had been more than lucky — but there was no guarantee that they would be again. And so she kept her blades sharp and coated in poison, spending whole nights on a rooftop near Cullen and Cassia’s home to watch over them until the first light of dawn. 

All Soul’s Day came and went, and with the heat of summer sinking down on Kirkwall, Adriene started to spend more than a few hours in her own bed at night again. Something like routine came back to their days, and she found she no longer instinctively reached for her daggers at the slightest sound.

Every now and then, when Orana or Leandra took care of Maia, Cassia even started to join them on missions again. And when Sebastian asked them to accompany him to confront the people who had hired mercenaries to kill his family, they both immediately agreed to help him.

But as they went with Sebastian and Fenris through Harimann manor, finding one member of the family after the other under some compulsion, Adriene wished they had more than one mage with them. They knew the family was under some sort of spell, but Cassia hadn’t been able to dispel or counter it. Eventually, they had to leave them in their illusions once those of the house staff that was not enthralled was safe. It left them all on edge as they made their way down into the cellars.

“Turn back!”

Adriene spun around, daggers in her hands, and from the corner of her eye, she could see Sebastian knock an arrow. Fenris had his sword ready in a second, and from the frosty whisper coming from her right, Adriene knew that Cassia had gotten ready for an attack as well. But when Sebastian saw who approached them, he lowered his bow.

“Flora,” Sebastian said, relief in his voice. “Can you hear me now?”

The woman did not react, her eyes weirdly distant. Her brother and father had the same absent expression as they came out of the shadows and towards them. There was a strange sensation on Adriene’s skin, like the feeling of someone _nearly_ touching her, and she felt the hairs on her neck stand up.

“Turn back!” Flora Harimann repeated, not even looking at Sebastian. She just stared through them. “There is nothing here for you!”

“She can’t hear you,” Adriene said quietly to Sebastian, not taking her eyes off the three people in front of them. Something was very wrong here, and she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. How had they managed to overtake them without them noticing? 

“We just want to know what’s happening! Flora, please,” Sebastian said nonetheless, taking a step towards her. Immediately, Brett Harimann advanced on him, only stopping when Fenris put himself between him and Sebastian.

“Turn back! There is nothing here for you!” Brett repeated, in the same monotone voice that Flora had. Adriene exchanged a look with Cassia who looked just as worried.

“They’re trying to keep you away from something,” Adriene said to Sebastian.

“Or someone,” Cassia added, a frown on her face. “Lady Harimann is still missing…”

The moment she mentioned Lady Harimann, Lord Harimann stepped forward, his face twisting in a grimace as he bellowed, “There is nothing here for you!”

Adriene’s grip around her daggers tightened, but they did not come closer, just stood there. The strange tingle on her skin got stronger, and she swallowed nervously. 

Sebastian looked at the Harimanns, then took a step back. “I think you are right, Adriene. They are protecting something,” he said quietly. “We should find out what.”

“You and Cassia should go on.” Adriene nodded towards the entrance behind the three people. “Fenris and I can keep them occupied until you find what is causing all this.”

Fenris looked back at her and gave her an affirmative, short nod.

“I wouldn’t want to see them hurt,” Sebastian said hesitantly. Adriene exchanged another look with Cassia, the frown on her face deepening. They had heard what Grand Cleric Elthina had said to him, how disapproving she was of what he had done. But they also knew that the Grand Cleric had offered no sympathy to Sebastian either and had shown no understanding of his grief over the loss of his family. And yet… Adriene could understand how torn he was about what had happened only too well. She let out a breath and nodded.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “We won’t hurt them unless there is no other way.”

Sebastian heaved a heavy sigh. “I suppose I can ask no more. Cassia, are you willing to accompany me?”

She gave him a little smile. “Of course I am.”

He inclined his head to her. “Alright then. Let’s go.”

But the moment he and Cassia started to go around the three Harimanns towards the entrance behind them, Flora nearly screamed, “You shall not enter!” 

Immediately, Fenris and Adriene put themselves between the Harimanns and Sebastian and Cassia, ready to hold them back if they attacked — but instead, their eyes rolled back into their heads, and they collapsed. Adriene’s eyes widened as she saw the air ripple where Flora Harimann had stood just a second before, and a heady smell started to fill the cellar. A demon. Something in Adriene _switched_ , her eyes narrowed and the fingers around her knives tightened.

“Go!” she yelled towards Cassia and Sebastian, already in attack position. “Go! We got it!”

* * *

Without losing any more time, Cassia followed Sebastian away from the fighting noises behind them and deeper into what looked like long-forgotten ruins. There was barely any light around them, singular torches spread too far apart to really light up the room giving off a faint glow. 

“Whatever this place is, it isn’t as abandoned as it looks,” she muttered quietly.

Sebastian only nodded. “We should tread carefully!”

Slowly, they moved along the faint lights, trying to make as little noise as possible until Sebastian suddenly held up a hand and stopped.

“Someone is talking,” he whispered, and Cassia held her breath, listening to the faint sounds. She couldn’t make out any words, but he was right, there was definitely someone there. A gust of wind went past her, followed by a sickly sweet smell in the air, making her shiver. They were underground. A place usually not prone to being windy.

“We need to get closer!” she whispered back, and Sebastian nodded. Carefully, they tried to close in on the noises while staying out of sight. Suddenly, Sebastian stopped again. As Cassia saw what held his attention, she swallowed. In front of them, barely out of reach, were both a woman and a demon. A woman who openly talked about how she had murdered Sebastian’s family.

Cassia could see the tension running through him, and before she could try and stop him, he was moving with quick strides towards the scene.

“You were my mother’s friend!” Sebastian’s voice was full of both anger and disbelief. “And you murdered her!”

The moment his angry outburst announced their presence, they had the attention of both the woman, who Cassia could only assume was Lady Harimann herself, and the demon right next to her. 

But something felt off. Cassia blinked, her hand closing more firmly around her staff as she tried to stay focused. Her eyes went back to the demon, unable to stop staring at the creature that was now talking again. What was it even saying? It? She? Another bout of wind seemed to pass her by, again with the heavy, somewhat sweet smell, and Cassia swallowed. Why couldn’t she focus? Next to her, Sebastian shouted something, and before Cassia could shake off the haze that had fallen over her, she saw him move — only to be forcefully thrown back. He flew against the wall with a dull noise, falling unconscious to the ground, and Cassia’s heart started to beat faster. He probably needed help. She had to do something!

With all the concentration she could muster, she shook her head, trying to clear her mind, and took a step back. But before she could turn around and rush to his side, the demon was suddenly close. 

Cassia held her breath, her throat dry as sandpaper. Desire demons had a very visceral impact on people, much more than envy or rage demons. They also looked considerably less dangerous than other demonic manifestations. She knew all that from her studies, but nothing could have prepared her for just how strong that impact actually was. It, _she_ , looked at her with coy eyes, assessing her with a languid look before speaking.

“My, aren’t you precious,” the demon purred in a low voice that sounded like liquid honey. The way she kept looking at her made Cassia wish she was wearing much more clothes, even though she was already fully dressed. “It isn’t often that I get the opportunity to help such a lovely creature,” she continued, taking a step towards her. “Come on now, don’t be shy.” The demon smiled. “Your friend didn’t want my help, but you...” Another step, and Cassia couldn’t help but flinch. She needed to help Sebastian! Why was moving so difficult all of a sudden?

“Now, let’s see,” the demon purred again. “What is it that you desire?”

“Don’t you already have a protégé?” Cassia got out between clenched teeth, eyes flicking over to the woman still shortly behind the demon.

An unsettling smile flitted over the demon’s face. “Worried about sharing my attention?” 

Cassia was trying to breathe through her mouth to avoid the distracting scent. “I…” she started, but a sudden finger on her lips stopped her as the demon shushed her gently. 

“Don’t you worry, my dear,” she said, her voice sounding deceptively sweet. “I grew tired of this one a while ago.” There was a sound of protest coming from the other woman, but before she could say anything more, the unmistakable sharp sound of breaking bones sounded through the ruins. Cassia’s eyes widened in horror as she watched Lady Harimann’s neck contort before her body fell to the ground with a dull thud.

“There, now you have me all to yourself,” the demon said, an innocent-looking smile on her face as her hand cupped Cassia’s cheek.

Cassia froze as a flash of something that felt like lightning ran through her at the touch, images dancing in front of her eyes. So many of them. She felt dizzy, swaying slightly when she realized that those things she saw were her thoughts, her memories. She gasped, staring into the black eyes that seemed to burn into her. This wasn’t something she had ever read about. Could the demon see everything that was running through Cassia’s mind right now?

“I don’t want…” Cassia started again, trying to force herself to move, to stop this contact, but it was as if she was held in place by an unseen force.

“Oh, I can just see what you want,” the demon almost sang. Her tone was delighted, joyous even. “So much want, so much _need_. Oh, you’ve got it bad, my dear.”

Images of herself in the Gallows flashed before her eyes. Herself, in Cullen’s office. For a second, she could almost feel the rough stone wall against her back again. The images changed. The wall was still hard behind her, but this time, the hands on her wanted nothing more than to hurt her, closing around her throat. Not _his_ hands. More images. Of magic barely contained, and the bliss of quiet. Again, Cassia tried to pull away, but she couldn’t manage to move even the slightest bit.

* * *

Ever since they had killed the demons spawning in the cellar, Adriene felt more and more like something was _wrong_. The three Harimanns were still unconscious but otherwise unharmed, and so she and Fenris had gone after Cassia and Sebastian. Deeper and deeper, they went into the ruins beneath the estate. Cool air caressed her hot face as they carefully descended the stairs, and Adriene shivered, goosebumps running over her skin.

Fenris threw her a look. He was still tense, the lyrium markings on his skin glowing faintly in the dim light. Not that she blamed him; battling demons was always unsettling. “Are you alright?” he asked.

Adriene nodded. “Yes, I just…” She trailed off, giving him an awkward shrug. “I don’t know. This whole thing sets me on edge. Ever since we’ve entered the estate, I’ve felt… strange. Hot and cold at the same time.” She scrunched up her nose and shook her head, rolling her eyes at herself. “I’m probably just getting a cold.”

“Hm,” he hummed, frowning slightly. She thought she could detect a hint of worry in his eyes, and another shiver ran down her back. Ever since the fateful night they had spent with each other, they had been careful to keep a certain distance between them. But there had been moments, evenings, missions where there had been a touch, a look, a smile that had sent a dangerous sliver of hope and longing through her. Every time he looked at her with unguarded feeling, like now, her heart clenched… even though she tried to deny it even to herself. Involuntarily, she drew her lip between her teeth, but Fenris was already looking back around.

“We should be careful,” he grumbled. “I know what you mean, this whole scenario reeks of magic.” He said the last word with disgust. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we met more demons. Let’s try and catch up to Sebastian and Cassia, quickly.”

“Yes,” Adriene said, but it came out raspy. Her throat felt dry, and she tried to clear it a few times before giving up. Maybe she really got a cold. That would at least explain the feverish feeling and the way the air seemed to thicken the further down they went.

For a few minutes, they continued in silence. Adriene found her eyes returning to Fenris again and again as he took the lead. A sweet, heavy scent was in the air as they went further and further through what looked like ancient ruins. The deeper they got, the harder Adriene found it to concentrate. Her thoughts seemed to scatter more with every step she took, and eventually she stopped, breathing heavily. Something was _pulling_ at her, something warm and promising, something that made her want to forget why she was here. Somewhere deep inside her, a warning bell went off, but she couldn’t form a clear thought in her head. If only it weren’t so hot…

“I think I hear voices,” Fenris said in the same moment that Adriene started to get dizzy, fumbling for a hold on the rough stone wall.

“Fenris,” she managed to get out before she sagged against the wall.

* * *

The demon didn’t seem to care about Cassia’s struggle to move. “Everyone will tell you it's all wrong, but you,” she looked into Cassia’s eyes, forcing her undivided attention. “You know it just feels so right, don’t you?” She stepped closer until Cassia could feel the heat of her body against her. “I can get you what you want. What you truly desire.” Her eyes suddenly changed. No longer black but looking fully human. Familiar. Cassia’s breath hitched when she suddenly stared into Cullen’s eyes. She blinked hastily, and the demon smiled, looking completely demonic again.

“I don’t…”

“Shhh,” the demon said again. “I know all about what you want. What you yearn for. Every little detail you dream about. What you want him to do to you.” There was something devious on her face, her voice dropping a bit lower. “You know all about his kind side, but still, he remains oh-so-dangerous, doesn’t he?” she murmured. “I can give you what he can’t. The things you don’t dare to ask. You would never be in any danger from me.”

Cassia’s eyes widened again as she started to understand just what the demon was talking about. With renewed effort, she tried to move again, but it was just as pointless as before. It became difficult to breathe as the demon’s smile widened. “Oh, aren’t you just delicious!” she breathed, and Cassia could feel the hot air on her face as the demon suddenly ran clawed fingers over her neck. “All pent up, wound so tightly… we are going to have so much fun, you and I!”

“No,” she got out, her voice sounding a bit firmer again. “Stay away from me, and let me go!”

The demon just chuckled as she started to play with a strand of Cassia’s hair. “You are powerful, and my hold on you is barely there,” she said, sounding like she was lecturing an insolent child all of a sudden. “If you can’t find it in you to turn away from me, well… you might want to ask yourself why that is.” She was right in front of her now, and Cassia felt panic rise up in her at the sight of the demon licking her lips in anticipation with a forked tongue. 

“Let me in,” the demon whispered, hovering so close that Cassia could feel the words on her lips.

* * *

There was something in the air, Adriene could hear it, feel it. It was like a purr, a flick of tongue caressing over her skin that seemed to lure her in, drawing the strength out of her body.

But before she fell, strong arms were around her, holding her up.

“Adriene!”

That was Fenris’ voice. 

The sound seemed to wrap itself around her, caressing down her neck and making her shiver. She held onto him, trying to stay upright. Suddenly, the heat around her and the drawl of a seductive voice somewhere in the background — _what voice?!_ — were making it hard to breathe, and she forced herself to take a slow, deep breath.

_That was a mistake._

The heady scent filled her nose and mouth and _mind_ , went down her throat and straight into her core, stealing away the tension from her muscles and filling every pore of her body with want. She hadn’t felt desire this strong ever since Fenris had left her. No, no, it was more than desire, it was more than lust. It was _need_. She needed him close, she needed him to always have his arms around her, to hold her close.

But she couldn’t.

She couldn’t want this, she _mustn’t_!

He had left her for a reason. Her proximity, her touch woke nightmares and horrors for him, and the last thing she wanted was to be a cause of pain for him.

“Fenris, I…” she started, struggling to get back on her feet, but her voice failed as more of the heady scent wrapped itself around her, through her body, coaxing a whimper from her lips. She tried to push him off, to keep him safe from her, but as her hands wandered over his arms, she could feel the tingle of his lyrium tattoos caressing her palm. The feeling woke memories of the taste of his skin, the taste of the sea and the night, the lyrium clear and fresh like elfroot on her tongue. 

* * *

Cassia was still trying with all her might to shake her head, to cry out a loud “No!” when the demon was suddenly upon her. Lips sealed over her own, stopping her from breathing as her eyes fell shut against her will, and a wave of pure want washed over her. There were arms closing around her, physically holding her in place, and something in Cassia burst open under all the pressure. She felt the familiar tingling of her magic working on its own around her fingers, a long, sharp spear of ice forming in her hand. Without conscious thought, she lifted her arm, getting ready to strike.

Her eyes flew open as she tried to bring down the icy spear onto the demon, and Cassia froze in place as she looked directly into Cullen’s face. This time, it wasn't just his eyes, it was everything. The lips on her own burned like fire, and Cassia felt almost smothered, gasping for air against a relentless force. An inhuman tongue, forked and slightly too long, swept through her mouth, and Cassia felt a noise of distress being swallowed from her throat. She knew she had to strike. Now. It was a demon after all, no matter whose face it wore. Her hand clenched around her frozen weapon, unmoving, as Cassia started to panic, started to struggle.

The demon drew back the smallest amount. “Shh,” came Cullen’s voice from its mouth. “Don’t be afraid. I’m here.” 

* * *

_Maker protect me,_ Adriene thought, but it was hard to hold on to the thought as she felt Fenris’ arms around her, her skin hot and feverish where he touched her. Her heart started to race, and Adriene struggled to stay focused. But every second that she felt Fenris close to her made it harder to keep her thoughts from shattering. She could hear Fenris say something, ask something, but the words didn’t make sense. She took another breath, shallow this time to avoid breathing in too much of that heat and smell that made her knees wobbly and her skin tingle. It sent little shivers through her core until she thought Fenris had to feel them where they touched.

Somewhere deep inside, she knew that this was _wrong_ , that she shouldn’t feel this way, and especially not around Fenris. No, she had to get ahold of herself!

Adriene tried to move away from Fenris, back against the stone wall that would hopefully be cool against her back, but when she looked up, Fenris was so close she could feel him all over her body. The whisper in the air was a tease, an allure that caressed over her skin, _under_ her skin, that scent chasing away every last hold on her willpower. Before she could gather her thoughts, she leaned forward, her nose and lips ghosting over the skin at Fenris’ neck, inhaling deeply. 

She could feel him freeze under her touch, the sharp intake of breath as she kissed the soft skin just beneath his ear.

* * *

Cassia was breathing heavily, her hand still hovering high behind the demon. But the voice in her ears sounded so real… If she didn’t find her own courage, her strength again in the next few seconds, it would win. 

_Fenris and Adriene._

They were somewhere behind them, weren’t they? If only she could manage to scream for help.

The demon meanwhile looked ready to claim her. “You can get everything you ever wanted from me,” came Cullen’s voice again. “Without fear of consequences. No judgement. Don’t be afraid, you know you need this. You know you need me.” The demon’s smile on Cullen’s face looked so painfully real that Cassia felt her legs tremble. “I will give you everything.” Such a wonderful promise. “Believe me, I can offer so much more than the real thing. So much better. I can protect you. You and your child. And you won’t even know the difference.”

* * *

There was something Adriene was supposed to do, to remember, but right in this second, she couldn’t keep one clear thought in her mind. Nothing mattered but the feeling of Fenris’ arms around her, of his body against hers. This was what the world was supposed to feel like — the heat and tingle between them, the safety of his arms, his breath across her skin. Pure, blissful happiness surged through her as she knew herself in his arms.

She no longer tried to back away from him. Instead, she nestled up against him, moving slowly in his arms as she tried to get even closer. Fenris was still rigid before her, then suddenly, she felt his arm around her tighten as he pulled her flush against him and buried his face against her neck, one hand cradling her head, fingers curling on her skin.

A soft moan fell from her lips as she bared her neck for him, the heat burning beneath her skin.

His lips were soft against her neck, a sharp hiss against her skin as she ran her tongue over his ear. Adriene had her eyes closed, letting the feeling of his skin beneath her touch guide her as her lips wandered over his jaw, softly, slowly towards his mouth. She could feel his hand run over the curve of her body, lingering in her waist before going upwards and _why was she still wearing clothes?_

* * *

It felt so real. Sounded so real. The sensation of being in the demon’s arms felt exactly like Cullen holding her. The smell of his office seemed to be around her and the eyes… She found herself unable to strike. Even knowing that it was an illusion. Her mind knew, but every fiber of her body seemed convinced this was real enough. Suddenly, she understood all too well how so many people had fallen prey to demons before. Why couldn't she call for help? The dreadful thought that something might have happened to her sister and her friend settled like a stone in her stomach, making her feel sick with worry. They should have come after them by now, she thought, but the demon moved in closer again, and no one came to her rescue. Cassia felt the lips return to hers, and the air leaving her lungs again. She got more and more lightheaded with every second.

“Everything,” Cullen promised again, and she felt herself almost falter at the oh-so-familiar feeling. Part of her was almost begging her to just give in, to let herself be swept away. “You want so much, and I can give it all to you! I can keep you safe!” 

Cassia could feel every syllable on her lips as the words were whispered against her mouth, slowly stripping away her resistance. _‘Everything’_ had been the promise. _‘I can keep you safe.’_ She looked at the templar armor directly in front of her, the red symbol burning into her eyes. “My magic,” she whispered, even tonelessly making it sound like a challenge. “Take away my magic!”

Cullen froze, not letting go of her but shaking his head. “Impossible,” he said with a hint of amusement. “I can imitate a lot, but not that.” With a smirk that Cassia only knew all too well, he added, “I can make you forget about all that though, you only need to let me.”

“Not really _‘better than the real thing’_ after all then,” Cassia muttered, more to herself than to anyone else as she felt a new resolution inside her. As if that simple difference had been enough to convince the rest of her that it was all a lie. Unreal. Not willing to look into the eyes that made her almost forget about this again, her arm tensed, and she brought down the icicle with a roar, embedding it deep into the creature in front of her.

* * *

Adriene could feel the room shift around them, making her dizzy, and she swayed in his arms that tightened around her. _Maker,_ she wanted to kiss him. But just as her lips wanted to find his, he turned his head slightly until she felt his voice rumbling deep in his chest, barely audible as he spoke into her ear.

“Stop. Demon.”

It was enough to bring back something of her ability to think, even if it did nothing against the pure longing in her body and heart.

_A demon._

Something like relief — or was it regret? — flashed over Fenris’ face as she pulled back to look at him, the longing in her veins dimming for a moment. Yes. If there was a demon, that explained the way her mind seemed to fog over as soon as her concentration wavered even for a second. That explained the voice that seemed to caress her very being.

_Cassia. Sebastian._

Her eyes widened. They were further in, possibly already in its clutches! And they relied on her and Fenris to come to their aid! She had to stop. She had to focus! Adriene struggled to keep her composure, tried to remind herself that this was not _her_ , this was the demon’s influence. 

And yet… this was nothing she had not dreamed about in the lonely nights in her bed. Fenris’ body against hers, nothing between them, their faces barely more than a finger’s width apart, his hands and voice on her skin, the feeling of him moving over her, _in_ her…

Her breath came in fast, hard bursts, and she forced herself to look up at him, into his eyes that held a wariness she only knew too well. That was something she could focus on — if she remembered that he had rejected her, that she had to stay away from him, she would be safe.

But the wariness was not all she could see in his eyes. There was something else, a shimmer of a feeling she only knew too well. Fenris’ hand was still in her neck, fingers slowly curling on her skin. It made her all but sigh in a desperate need.

* * *

Cassia staggered back. The demon howled, swaying in front of her but not going down. 

It wasn’t going down! And it was getting ready to strike — only to howl again in pain as something struck it from behind.

Cassia could feel tears of relief welling up in her eyes as she saw Sebastian, looking slightly worse for wear but definitely alive and ready for battle behind the demon, already lining up another shot. 

With a furious growl, the demon flared up and turned around, throwing a ball of energy at Sebastian, forcing him to move and dodge out of the way. Without pause it turned back to Cassia with a snarl, reaching behind itself, a hand spouting large claws that closed around the icicle before tearing it out. The makeshift weapon fell to the ground, shattering into pieces.

“Well, that was rude,” the demon hissed at her. It was still using Cullen’s voice. Still looked like him. Mostly. Its eyes were pitch black, and Cassia felt the claws as its hands closed around her, dug into her arms and into her shoulders as it surged forward with a shriek that made her ears ring. She covered her ear closest to the demon with her free hand, her staff clattering to the ground forgotten. 

“It doesn’t matter!” It spat, a low rumble rolling though its chest as its claws broke Cassia’s skin. “I shall take what I want regardless.” Cassia thought she saw something move behind it, but the demon filled almost her entire view by now. “Such a weak mind, seeking out that which exists to destroy you.” Never before had she heard Cullen’s voice laced with something that sounded so vicious. “Tell me, the dreams where he finds you, takes all that you have from you, are those the nightmares or the good ones?”

When Cassia stared ahead in horror, it was still his face that she saw. It took the unbearable feeling of the demon trying again to force itself into her mind for Cassia to snap out of her stupor, to start fighting back. Without a weapon, she had precious few options. It was getting hard to breathe with the demon smothering her. The magic around her tingled, surged. Her head felt dizzy again. _Fight!_ Something screamed in her. _Get that thing off. Now!_ A faint thread of magic was around her, and Cassia’s mind latched onto it, pulling hard until she felt something give. Warmth ran over her. No, not warmth. Heat. Unforgiving, blazing heat. She felt the flames lash over her skin, slowly setting herself on fire to burn the creature out of her, away from her. The demon flinched as another arrow embedded itself into its back. With another roar, it turned around, changing its form until it looked like someone else before charging at Sebastian.

* * *

Something was different, _wrong_.

Fenris and Adriene both realized it at the same time. The voice of the demon was no longer seductive and alluring, but loud, screeching, and then there was the unmistakable sound of a spell being fired; Sebastian yelling something. 

Abruptly, they let go of each other, a curse on Fenris’ lips as his tattoos flared, and he ghosted towards the entrance behind which the sounds of a battle could be heard. 

Adriene felt Fenris’ absence as if he had been the only thing keeping her focused and upright. Even though she wanted to go, wanted to help, she couldn’t do anything but sag back against the wall. What was happening to her?!

With an effort of will, she pulled her daggers out, stumbling after Fenris, still fighting against the fog that seemed to encompass her mind. But what she saw in the cave as she finally made it to the fight was not what she had expected.

There was no demon.

Instead, she saw Sebastian stumble back, eyes wide, as Cassia and Fenris advanced on _Bethany_. No. No, it couldn’t be, Bethany wasn’t even here in Kirkwall!

And Bethany didn’t have claws.

Adriene swallowed hard, her mouth dry, and blinked desperately to clear her head. That wasn’t Bethany. Bethany had no claws, nor black eyes. That was not her baby sister, it was the demon. 

The thought seemed to clear her head somewhat, and some of the feeling in her body came back. She started to tense, appraising the situation to find the best moment to jump into the fight, but before she could take a step, the demon was hit by a powerful spell, thrown into her direction. 

That was her chance! Her hands tightened around her daggers, and she started to run — but then the demon looked up, black eyes looking at her, looking _into_ her, bringing her to an abrupt stop. Reality shimmered around it, and Adriene staggered back as another wave of that smell, that taunt and allure smashed into her mind. _I should have taken you,_ was in her ears and everywhere around her, and she couldn’t do anything but stare at the figure that was the sole focus of her attention right now. She knew these eyes, that look, and the voice that was curling itself around her like a familiar touch.

“Help me!”

Fenris. It was Fenris, and he needed her help!

A flurry of movement, streaks of light and white hair and dark skin, and her eyes widened.

“Help me! Quick!”

That was Fenris’ voice, but she had no idea which one of the two identical-looking people in front of her was the real one. A shimmer of magic and darkness was around them both, the same snarl and look, the same movements, and Adriene started to panic.

“Which one?!” she called desperately, her eyes flickering to her sister. “Which one is real?”

Cassia was still trying to force air into her lungs again, hands clawing at the ground to find purchase, something to hold on to when she heard her sister’s desperate yell. She forced her head up, trying to see what was happening. The demon had changed form again, and for a brief second, Cassia felt nothing but relief at not having to look at Cullen anymore. Until she realized the problem that they had now. The two fighting people looked completely identical, and Cassia cursed at the demon’s ability to mask even its obvious injury. 

“Which one?” Adriene called again, her daggers twitching in her hands, and Cassia gathered all her strength to stand up again, as an idea hit her. 

“Fuck,” she cursed. Fenris was going to hate her for this, but the longer she waited, the more danger they were all in. “I am so sorry, Fenris!” Cassia shouted before gathering her magic and blasting it towards them. The second it hit, one of the two identical elves hissed, his tattoos flaring up brightly. 

“That’s the real one,” she yelled at her sister, before losing her balance again.

The demon imitated the flare just a moment later, but it had been enough to see who was the real Fenris and who was the imitation. With an effort of strength, Adriene jumped towards the demon, blades swirling, and she ducked beneath the claws that were coming from seemingly nowhere as she slashed her daggers across Fenris’, _no_ , the demon’s torso.

The demon hissed, its form shimmering for a second before solidifying again, but now, she had it on the defensive. With decisive, quick slashes, she pushed it backwards into the perfect position for Fenris, who grabbed with another bright, blue-white flare of lyrium into its chest and _ripped_.

As it staggered back with a painful groan, its eyes found Adriene. “Adriene…” it breathed with Fenris’ voice, and she could feel its claws scratching at her mind. A sudden burst of emotion — _want, pain, desire, grief, lust_ — washed over her, and she gasped.

_Please!_

It wasn’t him, she reminded herself, trying to push the voice out of her mind, but the moment of hesitation had been long enough for the demon to grab her, and suddenly, she found herself pulled against him.

_Help me!_

It wasn’t him, she knew it, but it looked like him, it felt like him, it smelled like him, and Adriene knew, she just _knew_ that if she kissed it, it would taste like him, too. Everything inside her screamed to kill it, but then he — _it_ smiled.

“We could be together forever,” he said, and Adriene’s eyes grew wide. With surprising strength, he grabbed her neck and pulled her in for a kiss. It was the sweetness in the air just before his lips met hers, that heady smell that seemed to lay itself upon her skin that made her bring up her daggers at the last second, driving them deep into its flesh.

The accusation and hurt in its eyes just before they flashed back to black felt personal, _touched_ her, then the demon shimmered back into its original form, losing its grip, and fell to the ground with a final thud.

Suddenly, the temperature in the cave seemed to drop, and goosebumps ran over Adriene’s skin as she stumbled back from the body. She took a deep, shuddering breath, realizing that she had tears on her cheek, and quickly wiped them away.

There was a deafening silence between them that seemed to deepen the longer it continued.

Eventually, Sebastian said quietly, “I am sorry for dragging you into this. This was certainly not what I had expected.” He seemed just as shaken as Adriene felt, and she remembered the form the demon had taken as it had attacked him. Bethany. 

“It’s not your fault,” Cassia said, her voice raw. It felt like there was still something lodged in her throat, inside her. She flinched from the pain in her shoulders and arms as she shifted, trying to move. It seemed like a bad idea at the moment. Every bit of her strength had gone into fighting the demon off in the end, leaving her a shivering pile of misery on the cold floor. 

Fenris was just looking back and forth between them, not yet having said a word, and Cassia felt beyond awful. “I am so sorry, Fenris,” she said slowly. Directing any actual magic at him had been something she had never, ever wanted to do. 

There was an arm around Cassia, and Adriene knelt next to her, pulling her closer. “Can you get up?” her sister asked carefully, and Cassia shook her head.

“Give me a few more minutes,” she murmured, trying to make sense of what had just happened. “I was worried. What took you so long?” she asked.

Instinctively, Adriene looked to Fenris, but he avoided her eyes, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other. 

“There was…” Adriene said in a small voice but didn’t know how she could even start to explain what had happened. Eventually, she just said, “We were delayed.”

Cassia looked from one to the other, her eyes narrowing. “You got to be kidding me,” she murmured with a little shake of her head, but Adriene hurried to explain.

“No, it’s… it’s not what you think, I promise. I just…” _Maker, what had she done?_ It was exactly what Cassia thought, but how could Adriene tell her that it was not a situation where she had not been able to keep it in her pants? How could she explain how compelled she had been, how lost in whatever had happened? Helplessly, she continued, “I couldn’t think, there was something…”

“It was the demon,” Fenris interrupted her, his voice strangely distant. “It was strong. Even I felt its influence, and Adriene was… especially susceptible.”

For a second, he looked at her, a quick glance that seemed to burn on her skin, and she blushed and looked away. Yes. That must have been it. That was why Fenris had reacted that way and not just stopped her, he had felt the demon’s influence. If only she could hide behind the demon as well, saying that it had made her do something. But she hadn’t done anything she hadn’t dreamed of happening ever since Fenris had left her.

Sebastian had come over to them. Now, the guilty expression on his face was replaced by one of worry. “Susceptible? Are you alright?”

Adriene just nodded, avoiding his piercing gaze. “I am,” she lied.

Fenris didn’t say anything.

Cassia sighed and let Adriene help her up. Immediately, Sebastian came to help.

“It was indeed one really powerful demon, I've rarely ever…” Cassia said, interrupting herself as her eyes fell on Adriene’s guilty face. She gave her sister a small smile. “I get it, really! There was a reason we hadn’t taken care of it already when you came.”

“If I knew there were demons and magic involved, I would have asked the templars to come,” Sebastian said darkly, looking over to where Lady Harimann lay.

Adriene shook her head and sighed, feeling very tired all of a sudden. “Nobody could have known, Sebastian. But we shouldn’t linger. We should get Cassia to Anders to get that shoulder fixed.”

He gave her a solemn nod. “Yes. And I should return to the Chantry. I must pray for Lady Harimann’s soul.” There was a bitterness to his voice that belied his words, and Adriene gave him a worried look. But Sebastian just supported Cassia as he walked back towards the Harimann Estate.

Quietly, Adriene followed them, catching up with Fenris who turned to leave without waiting for her. He tensed slightly as she was next to him, still avoiding her gaze. Adriene looked at him unhappily. She couldn’t help but think of what she had done, and how he had reacted… or not reacted. How she had nestled up against him, and how rigid he had become. And she hadn’t even cared, _couldn’t_ care. Then, when he had pulled her against him, nothing else had mattered.

Shortly before they reached the Harimann’s Estate, she carefully touched his arm.

“Fenris, I…” she started, and he looked at her, still that careful distance in his stance, in his eyes. “I am so sorry. I really am.”

Something in him softened, and he nodded. “I know,” he answered quietly after a moment. “It wasn’t your fault.”

But it _was_ her fault, Adriene knew it. It had been her thoughts, her desires that the demon had woken, had made so strong that she could no longer resist them. And it had not only made her ignore every single one of Fenris’ boundaries, it had also led to them not being able to help Cassia and Sebastian in time. Just because she wasn’t strong enough to resist a single demon.

_Blight._

They followed Sebastian and Cassia quietly, listening to Flora Harimann as she told Sebastian of how her mother had unearthed the ruins beneath the estate and made a pact with the demon, how their whole family had fallen prey to it.

“We weren’t the only ones vying for Starkhaven, Sebastian,” Flora said, and Sebastian’s face hardened. “If you face more opposition, you will have my support.”

“It will not make up for what happened,” Sebastian said quietly.

“No, that is true,” Flora Harimann answered, her voice full of grief.

They left the Harimann Estate behind, and as they walked through the streets towards the passage to Darktown and Anders’ clinic, Adriene thought about just how true that statement was. Nothing could make up for this.


	5. The Fear That Hides Within

Everything around her was completely dark. Cassia didn’t know how she got here or where  _ ‘here’ _ even was. She tried to blink, to get a grasp of her surroundings and who was with her, but it didn’t matter if her eyes were open or closed — the darkness around her remained the same. Something cold slid over her skin, leaving a trace of goosebumps in its wake as Cassia shivered. 

“What…” 

She tried to speak, but the sound died the moment it passed her lips. Her heart beating faster, she sucked in a deep breath. The air around her felt warm and… sweet? Almost sickly so. A feeling of dread spread through her as she stretched out her arms, trying to feel around for something, anything, that would give her an idea of where she was. 

There was nothing.

Carefully, she took a step forward. And another. The ground felt strange beneath her feet. Almost as if it wasn’t really there. Not quite solid enough. Not... not real.

Her heart was going faster, her breaths coming out in harsh bursts, making her feel light-headed as panic rose in her. Her hand was balled into a tight fist, nails digging into her own flesh to keep herself centered. Only... something felt off. It took her a moment to realize that it was the fact that she felt no pain at the familiar gesture, and she finally figured out what was going on around her. None of this was real. Cassia was dreaming.

“Such a pity,” came a low voice that seemed to originate both all around her and inside her head. “The part where people don’t know they are dreaming is usually the most fun part. Not to mention longer…”

Despite her earlier failure, Cassia tried to speak again. And this time, her voice came through but it was hoarse and scratchy as if she had not used it for a very long time. “Who are you?” Her own words felt almost like a shout compared to the subtle, rather quiet tone of the other voice.

“Does it matter?”

With those words, the cold feeling on her arm returned, and Cassia felt an involuntary shudder running through her at the sensation. The cold was biting on her skin, making her bite her lip to prevent herself from making a small noise of distress. 

Of course it mattered. All she could assume for now was that if she was dreaming and this was the Fade, then the voice had to belong to a demon. Nothing else had the capacity to give her entire self this overwhelming feeling of wrongness. The air around her held the same biting cold as the touch had, making her lungs hurt with every breath she took.

She tried to concentrate, to remember past dreams, past encounters. This didn’t feel like the overwhelming, suffocating heaviness of the desire demon. It was just as unsettling, but… different somehow. Its voice rumbling, a crackling underneath the words that reminded her of the sound a frozen lake in winter would make when the ice started to crack under her feet. It was far more worrying than any previous demon encounter she had…

Cassia gasped as she realized what this demon was. Fear.

The demon meanwhile seemed to have latched on to her thoughts. “Ah, I wish that we could have had such a personal meeting in the flesh,” he purred, and Cassia felt the hairs on her neck stand up.

“If you can see into my mind, my thoughts, you should know that that didn’t end well for the last demon,” she said, sounding much braver than she felt.

“Our encounter would go very differently,” the demon’s voice came from above all of a sudden. Cassia looked up, but as with the rest of her surroundings, there was only darkness greeting her.

The demon chuckled in delight. “You dream about it… Pitiful! A secret, shameful desire, hidden in the very back of your mind. And at the same time, it is your greatest fear.”

Cassia clenched her teeth, not deigning the demon an answer as she realized that he most likely knew everything that had happened in the caves below Hightown. It did not deter him in the least.

“Always this thought in the back of your mind...  _ ‘what if’ _ ...” The trail of cold went over her shoulders, causing her to gasp quietly. She nearly flinched when his voice was suddenly right next to her.

“ _ What if  _ he grants you what you so desperately try not to want? What if he takes all your magic from you? Everything you hate about yourself  — suddenly gone. The thing you most desire and yet fear like nothing else.” There was something gleeful in his voice, sounding almost sweet. Like poisonous honey slowly dripping from every word whispered into her ear. “ _ What if, _ ” he continued, “after all the magic is gone, the hate is still there?” 

Cassia wanted nothing more than to shake his voice off, to get away and out of his reach, but she was unable to move, unable to even whimper as he continued.

“ _ What if _ it’s not the magic at all that makes you feel like you do, hm?” The cold trails on her skin felt more and more solid, like fingertips following the dips and creases up her body. “ _ What if _ all that is left to hate is you?” 

Something closed around her throat as Cassia shook her head with all her might, straining against the sudden pressure that made it hard for her to breathe.

“No!” she breathed out, her own voice barely a whisper, cut off by the icy grip on her neck. 

“Then you would have no choice but to see. To accept what everyone around you already knows…” The rumble of deep satisfaction she could hear in his voice crawled underneath her skin, making every hair stand on edge. “Everyone would know that it was never the magic that was wrong. That it had been you all the time.”

A spark went through her, and this time, it was enough to enable her to move. To struggle against the incorporeal hold around her. The icy fingers around her throat let up, and Cassia felt almost lightheaded for a moment as the air rushed back into her lungs. 

“You are wrong,” she breathed out in between harsh breaths. “My friends care about me. They don’t…”

Laughter interrupted her. Pure, unbridled laughter.

“Your friends? Please… I have been in this city for as long as you have. I have visited them all. Seen their dreams, their fears, and all their little secrets.” His voice was back to being an almost toneless whisper in her ear. “Do you want to know what they really think about you?”

“What for?” Cassia spat. “You are lying now, and you will just keep lying with every word…” She sounded braver than she felt as the hold on her became more solid again. What she perceived as fingertips before now felt like fully solid hands. More than two. Running over her, drawing her back until she was pressed against something solid. Warm and cold at the same time, holding her firmly in a grotesque mockery of an embrace.

“It doesn’t even matter if I am telling the truth or if I am lying to you.” This time, the demon’s voice was so much more than before. Cassia’s eyes widened in terror as she realized that she could feel something akin to a warm breath against her ear. 

“Truth, lies… A part of you will believe what I say, no matter what. That is the beauty of this.”

Before she could protest again, a hand closed over her mouth, keeping her from making a sound.

“Shh. I am helping you after all. You need to know these things if you want to make informed decisions. Things like why your mother is always so much more indulgent of you than of your sister. You always wondered, right?”

Cassia was motionless against the strange form holding her, willing herself not to agree. But the demon didn’t seem to expect an answer either way.

“I’ll tell you why. Because from the moment you got your magic, she knew. She knew you would never aspire to anything. But Adriene? Adriene still has a chance to make something out of herself. That’s why your mother is so much harder on her. She disappoints her, but there is still hope, and so she pushes and pushes… With you, on the other hand? She has long given up being disappointed in you.” She could feel his warm breath in bursts, punctuating every single word with a finality that buried itself straight into Cassia’s heart. 

“You. Weren’t. Worth. It.” 

With a start, Cassia sat up in her bed, breathing heavily. She was alone in her bedroom, the other side of her bed cold and empty. Another nightshift for Cullen, she knew. For a moment, she was glad that he wasn’t there. That he didn’t see her like this as she realized her face was wet with tears. 

It was just a dream. However real that demon was in the Fade, he could do nothing to hurt her here. Somehow, the usual things she told herself after a nightmare didn’t seem as soothing. Too vivid had the dream been. Too… true had some things felt.

Something inside Cassia had wanted to scream at the demon, right before she woke up. About how wrong he was. How ridiculous this all sounded. But the tiniest part of her pulled her blankets closer around her, felt like shrinking into herself as she quietly sobbed over the thought that it would make so much more sense. That it would explain her mother’s way more than anything else ever did.

This wasn’t what she was supposed to do. She was supposed to shake these thoughts off and pay them no mind. But in the middle of the night, alone in an empty bedroom, Cassia found herself incapable of doing anything but give in to these thoughts, of crying and worrying until the first light came up and forcefully chased the darkness out of her bedroom. For now.

It wasn’t the first night she had woken up like this. And it wasn’t the last.

The following nights proved to be just as bad. Ever since her encounter with the desire demon, her nights had been restless, her dreams plagued by nightmares and demons alike. Showing her over and over again how she tried to kill the demon wearing Cullen’s face. How his eyes had looked at her while the demon’s claws buried itself into her shoulder. Every night, it was a slightly different scenario, but the guilt and shame she had felt ever since went through all of them like a common thread. In most of them, Cassia woke up alone with Cullen spending more time in the Gallows than ever before. Now that he had convinced the Knight-Commander that he had been working on some secret long-term plan to dismantle the mage underground, he had every reason he needed to be around and subtly interfere with Ser Oswald’s doing without attracting further scrutiny. 

Tonight he was home, though. Cassia managed to get up quietly, taking care not to wake Cullen as she went into the kitchen to get herself a glass of water. With every sip, she slowly felt her heart calm down, inwardly getting ready for another mostly sleepless night as her gaze fell onto the chest with her potion supplies in the corner.

Her first instinct was to look away. The idea forming in her head was a bad one, she was sure of it. Better not to entertain it even for a moment, she thought as she put the glass down and shuffled back into bed.

An hour and another horrific dream later found her back in the same spot, her hand hovering over the lid. Her Magebane concoction had worked. The connection to her magic had been gone seconds after she had swallowed it. Anders’ curses about her recklessness were on the back of her mind. His warnings about the danger. But that had been an extreme situation. Until the templars had hit her with a Smite, she had been fine after all. She opened the chest and took out one of the vials. When she opened the lid, the smell brought back her memories of the fear she had felt right before taking it. Just after she had pushed Maia into Fenris’ arms and told him to run. She shook her head, trying to get rid of the remnants of her memories. This was different. And she wouldn’t take nearly as much as she did back then. Just… enough. Enough so she could sleep. So she could function again in the morning.

Before she could go over the arguments in her head again she took heart and swallowed down a third of the vial’s content. 

Almost immediately, she felt herself calm down. Her magic, the ever-present humming in the back of her mind that was sometimes ever so distracting, slipped away from her until all that remained was a dull sensation, like trying to hear something with her head being underwater. 

Cassia let out a sigh of relief. She had been right. This would help!

Quickly, she stored the rest of it away in its place before hurrying back to bed. The morning found her more relaxed than she had been in a week, and Cassia found that the relief about not dreaming for once far outweighed any lingering worries she had. The next night, there was no doubt in her when she hurried into the kitchen after another seemingly endless nightmare. When she opened the vial again, the smell seemed only half as bad as the night before. 

For a moment, she wondered if it would make sense to take a larger dose right before she went to sleep. A full night of uninterrupted sleep without nightmares, without her magic going off in the middle of the night sounded like a dream. One of the good ones. She could see Anders’ disapproving face in her mind as if he was right in front of her. No. She put the almost empty vial back into the chest. There was no reason to try her luck. No matter how alluring the thought might be. She pushed the thought away again, reminding herself that she had no business thinking like that. That she shouldn’t dream of such things. Not even in secret. This was working, and it would have to be enough.

The next day, after distracting herself as much as possible with caring for Maia and doing her usual errands, Cassia decided she needed a change of scenery. It didn’t take much to convince her mother to take care of her daughter for an hour or two, and in the early afternoon, Cassia found herself stepping into the Chantry.

She hadn’t been in here for quite a while, she realized. Looking around, she felt out of place, no feeling of instant security, nothing of the usual belonging and reassurance she had once been so used to. Before she could decide what to do, a familiar voice stirred her from her thoughts.

“Cassia. What brings you here?”

Sebastian. She shouldn’t be surprised to find him of all people here. When he wasn’t away on trips with her or Adriene, this was where one could find him almost every time.

“A few restless nights. I thought I could use some reprieve,” she answered honestly. But now that he was right in front of her, she might as well check up on how he was doing. She had planned to do this anyway, ever since that fateful mission a few days back. “It is good to see you though, how are you holding up?”

Sebastian smiled at her, his eyes full of warmth.

“Thank you, my friend. I am doing surprisingly well, given what an… ‘experience’ our last adventure was.”

Cassia chuckled quietly. “That is certainly one way of describing it.” When she looked closer at him, she noticed the tired look around his eyes. “You know you don’t have to pretend with me, right? I was there, after all, I can probably understand…”

Sebastian’s shoulders slumped just a bit, a minuscule movement that nonetheless underlined his look of wariness, making it even more obvious that he wasn’t as fine as he had tried to pretend.

“I had hoped prayer might cleanse me of the desire demon's touch, but I still hear her voice so clearly,” he said quietly. “I feel like I’ve bathed in filth that will never come off.”

“I know the feeling,” Cassia mumbled, careful to not let her voice carry through the Chantry. There weren’t many people around, but the few that were had no business overhearing them. 

“Would you care to accompany me on a walk through the Chantry gardens? They are wonderfully quiet this time of the day,” he suddenly suggested, offering her his arm. A chance to speak freely without someone overhearing them? Cassia hadn’t come to the Chantry in search of conversation, but perhaps this would do them both good. With a nod and a smile, she took his offered arm and followed him outside.

“You know you did nothing wrong when we were down there, right?” she started as soon as she was sure they were alone in the gardens. “You didn’t let yourself be swayed even a little bit. Not even when the demon changed shapes.” It hadn’t been a complete surprise to her when the desire demon took the form of her little sister. Neither Sebastian nor Bethany had ever said anything outright, but everyone in their circle of friends had their suspicions. What had surprised her though, was just how unflinching he had stood against the demon, even when it had worn her sister’s face.

“I have to say I admire the composure you managed to keep. As you may have noticed, I fared noticeably worse when confronted with the face of a loved one,” she added quietly. Cassia had tried not to dwell on what had happened, but the fact that it had taken her far too long to take action against a demon, that she had felt almost paralyzed for a while, weighed heavily on her.

Sebastian looked ahead, obviously trying to hide the faint blush on his cheeks. “What the demon offered me and what form it took… they had little to do with each other,” he explained. “It offered me power, a throne, and riches… all things that were part of a very different life than the one I am leading now. The one that has your sister in it.”

What he was saying made some sense to her, and Cassia nodded. “So you were not even a little bit tempted?”

Sebastian let out a deep sigh. “Oh, I was. The demon didn’t lie. I used to be bitterly jealous of my brother. I _ wanted  _ to be prince…” He shook his head. “Part of me still wants to. But now, everything he had is mine and he lies in ashes, and I keep asking myself, do I want this because it is right or simply to finally have what I never thought I could?”

Cassia didn’t immediately answer. He had told her about his situation before. How his parents wanted an heir, a spare, and how it had left him, the third-born son, out in the cold. How he had been placed in the Chantry against his will to avoid competition, and how he had managed to make the best out of it by finding a purpose for himself. Something that had taken him years to accomplish. She could only imagine just how much these new developments must have thrown him for a loop. Put into question every long term plan he had for his life.

“Would it be so wrong if the answer was a little bit of both?” she finally asked. 

Sebastian stopped walking, turning his head to look at her. “How do you mean?”

Cassia looked past his inquisitive gaze to a spot behind him. “Let’s assume the less flattering option is true, and part of you wants this because you never thought you would have it,” she started slowly, trying to find just the right words to get across what she meant. “That doesn’t mean that is not the right thing to do. You are a kind and caring person, and if your city needs someone to lead, you might very well be the right choice, regardless of whatever personal motivations might also spur you on.”

For a while, Sebastian didn’t say a word. She could see he was contemplating what she had said, and with a slight nudge from Cassia, they resumed their walk through the Chantry gardens, in silence for now. It took a few moments before Sebastian spoke again.

“Perhaps you have a point. Just because I feel like I shouldn’t want something does not mean that it might not very well be the right choice to make.”

Cassia only nodded, trying not to let her mind wander back to her own problems for the moment. The way Sebastian had just phrased her own thoughts back at her felt somehow like it was hitting far too close to home.

“The way I see it, you have to ask yourself a very important question first,” she said, her mind firmly set on ignoring her own turmoil and helping her friend sort through his instead. “What is it that you want for yourself? In the future, I mean?” When he didn’t immediately answer, Cassia elaborated, “I know you saw yourself as being set in the Chantry for the longest time. Do you still want that? Or do you see yourself having someone with you in your life, in a way that is not really compatible with your Chantry plans?” Those last words were said with a knowing smile on her face as she thought of her sister. “And if that is the case, can a compromise be found? Or might a more worldly future be the better option then?”

Sebastian let out a deep breath. “All very good questions,” he agreed. “All I know at the moment is that I cannot make a final decision with this much doubt in my heart.” The slight flush was back on his cheeks as he looked at Cassia. “Nor do I have any idea whether some of these thoughts are even a valid option.”

At his careful wording, Cassia couldn’t help but chuckle. “Alright, your delicate noble or Chantry sensibilities aside for now, let’s talk plainly. You obviously have feelings for Bethany, and from the amount of letters you two write to each other, I am assuming they are reciprocated.”

At his surprised look, she only shrugged. “Varric has a very good overview of all the correspondence leaving and arriving in Kirkwall,” she added as explanation, and Sebastian shook his head.

“Why does that not surprise me…”

“Because you’ve seen him play cards, I assume,” Cassia grinned. “So, have you talked to Beth about any of this?”

“Only in the broadest sense,” he admitted. “There is only so much you can get across in writing, and her visits to Kirkwall have been very few and far between.”

Cassia could see how that would hamper a long-overdue conversation about the future for either one of them. And if they were in such regular contact, Sebastian was no doubt aware of the fact that Bethany had basically settled down in Amaranthine with no immediate plans to return to Kirkwall permanently.

“Is there anything that is keeping you from traveling?” she voiced the sudden thought going through her head.

“You mean…”

“Yes, I mean pack a bag and visit Ferelden,” Cassia said, a wide smile on her face. “They even have a Chantry in the Keep Beth is staying in. And I know from my brother that there aren’t many volunteers in the clergy to be stationed in a keep full of Grey Wardens. If you want a not that flimsy excuse I mean, not that you need one in my opinion.”

She could see he was considering her idea, but something in him was still hesitant. “Would that not seem overly forward?” he finally asked. Cassia shrugged.

“I’m not saying move to Ferelden tomorrow. But go for a visit, stay for a few weeks. Spend some time together. That way you can actually talk and maybe figure out some things that might be relevant for your long term future planning.”

They had just finished another round through the gardens when Sebastian tentatively nodded. 

“That… sounds like a plan. And something I could, no, I  _ should _ probably do.” He still looked tired, but when he took her hand to place a kiss of courtesy on it, his eyes looked so much more lively than before. Cassia was relieved to see it. The weariness from early was all but gone from his face. 

“You know, if this goes the way I think it might be going, you are going to have to dispense of all this formality because there is no way I am going to let a future brother-in-law do this instead of simply hugging him, you know?” Cassia smiled at him. 

“That would still be a breach of protocol though,” he pointed out, the spark of humor in Sebastian’s eyes making her already broad grin even wider.

“You better get used to that. You think I am breaching protocol, you should see Adriene and Carver during family events!”

That got Sebastian to actually laugh out loud. “I shall try my best to learn your ways then,” he said happily, “that is, if things go a certain way, of course.”

At those words, she couldn’t help but give his arm a quick squeeze. “Whatever happens, you are part of our little, weirdly messed-up Kirkwall family regardless! No matter what you and my sister decide, separately or together.”

His laughter had died down, and instead, there was something deeply grateful in his eyes. 

“Thank you, Cassia,” he said, his voice wavering slightly before he caught himself. “You are a good friend, and I will remember that.”

With another squeeze and a smile, Cassia took her arm back. “I shall leave you to your duties, I’ve taken up enough of your time.”

Sebastian nodded as they went towards the back entrance of the Chantry. “I don’t want to keep you from whatever you actually came to the Chantry for any longer as well,” he said, sounding almost apologetic all of a sudden, and Cassia shook her head.

“You didn’t! I think I might just go home again. This talk has given me something to think about as well, so thank you for that.”

And with a friendly goodbye, she made her way home, the words that had gnawed on her earlier circling around in the back of her head.

\---

The thoughts were still running through her head that night when she found herself in the by now nearly familiar-feeling darkness again. The demon didn’t even try to give her the illusion of not being asleep anymore. As soon as she started dreaming, he was upon her.

“We talked about your mother already,” he started right away, not paying any attention to her attempts of struggling. He was so close again, seemingly oblivious to her futile attempts. “Perhaps you want to know about your dear sister. Putting her life on hold again and again to look after you. And even when she tries to distance herself from you, you always draw her back in. The poor girl!”

_ Lies!  _

Cassia kept repeating that one word inside her head like a mantra. The demon was lying. Trying to shake her like he had the nights before. Twist her every thought into the worst version of itself.

“Or we could talk about your friends.”

The demon sounded almost a little bored. “Like the dwarf who seems to like both you and your sister quite a bit, doesn’t he? I wonder whom he would choose if he had to. Who he has more in common with. Who is more useful to him…” Suddenly, his voice got more intense. More calculating than before.

“You really want to know about your closest friends though, don’t you? The elf and the mage…” Cassia wondered briefly if it was possible to see the cruelty of a smile through sound alone as the demon continued. “You hate yourself so much that you even pick your best friends from among those who are most likely to share your opinion of yourself. Anyone ever told you that you obviously like punishing yourself?”

At her renewed struggle, he chuckled. “You can’t wait to scream at me how I am lying, can’t you? You want to rip me apart for all the slander, but I am only telling you what I can see plain as day.” There was a slight edge to the demon’s voice, each of his words cutting into her soul with razor-sharp strikes. “They are, each in their own way, your best friends. One whose most cherished thoughts about you are about how much you agree with him that magic is the root of all evil. And another one who thinks your best quality is that sometimes, under the right circumstances, you can sound like someone else…” 

Cassia felt the words like a punch to the stomach. As much as she tried to stay unaffected, tried to simply ignore the demon, she couldn’t hide just how deeply the words affected her. 

“Do you think they would still be there for you if they knew just how weak you are? If they could see just what goes on in your pretty head?”

When Cassia couldn’t suppress a shiver, the demon laughed. “Oh, but you are terrified by the thought of them turning their back on you. Any of them. Your family, your friends…”

“Aren’t you getting bored by now?” Cassia managed to say with a bravado she didn’t truly feel. “Everyone is somewhat afraid of that, I am hardly special…”

“And yet you are,” the demon whispered into her ear. “You fear so many things… but others you don’t fear nearly enough. You know what I am talking about.”

The bright red flames of the templar insignia burned in front of her, close enough that Cassia could feel the heat of the flames on her skin. Just like she could feel a hot breath on her face as the demon spoke again.

“The powers of a templar are something mages fear with good cause. One fear you seem to utterly lack.” As if through a heavy fog, Cassia could make out something behind the burning symbol. A view of her bedroom, Cullen lying next to her, an arm wrapped around her. 

“He is right there, sleeping next to you in your shared bedroom,” the demon hissed. “Yet the fact that he could rip your magic from you with barely more than a thought doesn’t scare you at all. On the contrary…”

Cassia shook her head, refusing to let herself be drawn in by the demon’s insinuations. “I trust him,” she insisted.

The demon laughed again, and she could feel each chuckle on her skin. “Yes, you do. You trust. And yet… part of you hopes. Quietly. And in secret.”

The words itself felt like tiny flames burning her as Cassia ground her teeth. 

“I refuse to listen to this.”

The demon simply went on like he hadn’t heard her. “You want to know what it feels like,” he said, his voice sounding downright cruel. “Without the Magebane to dull your senses. You want to see the look in his eyes when he draws the magic out of you. Want to know if he would enjoy it. If  _ you _ would…”

“Shut up!” Cassia roared, throwing all her effort into ripping herself from the demon’s hold, but it was still futile. 

“He is stronger than you, but you have magic, so you balance each other out. And you desperately want to tip that scale…” The demon was laughing again. “I wonder how much it would take for you to provoke him into snapping.”

The thought alone made Cassia feel nauseous. “Cullen would never hurt me!”

“Not even to protect  _ her _ ?”

He didn’t even have to use her name for Cassia to know exactly what he meant.

“If you dare and hurt my child…” she started, anger rising up in her.

“Oh, I would never,” he said, sounding patronizing all of a sudden. “Couldn’t if I wanted to. I am in the Fade, after all.” His voice turned sharper again. “No. If your family gets hurt, it will not be because of me. It will be your doing in the end. Your lack of control.”

“I could never…” Cassia started only to be cut off again.

“You’re barely holding yourself together as it is. I doubt I have to work you up for very long. I can be here every night after all, and you can’t avoid me.” The gleeful words only infuriated her even more. “Sure, you can try, for a while at least, but at some point, you will sleep, and I will be there. And it will only be a matter of time until you will crack.” 

By now, Cassia felt her struggles wane. It was of no use. With every word the demon spoke, the cold grip on her felt a little tighter than before. The air felt fuller, and it became harder to ignore the bone-chilling fear that crept through her.

“What do you think your templar is going to do when you finally lose it, and your magic becomes a danger to your child?” the demon continued relentlessly. “You think he will hesitate?”

In front of her, she could still see Cullen sleeping peacefully beside her. Somehow, the calm image only amplified her terror. 

“He has so much faith in you. Just imagine the look in his eyes when he realizes it was all for naught. That all he has ever been taught about magic had been spot on. That you cannot be trusted. That you are a danger to him and your daughter alike…” The demon’s voice had become little more than a whisper in her ear again, and Cassia felt herself starting to shake. “Oh, I can already hear the sound of his heart breaking when you turn on them.”

“I won’t!” Her own voice sounded pathetic, all shaken up and breaking. “I will never! You can prey upon all my fears as much as you want, but you can’t make me  _ do _ anything!”

“Oh, that is where you are wrong, little mage.” The quiet laugh from the demon was more unsettling than anything he had done before. “You’ve been trying to control your magic for years, and it only ever got worse. I can’t physically make you do anything, but I can take your mind to places that will, sooner or later, break you apart. Make you beg for relief by any means necessary.”

Something closed around her throat, slowly pressing down until all she could do was struggle against the overwhelming feeling of being suffocated.

“And I can promise you, I will do exactly that,” he said as Cassia’s eyes fell shut, and she felt her body going limp. “And there is nothing at all you can do about it.”

When Cassia opened her eyes again, she could see. The first rays of light slowly crept into her bedroom. Cullen’s arm was around her, just like she had seen in the Fade. Judging from his slow breaths, he was still deeply asleep, and Cassia tried her best to keep her own breathing calm. Despite being awake by now, she could feel the panic that had run through her still lingering. Her eyes were wet with tears again, and every bit of her body felt tense as if it was ready to fight at any second. 

_ ‘I can promise you, I will do exactly that.’ _

The demon’s words echoed through her head. _ ‘And there is nothing at all you can do about it.’ _

Her mind went back to the chest in her kitchen. And to her talk with Sebastian the day before. How had he phrased her own thoughts? Just because she felt like she shouldn’t want something, it didn’t mean that it might not be the right choice to make… She knew about the risks. About what her friends would say. And yet all those deterrents paled in comparison with the very clear threat she had just gotten in the Fade. She had to make sure that the demon could never make good on it. She had to protect her family. 

_ ‘Whatever is necessary.’ _

And if that necessity would also take care of her magic, even if it was something that she knew she shouldn’t want as badly as she did, well, that didn’t mean that it wasn’t the right choice in the end. Wasn’t the only choice she could make.


	6. Heart Of Sorrow, Heart Of Hope

Sometime during the last few weeks, the world had started to lose its colors.

Not literally, of course, Adriene could still see the dark reds and dirty browns of Kirkwall, the blue and green of the sea, and the gleaming of the gold she earned. But where the colors used to elicit some reaction inside her, she now felt barely a shadow of emotion. It was as if a grey fog had settled over her, distancing her from the world around her. It had started barely noticeably, with a grey afternoon or day. She had put it on the arrest and its consequences and barely paid any attention to it. But then it had gotten worse, and one day started to become days. Days became weeks.

Eventually, she stopped dreaming.

Sometimes, she was reminded of the way the demon in the caves beneath the Harimann Estate had made her feel, her body moving sluggishly through air that seemed too thick and heavy. At first, Adriene thought it was the immense guilt that weighed on her when she thought of what she had put Fenris through when she had lost all inhibition and just given in to the longing he still invoked in her. But even after he had told her in all sincerity that he knew that she had not been herself and that he didn’t blame her, the grey fog grew thicker and thicker.

And by now, it was near permanent. And as a week without dreams went by, then a month, she found it harder and harder to keep the mask on. Pretending to be emotionally engaged one night and in an emotional overflow the next was exhausting. And even though the lack of dreams meant that she didn’t mind sleeping alone so much, those dreamless nights never brought quite the rest she had hoped they would. 

Some days, she felt nearly fine, her emotions on the cusp of her fingertips, ready to burst through her with increased intensity, and on those days, she threw herself into everything she could find — company, fights, laughter, evenings in the Hanged Man or the Blooming Rose. But without fail, after a short while, something seemed to just push the world out of reach, and no matter what she did to chase after the emotions or to break through that fog, she felt… empty. There was still mild amusement or annoyance, and every once in a while, she woke late in the morning with some nightmarish pictures still dancing behind her eyes. But while she could still feel lust, or pain, or the haze of being drunk, it seemed to hold no meaning. 

Adriene tried to punch through it anyway. She knew how to uphold a facade, after all. And so she still laughed when appropriate, reacted to Isabela’s flirts and came home with a bloody nose from her missions; and if she was a bit more snappy than normal, nobody seemed to notice.

More and more often, though, she sought solitude, keeping busy with answering letters or doing minor jobs that she could do by herself. Her mother had already admonished her a few times for being too self-absorbed when she had rather stayed out of sight or only lurked in a corner instead of engaging in one of Leandra’s social events.

Today, Adriene had fled home before the guests arrived. For a moment, she thought about going to visit Cassia, but she knew that it was Cullen’s night off, and she didn’t want to impose on their rare time alone. She didn’t feel up to the loud cheerfulness of the Hanged Man or the inherent pretending in the Blooming Rose either. In the end, she opted for the harbor. Down at the docks, nobody would disturb her while she watched the waves and got drunk. The rhythmic sloshing of the water was calming, making it easy to just not think for a few blessed hours. Alone at the docks, nobody expected her to pretend to be cheerful or take care of some thing or another. 

A comfortable haze settled over her as she lost herself in the first bottle of wine, watching the last flickers of red and pink from the sinking sun dancing on the waves in the harbor. The seagulls had already retired to their nests, and the last bit of color on the sky was quickly swallowed up by the falling darkness.

Isabela found her looking out across the waves with a strangely blank expression on her face. Her dark hair was out of her usual ponytail, falling in a disheveled mess down her back, a trickle of wine in the corner of her lips that she wiped away, seemingly without really noticing it.

“Adriene?” she asked in surprise, approaching her slowly.

“Hey Bela,” Adriene answered without looking at her, her voice void of emotions.

“What are you doing, seagull?” Isabela asked cheerfully as she sat down next to Adriene, close enough for their shoulders to touch. “Having a party all by yourself? I’m disappointed I wasn’t invited.”

She smiled at her, but Adriene just shrugged, mumbling an unconvincing “Sorry”, and took another swig from her bottle. Somehow, she seemed to immediately forget again that Isabela was there. The quiet sloshing of the wine inside the bottle and the splashing of the waves against the pillars of the pier were the only sounds in the vicinity.

Isabela frowned. “What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing,” Adriene muttered with a sigh, rubbing a hand over her eyes before she gave Isabela a completely unconvincing smile. “See? Just enjoying some quiet. My mother has guests.” She looked back over the dark waters of the harbor, and the smile disappeared as quickly as it had come, leaving her again with that strange, blank expression.

Bela narrowed her eyes at her friend, worry rising inside her. She had never seen Adriene like this — and she had been at her side during some of her lowest moments, when she was grieving for her supposedly dead siblings, after losing Fenris, after the ordeal in the Gallows. But then, she had always been full of emotions, even if she had tried to hide it. There had always been something; a wavering smile, a tremble in her lips, tears, hands balled into fists… something. But now, she looked as if every bit of her personality had seeped out of her, leaving just this shell-like exterior.

It scared her. 

"Adriene," she tried again. "What is it?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"No, you're not fine," Bela insisted, nudging her softly. She felt helpless, watching as Adriene just took yet another swig from the bottle. "Please talk to me?"

A stubborn silence was her only answer, and she frowned, unsure whether she should be annoyed or worried.

"Adri—“ she started again, but Adriene interrupted her immediately, snapping angrily, "Oh, just leave me alone, alright?"

Normally, Isabela’s first instinct would have been to snap back and go, but at that moment, the only thing she felt was relief. That was how she knew Hawke, impulsive and emotional, and her anger was better than that emotionless mask she wore. It slid back on immediately, however, and she saw with growing worry how Adriene tossed the now-empty wine bottle to the side where it shattered against a wall. Then, she took out another one from the bag lying next to her, pulling out the cork with her teeth and spitting it into the water where it disappeared with a little splash in the waves.

For a moment, Isabela just watched her drink, at a loss of what to do. She couldn't make Adriene talk to her if she didn't want to, but she would be damned if she let her alone like this. Wordlessly, Bela extended a hand, and equally wordlessly, Adriene handed her the bottle so she could take a gulp as well. For a while, they just drank together, silently keeping each other company while the night fell over Kirkwall and the lanterns were lit, causing lonely lights to dance across the water.

“There’s something wrong with me,” Adriene whispered out of the blue, and Isabela looked at her. She was staring at the bottle in her hands, slowly swirling the wine inside around.

Isabela scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous, Hawke. I’ve seen — and tasted — every inch of you, and believe me, there’s nothing wrong with you.” Again, she nudged her, giving her a smile that she knew would cause Adriene’s eyes to light up. But the only response she got was a weak echo of a smile that vanished too quickly. 

“Yes, there is,” Adriene murmured.

“Probably not enough wine if you ask me,” Isabela tried again to cheer her up, but this time, not even a weak smile made it onto Adriene’s face. By now, Isabela was seriously worried, and a cold knot was in her stomach. “Seagull…” she started, but Adriene interrupted her.

“I don’t dream. And even I know that that’s not normal.” There was a faraway note to her voice, and she stared out into the waters. “I mean, I used to dream, but that’s… it stopped. After that demon. You know, the desire demon that had me nearly jump Fenris against his will. That made me kill him.” She paused, then continued a bit more quietly, “Maybe that demon got into me after all.”

Isabela stared at her. She knew about what had happened in those caves, but from what everyone had told her, the demon Adriene talked of was dead. And she had not been the only one in its clutches, its influence had been felt by everyone in that mansion. Isabela was still half relieved, half disappointed that she hadn’t been there. She couldn’t deny a certain curiosity about what she had heard from them all… and at the same time, despite all curiosity, she was only too glad that no demonic influence had made her give something away that she’d rather keep hidden. But no matter what the demon had made them all do, she knew for a fact that it had been slain. Sebastian had even sent the templars to make sure that nothing demonic or magical was left behind. So what in the Void was happening to Adriene? Suddenly, she was scared.

“What are you talking about? You didn’t kill Fenris,” she said.

“It felt like it,” Adriene whispered in a broken voice, still staring out into the night. “It looked like him. It looked at me like he does. It _felt_ like I killed him. And normal people don’t do that, do they?” Adriene tilted her head. “Do you think I’m an abomination and don’t even know it?”

“Stop it, Adriene!” Isabela said, not quite as firm as she wanted to. “Seriously, stop it. This is ridiculous, of course you’re not an abomination!”

Adriene turned to look at her fully for the first time, and Bela was struck by the flicker of disbelief and hope on her face. “How do you know that?”

Bela hesitated for a second, then she resolutely took the bottle from Adriene’s hands and put it away, ignoring her little sound of protest. “Seagull, your brother-in-law is the Knight-Captain. Do you honestly think that he wouldn’t notice? Do you honestly think that Anders, that Justice wouldn’t notice if there was a demon hiding inside you? Or Merrill? Cassia?!” She took her hands into hers, pressing them tightly. “You’re not an abomination, Adriene.”

For a moment, Adriene just looked at her, the empty mask finally replaced by some emotion. Doubt and relief battled in her eyes, as she said, “Then what is wrong with me?”

Isabela shrugged somewhat helplessly. “Everybody forgets their dreams sometimes.”

Adriene shook her head. “No. It’s more than that. I go to bed, I close my eyes, I open my eyes, and it’s morning. There is just… nothing in between.” She looked down onto her hands, tightening her grip around Isabela’s fingers. “And during the day… every day seems more grey than the next. It’s as if something has attached itself to me and draws every bit of color and feeling out of me.” She shook her head, and a hint of desperation was in her voice as she said, “I laughed it off, I ignored it, I drowned it, I distracted myself, I am keeping myself busy. I’m taking care of everything — but nothing works! One minute, I’m exhausted or angry or even having fun, then it just… bleeds out of me. And I’m left empty. As if a veil is between me and the world.” Her voice got very quiet. “Sometimes I wish it _was_ a demon, then I could make it manifest before me and kill it for good this time.”

“You just need to—“

“Do what, Bela? It’s not like anything I do makes a difference!” Adriene exclaimed, her eyes shimmering. “I kept us afloat while the expedition was in the Deep Roads, and they all still died. I took care of the funeral and made sure everything was observed, and Carver still got the Taint. I dealt with the paperwork for buying back the old mansion for mom with what they brought back from the Deep Roads, tried to keep us all safe, and Cassia still fell in love with a templar. I helped Fenris, and he still left me.” For a second, grief so profound that Isabela felt her heart clench crossed Adriene’s face. It was close to a year now since Fenris and Adriene had spent that night with each other, and seeing them both still so raw so often was heartbreaking. She just wished she could help them in some way… but that was something they had to work through by themselves. But Adriene didn’t wait for an answer. “I made deals and compromises with Cullen, and Cassia was still captured, tortured. Nothing I do seems to—“

Before she could continue, Isabela interrupted her. “Ugh, this tendency you Hawkes have to take responsibility for everything bad that happens — it’s so infuriating! As if every single misfortune in this world is your fault! It’s ridiculous!” 

“I don’t—” Adriene started, but Isabela interrupted her again.

“Of course you do. Did you just listen to yourself?” She sighed, putting both hands on her face and laying her forehead against Adriene’s. “Of course you make a difference, you daft sea cucumber,” she said firmly, running her thumb across Adriene’s cheek in a tender caress. “Everything you do makes a difference. Cassia and Bethany are both still free, don’t you forget that. So are Merrill and Anders. Cassia has the life she always wished for, or at least close to it. Bethany seems happy where she is, too. Your mother has the life she wanted, back in her home.” Adriene blinked quickly, and Isabela pulled her into a tight embrace as she realized that she was close to crying. Her arms tightened as she felt a tremor run through Adriene. “The Hanged Man has improved since you got involved, Sebastian has closure, even our uptight guard captain Aveline is happy. Fenris… That was not your fault, and you know it.” _And_ _I’m still here,_ she thought but didn’t say it.

Instead, Adriene said it, after what felt like a lifetime of silence in which she had her face buried at Isabela’s shoulder, holding onto her as if her life depended on it. “And you’re here.”

Isabela swallowed, her eyes suddenly treacherously wet. “I am,” she eventually said.

For a long time, they just held each other. Isabela’s hand softly caressed Adriene’s back, and slowly, the breaths that had sounded suspiciously like barely suppressed sobs eased. One of the moons had risen, weaving silver threads through the black seawater when Adriene finally spoke again. 

Her voice was very soft and hesitant as she said, still cradled in Isabela’s arms, “I know I’ve promised I wouldn’t fall for you, Bela, but…”

“Shhh,” Isabela interrupted Adriene without thinking about it. Adriene tensed in her arms, but Bela didn’t let go. For a long, heavy moment, she struggled with the words, looking desperately into the night sky as if there was some kind of answer she could give that would not make everything worse. _Damn me, damn everything_ , Isabela thought. Oh how she wanted to believe that there was some sort of happiness possible for them, how she longed for it. But only yesterday, she had gotten a new lead on her relic. And as long as that was still on the horizon, she could not, _would_ not settle down. Not even for Adriene Hawke. She had a promise to herself to keep. A promise to never let anyone ever come between her and her freedom again. And the relic meant a ship and the open waters, the wind in her hair, and the taste of salt on her tongue.

She could not let that go.

Her hand caressed Adriene’s hair. “I can’t be who you need me to be, seagull,” she said softly, her heart clenching as she spoke.

She could feel a tremor running through Adriene, and closed her suspiciously burning eyes for a second.

“I understand,” Adriene whispered, carefully freeing herself from Isabela’s arms.

Isabela shook her head, only reluctantly letting go of her. “I’ll gladly be your distraction whenever you need me to be, but…”

“It’s fine,” Adriene said quickly, wiping her hair from her face as she looked over the dark water. “It’s fine.”

There was an unhappy silence between them, then Bela reached out to touch Adriene’s hand. 

“I’m still here. You don't have to do this alone,” she promised, and after a moment, Adriene sighed and squeezed her hand. She wouldn’t look up to meet Isabela’s eyes, but their fingers interlaced, and something of the weight on Bela’s heart lifted.

“Thank you,” Adriene said softly, “for reminding me.”

Isabela gave her a small smile. “Come on,” she said, pointing towards the road back to Lowtown. “I'll take you home.”

Immediately, Adriene shook her head. “No, I don’t want to go home. If Mom’s guests are still here and see me like this, they’d trashtalk me again. I mean, even more than usual,” she murmured.

Isabela frowned. “Come on, as if you have to care about that. You’re taking care of basically every single problem of theirs, up to finding left socks, why—”

“Because Mom cares,” Adriene interrupted, and Isabela closed her mouth again. “She works hard for our reputation. She would mind very much if I turn up drunk.”

For a moment, they were quiet. “I can douse you,” Bela grinned then, nodding towards the black harbor waters. “Nothing better to sober you up than seawater, believe me.”

A faint smile came onto Adriene’s face, and something in Isabela eased as she saw it.

“Thanks, I’ll pass,” Adriene said. “I’m not _that_ drunk. And the harbor is filthy.”

Isabela laughed. “True. Alright, then we only have one option left to get you sober. Exercise.”

The smirk on her face turned suggestive as Adriene looked at her and raised an eyebrow. For a second, Isabela was badly tempted to just take Adriene back to her own room, if only to try and keep that sliver of emotion she could see on the other woman's face alive. But when she saw the hope in Adriene’s eyes, she quickly disposed of that thought, regret raising in her that she quickly pushed away again. Despite her declaration, Isabela knew that if she slept with her again today, it would only hurt Adriene. And she couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ do that.

So instead of inviting Adriene to go home with her, she asked with a well-practiced glint in her eyes, “What do you say to a visit to the Blooming Rose?”

For a moment, a shadow passed over Adriene’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it had come, and she smiled. “Honestly, that sounds perfect,” she said and let herself be pulled up.

Taking a deep breath of the cool night air, Adriene straightened, looking more like herself than she had all night. As they made their way towards the Blooming Rose, she joked and laughed as if the subdued, blank version of her that Isabela had found at the harbor had never existed. 

* * *

The next morning, Cassia sat in the living room of her old home, listening to her mother tell her all about the evening before. A cup of her favourite tea in her hand, she enjoyed the comfortable and familiar feeling of being in her former home. Even though she had not lived in the Amell residence for all that long, there was always something especially comforting about being here. The tea always tasted a bit better when her mother made it then when she did it herself. Small things, like the smell of her mother’s favourite perfume lingering in the air, that made Cassia feel at home every time. Adriene was nowhere to be seen yet, but the moment she asked Leandra about where she was, she could see her mother’s good mood falter.

“Probably still asleep,” Leandra huffed. “I don’t even know when she came home last night, because despite me telling her weeks in advance that we would be having guests, your sister of course wasn’t here...”

Cassia flinched slightly at the sharpness she could hear in her mother’s tone. Leandra hadn’t been tense at all only a moment ago, on the contrary. The evening had obviously been a success, and Leandra had sounded like she had enjoyed herself. Entertaining guests always came with a certain amount of pressure, but Cassia knew her mother, knew just how much she thrived under it. Just like she knew how much her sister very much didn’t.

“Mom,” she tried her best to sound calming as she tried to come up with an excuse, “She probably had a good reason for not being here. Something must have come up.”

It only drew an angry sigh from her mother. 

“She always does this. Every time! She…”

“...doesn’t do this to spite you, you know that, right?” Cassia interrupted her mother before her voice could get too loud.

“What?”

Leandra looked slightly stunned, obviously not quite following her, and Cassia put a hand on her forearm, trying to calm her mother down.

“I don’t know, sometimes it just feels like… every time Adriene does something you would do differently, you take it as a personal affront.” It was the easiest way she could describe that feeling she usually got when her mother was unnecessarily hard on Adriene.

Leandra looked stricken as the words sunk in. “I’m… am I really that bad?” she asked carefully, and Cassia shook her head.

“You’re not bad, Mom,” she assured her. “But you are so much harsher to her than you are to me sometimes, and she doesn’t deserve that.”

For a moment, Leandra just looked at her, obviously in deep thought before she spoke again, a hint of helplessness in her tone. “I know I lose my temper sometimes, but… your sister has this tendency of acting like she doesn’t care about anything, and it just drives me insane.”

“I know.” It was something Cassia could actually somewhat relate to. Though it didn’t irritate her nearly as much as it did their mother. “But you know she cares, so in the end, what does it matter if she acts like she doesn’t? You know it’s not true.” If she had learned anything from their past, it was that Adriene was a far better actor than most people would ever know. 

Leandra sounded thoughtful with her next words. “You think I am trying too hard to make her fit in?”

Cassia wondered briefly if this was the right time to talk about this. She hadn’t planned on bringing any of this up, not right now at least. But maybe she should. After all, the moments where her mother sounded genuinely open to talk about something didn’t come around all that often. Maybe she should seize the opportunity. 

“I think you are trying too hard to turn her into you,” she said carefully. As expected, Leandra looked instantly offended, ready to defend herself, but Cassia held up a hand in a calming gesture. “Look, you and Adriene are so very similar in so many things… You both are fiercely protective of your family, you both have a very short temper and are stubborn as a mule.” At that, her mother let out a snort, but she wasn’t disagreeing with her. It was something. Something Cassia decided to push just a little bit further with her next words. “And you both tend to snap at people unreasonably harshly if you feel even slightly threatened.”

This time, her mother didn’t let herself be stopped from talking. “You think I feel threatened by Adriene?” she asked, her voice a bit sharper than before, full of disbelief. “That is ridiculous!”

“Maybe threatened is the wrong word,” Cassia admitted. “But attacked? Yes, I do think that.” It was something that she had put quite a bit of thought into over the years, but if she wanted her mother to understand what she truly meant, she would have to phrase her thoughts just right. 

“I know you’ve worked hard to build this life for us. To make a name for us in Hightown, to get us influence and standing,” she started carefully. “You did so for years, and just look at what you’ve accomplished! It is honestly amazing!” Cassia had a genuine smile on her face as she looked at Leandra full of admiration before she continued, “But at the same time, Adriene has done the exact same thing.” She could see her mother’s eyes draw together in confusion. “Her work, her contacts, her unwavering desire to help people has done as much for our good name as you have,” she explained further. “But because she does it in a different way than you, you keep criticising her…”

Contrary to her expectations, Leandra didn’t immediately say anything. She seemed to mull over the words she had just heard until she finally let out a sigh.

“I just… I would want so much more for her, can’t you understand that?” A sad smile was on Leandra’s face. “Your sister is a beautiful young woman, she is strong, caring, and most of all, incredibly smart. And I feel like she is wasting it…”

Cassia’s eyebrows rose up. “Wasting it? Because she is not behaving like you?” She shook her head. “Mom, Adriene is, as you just said, a very smart woman. She knows where her strengths lie. From hard work and experience. You have so much in common, but some things are simply different, and she is using her strengths to help our family just as you are using yours.”

She could see in her mother’s eyes that she understood what Cassia meant. Maybe even accepted it. It was difficult to pinpoint for Cassia when her mother’s shoulders sank slightly, and she spoke with a hint of sadness in her voice, “It is not the way I tried to teach you two.”

All of a sudden, Cassia felt like she was finally seeing it, the missing piece of the puzzle that was the key to understanding just why her mother did what she did sometimes. “I know,” she said full of sympathy, “and because it isn’t, it sometimes feels like she is rejecting you and what you’ve taught us, doesn’t it?”

Leandra didn’t say anything, but the look in her eyes told Cassia that what she had just said had been spot on. She snuck an arm around her mother’s shoulder, not truly a hug but something close before she smiled at her again.

“Mom, look at it this way: Adriene has become such a capable woman not to a small part _because_ of what you taught us. And she has become smart enough to have a good estimate of her abilities and how to use them.” She squeezed her mother’s arm gently. “She makes her own path, but she can do so because of the tools you gave her. That is not rejection. That is honoring your hard work the best way she can!”

“I never…” Leandra started, only to trail off again. “This is not something I considered before,” she finally said, a bit more quietly than before. “Sometimes… your sister reminds me so much of your father.”

Leandra sounded almost absentmindedly, and Cassia looked at her mother with a questioning gaze.

“You sound like that is not an entirely good thing. Why?”

“Oh don’t give me that suspicious look,” Leandra chided with a shake of her head. “You know I loved your father dearly, and I never regretted the life we chose together. But that doesn’t mean everything was always perfect. Sometimes…” Leandra let out a deep sigh before looking at Cassia, a hint of old pain in her eyes. “Your father wasn’t the best when it came to talking about what was on his mind. He had his secrets and his moments of solitude, and I was fine with that. But every now and then, it could get too much.”

Cassia listened with undivided attention. This was not something her mother had ever spoken of before.

“He had these moments when he just became so… apathetic? Like nothing in the world really mattered anymore. He went away for bits at a time, sometimes out drinking, sometimes just to be alone somewhere. He always came back. And he always got better again. But…”

“But he kept leaving you…” Cassia said softly, and the small hitch in her mother’s breath made her understand just what Leandra tried to say. “He shut you out, and he didn’t let you help, and it felt like he was leaving you behind.” 

In her mother’s eyes, she saw the faint hint of tears before they were blinked away, a look of determination taking their place.

“Like I said, I didn’t love him any less, but some things were hard. And when I look at Adriene, all that she does, the way she has this look sometimes…” Leandra closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. “I see so much of Malcolm in her. In all the best ways! He cared so much. He was charming! Lovable, handsome, and most of all a truly kind soul. But I also see his not so good sides in her some days, the carelessness, the drinking, and it worries me!”

For a moment, Cassia didn’t know what to say. Some things about her father were not news to her. But the impact they had had on her mother was something she had never thought about. Not like this at least.

“Look at it this way,” Cassia said carefully, trying to focus on Adriene and how she could help her mother and her sister foremost for now, “In the end, isn’t what matters most not what someone does but the character they do it with? And whatever Adriene does that you don’t agree with, almost everything she does is to help people.” Not just since they arrived in Kirkwall, Cassia thought. It had been all their life, as far back as she could remember. “You have in Adriene an amazing daughter that is just like _you_ — she worries, tries to be helpful, and most of all, she is incredibly kind.” She couldn’t help but chuckle at her next thought. “I mean, people fall in love with her left and right, that’s how amazing she is. Isn’t that enough? It should be enough!” 

With relief, she realized that her mother chuckled along, the smile staying on her lips. For a while, they just sat together, letting Cassia’s words sink in. Leandra was lost in thought again, and Cassia stayed quiet. She had said her piece, now all she could do was hope that it truly reached her mother in the way she had meant to. 

“You are right,” Leandra finally said. She was still speaking softly, and with some hesitation on her voice. “Maybe I need to take a step back. Be a little less judgemental. I just…” She looked at her daughter with worry in her eyes. “I fear I don’t even know where to start. How do I even talk to her about this?”

Cassia wasn’t sure that she could truly help her mother with that part, but she put on her most encouraging smile. “Just… try to see her for who she is. You won’t be disappointed!”

“I am not!” Leandra said and all of a sudden the hesitation was completely gone from her voice, a fierce look on her face.

“What?” Cassia blinked in confusion at the sudden change in her mother. 

“I am not disappointed,” Leandra clarified. “In any of you. Neither you nor Bethany or Carver, nor Adriene! I never have been! Angry or unhappy about things I don’t agree with? Sure, but I doubt any of you could actually disappoint me.”

Cassia felt her own smile go wide at her mother’s almost passionate declaration. For a brief moment she thought back to her nightmares, to the fear demon’s vastly different sounding claims. To hear the exact opposite coming from her mother felt like a soothing balm on a still not quite healed wound.

“Maybe tell her that?” she suggested with a smile at her mother. “It would make for a good start, I think. In a quiet moment when nothing else is going on and you have some time to talk?”

“I will try.” There seemed to be a new-found resolve in her mother, and Cassia sighed inwardly in relief as she was pulled into a brief but firm hug. “But now I am going to get you something to eat, you look like you are hungry,” Leandra said as she drew back. Cassia chuckled at her sudden change back into her mothering mode.

“No, mom, please,” she begged. “I’ve avoided breakfast on purpose. I’ve been feeling a little off all morning.”

It was definitely the wrong thing to admit, for it made Leandra stand up, taking Cassia’s face into both her hands and narrowing her eyes at her.

“Off? What is the matter?”

“Nothing bad, just some nausea,” Cassia tried to wave her mother’s concern away. “I am going to stop by Anders’ clinic after this so he can give me something. If I caught something messing with my stomach, I don’t want to pass it on to Maia, you know?” Suddenly she stopped, watching her mother with suspicion. “What… why are you smiling like that?”

“I thought you were somewhat… glowing when you showed up,” Leandra said in a somewhat conspiratorial sounding tone, a small grin on her lips 

“And you’re smiling because I might have a fever?” Cassia shook her head at her mother’s strange happiness. “Never mind being nicer to Adriene, start with being nicer to me please!”

Leandra’s hand was on her forehead for a moment before her mother shook her head. “You’re not feverish. I meant the other kind of glowing…”

Cassia’s eyes widened. “Oh…” She paused, quickly going over everything she had felt the past few days. “I didn’t even think about that. I took precautions after all.”

Her mother only shrugged. “They do not always work, you know that…”

“I know…” Cassia felt her heart beating faster. This wasn't planned. Again. But unlike the last time, the possibility didn’t fill her with dread. Only with a carefully joyous anticipation. “Don’t look at me with such a worried face! I’m fine,” she assured her mother. “This is just speculation and even if…” _Even if…_ The thought brought a smile to her face. “It wouldn’t be too bad if it were true,” she added quietly. “We wanted to wait for a while longer, but we always planned on it, after all.”

“Well, I guess you are going to the clinic right now then,” her mother said, already moving, pulling Cassia along out of their living room. “You should find out for certain as soon as possible so we can start planning.”

“What, are you serious?” Cassia had followed her mother along on instinct, confusion spreading all over her face. 

Leandra gave her a wink that looked like she was joking, but couldn’t quite disguise her stern tone. “Maia is playing right now, and Orana can take care of her if she gets tired. Last time you only gave me a little over two months, you can make up for that by finding out today!”

She absolutely meant it, Cassia realized. “Will you be alright, though, talking to Adriene? Or do you want me to be here for that?”

Her mother only shook her head. “You’ve already given me a lot to think about, the rest is something I need to work out with Adriene myself.”

For a brief moment, Cassia felt so much that she didn’t quite know what to do. She settled for giving her mother another fierce hug. “I love you, Mom! I’ll come back as soon as I know something,” she murmured before letting go and grabbing her coat.

“You do that, and don’t keep me in suspense!” Her mother still smiled at her as she led her to the door. “I have plans in the early afternoon, but I should be back before dinnertime. Take care!”

With an eager nod, Cassia hurried out the door, trying her best not to break into a run. _Speculation,_ she tried to remind herself. It couldn’t quite quell the low hum of excitement running through her as she hurried towards Darktown.


	7. That What You Leave Behind

It didn’t take Cassia too long to make her way towards Anders’ clinic, her head full of possibilities. The thought of maybe being pregnant again hadn’t even crossed her mind, not until her mother had brought it up. But now that the thought had taken hold, she realized that the past few days had held a very familiar feeling. She could only shake her head at herself, at her inability to even think in that direction. A low hum of excitement went through her at the thought of how different her life was now, compared to the first time. How worried and frightened she had been. If her mother was right — and a part of Cassia felt already certain that she was — this time, everything would be so much better. This time, she would be able to actually enjoy the thoughts, look forward to so many things.

When she entered the clinic, she was glad to see that at least for the moment, Anders didn’t seem to have any other patients. He was alone, working on some potions given the amount of flasks covering one of the tables next to him. He hadn’t seen her come in, but he had undoubtedly heard the door moving.

“I’ll be right there,” he called out, without even looking up. “Just a few more moments, then I can help.”

She couldn’t help but smile at his words. What a very Anders way to greet someone.

“Don’t hurry on my behalf, I need your help, but it’s nothing bad,” she answered, closing the door behind her. The aroma of freshly boiled herbs lay thick in the air. From the ingredients she could smell, he was probably bottling some poultices for infected wounds. “You started without me,” she realized.

“Not because I couldn’t use your help,” he said, carefully sealing the flask in his hand, “but there are so many things to restock, and surprisingly, no patients today so far. I thought I’d get a head start, I didn’t expect you until later this afternoon.”

Cassia went over to the small wash basin and began cleaning her hands. She might as well help him finish up now that she was already here. “That was the plan, yes,” she agreed. “But I had a talk with my mother this morning.” After she dried her hands, she went over to where Anders was still working. Without thought, he made room for her as she took the freshly brewed potion. From working on countless batches of potions together, they had quickly picked up on an optimized work routine, dividing each step between them that made them work twice as fast when they did it in tandem. By now, it was so ingrained they didn’t even need to talk about it anymore, each one instinctively knowing what to do and when as they fell into a comfortable silence. The only noises filling the room where the occasional clink of the glass bottles and the low hum of activity from outside the clinic.

“How is Leandra?” Anders asked, after a while, without stopping his work.

Cassia smiled while carefully filling up the flasks he lined up for her. “Well, for the most part. The usual small family fights, but I think we had a really good talk today.” It had felt like something of a small breakthrough, at least to her. But it wasn’t the reason she was here now, so Cassia continued, “She urged me to come here directly after she made some observations. I’m not just here to help, I actually need yours as well.”

Anders’ paused briefly to look at her. “Are you unwell?” 

“I don’t think I am,” she said with a smile. “I thought I was, because I felt a bit off, but I think that might have other reasons.” 

When he only gave her a confused look, her smile got wider. “You know, being a bit worn out, slightly dizzy, some nausea…” 

It only took a second for Anders to catch on and for his smile to mirror her own. “You think you might be pregnant again?” When he saw her enthusiastic nod, he put down the flasks. “And I can see this is not an unwanted thought at all this time.”

Cassia shook her head. “No, not at all. The opposite really.” 

With a small nod, he took the poultice from her and sat it down on the table. “These can wait!” he declared. “At least until after I can tell you for sure.” 

The next few minutes, neither of them spared the unfinished potion bottles any thought as Cassia listed all the small things she had noticed over the past few days again, and Anders asked a question here and there. When he finally started to confirm their suspicions with magic, though, he frowned.

“What is the matter?” Cassia asked immediately as she saw his face. “Have I been wrong after all?”

“There is something that feels…” His brow furrowed, he let his magic flow again only to stop and take a step back. “What…” he murmured to himself. “What was I even trying to do?” 

Cassia looked at him in confusion. “Checking if I am pregnant?” she asked, not quite understanding what was going on. Anders looked first at her, then at his hands.

“Right,” he shook his head. “Sorry, I lost my concentration there for a moment,” he apologized, and now it was Cassia who started to look worried.

“Anders, are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” he said. “Must have gotten distracted.” Without explaining further, he repeated what he had been doing, and a moment later, she could feel his magic reaching out to her again. 

“Huh, this is strange.” Anders sounded even more confused than before. “This feels almost like…” All of a sudden, his eyes went wide, and he looked at her with alarm. “Cassia, what did you do?”

“What did I do?” she asked with a frown. “Nothing, I think? I had a completely normal morning, didn’t have any breakfast, but other than that, everything is normal. I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. Why?”

It didn’t seem to be what Anders wanted to know at all. “No, not what I meant,” he explained. “Something about you feels off.” Without explaining further, he reached for her and took one of her hands, turning it over, carefully looking as if he expected to find a clue on it. “How are your magic issues lately?”

Something began to dawn on Cassia, and she swallowed. “Fine. My magic issues are fine,” she said simply, not quite willing to offer any further explanation.

His eyes narrowed. “Just like that? How often do you have the outbursts? Have they been getting stronger the past week like you felt they did the last time you were pregnant?”

When Cassia didn’t immediately answer, he sighed. “Or do you not know because you have taken something to make them disappear altogether?”

For a moment, Cassia was tempted to lie. To simply pretend that she had finally gotten better at managing her magic. The urge to hide just how far her weakness went was almost overwhelming. But there was surprisingly little judgment in his voice, and she could practically feel the worry radiating from him. 

“I did…” she admitted quietly. 

Anders only nodded grimly. “What did you take and how much?”

Taking a deep breath, Cassia gave herself a push, telling him all about her continued experimentation with the Magebane, her subsequent encounter with not just one but two demons, the resulting sleepless nights, and how small doses had started to let her fall asleep again. And finally, how she had started to take it daily, each night before she went to sleep to make sure no demon could get into her dreams. At that point in her story, he had let go of her hand, only to sit down onto the cot next to her and pull her against him, a soothing arm around her shoulders.

“I wish you would have come to me,” he said quietly after she had finished. “I could have given you something for dreamless sleep…”

“I thought about it,” Cassia admitted. “But I also know those potions are only a short term help, as addictive as they are.” 

“And you think the Magebane isn’t?” 

Cassia shook her head. “I studied every book I had on this, and none of the components I used are in any way addictive.” She had taken great care in her research after all.

“Maybe not on their own, but in that combination? From what you described and how it seems to work…” He sighed. “Magebane, being what it is and what it does, is nothing anyone has ever really bothered to try and test over a long period of time,” he explained. “Meaning that even the best scholars that wrote about it only really know short term effects…” He squeezed her shoulder before his voice took on a more stern tone. “Cassia, you need to stop taking it immediately. Pregnant or not. We have no idea what this could do to you if you keep this up.”

Stopping immediately? Cassia felt everything inside her protest at the thought. The last few weeks had been nothing short of a miracle after all. She had finally felt somewhat at peace. For the first time in years, she had not worried about going anywhere, about giving herself away any moment. She had gone to sleep without fear. Her thoughts must have been visible on her face because Anders sounded much more urgent all of a sudden.

“Cassia, I am absolutely serious about this! This could be dangerous, the side effects of what Magebane continuously does to your magic...”

“What do you mean?” she asked. “It takes it away, which was exactly what I wanted.” It wasn’t a side effect after all, it had been her main goal.

“That is a nuance that probably wouldn’t be in most books, but Magebane doesn’t _‘take away’_ your magic,” Anders explained calmly. “It suppresses it.”

“So?”

“So, the magic isn’t actually gone. It’s not like when a Templar drains it out of you, or a Smite forcefully rips it away. With Magebane, the magic is still there, just… suppressed. You are cut off from it, but it is still there. That’s why it was such a strain on your body when the Templars used the Smite on you. They were tearing at something, trying to take something from you that your body, in that moment, didn’t know how to access.”

Cassia didn’t say anything as she tried to follow his explanations. It made a lot of sense when he put it this way, but it still didn’t explain to her why she should be worried. So far, she had been living just fine like this, no ill side effects at all. When she told him so, there was a hint of relief growing on his face.

“I can’t say just how glad I am to hear that,” he said, “but the fact remains that this is uncharted territory, and we have no idea what it could do to you and your magic in the long run.” There was something else he suddenly thought of. “Not to mention a possible child. You said you took this every evening, and now, in the afternoon of the next day, the effects are still so strong that they suppress even magic from the outside.”

Cassia’s eyes widened. “So that’s what happened earlier? You couldn’t check if I am pregnant because the Magebane I took cancels out your magic as well?”

Anders nodded. “That is what I think happened. And Cassia, please consider what else that would mean. If the Magebane shuts down every kind of magic as soon as it comes into contact with you, then that means…”

“If I got hurt right now, you couldn’t even begin to heal me,” she interrupted, suddenly feeling very stupid for not putting any thought into this before. “Shit!” She felt every part of her that had been ready to argue about this deflate somewhat, and with a sigh, she let her head rest on Anders’ shoulder. “I’ve made a right mess again, haven’t I?”

“No,” he said with a small shake of his head. His arm around her shoulders remained steadfast as he held her. “You haven’t. As far as I can see at least. But I think if we want to make sure it stays that way, you will need to change things.”

Cassia didn’t trust her own voice at this moment and only nodded quietly. 

“Starting with not taking any more of your Magebane mix. Promise me please.”

As heavy as her heart felt at the thought, Cassia knew he had a point. And that he wasn’t saying any of this to make her life harder, but that it came from a genuine place of concern. And she trusted Anders completely when it came to anything health-related, after all. 

“I promise,” she said quietly. She could feel him relax a bit against her at her words.

“Thank you,” Anders said, squeezing her arm again. “Now, I can give you something to flush the rest of the Magebane out of your system. Like last time basically.”

Cassia pulled a face as she remembered the stuff he had made her drink back then. “That vile concoction with the awful smell that tasted like someone put a rotting corpse into a flask?”

Anders laughed at the indignation in her tone. “The one and only. Think of it this way — after taking it, I can probably tell you if you are really pregnant. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait it out and come back in a day or two…”

He didn’t need to say more. Cassia straightened again and turned her head to look at him. “Hand me the rotting corpse potion and let me get this over with!”

With a laugh, Anders got up to get the potion, and Cassia’s eyes followed him through the clinic. Briefly, she wondered just how differently this conversation would have gone two years ago. When he looked at her full of sympathy as she managed to swallow down the foul-smelling liquid, she thought just how far they had come. From constantly fighting and riling each other up to this. This sense of understanding, even if she did something he obviously didn’t approve of. The complete support he nonetheless offered. Cassia only hoped she could do the same for him one day. 

A short while after she had taken the potion, he was back at her side, the warm and slightly tingling feeling of his magic running through her once more. This time, without anything throwing him off. 

“And?” Cassia asked, managing to sound only slightly impatient.

Anders looked at her with a tentative smile. “You are definitely pregnant! So I repeat my earlier warnings. No more experimentation with any sort of magical substances, you understand? At least not without consulting me!” 

Cassia had no idea how exactly she would be able to deal with the issues that were bound to return any moment now that the effects of the Magebane were truly gone, but she nodded nonetheless. She had managed the first time around. Had been able to somewhat work around most issues for over a decade already. She would find another way to do so again. Especially now that she had more to consider than just her own wellbeing. 

“You made your point, and I promise I won’t,” she assured him again. For now, the overwhelming joy she felt at his confirmation outweighed everything else she felt by such a large amount she could easily push her worries aside.

“Cullen will be beside himself with joy when I tell him,” she said with a wide grin on her face. “And my mother… she will be so excited!”

Anders chuckled. “What a vast change compared to how you felt the last time I told you you were pregnant,” he said with an equally wide smile. 

Cassia only shrugged happily. “Everything is so different from how it was back then… My ill-advised tries at self-medication aside, I’ve never been in a better place in my life before.”

Anders looked like he wanted to say something, but he seemed to change his mind as he simply drew her into a heartfelt embrace. “I am happy for you,” he murmured as Cassia hugged him back. “I truly am.”

“Thank you for looking out for me, even when I do stupid things,” Cassia said quietly, just before she let go of him and drew back. 

“Anytime!” Anders smiled. “I am guessing you want to hurry home and tell everyone the good news?”

It had been her first thought, but Cassia shook her head. Cullen was in the Gallows, she had no idea where she would find Adriene at the moment, and her mother had told her she would only be back in the late afternoon.

“Everyone is busy at the moment.” With a look towards the still empty array of flasks, she moved to pick up their work again. “And so are we, given just how much of this stuff you cooked up. I can tell them later, after we finish all this.”

The worry of how she would handle her magic was still there, underneath it all, but for this moment, she was content to let it be smothered by the overwhelming feeling of happiness running through her. She could worry later and enjoy this for however long it lasted. In her experience, it never did for very long after all.

* * *

When Adriene woke, it was still dark outside, and for a long, blissful moment, all she could feel was the comfortable heaviness in her body. Her companion, Adriano, was still wrapped around her, his body warm against her back. Staying overnight even after the sexual act was a privilege she had gladly paid for more than once after Bethany had taken King Barkistair with her to Amaranthine. Having someone with her during the night let her sleep more deeply and brought fewer nightmares with it — or in the last weeks, at least something akin to feeling rested, even if she didn’t dream.

It was one reason why she had decided to mostly ignore the gossip around her visits to the Blooming Rose. Over the last few years, she became a good acquaintance of Madam Lusine and had developed an immense respect for the woman who led this establishment with care and diligence, not letting anybody harm the people in her employ or even talk down to them. Madam Lusine had also been more than once the key to solving one of the problems the people of Kirkwall came to the Hawke twins with by providing crucial information. But that was not the only reason she still came here despite some biting remarks. Apart from the rush of adrenaline during fights, sex had been the one thing in the last weeks that had managed to lift the grey fog around her emotions at least for a short while. And she wasn’t ready to give that one thing up that kept her… if not happy, then at least distracted. And feeling wanted and cared for. Even if she had to pay for it.

For a while, she just lay there, content in the feeling of having someone close to her. It was one of those blessed moments where she could just _feel_ , where she was neither in the grey fog that kept her at arm’s length from reality, nor in the extreme and overwhelming harshness of her emotions when the fog lifted and they rushed back seemingly all at once. It would probably be good if she went home before the sun was up. It was late enough that her mother’s guests had gone home, but not early enough for anyone else to see her. Carefully, she turned in Adriano’s arms, and he stirred, blinking sleepily.

“I have to go," she murmured, and his arm tightened around her.

“So soon?” he said into the crook of her neck, his fingers slowly drawing a line from her navel to her breasts. “I am yours until the sun is up after all…”

Adriene smiled. “You were asleep not a minute ago.”

“Mhm, but I’m happy to wake up for you,” he purred, pulling her closer so she could feel the proof of it against her thigh.

He really was worth the two sovereigns - even now, she couldn’t tell if he only pretended to like her or if there was actual affection. Sometimes, she liked to think he actually had come to like her and enjoyed their time together as much as she did… then again, he made a point to never ask personal questions, and she didn’t volunteer anything. It was something that set her apart from other customers, he had once told her. She had only shrugged and said if he wanted details, he only had to ask a random person who certainly would be happy to share a rumor about the upstart Hawke family besmirching the good name of Amell. He had laughed and never mentioned it again. By now, he probably knew more about her preferences in bed than anyone else she had ever been with, and yet, she didn’t even know his last name. And they were both content with it.

His fingers caressed the underside of her breast before he let his hand wander lower again. Her body was still warm and relaxed and reacted eagerly to his expert touches. Her smile widened as he kissed her neck, and his hand was back between her legs, pushing them apart with playful insistence.

“Maybe I don’t have to go just yet,” she sighed after a moment and closed her eyes. Adriano had a talent to make her forget the world, forcing her to surrender to his will, and she was happy to give up control for once. For once, she didn’t have to care for everything and everyone.

An hour later, just as the dawn crawled over the city, slowly filling the shadows of the night with rosy light, she left the Blooming Rose to go home. Quietly, she stole into the house and upstairs into her room, throwing the windows wide open to let in cool air and all the light she could. She knew it wouldn’t be long until the contentment would fade and be replaced by grey numbness that would bring no rest. But so far, it was still there, and the light would chase away bad dreams. Maybe she would still find some sleep.

It was past midday when Adriene woke again, jerking awake with incomplete fragments of a frightening, intense dream still lingering at the edge of her mind. She was drenched in sweat, and for a moment, she found it hard to breathe. Her heart raced, confusion, sadness, and longing raging within her with an intensity that outmatched even the moments of unbridled emotion she had experienced these last weeks.

Her mouth was dry as she stumbled to the bathroom and washed herself, but contrary to the last moments of such intense emotions, they did not calm down. Instead, she found herself feeling raw and unable to process what was going on. Eventually, she went downstairs to get something to eat, in the vain hope that it would settle her frayed nerves.

Bodhan was already working in the kitchen, and after exchanging a few pleasant words with him, she took a big cup of coffee and a snack, and made herself comfortable in one of the armchairs in the garden with the latest of Varric's books, in the hopes that it would calm her down. She found herself barely able to concentrate on the words, though, and eventually she gave up. She would have to find some other way of easing the unrest that kept her on edge.

She had just gone back inside when her mother caught sight of her.

“There you are!” Leandra called angrily, coming towards her with flashing eyes. 

Adriene flinched. _Shit._ She had forgotten that she had skipped the evening before without excusing herself. A wave of guilt washed through her, and she shrunk into herself.

“Hey Mom. Listen, about yesterday,” she started hesitantly, “I… something came up. I'm sorry."

“Oh, save your breath, Adriene,” Leandra snapped.

Adriene blinked in surprise. She knew her mother to be easily annoyed by her, but she rarely was so confrontational.

"Excuse me?"

Leandra put her hands on her hips, her face still full of outrage. "I have been working for years now to make the name of Hawke respectable in this city,” she started angrily. “I have attended every single charitable event, I have talked to everyone who has a name and invited them over, I have organized dinners and brought presents, I have been invited to lunches and events, made excuses for your absences and know every single one of our neighbors by their first name.”

Adriene listened quietly, barely containing herself to wring her hands. She had a very good idea where this was going, and a weird mix of shame and defiance burned inside her.

But her mother didn’t let her get a word in as she rattled on, “I have listened for hours to Lady Carlisle as she talked about her crocheting just to get on her good side because she is Hightown's authority on who is shunned and who isn't, and guess what? I made her stop talking about us being upstarts and drunkards.” Leandra had started to pace up and down in agitation as she spoke. “People have started to talk about the family Hawke with the same respect they once talked about the family Amell. Cassia’s marriage to the Knight-Captain was Maker-sent, and she is regarded with the utmost respect, Carver is a highly regarded Grey Warden, and Bethany has always been loved by our neighbors and is now even working for the Commander of the Grey. People have finally started to disregard Gamlen's disastrous reputation. And for what?!"

Red dots were burning hotly on Adriene’s cheeks, but she kept silent. She knew that Leandra wasn’t done yet.

“All our work, all the good standing we have earned, only for our neighbors to snicker behind their fans about how much my eldest daughter resembles her drunk uncle.”

“Mom…” Adriene started, but the moment she spoke, Leandra interrupted her again, her voice dripping with acid.

“This morning, while you were sleeping off your hangover after skipping our dinner that I have prepared for weeks and explicitly asked you to attend, your sister was here. Which you would know had you not been out the whole night.” She gave her a once-over, still decidedly angry. “She made a passionate speech about how you certainly had a good excuse why you weren’t there, how you were surely helping someone. Imagine my mortification when, just after Cassia left, Lord Jermaine called on me, telling me in not-so-subtle words how you were seen stumbling drunk into that brothel!”

Leandra interrupted herself just short of shouting and walked a few paces away from Adriene. Then she turned back to her daughter, her voice more quiet but very strained. “Not only did you not come to my dinner, you weren’t even discreet about where you went, making every excuse I made an obvious lie, insulting my every effort with your blatant and public disregard!”

Adriene closed her eyes, blinking back the treacherous sting of tears. _Shit._ She had really overdone it this time, and she hadn’t even realized it in the grey haze that had been the last day and night. For a second, she even wished the numbness back, but it seemed that today of all days would not grant her this mercy. She felt every word like a stab, distress and shame burning inside her. She didn’t even have an excuse. What could she possibly say to her mother? That she couldn’t feel, and that in those moments, she was barely able to bear her closest friends’ company, not to speak of pretentious strangers who expected her to act a part she hated? Cassia might understand her — she had spoken herself of the moments where everything just stopped mattering — but her mother? 

“I am sorry, Mom,” she said quietly, fully aware that it was far from sufficient.

True enough, Leandra only snapped back, “Oh, for Andraste's sake, stop it, Adriene. Just stop it. I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to be there! To just once put others above yourself and take responsibility!”

Adriene nodded, equally distressed, if in a completely different way. "I know, and again, I'm sorry! I just — I — I'm not like you, Mom, I don’t—” 

Immediately, Leandra interrupted her. “Don't you think I know that? And I'm not asking you to be! All I ask is that you are there!”

Adriene was silent, pressing her lips together with a sullen, desperate look. Leandra was right, and they both knew it, so no argument could be made that would appease her right now. But Adriene’s silence seemed to aggravate Leandra even more.

It took her only a look, then she exploded, "Oh, Maker's breath, can you just once not be like your father!" She glared at Adriene. "Just once! He wasn't there either, and every time, there was some excuse or other, but I've had enough! I have not worked this hard to get us the standing we have to just let you do the same as he did and not be there when it matters! And that damned reckless charm of his that you have will not save our reputation, do you hear me?" She pointed an accusing finger at her eldest daughter. "I have not worked this hard for you to go around and be a laughing stock because you are stumbling around drunk between this hole of a tavern in Lowtown and that brothel! I have managed to divert every comment about you consorting with a pirate whore or having a thing for elven servants, but—”

That was the moment that the same anger that had been in Leandra’s words exploded in Adriene. She could take every insult directed at her, but she would not stand by and have the people she loved be dragged through the mud.

"Stop right there!" she snapped loud enough to make her mother stop talking in surprise. "You don't get to talk about Isabela and Fenris in that way."

The surprise did not hold, and Leandra narrowed her eyes at her daughter. Now both women were trembling with fury. "These are not my words, Adriene, these are the words of our neighbors and you would do good to heed them! Personally, I don't mind you being with them, but you could very well use some discretion!"

“What I do in my persona—” Adriene started, but Leandra interrupted her immediately.

“Is very well my business if it hurts this family!”

“You know what hurts this family?! You do!” Adriene exploded, and Leandra took a step back, staring at her in shock. “When you put the words of every random person who just happens to have a title above your children!” The fury was burning bright inside her as Adriene glared at her mother. Her hands felt strangely hot as she balled them into fists, nearly sizzling in her anger. “You care more about our ‘reputation’ than about who we are or how we feel—”

“Says the woman who has ignored her sister for weeks at a time!” Leandra fumed. “You, who couldn’t even put your own ego aside one day to attend your niece’s naming ceremony! Who cannot even pretend to care enough for me to attend a simple dinner!”

“A dinner with people who couldn’t be less worthy of your attention!” Adriene hissed furiously. “You know that these are the same people who come running to me or Cassia every time something goes awry in their precious frivolous and stupid lives? They may think I'm a drunken whore, but they are not above hiring me to get their love letters back from that merchant they had an affair with!” She shook her head in anger. “All this time, it has been enough to show the world our worth by our deeds. By how the Viscount counts on Cassia and me to keep the peace with the Qunari in this shithole of a city, by our investment in that mine, by helping the other Ferelden refugees when your precious nobles have gladly forgotten them, and by just being the most successful family in Hightown! But suddenly, you care about our reputation!”

“This is about much more than reputation, Adriene!” Leandra hissed, fury ablaze in both her voice and eyes. “This is about you not being on your guard! Your father would turn around in his grave if he saw you like this, so careless and reckless. No wonder Bethany wants to stay in Amaranthine instead of being here!" Adriene jerked back as if her mother had slapped her, but Leandra didn't notice. "We were lucky that Cullen is a good man, and even then, the templars arrested Cassia! It was thanks to him, not to you that we haven’t lost your sister like we lost Carver! And if Cassia is taken away after all, it will be because you are drunk in a corner with your trousers down around your feet!”

Leandra slapped her hand onto her mouth as soon as the words were out and breathed in sharply, shocked by her own exclamation. Then she took a quick step towards Adriene, reaching out for her. "Oh, Adriene, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I know it wasn't your fault, I…" She trailed off helplessly.

Adriene felt like she had been hit in the face, and she took a step back as her mother reached for her, avoiding her touch. All the fury that had burned inside her just a moment ago was gone, and where the heat and rage had sizzled hot on her skin, she felt cold all of a sudden.

Somehow, the leaden silence that was between them felt even worse than the wrath of the fight.

“No, you’re right, Mom,” she said in a flat voice. She had always known her mother blamed her for the templars arresting Cassia, but it was the first time that she had actually voiced it. And the worst thing was that Leandra was right. It had been her fault that Carver was gone. That Bethany stayed away. That Cassia had even met Cullen. And she had been absolutely helpless against the templars after the arrest. Not to mention that every word her mother had said about her being reckless in regard to their reputation was true.

“Adriene…” Leandra tried again. “Adriene, I really didn't mean it. I was angry because I am worried about you. I don’t want to lose you like I lost your father.”

Adriene took another step backward, looking at the floor. She couldn’t even make sense of the storm of emotions surging through her right now, whether she wanted to cry or scream or laugh. Her heart beat painfully, but then she just pressed her lips together and took a deep breath. She could do this.

“It’s alright, Mom,” she said with calm seriousness. She even managed a little smile. “I know you didn't mean it. I am sorry to have caused you pain, I'll take care to be more discreet with… everything. And be more careful.” She searched for more words, for something that could make this good again, but she had no idea where to even start. Eventually, she just settled for a mumbled, “Excuse me.” Then, she turned on her heels and walked back to her room, leaving Leandra behind who closed her eyes with a guilty sigh.

Adriene went to her room and changed into training clothes, then she went into the garden and got to work with their dummies. She couldn’t sit still and wanted nothing more than to be out of the house right now, but in combination with her promise to be more discreet and what her mother had said about the gossip in the neighborhood, she knew she couldn't leave. People would watch her every step for the next week or so after this. Despite Adriene's disregard for most of the habits of the mighty and wealthy of Kirkwall, she also had no illusions about how they worked. They would wait for her to take a misstep for the next week or so and then lose interest because of another stupid scandal. She would just have to lay low. And avoid the Blooming Rose for the foreseeable future.

_Lunge, sidestep, hit!_

Her knives slashed through the air, hitting throat, belly, side of the dummy. The familiar motions numbed the burning emotions running through her as she slowly worked up a sweat.

_Again. Lunge, sidestep, hit!_

Adriene wiped her brow and went back into position, gripping her knives more tightly.

_Lunge, sidestep, hit, swirl, jump!_

As she went through her training routine, losing herself in the motions with burning muscles, she thought back to the last months. Her mother was right, she had started to loosen up since she had believed Cassia to be safe with Cullen, and Bethany had left Kirkwall. Even more so since she had barely felt anything. But obviously, she had been wrong. She had started to believe that she might have a chance at finding something outside of being her family’s protector, but all it had gotten her was heartbreak and causing pain to her family. It was time she went back to what she was best at.

She was still training when Leandra left for her weekly meeting with Gamlen, and when Cassia came, a joyous glow on her face.

“Adriene,” she beamed at her, and Adriene wiped the sweat from her face.

“Hey Cassia, what are you doing here? I thought you were here this morning,” she said, giving her sister a tentative smile. Was Cassia also mad at her? But there was no scowl on her face, only open happiness.

“Yes, but I have something I need to tell Mom. And you! But together. Is she here?”

Adriene shook her head and started to answer, but before she could get a word out, Gamlen stormed in.

“There you are!” he exclaimed. “Where’s your mother? Is she feeling alright?”

Adriene and Cassia exchanged a surprised look.

“Why wouldn’t she?” Adriene said. “She was on her way to see you, wh—”

“She never showed!” Gamlen said agitatedly. “This is not like her. Where is she?”

“Maybe she is with her suitor?” Bodhan had come in, a worried expression on his face.

“Suitor?” Adriene’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

The elation on Cassia’s face had been replaced by worry as she said, “Mom never mentioned a suitor.”

Gamlen shook his head, frowning at Bodhan who pointed to a large vase filled with fragrant white flowers. “Well, those lilies arrived for her this morning. I was sure that...” Bodhan trailed off.

"Lilies?” Adriene frowned. Something about the flowers sent a shiver through her. Where had she heard that before? She froze as it hit her. Lilies. White lilies. The same flowers all those women that had disappeared had gotten. “White lilies!” She grabbed Cassia’s hand and turned with wide eyes to her sister who looked just as shaken. Clearly, she had had the same thought.

“We need to find her.”


	8. The Hand That Takes Away

Worry had turned into outright fear by the time they had not only found a trail but a man that was far beyond everything sane and reasonable. Necromancy had been something Cassia had always known about as a concept, but had never expected to see for herself. And when she did, she couldn’t help but wish it had stayed theoretical. They had found traces of blood, books, notes, and finally… body parts, and their fear for their mother grew to sheer endless proportions. 

When they finally found the man responsible, it had taken all Cassia had to not outright attack him, her last bit of reason making sure she put him in a binding spell instead. They needed to find their mother, after all, and a dead man could answer none of their questions. Not that they got very far before something odd in the corner of her eye caught her attention. Something that wasn’t right.

They had come looking for their mother. But everything about this was just plain wrong. This was not their mother. This was nothing more than a dying husk of who she had been.

Cassia tried to be strong nonetheless. For her. For Adriene, who held their mother in her arms through her last moments, looking so terribly lost, like her whole world was breaking apart in front of her. Cassia had never seen her sister in so much pain before. Crouching next to her, she tried to hold her, to help her in any way she could. But when their mother stopped breathing and her tormentor still did, something inside her simply gave.

She vaguely registered anguished screams echoing through the room. Her own? It didn’t matter anymore. Cassia was on her feet in an instant, her magic already sizzling around her without conscious thought. Something was boiling inside her. Something ugly and hideous. The thing she had tried to hide her entire life. The magic inside her felt more volatile than ever before as it clawed at her to get out. And this time, she was ready to let it. Channeling every last bit of it into her anguish, the magic exploded from inside of her, bursting into the man who had taken their mother from them.

The soothing familiar cold of her magic slew together with the fiery rage inside her; a frozen heart inside a body lit on fire as her grief stirred more magic than she had ever handled before. Cassia barely felt her skin cracking open in places, old bruises worsening through the strain of channeling this much raw power through her body. Her magic normally allowed her to do her damage from afar, but in her rage, her sorrow, she charged blindly towards the man responsible. Her eyes closed, she could feel the tearing of flesh beneath her hands, the wetness of blood hitting her face, and the stench of burning flesh melding with the copper taste in the air. 

Someone was suddenly next to her. Fenris? Anders? Trying to stop her. Saying something about it being enough. They took her staff from her, almost gently, but she only shrugged, a dry laugh stuck in her throat threatening to choke her. She didn’t need a staff to make herself burn. Her hands would do just as well. When she opened her eyes, she saw the ice and fire bursting from her fingers, singeing her own skin in the process until something finally gave.

And her world turned red.

Someone forcefully grabbed her, holding her until she stopped struggling. Around them, the room had been turned into something out of a nightmare. Her mother’s murderer was gone, there was nothing of him left anymore, and yet, he was everywhere around her. She heard Anders talk, not letting go, and Cassia closed her eyes again as he purposefully dragged her out of the room. She didn’t know where he was going to take her, but as soon as they left the foundry, she shook him off and started to run. Was he following her? It was hard to hear anything over the sound of her heart beating furiously in her chest. She ran until her legs threatened to give out. When she finally stopped, there was no one behind her anymore. 

She was alone.

* * *

The sudden silence was worse than the screaming.

Adriene felt something drop off her — _blood? Magic? Flesh?_ — and knew she had to fill the silence with something. It sounded too final, too much like death.

She drew a breath that shuddered through her whole body, or was it a tremble?

“I need to…” she started, but her voice was wrong, and so she stopped again. The words were wrong. Everything was so _wrong_.

Cassia was gone, so was Anders. So was the murderer. There was not even a body left. Was that what clung to her, she wondered, still staring at the passage where Anders had taken Cassia, with magic still shimmering all around her. She thought she had heard Anders call Cassia’s name, and steps running away, but she didn’t need the confirmation to know that Cassia had left her behind. Alone with their mother. She felt it.

“I need to...” she tried again, but her voice gave out, barely more than a whisper to begin with. What was she even trying to say?

She needed to do something. Something. _Anything_.

She turned back to her mother’s body, wanting to hold her one last time, and her heavy steps sloshed on the wet ground. There was blood everywhere, so much blood. Adriene barely noticed it, her eyes focused on her mother.

But halfway, she stopped again, staring at the red-sprinkled white dress, the veil and tousled hair beneath drenched in blood. That wasn’t her mother. Her mother had been kind, her hands soft and her movements precise and elegant, her dress always clean, and her hair impeccable. 

What lay on the ground, however, was barely more than an abomination wearing her mother’s face, with empty eyes and false hands, a false body.

Adriene still remembered the way the-thing-that-had-been-Leandra had come towards them.

One step. Another. A twitch as if her body did not belong to her — which it didn’t — staggering, _wrong_. Now, there was not even a twitch left, just mutilated bodies somewhere in this horrible shrine the necromancer had called his home. Somewhere had to be the body that had been her mother’s.

She stared at the blood-soaked veil, unable to look into her mother's face.

And then, the wailing started, horrible sounds as if from a dying animal echoing through the foundry, and it took Adriene a moment to realize that they came from herself. She could feel Fenris’ arms around her, holding her against him as she sank to the ground, his hand in her hair as she clung to him, and then everything just stopped.

She did not remember how they brought her home. The next thing she knew, she was standing in their living room, listening to how Aveline told Bodhan and Sandal what happened.

She must have made a sound, for Fenris’ arms around her tightened. Something in her broke as she half realized, half remembered that he hadn’t let go of her the whole way here.

“Adriene…”

That was Fenris’ voice, soft, worried, and she looked up at him. She felt like crying at the way he looked at her, but at the same time, she couldn’t. It was as if there were no tears left in her, nothing but that big dark silence.

“It’s over,” she said, her voice distant, like something that did not belong to her. “And I just left her there. I left her.”

More silence, only the faint sounds of Bodhan comforting Sandal somewhere in the background.

“Hawke…” Aveline. The guard captain stepped towards her, carefully laying a hand on her shoulder, holding her in a strong grip until she turned to look at her. “We couldn’t take her yet. The templars will investigate and they will want to take in the whole picture. They will…”

Aveline trailed off, but there was no need to finish. Slowly, the words made it into her mind, and Adriene nodded. She should have thought of that. She felt strangely detached, calm. “Oh, of course. They will make sure there are no abominations. That the bodies are not being taken over. Should we wait for them? Will they need to take our statements or something?”

There was a faint sound ringing in her ear, and Adriene pressed a hand against her temple. There was something she was supposed to do, but she couldn’t remember what.

Again, Fenris’ arm tightened around her, and she saw him and Aveline exchange a look, then Aveline shook her head. “I don’t think that will be necessary,” she said, her voice unusually kind. “Not immediately.”

Adriene just nodded.

“Lady Cassia has gone home directly, I suppose?” Bodhan asked, all worry and grief.

“She is…” Adriene started, trailing off as she realized she had no answer. And suddenly, she remembered what she was supposed to do, her whole body tensing up. She wasn’t supposed to be here. She should be out there, searching for Cassia.

“I don’t know,” she confessed and turned to Fenris with a desperate, wild look in her eyes, grabbing his arm. “I need to go back, I need to look for her.”

“Anders is looking for Cassia, Adriene.” His voice was still so soft. Adriene didn’t think she had heard him speak so carefully and softly before. “He’ll find her and take care of her, and then he’ll bring her home. Maybe she is already on her way there.”

“And I will go out to look for her as well. I’ll get Varric, too,” Aveline added. “You stay here in case she comes here.”

“What will we do now?” Bodhan asked, wringing his hands.

Looking at his grief-struck face brought back some of Adriene's composure. It was something to focus on, a question she could answer. Even if they could do nothing else tonight, not take care of the broken body _mutilated beyond recognition walking towards her with — NO!_ The singing in her head was back, and again, she pressed her hand against her temple, and Fenris’ arm around her tightened. _Try again._ Even if she could not take care of her mother, she could still take care of everyone else.

She took a breath, then another, and said calmly, “Don’t worry, Bodhan. I’ll take care of everything.”

Bodhan nodded, still wringing his hands with a sorrowful look. Adriene added, “It is late anyway, there’s not much we can do tonight. But we’ll be alright. I promise.”

Adriene straightened and felt Fenris’ arm slide down from around her, leaving a cold feeling on her skin. She looked at him and Aveline. “Thank you for taking me home.”

She thought she should add something, but she couldn’t think of anything, so she just turned and went upstairs without another word, passing her murdered mother’s room that screamed with silence. She would clean herself up, then wait for news of Cassia.

One step. Another. The bathroom door closing behind her. Peeling herself out of bloodsoaked clothes, her armor dropping with a loud clang to the floor, blessedly cold air against her hot skin.

Water, cool and refreshing, red, pink, pink for so long, then finally clear, calming the tremble in her hands. The sound of it drowned out the ringing in her ears, softening the echoes of her memories. It brought peaceful silence and forgetting…

“Adriene?” A loud knock at the door made her jump. “I’m coming in, alright? I have new clothes for you.”

Adriene blinked, coming out of the blessedly numb darkness she had sunken into. Before she could react, the door opened, and Isabela came in. She took just one look at Adriene, then she hurried to wrap a towel around her. Only when she carefully rubbed over her skin did Adriene realize how freezing cold she was.

“You’re turning blue, seagull. How long have you been in here?”

Adriene had no answer, her teeth clacking as she shivered, but Isabela didn’t wait for it anyway. She rubbed her dry and helped her get into a warm tunic and soft leggings, then she took her out of the bath and into her room, placing her in front of the fire with a blanket around her shoulders and one arm around her. Fenris was already waiting, talking quietly to Anders. Seeing them both in the same room without bickering was unusual enough, but for once, Adriene couldn’t find it in herself to tease them for it. She was so very tired…

When Anders came over to heal some of her minor injuries, bringing some warmth back into her limbs, she remembered that he had looked for Cassia.

“How long has it been? Did you find her?” she asked, her voice brittle and dry. Anders shook his head.

“Not yet. I wanted to look after you before going out again. But she is alive, and she is strong,” he answered quietly. “She’ll be back soon, I have no doubt about it.”

“I should look for her,” Adriene said, repeating her earlier thought, but Anders shook his head.

“No. You should stay here. She will come back, of that I am sure, but she might not stay if you aren’t here.” He had finished his healing and knelt down in front of her so he could look into her eyes, taking her hands into his. “Rest, Adriene. I will find her, I promise.”

Adriene looked at him for a long moment, reading the sincerity in his eyes, and a bit of calm came back to her. She knew she could trust him to keep his promise. She nodded, mouthing ‘thank you’.

“He’s right, seagull. And everything else can wait until tomorrow,” Isabela said quietly. She still had her arm around Adriene’s shoulders, and after a moment, Adriene nodded again, leaning into her friend’s embrace. Chances were, Cassia was already home, looking for solace and consolation with Cullen. And if she wasn’t, Anders would find her and take Cassia to Cullen. And Adriene would be there for her, too. Tomorrow.

“I didn’t try hard enough to save her,” she whispered, and for a moment, she didn’t know herself whom she even meant.

“Leandra wouldn’t want you to blame yourself,” Anders said, shaking his head. Adriene looked at him, and suddenly, the tears in her eyes she had thought were gone came back. All she could think of was that last conversation she had had with her mother. All the accusations and hurt, all the blame she knew Leandra had rightfully placed on her and that stood in harsh contrast to her last words. ‘I’m so proud of you.’ Only she knew it for the lie it was. Her mother had never been proud of her. The laugh that wrung from her throat was ugly, the tears running down her cheeks hot.

“You obviously don’t know my mother very well,” she said bitterly. After a second, she corrected herself, “Didn’t. Didn’t know.”

Another tear ran down her face, and she quickly wiped it away. Isabela wordlessly pulled her closer, a warm and steady presence next to her.

“I am sorry…” Anders murmured, giving her hand a last squeeze before he got up. “I’ll go find Cassia,” he added, more to Fenris and Isabela than to Adriene, and just a moment later, the door opened and closed again, and he was gone, leaving a cold space where he had been. Adriene more felt than saw Fenris move closer, sitting down on her other side.

“Am I to blame? For not saving her?” she asked, not directing the question at someone specifically. It was Fenris who answered.

“I could say no, but… would that help?”

“Yes,” she answered tonelessly. “Yes, it would.”

“Then no.” He carefully reached for her, wiping another tear from her cheek. The touch was soft, careful. “You are not to blame.”

“And you stopped the one who is to blame,” Isabela added, speaking softly into her hair.

“No, I didn’t,” Adriene murmured. “Cassia did.”

A painful silence.

Then, Isabela said softly, “Does it matter who dealt the blow? He cannot hurt anyone else.”

It mattered. Adriene closed her eyes, biting back more tears. It mattered. When it had counted, she hadn’t acted, _couldn’t_ act. Fenris touched her hand, interlacing his fingers with hers, and she looked at him in startled surprise. He just held her gaze, silently showing her that he was there for her. They both were. It did not lessen the pain, but in a way, it helped. The black numbness around her heart loosened its grip for just a moment, and Adriene let out a small breath. 

“Thank you,” she whispered.

She didn’t know how much time passed afterward, but even in her painful grief, Adriene felt strangely sheltered in Isabela’s embrace, holding onto Fenris at the same time. The shadows deepened as the fire slowly died, and sometime towards morning, when Adriene had more than once nodded off, they nudged her wordlessly to the bed.

“Please don’t leave,” she murmured, a mix of desperation and plea in her voice.

“Whatever you need,” Isabela said assuringly, kicked her boots off and crawled under the blanket. After a moment of hesitation, Fenris joined them. Adriene’s head rested on Fenris’ shoulder, and Isabela was pressed against her back, hugging her from behind. For the first time in her life, Adriene felt truly held, as if nothing bad would be able to touch her. She fell asleep to the sound of Fenris’ heartbeat and to the feeling of Isabela’s rising and sinking chest against her back.

* * *

Cassia didn’t know where she was anymore. Nor how much time had passed. After she had found herself alone in the darkened streets, she had kept walking. Aimlessly. Her surroundings blending together, becoming a grey mass in the back of her mind. A canvas on which her mind redrew the events of the night over and over again. Each time redder than before. Lost in her circling thoughts, she just went on until, to her own surprise, she found herself back where she had started. 

The foundry was completely empty when she carefully stepped inside again. Part of Cassia wondered if Adriene got home alright. If anyone should be looking after her, it should be her, after all. She should be taking care of her sister at this moment. 

She looked around the room. Her mother’s body was still lying on the floor, her white dress splattered with red smears. Cassia pressed herself back against the wall at the far end of the room, slowly sinking down. After what she had done, it might very well be for the best that someone else was with Adriene now. Anders. Isabela. Or Fenris. All of them would know better how to comfort her. Adriene needed someone to take care of her, give her love and support, not more violence and anger. Not the rage she had exhibited earlier, or the emptiness that Cassia felt at this moment. She drew her knees close to her body and looked at her burnt and bloody hands.

What was she supposed to do now?

She couldn't have said how long she just sat there, staring at her own hands, before she heard a noise. Footsteps. From behind. The door she had come through herself.

For a second, Cassia wondered if she shouldn’t be worried. If the right thing to feel wouldn’t be fear right now. But she couldn’t even muster the energy to turn her head and check who it might be. 

She didn’t need to when she heard a relieved sigh. 

“I’ve been looking all over the city…”

Anders. 

Why was he even here? He should be with Adriene. Take care of her sister in case she had been hurt. For a brief moment, a spike of terror went through Cassia as she wondered if her magic might have hurt her sister as well. Adriene had been right behind her after all. 

“Your sister is worried about you,” he said quietly, almost as if he knew where her mind was. 

Cassia let out a sigh of relief, still unable to stop staring blankly ahead. When she didn’t say anything, the quiet in the room became almost suffocating. What was she supposed to do now? Did Anders expect her to say something? To apologize for the horrors she had inflicted? To get up and look at something other than the blood on her hands and what was left of her mother? The possibilities suddenly seemed endless, each one of them more terrifying than the next. Cassia didn’t move. She had forgotten how to.

Anders’ voice came calmly from her side. “Look, Adriene is home, waiting for you. Let’s get you up and out of here as well so we can…”

“Don’t.” Cassia’s answer was quiet, but Anders stopped talking immediately. 

“I don’t…” she started, losing her trail of thought almost immediately. What was she even trying to say? “I can’t… Don’t make me! Please!”

She could hear him get closer, crouching down next to her.

“Cassia, I am not going to make you do anything right now, I promise.” His voice sounded soothing and completely honest. She still couldn’t look at him, but she managed a small nod at least. It would have to be enough for now. A soft touch on her shoulder almost made her flinch until she realized he wasn’t trying to move her.

“I can’t leave her alone,” she murmured. “She was always there for me, I can’t just walk away and…” Her voice started to become too shaken to continue.

“You don’t have to walk away,” Anders assured her. “What do you need?”

What a deceptively simple question. It should be simple to answer, but Cassia felt her throat close under the pressure of the reality of her situation. That what she wanted, no, what she _needed_ was utterly impossible. The view in front of her became blurry from the tears she stubbornly refused to let fall.

“I need my mom…” she whispered quietly, refusing to let the sob welling up in her break free.

Next to her, Anders shifted, and a moment later, he sat down and put an arm around her shoulder to carefully draw her against him. 

Cassia kept staring ahead, her eyes glued to the white dress. She wasn’t sure if the dull pain inside her stemmed from her overuse of magic or simply from the view in front of her, but as she felt her head come to rest on Anders’ shoulder, the thought drifted away from her.

“We can stay with her for a while,” he murmured, seemingly content with doing nothing else but to sit with her on the bloody floor of the most horrific room she had ever been in. 

The night went on, hours passing while Cassia stayed where she was. Unmoving, one of her hands buried in Ander’s robe as if she was holding on for her life. It was all she could do for now. 

Her thoughts that had been running in circles earlier that night turned sluggish and slow until her mind felt almost blissfully empty. She couldn’t remember when exactly she had let her head sink down onto Anders’ shoulder, but after a while, her eyes had fallen shut. Replacing the painfully red room with a gentle, calming darkness.

Cassia was uncertain if she had actually slept when she opened her eyes again. There was no way to tell what time it was by the windowless room they were in. But if she paid attention, she could hear faint sounds, people being up and about, working in the distance. 

Anders shifted next to her, rolling his head with a small groan. The stiffness in her own joints made it clear that they had sat where they were for far too long. The white dress was still there, in the corner of her eye, but where Cassia had been unable to look away before, she now felt compelled to do the exact opposite.

“I never got to tell her…” 

Her voice sounded scratchy, and her dry throat made it impossible to keep it from breaking as she looked anywhere but at her mother. Anders’ fingers around her arm tightened slightly in a quiet gesture of support.

“I went home to tell her. To tell everyone and then…” Cassia felt the words slip from her, making way for a quiet sob. Anders seemed to want to say something, but all of a sudden, he tensed. Noises. From the other side of the room. The unmistakable sound of plate armor and footsteps coming closer, and someone talking softly. 

“Templars,” Anders said under his breath. “It must be morning, and they are investigating. We should get out of here.” 

For a moment, Cassia felt stupid for not having thought about this. There had been magic involved, and she had spent hours here. Someone, Aveline most likely, must have made an official report by now. Frozen by a mixture of apathy and fear, she almost didn’t dare to breathe as the voices came closer.

“I don’t know if we can leave before someone sees us,” she whispered back. Her voice was scratchy and barely audible, but it was enough for Anders to quietly nod.

Anders’ arm around her tightened slightly. “Leave the talking to me,” he murmured. “It is not like we don’t have good reason to be here, no need to panic.”

At least there was no more stray magic flowing around the room anymore. Cassia took a deep breath, still avoiding to look at her mother directly as she nodded. Just in that moment, one of the voices became clearer, and some of the tension immediately fell off her.

Cullen. 

“Check the entrance again, Lieutenant,” came his voice loud and clear. “The Guard Captain said this place was abandoned, but let’s not take any chances.”

“Of course, Ser,” a female voice answered before Cassia could hear someone walk back outside.

She was about to call out to him when Cullen rounded the corner, only to stop dead in his tracks the second he noticed them. His face fell, the carefully guarded expression he had worn before giving way to sheer panic as he rushed towards her.

“Cassia!”

It was only then that Cassia realized just what a picture she probably made, huddled against the wall with Anders, her clothes torn and bloody in a room that looked like… Her breath hitched as her mind refused to finish the though for a moment. _Like someone had been flayed alive in it._

Cullen was already kneeling beside her, a careful hand in her hair. He looked visibly shaken as he spoke again.

“Thank the Maker! I was beside myself with worry when Aveline showed up in the Gallows this morning, telling me what happened. Telling me they were still looking for you…”

Cassia reached out for him, her hand coming to rest on his vambrace, the cold metal feeling strangely soothing under her touch. 

“I’m…” she trailed off.

“Don’t even try to say that you are fine,” Anders said from the side with a shake of his head. “You are not. We should get you out of here and home, so the templars can do their job, and I can do mine.”

Cullen tore his eyes away from her to look at Anders. “You went looking for her?”

Anders simply nodded. “Right after we lost her. We’ve…” He let out a sigh as he looked around for a small moment. “We have been here a while,” was all he finally said in explanation.

“I’ll tell my Lieutenant to take over the investigation, and then we can get you out of here,” Cullen said, focused back on her. 

Cassia swallowed, taking a deep breath as she did her best to avoid looking at anything she might still see behind him. “Yes, I think I need to go home,” she whispered. She could feel his gloved hand on her cheek, gently holding her before he nodded and got up.

As he hurried towards the entrance, informing the other templar, Anders rose, holding out a hand to help her. As he pulled her up, Cassia felt her legs shake and her whole body tremble. Her vision swam for a moment as everything around her seemed to get slightly darker. The dull pain that had been a constant companion throughout the night became sharper and more pronounced by the second. 

“You are in pain,” Anders noted, obviously having seen something on her face. Cassia suppressed a groan, holding on to his arm as he carefully guided her out of the foundry again.

“It’s nothing,” she got out between shaky breaths. “I probably pulled something.” There was no other reason to worry after all. The fight had been over within minutes, her mother’s murderer had been bound, not even able to get a single hit in. Cassia clenched her teeth together as a flare of pain went through her with every step. She tried to ignore the weird darkness in the corner of her eye as she looked down at her torn clothes. “Maybe sitting on a hard floor in puddles of blood is not the best way to spend the night,” she tried to gloss over her obvious discomfort.

The sharp breath he sucked in made her attention snap to Anders’ face in an instant, following his shocked look as he drew back his hand that had been steadying her. It was wet with blood. 

“That can’t be right,” she murmured, trying to make sense of it all. They had sat there all night. The blood she had gotten all over here should have dried hours ago. Confused, she tried to find Anders’ face again, but the blackness seemed to close in around her. There was a second pair of hands on her, steadying her. Was Cullen back? Cassia couldn't quite make out who was talking to her anymore. Distantly, she heard someone call her name before the darkness engulfed her completely.


	9. The Pain Of Our Making

The warm darkness that had embraced Adriene in sleep parted slowly. There was a comforting heaviness around her that was unfamiliar, and she woke with a start. Over the last few months, she had become so used to feeling nothing but emptiness and grey fog between her and the world that the hot rush of emotion running through her now was nearly painful. For a second, she was unsure where she was, then the memories rushed back.

 _Wet dark red upon a dirty veil, empty eyes, a final breath, steps running away from her_ , _Cassia!_

Tears sprung to her eyes and she gasped for air, struggling to sit up, but before she could start to panic, a soothing hand splayed over her stomach, and she felt someone move next to her.

“Shh,” she heard Isabela’s voice, whispering over her skin like warm water. “It’s alright. You’re not alone.”

The careful touch and soft voice took the edge off the pain, and Adriene sank back into the bed and into Isabela’s embrace without thinking, wiping a hand over her eyes, her heart clenching painfully as she tried to control her feelings. As she tried to unsee the images her mind conjured. The memories.

_Her mother. The necromancer. The magic exploding from Cassia while Adriene was unable to move, holding on to her dead mother. The screaming, the—_

“You’re not alone,” Isabela whispered again, pulling her back to reality. “We’re here.”

Her arms tightened around Adriene, soothing, grounding her, and slowly, Adriene’s breath calmed down. The touch kept her from falling back into the nightmare that was the last night. It took her a moment to remember that Isabela was not the only one with her. Blinking into the morning light, she saw Fenris look at her with soft eyes. Only now did she realize that her legs were entangled with his, and the tightness around her heart eased even more. She took a deep breath as she looked from him to Isabela, focusing on the feeling of being in their arms, of being close to them. ‘This is as it should be,’ she thought, warmth and longing spreading through her. This felt _right_ in a way nothing had felt right before. Isabela was caressing her hair, pressing a kiss to Adriene’s temple as she murmured soothing words. Fenris’ hand was holding hers, and the touches spread a comforting calmness through her. 

“You stayed,” she whispered.

Fenris just nodded, his eyes burning into hers. Slowly, tenderly, he intertwined their fingers. It was a gesture she remembered only too well from their shared night, and her heart did a hopeful stumble. Isabela’s hand was still on her stomach, holding her close, and Adriene trembled under her touch. She could feel something shift ever so slightly inside her as she turned her head to look at Bela, a desperate longing in her eyes.

“Distract me?” she asked softly, pleadingly.

Isabela stilled as she looked at her, her lips opening slightly as her fingers curled on Adriene’s body, inadvertently pulling at her tunic and exposing a sliver of skin. The fabric whispered over Adriene’s skin, sending a shiver over her.

“Seagull…” she started, trailing off as Adriene looked back to Fenris and pulled his hand to her lips, pressing a kiss onto his palm. He sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes darkening at the intimate gesture. Adriene closed her eyes as she nestled her cheek into his hand, banishing every other thought but the feeling of their bodies against her. She could taste the tension between them like lightning on her tongue.

“Adriene…” Fenris breathed, his hand wandering from her cheek to her neck where his fingers curled in her hair.

Adriene opened her eyes again, moving slightly between them. On some level, she knew that this, searching for intimacy now, was a bad idea. That with what had happened between her and Fenris last year, with Isabela’s careful rejection of anything beyond passion, and with all the unspoken emotions so tangible in their every interaction and the events of the day before, they should stop this. Now. But she couldn’t, she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to think about anything else but the warmth in her heart and the heat on her skin at their touches.

Her hand came onto Isabela’s, pressing her closer, wordlessly asking for more as she looked from her to Fenris, a silent plea in her eyes. _Please_ . She wanted to forget all the horrors clawing at her, but she also wanted to pretend. Pretend for one moment that this was her life, this feeling of protection and safety and _love_. Her heart started to race at the thought, but she pushed it away.

“Please,” she whispered, nearly desperate in her plea for more intimacy to ground herself. To have some hint of happiness to cling to. “Make me forget.” Isabela’s hand had inched beneath the hem of her tunic, the promise of a caress, but now it stilled. “Make me forget,” she repeated hoarsely as she looked up at her.

“No.”

The word was harsh, cold in its sharp clearness, cutting through the tension like a knife.

Adriene froze, looking at Isabela in shock. Her friend pulled the tunic back in place and touched her cheek with a shake of her head.

“No, seagull, we really shouldn’t,” she said softly, easing something of the bite of her words. “Not now. Not like this.”

It was as if someone had thrown her into cold water. Fenris pulled his hand back, putting a little distance between them, a look of guilt on his face. Adriene swallowed hard as she sank back into the pillows, trying in vain to blink the sudden tears away. For a second, she wanted to protest, to plead… anything to get the warmth around her heart back. But Isabela’s words had forced open the door that she had shut over the emotions and thoughts lurking in the shadows of her mind. And now, they flooded her with painful clarity.

_Her mother, lying mutilated and dead in the dirt of Kirkwall’s underbelly. The bits and pieces that were all that was left from the murderer dropping from the wall. Her sister, fleeing from the horror of the underground shrine._

Adriene hadn’t even checked if Cassia was back.

She forced in a breath against the scream she felt in her throat, then she sat up abruptly, pushing herself away from Fenris and Isabela to the edge of the bed. She pressed the heels of her hand against her burning eyes, wiping the tears away, _willing_ them to stop. Breathing hurt, but she managed to do it without sobbing. She felt a hand on her shoulder and shook it off.

“You’re right,” Adriene said tonelessly, staring into the room. After a moment of heavy silence, her eyes flickered to Fenris who looked at her with something close to devastation in his gaze. “You were right before. When you left. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. It’s too much.”

Again, Isabela laid a careful hand on her arm, but this time, Adriene didn’t react, just shook her head.

“It’s too much,” she repeated barely audible.

Oh, how she wished for the grey fog to return, to find that distance to her emotions again. But instead, they seemed to rush her with even greater force. All the guilt and pain and fear and horror seemed so close that she felt like she could physically grab them if she only knew how. And above it all, the heaviness of grief and loss weighed on her soul, painting everything in too-bright colors and sharp edges. 

“This never should have happened. You shouldn’t have stayed. And I shouldn’t have asked you to… I’m sorry.”

The words hung in the air, cutting through the last shreds of intimacy and closeness and shattering every illusion of hope and love, and Isabela’s hand fell down from her arm. Adriene’s heart broke a bit more as she watched her sit back again and lay a hand on Fenris’ shoulder seemingly without even realizing she was doing it.

“Adriene,” Fenris started, shaking his head, “that is…”

“No, really, you were right,” she interrupted him. “You were both right to stay away from me, and I am sorry that I didn’t see it sooner. It was foolish of me to…” She trailed off, closing her eyes against the renewed sting of tears, and quickly stood up. Foolish of her to have thought she could let go of her duties for even a moment. Foolish of her to have thought this intimacy, this love could have been hers. But at least Isabela and Fenris could have each other.

“Forgive me,” she said softly. “You know the way out by yourselves.”

With that, she turned around and left them behind.

* * *

Cassia felt herself drifting in and out of consciousness. Worried voices. Someone picking her up. The world moving around her. A hushed whisper trying to calm her down when she tried to speak, trying to ask what was going on. Her eyelids were so heavy she couldn’t muster the energy to even try and open her eyes again. When she finally did, just as she felt herself being laid down onto something, it was to a completely different view. And for a blissful, confused moment, she didn’t remember a single thing. The pillows around here were soft and a faint ray of light fell through the cracks in the curtains onto the bed. Her bed. If she really tried, it felt almost like every other morning. Almost. For a second, she considered closing her eyes again. To pretend just a while longer that everything was alright, but a shadow next to her caught her attention.

“Don’t move,” came Anders’ voice with an urgency that made her immediately stop turning her head. Just a second too late, it seemed. The slightest movement sent bouts of pain through her entire body. As if every muscle had been overworked, every joint bent just a little too much. Even her skin felt raw, overly sensitive to the fabric and weight of her clothes. Instinctively, she tried getting into an upright position, only to feel almost blinded by the pain it caused. With a groan, she fell back onto her pillow as the memories of the night before came back all at once. The foundry, the blood, the magic. Her eyes were burning all of a sudden, but she couldn’t feel any tears actually forming.

There was still someone next to her. A voice. Cullen. 

“What is wrong?” 

He sounded even more worried than before. 

From a distance, she could hear a much smaller voice crying out. _Maia._ Out of reflex, she tried to sit up again, only to be firmly pushed back down.

“Don’t move!” Anders repeated firmly before addressing Cullen again.

“Go, take care of your child,” he urged, and Cassia knew from the tension she could see in Cullen that everything in him was resisting to leave her side.

“He is right,” she added from between clenched teeth. “Anders can fix me, but Maia…” Her breath hitched as fragments from the night before trickled through her mind. “She shouldn't see me like this, please!” Her last words seemed to do the trick, and Cullen drew in a sharp breath. 

“Alright,” he nodded with a frown on his face. “But you call for me the second you think I can help!” He paused for a moment before hurrying out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him. Seconds later, she could hear him try and calm their daughter. 

Anders was already busy checking her over. Cassia knew he was as gentle as he could be, but still, even his lightest touch made her clench her teeth.

“Something is wrong,” he murmured. “Cassia, I need to figure out how hurt you are and where. Can you tell me what hurts the most?” She could see in his eyes that he was already going over possibilities in his head as he looked her over.

“Everything really,” Cassia sighed, frustrated about being unable to give him a better answer. “Whatever I did yesterday in… that place, I think it did something.” She remembered the feeling of something breaking, the magic bursting out of her like never before. “It feels a bit like everything inside me is bruised.”

With careful touches, Anders checked her for any visible injuries, and Cassia tried to keep as still as possible, breathing through the worst of it as she flinched under almost every single touch. A sharp intake of air had her immediately wincing even more at the pain it caused her.

Anders suddenly looked even more concerned. His hands went to the front of her dress as he briefly paused to wait for her consent. When she nodded, he went ahead, carefully pulling at the blood-crusted laces that held her dress together. He let out a sharp gasp at what he saw underneath. The look of worry in his eyes got stronger and stronger the longer he was busy. When Cassia looked down, she could see why. Her skin didn’t just feel bruised, it actually was. Much more than she had ever been before. Large, purple spots seemed to be all over her body, parts of her hip were definitely swollen. When he pressed down onto her lower ribs, a cry of pain left her lips. 

“What in the Maker’s name?” Anders mumbled to himself, looking floored as he took in her state. “How did this even happen?”

Cassia closed her eyes for a bit, breathing through the sharp pain in her ribcage that still resonated through her. “I am not sure,” she groaned between deep breaths. “There was so much magic. I never…” She paused, forcing her eyes open to not see the same pictures over and over again. 

Anders was still trying to assess the range of her injuries, trying to put the pieces together. “The Magebane,” he suddenly sighed as something about this started to make sense to him. “I was afraid of something happening, but not like this...”

“The Magebane?” It took Cassia a few seconds to follow along before it dawned on her. Suddenly, she felt even more stupid than the last time they had talked about this. A cold fear started clawing its way through her as she thought back to his warnings. Back to the pure feeling of happiness she had felt only a day ago, the memory of that feeling breaking apart like glass shattering on the floor. She gave him a fearful look. “Anders, everything hurts...”

“I know,” he tried to calm her, “I am going to take care of you, alright?”

Despite the pain screaming through her head at the movement, Cassia shook her head, hissing at the sting as her hand carefully settled on her belly. “No, Anders, _everything_ hurts!” Part of her wanted to ask more directly, wanted to shout at him to check on her baby, but the mere thought alone made her throat close up. 

Anders seemed to understand her regardless and he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to keep his composure before he got up.

“Stay right where you are, move as little as possible,” he ordered. “I am going to get bandages, your potion kit, some things I need from your kitchen, and then we are trying to find out just how bad this is and how to help you, alright?”

Cassia had followed his movements with her eyes as she tried to hold herself together with everything she had. A small sliver of relief went through her at his insistence that she shouldn’t move, should just stay where she was. She wasn’t sure she could even try to do anything else.

“Alright,” she agreed, letting her eyes fall closed again before any tears could fall. “I’ll wait. It’s not like I feel like going anywhere right now.” Cassia tried to make her voice sound light, joking even, but it came out sounding strangely hollow.

She felt him cover her with a thin blanket, as gently as possible. “I’ll be back in no time.” With those words, Anders was gone, the door closing behind him.

Cassia wasn’t sure if she had passed out again or if he just really didn’t take much time, but when Anders was back at her bed, it seemed like he had only left a moment ago. 

“Cullen has sent Orana to Adriene with word that we found you and that I am treating you,” he explained. “She worried about you a lot last night.” 

Guilt went to war with the overwhelming dread inside Cassia at the thought of how she had left Adriene behind the night before. She should have stayed right next to her, should have been helping her. With a sigh, she waited for Anders to prepare whatever supplies he brought up. 

“You need to fix me, Adriene is going to need my help…” Cassia didn’t even know where they would have to start, but there had to be all sorts of things one had to do in their situation. A funeral. Writing to their siblings. The house… Cassia’s throat closed up as she willed down more tears that welled up at the thought of her sister now being alone in a house that had been supposed to be filled with their entire family once upon a time.

“Cassia, try to stay calm,” Anders’ voice pulled her out of those thoughts, as he took away the blanket again, settling next to her on the bed. “I got you, you know that! But first, I need to see how bad it is.” He glanced at the potion kit he had brought with him. “When was the last time you’ve taken anything? A regular potion, Magebane, anything at all?” he asked, his hands hovering over her.

“I didn’t take anything, not since before the last time I was in your clinic,” Cassia said. 

“Not even a lyrium potion?” Anders looked at her curiously. “I’d assumed you’d taken several before that display in the foundry.”

She shook her head, careful to not hurt herself further. “No, nothing at all.”

There was something in his eyes that made Cassia swallow. Something besides the worry she could read plainly from his every look. Fear. From his hesitation, she was suddenly not sure anymore if it was because of the state she was in or because of what he had witnessed her do. It wasn’t something she wanted to know right now.

“Alright,” Anders said simply. “Then my magic shouldn’t interact strangely with anything and should not hurt you. I am going to check you thoroughly, trying to assess what is causing all that pain you are in, alright?”

“Go ahead,” Cassia nodded. The unease in her eyes belied her false bravado.

As soon as he had her consent, magic started to flow from his fingertips into her, a faint glow hovering around his hands as he carefully moved them along over her entire body. Cassia tried her best to not read too much into his face. It was a concentrated mask at first, making it easy for her to feel like everything was going to be just fine. The longer he worked, though, that mask started to chip away, and Cassia felt herself getting more and more anxious at what she could see in his eyes. She had to pull herself together. Crying and despairing would do nobody any good after all. Her mother would never have… Cassia gasped, both from the pain in her ribs and the thoughts in her head. She couldn’t even dare to imagine what her mother would feel, would think about her now. Not if she wanted to be strong. She _needed_ to be strong after all. Like Adriene. Adriene wouldn’t wallow in her own misery. She wouldn’t cry and let herself be pitied. Her sister would grind her teeth, crack an inappropriate joke, and push through. Adriene wouldn’t let the fear take over and neither could Cassia. 

When Anders finally stopped, he closed his eyes briefly, letting out a tensely held breath.

“That bad, huh?” she tried to joke, but the scratchiness in her voice betrayed her. 

When Anders looked at her again, she could see his eyes were full of sorrow. “You Hawke women with your tendency to completely disregard your own health will be the death of me one day,” he said, shaking his head. “It feels like there isn’t a part of you at all that isn’t severely hurt.” He pulled the box of potions closer, rummaging around in it, getting several flasks out. Uncorking the first one, he helped her up a little bit, until she could comfortably drink. “For the pain,” he explained. “Treating you is going to take a while, and it might not be very pleasant in between.”

With a worried glance, she downed the contents of the small flask. It tasted like the more potent version of a pain relief potion. “So, lay it on me, what is actually wrong with me then?” she asked, the bitter aftertaste of the potion leaving her mouth dry.

“What isn’t wrong,” he murmured before fixing her with a very serious look. “What I think has happened is that the Magebane suppressed your magic, but since the magic was still there, it started to… fight back? I think that is how one could put it. You have been taking Magebane almost every day until the day before yesterday, yes?”

Cassia nodded, staying otherwise silent.

“It must have built up. And when you used your magic again yesterday, after so much suppression… well, imagine a dam breaking. The water being your magic, the Magebane the dam, and your body being the original shore, swept away by the flood.” 

Her eyes had fallen shut with resignation as she listened. Whenever she had thought of possible side-effects, it had never been something like this. This wasn’t supposed to happen. “Fuck,” she whispered quietly. Yesterday, he had calmed her, assuring her that she hadn’t made a complete mess out of things. It seemed that for once, even Anders’ ever-present optimism had been severely misplaced. Her voice sounded small, close to breaking as she spoke. “Can you… can you still fix me?”

One of his hands grasped hers, holding it tightly, and he smiled at her encouragingly. But something wasn’t right, Cassia could clearly see it. The smile didn’t reach his eyes at all. They still held a look of deep sorrow when he answered.

“I can help, fix most of the damage. Get rid of the pain.” He sounded assuring, but Cassia was getting nervous. “You’ll need a lot of rest, no working for a while, no strenuous activity. And most of all: absolutely no Magebane or anything remotely similar, no potions that you haven’t cleared with me first.” He gave her an imploring look, the squeeze of his hand around hers emphasizing just how serious he was about this. “But even with all this, there are injuries I can’t… I can’t fix, Cassia.”

Even though she had seen this coming from the moment he had started to explain everything to her, the reality of his words sinking in tore through her with an unforeseen force. She held her breath, afraid, scared to ask what that would mean. As if she didn’t know already. But something in her was desperate as she held on to his hand with an iron grip. 

“Cassia,” Anders sighed deeply.

She shook her head, not caring about the tears welling up anymore. “No…” she whispered in a broken voice. “Please don’t say it. Please!”

The pain in his eyes mirrored her own as he sighed again. “Cassia, I have to.” He didn’t let go of her as he spoke softly, “I can heal your injuries, your bruises. But the magic seems to have done a lot of damage. You can see it on your skin, but what you can’t see is how much damage it did on the inside.” 

He had felt it though, Cassia thought, as he had checked her over. He must have felt every bit through his healing magic. “There is a lot of internal bleeding, damaged organs, I think a couple of cracked ribs,” he went on. “Most of that I can fix, too, but… Cassia, I am so sorry!” He held her hand a little tighter, his other hand settling low on her stomach. “Even with all my healing magic, all the potions I can give you, there is just too much damage.” 

_‘I begged you not to say it!’_ a voice inside her head nearly screamed, but there was nothing coming out of her mouth. All Cassia could do was look at him, trying to breathe through the pain that seemed to dim everything around them.

Slowly, Cassia blinked, trying to find anything to hold on to. There was nothing at all she could grasp, and for a moment, she felt like she was falling as his words were slowly sinking in.

Cassia had always known the power of words. She knew the amount of damage she could do with them. But nothing had ever prepared her for the realization that one single sentence, said with the utmost care and compassion, would rip her apart more thoroughly than any magic, then any weapon could. 

She tried to speak, to say _anything_ really, but the words had deserted her completely as she struggled to make sense of what was happening. What was she supposed to do now? Cry probably. People cried when they were sad after all. Or should she be relieved that she herself was still alive and that it sounded like he could fix everything else at least?

Everything except what mattered most.

A hot spike of anger ran through her. _Everything except what mattered most._

But when she looked at Anders’ pained expression, the anger turned into almost suffocating remorse. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t magically fix something that she herself had broken. He wasn’t responsible for any of this. 

She was.

The emotions running through Cassia changed so quickly, so irrationally that she wasn’t sure if she felt everything at once or nothing at all anymore. 

“Oh,” was all she finally got out, her voice sounding hollow.

“I am so sorry, Cassia,” Anders said again. “This can’t be easy to process. I can’t even imagine…” He stopped himself from saying anything more as he saw the anguish on her face. “I will start repairing what I can now, alright?” 

Cassia could only nod weakly, her head too full with thoughts, feelings, and regrets to say anything else. The potion from earlier was slowly starting to take effect, and she started to feel a bit drowsy.

“What I’ll have to do will be uncomfortable,” he added softly. “And probably still painful, despite the potion. I’ll get Cullen back in here, so you have someone to hold on to while I work.”

“No!” Cassia got out forcefully, her arm shooting forward to hold Anders in place and keep him from leaving as she pulled herself into an almost sitting position. She let out a hiss at the pain shooting through her again.

“Cassia, you need the support, and he needs to know,” Anders tried to calm her down, but Cassia shook her head again, clinging to him with all her might.

“I…” Her voice had become almost a whisper. “I hadn’t even told him the good news yet. There was no time. I was going home to tell them, to tell everyone when...”

Understanding spread over Anders’ face. “Oh Cassia,” he murmured quietly as he carefully held her close. “I am so, so sorry!” He sighed again. “I still think he needs to know, though.”

Cassia knew he was right, but it didn’t help with her feeling like someone was slowly suffocating her. “I can’t put him through this! How am I even supposed to tell him?” she asked weakly. “Yesterday, everything was fine, perfect even, and now I have to tell him that I…” A shudder ran through her at the thought. “That my carelessness, that _I_ killed a child he didn’t even know existed yet?”

The moment the words were out, Cassia wished she could take them back. If knowing it had already caused her unspeakable pain, hearing it out loud in her own voice was like pouring oil into a fire. Anders’ arms tensed around her.

“You didn’t!” he said, still quietly but with a steely resolve behind his words. “It was an accident. A horrible, unthinkable accident, but you didn’t know!”

He sounded like he believed it, and Cassia wished desperately that she could take even a sliver of that belief onto herself as she shook her head. But she knew he was only partly right. It had been an accident. But that didn’t mean that it hadn’t been her fault. Everything that had led up to it had been her doing after all. And sooner or later, she would have to tell Cullen this. 

_‘If your family gets hurt, it will not be because of me. It will be your doing in the end. Your lack of control.’_

A quiet sob shook through her as the words of the fear demon were suddenly front and center in her mind. Cullen deserved to know. He needed to know what kind of person he had let into his life. But the thought of telling him sent a completely new fear through her she had never felt before. He had accepted her magic into his life, worked on overcoming his prejudices for her, even through all her struggles with staying in control. A shiver went through her at the thought that she had made him get her the supplies she had needed for her potion experiments. How he had insisted she’d check in with Anders, and how she had, in a way, even lied to him about that when she had no intention of following through. She remembered how they had talked about having more children. Some time far away in the future. 

For a moment, Cassia could see it clearly. How they had carefully built something together, and how her own hubris had led her to tear it apart at the seams. He needed to know. But Cassia was terrified with what it could mean if he did. She had taken something out of the equation. Taken something away from their future. And something from their present he didn’t even know was missing yet, and Cassia wasn’t sure just what that left them with. 

“I can’t tell him,” she said finally. “I know I have to, and I will, but just… not now?” She gave Anders an imploring look. “I just need to get through this first. Please don’t make me tell him now. Let me…” _‘Let me keep all that remains for just a little bit longer please.’_

“Shh, it’s alright,” Anders said, his tone as soothing as his arms around her. “I understand. You can tell him later, alright? Just let me help you first.”

It took several more moments for Cassia to realize he was agreeing with her before she could let go of some of her tension and relax into his arms. “Thank you,” she murmured quietly.

“Don’t thank me yet,” Anders said, steering the conversation back to what still had to happen next. “I was not kidding when I said this will be neither painless nor comfortable. You are going to curse me to the Void in a few moments.” There was a tired half-smile on his face, and Cassia appreciated the attempt of lightening the mood at least somewhat.

“Maybe that will be at least a distraction then,” she murmured, not quite able to mirror his smile back at him.

Anders scoffed. “Some distraction!” But his voice immediately turned gentle again. “I can also give you something to make you fall asleep right now,” he said, looking over to her potion supplies. “I could mix something up quickly.”

“I appreciate it, but we both know this is much easier for you if I am awake and can answer you when you need to know how things feel.” Not that the thought of simply going to sleep wasn’t immensely tempting to her.

“You are right, but you’ve also been through a lot. I could make it work,” he offered again, but Cassia only shook her head.

“I’m not made out of glass, I will live.”

“Alright,” he finally agreed. “We could probably wait a few more moments until Adriene gets here or at least until Orana is back. Then...” He hesitated briefly before continuing, “then Cullen could still be with you. Even if we don’t tell him everything right now.”

Cassia looked at her bedroom door. The simple piece of wood felt almost like a safeguard against all the things that seemed nearly impossible for her face. The thought of it flying open and someone, anyone really, rushing into her room, trying to comfort her through this made her feel worse by the second. She shook her head.

“No. You’re here, that’s enough,” she said firmly. Her next thought made her face twitch in a grimace as she felt something in her throat. The unfitting, ugly sound of desperate laughter.

Anders drew back, looking at her with renewed worry.

“The absolute absurdity of this situation,” Cassia started, wiping a stray tear from her face. “I am sitting here, and all I really want is my mom…”

A sad smile was on Anders’ face. “I think you are still very lucky. To have her as long as you did I mean.” Carefully he lowered her back down. “And when the pain fades, that’s what will matter. I promise you!”

She could do nothing but nod silently, closing her eyes as he prepared to heal her. 

The fear about her future, that had been so blissfully quiet the past few months, was back with a vengeance. No more Magebane, he had said. And Cassia wished she wouldn’t understand only too well now why. She had been so naive, thinking she could easily fix all her problems with a little bottle. Now it had backfired, leaving her even more broken than before and with absolutely no idea how to handle her magic from now on. How to imagine a future for herself now. Yesterday, the thought had felt slightly worrying, but she had been full of optimism. That she would find a different solution. She had to after all. Now, the nagging feeling about not being worth the trouble was back, and it was no longer nagging, it was screaming at her in the back of her mind. 

A moment later, her mind went blank. Anders had warned her, but she had underestimated just what he meant when saying it would be painful and uncomfortable. Her hands burrowed themselves into the mattress as she felt him work. When she opened her mouth, all that came out was a scream.

A scream that was well heard from the other side of the door.

Cullen was ripped out of his thoughts running in circles as Maia flinched in his arms and, startled by the noise, joined her mother’s cry. He had just picked her up when he had noticed that the door to the bedroom had still been slightly open. Wanting to give Cassia all the quiet that she needed, he had started to close it gently when the words he could hear clearly from inside had made his blood run cold. For a moment, he wanted nothing more than to storm inside the bedroom, take her into his arms and never let go, but his heart quietly broke as he heard her next words.

_‘I just need to get through this first. Please don’t make me tell him now. Let me…’_

Lost, he looked at Maia before holding her closer, gently calming her down again.

“You would have loved a little sister or a little brother, wouldn’t you?” he murmured quietly into her hair as he moved away from the door. Cassia wanted him to, no, _needed_ him to stay away for now. He couldn’t think of a single reason why she would not want him to hold her, to help her through this, but she had been through enough, he decided. If she needed to be alone for now, he would be damned if he let his own feelings be more important than that right now. A peculiar feeling of intangible grief settled over him as he went into the kitchen and closed the door behind them, giving both himself and his daughter a reprieve from the painful sounds coming from the bedroom. 

Maia seemed to have recovered from her brief scare, a smile back on her face, and Cullen sighed. “We are going to be there for your mom, when she wants us to, alright?” 

It didn’t matter that there was no understanding in her bright eyes as she laughed at nothing in particular. The happy look on her face had to be enough. Something to hold on to for now. 


	10. Through Blackest Night

Adriene was still in the bathroom, already dressed in her darkest clothes, when she heard her bedroom door open, then Isabela and Fenris’ footsteps fading down the hall. From downstairs, she could hear them talking to Bodhan, then the house fell silent again.

Silence.

She’d have to get used to it.

Adriene stared at her reflection in the mirror, the greyish tint of her skin upon which her freckles stood like dark stains. There were still water drops on her cheeks, the green eyes red-rimmed from too many tears. Carefully, she plucked a wet, dark strand from her face, trailing her finger over her skin to her temple where Isabela had kissed her. Where Fenris had cupped her cheek.

Where her mother had touched her before her hand had fallen down with leaden heaviness.

A hot tear fell from her lashes and ran down her cheek, then another, and she quickly closed her eyes. Adriene balled her trembling fingers to a fist, her head falling forward until her hair framed her face like a curtain, as if it could shield herself from the rest of the world. From everything that happened. It didn’t help. Of course it didn’t help. With a choked sound, she slammed her fist down on the washing table, hard, the sharp pain as the skin over her knuckles split upon impact a welcome distraction from the anguish inside her.

Her mother was dead.

_ Dead. _

And she pined after two people who didn’t want her. Despicable! How could she even think about this right now?! If Isabela hadn’t stopped her, she would be having sex right now, would lose herself in the arms of the people who had told her they didn’t want her. On the morning after her mother’s murder!

Her mother had been right. She was no better than Gamlen. No better than the drunken whore their neighbors thought she was.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” she whispered into the empty room, her voice hoarse as more tears fell. “I’ll be better.”  _ I’ll be more. _ “From now on, I’ll be the daughter you wanted, not the one you have.”

“Lady Adriene!” Bodhan’s voice made her look up. There was an urgency to it that made every muscle in her body tense, and with a few quick steps, she was out of the bathroom. He was waiting in the hall for her, relief on his face as he saw her.

“It’s Orana, messere. They found Lady Cassia.”

Barely a half-hour later, Adriene followed Orana into Cassia and Cullen’s house.

Cullen greeted her and ushered her into the kitchen before she could even say a word while Orana went into the living room where Maia played.

“How is she?” Adriene burst out as soon as he had closed the door behind them.

“Anders is taking care of her,” he answered. “It’s… There was a lot of blood.” His voice broke, and he looked quickly to the side, clearing his throat.

A dark feeling settled deep into Adriene’s stomach, and she took a step towards him, reaching to lay a trembling hand on his arm.  _ Oh Maker. _

“That bad?” Her voice was toneless as if it belonged to someone else.

“I… I found her with Anders in the foundry this morning.”

“She went back?!” Adriene stared at him with wide eyes, her hand tightening on his arm. There still was a haze about the events of the night, but there was one thing she only remembered too well — how utterly useless she had been. How frozen, how broken. If she had only stayed, she would have found her, she would have been there, if only she had been able to  _ function… _

“Adriene, you’re here.”

Cullen and Adriene both looked to the door to see Anders come in with a serious, tired expression on his face, cleaning his hands on a cloth that had too much blood on it for Adriene’s taste. Immediately, Cullen started towards him.

“How is she?” he asked, a mix of despair and fear in his voice.

“She is out of danger,” Anders said calmly.

“Oh thank the Maker,” Adriene muttered, something of the dark weight on her chest easing. She sat down heavily on a chair before her legs could give way beneath her.

“Cassia is asleep and should stay that way for another few hours,” Anders continued in that soothing, precise voice he had when speaking to a patient. “She will need rest for quite a while.” He hesitated for a moment, looking from Cullen to Adriene, then he added carefully, “She was badly hurt. Healing will take some time.”

Cullen nodded gravely. There was a greenish tint on his face.

“But…” Adriene started, and both men turned to look at her. She stared at Anders. “What happened? She was fine when she… wasn’t she fine? I thought—” She broke off. Had she been so out of it, so incompetent that she had missed the necromancer not only killing her mother but hurting her sister, too?!

“It was the magic,” Anders explained quietly. “Very powerful magic gone astray through her body. The extent of her injuries wasn’t obvious until this morning.”

Cullen abruptly turned away, walking a few steps towards the window and stared outside. A heavy silence settled in the room, only disturbed by Maia's happy giggle from the other room. Adriene looked unhappily at Cullen’s back, at the tension in his shoulders and closed her eyes against the sudden sting of tears.  _ Andraste guide us, _ she thought, her grief and desperation heavy and black inside her. There was nothing they could say that would make this better. Magic, blood magic, necromancy had hurt the person he loved most. With what had happened to him in the past, they would be lucky if he didn’t change his mind about helping them.

But that was something for the future. For when Cassia was well again.

A hand on her shoulder made her look up.

“Are you alright?” Anders asked softly.

Adriene just shrugged. “Sure.” Her words were very quiet as she amended, “Or at least I will be.”

She laid her hand upon his and gave it a squeeze, then she stood up and walked over to Cullen. Now that she knew that Cassia was out of danger, it was time to keep her promise to Bodhan, to herself. It was time to take care of the things that needed to be done, to make sure that what was left of this family had time to heal, to grieve while she kept them safe. She had done it once, she could do it again. Carefully, she touched Cullen’s shoulder, and he turned his head towards her.

“You take care of Cassia,” she said in a voice that was more steady than she had feared. “And tell her not to worry, I’ll take care of everything else.”

“Everything else…” Cullen repeated, then his eyes widened suddenly, and he turned fully towards her. “Adriene, I’m sorry. With what happened to Cassia, I nearly forgot…”

He made a clumsy movement as if he wasn’t sure whether to reach for her. Without thinking, Adriene stepped closer and unceremoniously wrapped her arms around him. It took only a second, then he returned the embrace, his arms tight around her as a shiver ran through him.

“I am so sorry,” he murmured.

Adriene nodded, her head against his shoulder.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

His arms were steady and warm, and for a moment, she allowed herself to feel the safety they provided. Eventually, Adriene took a deep breath and stepped back. “I am sorry I didn’t protect her,” she said, her eyes meeting Cullen’s only for a split second before she had to look away again. “I’ll do better.”

From behind her, Anders interjected carefully, “There was nothing you could have done, Adriene. Believe me.”

But she didn’t answer. Instead, she said to Cullen, “I’ll come by tomorrow to visit Cassia.”

He only nodded.

“Do you need company?” Anders asked as she walked towards the door, and Adriene paused, looking at him.

_ Yes,  _ everything inside her screamed,  _ yes, please don’t make me do this alone. _

“No,” she said quietly, reaching for his hand. Her heart clenched as she saw how exhausted he looked. There were dark circles beneath his eyes, his gaze dull from exhaustion. “You need to rest, too. You took care of Cassia the whole night.”

“I can—”

“… fall asleep while standing up, that’s what you look like,” she interrupted him. “I can do this. I already did this once before, remember?” She hadn’t been alone back then, with Fenris at her side like a guardian; while she’d have to get through it by herself this time. She had no idea how she would do it, but she knew she had to.

Anders’ face fell, and she quickly squeezed his hand. “I meant I already know the next steps. Please, Anders. Go home. Rest.”

He hesitated for another moment, then he nodded. “I’ll come by later,” he said.

Adriene nodded without conviction, then she let go of his hand and silently left the house. She doubted that Anders would be able to keep his promise. The way he looked, she was pretty sure that his mana was completely depleted. Once he was in bed, she suspected that he’d sleep at least until the next morning until he was back to full strength.

For most of the day, Adriene spoke to the templars and the Guard, answering every question about the murderer they had. Thankfully, they seemed to believe the story that interrupting a blood magic spell had caused some unexpected reaction in which the necromancer was caught and eviscerated and which hurt her sister in the process. It was late afternoon already when she was back in the city.

As she walked through the streets, finding her way to the Chantry, she felt strangely calm. Focusing on one task after the other was good. It kept her from thinking of wrong movements and glassy eyes, of too much blood, and the lie that was her mother’s last words. Adriene’s hands started to tremble, and she quickly balled them to a fist and quickened her step.  _ Don’t think of that. Don’t think. Just focus. Focus on what to do next. _

The Chantry seemed even bigger than normal, the shadows deeper, and not even the many candles could warm the cool air. A shiver ran over Adriene’s skin as she walked inside. Thankfully, Aveline had taken care of informing those of their circle of friends who hadn’t heard yet, so she didn’t have to carry the burden of bearing the news.

“Hawke,” Sebastian greeted her warmly as she walked up to him, unceremoniously pulling her into an embrace. “I am so sorry,” he murmured before he let go again, and Adriene nodded, muttering her thanks.

Quickly blinking against the unwelcome sting in her eyes, she took a breath.

“Sebastian,” she said quietly, “I have something to ask of you.”

He nodded, laying a hand on her arm. “Of course. Do you want me to take care of the funeral arrangements again? I am happy to help,” he offered.

Adriene shook her head. “No, I…” she started, but her throat closed as she spoke. It took her a moment to be able to continue, and she cursed the way his disarming affection wormed its way through her defenses.  _ Just keep going.  _ “I wanted to ask if you would go to Amaranthine, and… tell Bethany and Carver what happened.” Her eyes were shimmering as she looked up at him. “There’s a ship leaving tomorrow, I already asked. I wish I could go myself, but with Cassia so hurt, and so much to do in the house and everything… and we cannot wait with the funeral. We cannot…” She trailed off, unable to form the words around the horror that encompassed her mother’s murder. How was she to describe the reasons without thinking too much?

Sebastian pressed her arm assuringly and waited until she had found her composure again. “Of course, Adriene,” he said softly.

“I am so sorry, I know it’s so much to ask. I’ll pay for the journey, of course, and I—” Adriene started, but Sebastian interrupted her.

“Please don’t feel bad about it,” he assured her, “and don’t concern yourself with the money. I am happy to do it. I have been thinking of going there for a while now, and if it helps you and Cassia, I will be on that ship. I promise.”

“Thank you,” Adriene whispered, but her quick smile was wavering and disappeared again immediately. “Will you be there for Bethy?” she asked quietly. “And Carver? Even though he will not want your help.”

Sebastian didn’t hesitate. “Of course I will.”

The preparations for Sebastian’s journey to Amaranthine kept Adriene going for the rest of the day and the following night. As expected, Anders did not come by; and neither did Isabela or Fenris. Not that she had expected any of them.

Instead, Varric came, and Merrill. Their presence carried Adriene through most of the evening and left her to return to her packing for the rest of the night.

Sebastian left Kirkwall the next day, carrying long letters and a box of things that Adriene knew Bethany would want to have with her. She had packed a few remembrances of Leandra’s as well. The letters carried the promise that she’d keep everything of their mother’s and that she would send anything Bethany or Carver wanted to have as quickly as possible. It also contained the plea to Bethany not to come back to Kirkwall for the foreseeable future. Adriene was sure that the templars would use the murder series to increase their vigilance even more, adding that on top of the ever-rising threat of the Qunari who had started to openly convert people.

They held the funeral only two days later. The Guard had found Leandra’s body with the mutilated remains of two other women. Someone — Adriene didn’t ask who and didn’t want to know — had taken the risen-and-dead-again body and returned each part to the woman it had belonged to, so they knew that what was wrapped in the funeral linens was really and only Leandra.

Despite her injuries, Cassia had insisted on being there as well, but she didn’t stay longer than the official ceremony before Cullen practically carried her back home to rest, Anders worriedly hurrying along. Adriene stayed to receive the words of condolences of their neighbors and friends, of the many people Leandra had helped during her time in Kirkwall. She didn’t know how much time passed, how long she exchanged platitudes and received well-meant and actually heartfelt condolences.

“It’s time to go, Twirly,” Varric said softly at one point, and Adriene realized that it was closer to morning than evening. The pyre had burned down, only ashes remaining that would be collected by Chantry sisters in the following day and brought to their home.

She found herself unable to answer and only nodded. Her eyes swept over the pyre without really seeing anything. They were the last ones left. Varric brought her home and put a blanket over her, then he left her to fall into the first exhausted sleep since the murder.

Adriene woke drenched in cold sweat and with a sore throat as if she had been screaming in her sleep. The house was deafeningly silent, and she stumbled desperately to the window to throw it open.  _ Sounds.  _ Let in the sounds from outside, anything that reminded her that she was no longer in the foundry. People walking about and talking, laughing. Birds. Hooves on the cobble. The jingle of armor as the Guard walked by.

She sank to the ground, her back against the wall, and put her face into her trembling hands. It had to be a joke, a cruel joke by the Maker, to deny her dreams for weeks, months even, and now haunt her every sleeping second with nightmarish pictures. The remains of the dream were still etched into her mind — the twitching, stumbling movements, a dead hand reaching for her. She sucked in a breath, then another, focusing on the sounds from outside and on the feeling of cool air on her skin until her hands stopped trembling. Where was that damned grey fog hiding the world and her emotions when she needed it?!

“Alright,” she whispered, wiping her damp hair out of her face, “alright. It’s day. Just another day. You’re fine. I’m fine.” With an effort, she pushed herself up. “Let’s do this.”

For a moment, she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, then she started what would become her routine for the next days and weeks.

Bath. Breakfast while going over the mail that had arrived. Training until her muscles trembled, then forcing herself to go even further. Lunch while answering letters. Visiting Cassia. Going around the neighborhood to pay the courtesy visits her mother used to pay. Busying herself with the jobs that were brought to her or scouring the Chanter’s board for new jobs. Finding something to eat between fights or visiting her friends to see if they needed help with anything. Pretending to come home at a reasonable hour so the neighbors wouldn’t talk and sneaking back out through the tunnel to Darktown. More jobs until she was so exhausted she could be certain she’d fall asleep the second her head hit the pillow. Start again the next morning.

It was a few days after the funeral that she came into the Hanged Man late one evening to check in with Varric. It was the first time since her mother’s murder.

“Hawke!” Corff’s face lit up as he saw her come in, and he quickly hurried towards her from behind the bar, clasping hands with her. “It’s good to see you. We’ve been worrying about you.”

“Corff. No need to worry,” she smiled, tired lines around her eyes.

He grunted something undecipherable, then turned around to the room. It was still packed, and a few people had already perked up at her arrival.

“Everyone!” he yelled, grabbing a beer tankard off a nearby table and banging it down until the ruckus died down. Adriene blinked in surprise. “Let’s give a cheer in honor of Leandra Hawke!”

Immediately, a roar went through the room, tankards and glasses were raised.

“Hear, hear!” — “To Lady Hawke!” — “Leandra!” — “Maker bless her soul!”

Adriene couldn’t do anything but stare at the room in disbelief as the people cheered and drank, giving her sympathetic smiles. It was only when Corff clapped her on the shoulder that she realized a treacherous tear had made its way down her cheek, and she quickly wiped at it, blinking the rest of them away.

“Lowtown don’t forget her own,” Corff told her, pretending not to notice her emotions. “And your mother did a lot of good for the people here. We lit a flame for her, and we’ll keep it burning.” He gestured towards a small brazier in one corner of the room. “Tonight’s round’s on the house. Same goes for your sister once she’s well again and can come. You’ll tell her, yes?”

“Of course I will,” Adriene muttered, her voice still thick with emotions.

“Here, your people are at their table.” Again, he clapped her on the shoulder, nodding towards the table in the back of the room where Isabela, Fenris, Merrill, Aveline, and Varric sat. “Same as usual for you?”

“Actually…” Adriene started, only to interrupt herself. She couldn’t very well tell him that she hadn’t planned on staying at all, could she? Not after… this. Corff raised his eyebrows, but she shook her head and gave him a smile. “No, you’re right. The usual. Thank you, Corff. Really.”

She was met with smiles and a tight hug by Merrill.

“It’s so good to see you,” her friend chirped, hugging her close. “We missed you here!”

Adriene smiled as she sat down between her and Aveline, nodding at Varric. Her eyes flickered over to Fenris and Isabela, her heart clenching. Fenris looked at her with a weird mix of sadness and weariness in his eyes. Isabela immediately reached over the table to take her hand, as if nothing had happened between them.

“Seagull, I’m glad you came,” she smiled, trying to interlace her fingers with Adriene’s. The touch was soft but insistent, and Adriene’s throat closed at the rush of nearly painful longing going through her. “I thought I’d have to come and carry you here myself to relax.”

For a second, Adriene closed her eyes, reminding herself that distance was good. Necessary. Her heart was beating painfully, and there was a strange feeling inside her that she couldn’t quite place. Carefully, she pulled her hand back, avoiding Bela’s eyes. “Well, to be honest, I hadn’t planned on staying.”

“Oh, come on, seagull,” Isabela said. Her voice was still cheerful. “Don’t say that, Corff’s already bringing you your drink. You can’t leave now, not before we’ve—”

“What, celebrated?” Adriene interrupted Bela sharply. “There’s nothing to celebrate, Isabela.” For a moment, their eyes met, long enough for Adriene to see the flash of pain on Bela’s face before she narrowed her eyes at Adriene in hurt anger.

For a second, an uncomfortable silence fell at the table, then Merrill lay her hand on Adriene’s arm. “She didn’t say anything about celebrating,” she said softly. “We wanted to make a toast to Leandra.”

Immediately, Adriene regretted snapping at Isabela, and her face fell. “I’m sorry,” she murmured, giving Bela a guilty look. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m sorry.”

Isabela’s smile was back in a second. “Don’t worry about it, seagull. It’s fine.”

Adriene nodded, smiling back.

They both knew the other’s smile was fake.

While her friends raised their glasses to Leandra, Adriene said all the correct things, smiled at the appropriate moments, and even laughed once or twice. It was an only too well-known routine, putting on a facade, one she had practiced daily since her mother’s death. But she felt just how brittle her mask actually was. It seemed to crumble with every look she caught from Fenris, with every smile Isabela sent her way.

Maker, how was she supposed to navigate all of this? She felt like every word was loaded with hidden meaning, with emotions that shouldn’t be there. The talk with Isabela about how she couldn’t  _ feel  _ was barely a week old, and ever since then, every blighted hour seemed intent on proving her wrong. The fog that had distanced herself from the world had been washed away completely by that red, bloody night. There was nothing grey left, on the contrary. Everything was sharp and so colorful that it felt nearly painful. It was as if all the emotions that had eluded her for so long rushed back at once.

Too much. Too much of everything.

Her longing for Bela and Fenris, her need to be close to them so directly beneath her skin that she thought she would burst if they actually touched her. The pain of being rejected, and even worse, sharper, the bitter knowledge that Bela had done the right thing by denying her. That she shouldn’t have asked for something she knew they weren’t ready to give. Then, there was the grief about her mother, black and heavy on her soul; and above it all — or beneath? It felt like it was everywhere, interwoven with every inch of her being — the guilt, crystal clear, cold, biting. The guilt that she hadn’t been able to save her mother. That she hadn’t seen the lilies earlier. That she hadn’t protected Cassia from the necromancer’s magic. That she had been able to sleep while her sister had still been out there, hurt and lost. That she hadn’t functioned when her family had needed her the most.

Aveline’s voice drew her out of her painful thoughts. “Hawke.”

Adriene looked up, quickly putting a smile back on her face when she realized that she had stared into her wine for the last minute without saying anything. “Hm?” she asked.

Aveline looked with a frown over to Isabela who had slung an arm around Fenris’ shoulders, leaning against him — a familiar implicitness in her gestures that Adriene knew only too well from how Bela normally acted with  _ her. _

“I don’t care what else is going on. We haven’t spoken about Leandra.” Her eyes showed a rare softness as she looked at Adriene. “How are you?”

Adriene’s smile wavered only for a second. “I have a smile on my face,” she shrugged. “That should be enough for most people.”

Aveline just raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t work on me. I knew her, too.”

Adriene made a non-committal sound and took another sip from her nearly empty drink, wondering for a second when she had drunk all of that before she pushed the thought away again. It seemed that after her death, everyone and their cat had known her mother. Except few actually had.

Aveline’s eyes became soft as she said, “I want to think my mother was like her.”

_ You really don’t,  _ Adriene thought, but she didn’t say anything.

“I just have flashes of… incredibly long hair,” Aveline continued, without noticing the hint of bitterness in Adriene’s eyes. “But my father…” She cleared her throat before she said, “Would you like to hear one thing?”

Without thinking about it, Adriene muttered, “What is it about death that brings out the speeches?”

The way Aveline’s eyes narrowed at her nearly the same way Isabela’s had before made her regret her words immediately. She knew that her friends only wanted to comfort her, wanted to share in her pain. They had all known Leandra, after all, Aveline even more than the rest.

But the damage was already done, and something sharp was in Aveline’s voice as she said, “Maybe people think it’s something they can share. That’s the  _ human  _ response, anyway. I don’t know what you’re doing.”

Adriene’s fingers tightened around her cup, but Aveline wasn’t quite done yet. “Don’t lose your friends, too, Hawke.”

“Aveline!” Varric snapped, but Adriene was already getting up, downing the rest of her wine. A drop of dark red fluid ran down her chin, and she wiped it carelessly away.

“And that’s why I didn’t want to stay,” she said tonelessly. “I’ll come talk to you tomorrow, Varric.”

Without waiting for a response, she turned and left, something unspeakably dark swirling tightly within her.

It was later than she had thought, the darkness already absolute as she walked quickly through Lowtown’s street towards the entrance to Darktown. She was still far from being exhausted enough to fall asleep, but she could always just put in another hour or two of training. Or maybe she would be lucky and someone was stupid enough to try and rob her.

“Adriene!”

For a second, she wasn’t sure if she had actually heard correctly. As she turned around and saw Fenris coming towards her, a sound left her that even she herself couldn’t quite place — something between a sob and a sigh as her heart twisted. Instinctively, she made a step towards him, only to stop herself again, her hands tightening into fists at her side in her effort not to reach for him.

“Listen, I’m sorry that I was snappy,” she said as he came to a stop a few steps away, but he only shook his head.

“No need to apologize,” he said quietly. “You’re grieving.”

For a moment, they only looked at each other, unhappiness hanging thickly in the air.

“Why are you here?” Adriene asked eventually when the silence threatened to stretch too long.

“I…” Fenris started, only to interrupt himself, struggling for words. When he finally spoke, there was hesitation in his voice as if he wasn’t sure whether his words would be welcome. “I’m trying to be there for you.”

Something in Adriene softened, and all of a sudden, she had to swallow down tears. She closed her eyes, her fingernails cutting painfully into her palms. “You can’t,” she said, shaking her head.

He took a step towards her. “Adriene,” he started, reaching for her, but she immediately stepped back. She had to struggle to keep breathing, so strong was the current of emotions running through her all of a sudden.

“Don’t.” The word was barely more than a whisper. “I can’t deal with… all of it. It’s too much. Everything, it’s too much.” Her eyes burned with unshed tears, but he didn’t try to reach for her again. “Having you near me when all I want is— it’s… I can’t.”

There was something in his eyes she couldn’t quite read when he said softly, “What do you want?”

“You.”

The word was out before she had even fully processed his question, and she bit her lip so hard that she drew blood. As if that could take the word back. Fenris didn’t say anything, and she could read the same conflict and pain in his eyes he had shown her that fateful morning when he had left her. Quickly, she closed her eyes, the wound in her heart that he had left that day ripped open anew. Nothing had changed.

She shook her head, blinking a few times against the sting in her eyes. “I know it’s not fair to tell you now of all times, when you feel like you have to comfort me, which is exactly why you shouldn’t.” She shrugged a bit helplessly. “But I want you. And Isabela,” she added in a tight voice, and suddenly, she could no longer stop the words coming. “And I want my Mom. I want Cassia to be healthy and happy again, and I want for none of this to have happened.” Her voice started to tremble, but still, she kept going. “I want to have been able to do the one thing I was supposed to do, to protect my family.”

Adriene let out a breath that sounded suspiciously like a sob, her hands unclenching as some of the tension she had held all day, all week, left her. “And I want nothing more than for you to just hold me,” she said, and for once, she didn’t care that she couldn’t hold back the tears that ran silently over her face. “I tried not to want you, not to… love you. But I do.” She shrugged helplessly. “I love you.”

For a second, the words seemed to hang in the air between them, heavy and meaningful. Fenris’ eyes widened, and he grew very still.

Another tear ran down Adriene’s cheek as she continued a bit more quietly, “Just like I love Isabela. Even though you told me that you can’t be with me, just like Bela did.” She wiped a hand over her wet eyes, whispering desperately, “And, Maker, I know it’s not what I should focus on right now. All I should be concerned with right now is grieving for my mother and caring for Cassia.”

She shook her head, resignation in her voice. There she was again, the inappropriate failure of a daughter her mother had bemoaned so much. “Isabela stopping us when she did was the right thing to do. I wasn’t thinking, and I should have been. It was unfair to both of you.” It was an ongoing theme, her lack of thought in the turmoil that was her emotions. “Having you near me muddles things up, it always has. And right now, I need to go back to being…”  _ More. What I should be. Functional.  _ She didn’t say any of it.

“I wish…” Fenris started, only to trail off again when she looked at him. He didn’t need to finish the sentence.

“… things were different? Yeah, me too.” Adriene wiped over her face one last time, then she gave Fenris a small smile. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

“Liar.” He did not smile back, just wordless worry and pain in his eyes.

Adriene shrugged, her mask slowly sliding back in place. “I just need time. Ask anyone in the Hanged Man — I’m infamous for getting up again when I should do the smart thing and stay down.”

“Hawke…” he started, a growl in his voice that betrayed the turmoil in him.

“Come on, let me have this one,” she quickly interjected, nearly pleadingly. “And take care of Bela for me.”

Fenris’ shoulders sank, and she could see that he struggled with what he wanted to say, but eventually, he only nodded. “Very well.”

“Thank you,” Adriene said quietly. She nearly reached for him, that longing for his touch still burning inside her, but instead, she just took another step back. “See you around.” And with that, she turned and walked away, exhaustion lining her every step.


	11. At The Edge Of Surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CN: Substance Abuse

Cassia woke up with a start. Scrambling up into a sitting position, she tried to take in deep breaths. The remnants of another nightmare still clung to her like cobwebs as she tried to get her bearings.  _ In two three. Out two three. And in again. _ It took her a few minutes of controlled breathing to convince the rest of her body that she was indeed awake. Awake and safe. For now at least. Carefully, she unwrapped her cold hands from where they were clenched into the sheets, small specs of frost falling down onto the mattress as she moved her fingers with a sigh. 

It was light outside, and Cassia yearned to leave her house, to be anywhere but in her bedroom. To feel the sunlight on her skin, breathe fresh air, and talk to random people. She knew that she shouldn’t. Anders strictly ordered bed rest, and Cullen insisted on her sticking to that. She was supposed to do nothing but heal and relax. But the dreams she kept having the moment she closed her eyes turned every bit of sleep she got into something that was the opposite of relaxing. 

She had only been out of the house once in the last week. The funeral had been an absolutely awful experience. Cassia had almost not been able to stand upright, feeling exhausted by the smallest movements. She had barely spoken to Adriene, the grief hanging around them both almost suffocating. Cassia had been glad about the excuse of not feeling well to leave as soon as possible. Part of her had wanted nothing more than to be there for her sister, but another, much larger part could barely stay focused long enough to appreciate the beautiful service. Her tired, still bruised appearance hidden behind a heavy veil, Cassia had worn the thickest gloves she could find to keep her treacherously icy hands out of sight as well. Leaving early had been a necessity.

But now, days later, having spent most of them staring at the ceiling in her room, a restlessness started to fester and claw its way out of her. There was nothing for her to do but to fight tooth and nail not to let certain thoughts occupy her mind. An almost impossible feat when every time she let her mind wander, her thoughts deemed it fit to remind her. 

Of the sorrow in Anders’ eyes, the perpetual wrinkle in his brow deepening as he said how sorry he was. Of the inside of the foundry, its sickeningly sweet smell of decay and the sticky wetness of blood on everything she touched. Her mother’s pale face. The cracking of bones breaking underneath Cassia’s hands. And then the magic…

The magic that wouldn’t leave her alone at all now, like a gnat buzzing about her head. Sizzling up at completely random moments, but with a frequency that terrified Cassia to no end. No matter how calm she was, she kept freezing things around her with no conscious thought. Other times, her magic started to get hotter than a blacksmith’s flames, close to setting something around her on fire, leaving behind angry red welts on her skin. It was incessant with no rhyme or reason, making Cassia dread the mere thought of leaving her room. 

With a huff, she got out of bed. It was of no use. Magic or not, she couldn’t stay holed up in here forever. When she went towards the bathroom, she noticed that the house was quiet. Dimly, she remembered Cullen saying something about Orana taking Maia along for errands today. A pang of guilt went through her at the thought of how much she had distanced herself from everyone in the past week. 

The first few days, it hadn’t been noticeable. Cassia had needed bed rest, and everyone gave her space to heal. But the healthier she got, the more of a problem her other issues became. How was she supposed to keep her daughter safe if she had to be afraid of seriously hurting her little girl by simply hugging her? How was she supposed to kiss her husband when she was terrified of accidentally shooting a flame at him? All while she could see Maia’s confused eyes and Cullen’s pained look at the distance she put between them. 

Cassia didn’t know what to do anymore as she filled a basin with water to clean herself. When she looked at herself in the mirror, it was almost startling to see her own reflection. Her eyes looked dull, her hair was a mess, and her body, though doing quite a bit better since Anders had worked his healing magic, still looked rather awful. The bruises, while slowly healing, still stood out in colorful shades of purple, yellow, and green against her skin. With a sigh, she went through carefully cleaning up, trying to avoid putting too much pressure on the still sensitive bruises. Just when she was done, about to empty out the water, a loud noise made her twitch in surprise. A door falling shut somewhere in the house, she realized a moment later. Probably the wind.

Nothing bad.

Underneath her hands, the water was frozen solid, and Cassia flinched. This was so much more than just an inconvenience by now. With a curse, she tried to warm the water up again so she could throw it away only to jump back as the water was suddenly boiling. 

Cassia decided to leave that task for later before she did something even worse by accident. Returning to the bedroom, she heard Anders’ voice in her head again, telling her it might take a while for her magic to settle down again. He had sounded so optimistic… But it had been a week, and up until now, it hadn’t changed even a little bit. 

She tried her best to stay calm, to sit down quietly and just breathe. Anders’ calming words came to mind. He had warned her that after how unsettled her magic had been through everything she had done, it would take some time for it to ebb back down, to slowly return to normal. But Cassia was anything but convinced that it would happen. Not when most of the issues she had were so familiar to her already. It was stronger than usual, but all in all, her haywire magic was nothing new to her. At most, she could hope for things to return to how they were before she started her experiments. And even that thought wasn’t a soothing one. 

The thought of having to stay like this, even if her symptoms became milder over time again, terrified her. Those precious few weeks she had lived without any problems at all had been pure bliss, and now she had to go back to how it had been before? Cassia felt a sob welling up. She had tasted freedom. Had been able to go out and about her day without worrying. The first weeks had felt unreal. Like a weight had been lifted from her, something she had been carrying around most of her life. For so long she had barely even noticed it was there anymore. Only after the Magebane had she even realized just how the weight of her magic had held her down. With the heaviness lifted off her, she had been able to breathe freely for the first time in what felt like forever.

She had felt lighter, like there was a spring in her step all of a sudden. A calmness had settled in her that had made her able to fully focus on the present without the lingering fear of her magic manifesting. For a short time, she had finally been free. Had felt safe and secure in who she was. Hadn’t been afraid to go to sleep at night anymore. But now, the magic was back, and with it, the feeling of being crushed underneath it. Only this time, it was so much worse than it had been before. 

When her eyes fell onto the potion chest in the corner of the room, Cassia felt a shudder run through her. Her ‘great solution’ had been anything but. A temporary fix with disastrous consequences. And yet she could feel every fiber of her being yearning for just the slightest bit of reprieve. A few more minutes of freedom. An hour of quiet, calm sleep. 

Cassia’s throat was dry as she shook her head at her nonsensical thoughts. It wouldn’t help. Not for long at least, and afterward, she would be right back where she was. Not to mention the other side-effects it had. The consequences…

_ ‘Could anything worse actually happen?’  _ her own voice snarled in her mind, bitterness dripping from every word, and Cassia shut her eyes tightly, trying not to listen. 

No more potions, especially no more Magebane. Anders had been abundantly clear on that, and Cassia knew it was with good reason. That it made perfect sense and was the only right thing to do.

Somehow, though, the rightness seemed to become small and whither under the overwhelming feeling of despair in her. Before she could put any more thoughts into it, she was moving, and a moment later, she settled down onto her bed, the small chest in front of her. Her hand still on the lid, she couldn't look away. It could help. It wouldn’t cure her, but it could help.

She had simply taken too much, too often the last time. Bottled up her magic, as Anders had put it. But it had helped, for a while. It could help her again, she only needed to be smarter about it this time. Smaller doses, breaks in between. Only enough to calm the more haywire parts of her magic down so she could control the rest. 

Cassia felt her breath going faster at the thought. This was not what she had promised. She was supposed to go to Anders for help, not try something untested on her own again. She pushed the chest away as she got up again. There was a thin sheen of ice on its lid by now, and Cassia felt lost. How was she even supposed to go outside like this? If she would do nothing at all, there was no way she could just go to the markets or any place with other people around her. Perhaps she could manage to sneak into her sister’s house unnoticed and take the passage to Darktown. If she was lucky, no one would see her. And then what?

She could hear Anders’ advice without him even having to be present. He was so convinced that she only had to try harder. Most of the time, his optimism about her abilities made her downright angry. 

She needed to talk to someone. To anyone really, but she had no idea where Adriene would be. The only thing Cassia was certain of was that her sister would not sit around at home during the day. Too many chances for moments of quiet. No, Adriene would be out and about the city somewhere, and Cassia had no means of finding her quickly.

Cullen was out of the question. The way to him would lead her through at least a dozen templars. The last thing she should do in her current condition. And Fenris? Cassia looked down at her ice-covered hands. There were strands of visible magic flitting around her, and she sighed. There was no way she would risk exposing Fenris to any kind of out-of-control magic. Not when it was this bad. He had forgiven her without question for blasting him when they fought the desire demon. She was not about to push her luck. 

Everyone else posed a similar difficulty of finding them as Adriene did. Cassia cursed silently. It was of no use, she was alone with this after all. She had to find a solution on her own for now. 

No matter how calm she tried to stay, no matter how slowly she breathed, her fingertips stayed frozen and the stray magic only seemed to become more. As Cassia looked down at her hands, she could see the ice crystals slowly creep up her arms.

A moment later, she sat in front of the potion chest again, snapping the lock open. The vial almost slipped through her fingers as she fumbled to get it open. When she finally managed, the smell of the Magebane let everything around her come to an abrupt halt. It smelled familiar. Like warmth and safety, a sweet, underlying current of calmness that had felt so out of reach just a minute before. It was in her grasp now. And as the smell filled her senses, it chased away any doubts that still lingered. Uncertainty and fear disappeared into the shadow cast by the unmistakable promise of respite. 

Cassia had expected to feel guilty as she brought the flask to her lips, but when the first sip of it went down her throat, she felt only relief. Smaller doses had been on her mind earlier. Doing things differently this time. She thought about how she should pace herself as she took another sip, then another. Until she was suddenly tipping the flask higher, her earlier thoughts of moderation replaced with something new. 

The last time, the Magebane had broken something within her. And Anders had been worried that it could have even worse consequences. But Cassia knew better. Knew there was no ‘worse’ in her case. But if it truly was as destructive as he had told her, maybe it still had some use. It had already taken something from her she had never wanted to lose, perhaps it could take something else as well. Something she’d gladly be rid of forever. Perhaps all it took was the right amount. 

Carelessly, she let the empty flask fall to reach for the next one. Perhaps this had been her mistake in the first place. Trying to pace herself. Trying to meticulously regulate something that was beyond her control. 

The second flask went down even smoother than the first, and by the third, Cassia felt her thoughts starting to become hazy. Dimly, she noticed the stray magic around her simmering down. Her arms were no longer freezing, and her fingers slowly lost their stiffness. 

Everything felt strangely quiet as she put down another empty flask and looked at her hands. They were red, feeling almost hot. It felt almost like coming inside, into a warmed-up house after playing for hours in the snow without gloves. Cassia smiled at the thought. Her eyes closed as she tried to hang onto a memory of much simpler times. But it slipped just out of her reach as a surge of something unsettling went through her.

As her eyes flew open again, Cassia watched in horror as her hands started to freeze over in record time, only to melt away the ice seconds later. This was not supposed to happen. Her eyes widened as she watched a whirlwind of stray magic swirl around her, more tangible than she had ever seen. 

The next moment had her hurrying out of her bed, a cold hand pressed against her mouth as nausea went through her with a force that almost made her stumble. Without thought, she ran, scrambling back into the bathroom. Her stomach seemed to twist itself around completely, and Cassia could do nothing but let the potion come back out under horrible retching noises. When it was all gone, she found herself on the floor, sunken against the wall, still shaking. Tears of exhaustion and despair mixed together as she leaned back. Magic kept buzzing around her, but unlike before, Cassia lacked the energy to get up again, the cold floor underneath her an uncomfortable reminder of another failure.

More noise. Someone was moving around the house, and Cassia hoped with everything she had that it wasn’t Orana coming home with Maia. She could hear the familiar scratching noise her bedroom door made, and a second later, she heard Anders call out.

“Cassia? I was at your sister’s, and I thought I’d check in on you because…” He suddenly stopped, and Cassia could guess why, what sight greeted him. “Cassia?” he called out again. Louder, more alarmed this time.

“In here,” she called back, her voice cracking under the strain. But he had obviously heard her, for only moments later, she wasn’t alone anymore. From the way he looked at her, Cassia was reasonably certain she wouldn’t have to explain much. Resignation mixed with concern was all over his face. 

Cassia felt like she had to make him understand regardless. “Anders, I...” she started, but her voice trailed off with uncertainty.

“It’s alright,” he said, bending down to help her up. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up and back into bed first.”

“I don’t need even more rest,” Cassia said between clenched teeth. “I need…”

“I think you have no idea what you actually need right now,” he interrupted her. He didn’t sound unkind, but there was a sternness on his face Cassia wasn’t used to. Anders let out a small sigh. “I was afraid of something like this,” he murmured quietly. “But not enough to take precautions.”

All of a sudden, Cassia felt defensive. “It’s not that bad,” she insisted, “a small error in judgment. I made a mistake, but there is no reason to get all overly worried about me again.” She tried to stand on her own, to move away from him, but her balance was off the second she tried. Anders managed to hold her upright just in time, looking even sterner than before.

“I decide how much I worry, not you,” he said as he helped her over to the water basin. “I know you think you don’t need anyone’s help, but you do. And from what I am seeing, you probably shouldn’t be the one to make that call right now.”

Everything inside Cassia wanted to protest, but she felt too weak to even lift her arms on her own as she let herself be sat down. A warm washcloth against her skin made her able to focus at least some.

“You don’t get to decide how I…” she started, but Anders was having none of it.

“I think it is pretty clear that your decision-making is piss-poor at the moment,” he said dryly, continuously cleaning up the remains of spilled potion and stray ice flakes on her. “So, right now? I’m taking charge, and you are going to let me help!”

He didn’t get loud, but he spoke with so much quiet authority that Cassia didn’t have it in her to argue anymore. She just nodded silently as he helped her up again and walked her back to her bedroom. A few minutes later Cassia was back in bed, her potions chest gone, out of sight. As she got settled, Anders sat down at the side of her bed, looking at her intensely.

“You want to tell me why you thought any of this was a particularly good idea?” he asked, and Cassia shifted uncomfortably, not quite knowing how to answer that. The silence between them stretched, but from the way he was looking at her, she knew he wouldn’t just let her off the hook. Not this time at least. 

“You didn’t even have a good reason, did you?”

It sounded surprisingly calm, and Cassia didn’t quite know how to meet his eyes. “Oh, I had plenty,” she muttered.

“Tell me then.”

Cassia looked up. “Why?” she asked, feeling her guard go up. “So you can pick them apart and tell me how dumb I was? How they were not valid reasons at all?” Part of her could hear it clear as day already, but something in his eyes seemed not right. Unexpected.

“No,” Anders said simply. “They were probably valid reasons. But you are not seeing your situation clearly right now.”

He said it with such certainty that Cassia felt irritation flare up in her. “I can see just fine, thanks!” The exasperation was all over her voice as she tried to make him see. “Look, I get that you are trying to help, but there are some things you couldn’t possibly understand. You don’t know what it’s like!” 

“Try me.”

“What?” 

His open expression and the lack of any further admonishments threw Cassia for a loop. She had expected another lecture at least, but so far, Anders had been surprisingly uncooperative when it came to her expectations.

“You’re right, I have no idea about your magic issues,” he said softly. “But everything else? You’d be surprised how much I understand what you are feeling.”

Cassia shook her head in disbelief. It didn’t deter Anders from continuing. 

“It’s all too much, isn’t it? The expectations. The pressure. People needing you to be a certain way, and you just know deep inside that you are not up to it. That you are going to let them down.” There was something in his eyes as he spoke that gave her pause. Something personal. Like he wasn’t just talking about how she felt, but about something way more private. Remnants of pain much older than her current situation. “And no matter how often someone tells you it’s alright, something inside you just can’t believe them,” he continued, and Cassia felt herself slightly nodding along with his words that described what she was feeling all too well. “Something insists they are wrong. Knows they would see it too if they only looked close enough. If they could only see you as you see yourself. If they knew the truth…” His eyes were locked with hers. “Am I close?”

Cassia swallowed as she nodded. “How…”

A sad smile appeared on Anders’ face. “Cassia, if you believe me in nothing else, believe this: You are not the first and not the only person to ever feel like this.”

For a moment, all Cassia could think about was all that she knew about his past in Ferelden. And the fact that he definitely wasn’t just spouting platitudes at her. He  _ knew _ how she felt. He understood because she wasn’t the only one. A realization that should make her happy. Instead, all she felt was a feeling of deep sorrow for her friend.

“Anders, I am so sorry…” she said quietly but he waved her words aside. The sadness in his smile disappeared as it turned into something more genuine. More him.

“Don’t be. It was a long time ago, and I’ve learned a lot since then.” He gave her an encouraging look. “It wasn’t easy. As I assume it won’t be for you. But I promise you: It can get better. Not through a potion though, and especially not one that could very well kill you!”

“But it helped…” Cassia heard herself say in a small voice before she could even think about it. “Before I mean. I felt so awful, and then I took it and it helped!”

Anders shook his head. “Not really.” Gently, he took one of her hands into his, squeezing it lightly. “It made you feel better about yourself for a while, but it didn’t really solve anything, did it? It’s temporary. And trust me, if you keep this up, it will only get worse.”

She couldn’t help but scoff. “Worse? I doubt that is even possible anymore.”

“It can,” he insisted. “It will help less and less, so you need more and more, and that’s when it kills you. Or leaves behind a wreckage of a person even I cannot heal and fix anymore.” There was an intensity in his eyes as his voice took on an almost pleading tone. “And you know that! You are smart and capable, Cassia, I know that you are perfectly aware of all this.”

He wasn’t wrong. Cassia knew he wasn’t. But it still didn’t even begin to quell her worst fears. “I can't even touch my daughter,” she said, her voice laden with all the misery she was feeling. “Or Cullen. Or anyone really. Not without risk of seriously hurting them.” 

“And I wish I had a quick fix for that, believe me,” Anders sighed. “It is not what you want to hear right now, but you have to give it time. Remember the dam I spoke of? That broke?” He waited for her to nod before he continued. “It needs to mend again, to be rebuilt so your magic doesn’t randomly flow out anymore. It will simply take time.” 

“You are right,” Cassia said with a grimace, clearly unhappy with what he was saying. “It really isn’t what I want to hear.” But that didn’t mean that it wasn’t what she needed to hear, even if it drove her up the wall. “I am not very good at being patient. At waiting for things,” she murmured.

“Who, you? I would never have guessed.” Anders let out a small laugh before he turned serious again. “I know you hate waiting around, but trust me, before you can control it again — and I know you, you  _ can  _ control it — it needs time.”

“No way around that then, huh?” 

Anders only shook his head. “The only thing that could quicken it would be to lessen the pressure, so to speak, but the magic comes from inside you. You are the source, so that's not an option. Be patient."

Patience. It sounded so easy, but Cassia knew that it was anything but.

“I don’t know if I can do it, Anders,” she finally admitted. “I mean, I was too weak to even control my regular magic before already. How am I supposed to be better at this now?”

“You are not weak, Cassia,” Anders said, holding her hand a little tighter. “You never were. You are unwell! What you are feeling right now, that part of you that just wants to take the Magebane and be done with it? That part of you is not healthy. But being sick is not a weakness. It just means you might need help to get better.”

Not weak… Cassia wasn’t sure how she was supposed to believe that. And even if she did, there was still another problem.

“How do I not listen to that part, though?” she asked quietly. “It is so loud…”

“Well,” Anders gave her an encouraging look. “Think of the Magebane and that part of yourself as a demon.”

Confusion prevented Cassia from sinking further into distress. “A demon?” she asked, a hint of curiosity in her voice.

“Yes! Like a demon, the Magebane alone can do nothing to you,” Anders assured her. “So it finds that one part of you that is not well, and it latches on. And all it tries to do is make you want it. It tempts you, makes you promises you know in your heart it is never going to keep. Because it can’t, it has no power, after all, right?” When Cassia nodded, he continued. “All because it just wants you to give in. It’s a demon, Cassia, and you  _ know _ how to fight demons!”

He was right. Her whole childhood had been about that, after all. She knew how to fight demons. “By not letting them in,” she agreed, her voice just a tad more steady than before.

“Exactly!” 

Anders’ encouragement helped her breathe, Cassia realized. It couldn’t be all that easy though, could it? 

“But…” she started tentatively. “I couldn’t stop myself before. How can I be sure to do so next time?”

“Like you learn everything else,” Anders simply said. “You use what you’ve learned before and try again.” He could see the skepticism on her face and gave her hand another encouraging squeeze. “It’s hard to fight what you don’t know, what you can’t see. But now you know it's a demon. And you won’t fall for it again, alright?”

Cassia was unable to not smile back at him. “You have so much faith in me…”

Anders let out a small laugh as he shrugged. “Someone has to, at least for as long as you refuse to have faith in yourself.”

“Thank you!” The words were heartfelt but much quieter again as Cassia felt the exhaustion wash over her. 

“You need more rest,” Anders said, and she could do nothing but nod in agreement for once. 

As he wrapped the blanket around her, the stern expression from before was back on his face. “Cassia, you’ll get through this, but you have to stop trying to do it on your own. I am going to talk to Cullen, and I will need to tell him some things.” 

Panic welled up in her almost immediately, but a soothing hand on her shoulder stopped her from trying to get up again.

“Don’t worry, I can leave out certain things. They are for you to tell him and no one else.” His assurance took most of her will to argue out of her again. “But there are things he needs to know, so he can help you. Because you need someone to be there for you, alright?” 

“Isn’t it enough that you know?” Cassia asked weakly. She knew he had a point, but she couldn’t quite silence the part of her that insisted that it would change what Cullen thought of her. What everyone would think of her. Anders had insisted that it was a disease that had led to this. That it wasn’t a weakness. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that it felt awfully similar.

Anders shook his head. “No, it’s not enough. You need more than one person. And you don’t need to worry so much.” He drew a strand of loose hair away from her face before smiling again. “Cullen loves you, he would do everything for you. It would be downright cruel to not let him help you through this.” 

Her heart clenched at his words. She knew deep down that he was absolutely right about this. That if their roles were reversed, she would be devastated if Cullen would shut her out like she had done the past few days. 

“Alright,” she agreed. At the relieved look on Anders’ face, another thought came to her. “In that case, you should probably also talk to Adriene,” she added quietly. She had made the mistake of not telling her sister important things before, after all. And it had led to nothing but heartbreak. For the briefest moment, she felt like a complete monster for even considering shutting both her and Cullen out like that. Again. Knowing what it had cost her before. But Anders’ earlier words resolutely chased the feeling away. He was right after all. She would take what she had learned to heart and try again. Better this time. For all of their sakes. 


	12. She Who Shall Not Be Denied

It had just started getting dark outside when Cullen unlocked his front door. He had tried to make his day in the Gallows a short one, but like every day lately, there had been too many things he couldn’t ignore. Convincing the Knight-Commander that he had been working in secret to dismantle the thorn in her side that was the seemingly indomitable organized resistance of mages in the city had been easier than he would have thought. Her enthusiasm for the story he had spun, especially after he had convinced her that his need for secrecy stemmed from the suspicion that there were templars involved in helping the mages had given him all the leeway he had hoped for. But at the same time, it had more than doubled his work. Not to mention that it had created a need to come up with something that could pass for visible results. Something to assure Meredith that he had the problem well in hand. It kept him away from home more often than he liked. 

Thankfully, at least for today, that part was over. The door to the living room was open and the faint sheen of a fire fell into the hallway, interrupted by the flickering of a shadow.

“I am sorry for being this late,” he called out apologetically while removing his sword from his side and storing it in its usual place. “I tried to leave earlier, but…”

He paused as someone moved into the open doorway and blinked as he realized that it was most definitely not Cassia.

“Oh, it’s you.” He couldn’t quite manage to leave the surprise out of his voice when he saw Anders. He had long moved past the feeling of plain weirdness of seeing a mage from his former Circle just be a guest in his house every now and then, but still, it wasn’t an everyday occurrence. If he was here now there had to be a reason. “Have you been checking on Cassia?”

Anders nodded. “I came by a few hours ago.” 

“And you are still here? What happened?” Cullen tensed immediately as the familiar feeling of worry washed over him. Cassia had been mostly fine this morning, sitting upright in bed, having breakfast and even smiling for a moment. Not at him, he thought with a heavy heart. But at least she had smiled at all, even though she had kept her distance in the past few days. But if Anders had been here for hours…

“Calm down,” came Anders’ voice breaking through the downward spiral of his thoughts. “Something happened, but right now, she is fine. And sleeping. As is Maia, Orana brought her to bed a while ago. I’m still here because I need to talk to you.” 

Something about Anders looked weary. Tired, Cullen thought. But there was more. He seemed almost uncomfortable. When Anders’ eyes lingered on the templar emblem on his chest, Cullen didn’t have to guess why.

“Alright,” he said plainly, “do you have a few more minutes? Let me get out of the armor and then we can talk.”

He didn’t imagine the slight flicker of relief on the other man’s face when Anders nodded. 

“Go ahead,” he said with a wave of his hand before returning to the living room.

Without losing any more time, Cullen went to change, taking a careful peek into Maia’s room to confirm she was indeed asleep. With a sad sigh about having missed another dinner together, he quietly closed her door again. He would make time for an extra big breakfast the next day, he promised himself. The door to his and Cassia’s bedroom was slightly ajar, and he could see that she too, was deep asleep. But unlike Maia’s room, their bedroom wasn’t dark. Faint wisps of magic were swirling through the air, giving the entire room an almost eerie glow. It seemed more than usual, and Cullen hurried back into the living room as he reminded himself that Anders wouldn’t sit around in his home waiting for him if it weren’t urgent.

“I apologize for taking so long,” he started as soon as he entered the room, “I just had to…”

“You had to check on them, of course.” Anders nodded. Absentmindedly, he gestured for Cullen to take a seat. “You want something to drink? You might need it.” 

He seemed restless to Cullen, simultaneously looking exhausted and yet pent up full of energy. Without further ado, Cullen sat down, not having the heart to point out the irony of Anders offering him a seat and a drink in his own house. It was only then that Cullen noticed a pitcher and glasses standing on a side table. The preparation that had been made to sit him down and talk made the worry inside him grow stronger. 

“What’s this about?” he asked, unwilling to wait for Anders to get to the point. “Does it have to do with the stray magic that is all over my bedroom?”

“Yes,” Anders nodded. “Partly. Listen, Cassia didn’t really want me to talk to you. But it is necessary and she knows it too, even if she doesn’t like it.” He paused for a moment, looking like he didn’t know where to start, wringing his hands for a moment until he finally seemed to come to a decision. “Has she told you about having more issues with her magic lately? Or rather a couple of weeks or months ago?”

“No…” Cullen tried to think of any moment Cassia would have mentioned something, but he came up empty. “She did say she wanted to keep working on that potion of hers. In case of another emergency. But nothing about her having problems. On the contrary, really, she seemed calmer lately.” Now that he was thinking about it, she had seemed calmer than ever before in the past few weeks.

“That’s because she was,” Anders murmured. With a look of regret, he looked at Cullen. “She has been taking smaller doses of the Magebane potion for quite a while now. Probably to deal with stronger magic issues, I believe.”

“What?” Cullen’s eyes widened. “No, she would have told me!”

“Cullen…” Anders started, but Cullen interrupted him.

“She wouldn’t have kept something like that from me, it’s not her…” Since that night she had told him about her magic, she had never failed to mention when she had had a particularly rough day. Sometimes to warn him so he wouldn’t be startled by her magic, other times just to share her worries. Cassia had never been someone that didn’t speak about her feelings almost immediately. At least not with him. It was what made her sudden distance and her sudden insistence not to let him near her at all even harder to bear. Cassia had never been someone that wanted to be alone with her pain before. _Except for that one time…_ came a sudden realization.

“Wait, that potion, when you explained that after the first time she took it… you said she was basically cut off from the Fade...” Cullen spoke more to himself than to Anders. It didn’t keep the other one from answering.

“I did, but…”

“You think it might have been the nightmares?”

“She mentioned they were part of it,” Anders confirmed.

Cullen quietly cursed himself for not having brought it up with her at all. For basically forgetting about it. How could he have forgotten? “She kept having terrible nightmares for a while. A week or so? A while ago, after she fought a demon while helping Sebastian,” he explained. “She didn’t really want to talk about it, and I wanted to give her space, but then…”

“Then what?” Anders asked.

“One day she was completely fine, and they never came back…” And Cullen had been happy about her seemingly being fine again, not even bothering to check with her, to talk to her about it. He hadn’t really spent any thoughts on how dreams and nightmares were a vastly different thing for Cassia than they were for him.

“From what little I know from her, that must have been around the time when this started then,” Anders said slowly. “Listen, and this is why I am here, those potions are _not_ good for her, and under no circumstances can she continue with this.”

He sounded very insistent all of a sudden, and Cullen felt a bit lost. “With what exactly?” he asked. “I still don’t understand what is going on…”

Anders sighed deeply before he started to explain further. About suppressing magic, the resulting flood of it in the foundry, and how it had hurt Cassia, not to mention seemed to have broken what had been left of her ability to control her own magic. When Anders ended after recalling what had happened today, Cullen didn’t know what to say. Everything he had heard them talk about a week ago, right after they had brought Cassia home, was at the forefront of his mind. He noticed that Anders had carefully left out something in all that he had told him. Just like he had heard Cassia almost beg him to. The memory sent a flash of pain through him at the thought that she still didn’t want his help. Didn’t want him to comfort her. Part of him wished that Anders were just a little bit less respectful of her wishes and would simply tell him. At least then he would have an excuse to talk to Cassia about this. At the same time, he couldn’t help but gain even more respect for Anders for adhering to her wishes in that regard. Even though it had been clear he had disagreed with her. With the situation being what it was, it seemed Cullen could do nothing but wait. 

“How can I help her?” Cullen finally asked, his voice soft and slightly uncertain. “I knew she was hurt badly, but all of this… she won’t talk to me. Maker, she won’t even let me near her.” He let out a frustrated sigh. “I thought after what she went through, giving her time and space would be the best thing I could do, but…” He couldn’t finish the sentence, his throat closing up at the thought of just how helpless he had felt all week. How alone. If _he_ was already feeling like this, he could scarcely imagine how Cassia must have felt at the same time.

“She cannot be left alone,” Anders explained calmly. “No matter how much she wants to at the moment, someone needs to be with her and have an eye on her. At least for a while, to make sure she doesn’t take anything else. It…” Anders took a deep breath, looking away for a moment. Like he was not quite sure what to say. “The Magebane has done enough damage, and any further doses could have even more serious consequences,” he finally said with a hint of urgency in his voice. 

Cullen sighed deeply at Anders' admirable try to make sure he knew how serious this way without giving away Cassia’s secrets. 

“Anders, I know what happened in the foundry,” he said quietly. “I know she was pregnant, and I know she asked you not to tell me.” At the surprised widening of Anders’ eyes, he smiled sadly. “The door to the bedroom was open…”

“But she doesn’t know you heard us?” Anders asked, and Cullen shook his head.

“No. It was very clear that she didn’t want to tell me at that point and I thought it would be best not to say anything to her. So she can talk to me when she is ready.” It didn’t calm him in the least that he had absolutely no idea when that would be. 

“Cullen, I am so sorry.” There was honest regret in Anders’ voice. “She only found out the day it all happened, and she was so excited to tell you…”

Cullen felt something in him clench painfully at the words, but he could only nod as Anders continued, “I tried everything I could, but… I am really, deeply sorry for the both of you.”

“I know,” Cullen said, looking away for a moment to collect himself. “Thank you.” He took a deep breath, focusing on what would come next. “So, have a constant eye on her. What else can I do?”

“I am not going to lie to you, the next few weeks might be a very trying time for all of you.” Anders still sounded apologetic, but it didn’t take away any of the seriousness from what he was saying. “She might listen sometimes, and other times she will not. You need to be a voice of reason.”

Cullen let out a toneless laugh. “Have you met my wife? She can talk circles around both of us if she wants to…”

“And she will definitely want to! She will have perfectly thought-out arguments and reasons as to why you should definitely give her her potions. But no matter how much sense she seems to make, no matter how reasonable she sounds, you can not — and this is the most important thing — let her convince you.” Anders had leaned forward and everything about him was sharp and precise, underlining the importance of his words. When he seemed satisfied that Cullen had definitely taken them to heart, he got up. “Alright, I need to go and get some sleep myself, but I’ll be back to check on her daily for the foreseeable future.”

Cullen got up with him, nodding in understanding. “Thank you again, for all you’ve already done.” 

At the door, Anders suddenly turned around, he looked conflicted for a moment before he seemed to make up his mind. “Cullen, giving her space is generally a good choice with Cassia, but right now?” He shook his head. “I don’t think that is what she needs at this moment. Despite what she is saying, she needs reassurance and comfort right now, not space.” He gave Cullen a careful look. “And so might you.”

Cullen wasn’t sure just what to say to that. How to approach someone who clearly wanted to be on their own. Especially when everything around them felt so… fragile. 

“Look,” Anders added quietly, “I can’t understand some things and I don’t know everything, but I can imagine that this situation isn’t easy for either of you. Especially with all the uncontrollable magic. So I get if being around all that makes you uneasy or uncomfortable, but she needs you to at least look like you are alright with it for now.”

Cullen blinked as Anders’ words pulled him out of his earlier thought. Uncomfortable? Did Anders think that he wanted the space Cassia demanded between them because of the magic? 

“No!” He shook his head vehemently. “I am not uncomfortable.” When Anders still looked at him skeptically, he added, “Believe me, no one has been more surprised about that than myself, but I am not uneasy around Cassia’s magic.” He needed to make him understand that this, his worries, had nothing to do with magic itself for once. “Yes, I am worried about how much she is losing control, but not because of the magic but because of what it means for her. For her safety and her peace of mind.”

He could see some of the tension that Anders had carried around for the entire evening leave him as he spoke.

“That’s… a relief,” Anders murmured. “Can’t say that I have not been concerned about that.” He straightened again. “Then I can only repeat what I said earlier. Wanting space is a valid wish, but right now, I think she needs someone to hold her and tell her everything will be alright. She might try to keep you from doing that, but I think you might have to push her on that. Carefully, of course.”

It made sense. Everything Anders said to him this evening made perfect sense. Even though Cullen wished that some things didn’t. Something about this entire conversation, about his reliance on this man and his magic to help them get through all this, felt more than just strange. Like it should definitely be something he should have a problem with. Instead, the only problem he had seemed to be that listening to Anders and accepting his advice as the right call didn’t feel wrong. Followed by the dreadful thought that, if his superiors had their way, Anders wouldn’t have been around to help at all. That if everything ran just like the Knight-Commander would want it to, he would have lost even more in that dreadful night.

“I’ll try,” he assured Anders. It wasn’t like he had any idea what else he could do at this point. He thanked Anders again before the other left, and Cullen locked the door behind him. For a brief moment, he just leaned against it, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath. They would get through this. Somehow. Even though at the moment, he hadn’t the slightest idea just how exactly — but they would figure this out. They had to. There had been difficult situations before and they had mastered them. This was no different. 

And yet it was. 

Whatever they had faced before had felt different. Because it had been the two of them together, Cullen realized. Every trouble, every problem that had come their way, Cassia and he had faced together. Keeping each other upright through whatever came. Anders was right, this was no time for either of them to try and push through the situation alone. Before he could think twice about it, Cullen was back in their bedroom. The wisps of magic were still flickering and buzzing around the room as he tried not to disturb Cassia’s well-needed sleep. As careful as he could, he closed the door behind him before he lay down next to her. In the faint light of her magic, he could see she was restless. The blue hue amplified the exhaustion on her face. With a heavy heart, he gently drew her closer into his arms, careful not to wake her. 

For a moment, she tensed, as if she got ready to move away. After a few seconds, she let out a small sigh and relaxed against him, still deeply asleep. Cullen felt the stress and tension he had held on to all through the day slowly fall off him. With Cassia in his arms, it became just a little bit easier to believe, to hold on to the certainty that they could do this. Strands of magic swirled through the air, feeling feathery soft on his skin as they curled around him. Almost as if she unconsciously tried to hold on as much as he did. As his eyes fell shut, his mouth curled up into a sleepy smile at the thought that her magic felt more like a gentle caress than something to fear. 

Despite his light sleep, it took Cullen a moment to realize where he was when he woke up again. Cassia had stirred lightly against him, and from the faint light peaking through the curtains, he could assume that it was sometime in the very early morning. 

“Cullen?” Cassia mumbled sleepily, snuggling closer to him.

He tightened his arm around her, holding her close with a soft hum. “I’m here.”

For a few blissful moments, everything seemed almost right. Quiet, calm and peaceful with both of them where they were supposed to be. With each other. Until Cassia opened her eyes and tensed as soon as she saw the magic still swirling around them.

“My magic…”

She scrambled away from him almost immediately, as if his touch had burned her. It took him a second to realize that her fear wasn’t directed at him but at the faint bluish wisps around them.

“Hey, it’s alright,” he murmured quietly. It didn’t seem to have any effect on her as she shook her head.

“No, it really isn’t!”

Her voice and posture were tight, light a bowstring about to snap. There was an almost frantic look in her eyes, as they followed the wisps of magic, looking like she was afraid they would attack any moment. The silence stretched between them, save for Cassia's panicked and wheezing breath.

_You need to be the voice of reason._

Anders' words came back to Cullen. He wet his lips, his mind formulating the best way to get Cassia to look at him. It was a delicate situation, and one wrong move, one wrong word, and the distance between them would grow even farther. But he couldn't let the fear of what could happen take hold.

“It seems to be a little bit less than last night already,” he said softly, trying to get her to look at him. To focus on him instead of the magic. “And nothing bad happened when you were asleep, I promise. It’s alright, Cassia…”

She refused to meet his eyes as she kept shaking her head. “No no no no no, this isn’t…” Her voice broke as she started to shiver. “There is so much of it…”

Slowly Cullen sat up against the headboard, and before he could even put any thought into it he had placed a careful hand on her shoulder. She was still looking ahead, but as if on instinct, her own hand had come to rest on top of his.

“Cassia,” he nudged her softly, “please look at me.”

Her hand tightened around his, and a moment later, she managed to tear her eyes away from the magic. Anguish and fear were all over her face as she looked at him. Everything about her looked like she was ready to flee, to run away from him any second. But when she finally met his eyes, something shifted and she leaned towards him. Instincts took over, and all of a sudden, Cassia was back in his arms, holding onto him as he felt more than saw the anguished sobs shake through her body. 

He didn’t know how long they sat there, her head buried against his chest and his hands drawing gentle, soothing patterns over her back, but Cullen wasn’t in any rush to change even the smallest thing about it. After a week of painful distance, of avoided touches and dreadful silence, he couldn’t have let go of her if he had wanted to.

“How can you even stand to be this close to me?” Cassia whispered in between sniffing, her voice still shaky. 

Cullen was floored at the question. Not for the first time he wondered just what went on inside her head that she felt the need to even ask. “It’s the easiest thing I have ever done,” he said almost immediately. 

Her reaction was not what he would have expected.

“That was downright cheesy…” Cassia mumbled, accompanied by a small, disbelieving chuckle. It was the most wonderful sound Cullen could have imagined and he couldn’t help laughing along. 

“Perhaps,” he said, a wide smile on his face. “Definitely true though.”

In his arms, Cassia turned more serious again, but there was definitely something a little bit more relaxed to her by now. “Cullen,” she started softly, “I am afraid I might hurt you…” She let out a deep sigh. “Yesterday, I flash froze something just because I got startled. I didn’t even have time to try and stop myself.”

“You know I have trained more than half my life to counter sudden and unforeseen magic, right?” Cullen answered, still smiling. When he saw a small frown on Cassia’s face, he shook his head in disbelief. “You haven’t even thought about that, have you? That I am probably the person that is the safest around you at the moment?”

Cassia looked almost a bit sheepish as she shook her head. “I… no. Not like that.”

“Cassia…” He tightened his arms around her, holding her close as he kept stroking her back. “Anders talked to me last night.”

She swallowed and her soft _‘Oh…’_ that left her mouth sounded painfully unsure. “About what happened yesterday?” 

“Yes,” Cullen answered carefully, his heart hurting as he saw her withdraw back into herself almost immediately. “Cassia, don’t do this. Don’t pull away from me. Let me help you,” he pleaded, desperately trying to hold on to the closeness between them. She didn’t turn away again, but everything about her, her face, the tension in her body and the look in her eyes seemed to be screaming at him in fear. She reminded him of a trapped animal. The last thing he wanted her to feel. 

“What are you so scared of?” Cullen asked quietly. “You know I love you, right? With all my heart, and I want to be here for you, whatever happens!” He knew he sounded like he was begging, but he didn’t care. “But Cassia, you have to let me. Let me help. Let me be there! Please just… talk to me!”

For a moment, she was just looking at him, wide-eyed and still so full of uncertainty that Cullen half expected her to jump out of his arms any second. But she didn't. Instead, she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before she whispered, “I am terrified.”

One of her hands buried itself in his shirt, holding onto him as if she were suddenly the one afraid that he would move away. “Cullen, I am so afraid I can’t breathe. Of everything. Of my magic. Of my lack of control. Of hurting you or Maia or anyone I love, really. Of my dreams, of the nightmares.” Once she had started, she seemed unable to stop. “I’m afraid to leave this room and I am afraid of falling asleep. Of closing my eyes. Because when I do, I become paralyzed with fear of what happened in the foundry…” Cassia’s voice broke, and he saw tears slipping out from underneath her still closed eyes. “And when I dream, I dream of nothing but horrors and destruction. And the thought that someone like me should be put away. For everyone’s sake...”

“No!” Cullen said with more force than he intended. He frowned when Cassia flinched, realizing his tone had gotten too loud. 

“Cassia, no,” he tried again, quieter than before but with the same underlying tension. “You don’t really want that!”

“Of course I don’t,” she said, sounding more defeated than he had ever seen her before. “But look at what I did! And am still doing.” Weakly, she gestured at the still wildly flying magic strands. “I am not safe to be around. I am everything the templar order says is bad about magic right now. And I can’t even leave my house, so can you honestly tell me that I shouldn’t be in the Circle? That I wouldn’t be if I were anyone else but your wife? That you wouldn’t have put me there yourself if you had met me like this?”

Cullen felt like he had been hit by a ton of bricks. He didn't even know what to address first. How to go against any of her points right now, feeling as unsettled as he did.

“Cassia,” he sighed, “I am not going to argue about this with you. Not right now. I can’t.” 

“You’re not going to argue because I am right?” she asked, and Cullen felt anger well up in him. It wasn’t that he couldn’t understand her reasoning, couldn't see where her fear came from, but he had no idea just how to deal with her apparent willingness to throw everything good away like it was nothing. Like all that they had together was somehow not enough to make her want to fight.

“No,” he got out, trying not to let his feelings show. “Because you are infuriatingly unreasonable right now.”

“Unreasonable?” The word seemed to have lit a fire in her. “There is nothing unreasonable with not wanting to hurt any of you more than I already did!”

“And yet you are so good at it!” The words were out before Cullen could even think about it. 

Cassia gasped. “What?”

Cullen shook his head. “You say you want to spare us any more pain? What do you think this feels like, what you are doing right now? Telling me you want to give up…” She looked at him with wide eyes as he continued. “Yes, everything is awful right now. But we can deal with that! And if you feel like you can’t? You’re supposed to lean on me. We might still not be married on paper, but this is a marriage, you are supposed to share your burdens with me and _let me help!_ ” He had not wanted to let his own emotions take over, but he found now that he had started it felt impossible to stop. “You talk about _‘being put away’_ like it would be a reasonable choice, like it wouldn’t destroy everything we have built together. And then you say you don’t want to hurt me?” 

He paused, taking in a deep breath and calming himself down at least a little. “I can deal with magic. I can deal with every damn thing this city throws at us just fine. But this? What you are doing right now? _This_ is hurting me! More than any misfired spell or magical outburst ever could.”

It was very quiet in their bedroom after he stopped talking. Something in Cassia’s eyes looked different than before. More alert, like she was more present all of a sudden than she had been the entire last week around him. He wasn’t sure what kind of a reaction he had expected, but when Cassia suddenly grabbed him and pulled him as close as she could, he was certain that this hadn’t been it. Her arms wrapped around him, she hugged him impossibly tight.

“Cullen, I’m sorry!” she whispered, and he could hear how genuinely she meant it in those short words already. “I am so sorry! Especially for…” She seemed to have trouble actually saying the words. “I don’t know why I even said that. I don’t want to give up anything, I promise.” She drew back enough so she could look him in the eyes as she said, “It’s the opposite really, I love you and Maia and most of my life so much I can’t bear the thought of losing any of it.”

“And that’s what scares you most, isn’t it?” Cullen asked quietly as all the little things around this finally clicked together and started to make sense again, lifting a weight off his heart that had almost crushed him before. 

Cassia nodded quietly, and he rested his forehead against hers.

“We will face this together,” he promised her. “One step at a time, alright?”

When Cassia nodded again, a small smile appeared on her face. “Thank you,” she murmured. “For not letting me wallow away in my self-pity. I think I needed that.”

Cullen couldn’t help but grin at her. “I’d say anytime, but I really don’t like arguing with you…”

It turned her smile into a small giggle. “I shall try my best to not force you into that then.”

“I just want to help you, in any way I can,” he said once more, as he kept smiling at her. He was still unsure how to best do that, but he was certain they would find a way. They had done so every time before after all.

Cassia let out a sigh. “Everything seemed so much easier when I still thought all I had to do was drink a potion…”

“Anders said that taking any more of the Magebane would only make this worse, you know that right?” Cullen asked quietly, worried that Cassia was building up to exactly what Anders had warned him about.

“I know,” Cassia mumbled. “Everything that could heal while the magic would be held at bay would just be ripped apart every time I stop again. I know I shouldn’t take any more. But…” She took in a calming breath before she looked at him, her eyes full of painful honesty. “Maker, Cullen, I want to anyway. I want to ignore all this so much and just…” Cassia swallowed. “We don’t have anything of it in the house anymore, right?”

Cullen had started to gently stroke her back again as he shook his head. “No, we removed it all.”

To his surprise, Cassia relaxed a bit at his words. “Thank you!” She sighed again. “I think I wouldn’t trust myself at the moment when it comes to that. So thank you!”

“Of course,” Cullen assured her. “I meant it when I said I want to help you in any way possible!” 

In front of him, Cassia looked pensive all of a sudden. For a moment, Cullen could do nothing but watch in fascination as various emotions were all over her face. Thoughtfulness, excitement, followed by something more worrying. Guilt? She wasn’t saying anything, but he would be damned if he would let her think herself into another bad place again. For a moment, he thought about telling her what else he already knew, the things he had overheard a week ago. But as he looked at her, still looking somewhat uncomfortable, he decided against it. After all that had already been said, the fact that she was still here, letting him hold her, felt too precious to threaten it with that particular feeling of grief.

“What are you thinking?” he outright asked instead. “You look troubled again.”

Cassia bit her lip, looking away for a moment before finding his eyes again. Like she wasn’t quite certain if she actually wanted to say something. But she gave herself a push. 

“Anders also told you about the magic being more out of control because I kind of broke my normal ability to keep it inside, didn’t he?” she asked carefully, and Cullen nodded.

“The whole thing about a dam and a flood? Yes, he explained that to me.” It had sounded strange to him at first, but the more Anders had explained, the more it had made sense to Cullen. And the worse he had felt for Cassia, knowing that she had no choice but to bear with it and wait. He understood all too well just how helpless she probably felt. 

“When you said you wanted to help me…” Cassia started but somehow seemed almost uncomfortable saying anything further. She wasn’t quite looking at him when she continued, “Anders said something else to me. That rebuilding the dam, well, that what I broke will take a lot of time. To heal. Because there is no way to lessen the pressure.” 

Cullen nodded. In terms of this particular metaphor, that too made sense. But he didn’t quite understand where Cassia was going with this. Not until she suddenly looked at him.

“But there is one and you could help me with that.” 

When he only gave her a confused look, he saw the hesitation back on her face.

“You’re a templar,” she finally said, looking at him intensely. “You don’t block magic, you actually take it away…”

Cullen blinked, unsure how to react to what she had just said. For a brief moment, he considered that he had misheard her. Misunderstood her perhaps? She couldn’t mean what he was thinking right now after all.

“You could help me,” Cassia repeated at that moment. “You can take the magic away. Really take it away for a while, right?”

“Technically,” Cullen answered, full of hesitation, uncertain how to feel about the mere suggestion. This went into a direction he had taken great care to never even think about. “ _‘For a while’_ being the keyword here.” Magic was sheer infinite power, after all, replenishing itself without any help.

Something in Cassia’s eyes still lit up. “Well, you could do it more than once, right?” 

Cullen scoffed at just how casual she sounded while suggesting that. “Sure, I just follow you around and randomly smite you when you are feeling overwhelmed…” What was she even thinking? Cassia looked a bit sheepish at his words, and Cullen was way beyond ready to let this particular topic drop when her next words threw him for a loop again.

“No,” she agreed, looking thoughtful. “That would be… People would notice that!”

“ _That’s_ your objection? That people would notice?” Cullen looked at her incredulously. How did he end up in this completely unthinkable conversation? They had made their relationship work so far, despite everything that told them they shouldn’t work together. For reasons he did not fully understand, her magic had never once posed a threat to him. And he could only imagine the amount of strength it must have taken someone like Cassia, a mage that had to hide for all her life, to put her faith into someone like him. A templar. There were certain things about their relationship that were not meant to be discussed and thought too closely about. Too fragile was the entire world around them to even think about going there. And now she simply suggested ignoring all that, to break through all those unspoken boundaries without even a hint of fear about what it might mean, and Cullen felt lost again. 

“You did it once, to test the potion. Used the magic drain on me,” Cassia said after a moment of silence, clearly not willing to drop the subject yet. 

“Only for a few seconds, what you are asking now is something completely different. You don’t know what you are asking, Cassia,” Cullen tried to reason, but Cassia gave him a strange look.

“Don’t I? Remember when I got arrested?” 

“Exactly,” Cullen said, nodding emphatically. “You know what templar abilities did to you!” 

But she only shook her head. “In combination with the Magebane, yes. But normally, mages are not permanently hurt by any of your abilities, you said so yourself! And…” She paused for a moment, and Cullen thought he saw a hint of embarrassment on her face before she continued, “At first it was awful. I was in pain and hurt and… well, you’ve been there with me. But after a while…” She trailed off, an almost content expression on her face. “When we were back home? At night? The quietness, the separation from the Fade, was absolutely perfect.”

Perfect? Cullen couldn't help but wonder, not for the first time, just how much she actually had to dislike her magic to feel like this. He had heard from countless sources, mages, books, personal reports that a Smite was everything but pleasant for someone with magical talent. Depending on how agitated someone was, how much they fought it, it was supposed to be horrifically painful. And after it... he had heard it described by people as feeling like they had lost a limb. Part of themselves. And here she was, sounding almost wistful talking about the experience. 

Before he could say anything, Cassia shot him a speculative look. “How long does it take for the magic to come back? When you just drain it, I mean? You said that it is designed to barely be felt.” 

The way she looked at him threw him for a loop. She was so full of hope all of a sudden. Everything in him wanted to make sure she was safe. Out of harm's way and happy. The rational part of him insisted that entertaining even the thought of what she was asking was the opposite of that. Yet another part of him couldn't deny that he was curious. Could he actually help her? She seemed to think so, and as much as Cullen wanted to deny it, even to himself, it wasn’t like he had never wondered, in all the time since he knew about her magic, just what it would be like… He shook his head vehemently, chasing away the thought as he focused back on her question.

“That depends,” he said, his voice sounding a bit rough all of a sudden, “on the person, and on how intensely magic is drained. A day if it’s only minimal. Two to three were the most I’ve ever seen.” He paused, narrowing his eyes. “You are absolutely serious about this, aren’t you? You want me to...”

“Not forever,” Cassia sounded keen on amending. “And not all the time. But right now?” She held up her hand, looking at the icy sheen on it. “It would be just like Anders said, wouldn’t it? Lessening the pressure?” Her hand covered his as she gave him a pleading look. “And I wouldn’t have to be afraid of hurting anyone. Maia…” Cassia visibly swallowed. “I could hold Maia again without being afraid. Without putting her in danger.”

At the mention of her name Cullen thought back to how upset Maia had been almost all week. How much she had clearly been missing her mother. And just like that he came to a decision. No matter how conflicted he himself might feel, the thought of Maia no longer being deprived of her mother made everything else feel insignificant.

“Alright,” he said calmly, feeling more and more sure of his decision. Even more so when he saw the relief on Cassia’s face. With a tentative smile, he added, “This has to be the weirdest thing a mage has ever asked me for…”

She chuckled lightly, and the sound of it alone made his heart swell. “It’s not anything I’ve ever expected to ask a templar for either,” she admitted. “And yet, it somehow makes perfect sense.”

And she was right, he realized. It did make perfect sense. Had he not assured her again and again to not be afraid of her own magic because he was equipped to deal with it? Just earlier, he had told her about being safe around her due to his training. If said training could not only keep himself safe but also her, who was he to even think of denying her? Carefully, he let his senses reach out, pushing through all the remnants of stray magic until he found the source of her’s. When he gently pulled on it, he was almost overwhelmed by the sense of familiarity. Her magic was everything she was. Soothingly cool and burning hot at the same time, he felt like he was drawing a part of her inside himself. 

For a brief moment, he was surprised just how easy it felt. This was not what he was used to. Magic was part of someone. Drawing it away was more akin to a fight in his experience. But not this time. It seemed like everything about this was vastly different from what he was used to. Something he realized again a moment later when he noticed how much he had drained already, and yet there was still ample magic flowing through her. 

“You might feel a little strange, maybe a bit dizzy in a while, just for a moment,” he murmured, a quiet warning. He had seen people sway on their feet from the after-effects of even the mildest and most careful drain.

Cassia simply leaned into him again, relaxing in his arms. “I think I’m in good hands,” she whispered quietly as she closed her eyes. A moment later, her eyebrows rose.

“Oh,” she said quietly. “This is nothing at all like the Smite.”

“I would hope so,” Cullen said with a smile. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her after all.

“The Smite was more like someone hit me, but this is... soothing. Peaceful. Like you are holding me with more than just your arms.”

He could only shake his head in disbelief as he felt the last bits of her magic pass over to him. It felt almost surreal. He didn’t want to think too closely about how much he had enjoyed this just now. How surprisingly good it had felt to find that loose thread of energy and to just pull until all of it was hers no longer but his instead, absorbing every trace of it. But all of that paled in comparison to the feeling of Cassia smiling up at him while in his arms, looking at him like he had just lit up her entire world.

Every single person he knew would deem what he just did to her something horrible. A violation. His fellow templars would deem it a justified one, but still, even they would see it as such.

But Cassia? 

_Peaceful_ , she had called it. And now, she was looking at him with so much openness he couldn’t help but fall into her eyes. When she let out a content sigh, he bent down to kiss her and as their lips met, the last bit of doubt was chased away from his mind. This was right. They were going to make it.


	13. In The Long Hours Of The Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!! :D Thanks to our wonderful betas who have agreed to read two chapters per week, we can now update this fic twice per week instead of once. You can find all of our announcements and also something on our writing process on our Tumblr Into The Dragonverse. Come and say hello!

When Adriene came home, she saw that Bodhan had already put new coals into the mourning fire bowl outside their home — a small bronze bowl with a flame that would be kept burning for a few weeks in honor of the dead. On the door, a golden sunburst symbol had been put up, and Adriene touched it with two fingers in reverence before she went inside.

It was only late afternoon, but she felt tired as if she hadn’t slept in weeks. She had walked around the neighborhood to thank those who had attended the funeral last week for their condolences, wearing her darkest clothes and her brightest smile. It had been exhausting, but at the same time, it had kept her busy. Busy was good. Busy was not giving in to the grief hovering at the edge of her consciousness, ready to sink its claws into her any moment. Busy was not giving in to the memories of what happened. Busy was not  _ sleeping. _

Ever since the horrors at the foundry, she started to fear the night. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the way her mother had looked when she had come towards them, the wrongness of her movements, that stumble, the sickly tinge of her dead skin.

Whatever had prevented her from dreaming before now seemed intent on flooding her with everything that hadn’t been able to come through before, feeding on the bloody events of that night. And the empty house she woke up in did not help matters. The only night free of nightmares had been the one she had spent in Fenris and Isabela's arms… but that was no longer an option. Nor was going to the Blooming Rose to pay for company an option; not after her last argument with her mother. Adriene couldn’t, she  _ wouldn’t  _ sully Leandra’s memory by behaving like she used to. She wouldn’t make her mother unhappy again. She would make it up to her.

Her emotions were still in a permanent uproar, drowning her in the most inappropriate moments with an intensity she had missed in the last few months. Just like with the dreams, it seemed that pulling that grey fog away had opened some sort of floodgates, making her every emotion just that bit too harsh, too present, too colorful. Too much.

But she would learn to deal with it. And until then, she would deal with everything else.

Adriene hung up her coat in the wardrobe and went into the living room. Thankfully, there was still so much to do, so much to prepare that she wouldn’t have to sleep unless absolutely necessary… which wouldn’t be for another few hours. There were still letters to write. Her mother had worked so hard to be a part of the nobility in Kirkwall again that Adriene would do everything in her power to make her goodbye as grand as she would have wanted it. Even after the funeral, that meant a meal in her honor, donations to the Chantry, participating in all the little gatherings in her name. And when it was all done and over with, there was still the task of clearing out the rest of her mother’s room and all the things of hers that could still be found around the house.

The fire in the living room was blazing, too, and it would be for as long as the one in the mourning fire bowl outside. Adriene walked closer and settled into the armchair, rubbing her cold hands together. For a moment, she closed her eyes, just enjoying the heat of the fire as she ran through the next tasks in her mind. It seemed like an insurmountable mountain right now, but she didn’t mind. It would keep her busy.

Adriene woke with a start as someone touched her at the shoulder.

“I’m fine!” she immediately muttered, her eyes unfocused. “I’m fine.” Completely disoriented, she sat up, already struggling to get out of the armchair before her eyes were even half-adjusted to the dim light of the living room. For how long had she dozed off? A hand on her arm steadied her as she came to a stand, and she blinked, shaking her head to clear it. Only now did she recognize who was standing in front of her.

“Anders!” She let out a breath and gave him a relieved smile. His presence immediately put her at ease, and something inside her relaxed. “Hi. I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.”

Anders looked at her with a mix of worry and amusement. “Yes, you were clearly more deeply asleep than I thought. I apologize for waking you.”

“Don’t.” Adriene shook her head, wiping her hair back. “It’s good that you did, I hadn’t planned on sleeping, and there’s still a lot to do, so…” Her eyes flickered over to the worktable, then back to him. “What are you doing here? Is everything alright?”

Anders cocked his head. “I was just about to ask you the same thing. I have barely seen you since the funeral, and according to Varric, you’ve been to the Hanged Man only once.”

His eyes seemed to look right into her, and instinctively, Adriene hunched her shoulders up, looking to the side.

“You look exhausted,” he added softly.

Adriene shrugged. “It’s fine. Just a lot to do.” She looked to the window, a frown appearing on her face.  _ Shit. _ It was already dark; she had clearly slept too long. Ah well. At least she had been spared a nightmare and got two or three precious hours of rest. Maker knew she could need it. And if it was this late, nobody would reprimand her for having a drink. She walked over to the cabinet, taking out a bottle of wine and two glasses.

“You want one, too?”

Anders hesitated for a second, then he nodded, sitting down on the couch. A moment later, Adriene joined him, pouring them both a glass.

“So,” she started, giving him his glass, “what’s up? Surely you’re not only here to tell me I look horrible.”

Anders raised his eyebrows. “That’s not what I said,” he chided her.

Adriene shrugged again. “But it’s what you meant.” She gave him a wink and took a gulp from her wine. Immediately, the warm burn from the alcohol spread through her stomach and into her fingertips. Maybe she should have eaten something first. “Anyway. What do you need me for? Another gang going rampant in Darktown?”

Anders shook his head, looking at her with a curious expression she couldn’t quite place. “Adriene, has nobody been here just to ask after you?”

Adriene looked into her glass, ignoring the slight sting in her heart at the thought of how different this time of grief was from the last one. How she had barely been alone back when she had grieved for the Deep Roads expedition. How Fenris and Bela had rarely left her side. What a difference it was. How much had happened… how much had changed. Before the pain could creep into her voice, she cleared her throat and said merrily, “Sure, Merrill was here once or twice. Varric, too. But as I said, I have a lot to do, so I’m not home that much.”

Anders frowned, but before he could say anything else, Adriene put a hand on his arm. “Anders, I told you already, I’m fine. Now tell me what’s going on. I know you, and this is not a courtesy call.” She cocked her head and raised an eyebrow. “Am I right?”

The frown didn’t disappear from his face, but the way he sighed confirmed her words. “Very well,” he said quietly. He took a small sip from his glass, then put it on the table, turning more fully towards Adriene. “It’s about Cassia.”

Immediately, every hint of a smile fled Adriene’s face, and her eyes widened in alarm. Quickly, she put her glass away. “What about her? I thought she was doing well — I saw her only today, and she seemed so much better!”

The corner of Anders’ mouth curled slightly in a humorless smile. “Like you, Cassia is excellent at pretending everything is fine,” he said carefully, adding quickly before she could protest, “But you are right, she is much better. Her wounds are healing very well. But there is something she asked me to talk to you about.”

Adriene shook her head in confusion. “Why, what is wrong with her that she can’t tell me herself?  _ Is _ there something wrong with her?”

Anders nodded slowly. “Look, Adriene,” he said, taking her hand. “There is no easy way to say this, and I know it is especially hard to hear right now when you have so many other things on your mind. But Cassia is not doing well. And not because of what happened to your mother or the injuries she sustained. Or not only because of it.”

With every word, the feeling of dread in Adriene grew. This did not sound well. Anders looked at her with suspicious softness.  _ No, no, no.  _ This was not good, she knew it. Forcing herself to swallow against the rising apprehension, she asked, “Then why?”

Still with that unsettling softness in his eyes, he said, “Please believe me when I say I am telling you this out of concern — but Cassia has a problem with addiction.”

Adriene could do nothing but stare at Anders. It took her a moment before she could manage a choked, “What?”

They all knew Gamlen’s problems with alcohol and gambling, but that was — Gamlen. Not Cassia, not her careful, intelligent sister who could wrap someone like the Arishok around her little finger! Cassia, who was always in control of everything she did, who was meticulous and thorough.

Anders nodded. “She has been taking potions. Far too many and far too strong ones.”

“Potions,” she repeated, and Anders nodded again, his fingers tightening around hers. “What… what kind of potions?”

Anders sighed, looking as helplessly as Adriene felt. “Magebane. She has been dosing herself with Magebane almost every day for the past few months.”

Adriene’s eyes widened and suddenly, she felt cold. “Magebane?” she asked tonelessly, and he nodded unhappily. She shook her head, her eyes nearly pleading as she thought back to the last few weeks, months, trying to make sense of what he was saying, but there was nothing she had noticed.

_ Of course not, you were too occupied with yourself, weren’t you?  _ a nasty voice inside her sneered.  _ Just like you were too occupied with yourself to keep your mother from being murdered. _

Again, she shook her head to clear it, muttering, “No. No, that can’t be true!” She drew her hand out of Anders’ grip, getting up and walking aimlessly around the room, raking both hands through her hair. “No, Anders, you have to be wrong. I remember how she looked after she took it that one time when we were arrested. She hasn’t been like that afterward. Ever. I would’ve noticed!” She turned back to him with a pleading gesture as if to say,  _ Please tell me you’re wrong. _

“Not necessarily,” Anders explained calmly. “She felt especially bad then because of the Smites, and of course the physical abuse she suffered. With just the Magebane…”

“But…” Adriene said when he trailed off, “but you called it poison! It’s poison! Why would she take that?” Suddenly, the room swayed around her as a chilling thought came to her, and the blood rushed from her head, a familiar emptiness spreading through her. Before she could fall, though, Anders grabbed her, and the next moment she found herself back sitting on the couch. She looked at him imploringly, feeling strangely disconnected and grief-struck at the same time. “Are you telling me my sister is dying?”

“No,” Anders assured her hastily, “no, she is not!”

Adriene closed her eyes, her breath leaving her in a rush of relief.  _ Thank the Maker. _

Anders squeezed her arm reassuringly. “I spoke at length with her today when I discovered she had taken it again, and I think I at least got through to her enough so she won’t do something like that again.”

She blinked. “You knew about it before?”

Anders nodded with a sigh. “Yes. I found out just before the foundry.” She could see in his pained eyes that this was not an easy thing to tell her. “Do you remember when I told you that her injuries came from very powerful magic going astray through her body?” Adriene nodded, her eyes wide. “That was not the necromancer’s magic. It was her own.”

Disbelief colored Adriene’s voice as she only managed a weak, “What?”

Calmly, Anders answered, “You know of Cassia’s problems with her magic, how there are moments when she can’t keep her hands from freezing over and similar things. She took the Magebane to keep herself safe when going out in public. It started after the arrest.” Anders took a deep breath, then continued to explain. “The thing about Magebane is, it doesn't remove magic. It suppresses it. And when she stopped taking it and used her magic against the necromancer, all the suppressed magic broke free at once.”

For a second, Adriene could see those moments down in the foundry again, the overwhelming feeling of Cassia’s magic tingling all over her skin, the smell of snow and ice in the air, and how the temperature dropped… and then, the screams. The copper taste of blood all around her. The sudden heat sweeping over her, raising every hair on her arms and taking her breath away.

With an effort, she pulled herself back to reality. “It was all… her?” she whispered, her stomach twisting at the thought. “All of it?”

Anders looked as if he wanted to apologize to her, as if it was his fault, but in the end, he only nodded. “Yes. And it was a lot more magic than her body could handle.” His hand was still on her arm, a soothing anchor to the present. “She could barely move the next day because of what the magic did to her when the dam broke. I have healed most of the internal injuries by now, but she needs a lot more rest.”

“Alright,” Adriene nodded, her voice barely audible. She still felt dazed by what he told her.

“I’ve fixed the things I could. Physically. But I can only begin to understand what is happening emotionally to her right now,” he admitted. “The Magebane abuse has worsened her control problems — and there is no easy fix for that. She will need time, maybe a lot of time until she has at least the control back she had before the Magebane.” He sighed. “I have no idea how long it will take. It could be another week, or a month, or even more.”

Adriene paled. “That long? But she isn’t safe until she has her control back! What if the templars decide they want to take a second look at her?!”

Anders’ hand closed more tightly around her arm. “They won’t. Cullen’s status will protect her, I am sure of that.”

“You don’t know that!” Adriene exclaimed agitatedly. “How can you know that?!”

“And that reasoning is exactly what might kill her,” Anders said bluntly.

Adriene jerked back as if he had slapped her. “What?”

“She will want to take more Magebane,” Anders explained, a hard line around his mouth. “I am not sure how exactly it will all play out, but she might even beg for it. She might cry and plead. And she will use that exact reasoning to try and get you and Cullen to give her more.” His eyes burned into Adriene’s. “You cannot give in to her. She cannot take any more Magebane, not even a little. In fact, she should not take any potions for a while or she might crave the Magebane again. But if she takes it, if you give her what she wants, it will kill her. Not immediately, but eventually.”

Abruptly, Adriene stood up and walked over to the fire, staring into the flames. Their flickering had something soothing and wild at the same time, the heat searing and calming.  _ Familiar, somehow.  _ For a second, she could do nothing but feel the flames on her skin, her emotions flickering in the same rhythm, with the same intensity as the flames while Anders’ words echoed through her mind.

Cassia was addicted to Magebane. She would have to be protected against it. She needed time to heal and to be able to control her magic again.

“Alright,” she murmured, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, then another. There had to be something she could do to help, to make this go away again. “Alright.” Turning back to Anders, she gave him a grim nod. “Alright, besides not giving her Magebane, what can I do?”

Anders sighed. “There is not much that you can do. Be there for her.”

Adriene shook her head, pressing her lips together. “Not good enough. What can I  _ do _ ?”

He seemed to consider her words for a moment. “It might help if you talk to her about it. She seems pretty convinced that she cannot stay in control of her magic without outside help, and I  _ know  _ she can. But she doesn’t believe me.”

Adriene balled her hand to a fist, her palm still hot from the flames. “No, you don’t understand, Anders, give me something to do!” There was a sharpness to her voice that took even herself aback, but she couldn’t quite stop herself.

Anders stood up slowly, making a soothing gesture. “Adriene…” he started, but she interrupted him immediately.

“Don’t ‘Adriene’ me, give me something to do!” she snapped. “There has to be something better I can do than blighted talking!”

He frowned, letting his hand sink. “And what do you think you can do?”

Suddenly, she was furious. “I don’t know, Anders, you’re the healer!” Her voice got louder with each word until she was just short of shouting, the rage and fear swirling tightly inside her. “So you tell me what I can do! Now!”

Anders’ eyes widened and he took a step towards her, but she wasn’t done yet. Her whole body trembled as she shouted at him in blind rage, “I cannot stand around again and do nothing,  _ again, _ and I’m NOT going to let others do my job again, so you have to tell me what I can do! Don’t you dare keep me from it!”

For some reason, Anders seemed completely unfazed by her shouting and just came over to her, carefully reaching for her. “Again?” he asked softly, his voice nearly absurdly quiet after her outburst.

“Yes, again!” she yelled at him, shaking his hands off, her eyes burning. “Don’t pretend you don’t know, you were there! You were there when I did nothing, broken like a piece of glass!”

He only looked at her calmly, and there was something in his eyes that made her want to scream. How did he dare pity her?! There was nothing to pity, she didn’t deserve pity, she didn’t  _ want  _ pity! All she wanted was to have something to do to make it right again!

“This time, I’m going to do something!” she wanted to scream, but her voice broke on the words. “Not like with Mom.” Again, Anders reached for her, and this time, she let him touch her, warm hands on her arms. There was something desperate in her voice, breaking free at his calm understanding, and suddenly, she couldn’t hold back anymore. “I have just one job, one important thing to do in my life, Anders, just that one. Protect my family.” The heat from her palm had wandered all over her body as she had raged, now it was gone in an instant, sending a chill over her. The only source of warmth in her seemed to be the burn in her throat from unshed tears, and Anders’ hands. “And I failed. When it mattered most, I failed. I  _ broke.  _ I just watched while Mom died, unable to move, to think, to  _ act, _ while Cassia took revenge and suffered the wounds I should have. It was  _ my  _ job and I did nothing!” She looked at him pleadingly, a treacherous burning in her eyes. “I can’t… I can’t do that again, Anders, please. Give me something I can  _ do. _ Please.”

Very carefully, Anders pulled her into his arms. “It’s not your fault, Adriene,” he murmured softly, and it was all Adriene could do not to burst into tears. “It’s not your fault,” he repeated. “What happened would have happened with or without you.”

She shook her head, still rigid in his arms except for a tremble running over her. “But…” she started.

“No but,” Anders interrupted her, calm confidence in his voice. “It’s not your fault.”

She couldn’t quite say if it was the way he spoke or what he said, but at his words, something inside her cracked. The next moment, she was crying, silent, hot tears streaming over her face as she slung her arms around him as if he was the only thing that could keep her from drowning.

For a long while, Anders just held her, a soothing hand caressing her back until the tension in her body had eased somewhat. Adriene buried her face at his chest, holding onto him even after the desperate tears had stopped.

“Is there really nothing I can do?” she eventually whispered.

Anders carefully eased out of the embrace until he could look her in the eyes. “You are not doing nothing,” he told her with emphasis. “Come here.”

Putting an arm around her shoulders, he brought her back to the couch, sitting down next to her and taking her hand. “Adriene, believe me, being there for Cassia will probably not be easy sometimes. But addiction is not something you can fight physically, as much as I’d wish it was.”

Her heart sank, and she looked at him unhappily, wiping the last tears away. There it was again, that black desperation inside her, too harsh, too sharp,  _ too much. _ Instinctively, she held his hand more tightly, anchoring herself.

“I know this is hard,” Anders continued softly. “But haven’t you just told me that you are so busy that you barely have the time to see your friends?”

“Yes, with other… stuff,” she said defensively, looking down. “Keeping the neighbors happy. Not things for Cassia.”

Anders’ hand tightened around hers, and Adriene felt a finger underneath her chin, nudging her to look back at him. He gave her a smile when she did. “And don’t you think that knowing that you are keeping all that work away from her and Cullen does not ease Cassia’s mind?”

Adriene scoffed, and Anders raised an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure that Cassia knows exactly just how much better she would be at it,” Adriene muttered.

“That doesn’t mean she wants to do it,” he countered.

She paused, then a tiny smile curled the corner of her mouth. “True,” she murmured. After all, she had been the first one Cassia had always come to when she had to talk about how exhausting and annoying she found certain people in their neighborhood.

Anders’ smile widened as he saw hers, and again, he squeezed her hand. “We’ll get through this. It’s not like you need to do this alone.”

At his words, Adriene’s smile wavered for a second, but she quickly hid it behind a nod. “Yeah,” she murmured. Taking a deep breath, she looked back at Anders. “I’m so sorry, Anders. You’ve been healing Cassia every day, probably neglecting your own work, only to be yelled at by me for no reason at all.” She tilted her head, feeling like she really looked at him for the first time today as she noticed the tired lines around his mouth, the dull shimmer of his eyes that spoke of mana depletion. Without really thinking about it, she reached for him, cupping his cheek. Anders stilled at her caress. “Taking care of us Hawkes must be the worst.”

Anders shrugged. “I’ve gotten used to it over the years,” he said, a hint of cheekiness to his voice.

Adriene chuckled, taking her hand down. “Still,” she said. “If I can treat you to something better than a glass of wine and replenishing your supplies for the clinic, let me know, yes?”

He smiled, a hint of wistfulness to it that was gone as quickly as it had come. “I will,” he assured her. Then he looked towards the window. “But talking of the clinic, I should probably head back. It’s late.”

“Please stay.” The words came out before Adriene had thought about it, and Anders looked at her in surprise. A slight blush came onto her cheeks, but she did not back down. “Can’t you stay?” she asked quietly.

The thought of him leaving now, of the house falling silent again filled her with dread.

“You don’t have to, of course,” she quickly added when he didn’t answer immediately. “It’s just that… I… I have nightmares. I’m not good at being alone.”

For a moment, silence stretched between them. Adriene didn’t dare to look at Anders, biting her lip, her heart beating painfully in her chest. She didn’t quite know why she had told him this, but at the same time, she knew that if she couldn’t tell him, she couldn’t tell anyone. And she trusted Anders like few others.

“Why are you? Alone, I mean,” he eventually asked softly, a note to his voice she couldn’t quite place. “Why aren’t Fenris and Isabela with you? After that first night, I thought…”

He trailed off, but she knew what he meant. The first night after the murder, when they had been right next to her. Adriene shrugged, a sting of pain in her heart. “So did I,” she whispered, looking down on her hands. “Or at least I hoped so. But I was wrong, and… it’s too much, you know.” She wiped a hand over her eyes and cleared her throat. “Right now, I can’t be with them if I can’t  _ be  _ with them.”

Anders touched her hand, and she looked up at him with treacherously shimmering eyes. “I am sorry, Adriene,” he said, true compassion in his eyes.

“Me too,” she murmured, trying to overplay the depth of her pain with a shrug and a smile. “But well, it’s the one thing you can’t change in a person.” She was painfully aware that he still hadn’t given her an answer, and added, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you to stay. It was selfish. You’re doing enough without babysitting me in my own house. Forget I asked.”

“Adriene,” Anders said softly, waiting until she looked at him. “I’m happy to stay.”

The sudden feeling of relief washing over her at his words made her whole face light up. “Truly?” she asked.

He gave her a smile. “Of course. I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”

Adriene shifted slightly and unceremoniously put her arms around his neck to pull him into an embrace. “Stay forever,” she whispered as his arms closed around her, warmth spreading through her at his familiar closeness.

Anders sucked in a sharp breath, and she immediately regretted her words. When would she learn to respect other people’s boundaries?!

“I’m kidding,” she quickly assured him, pushing away enough to give him a smile. “Just kidding. I know you have a life of your own.”

There was something uncertain in the way he smiled back, but he just nodded.

Adriene turned to settle more comfortably in his arm, a tired but content sigh falling from her lips as she leaned her head on his shoulder and took her barely touched wine glass. Anders took his glass as well, and she clinked hers against his.

“To getting through this together,” she smiled.

“Together,” Anders repeated more quietly.

With the ease she knew so well from every evening they had spent together, they fell into a quiet conversation. Adriene avoided every topic that would touch on her mother’s death or Fenris and Isabela, and Anders didn’t press her to talk about anything related to it, for which she was eternally grateful.

A comfortable heaviness was in her body, and for the first time in a long while, she didn’t dread the coming hours of the night.

The dread only came back later when she was lying alone in her bed. She had taken to leaving the window open to catch every bit of sound to not feel quite as abandoned; but now, in the middle of the autumn night, the only thing coming in was cold air. A shiver ran over her skin, making her hand tremble as she reached for the candle to blow it out. She knew that with the darkness, the nightmares would come back and chase away every remnant of the feeling of comfort and closeness that had carried her over the evening.

She had hoped that the knowledge that Anders was in the next room would help, but as soon as she had closed the bedroom door behind her, the silence had laid itself upon her like a heavy coat. And with it, swirling dark within her, the thoughts about Cassia came back, about what her sister had endured, and about how she could do barely anything to help.

Hesitantly, she drew her hand back, staring into the flame of the candle, remembering that one night with Isabela and Fenris that had brought her some kind of peace. The feeling of someone holding her. Being near her.

Just at that moment, a gust of wind made the candle flicker, the shadows deepening all around her, racing through the room towards her as the flame sputtered once, twice before it died. Everything in Adriene tensed, fear as thick and dark as black tar flowing over her, stealing the breath from her lips.

The next second, she struggled out of the blanket, racing to the door and out of her room, into the guest room where Anders slept before the decision had even consciously formed in her mind.

“Adriene?”

Anders’ voice was already thick with sleep, confusion in the single word as he sat up.

“Yes,” she whispered, her hand still on the door. “Can I… can I stay with you?”

She could barely make out his silhouette in the darkness, but a second later, he summoned a mage light, a tiny warm spark in the night. Something of the tension inside her eased at the sight of it. Running his hand through his hair, he nodded. “Uhm… of course. Sure.”

“Thank you,” she breathed, closing the door behind her and hurried towards the bed.

“Nightmares again?” he asked, worry in his voice. Adriene just nodded, slipping beneath the covers.

“Andraste’s tits, you’re cold,” Anders muttered as she cuddled up into his arm with a relieved sigh.

“Sorry,” she said without pulling away. Instead, she snuggled even closer, threading her bare feet between his. “But you’re wonderfully warm. Mages always run a bit hotter than anyone else, I love it.”

Anders chuckled. “We do?”

“Mhm,” she nodded, a smile in the corner of her lips. “Even Cassia. Except for her hands, of course.”

For a few moments, Adriene was content just being close to him, feeling the tension and black fear slowly leave her. She could feel Anders’ breath in her hair, calm and regular, and finally relaxed.

“Anders?” she asked softly.

“Hm?” His voice was already drowsy again, but the mage light still hovered in the air about them, spreading a soft glow through the room, telling her that he had not fallen asleep again yet.

“Can you do some magic for me?”

“What?” There was an honest surprise in him as she turned her head to look at him.

Adriene nodded with a smile. “Dad always conjured little dragons, made them fly around the room. It always calmed me down. And your magic feels like home to me, warm and soft.”

For a moment, Anders was quiet. His face was half-hidden by shadows, so she couldn’t quite read his expression. When he didn’t say anything, she put a hand on his chest. “Did I say something wrong?”

Immediately, he shook his head. “No,” he said, his voice thick, and cleared his throat. “Not at all. It’s just that most people don’t see any difference between the magic used by different people. I didn’t know you felt that.”

“Sure I do,” she smiled. “Maybe because I’ve always been surrounded by magic. Dad was dark red, like... power. Bethany is darker than you but lighter than Dad’s magic. Softer, somewhat. But then, she has a knack for healing as well.”

“Hm,” Anders hummed thoughtfully. With a little wave of his hand, the mage light changed form, and a tiny golden dragon soared through the air, flying circles over their head. A wide smile came onto Adriene’s lips as she relaxed back and watched it fly. This was perfect.

“Cassia's magic feels like the smell of snow in the air,” Adriene continued softly, her voice getting dreamy. “Fenris is cool and dark, like a star-lit night. Merrill’s magic is like the darkest, mossy parts of the forest. And Justice is hard. Like wet rocks in the ocean.”

She put out her hand, and the light dragon landed on her outstretched finger, sending a tingle over her skin.

Ander’s voice was very soft as he asked, “There’s a difference between Justice and me?”

“Of course there is,” she nodded. The dragon took flight again, and she pulled the blanket more closely over herself, her eyelids getting heavy. “I told you before.”

For a few moments longer, she watched the dragon’s silent flight, but with every passing second, it was more difficult to keep her eyes open. But with the feeling of Anders’ warmth against her, his arm around her shoulder, she no longer feared the dreams. She wasn’t alone tonight. That was all that mattered.

“Thank you for being here for me,” she mumbled, her words already slurred as her eyes fluttered close.

“Anytime,” came his whispered answer against her hair. “Anytime.”


	14. Let All Our Sins Be Remembered

Adriene woke much later than in weeks, her arm still wrapped around Anders. She felt surprisingly calm as if the night of uninterrupted sleep had taken the edge off the storm that had been her emotions since the murder. With a content sigh, she stretched.

“Good morning,” Anders said softly, smiling down on her. He sat in the bed, a book in his hand that he put away as he saw her waking.

Adriene blinked, smiling back. “Morning.”

“How are you feeling?” Anders asked.

She paused to consider the question, then her smile softened. “Better. Definitely better. No nightmares that I can remember, at least.” A look to the window told her that it had to be closer to midday than morning, but right now, she couldn’t care less. She hadn’t felt this good in a long time. Sitting up, she said, “Oh, it’s so late already… why are you still here? You could’ve left anytime, you know that.”

Anders gave a little shrug, looking somewhat sheepish. “You slept so peacefully that I didn’t have the heart to wake you,” he said, watching her trying to tame her bed hair by combing her fingers through it. “And I didn’t want to just leave you alone after...”

He trailed off, and Adriene gave him a guilty look, giving up her attempts of combing her hair. “After my outburst yesterday?” She blushed slightly. “I’m really sorry about that. You didn’t deserve that.”

Anders just shook his head. “Please don’t worry about it,” he assured her, softness in his eyes. “That’s what friends are for, right?”

Adriene pulled a face. “To be unreasonably yelled at and then to endure my cold feet? I hope not.”

He chuckled. “I meant to be there for you. And… I don’t mind the cold feet.”

A grin spread over Adriene’s face at his words, a gleam in her eyes. “Careful, or I might be tempted to take you as a permanent bed companion.” She laughed as she saw the flustered expression on his face at her words and quickly pressed his hand. “I’m just teasing, don’t worry.”

“Of course you are,” he murmured, his ears an adorable shade of red as he cleared his throat.

Adriene’s smile softened. “But for real, Anders, thank you so much. For everything.” Her fingers tightened around his hand, a serious expression coming into her eyes. “I promise, I’m not taking this for granted,” she said quietly. “And I won’t expect you to put your life on hold every time I have some minor crisis.”

Anders started to say something, but interrupted himself again and only shook his head. Then he gave her a little smile. “Think nothing of it,” he said.

Relief spread through Adriene as she saw that he really didn’t seem to mind, and she flashed him another smile. “Let me go look if Bodhan still has some coffee left. I’m pretty sure you have better things to do than spend your day watching me sleep.” She scrunched up her nose. She still felt guilty that he had lost half a day just because of her. “And I’m going to follow your advice and go talk to Cassia. Do you want to come?”

Anders hesitated for a second, then he shook his head. “No, I think that’s a conversation you should have alone. But you can tell her that I’ll be by in the evening.”

“Alright,” she nodded and got out of the bed, tugging her nightshirt back up over her shoulder. “See you downstairs in a few minutes!”

As she washed and got dressed, she couldn’t help but think about just how much better she felt. Just like that night with Fenris and Isabela, the nightmares had left her alone — or had at least not been bad enough to leave a lasting impression. And while the grief and guilt she had carried with herself since the murder were not gone, she no longer felt completely overwhelmed by them. Everything seemed somewhat subdued, calmer. Not like the grey fog that had cut her off from herself and the world, just quieter. For the first time in what felt like forever, she felt like she might get through this day a bit more easily than the last. She just hoped it would last. She couldn’t rely on someone babysitting her every night, after all.

Anders didn’t stay much longer after a shared breakfast, telling her to come to him if the nights got bad again before he left through the tunnel to Darktown.

Adriene felt his absence immediately as the silence spread through the house again. Bodhan and Sandal had gone to the marketplace, and after she had put coals on the fires, she went through her usual tasks of training and answering letters in an attempt to have the rest of the day free to just be able to care for Cassia. It was already late in the afternoon when she finally was on her way to the Rutherfords' house.

The late-afternoon sun was warming up the living room carpet, making Cassia blink and shift slightly, to not have the sun blind her. She had spent the entire afternoon between pillows and blankets, ignoring everything else in the house. Everything that wasn’t Maia. After a week of painful distance and constant worry, the past few hours felt almost unreal. They had been filled with nothing but playtime and moments where she just lay on the floor watching Maia do all sorts of things. Cassia had read Maia her favorite book and they had built a small cave out of blankets to play hide and seek. Even their lunch had been a spontaneous living room floor picnic. When Maia had gotten sleepy, they had taken a small nap, huddled together on the couch before going right back to playing. Cassia couldn’t even imagine doing anything else right now. And when she drew her daughter into her arms a lot more often than she usually did, Maia didn’t seem to mind at all.

Earlier that day, Cullen had gone to the Gallows, informing the Knight-Commander that he would take some time off and work what he could from home until Cassia’s health improved. He had only been gone for an hour, but Cassia could sense he was still worried about leaving her for such a short time even. It wasn’t like she had been actually alone. Orana was still there the entire time, and from the way the other woman never really left the room while Cullen was gone, Cassia could only assume she had been told to keep an eye on her specifically. Something she wasn’t quite comfortable with, but after her long talks with both Cullen and Anders, it wasn’t surprising. And as uncomfortable as she might be, Cassia found it hard to really care when for the first time in over a week she got to hold Maia after all. 

However conflicted she still felt about having asked what she did of Cullen, she couldn’t help but be happy. She had been right. This was helping more than any potion probably could. Truly helping. For a moment in the early morning, after she had gotten out of bed, Cassia had felt silly for not asking sooner. Days without worrying about her magic… It felt like something almost too good to be true. 

As Maia was busy dismantling their makeshift cave, Cassia looked at her hands. They were still warm, something that felt almost surreal. Warm hands. Such a small thing, and yet it held so much meaning in it. Now all she had to do was wait and see. And hope. Hope that her magic would indeed come back slowly enough so she could try and get a better hold on it. Otherwise, she would have to convince Cullen to do the same thing again. He would do it, if she asked. But what nagged her in the back of her mind was the question if she even should. He had agreed with her at some point, but there had been something about him that had looked distinctly uncomfortable. It might not be fair of her to drag him into something like this. Not when it worried him so much. But that was a potential problem for later, not now, Cassia decided. Now, she would do everything she could to get better. And definitely spend the rest of the day right where she was. 

Just as she was watching Maia build a tower out of the sofa pillows, she heard a knock on their door.

To Adriene’s surprise, it was Cullen who opened the door. He looked somewhat on edge even as he smiled at her in welcome, and without hesitation, she stepped up and pulled him into an embrace. After everything they had been through up until now and their shared worry about Cassia, she felt that they had moved beyond the slow-moving friendship they had taken so great pains to build. She couldn’t quite say when it had happened, but Cullen had become family. He seemed surprised, but after a moment, he returned the hug.

“Anders spoke to me,” Adriene said softly, her arms still tight around him. “About the potions. I’m so sorry, Cullen.”

“Thank you,” Cullen said, carefully easing out of her embrace. He stepped aside to let her in, and Adriene took off her weapons, boots, and coat while he closed the door.

“How are you holding up?” she asked quietly, and he shrugged.

“We’ll manage.” There was a hint of unease in his eyes as he spoke, but before Adriene could quite pinpoint it, he continued, “How about you?”

Adriene shrugged as well, a little smile in the corner of her lips. “I’ll manage.” They were still standing in the hallway, and her eyes flickered towards the bedroom where she suspected Cassia was. “How is she doing?”

There was no mistaking the sheepish look that flickered over his face, and Adriene drew her eyebrows together in sudden worry. Before she could ask, though, he only said, “She is doing better. Come in, she’s in the living room.”

Adriene blinked in surprise, but Cullen was already on his way there. The sight that greeted her when he opened the door was not at all what she had expected. Cassia seemed completely engrossed in playing with Maia, surrounded by pillows and blankets, a wide, happy smile on her face as she watched her daughter. Maia babbled something happy and indecipherable as she threw herself against what looked like a pillow tower, laughing gleefully as she tumbled to the ground.

“Cassia, Adriene is here,” Cullen said warmly, smiling at the perfect picture of bliss in the room.

“Dada!” Maia squeaked and reached for him with both arms.

“Oh, wow, you were not kidding when you said she was doing better,” Adriene said, unable to keep the surprise out of her voice. This was not at all what she had prepared herself for. After what Anders had told her, she had expected Cassia to be in bed, wearing the gloves she had sometimes donned when the magic had not let up and her hands kept freezing over. She had expected Cassia to be deeply miserable — but instead, her twin seemed happy for the first time since the murder. But even stronger than the surprise was the deep relief that flooded her at the sight. A wide smile was on her face as she went over to greet Cassia.

“Adriene!” Cassia smiled at her sister. “After this awful week, this is the first day that has been a bit better really.” Her sister looked… better as well. At least better than the last time she had seen her. Cassia had been out of it more often than not lately, but even with everything that had been going on, she had noticed that Adriene had looked exhausted. But not today. Today she looked awake. Rested. She was about to comment on it when Maia stumbled into her lap, the task of carrying around several pillows obviously too much for her. For a brief moment, Cassia tensed as she held her, the sudden weight sending a dull burst of pain through her. Luckily, Maia was immediately scrambling up again. With a gentle nudge towards Adriene, she set her onto her own feet again. 

“Maia, look whose favorite aunt is here,” she said with a grin to mask the slightly lingering pain. And with a wink at Adriene, she added, “Don’t tell Bethany!”

As Maia dragged one of the pillows towards Adriene, Cassia felt a small tremble in her hand. Almost unnoticeable, but there was the faintest hint of coldness at the tips of her fingers. For a second, her eyes widened. A day at least had been what Cullen said. Her eyes found his across the room as she balled her hand into a fist and opened it again a couple of times almost out of reflex. Perhaps she was mistaken. People got cold hands without magic after all. Maybe what she was feeling was perfectly normal. But she could see on his face that he had noticed her movements. The small frown he had told her his thoughts went into the same direction.

“So, what brings you here, Adriene?” she asked to tear herself away from the worrying thoughts, trying her best to keep the same happy smile on her face. “Here to check up on me again or is this purely a social visit for once?”

Adriene beamed at Maia, catching the pillow the child threw into her lap before she gave Cassia a look. “Checking up on you and a social visit do not exclude themselves, you know,” she said, but the smile on her face was only short-lived. She had noticed Cassia’s fidgeting with her hands — an only too-familiar gesture. Worry was in her eyes as she looked at her sister.

“Anders spoke to you, didn’t he?” Cassia asked, somewhat defeated, and Adriene nodded.

“He did,” she answered equally quietly. “I just… I mean, you know I’m here for you. So what do you need?”

This simple question once more. Somehow it was much more frustrating than it had a right to be. Instinctively, she clenched her hand together again.

“According to Anders, I have absolutely no idea what I need, nor should I be allowed to make any decisions.”

The harsh words had left her mouth before she had given them a second thought. Cassia closed her eyes for a moment, drawing in a deep breath, slowly relaxing her fingers as she shook her head. 

“That was uncalled for,” she said quietly, her gaze avoiding both Cullen and Adriene. “Everyone is trying to help me, no, everyone _is_ helping me already, and I sound that ungrateful…” She let out a sigh before finally looking up. “I am frustrated. And embarrassed. Angry... At the situation, mostly at myself, and none of this is your fault. I am sorry!”

“Cassia,” said Cullen softly. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“Sure…” she mumbled as she looked at her fingers. This time there was no mistaking the feeling for anything else, there was definitely coldness spreading through her hand again. Full of regret, Cassia stretched out her legs before getting up from the ground. Away from where Maia could accidentally stumble into her. Taking one of the blankets with her, she retreated into the corner of the couch and wrapped it around herself. Somehow, all the good mood of the nearly carefree afternoon had vanished, leaving behind the familiar feeling of dread.

“I know what I should do,” she said with a sigh. “But I don’t know how… How to not be paralyzed by fear.” She looked at Cullen who had already crossed the room and sat down next to her, drawing her into a tight hug again. It helped. It calmed her down every time, but even his arms couldn’t take away the underlying fear that threatened to come back in full force. The day had been amazingly good, but all of a sudden, it almost felt like it never happened. 

“That’s why you are not alone Cassia,” he said softly. “This is precisely why Anders talked to us, so you have people that are here for you.” He was looking at Adriene for confirmation. “Right?”

“Right!” Adriene nodded emphatically. She had pulled Maia onto her lap, cuddling her while the child played with the laces on her vambraces. She watched her sister with rising worry. It was clear that her first impression as she had come in had been deceiving — Cassia was not doing well. And it was not just the injuries, even though she could still see the greenish bruises where her dress did not cover her. It was the deep unhappiness and pain she saw in Cassia’s eyes.

The relief Adriene had felt vanished, replaced by renewed guilt, spreading black and heavy through her. She couldn’t help but think that she might have prevented all of this — if only she had done what she should have done and killed the necromancer before Cassia’s magic had gone haywire.

But no, this was not what she should focus on. This was something for the darkness of her room at night when she was alone and it was all too easy to lose herself in a web of guilty thoughts. Now, Cassia was all that mattered.

“Cass, I can’t pretend to know what exactly you’re going through,” she said softly. “But you’ve managed it once already — learning control, I mean. Back in the beginning, remember? There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to do it again.”

Cassia’s fingers twisted together in her lap, glad for Cullen’s warm arm around her. “That’s the thing, though. I never truly learned how to control my magic, did I? Not really.” Sure, there had been times where it had almost been no issue. But it had never been completely gone. She felt her usual hesitation to talk about anything relating to her magic well up, but somehow it felt more muted. Not as smothering as she was used to. Maybe she could talk about this.

 _‘If they only knew what goes on inside your head, if they could see you for who you truly are…’_ The voice in her head sounded like the familiar snarl of the demon that kept haunting her dreams, and Cassia shuddered, ready to draw back into herself and hide herself away. What if everything it kept saying in her dreams was true after all? 

_What if it wasn’t..._

Cassia looked from Adriene to Cullen, briefly wondering just how lucky she was that, after all she had done, she still had people in her life that clearly wanted to help her. Wanted her to feel better. So what if they knew? What if she put it all out there, and the demon was wrong? 

“Ever since I got my magic, there has always been something out of control in my life. Something I had no power over,” she said quietly. “And I’ve been afraid every single moment. Even when I am at my happiest, part of me is always afraid. And when I took the Magebane potion…” She closed her eyes for a moment, taking in a steadying breath to quell the upwelling anxiety. “I had such horrible nightmares. There is something in the Fade, a demon, and it’s there every time I go to sleep. The things it says…” Cassia let out a nervous sigh as she looked at Cullen and Adriene again. “When I took Magebane, it was finally gone. The demon and, most of all, the constant fear. After ten years, I felt like I could breathe again. And now? I’m back to feeling helpless every day, and the thought that even if I give my everything, the best I can hope for is going back to the way it was before…” Her voice had turned into a whisper. “It is almost enough to make me not even want to even try…”

For a moment, an uncomfortable silence lay in the room. Adriene had no idea what to say to this, how to help her sister. She had never seen Cassia as lacking in control — she had, after all, made it through more than one direct confrontation with templars even in the Gallows, their stronghold, without giving herself away — but she also knew that Cassia didn’t believe her. And maybe it didn’t even matter since it was her fear that was essential here.

“Well, is there nothing we can do, against the demon at least?” she eventually asked somewhat helplessly. The same frustration she had felt yesterday already was rising inside her again, the same feeling of being inadequate somehow. She was utterly useless with everything magical, but that was something tangible at least. 

Cassia couldn’t help but smile at Adriene’s words. Of course her sister would be ready and willing to fight off Cassia’s nightmares for her. 

“I fear dreams are the one thing even you can’t fight,” she said fondly. “And Anders is right, I know how to fight demons, how to not let them win but…” She wasn’t sure how to properly explain what she was feeling. A look at Adriene’s face, mirroring the helplessness Cassia felt herself every day, made her want to try anyway.

“Demons lie, I know that. Everyone knows that, right? But still, there is something… They get into your head you know? They know what you feel, what you want and what you fear, and they twist it and make you doubt yourself.” For a moment, she thought back to the desire demon that they fought together months ago. “Remember when we helped Sebastian, and that demon changed forms?”

Adriene only nodded, visibly swallowing, and Cassia continued.

“I knew it wasn’t real the entire time but still something… lingered? It was like it didn’t matter that my head knew it was a lie, I still felt things that were real, and that stuck with me. And it’s like that when I wake up in the mornings. I know without a doubt that the demon in my dreams is lying, but the awful feeling remains.”

Cassia held onto Cullen’s hand, squeezing it tightly while she talked. Clinging to his warmth around her. To Adriene’s eyes in front of her. To the sounds Maia made while being absorbed into her pillow tower again. This was real. So much more than everything in her dreams. Cullen’s thumb smoothed over her hand as he patiently waited for her to find the courage to say more. Suddenly, all she wanted to do was tell them just what worried her the most. Part of her was afraid it would make her fears even more real, but another part just wanted it all out there. Wanted both Adriene and Cullen to tell her that they’d still be there for her. Even if they knew…

“With what happened in the foundry, it got worse…” she said softly, uncertainty battling with her need to finally talk about this.

Despite the warm sun falling through the window, an icy chill ran over her skin, and Adriene shuddered at the words, at the images they evoked. Now _that_ was something she could understand only too well.

“Can’t say that evening doesn’t feature quite prominently in my own dreams,” she said with an ease she didn’t feel. “Well, demons aren’t really known for their consideration, of course it would pick that night.” She shrugged, desperately trying to overplay the sudden surge of that feeling of _wrongness_ that the memory always evoked.

Cassia let out a humorless laugh. “Of course. Lots of things to work with, right?” Then she gave herself a push. “And all of it pales in comparison to what happened last week.”

She could feel the cold in her fingers getting slightly stronger. As if her thoughts were unsettling her magic just as much as the rest of her.

“The thoughts about…” she had to swallow, her throat feeling dry all of a sudden. “... about Mom are awful enough,” Cassia finished slowly, every word feeling like she was dragging herself through broken glass to get it out. She could see the flash of pain in Adriene’s eyes, and she pressed her lips together as she tried not to let her grief for her mother overwhelm her.

Cullen’s arm around her tightened, his hand finding hers and intertwining their fingers. 

“What happened in the foundry was…” he started, but Cassia stopped him.

She could hear from the softness in his voice that he only wanted to comfort her, but how was she supposed to explain that her mother’s death wasn’t even the thing her nightmares were about?

 _“I_ happened in the foundry,” Cassia said quietly, but with a clear determination in her voice. “And I don’t mean the magic. Because, yes, the misuse of the potions made it go haywire, but the potions didn’t make me do the things I did in there. That was all me.” She found that she could look neither Cullen nor Adriene in the eye. “I murdered someone. Me. And then instead of being there for my own sister I ran away and left you behind…”

Adriene let out a snort and shook her head. “Well, it’s not like I was much use, so…” For a second, the blackness inside seemed to surge up, ready to drown her from inside, but she fought it back down again. _This is not about me,_ she reminded herself firmly. _Not about me._ Clearing her dry throat, she added, “And you didn’t murder that… thing. You just did what was necessary. And defended us from him.” 

Defending… Adriene somehow managed to make it sound almost noble. As if Cassia had been a protector. As if she had been shielding them from further harm. For a moment, she wanted nothing more than just nod and agree. To take the truth and wrap it inside her sister’s soothing words until it disappeared behind them. Pretending that it wouldn’t be back to haunt her the moment she’d fall asleep tonight. Instead, she shook her head.

“I didn’t defend anyone,” she said tonelessly. “There was no fight. We found him, and I put a binding spell on him. We could have arrested him and put him on trial. It’s what Aveline was planning to do. And I…” Cassia’s throat tightened. She took a deep breath, forcing herself to go through with this. “I lost it in there. When Mom died, I…” Shivers went through her, making her hands tremble at the memory.

“You were in shock!” Cullen said calmly, his hand stroking up and down her arm. “You all were.”

It didn’t matter if he was right about that. Not right now. And even if he was, Cassia felt like it definitely could not excuse what she had done next. Should not excuse it.

“You don’t understand. There was no danger anymore. I know Aveline wrote about a fight, but there wasn’t one. And the awful thing is, I am not even sorry...” Once the floodgate of her thoughts had been opened, Cassia could do nothing but tell them everything that was ever so constant on her mind. The words fighting themselves out of her. 

“I feel awful about the fact that I don’t regret it. That I remember every second of it. When I close my eyes at night, I don’t see Mom, I see _his_ face in front of me.” A toneless, dry laugh left her. “It looked almost funny, his eyes bulging out of his head when I…” Cassia paused, looking directly into Cullen’s eyes as she spoke her next words very deliberately. “When I ripped the skin off his face.” There was a challenge to her words. “Still think that shock excuses that? I tore out his throat. I felt his bones break into a thousand pieces in my hands.” It was out in the open now, the fear that haunted her every night about what everyone would think of her if they only knew. 

She could hear a sharp gasp, but she wasn’t done talking yet. All the thoughts tumbled out of her as she gave voice to the terror still raging inside her in an almost eerily calm voice. “You know what the absolute worst part is? At that moment, I enjoyed every second of it. _Me._ The person that avoids fights at all costs. The silly girl that was afraid of her own sister for doing much, much less awful things.” Her voice shook slightly with the added guilt. How hypocritical she had been, drawing away from Adriene back then. When all her sister had done had actually been to help and not for something petty as revenge. “I have never before used my magic for anything even remotely like this, and yet it came as naturally to me as breathing,” she whispered. “I killed someone that couldn’t even fight back and I felt... joy. I felt alive.”

It was dreadfully quiet in her living room as she struggled to take in deep breaths. The playful sounds Maia made with her pillows sounded almost unreal. Too sharp was the contrast of her blissfully happy laugh to the terrors of what Cassia had just admitted. “Tell me,” she whispered, now quite sure if she was asking Adriene or Cullen, ”what kind of horrible monster does that? How is someone that is capable of that supposed to go home and let herself be taken care of? How am I supposed to be a loving wife, a caring sister or a mother to my child after I’ve been that?”

Without realizing it, Adriene had clenched her hands into the pillow that Maia had thrown into her lap as Cassia spoke. With everything that had happened, with that heavy, dark guilt and grief and pain, she had completely forgotten that this had been the first time that Cassia had killed a human. Her heart clenched. Another pebble on the tower that was her failures. And she hadn’t even checked on her. Didn’t she know herself how heavy such a deed weighed? At least the person had been deserving. And had barely been a person at all.

Her throat felt somewhat too tight, and she had to force herself to take a few breaths before she was able to answer. And even then, her voice was hoarse.

“Cassia, if you don’t deserve care because of what you did, then I don’t either.” She swallowed hard. "Because I completely and utterly failed to do the one thing I was supposed to do, and that is to protect you from having to do that. That has always ever been my job, and I _failed_ _._ "

For a second, her sister’s eyes flickered up to her. “That is not…” she started, but Adriene interrupted her, a hard undertone in her voice.

“Cass, there was no way that _thing_ would have left the foundry alive,” she said harshly. “After what that monster did, his life was forfeit. I don’t care what Aveline wanted to do with her high and mighty ideals, that necromancer would not have left that room. If you hadn’t killed him, I would have. If not for Mom, then for you.” She shook her head once, a hard line around her mouth. “He knew about your magic from the fight, do you really think I would have allowed Aveline to take that knowledge to the templars? Not even Cullen would have been able to bury that.”

Her eyes burned into Cassia’s as she continued, “The only thing I regret is not protecting you from that burden. Do you really think I’d judge you for killing that thing?” Again, she shook her head. “Not even a second.” A bit more softly, she added, “And I promise you, you are not a monster. If anything, what you are telling us right now, how you feel about what you did, the guilt you obviously harbor, shows that you are anything but. What happens in the moment of the kill is not what defines you, Cassia, how you feel about it now does.”

“Adriene is right,” Cullen said, his voice surprisingly free of hesitation. It didn’t hold even a hint of the judgment or disappointment Cassia somehow had expected. “If you hadn’t done it, someone else would have had to. Your sister, one of your friends or even me. Someone would have had to make sure that he couldn’t talk.”

Cassia felt some of her tension leave her as she wrapped her head around those words and everything else Adriene had said before.

“I don’t regret that he is dead,” she said quietly before looking at her sister. “And with what you have said earlier, I am glad I was the one that did it. Because at least for once I could take that burden off your shoulders. I know you want to protect me from everything, but you have to know that I feel the same about you.” It didn’t change the other aspect of what she had done. Cassia swallowed, looking back and forth between Adriene and Cullen. “You misunderstood me though. I don’t feel guilty about killing him. It’s that I enjoyed every moment of it that scares me. That, and that I have never before felt as powerful as I did at that moment. And I am afraid of what that means. What it says about me...” 

Cullen nudged her shoulder until she focused on him before he started talking.

“I think feeling a rush of power in an extreme situation is a completely normal thing. Everyone who has been in battle before has felt that to a degree.” He shot a quick look to Adriene who nodded in agreement before he continued. “As for taking some sort of joy from doing all that… Cassia, that man had just brutally murdered several women. Your mother among them. Feeling satisfaction at ending his life for that is not surprising at all.” He held her a bit closer, kissing her forehead. “Everyone tries to be above that, but we are only human. And sometimes, we give in to our darker impulses and do something irrational. But it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. And it doesn’t mean you can’t move past this.”

“Cass, do you know why I do what I do?” Adriene added. The careful and calm way Cullen had spoken to Cassia had somehow managed to calm her down as well, and she smoothed her hands over the pillow in her lap. “I mean, independently of why I started to learn to fight. I could have become a baker who trains in her free time, but basically, I’m a mercenary. Fighting is my job. You know why? Because I _like_ it.”

She shrugged. “I wouldn’t be as good as I am if I didn’t. I like the rush of the fight, the feeling of power when I win, the knowledge of my strength and agility.” She gave Cassia a small smile. “It’s completely normal to enjoy being powerful. Especially when you’re normally holding back all the time. That rush once you don’t, to feel the physical effect and proof that you can do… _that_. It’s glorious. Of course it is.” Adriene gestured towards Cullen who had not let go of Cassia for a second, seemingly oblivious to the tiny wisps of magic that had started to flicker around her. “And even though I’m kind of getting tired saying it, but Cullen is right.” She gave him a little wink as he rolled his eyes. “That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Or else we’re all bad people.”

A weight had lifted from Cassia’s heart at both Cullen’s and Adriene’s words. 

“It’s kinda weird hearing you two saying the other is right several times in a row, I’m not going to lie,” Cassia murmured with a half-smile on her face. The try at humor couldn’t hide the relief in her voice. “Thank you! Both of you,” she added softly.

Cullen’s fingers drew small patterns onto her shoulder as he smiled back at her. “Anytime.” His smile turned into a grin as he looked at Adriene for a moment. “I mean, I certainly enjoy being told I’m right, so…”

“Don’t get used to it!” Adriene made a dismissive gesture. “And you better remember that I am surrounded by pillows, and my aim is almost as good as Cassia’s!” 

“Hey, no violence in front of the child, please,” Cassia said with a chuckle. 

Adriene huffed in fake indignation. “As if you don't throw pillows constantly in front of her. You can’t fool me, I’ve seen you!” With a playful wag of her finger, she added, “Be nice to aunt Adriene or I’ll teach all of your children, future ones included, the fine art of weekend-morning wake-up pillow-fights, and you will never ever get to sleep in again!”

The soothing patterns on Cassia’s shoulders suddenly stopped as Cullen tensed. But Cassia couldn’t even think about that, too big was the renewed wave of grief that rolled over her. The smile had frozen on her face as she struggled to ignore the treacherous burning feeling in her eyes. 

“I…” she started, now quite knowing what she wanted to say. Suddenly, Cassia felt like she had to get out of the room. Had to leave before she would collapse in front of them. But the moment she moved, Cullen’s arm around her drew her closer, and a hand came to rest on her hair.

“It’s alright,” he murmured into her hair, “I got you.” 

And just like that, she was lost, unable to move or say a single thing. She didn’t have to, she realized as Cullen held her impossibly close. As he murmured into her ear, “Don’t run please, don’t run! I know. I _know …”_

And instead of the dread she had expected, all that went through Cassia was relief. It didn’t matter how he knew. All that mattered were his arms around her, and his hand in her hair, and his voice in her ear telling her to please stay with him.

“What did I say? I didn’t… I’m sorry for whatever it is,” came Adriene’s careful voice, obviously at a loss at what was happening. Cassia wanted to assure her, but Cullen spoke first.

“It wasn’t you,” he said quietly, not letting go of Cassia, giving her a gentle, reassuring squeeze.

Cassia had closed her eyes, concentrating on the feeling of being held. Of being cared for. Where it had felt impossible to even think the thoughts in her head, it was suddenly surprisingly easy to give them a voice. Surrounded by people that clearly loved her, there seemed to be no room for her fear anymore.

“I was pregnant,” she said quietly, but with a surprisingly firm voice. “Before the foundry. That’s what I came to tell you and mom that evening.”

Adriene felt as if someone had punched her in the stomach, dread flooding through her with dark intensity. She remembered the happy expression on Cassia’s face back that day before they had discovered the lilies. The deep-seated unhappiness she could see in her sister’s eyes stood in stark contrast to that joyous glow.

She had believed that she couldn’t hate someone more, but knowing that the necromancer had cost them not only her mother’s life but her sister’s child… The intensity of her hatred threatened to choke her, and she closed her eyes as a tremble went through her. For a dark moment, she wished nothing more than for that monster to come back to life just so she could kill him again.

It took her a second to get a hold of herself, taking a deep breath as she opened her eyes again.

Cassia still looked at her with something like fear in her eyes, the flickering wisps glowing dots of light around her. And just like that, the hatred was gone again, washed away by the shared pain, and she had to swallow tears down.

“Oh, Cassia,” she whispered, getting up and walking over to her. She sat down on Cassia’s other side and wrapped her arms around her as well. The wisps swirled wider, engulfing her as well, but she didn’t mind. “I’m so sorry.” She could more feel than hear Cassia’s choked sigh as she relaxed into both Adriene’s and Cullen’s embrace.

For a few moments, they just held her, until a sound of protest came from the floor and Maia abandoned her pillow tower to come towards them. “I think someone feels excluded,” Adriene said, a shaky smile on her face. She wiped a hand over her eyes, looking at her niece.

“I don’t want her to get hurt,” Cassia murmured, a wave of coldness coming from her hands, and Adriene and Cullen shared a quick look. She could see the shimmer in his eyes, the pain he shared with Cassia, and her decision was made instantly.

“I’ll take her,” she said, tightening her hug around Cassia for a second before she let go again. She swooped Maia up in her arms, who tried to catch one of the wisps, and walked a few steps away from the couch to give Cassia and Cullen some space.

Just at that moment, a loud knock came from the door. Adriene looked back towards the couch. Cullen looked exasperated towards the door, clearly unwilling to let go of Cassia even for a second.

“It’s probably Anders,” Adriene said reassuringly, “he said he’d be by to check on you this evening.” She smiled at Maia. “What do you say, sunshine, want to open the door with me for Uncle Anders?”

Towards Cassia and Cullen, she said softly, “I can take him for a walk with Maia if you need a moment.”

But Cassia shook her head, even though she was still clearly agitated. “No, it’s fine,” she murmured. “He knows, too, after all.”

Adriene looked at her unhappily, then she nodded. “Alright. Come on, Maia, let’s get the door.”

But as she opened the door, it was not Anders standing in front of her. Everything inside her tensed, and her eyes widened in shock.

“Knight-Commander Meredith!”


	15. A Sword To Pierce The Sun

_She looks fierce,_ was the first thought running through Adriene’s head as she stared at the Knight-Commander.

Blond hair beneath a blood-red, gold-rimmed hood, crowned by a golden circlet that reminded Adriene eerily of Andraste’s emblem. Meredith was wearing her full regalia, shield and sword ready; and she wore it with an ease that told Adriene that she’d be a dangerous opponent, quicker than most people in full armor. Her ice-blue eyes seemed to pierce her, and there was something in Meredith’s face that unsettled Adriene despite the friendly smile currently playing over her lips.

“Indeed I am,” the Knight-Commander said, somewhat amused. “And you must be Adriene Hawke.”

Six words, and yet they were enough to send a chill down Adriene’s back. She hadn’t seen the Knight-Commander in person before, and yet the woman hadn’t even hesitated, recognizing her immediately. The realization that Adriene had underestimated just how close tabs Meredith kept on who went in and out of the Gallows made her swallow hard around the sudden lump in her throat. How many of her friends did she know about, did she know about Anders, about Merrill?

Adriene’s thoughts raced, and it took her a second to realize she was still staring at the Knight-Commander in shock without answering. _Blight,_ why had she to turn up today of all days? During a time where she had her emotions so little under control? Quickly, she shook the ice-cold fear off and put on her best estimation of a bright smile, her arm tightening around Maia.

“I am. Sorry, Knight-Commander, I was just… surprised to see you.”

Was it her imagination or did something in Meredith’s eyes change? The smile on the Knight-Commander’s face was still friendly, but somehow, it seemed... sharper.

“I can see that,” Meredith smiled, her eyes intently fixed on Adriene. “I am here to pay my respects to your sister. After my talk with Cullen this morning, I thought it was beyond time I came to offer my condolences in person.”

Adriene nodded, struggling to keep the smile on her face. No, no, that couldn’t be, she couldn’t come in today of all days! Not when the living room was lit by wisps of magic, when Cassia was so close to losing her control, not after all the things that had been said. Not with all the pain and grief in the air that had them all on edge.

“Of course,” she said, furiously thinking of an excuse she could give. “That is…” She trailed off as a sudden bout of dizziness washed away every thought, and she quickly put her hand on the doorframe to steady herself. “Excuse me. Uhm,” she murmured, clearing her throat. The dizziness was gone as quickly as it had come, leaving a fierce headache in its wake, and Adriene blinked a few times in a try to get her composure back. “That is very thoughtful of you,” she managed to say.

 _Dammit, Adriene, get a grip!_ she scolded herself.

With an effort of will, she pushed everything aside, the whirlwind of emotion and the piercing pain of the headache, and straightened. Maia looked with wide eyes at the Knight-Commander, tucking her head beneath Adriene’s chin as she hugged her close.

“To you as well, of course,” Meredith added. By now, the smile on her face had disappeared.

“I do appreciate it, Knight-Commander. Thank you,” Adriene said, inclining her head. “I’m just not sure if this is the right moment for a visit, my sister has not been feeling well today. But I am—”

Before she could finish her sentence, the door behind her opened, and Cullen came out of the living room.

“Knight-Commander,” he said friendly, a wide smile on his face as he bowed his head respectfully. “What a pleasant surprise.”

Immediately, Meredith’s smile was back. “Cullen,” she greeted him. “I have come to pay my respects to your wife. But if it’s a bad time…” She trailed off.

“Oh no, not at all,” Cullen immediately said. “Please come in. I’m just going to get Cassia. Adriene, would you show the Knight-Commander into the living room?”

He seemed oblivious to Adriene’s wide eyes, just raised one eyebrow the tiniest bit.

“Of course,” Adriene said somewhat belated. Cullen gave them a nod and went back inside, and Adriene stepped aside to let Knight-Commander Meredith into her sister’s home.

Cassia was pacing up and down her bedroom. The moment she had heard Adriene call out who was at the door, she had taken one look at her ice-cold hands and the soft strands of magic around them and started to panic. 

Cullen’s hands were suddenly on her shoulders, turning her to face him.

“Go,” he said softly, as he nodded towards the kitchen door. “The bedroom is far enough away for her to sense your magic. I’ll check why she is here.”

Cassia could do nothing but nod as he got up and pushed her gently towards the door. As soon as it closed behind her, she started to hurry, making sure she was as far away as possible from their living room.

But now, she was at a loss of what to do. Why was the Knight-Commander here? And today of all days. When the door to her bedroom opened, accompanied by a hushed “Cassia, it’s me,” from Cullen, she rushed towards him. The moment the door was closed, she was in his arms, the fear of what might happen outside right now sending shivers down her spine.

“Is she here for me?” she asked tonelessly.

Cullen’s hand was warm on her back as he tried to calm her down. “She is, but not like you think. She wants to officially deliver her condolences.”

Cassia blinked in confusion. “What?”

“She doesn’t know anything,” Cullen assured her. “And I don’t think she will stay for very long. We just have to get through a few minutes of polite small talk.” 

A few minutes of polite conversation… Cassia felt the relief about the fact that the Knight-Commander wasn’t here to arrest her sweep through her. It only lasted a second though as she realized her magic was just as wild as her emotions. 

“Cullen,” she said urgently, “I know we haven’t talked about this yet, and I know we need to, but if I have to go out there and talk to the blighted Knight-Commander in the next few minutes, you need to…” She swallowed, remembering all too well the hesitation and the uncomfortable look he had had earlier. But there was no choice. “You need to do it again, now!” 

There wasn’t a hint of hesitation on his face as he nodded. Cassia felt a weight lift from her heart. He knew as much as she that they had to get through this by any means necessary. “You might actually feel this, I don’t think we have the time to go slow,” he murmured, a concentrated look on his face.

“Do what you have to,” Cassia replied. A second later, she could feel what he meant. It wasn’t painful, but instead of the gentle tug and the soothing waves she had felt in the morning, she could clearly feel a much stronger pull right now. Almost like a rush, she realized. Like she got up from a chair too quickly and had to steady herself against the sudden dizziness. Luckily, Cullen’s arm around her stayed strong, keeping her from stumbling.

“How is there this much magic in you again already?” Cullen looked at her in utter confusion as she felt the tug get even stronger. When it finally stopped, she could feel her hands getting warmer. A quick look around her assured her that all the stray magic was definitely gone. 

Cassia let out a small sigh but stopped dead in her tracks as she looked at Cullen. He was taking deep breaths as if to calm himself, his arm around her tense and like steel for a moment as he obviously tried to keep his composure.

“Cullen? What is wrong?” she asked, trying to figure out what had just happened.

“Nothing,” he said between sharp breaths, “nothing important at least.” 

“Cullen…” 

“It’s the magic,” he said, sounding almost dismissive. “Drawing in and neutralizing this much it feels…” He shook his head. “It’s almost like taking lyrium. The feeling is similar, and it is just a bit…” There was a small shiver running through him before he finished the sentence, “overwhelming.” With that, he took another deep breath. “It’s nothing bad, I promise. I’m fine!”

Cassia wasn’t sure if she completely believed that, but now was definitely not the time for further talks. It would have to wait until later. 

“There is no more magic on me?” she asked, just to be sure, and Cullen nodded.

“Not a shred.”

With determination, she took his hand, straightening and putting the most convincing smile she could manage on her face. 

“Then let’s do this!” 

Cassia spoke with much more bravery than she felt. Each step out of her bedroom and towards the living room felt like a march into a cave filled with unknown horrors. Bears probably, Cassia thought. A cave on the Wounded Coast that was filled with bears. Angry bears. Something she would avoid at all costs if she could. Who would want to fight a cave full of bears? But then again, she wasn’t going to fight anyone, she was going to go inside to say hello. The thought caused her to let out a nervous laugh as she realized that she could do this. This was what her mother had trained her to do after all. Leandra wouldn’t have been intimidated, Cassia realized. Her mother would have walked into any room in Kirkwall with her head held high, talking and acting like she belonged there. She would have played her part, and she had been relentless in teaching Cassia how to do the same.

When they stepped into the living room, Cassia felt the trained and practiced confidence return. It wasn't a cave full of bears, it was just like walking into a room full of nobles. All she had to do was be the woman her mother had always taught her to be. Polite, attentive, figuring out the little details of what was expected of her. With a subtle grip, she squeezed Cullen’s hand briefly before letting go, and with an open smile, she walked towards the imposing figure in front of her.

“Knight-Commander Meredith, what a pleasure to finally meet you,” she greeted the other woman with her most friendly voice. “And what an honor to welcome you into our home.” 

The Knight-Commander looked perfectly friendly as she shook Cassia’s offered hand with a firm handshake. 

“The pleasure is all mine,” she answered. Something in her smile felt somehow unsettling to Cassia. As if it only reached half her face. But her own smile didn’t falter in the wake of the uneasy feeling that settled over her. 

“I hope you can overlook all this,” she said politely, gesturing at the somewhat unruly living room. “We didn’t expect any visitors, and I’m afraid I cannot yet spend as much time up and about as I would wish to.”

Despite the surrealness of the situation, Cassia felt a strange sense of ease. This was familiar territory after all.

“Of course,” Meredith said immediately, “And I am not going to impose on you for long. But I felt it necessary to deliver my condolences for your loss in person. And to assure you, of course, that the Templar Order will do anything necessary to prevent such a tragedy from happening ever again.”

At the words, Adriene narrowed her eyes. After she had shown Meredith into the living room, she had recovered the last of her composure, the wild flare of her emotions calming back down to the quiet restraint that had carried her over the morning already. Which was a good thing; otherwise she wasn’t sure just how well she would have handled seeing Cassia coming in all smiles and decidedly magic-less. How in the Maker’s name had they managed that? Had Cullen given her Magebane after all?!

With an effort of will, she had pushed the thoughts aside, listening to the perfect small talk Cassia made and that reminded her so much of her mother. For a moment, she was nearly thrown by how much of Leandra she could see in her sister. That slight tilt of the head, the open friendliness of her smile, the small gestures that signified nothing but cheerful openness; and for a moment, the black grief that surged through her was nearly overwhelming. Adriene blinked a few times to keep her strained composure. But the Knight-Commander’s assurances woke something in her that pushed all memories of her mother to the back.

“Well, one can only hope then that it does a better job at listening to people who actually care,” Adriene said more sharply than intended.

The Knight-Commander’s eyes snapped to her with a sharp look, but Adriene just slightly raised her chin in an unspoken challenge. Maia was surprisingly quiet in her arms, still holding tight to her without letting Meredith out of her eyes.

“Ah yes, of course,” Meredith said slowly. “You worked with Emeric, did you not?”

“I did indeed,” she answered, her eyes narrowing. “And your dismissal of his findings was what made this possible.”

Cassia could feel the sudden tension in the room. Adriene was right of course, but it would not do to antagonize someone like Meredith. She shot Adriene a pleading look before addressing the Knight-Commander again. 

“Please excuse my sister, she is still grieving,” she said, a hint of sharpness in her voice as she desperately hoped that Adriene would not let the situation get out of hand.

There was a speculative look in the Knight-Commander’s eyes as she looked from Adriene back to Cassia as if she was evaluating something. The moment was gone as quickly as it came and Meredith nodded curtly.

“Understandable, the funeral was just last week, wasn’t it?”

Cassia could see the small peace offering for what it was, even though the Knight-Commander’s voice was distinctly sharper than before.

“Indeed, we’ve not had much time to really process all this. But you have my wholehearted thanks for your assurance.” With a pleasant smile, she looked at Cullen and back to Meredith. “Personally, I am glad and will sleep better knowing the Order takes the safety of our city this seriously.” 

Was it her imagination or did the smile on Meredith’s face widen just ever so slightly at her words? Something in the Knight-Commander seemed pleased.

“It has been good to finally make your acquaintance,” Meredith said, looking like she was ready to leave again. Cassia noticed how the Knight-Commander was decidedly talking to her alone, ignoring Adriene in her declaration. “I would like to invite you to sit with me during this week’s Chantry service,” she suddenly added, and Cassia’s eyes widened slightly. “Together, we can reassure the rest of Kirkwall that the Templar Order takes care of their own.”

There was no possible reason Cassia could think of to turn her down, and so she nodded in agreement. “Of course, what a wonderful idea,” she smiled. “Anything I can do to support both your own and my husband's efforts.”

Adriene bit the inside of her cheek hard enough that she tasted blood, but she stayed silent. She had understood Cassia’s look only too well and made a show of keeping Maia calm while her sister spoke with the Knight-Commander.

Now, she stood again as Meredith made ready to leave, Maia still clinging to her. 

As the Knight-Commander turned to her, she said somewhat belated, “This offer extends to you as well of course, Serah Hawke.”

For a second, Adriene didn’t know how to react. She knew what she _should_ do, of course, but everything inside her squirmed at the mere thought of attending a service in the Chantry, and with the Knight-Commander at her side on top of that. She couldn’t. She _couldn’t_. She forced a smile onto her face.

“Thank you, Knight-Commander,” she said stiffly, the blood rushing in her ears. “But I don’t go to the Chantry.”

Meredith’s eyes narrowed somewhat, but her voice remained friendly, as she just answered, “I see.”

The Knight-Commander gave Adriene a short goodbye nod, and hers was just polite enough not to offend. She definitely had not made a friend today.

While Cullen brought the Knight-Commander to the door, Cassia sank down onto the couch, and Adriene silently passed Maia back to her before she sat down into one of the armchairs.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, rubbing her hands over her temples where the headache still pounded. “I… could’ve handled that better. I _should_ have handled it better. Like you.”

She eyed Cassia with worry. There was still no hint of the earlier stray magic around her, no sign of cold hands or anything magical. “Cassia, what did you _do_?”

“What did I do?” Cassia was floored, not really understanding what Adriene meant. “I just tried to be as polite and accommodating as possible.” No matter how what she had said had almost made her physically ill. “And I still feel like I might just puke my guts out any minute now, so don’t feel too bad, I can understand your reaction.” She shook her head. “Maker, this was terrifying,” she mumbled.

“No, that’s not what meant,” Adriene started, but before she could continue, the door opened again, and Cullen was back. Cassia straightened in surprise as she noticed he wasn’t alone. But this time, it was Anders that was right behind him.

“Where did you come from?” she asked, blinking in confusion. Worry ran through her at the thought that he could have crossed the Knight-Commander’s path as well.

“I was coming to check on you when I saw the Knight-Commander of all people leaving your house.” Anders sounded like he still couldn’t quite believe it. “Don’t worry, I stayed out of sight until she was around the corner,” he assured her as he saw her anxious face. “So what happened?”

“She came to pay a courtesy visit,” Cullen said calmly. 

“And you let her in!” Adriene couldn’t stop herself from exclaiming. She immediately regretted raising her voice as a sharp pain seemed to pierce her head just behind her eyes. “I was already telling her that Cassia wasn’t well enough to have visitors, and you just told her to get comfortable!”

Cullen let out an annoyed huff. “You know we cannot afford to antagonize the Knight-Commander, least of all Cassia and I.” He threw her a look. “Not that you made an effort.”

It was enough to rile Adriene up. “At least I did not give Cassia Magebane!” she threw back at him, a barely contained mix of fury and worry in her voice.

“What?!” Cullen and Anders exclaimed at the same time.

An angry line was between Cullen’s eyebrows as he looked at Adriene, clearly offended by her accusation. “I did no such thing!” he said sharply.

Anders was already on his way towards Cassia, a hard line around his mouth.

“Then how do you explain that all the stray magic just disappeared within two minutes?” Adriene demanded, looking from Cullen to Cassia. 

“I didn’t take any Magebane, and Cullen of all people wouldn’t give me any in the first place,” Cassia said, sounding a bit more agitated than she would like. 

She felt the by now familiar feeling of unease coming back in full force. There was nothing else they could have done, she knew that. Just as she knew that her sister and Anders especially might not care much for that. 

“I wouldn’t and I didn’t,” Cullen agreed with her. “In fact, we have gotten rid of any leftovers, there is nothing even around that I could have given her.”

Anders meanwhile was at Cassia’s side, checking her over with a stern look. Cassia felt the moment he resorted to using magic to make sure of her claim. His eyebrows rose in surprise.

“She is right,” he said, looking from her to Cullen before he turned towards Adriene. “No Magebane.”

It didn’t seem to assure Adriene at all as her eyes narrowed. “Then where did all the magic go?”

Before Cassia could think of just how to explain, Cullen spoke.

“I took it,” he said simply. When both Adriene and Anders just looked at him incredulously, he sighed. “I drained her magic.”

It was enough to shock Adriene into silence, her eyes wide.

Anders looked like he wanted to jump up any second, a rigid tension in him before he let out a heavy sigh and leaned back. “Of course,” he said quietly.

Adriene’s eyes flickered from Cullen to Anders and Cassia. “You can do that?” she asked incredulously, only to make a sharp gesture with one hand. “Of course you can do that,” she muttered, pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes for a moment. Sometimes, it was too easy to forget who Cullen actually was. Who he worked for. Who and what he _stood_ for.

But not today. Today seemed intent on reminding her that there was a flaming sword on the breastplate of his armor and on his shield. That he was a _templar_.

She exchanged a silent look with Anders, who was still tense. He held her gaze with an unexpected lack of surprise and something that looked like defeat. As if he had expected something like this to happen sooner or later.

Adriene looked back at Cullen, but he was completely focused on Cassia. The softness his eyes always held when he looked at his wife eased something of the dark knot inside her, and she let out a breath. _A templar. And he is family,_ a small voice said.

“Isn’t that… dangerous?” she eventually asked, more calmly than she had thought possible. Her eyes flickered to Cassia, noting the quiet assuredness with which her sister held Maia, so different from the scared uncertainty from earlier. “I thought it was uncomfortable — but you seem anything but.”

“It’s not,” Cassia answered quietly. At Anders’ immediate huff and skeptically raised eyebrows, she shrugged, but her voice had become firmer. “It really isn’t. Not uncomfortable, not painful, and, Anders, you yourself said — what was it again?” Cassia tried to remember his exact words. _“The only way to make it go faster would be to lessen the pressure.”_ The look she gave her friend was almost challenging now. “Well, the pressure is definitely lessened.”

“I can see that,” Anders murmured. “Do you mind if I still check and make sure nothing is getting worse right now?”

Cassia nodded instantly. “Of course.”

A moment later, she could feel the familiar tingle of his magic ghost over her. Both Cullen and Adriene kept watching them as an uncomfortable silence settled over the room. 

“You seem to be fine, at least not worse than the last time I saw you,” Anders finally said, and Cassia let out a breath of relief she hadn’t even noticed she had been holding. Maia squirmed in her arms until Cassia helped her back down unto the floor. When she looked back up, she saw how tense Adriene still was.

“It was my idea, not his,” Cassia felt the need to explain. Next to her, Anders let out a sigh. 

“Naturally.” He shook his head before giving her a conflicted look. “It’s not a bad idea actually, as much as I hate to say it.”

At that, Adriene turned her sharp gaze onto him. “What? Are you serious?”

But Anders just shrugged. “Look, I am not very enthusiastic about the implications behind this, but in theory, this is exactly what I told Cassia could help.” He looked back at Cassia for a moment. “When I told you there is no way to lessen the pressure, I genuinely meant it. Something like this didn’t even cross my mind.” 

“Of course it didn’t, it’s insane,” Cullen murmured quietly. “It wouldn’t have crossed my mind either, but…” He didn’t need to say anything more. Everyone in the room, except for the still obliviously playing Maia, knew exactly what could have happened. What would have happened if Cassia’s magic had given her away.

“No,” Adriene said suddenly, her voice cutting sharply through the silence. “No, this can’t be it.” She stood up and started pacing, the throb in her head a painful background for the racing of her thoughts as she wracked her brain for everything she knew about the Circle, about templars and their abilities. “It can’t be that simple.”

Cassia’s voice was silent, but Adriene could hear the hurt and defensiveness in it. “Adriene, it helps. It doesn’t hurt either of us; even more — it _saved_ all of us right now. Why can’t you just accept that?”

Adriene stopped in her tracks, turning to look at her sister. Her face fell as she saw the pain in Cassia’s eyes, her heart clenching. She wished she could be as certain as her twin that this was it, that this was the solution to all of their problems, but... “Because there’s a cost for everything, Cassia,” she said softly. “Especially when it comes to magic. It’s what Dad always said. And when templars are involved...”

A thought came to her, and she looked at Cullen. “So, what does it cost you?” She tilted her head, her eyes narrowing. “Could you drain Anders now, too?”

“Don’t,” Anders said sharply as Cullen instinctively looked over to him, a hollowness to his voice and a gleam in his eyes. Cullen only shook his head once, and Anders relaxed infinitesimally.

But Adriene wasn’t finished. “Because if it doesn’t cost you and you could just keep going, why don’t the templars just sweep the Circle once a day, draining every mage of their magic? There would be no need for Harrowings, no need for training, just drained mages going about their normal, non-magical day.” She looked back at Anders and Cassia. “You said it’s not painful, but even if it were, we all know that the Circle doesn’t really care about that. So why don’t they just drain the magic from all the mages? It has to cost the templars in some way.”

“It’s not that simple,” Cullen said, sounding almost as agitated as Adriene did by now. “At least it usually isn’t.”

“Usually?” Adriene seemed determined to not let up. 

Across the room, Cassia’s eyes met Cullen’s. The unsettled look on his face made her feel guilty all over again. She had been the one talking him into this in the first place. But before she could do anything about that feeling, Cullen was talking again.

“You want to know why we don’t just drain entire Circles full of mages?” he asked Adriene, a determined look on his face. “Because it requires a lot of power. A lot of energy. Sure, every templar can do it, but it’s not something that requires no effort. Testing someone you can do without being noticed, but draining someone of all their magic?” He seemed to decidedly not look at Anders as he explained all this to Adriene. “It’s a fight. It’s forcefully ripping something from someone they don’t want to give up. It’s long, and it’s a struggle every time. And yes, it’s not _supposed_ to hurt, but when it becomes an actual fight, it can still be excruciating. For both sides.”

Cassia’s eyes widened at his words. None of the things he had described were even close to what she had felt. Had he been that much more careful with her? Or was it her already broken ability to control her magic that made what he had done look and feel so effortless? Her hands clenched around the fabric of her skirt as she considered the possibility that it might just be her who seemed yet again to not feel the right things. Next to her, Anders cleared his throat.

“In my experience, most templars do not bother with a drain anyway, and if it takes indeed this much effort, I can see why they wouldn’t.” His voice still had the same hollow sound from earlier as he shot a look at Cullen. “Templars are way more fond of a ‘quick Smite and get it over’ approach…”

Cullen let out a sigh. “I wish I could dispute that, but you are correct. It’s how the Smite came to be in the first place. Concentrate all that power in one, brutal moment with instant results, and a struggle is impossible.” He sounded unbelievably harsh for a moment, and Cassia gasped silently at the underlying steel in his voice. She knew he was just telling her the facts, but it still had something eerie about it. Something that sent a chill down her back, even if she knew in her heart that he took no joy from any of this. Sometimes, it was all too easy to forget that this was something he had grown into for years.

“Why is it so different for me then?” she couldn’t stop herself from asking all of a sudden. Three pairs of eyes were immediately set on her, and Cassia hesitated for a second. But her need for answers was bigger than her insecurities for now. “Nothing about what you did felt like a struggle. No fight. On the contrary, I’ve felt incredibly safe and…” She swallowed, not sure if she wanted to finish that thought out loud. “I felt nothing bad at all,” she finished instead. 

“I don’t know,” Culled said, looking uncertain all of a sudden. With an exasperated sigh, he moved, and a moment later, he was sitting next to her, his arm back around her. With his touch, the hint of unease from earlier dissipated completely, and Cassia leaned into him as he spoke. “All I know is that it felt different. There was indeed no struggle, nothing even resembling a fight. It was just… effortless.”

“Now, that is definitely odd,” Anders said, a hint of curiosity in his voice before he gave Cassia’s shoulder a little squeeze and got up to walk a few steps away to lean against the wall next to the door. Adriene had a feeling that he wasn’t too comfortable being so close to Cullen right now, but at her worried look, he gave her a little soothing smile before he got serious again.

“Maybe it’s because you just… gave your magic freely?” Adriene asked thoughtfully, turning back to her sister. “You didn’t fight it, you _wanted_ your magic gone, so there was no struggle?”

Cassia just shrugged, looking as helpless as Adriene felt.

“It wasn’t the only odd thing,” Cullen admitted, looking from Cassia to Anders. “I’ve had to drain people of magic before and never…” He paused briefly as if to try and think of the best way to phrase this. “I’ve never before felt so much magic from a single person,” he finally said. “I have a feeling for how long a drain should take, and this was at least twice as long. And her magic started coming back in a matter of hours when it should have been days…”

“So…” Adriene started, a frown on her face, “you’re saying that Cassia has twice as much magic as other mages?” She gave her twin a deadpan look before a grin came onto her face. “Leave it to a Hawke to be twice as powerful as others.”

Cassia just gave her a ‘really, now?’ look that Adriene knew only too well, and she mumbled an apology.

There was something thoughtful in Anders’ eyes as he looked at Cassia. “That would explain…” he said quietly, trailing off immediately as if he had realized too late that he had spoken aloud.

“Would explain what?” Cassia asked, somewhat anxiously.

Anders sighed deeply. “The extreme effect the Magebane and the power surge had on you,” he said carefully.

“Great,” Cassia said dryly. “So what you’re saying is that after years of thinking there is something wrong with me it turns out that… there actually _is_ something wrong with me.”

The way everyone immediately looked at her had Cassia sigh. “So only Adriene is allowed to make snarky comments now?”

Cullen let out a warm chuckle. “Can you blame either one of us? You do have a tendency to…”

“Wallow in my own misery, yes, I know. Fair point,” Cassia huffed. But somehow, right now that was the farthest thing on her mind. She had been unprepared for the emotions that were suddenly coursing through her. 

“I can’t say I am thrilled about this, but if it explains some things for Anders already, maybe it can lead to more answers. Answers and maybe even a means to deal with it.” She tried her best not to sound too hopeful, but she couldn’t completely stop herself. For more than ten years, she had struggled with her magic, and now, for the first time in all those years, there was something tangible. 

“If what you are thinking is true then that means…” she whispered, suddenly almost afraid to say it out loud. As if the sound of her voice could chase away the hope blooming inside her. 

Anders seemed to guess where her thoughts were going and cleared his throat. “It’s a theory, for sure. But doesn’t mean we have just found a solution,” he said carefully.

“I know,” Cassia hurried to say. “But still, don’t you know what that means?” She felt tears welling up in her eyes, but this time they weren’t sad tears. Not at all. “If there is a reason for this, an explanation for why I had all this trouble…” Cassia’s eyes found Adriene’s as she took in a shaky breath. “It means that I haven’t just been too weak my entire life. It means that the troubles I had were _real_. It means…” With a swipe of her hand, she tried to get rid of the tears with moderate success as the thought she hadn’t finished out loud echoed through her head. That maybe this meant that her father wouldn't have seen his biggest disappointment in her after all.

“It means Dad was an idiot for not seeing it,” Adriene mumbled. “Or maybe he did see it, and that’s why he was so intent on the whole control thing.” She wanted to get up to go over to Cassia, but her sister was already sheltered in Cullen’s arms. Adriene pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them instead.

“You were never weak,” Cullen said quietly, kissing Cassia’s temple.

“So, what exactly does that mean now?” Adriene asked after a moment, looking from Cassia to Anders. “Cassia being twice as powerful as others, I mean?”

“It means that we have a new approach we can work with once Cassia is completely healed. Until then…” Anders shrugged with a frown as he eyed Cassia and Cullen. “I can’t say I’m comfortable with the whole drain thing. But I don’t really have a better idea… and yes, in this specific case, it could quicken the healing process.”

Cassia sent him a hopeful look. “So, you’re saying we can continue?”

Anders hesitated for a second, then he nodded. Before Cassia could say something else, though, he added sternly, “Let me be clear, though — this can only ever be temporary, Cassia.”

She nodded immediately, and Anders looked from her to Cullen, his eyes hard. “The goal is not to keep you magic-free, the goal is to help you build up your natural control again. So no permanent draining.” He spoke with that clear certainty in his voice that left no room for disagreements and that he always adopted when he spoke to patients. Adriene hid a small smile. She loved seeing him in his element. “You have to let your magic come back, Cassia, as little as you might like it. And you have to work on keeping it under control, not get Cullen to immediately take it away again.”

“Of course,” Cassia nodded. When Anders just raised an eyebrow, she let out a breath. “Anders, I do understand what’s at stake,” she assured him.

“Good,” he nodded. Then he looked at Cullen. “And you might want to look into potential long-term effects of draining someone. I really have no interest in adding you to my list of patients. At least not because of this.”

Cullen’s lips curled as if he had to hide a smile, but he only inclined his head at Anders. “Don’t worry. I have no interest in _becoming_ one of your patients.” The smile appeared after all as he added, “At least not because of this.”

Anders huffed a short laugh, pushing himself off the wall. “I’m going to go home now. As usual — rest, no overextending, no potions. And I’m going to add: no drains for the next day at least. Possibly two.”

Adriene saw Cassia’s face fall somewhat, and asked, “Maybe it’s enough to just take the edge off? Not drain everything, just to a normal level, I mean?”

Anders looked doubtful. “I would refrain from experiments for the moment,” he said carefully. “But yes, that might help with the training in general. Our first priority now should be getting you back to full health, though.”

Cassia sighed, but she nodded. “I understand.”

“I’m going to join you, Anders,” Adriene said and got up. The movement sent a sharp sting of pain through her head again and she grimaced. “The Knight-Commander gave me a literal headache.” She went over and hugged both Cassia and Cullen, then bent down to kiss Maia on the head. “I’ll come by tomorrow again.”

Cassia shook her head. “You really don’t have to,” she assured her. “I know you have enough things to do.”

Adriene gave her a grin. “I’ll bring waffles.”

Cassia’s eyes lit up, and she returned her grin. “Then I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.”

Anders accompanied Adriene home to take the shortcut through the tunnel. She could see that he was still worried and took his arm in a gesture of comfort as they walked through the streets.

“How are you?” she asked as he looked down on her.

Anders raised his eyebrows. “You’re asking _me_?”

“Yes,” Adriene nodded, tightening her grip slightly. “First the Knight-Commander, then the draining thing… I can’t imagine this to be easy for you.”

Anders was quiet for a moment, then he let out a sigh. “I won’t pretend I like it,” he said quietly. “But I’ve known Cullen for a while now, and it’s not like I only now realize that he is a templar.”

Adriene chuckled dryly. “True. Still. Knowing it is one thing, being confronted with his abilities so directly is another.”

He hummed affirmatively, then he laid a hand over hers and gave it a little squeeze. “I’m fine. Thank you for asking.”

Adriene smiled relieved. After another moment, she asked, “Do you think they’ll be alright?”

“I hope so,” he said, the worry back in his eyes. “None of this is something I have previous experience with, so I can’t really know for sure. I just hope they’re not exchanging one addiction for another.”

Adriene’s eyes widened in alarm. “You think this could happen?”

“I really don’t know.” He shook his head with a sigh. “For now, all we can do is wait and see. And trust them.”

Adriene nodded slowly, and for a few minutes, they just walked in silence. “Anders, there is something else,” she said once they reached the Hawke residence. “The Knight-Commander knew who I was. I think she’s keeping even closer tabs on us than we anticipated. I think we should issue a warning through our network to be extra careful.”

Anders’ face darkened. “The templars have been getting bolder lately,” he nodded. “I’ll see to it.” Tilting his head, he asked, “How is your head?”

Adriene shrugged. The headache seemed a fitting addition to the dark emotions of these days, subdued as they were right now. “Still hurting. I think I’ll go to bed early today.”

“Varric will be disappointed,” Anders said with a worried look. “He has been asking for you when I was in the Hanged Man earlier.”

Avoiding his eyes, she shrugged again, her heart clenching as she thought of her last visit to the Hanged Man. And what Aveline had said. Isabela’s hurt look. Fenris. “I… If you see him, tell him I’ll come by in a day or two. Or three.”

“Adriene…” Anders started softly, but she just looked back up at him with a bright smile.

“It’s fine. I just need a bit of rest, too.”

Anders hesitated for a moment, then he asked, “Will you be alright? I can stay again if you want me to.”

Her smile softened to something more honest, but she shook her head. “Tempting, but no. As I said, I can’t expect you to put your life on hold for me. And apart from the headache, I do feel better than yesterday.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thank you, though.”

Anders nodded silently, then he turned to leave through the tunnel. “Save me a waffle tomorrow, will you?” he asked before he went down.

Adriene chuckled. “If you come and pick me up early afternoon, we can get them together.”

The delighted smile he gave her sent a warm feeling through her that eased something of the dull pain in her heart.

“Deal.”


	16. No Rest For The Righteous

Loud laughter and the unmistakable smell of several brands of beer hit Cullen as he pushed open the door to the Hanged Man. He had been here a couple of times before, but the contrast of noises, warmth and smells compared to the almost eerie quiet and emptiness that were the streets of Lowtown at night never failed to stand out. 

For a brief moment, he felt lost amongst the many people, trying to find the person he was looking for through the usual mix of happily celebrating and slightly drunk people. Hightown didn’t have anything even remotely like the Hanged Man or the Red Sails. Then again, given what he knew about the nobility and what he had seen of them at official functions, he could only assume that if it did, the mood would be a remarkably different one. He wasn’t sure he’d care to spend any time there.

“Cullen! Over here!” 

The loud call caught his attention, and when he turned, he saw Adriene waving at him, sitting at a corner table surrounded by Varric, Isabela, and Fenris. When he reached the table, everyone had already shuffled around to make room for him, Isabela pushing something that he could only hope was actually wine towards him with a wide smile.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes in here,” she added with a wink.

As so often when it came to Isabela, Cullen was a bit at a loss of what to say. “Uhm, thanks?” he tried. It only made her laugh at him.

“Precious! And to what do we owe the honor?” 

Immediately, Cullen felt the earlier unrest return. The nagging feeling of something impending on them had followed him home from the Gallows, and not even Cassia could dispel it when he told her what happened.

“Actually,” he started, sounding much more somber, “I came because I really need to talk to Adriene.”

“To me?” Adriene gave him a confused look. “You see me almost every day, it couldn’t wait till tomorrow?” 

“No, I’m afraid it can’t.” Cullen shook his head with a sigh.

“It can wait until you’ve had a drink at least, though,” Isabela chimed back in.

Weary, he looked from her to Adriene who only shrugged. “Well, when she’s right, she’s right. You’re here, you gotta drink!”

With a skeptical expression, he eyed the _whatever_ Isabela had given him before he took a careful sip. Relief went through him as he realized that it was indeed wine, only for his senses to be assaulted by a fiery burning in his throat as soon as he swallowed.

“Did you put rum into red wine?” he asked in between coughs, trying to get some air into his lungs, but Isabela seemed unfazed. 

“What else would I put in there?”

Beside her, Fenris chuckled quietly. “You are not here all that often, Cullen, but trust me, you’ll get used to it.”

It was true, he could probably still count the evenings he had spent with any of them in the Hanged Man on both hands. Cullen shrugged. “It’s not really a place that wants to have any templars hang around too often. Understandably.” It wasn’t all that far from here to Darktown after all.

“At least Curly was smart enough to ditch the armor before coming here,” Varric said with a smirk. Isabela’s grin got unsettlingly wider.

“And haven’t we noticed, right?” She nudged Adriene’s side with a conspiratory look before grinning at Cullen. “Robes are such a waste on men who do as much combat training as you do!”

Cullen snorted, putting the strange wine-rum concoction down again. “Is this another thinly veiled comment on my butt?” he asked dryly. By now, this had become almost familiar territory.

“Not veiled at all tonight,” Adriene answered with a grin of her own. “I think that’s what Isabela was so happily observing.”

“Impossible,” Cullen murmured with a fond shake of his head, but it got drowned out by Isabela’s roaring laughter.

The reason he had come here in the first place was still heavy on his mind, though. 

“Adriene, I got called into Meredith’s office today,” he said plainly. As expected, it got him her immediate attention. “Which would be nothing unusual, but there was only one topic she wanted to talk to me about. And that was you.”

Adriene grimaced. “Let me guess, she found me completely inappropriate and wants you to reprimand me? I hope you told her that there’s no use in trying that.”

“There really isn’t, I tried,” Isabela interjected.

Adriene stared at her in fake outrage. “When?!”

“We all tried that, Twirly,” Varric grinned, “and you always pretend you can’t hear us.”

Adriene drew her eyebrows up, a gleam in her eyes. “And suddenly, I can’t hear a thing.” She shook her head in pretend dismay. “Fenris, can you hear them?”

Fenris seemed amused, but instead of responding to the joke, he asked, “When have you met the Knight-Commander?” The slight frown on his face betrayed his worry.

Adriene scrunched up her nose. “She came to visit Cassia when I was there, and I was… let’s say less than gracious. Honestly, I’m surprised it took her so long to complain about me, it was two weeks ago already.”

It was as if her words had sucked all the laughter out of the air, and both Adriene and Cullen found themselves in the focus of the three others’ shocked stares.

Varric was the first to regain his composure. “I assume that the only reason we haven’t heard about this before is that Cassia has played the Knight-Commander like a fiddle. Or, rather a lute,” he said dryly. 

“She did indeed,” Adriene said, giving Anders a smile who came back from the bar with a new round. He had obviously seen Cullen join them, for he had brought him a tankard as well and put it in front of him with a murmured greeting. “That was the reason we put an alert out to our contacts, though,” she added, and Varric nodded in sudden understanding.

“Did she turn up again?” Anders asked, his gaze darkening as he looked at Cullen. “Is Cassia alright?”

“She is,” Cullen assured him. “And remarkably good at pretending. Meredith sounded almost enthusiastic about the talks they had after the last Chantry service.” The thought alone still made Cullen’s stomach clench. He knew he could trust Cassia to know what she was doing in that regard, but it didn’t keep him from worrying nonstop. He turned back to Adriene. “Meredith wasn’t so much complaining about you as she was…” Cullen shook his head. “She was rather interested.”

“In me?” Adriene looked slightly shocked.

“Does the Knight-Commander have a thing for people being rude to her?” Isabela asked with a hint of mirth in her voice that couldn't quite conceal the concerned tone underneath.

“Most definitely not,” Cullen snorted before focusing on Adriene again. There was no good or nicely wrapped way he could say this. “She tested both you and Cassia for magic when she was there.”

“What?!” The outcry came from around the table, undermined by a furiously hissed “Fasta vass,” by Fenris.

Adriene stared at Cullen, her eyes wide. For a moment, a plunging feeling swept through her stomach as if she had missed a step on the stairs. Somehow, those words were enough to drive home again just how close they had been to disaster. If Cullen hadn’t done what he did…

Isabela looked like she would jump up any second. “How is Cassia alright then?!” she exclaimed, fire in her eyes.

Adriene and Anders exchanged a quick look, then she leaned back in her seat, looking back at Cullen. He didn’t seem too comfortable with the question, turning the tankard in his hands.

“Let’s just say we have found a way to keep her hidden for the moment,” Anders said somewhat evasively before he frowned. “But you said the Knight-Commander was interested in _Adriene_. How does that have anything to do with the magic test?”

Varric raised an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you’re a mage in hiding, too, Twirly? That would make for an interesting plot twist.”

Adriene snorted and shook her head. “I think I’d know that,” she said. Isabela was still tense, and she nudged her with a comforting gesture, touched by her friend’s concern. “She’s safe, I promise,” she added.

Isabela exchanged a look with Fenris, and he said in a dark voice, “Cassia is not the only one we’re concerned about. I do remember the last time the templars took you for their so-called interrogation.”

Self-consciously, Adriene touched her neck where Linus had cut her. For a moment, her eyes met Fenris’, and he made a gesture as if to reach for her as he saw the dark memories in her eyes, only stopping himself in the last second.

Overplaying her unease with a lopsided smile, she said easily, “I think if Cullen were here to arrest me, he wouldn’t have taken off his armor.”

Cullen’s eyes had followed Adriene’s gesture, and he could imagine only too well where her mind went, forcing down the rage that still kept welling up in him every time he thought about the day both her and Cassia had been taken to the Gallows.

“No one is getting arrested,” he said, a little more forcefully than intended. He took a rather large swig of the drink Anders had gotten him, which was blissfully not spiked with rum, to calm himself down. When he addressed Adriene again, it was with a much lowered voice.

“She doesn’t think you are a mage, but she does think there is something odd about you. Odd enough for her to tell me to keep an eye out at least.”

“An eye out? For what?” Anders asked incredulously.

“I think not even Meredith knows?” Cullen shrugged. “But from what she told me, she tested you almost immediately after you opened the door, and while there wasn’t a trace of magic, she said you definitely reacted,” he explained further to Adriene. “She said you looked almost like you noticed what she was doing — which is supposed to be impossible for someone without magic.”

Adriene shook her head, trying to think back to that first moment she had seen Meredith in the door. “I didn’t. Notice that she was testing me, I mean. I’m pretty sure I stared at her, I was rather shocked to see her but other than that...” She trailed off with a shrug.

“You said she gave you a headache,” Anders said slowly, drawing his eyebrows together.

She shrugged again a bit uncomfortably as she saw everyone’s eyes on her. Since she wasn’t sleeping well, headaches or dizziness were not as rare these days as she’d like it, but she wasn’t ready to tell that to everyone. “I’m not… I’m pretty sure that giving people headaches is not part of a templar’s repertoire. Not officially, at least.”

“Some of us do take that up as a side job,” Cullen couldn’t help but grin at Adriene, trying to somewhat lift her suddenly much more solemn mood. He didn’t know when exactly it had happened, but over the past year and a half, he had started to see more and more nuances in her behavior. The better he got to know her, the easier it started to become to see when she was trying to put on a front. She was just like Cassia in that regard, he mused. An excellent actress, but just like her sister, she had moments where she seemed almost unaware of how much she still showed. From the silence around the table and the focused looks of everyone around them, Cullen was certain he wasn’t the only one who noticed. But if Adriene had something she wanted to keep to herself, he would do the polite thing and not prod for more information in front of everyone.

“Honestly, I am not sure what the Knight-Commander meant and what exactly she was getting at. But she seemed concerned at least, and I thought you should know. Having Meredith’s attention is not something you want.”

Anders snorted lightly at that. “That’s an understatement if I ever heard one.” He looked at Cullen with a furrowed brow. “Have you ever tested Adriene for magic then? And noticed something similar?”

Cullen shook his head emphatically. “No, I never... “ He cleared his throat as he looked at Adriene. “I promise, I never even tried!”

Adriene raised her eyebrows. “Honestly, the idea that you might do that did not even enter my mind,” she said, giving Cullen a small, reassuring smile.

“Maybe you should, though,” Fenris said quietly. His eyes were thoughtful as he looked from Cullen to Adriene. “Test her, I mean.”

She blinked in surprise. “Fenris, you know I have no magic,” she said carefully. “Why would he—”

Fenris quickly shook his head and she paused, looking at him questioningly. “Not because I think you’re a mage,” he assured her. Adriene couldn’t help the flicker of relief going through her. She couldn’t bear the thought of yet another thing standing between them. There was too much there already.

“Broody is right,” Varric said, his voice unusually serious, and she looked back at him. “It’s the easiest way to know what Meredith is getting at.”

“Oh, do me first,” Isabela perked up, giving Cullen a wink. “It’d be interesting to see if you can sense the kind of magic I have.” The way she grinned left no room for interpretation just what exactly she meant.

“I don’t think anyone needs to be a templar to sense your specific brand of magic, Isabela,” Cullen said in the driest tone he could manage. 

Isabela let out a delighted laugh. “Oh, you say the sweetest things! But can you be certain?”

“Fine.” He fixed her with his eyes, only for a few seconds before shaking his head. “No magic, to everyone’s surprise…”

“Oh, there is magic alright,” Isabela purred, but Cullen only smirked. 

“Not the kind that interests me,” he said, amused at Isabela’s sudden mock-offended look.

“Oh, break a girl’s heart, will you!”

“Wait, did you actually test her for magic?” Fenris was looking from Isabela to Cullen. “That was it?”

Cullen nodded. “It’s a very simple thing, and as I said before, people without magic are not supposed to notice anything.”

“The test itself is barely noticeable if you have magic, let alone if you don’t,” Anders agreed solemnly.

“That was indeed rather uneventful,” Isabela said, still grinning. “Luckily, Cassia has the kind of magic that interests you then,” she added with another wink.

“Cassia has much more that interests me, but nice to see you care,” he grinned back before turning serious again as he faced Adriene.

“You didn't actually say anything. Are you fine with me doing this?”

“Sure,” Adriene said with an ease she didn’t feel. There was a slight hitch to her voice, and she quickly cleared her throat. The thought of a templar, _any_ templar using their powers on her was deeply unsettling, and knowing that Meredith had done so without her even noticing made her blood run cold.

For a second, she could hear her father’s voice in her head, clear as if he was standing next to her. _They’re your friends until they aren’t._ What if there was indeed something wrong with her, what if it was her that brought the templars’ wrath down upon her sister? She had already woken the Knight-Commander’s interest, what if that turned into more than interest?

“Adriene?”

At Fenris’ careful question, she realized that she was staring at Cullen, or rather through Cullen, her hands suddenly cold. Fenris laid a hand on her arm, worry in his eyes, and she shook herself, putting a smile on her face.

“I’m fine,” she assured them, swallowing hard against the lump in her throat and giving Fenris’ hand a short squeeze. Reluctantly, he let go of her again.

“You don’t look fine, seagull,” Isabela said with a frown.

“I’m _fine_ ,” Adriene repeated emphatically, focusing back on Cullen. “Do your thing. Or did you already?”

He slowly shook his head. “No. And I won’t if you—”

She quickly interrupted him. “And I appreciate that, but Varric is right, if there is something odd, we should know. And I’d rather it be you who tests me while I know it’s happening than a random templar coming to my house again or something like that.” A shiver went through her as she thought back to the interrogation. She really didn’t want something like that to happen again. “So, go ahead.”

Cullen could see she was still not comfortable, but both she and Varric had a point, and without further ado, he started focusing on her, reaching out to feel for any sort of magic. 

He couldn’t sense a single thing.

Just as he had expected, there wasn’t any magic around Adriene at all. He was just about to say so when he saw her flinch before him. Her fingers scraped slightly over the surface of the table as if she were reaching out to steady herself. 

Instantly, he stopped what he was doing, giving her a curious look. Was this what Meredith had meant? His eyes were glued to her hand that relaxed almost in the exact moment that he stopped. When he looked at her face, he saw Adriene furrow her brow.

“No way,” he murmured quietly. His eyes not leaving her, he tried again, just for a moment, to find and pull at any discernible magic, and like before, his powers seemed to reach into nothingness. But this time, her reaction was even more visible than before. Adriene’s hand flew up to her temple, rubbing it as she pressed her eyes closed.

Cullen stopped immediately. More questions than answers were running through his head, but one thing he was certain about.

“Meredith wasn’t wrong, you _felt_ that!” he said before turning to Anders. “You saw her flinch, tell me I am not imagining this!” 

“I saw!” Anders’ voice was full of concern. “Adriene, are you alright?”

Adriene nodded, but her lips were still pressed together. “Just a headache,” she said from between clenched teeth. She felt an arm around her shoulders, and a warm surge went through her as she noticed it was Isabela’s. But the warmth around her heart was short-lived as she realized that the Knight-Commander had indeed been right, and her stomach dropped in fear. She _had_ felt the test; just like before with Meredith. A surge of dizziness, as if someone was pulling at the ground beneath her feet, followed by the sharp sting of pain in her head. She let out a shaky breath, then blinked a few times before she focused back on Cullen, her eyes wide and fearful.

“But I’m _not_ a mage!” she repeated somewhat stupidly.

Cullen nodded. “You’re definitely not, there is no magic in you.” He looked as concerned as she felt. “I felt nothing, so theoretically, you shouldn’t have felt anything either.”

Isabela reluctantly let go of Adriene and made way between them as Anders came around the table and sat down next to her. The subtle glow of his healing magic was on his palm as he laid a hand on Adriene’s forehead for a moment. When he pulled back, he frowned.

“I have no idea what to make of this,” he said, confusion in his voice. “It is somewhat like after the Smites. But that shouldn’t be possible.”

“At least I’ll definitely know when a templar is trying to test me,” Adriene murmured dryly, then swallowed. “And they’ll know how to incapacitate me very quickly if they notice.” She took a deep breath in a try to alleviate the pounding in her temples. “You said it’s a mild version of a drain, right? You wouldn’t normally use that against non-mages, would you?” There was a vain hope in her voice as she spoke.

“No, there would be no reason to. It wouldn’t do anything to anyone who isn’t a mage. Since there is nothing there, no magic to latch on to,” Cullen explained, still trying to wrap his head around what was happening. “Well, normally, that is,” he added belatedly. This was an entirely new, definitely special situation after all. One that had awoken the Knight-Commander’s interest. Just when they had thought they had safely gotten through another thing.

“We need to find out what this means,” he said quietly to no one in particular. Everyone seemed to be just as floored by this as he was. With a calculating look at Varric, he added, “Or at least we need to come up with a plausible and completely unspectacular sounding explanation for this that will make Meredith lose interest.”

A grin appeared on Varric’s face at his words. “Look who is coming around to appreciate the fine art of my craft!”

“We definitely need to find out what is causing this, regardless of what story you’d come up with,” Anders said solemnly, and Cullen nodded.

“We might need both, though, because, and I realize that all I am doing tonight is bring the mood of the Hanged Man down, but this is not the only thing Meredith spoke to me about.”

“Of course it isn’t,” Adriene muttered, a tired, forced smile on her lips.

“Meredith seems to have taken quite a liking to Cassia,” Cullen said slowly. “You know how Cassia can be if she wants to be charming.”

Fenris let out a huff. “It worked on the Arishok of all people, no one should be surprised that it works on the Knight-Commander as well.”

Cullen couldn’t quite hide his worry when he spoke, “It’s working a little too well for my taste. She seems to genuinely like Cassia, and at the same time, she really doesn’t seem all that fond of you.” He looked at Adriene. “From the way she spoke, I feel she might have looked into you. Your time in Kirkwall, your work, maybe even your contacts, I am not sure.” He swallowed as he remembered the Knight-Commander’s parting words to him. “She quite directly told me that I should, and I quote, _‘try more to make sure that my wife isn’t too exposed to that kind of influence’._..” His voice left no doubt about what he thought of Meredith’s suggestion.

At Cullen’s words, Adriene’s breath lodged in her throat, and she looked from Anders to Fenris with wide eyes as she paled. The apostate. The escaped slave with valuable lyrium edged into his skin. _Merrill._

“If that is true, you’re all in danger,” she breathed. Her thoughts raced, jumping from one scenario to the next. “You should leave Kirkwall,” she said, her stomach twisting itself even as she spoke.

“Not going to happen,” Isabela said immediately, a hard note to her voice.

“Isabela is right,” Fenris nodded. “I said I’m done running. The Knight-Commander won’t change that.” He folded his arms in front of his chest. “Also, if you think we’re going to leave you and Cassia alone with this, you’re sorely mistaken.”

Anders just nodded in silent agreement, a flicker of white in his eyes.

“It will take more than Meredith to chase me out of my city,” Varric said calmly, casually laying a hand on Bianca. “I’ve seen her grab at power before and I’m not gonna cower to the likes of her.”

Adriene blinked a few times to keep the burning in her eyes at bay, letting out a breath as she looked at her friends. She knew better than to try and dissuade them, and she was more than touched. The rush of emotions going through her was enough to make her have to swallow hard before she was able to speak again.

“You’re all stupid. And reckless.” The touched and affectionate smile on her lips belied her words as she looked at them.

“We love you too, Twirly,” Varric smiled.

Adriene shook her head at him, then her eyes flew back to Cullen, burning into him. “Can you ascertain that she’s completely focused on me? Because I can be… an opponent she’s not ready for.” The smile on her lips grew sharp. “I might not be Cassia, but I am my mother’s daughter, and that is something she hasn’t quite dealt with before.”

“I’ll try my best to find out without drawing any more attention to you,” Cullen agreed. But something about what Adriene had just said only furthered the unease in him. “I’m not sure antagonizing Meredith is the wise thing to do, though,” he added carefully. 

Anders sighed. “I can’t believe I am saying this, but Cullen might be right there.”

“I’m not trying to antagonize her,” Adriene said immediately, with a shake of her head.

“You just called yourself an _‘opponent’_ with a rather dangerous glint in your eyes,” Cullen said matter-of-factly. “I am sure you can hold your own against her, but please think about the position you are putting Cassia in if you actively start making noise in the city.” 

Varric sounded thoughtful as he leaned back, looking over the entire group for a moment before he spoke, “If you wanna strengthen your general standing in the city, Twirly, you should be fine, but be aware that you are making yourself a target if you try and openly speak against the Knight-Commander. So be careful there.” He looked absolutely serious for a moment. “You weren’t around back then, but trust me, you don’t want to end up like the old Viscount.”

“Oh?” Isabela perked up. “What happened to him?” 

“He had a difference of opinion with our dear Meredith. It didn’t end too well for him. You might wanna read up on what happened after he tried to oust the templars from the city some time,” Varric suggested. “Not before dinner though, it’s a rather bloody tale, and the dear Knight-Commander was the one coming out of it with both bloody hands and as the de-facto ruler of the city.”

“Rumor has it that she not only overthrew the Viscount but also personally executed him,” Anders added, sounding more than just a little unsettled.

“That’s not a rumor.” Cullen’s voice sounded flat, emotionless. He remembered all too well how his own stomach had turned when he had found that bit out, shortly after he had started to look into Meredith. He looked at Adriene whose eyes had widened significantly. “I know you’ll do what you think is necessary to protect your own. But, by the Maker, please be beyond careful about it!” 

“I promise,” Adriene nodded, even though the sharpness hadn’t quite left her eyes. “I’m not going to endanger anyone, least of all Cassia. But trust me. You can oppose someone without _opposing_ them. As I said, my mother’s daughter.” A grimace came on her face as her facade crumbled somewhat and she rubbed a hand over her eyes. “With my father’s headaches right now,” she mumbled. “Blight. Last time, this lasted through the night. Anders, you wouldn’t have something to knock me out?”

Bela immediately pushed her glass over. “I have something to knock you out,” she proposed.

Adriene sent her a telling look even though a smile was in the corner of her mouth. These last few weeks had somewhat helped to bring something like normalcy back into their friendship — neither had mentioned the night after the murder again nor what had been said in the Hanged Man. Isabela had resumed her flirting, and if it was a bit more laid back than it used to be and never resulted in anything more than banter, both pretended not to notice. With Fenris, it was a bit more complicated. She was careful to avoid coming too close to him to not make him uncomfortable. Touches had become rare again, but there were moments where she caught him looking at her with an expression in his eyes she couldn’t quite interpret, and that never failed to send a sting of longing through her. But other than that, he seemed as eager as she was to go back to what their friendship had been before that night. Before her confession.

“Bela, if I want more pain once I wake, I’m sure this would work, but I was hoping to be functional afterward.”

Isabela shook her head with a roll of her eyes. “Boring,” she sighed.

Adriene’s smile deepened. “I know, but I have to prepare a dinner for the day after tomorrow for some of the nobles who donated to the Chantry in Mom’s name, I need to be on my best,” she explained.

“Another dinner?” Cullen asked, surprised. “That’s the third in the last two weeks, isn’t it?”

She nodded. “I’m not gonna let Mom’s work go to waste,” she just said, as if that was explanation enough, then looked back at Anders, raising her eyebrows in an unspoken question.

He seemed still worried, but after a moment of hesitation, he nodded. “I might have something. I’m not sure if it’ll work as intended since this I’m not quite sure what actually caused this, but there is one thing I can try. We have to go to the clinic though.”

“Let’s do this then,” she agreed. As she stood up, though, an only too familiar voice cut through her thoughts. 

“And here I thought I might be able to grab a drink before we leave again.”

Adriene froze, her eyes widening as she looked at the man standing behind Cullen with a smirk on his lips, his dark hair falling unruly into his face. He wore a blue-and-silver plated armor beneath a shining breastplate with the winged symbol of the Grey Wardens.

The next second, she was scrambling out from behind the table, every worry and headache forgotten as she flew in his arms with a joyous exclamation.

“Carver!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half through Book 2!! 🥰 We're so excited to share this story with you all — and the second half picks up a lot of pace — and cannot wait to hear your thoughts on it all! The second book is also complete, and we're close to 60k into the third book. \o/ For updates on our progress, little WIPs or Snippets or just asking questions that you don't want to leave in the comments, head over to our [Tumblr Into The Dragonverse](https://intothedragonverse.tumblr.com) ♥


	17. Falling Far Out Of Sight

“Carver!”

A mix of laughter and tears bubbled up in Adriene as she hugged her brother close, the throbbing in her head momentarily forgotten. “Oh, I can’t believe you’re here!”

“Hey Ria,” he said, and she could hear the smile in his voice. “Maker, it’s good to see you.”

She pushed him at arm’s length to look at him, her cheeks wet even as she laughed at him. He had changed so much in those two years she hadn’t seen him. At first, she thought he had grown, but then she noticed that he just stood straighter; all of his youthful slumping gone. His features were more defined, sharper, his green eyes bright against his copper skin. Angles that hadn’t been there before marked his face, dark stubble on his chin and jaw, and a thin scar crossing from his forehead over his eyebrow. But even more poignant than those physical changes was the way he held himself. His whole presence seemed bigger, somehow. The little frown that had always marked him, the seemingly permanent discontentment that had formed an early line between his eyebrows had smoothed over. Instead, there was a smile playing in the corner of his mouth and a self-assured gleam in his eyes that reminded her so much of her father that it nearly hurt. Maker, he had grown up.

“Junior,” Varric laughed, getting up. “I expected you a few days ago already.”

Carver shrugged and clasped hands with him. “Storm at sea delayed us for a few days. But I take it I’m still on time.”

Varric just nodded. “You are. Welcome back to Kirkwall.”

“You knew he would come?” Adriene asked, not quite sure whether she should be annoyed that her friend had kept it from her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to surprise you,” Varric shrugged. “Felt like you could use a positive surprise for once.”

“His words, I settled for ‘surprise’,” Carver quipped, and Adriene laughed, elbowing him in the side.

“Ass. As if I wouldn’t be happy to see you!”

Carver grinned, and Adriene was glad to see that there was still something of the youthfulness in him he had when he left with Cassia for the Deep Roads. By now, the others had stood up and greeted him as well, clasping hands and clapping shoulders.

“And that’s our brother-in-law, Cullen,” Adriene beamed as she introduced him.

“Nice to finally meet you,” Cullen said with a smile, clasping hands with him.

Carver eyed him with interest. “Likewise, Knight-Captain Rutherford.”

“Call me Cullen.”

“Well then, Cullen. I’m Carver.” He nodded. “We actually met once or twice before.” He looked over to his sister with a grin. “I distinctly remember Adriene yelling at you in the Gallows. Honestly, I’m surprised it never escalated.”

“Oh, it came close. But don’t worry, I still do that sometimes. Yell at him, I mean,” Adriene grinned back.

“No, you don’t,” Varric interjected.

Adriene immediately hushed him. “Hey, I have a reputation to keep!”

Varric chuckled. “Hate to tell you, Twirly, but I think at least in respect to Cullen, that one’s a goner.”

Isabela’s eyes had an only too well-known spark in them as she hugged Carver and looked him up and down. “Mhmm,” she purred, raising an appreciative eyebrow. “You've certainly... filled out, Carver. Shame, really. I hear joining the Wardens separates the men from their ‘boys’.” A grin spread over her lips, but instead of blushing and muttering like he would have back before the Deep Roads, Carver held her eyes, and that smirk came back on his lips.

“We rarely have children, true.” He tilted his head and leaned a bit forward as if to tell her a great secret. “But don't worry, that just means I try ever so much harder.”

Adriene’s mouth fell open, unsure whether she should be shocked or amused by his response.

“Carver!” she exclaimed the same time that Isabela’s eyes lit up in delight.

“Ooh, I like you all grown up!” she smirked, and Adriene gasped even as the rest of the table erupted in laughter.

“No, you don't!” Adriene boxed Isabela on the shoulder before she turned to Carver, raising a finger. “No, she doesn't!”

Carver just laughed, holding up both hands, and Varric shook his head. “Junior took down the Rivaini? Who's telling this story?” he muttered.

“I think you need to update a few characteristics,” Fenris said with a dry chuckle.

“Everybody, go sit down,” Adriene ushered them back to the table before she turned towards the bar. “Corff!” she called out, her eyes sparking. The barkeep raised his chin in question. “Next round for everyone is on me — my brother has come home!”

A cheer went through the Hanged Man, and for the next few minutes, the ruckus in the tavern rose to near unbearable heights. Several people came over, clapping Carver on the shoulder and raising their cups to them. A few knew him from back in the day and were happy to exchange some words with him.

Anders gave Adriene a questioning look as he saw her massaging her temple, even while she was watching Carver with a smile. She made a dismissive gesture, but when he drew his eyebrows together in disapproval, she sighed.

“I can manage for a bit longer,” she murmured to him. “I just don’t want to spoil this, you know?”

“I understand,” he answered equally quietly. “But please—”

Adriene interrupted him. “I’ll let you know before it gets worse, I promise.” She gave him a smile, and he nodded.

Slowly, the noise in the Hanged Man went back to normal volumes, the usual mix of laughter, yelling, and bad singing making it impossible to distinguish the various voices from another. Corff brought them another round, and Adriene slipped him a few sovereigns to keep the crowd happy. Once they were all back around the table, she threw an arm around Carver’s shoulders.

“Why didn’t you tell me you’d come?” she complained, still smiling widely. “Was it really only to be a surprise?” The way his smile faltered somewhat at her question, though, sobered her up in an instant. “Something’s happened,” she noted, worry rising in her.

Carver sighed, then he nodded. “Something has indeed happened.”

He looked at Varric, but the dwarf shook his head. “Nothing on this end yet. And so far, the Carta has not raised its ugly head.”

“Carta?” Adriene perked up. “What’s going on? And how do you know about it, Varric, but I don’t?”

Varric made a soothing gesture. “Because there was nothing to tell, Twirly. I had gotten intel that the Carta had sailed for Amaranthine, so I informed Junior of it. Didn’t think anything of it, though, just wanted to make sure that they’re prepared for trouble in case it came.”

“And it did,” Carver said darkly, his fingers closing around his tankard. “They tried to ambush Bethany when she was out on a walk.”

“What?!” Adriene stared at him with wide eyes. She wasn’t the only one; the tension around the table was nearly physically palpable. “Is she alright?”

“She is,” Carver nodded. “I think they judged her the weakest link of all of us.”

A short snort wrung from Adriene’s throat, her eyes dark. At Cullen’s questioning look, she only said, “We’re Hawkes. There is no weak link.”

The grim smile on Carver’s face mirrored the look in her eyes as he nodded. “She would have crushed them even without Sebastian. According to them, they were acting… weird.”

Fenris frowned. He had his arms braced on the table, leaning forward. “Weird how?”

“Looks like they were calling out for ‘the blood of the Hawke’, and even when their defeat was inevitable, they didn’t run or stop, just kept attacking.” He turned to Varric with a short shake of his head. “This was no normal Carta, Varric. They were fanatics.”

“Shit,” Varric murmured. “I thought something was off, but I kept blaming it on a bad meal. Should’ve listened to my gut.”

“The blood of the Hawke?” Fenris said slowly. “That sounds…” He trailed off, but his eyes inevitably wandered to Cullen.

“Blood magic?” Cullen’s voice dropped, barely audible over the noise in the tavern. He mirrored his frown, tension in his shoulders.

“Nah,” Varric shook his head dismissively. “The Carta doesn’t deal with mages and even less with blood mages. If anyone has an even deeper distrust of magic than templars, it’s the Carta.”

Isabela snorted. “Oh, come on, Varric. Lyrium? We all know they smuggle it.”

Varric held up his hand. “Oh, they deal with mages, but they don’t _deal_ with _mages_ if you take my meaning.”

Adriene looked to Carver who listened intently. “You think it’s something else,” she said quietly.

His eyes flickered to her, the intent look on his face softening somewhat as he looked at her. “I don’t know,” he confessed. “Magic or not, something is definitely off about this, though. Before the attack on Bethany, there was an attempted break-in into my quarters. A dwarf, too.”

Isabela threw back the rest of her drink, shaking her head as she leaned forward. “Well, I know from a friend who is in the Crows that there are contracts who span whole families. Could that be it? Someone who put a contract on your father which has now been extended to his kids?”

Anders frowned. “But does the Carta take such contracts?”

Varric shrugged. “I wouldn’t put much past them. But it would be the first time I heard of anything like this.” He pushed himself up, that calculating gleam he got when he smelled a story in his eyes. “I’m going to get my people on it. I’m sure we’ll know more soon. Meanwhile…” He looked at Cullen. “You might want to up the security around your house. If they’re after descendants of Malcolm Hawke, Maia is one of them, too.”

Cullen was already getting up, giving them a stern nod that couldn’t quite hide the worry in his eyes. “I had the same thought. Let me know the moment you know more.” He looked at Adriene and Carver. “Do you want to join me on the way back?”

Adriene shook her head, glancing over to Anders who inclined his head and emptied his drink, too. “We’ll go through Darktown. But thanks.”

“Be careful. Carver, will you come by tomorrow?”

Carver gave Cullen a smile. “I had planned on it. Cassia would have my head if I didn’t come to see her — and I haven’t met my niece yet.”

Cullen nodded, his face softening at the mention of his daughter. “Then I’ll see you tomorrow.”

It still took quite some more time until Adriene, Carver, and Anders were on their way to Darktown. Adriene kept close to Carver, one arm slung around him, content to just listen to the soft conversation between the two men. She still couldn’t quite believe that he was here, after all this time. She had known, of course, that he was safe and sound with the Wardens, had written and received letters, but seeing him was still something else. For the first time, it felt like she finally understood deep in her heart that he was indeed safe. That he was more than safe, that he was _well_. She had never seen him so self-assured, so confident.

The headache that Cullen had caused earlier with his tries to find her non-existent magic had receded to a low throb in her temples, dulling the edges of the world around her. Tiredness lay heavily on her limbs, making every step an effort. But even that couldn’t spoil the relieved joy at seeing Carver.

“Warden-Constable, hm?” Anders asked, sounding impressed. “You came far in a short time. It seems you’ve taken to life as a Warden. I figured you for the type.”

Carver gave him a side-long look. “Other than you, you mean?” he said dryly.

A shadow came onto Anders’ face, but before he could say something, Carver waved a hand. “It’s fine, Anders. It’s not for everyone. I do have something for you from the Commander, though.”

“You do?” Anders raised his eyebrows in surprise. “I figured that the way I left, she’d…”

“Oh, she was mad alright,” Carver interrupted, but there was no sharpness in his voice. “She thought both you and Justice dead, after all. And I’m pretty sure once you come back to Amaranthine, you’ll get your ears cuffed.”

Anders’ eyes darkened. “I’m not going back,” he said shortly.

Carver just gave him a look, and for a few moments, silence fell. Eventually, he said, “The Commander doesn’t expect you to, you know.” He rummaged in his pocket for a second, then handed Anders a letter. “But she still counts you among our ranks. I’m going to make your presence in Kirkwall official, so the templars can’t touch you.”

Anders had stopped to read the letter, now he looked up, a frown in his face. “I didn’t ask for her help!”

Carver just shrugged. “You’re getting it nonetheless. You could try some gratefulness for once. Not everyone is out to get you, you know.”

Something in Anders’ eyes flared up. “I’m not—” he started testily, but Adriene interrupted him.

“Anders, Carver, please.” She gave both of them a tired look. “Can we postpone the fighting until tomorrow? Then you can get all the Warden cockfighting out of your system for all I care.”

Both turned to look at her, and Anders took a breath as he saw the dark circles beneath her eyes, mumbling an apology. Adriene just shook her head at them.

“Seriously,” she said. “Also, anything that keeps you safe from the templars is a good thing in my book, Anders, so even if you don’t take it, I will.”

Anders did not seem convinced but he did not argue anymore, just pocketed the letter Carver had given him in silence.

As they resumed their way to the clinic, Carver snorted. “Cockfighting, really?”

Adriene chuckled slightly. “Or whatever you Wardens do to get conflicts out of the way.”

“I bet Isabela would like to watch that,” he grinned, only to get a sharp elbow into his side. “Outch! Fine, I’ll be good.”

They had arrived at Anders’ clinic, and while Anders rummaged through his potions to find the one he wanted to give Adriene and that would hopefully allow her to fall asleep despite the headache, she filled Carver in on the events of the evening and the last few weeks. The longer she talked, the quieter he got, and the line between his eyebrows she remembered so well reappeared.

“I’m sorry,” Carver said quietly after they had bid Anders goodnight and walked through the tunnel to the secret entrance into their home.

“For what?” Adriene asked, fishing the key from its hiding place and turning it in the lock.

“That I wasn’t here. I keep thinking that if Bethany and I had been here…”

He trailed off when Adriene put a hand on his arm. Her heart clenched as she looked at him. This was not what she wanted to have him take back to Amaranthine — he should not carry guilt for what happened. It was enough that she did. “No, Carver. Don’t do this to yourself. You couldn’t have changed a thing, believe me.” She tilted her head slightly, giving him a slight smile. “And I promise, neither Cassia nor I begrudge you or Bethany for not being here. You have a life, responsibility, friends in Amaranthine. I would not wish for any of that to change.” Her fingers tightened around his arm. “And you’re here now. That is more than enough.”

He held her gaze for a second, then his face softened as he inclined his head. “And I’ll be here for as long as it is necessary for us to clear this whole Carta mess up.”

Adriene grinned. “Just wait. Give it a week and we’ll start annoying each other again.”

Carver just laughed, then he followed her inside the Hawke mansion.

To Adriene’s relief, the potion Anders had given her worked better than expected. The combination of its numbing effect and the knowledge of having Carver in the house granted her a blessedly calm and dreamless night. Morning brought another joyful reunion with Bodhan and Sandal who were both more than excited to see Carver again. Bodhan immediately assured her that he’d take care of the preparations for the following day and the dinner for the nobles. More than that, he insisted on planning a feast for this evening, making Adriene promise that she’d invite their friends and family over to properly celebrate the occasion.

“You could even make it a belated Satinalia celebration since you refused to have one,” Bodhan said in a grave voice, giving her a look. Adriene only mumbled something intelligible.

“Satinalia or not, I will have to show you around tomorrow at the dinner, too,” Adriene said around a mouthful of scrambled eggs once they sat at breakfast and Bodhan was back in the kitchen. At Carver’s frown, she nodded. “Mom always boasted with your status in the Wardens, it would be a waste not to make everyone swoon over how handsome and powerful you are. Second-in-command to the Hero of Ferelden!” Carver groaned, and she laughed. “Come on! I won’t have done my job well if you didn’t get a few proposals. One or two might even be genuine.”

“Are you serious?” he stared at her as if he couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth.

Adriene nodded with a delighted gleam in her eyes. “Sure! Can’t let the status Mom built go to waste, can I?”

He frowned. “You really want to continue playing friends with the nobles? But you hate that.”

“So much. But it helps,” she shrugged. “It keeps me distracted, and with the Knight-Commander herself appearing at the edge of things now, I need the support in the nobility. Just in case.”

“In case of what?” Carver asked over his cup of coffee, drawing his eyebrows together. “Are you not on good terms with the Viscount himself already? You’re his envoy to the Qunari, are you not?”

She nodded. “Cassia and I both, true. But… Ah, I don’t know. It’s just a feeling that we might need to build a counterweight to her.” Taking a deep breath, she leaned back in her seat. “If only to ensure that Cullen has the public backup once he overthrows her. But even apart from that… The templars have been getting bolder and bolder each year. I just want to be prepared for anything.”

Carver gave her a thoughtful look, contemplating her words. Then he nodded. “I understand. It’s actually not a bad plan. I know the Commander — my Commander, I mean — did something similar before the Landsmeet.”

After their ample breakfast, Adriene gave Carver a tour of the house, since he had only ever been in the cellars back when they had gotten their grandfather’s will.

“It’s huge,” he said as she showed him around, craning his neck to look up at the painted ceiling that arched high over the promenade on the first floor. A wistful smile was on his face. “I can see why Mom loved it.” Then his eyes came back to Adriene, an expression in them that was more knowing than she would have liked. “All those rooms, though... And you live here all alone?”

She just nodded. “I can’t just give it up. Not after all Mom went through to get it.” She looked at the painted portrait of her mother hanging over the fireplace, an only too familiar dark rush of grief going through her. Leandra had been killed not two months ago, and while she could look at the painting without forgetting how to breathe around the thick lump in her throat by now, it would probably never not make that weight of grief and guilt settle heavily on her shoulders. “And Cassia doesn’t want it — she loves their home. And that it’s her very own house, you know.”

“I can understand that.” Carver nodded slowly, then he looked back at her. “How do you deal with it?”

Adriene shrugged. “Slowly.” Laying a hand on his shoulder, she gave it a squeeze. “It’ll be better with you here.” There was something in his eyes that made her perk up. “What?” she asked.

Carver just shook his head. “Ah, it’s nothing. I was just wondering why you don’t have anyone else with you here.”

Adriene sat down on the couch, giving him a genuinely confused look. “Who would be here with me?”

Carver leaned against the mantle. “Oh, come on, Ria. You’ve been all over Fenris and Isabela even back when I was still here.”

“Ah.” She looked at her hands, a familiar sadness weighing her down. “Fenris and I… it didn’t work out.”

“From what I saw and heard that’s not what—” Carver started, but Adriene interrupted him.

“Carver, it’s not an option, let’s leave it at that, alright?” she said a bit more sharply than intended.

He only frowned. “And Isabela? I mean, you are clearly not quite comfortable with me flirting with her.”

“That’s because you’re my little brother!” Adriene exclaimed, only to let out a breath. “I know it doesn’t make sense. I normally don’t mind her flirting with anyone. But…” She shrugged.

Carver chuckled slightly. “It’s fine, I get it. It’s different when it’s family.”

“Yes, exactly,” she nodded, relieved that he understood her. But Carver wasn’t quite done. He came over and sat down next to her.

“So you do have feelings for her,” he stated quietly.

Adriene didn’t answer right away, just pulled her shoulders up. Eventually, she shook her head. “Makes no difference,” she murmured, eyes fixed on her hands. “She… doesn’t feel the same. And it’s better this way, I think. With everything going on, I don’t…” Taking a breath, she looked up at her brother. “The last relationship I had didn’t exactly end well either if you remember.” There was an edge to her voice.

A shadow fell over Carver’s face that told her he knew exactly who she was talking about. “You’re no longer in the army, Ria,” he said softly. “It doesn’t have to end in pain.”

She let out a humorless laugh. “Just because there isn’t an army doesn’t mean there is no war, Carver.”

His eyebrows went up. “You mean the templars, don’t you?”

“Of course I do.”

Carver shook his head, a smile that somehow lacked any amusement on his lips as he noted, “You sound just like Anders.”

Adriene blinked as she realized that he was right. “Maker, I do, don’t I?” She sighed. For a long moment, there was silence. “But he’s right, you know. With what he’s doing. What he’s trying to achieve. You don’t know how it was when they came for us!” Abruptly, she stood up, walking over to the fireplace to stare into the flames.

“But that is in the past,” Carver exclaimed. “And you came out on top of it! Isn’t it enough that they are safe now?”

“But they’re not safe!” Adriene exploded all of a sudden, her agitation fueled by the shadows of the memories of that day as she turned back to him. “We never will be, any of us! I thought we were safe, but then, the templars bashed in our door. I thought we were safe, but then, the Knight-Commander turned up at Cassia’s door. We are not safe! Cassia has serious problems that could escalate again any day — and what if Maia has magic, too?” She looked at him with wide, upset eyes. “Magic has always run strong in both Dad and Mom’s family, chances are more than high that she’ll have it too. Cullen might want to tackle that problem only once it arises, but I can’t. What if she is like Cassia and her magic so strong that it surfaces so openly and publicly that we can’t hush it up?” She shook her head again. “Keeping us safe has long stopped being about hiding ourselves away.”

Carver just looked at her with a frown on his face that held both worry and something like disapproval. Adriene took a deep breath to calm herself down again. Exploding on him had been the last thing she had wanted to do, and she raked a hand through her hair.

“Carver, I was so afraid when they took us,” she told him, her voice still strained but without the agitation of a moment ago. “The templars, I mean. Dad always spoke about the Circle, about what it’s like, but… you don’t get it until you’re there. Until you have their sword at your throat.” She looked at him with pain in her eyes. “I am so glad that Bethy is safe with you and the Wardens in Amaranthine. And there’s a reason we settled in such a tiny village like Lothering. But with Cassia married to a templar… it’s gotten so much more complicated. The Knight-Commander has taken an interest in her, and even if we wanted to, we can’t just disappear anymore. Not like Mom and Dad did.” She made a helpless gesture. “And Meredith is bad. Even worse than the Circles in general. Even if we could get out of Kirkwall, I’m not sure we should. Because it has long stopped being just about us. There’s the underground, and Cullen’s work in the Circle…” Adriene had started to pace up and down as she spoke, agitation in her voice. “Us disappearing would make things so much worse here. I wrote to you about Alrik and his Tranquil Solution, remember? Imagine if he were still around! And with Cullen trying to soften Meredith and eventually unseat her, we can do actual good for everyone here. But in the end, it won’t be enough. It will never be enough. As long as the Circle is like it is…”

She stopped abruptly as Carver stood up. There was a peculiar mix of helplessness and disapproval on his face as he took a step towards her. “Adriene, why do you always have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders?”

Adriene slowly shook her head. “Carver, you’re a Grey Warden. Don’t you know something about carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?”

He looked to the side, and all of a sudden, she could see her sullen little brother in the man he had become. Something inside her softened, and she closed the distance between them, laying both hands on his shoulders. “We do what we do because someone has to,” she said softly.

Carver’s eyes burned and he laid a hand over hers. “And now you sound like Dad,” he said darkly.

A sudden shadow came over her face, and Carver sighed deeply. “Shit.” His other hand came to the back of her neck, and he leaned his forehead against hers. “Nothing has changed, has it?” he asked quietly.

Adriene slowly shook her head, closing her eyes for a moment at the sudden sting in them. Carver had always been the one who had understood this part of her life better than both Bethany or Cassia ever could. “No. If anything, it got worse,” she murmured.

Carver sighed deeply as he tightened his grip for a second then let go again. “And here I come with more bad news and the Carta.”

She wiped a hand over her eyes and chuckled. “Well, the Carta is at least something we can fight head-on.” 

And fighting them head-on, they did. Three days and two unsuccessful attacks by the Carta later, Varric came back with new information and a location.

The Vimmark Mountains.

“The Vimmark Mountains?” Fenris asked when Adriene told him about it. She had turned up at his place late in the afternoon while Carver was at Cassia’s place, settling into her favorite armchair with fake ease. There was a heavy tension in her shoulders as she looked at him, however. It was the first time that they were alone since she had told him about her feelings, and it showed in the carefulness that lay in their every interaction. Looks that seemed to hold more than they both dared say out loud, and a certain stiffness to the few touches they shared.

Adriene nodded. “Apparently, it’s an old Carta Hideout. Honestly, I fully expect it to connect to the Deep Roads, so I’m glad that Carver is coming with us.”

Fenris nodded, a grim look on his face. “When are we leaving?”

She blinked in surprise, her stomach twisting with the inevitable rush of hope and affection that went through her when he so readily assumed he would come with her. “We?” she asked softly after a moment of silence.

He frowned slightly, and she could nearly see his thoughts racing as he looked at her. “You’re not here to ask me to accompany you,” he stated slowly. There was a note to his voice that made her heart clench, a touch of sadness and heaviness.

“No,” she confirmed quietly.

She had spoken for a long time with Carver and Varric about who they would take, with how many people they would leave. Anders was out of the question; he was needed here for Cassia. Aveline couldn’t abandon her post for such a prolonged time. That left Fenris, Isabela, and Merrill. Of course, Adriene’s first instinct had been to ask both Fenris and Isabela to come, but with Varric gone, Isabela was the one with the best connections into the underworld and thus, the best chances to know of another Carta attack in advance. And Fenris was the strongest fighter next to Cullen and not bound by a job, so they needed him to protect Cassia and Maia. In the end, they had decided to only ask Merrill to come, who had happily agreed to join them.

“If your first thought proves to be true, and it has something to do with blood magic, we will need Merrill’s expertise,” Adriene explained, pointedly overlooking the inevitable flash of anger on Fenris’ face at the mention of blood magic. “So it’ll be Carver, Varric, Merrill, and I who will go.”

Fenris got up and walked over to the window, looking out into the falling darkness of the Firstfall evening. The evening wrapped him in shadows, so she couldn’t quite read his expression as he asked, “How long will you be gone?”

“About two months, I guess.”

He turned back to her, and she could sense that he was surprised. She shrugged. “Varric said it’ll take at least two weeks to reach that hideout. It’s somewhere beyond the mountains at some chasm. And it’s winter, it might take even longer. And I have no idea what we’ll find there.” Adriene splayed her hands out in a helpless gesture. “It might just be a talk or a fight and we’ll be on our way back, but… I don’t know, something tells me it won’t be that simple.”

Silence stretched between them, and eventually, she added if only to break it, “With Meredith’s interest in me, and her idea on keeping Cassia and me separated, it might even be good if I am away for a while. Take her focus off our family, you know. Even though I don’t particularly like the idea of leaving her alone for so long.”

Fenris only nodded.

A bit belated, she said somewhat weakly, “We’ll leave the day after tomorrow.”

“I see,” he murmured.

Adriene looked at her hands, stretching and clenching them, then she stood abruptly. She took a step towards him and said, “Fenris, the reason I’m here is that I wanted to ask a favor of you.”

She was now close enough to see his eyes, and the barely veiled emotion in them, and for a second, she thought he would reach for her. But all he did was ask, “The house?”

Adriene let out a breath and shook her head. “No, we’ll board it up for as long as we’re gone. Bodhan and Sandal will look after the plants once a week. But Cassia will need you.”

For a moment, he was silent. “She seemed better.”

“She is,” Adriene nodded. “But… Fenris, I know her. All of this will eventually bubble up in some way, and she will need a friend. A friend who is neither her healer nor her husband. Someone who will be there for her, to listen, talk to her, and maybe take Maia sometimes. Someone who sees through her facade and doesn’t let her talk herself out of things.” A tiny smile was on her lips as she added, “She’ll need you.”

Fenris seemed somewhat overwhelmed by her words. “You think I can do all that?” he asked, drawing his eyebrows together.

She reached to lay a hand on his arm, and his eyes widened slightly. “Fenris, you already do,” she said softly.

He looked down to where she touched him, and with a pang of guilt, Adriene realized she had moved without thinking about it. When she quickly drew her hand back, though, he stopped her, catching her fingers in his. Her heart did a painful stumble as he paused, just holding her hand.

“You know I would have done that even without you asking me to,” he said, seemingly oblivious to the flush that spread over her cheeks.

“I know,” Adriene nodded, “but…”

A small smile flickered over his face. “I understand. Don’t worry. I’ll be there for her.”

“Thank you,” she mumbled, giving him a somewhat flustered smile.

She expected him to let go of her again, but instead, his fingers tightened around hers. His thumb rubbed softly over the back of her hand, sending a shiver over her whole body.

“Promise me to come back safely,” he said softly, his eyes burning into hers.

For a long moment, neither moved, then Adriene answered equally softly, “I’ll do my best.”

Three weeks later, she wasn’t so sure anymore whether ‘her best’ would be enough. Dirt, blood, and sweat mixed on her skin as she looked around the underground hideout they had found in the Vimmark Chasm. The fight against the demonic being the dwarves called Malvernis that had appeared after the Carta thugs had failed their first attack had already taken its toll on all of them.

Varric mumbled something into his non-existent beard, clearly still affected by the death of his old acquaintance Gerav. “Demons, possession, old magic, a Warden prison, and all of that in the Deep Roads,” he growled angrily. “They should know better. What the Blight did they get involved in now?”

“Come on, Varric,” Adriene said with fake cheerfulness. “Normally, you like surprises. Don’t tell me you want to go back to Kirkwall now?”

He snorted. “Not a chance.” With a few sharp movements, he reloaded Bianca. “Alright, Hawke. Let’s get to the bottom of this.”

Taking a deep breath, Adriene looked at Carver and Merrill, who both nodded, and together, they ran after the Carta thugs that had escaped earlier. The second they chased down the stairs into the next room, the sickening scent of blood and mold rose around them, followed by the sharp sound of something _snapping_. An energy field sizzled into being directly behind them.

"Shit," Adriene cursed, her eyes wide as she snapped her hand back, shocked by a painful electric current as she touched it, the last bits of daylight unreachable behind the barrier.

Her throat closed as she realized that they were trapped underground, walls and darkness closing in around them. And that the only way further was to go deeper into the caves. Down into the Warden prison.

“Alright then,” she said with a dry throat, her fingers tightening around her daggers as she turned to the others. “Let’s go find out just who or what that Corypheus is. And then kill it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a little bonus, you can find the letter that Anders receives in this chapter [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25178449). Have fun :D


	18. Shadowed Whispers, Wicked Words

If there was one thing that Cassia still had an awful time dealing with, it was her nightmares. She had made progress, both in healing and in slowly rebuilding her control over her magic. It was much slower than she wanted it to be, but it was progress nonetheless. A slow but steady way forward. But no matter how far she got during the day, at night it faded into insignificance. 

The dreams didn’t change much. Always the same pitch-black environment. She was never able to see, her other senses feeling heightened at the same time. And that chilling voice continuously ringing in her ears. The same voice, the same demon, every time she went to sleep. 

There were times when Cassia managed to force herself not to react. Not to give in and play along. On her best nights, she managed to keep perfectly still, trying her best to let the words wash over her and not give them any attention. But those were few and far between, and definitely not tonight. Tonight, the demon’s voice sounded especially venomous. Like every word tried to hurt her individually, as if his sentences were sandpaper being dragged over her skin, making her feel raw and exposed to his poison.

“You must be pretty tired by now,” the demon said almost casually, only to break out into an eerie chuckle when Cassia flinched at the sound of his voice.

“Aren’t you?” she managed to shoot back. “You really don’t get bored of this, night after night?”

There was still laughter in the demon’s voice. “Never! Who could get tired of you? You are so terribly interesting after all. Just look at that mage, going and turning all those templar heads…”

Cassia snorted. “You are losing your touch if you think this gets under my skin.”

“Let’s see, shall we?” The demon laughed once more, and Cassia cursed at herself for letting herself be roped in again. “There is the one that found you interesting enough to marry you... Oh, I forgot, no he didn’t. You two are just playing an elaborate game of pretend, aren’t you?”

Cassia forced herself not to give the demon an answer, but as usual, it didn’t really stop him from going on and on.

“Oh, and there is the Knight-Commander. She has certainly taken an interest in you. She looks at you and sees in you a perfect tool for her machinations.” Suddenly, his voice seemed uncomfortably close again. “And you have to let her use you like she sees fit or else you risk her looking too closely at you, and then…”

Cassia didn’t need a demon to send shivers down her spine at the thought of what would happen if Meredith found out.

“And let’s not forget Ser Oswald, your not-so-secret admirer…” The demon chuckled again. “Though admiration is definitely not the right word to describe his feelings for you. We’d need something a lot less kind and a lot more carnal for that.”

“Ser Oswald is after Cullen’s job,” Cassia couldn’t stop herself from shooting back, “I and Adriene were just the means to an end.”

Clawed hands closed around her arms, and a heavy weight was on her shoulders in a complete mockery of a soothing embrace.

“You poor, naive child. That’s what you think, isn’t it?”

Hot breath hit her face as the demon suddenly snarled at her. “You’ve put quite a lot of effort into forgetting the things that scared you most that day, haven’t you?” 

Cassia shook her head in denial as she thought back to what happened that day when the templars had arrested her. “I passed out,” she said quietly. “And then Adriene was right there…”

“Oh, you tried so hard to forget, didn’t you? But that only works when you’re awake,” the demon said with a leer that sent more shivers down her spine. A moment later she felt something on her ear. The lightest touch of warm, unsettlingly moist lips. “You can forget during the day, but in my realm, you _remember_ …”

* * *

A face close to hers. Foul breath coming from snarling lips that were far too close for comfort. The hand around her throat holding her in place while another had tried to find a way underneath her clothes.

“I know what you are,” an angry voice spat at her. “And I’ll find proof, I’ll find out how you did this, and if I do…” Cruel lips formed an almost grotesque smile in front of her as Cassia was struggling to breathe, the room around her getting darker and darker. 

“ _When_ I do, I’ll show you how a proper templar behaves.” 

The hand around her neck tensed, fingers digging harshly into her skin. As he pushed her into the wall with his full weight, she could feel just what he wanted from her even through all the layers of clothing. Cassia let out a pained whimper as he got even closer, his voice almost a whisper next to her ear.

“I won’t even make you tranquil,” he said softly, like he was imparting a great secret onto her. “It will be so much more enjoyable when you try to fight back, after all. It always is.”

* * *

“Ah there you go, that should make your fear about when they will catch you much more delicious!”

The demon’s voice ripped her out of the memory that had paralyzed her with fear. A memory she wished she could forget again. But something in her knew that it wouldn’t be possible a second time. 

“You know,” the demon suddenly whispered, “you should be glad that you are this interesting. Because as long as the Knight-Commander likes you, she might not be all that interested in looking into your sister.” 

Cassia hated just how much the demon managed to sound like her own thoughts. 

“And you know, as long as this templar has set his sights on you, who knows what else, _who_ else, can slip past his attention.”

Cassia shuddered at the mere suggestion. “I doubt he is that single-minded,” she scoffed. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been such a constant threat in the Gallows, after all. But the demon just went on as if he hadn’t heard her.

“And as long as you are still this interesting to me, well… If I stopped spending all my time with you, I’d have to go looking for other sources of fear. Maybe ones that can’t fight back as much as you do.” His voice had become sickenly sweet as he whispered in her ear again. “You know how delightfully easy it is to scare small children?”

“Maia!”

With a start, Cassia’s eyes flew open, Maia’s name still on her lips. It took her a few moments to realize where she was as she slowly took in the comforting view of her own living room. 

“Another bad dream?”

Fenris’ voice was the final push she needed to find her footing in reality again as she shuffled into an upright position on the sofa.

“I didn’t plan on falling asleep,” she murmured apologetically before the remnants of the dream gave her pause. “Where is Maia?”

“She is still out on errands with Orana.”

Of course she was. Cassia blinked, trying to get her scrambled thoughts in order again. Fenris was sitting in the armchair not far away from her, going through some notes. He had accompanied her to talk to the Arishok again earlier in the morning, and as usual for them, the excursion had ended at her home, with tea and biscuits, while he explained whatever he could about Qunari culture. Fenris and his knowledge of their often strange customs had been one of their biggest assets in negotiating difficult situations time and time again.

“I’m sorry I just dozed off,” Cassia apologized with a small grin. “I promise it wasn’t your explanations that put me to sleep.”

“Really?” Fenris let out a dry chuckle. “You could have fooled me!” At her sheepish expression, he gave her a look full of sympathy. “You’re not sleeping very well lately, are you?”

Cassia let out a defeated sigh. “Nightmares. The usual.”

“Anders can’t help?” he asked, and Cassia shook her head.

“No potions, remember?” It had been so much harder than Cassia would have anticipated to not go against Anders’ strict orders when it came to any sort of potions, but so far she had managed to hold on. “And the Knight-Commander has issued another invitation, this time for some gathering after the regular Chantry service.”

Appearing in public with the Knight-Commander had been exhausting every single time so far. It hadn’t stopped at the one invitation, and with regards to Cullen’s position, Cassia didn’t have a single good reason to not accept. In fact, not doing so could put them in a precarious situation, after all. And so one Chantry visit had become two, and before she had known, it had turned into a regular thing.

Each of these meetings had to be meticulously planned. To make sure she was absolutely drained of any magic right before them. To be certain that she would say the right things at the right time and agree with just the right amount of emotion to the right questions. It was a constant and ongoing complex puzzle that Cassia had to solve where the penalty of putting down the wrong piece even once was unimaginably bad. 

“Well, if it helps, I’ve made a few notes about some things the Arishok said today that you can go over later,” Fenris said, eyes full of sympathy as he handed her the notebook he had been writing in. “So you don’t have to go over all this right now.”

When Cassia took the book and quickly skimmed over the several pages of notes, she let out an appreciative noise. “Seriously, Fenris, I am very grateful and a tiny little bit annoyed!” she huffed before breaking into a smile. “How do you have nicer handwriting than I have by now? It’s unfair!”

Fenris seemed almost a bit thrown off by the praise, his laugh sounding a little shaky as he shook his head. “I don’t think I have, but if I do, it’s because I’ve had a very good and very patient teacher,” he said with a nod towards her.

“And so the student surpassed the master,” Cassia mumbled with a chuckle as she flipped through earlier pages of her notebook when she stumbled upon some remarks left behind by Adriene. With a squint, she added, “Well, I guess I should be happy you haven’t tried to model your handwriting after Adriene.” She knew what most of her sister’s notes most likely meant, but still, some of them looked completely illegible. “I have no idea what half of this means,” she sighed.

Fenris barely tried to hide his grin as he took back the notebook. “When Adriene left a note for me for the first time, I thought I had forgotten how reading works for a moment.”

Cassia snorted at the casual dryness of his voice. “When was that?” she asked curiously.

“Quite a while ago,” Fenris answered while squinting at the notes. “You had barely started to give me something else to read than children’s books.”

It had been a very long time ago then, Cassia thought. They had stopped their reading and writing lessons many months ago already, after she had decided there was absolutely nothing left to teach him. 

“We’ll just have to ask her what those scribbles mean once she’s back.”

It had been a couple of weeks since Adriene and Carver had left. And though Cassia knew they would likely be away for a while longer, she couldn’t help herself but hope that they would return sooner rather than later. Her everyday life went on like usual, nothing had changed all that much, but everything felt just a little bit off without Adriene being around. Like something wasn’t quite as it was supposed to be. It was more than missing their regular meals and drinks together. A feeling that threaded itself through whatever Cassia was doing and whatever was happening around her. And she knew in her heart that it wouldn’t go away. Not until she knew Adriene was safe and home again.

“Are you alright?” Fenris asked full of concern at her sudden silence. Cassia pulled herself out of her wayward thoughts and smiled at him.

“I’m fine. Just missing Adriene. And with me sleeping so badly lately, I think I am just in general easily thrown off.”

At her mention of her dreams again, his eyebrows rose up.

“Those nightmares, is it still that same demon that keeps haunting you?” 

She nodded. “It’s a persistent little bastard, I have to give that to him. You’d think he lives specifically for my dreams as often as he’s around.”

It wasn’t the first time she had talked to one of her friends about her bad dreams. Anders’ insistence of not trying to keep everything inside her all the time had made her try to talk more about the things that ailed her. Even though she remained keen on keeping the more disturbing details of her dreams to herself. Sharing her worries was one thing, adding to the load that her friends already carried by worrying about her was something else.

Fenris let out a huff of annoyance. “And there really isn’t anything you can do about it? Summon the bastard and put an icicle through him for instance?”

Cassia had to laugh at the fierceness that had suddenly appeared on his face at the suggestion. “You know, Adriene’s first instinct was to fight that thing too,” she said with a smile. 

“You have fought demons outside the Fade before, so is it really that much of an impossibility?” Fenris asked, sounding curious. As she looked at him, she saw a solemn determination underlying his questioning gaze, telling her he would absolutely volunteer and fight a demon for her if it became necessary. A wave of affection went through her at the realization.

“You have no idea how much I wish that were possible but…” Cassia let out a sigh. “He’s in my dreams. He knows what I am thinking, he can literally look inside my head. Such is the connection through the Fade. I couldn’t summon him without giving any plan away long before we could even think of attacking him.”

Right at this moment, the impossibility of the situation almost didn’t matter to her though. What mattered much more was that Fenris was caring enough to try and find a solution for her. And he didn’t seem to be done yet.

“So what about some magical solution?” he suddenly asked. “I don’t know any of these things, but you mages with being all connected to the Fade have to have solutions for that, do you not?”

“None that I know of,” Cassia confessed. “The Harrowing determines if you are strong enough to not fall prey to a demon in the Fade, and after that, you are pretty much on your own.” Not that she had any personal experience with something like that, but from what she had learned from her father and her talks with other mages, that seemed to be the general consensus.

“Well, that sucks,” Fenris muttered, and Cassia could only agree with him.

“It does.”

After a few moments of quiet, Cassia got up and decided that fresh tea and some more snacks were definitely necessary now. They got back to discussing what next to do in regards to the Qunari. What messages and inquiries from the Viscount to bring before the Arishok and what details to leave out to not endanger the already fragile peace any further.

When Orana came back with Maia a while later, they decided to finish at a later time. Certain things, like watching Fenris and Maia play hide and seek in the living room definitely took priority, Cassia thought.

When Anders showed up for one of his regular check-ups and made no effort to leave right after, Cassia realized that having several of her friends over at her house — not just for specific appointments but just to spend some time with each other — had become something that was happening more and more often lately. Something she, who had gone to great lengths to convince herself that she preferred solitude over company in the past, found surprisingly satisfying. 

Another surprising thing was that Fenris didn’t seem to be in any hurry to leave either, even after Anders had arrived. Cassia knew they could stand to be around each other without antagonizing the other quite well by now, but something in her had always believed that it was mostly something they did for Adriene’s sake. And while she was still absolutely certain that that was definitely the reason they had started tolerating each other, it was definitely not the case anymore. She doubted those two would go on any friendship trips around the coast anytime soon, but where there had once been a constant tension that was impossible to ignore, there was something much more akin to camaraderie by now.

Still, she couldn’t quite conceal her surprised expression when Fenris all of a sudden asked, “Anders, there are small children in the Circles, are there not?”

“What?” Anders seemed similarly confused about the question, but he bounced back immediately. “Ehm, yes, there are, sometimes magic manifests very early,” he said simply. “The youngest ones in Ferelden were about five years old. Why?”

There was a thoughtful look on Fenris’ face. “Children that small with magic, how are they safe from demons in their dreams?”

Cassia’s thoughts went back to their earlier talk as she realized why he was asking. It was a good question. One that, for no discernable reason, she had never asked herself before. All she had been thinking about when he had asked her about a magical solution had been things she knew about how adults were treated. Seasonable mages with experience and skill. But of course the youngest inhabitants of the Circles would have none of that.

“There are wards around the children’s quarters,” Anders explained. “Simple spells combined with small rituals that keep them safe at night. At least until they are old enough to keep themselves safe.”

“Would that prevent something like nightmares?” Fenris prodded, nodding at Cassia with a pointed look.

Anders seemed in deep thoughts as he mumbled, “Well, not regular ones, but… Oh, of course! Why didn’t we think of this before?” With a shake of his head, he stood, fetching the satchel with healing supplies he carried around wherever he went. 

“Can we actually do that?” Cassia asked, trying her best to keep her hope and her excitement down.

“I don’t see why not,” Anders said as he started unpacking his satchel on her dining room table. “As I said, it’s relatively simple. I should have everything we need with me.”

Cassia’s eyes widened as she looked back and forth between Fenris and him. “Seriously? You could do it right now?”

At her hopeful question, Anders gave her a warm smile. “Even better, I can show you how it works and then you can do it yourself.”

For a moment, Cassia froze. He wanted her to cast spells around her home? Surreptitiously, her eyes went to her hands which looked remarkably calm. Not at all like Cassia was suddenly feeling on the inside. Ever since the foundry, she had worked hard on building her control back up. It had been going better than she had anticipated, but it was just as slow as Anders had assumed it would be. Even with Cullen’s help, Cassia knew everything she had accomplished so far had been small steps. And she was nowhere near the end goal. Most of all, she had not dared to actively use any magic ever since that night. 

“I don’t know if I should…” she mumbled quietly. 

Anders hadn’t been looking at her as he was sorting through a bunch of dried plants. “Think of the upside,” he said with an enthusiasm that Cassia couldn’t bring herself to feel. “This way you won’t have to rely on anyone else, no matter where you are, you see?”

He was definitely right about that, but Cassia couldn’t suppress a shudder. What if the little resistance and control she had built up so far would strain and shatter the moment she put it to the test? “After everything that happened, and that I…” she trailed off, sounding a bit lost all of a sudden. At her uncertain tone, Anders turned around.

“Especially after everything that happened.” He gave her a look that was full of understanding but also left no room for arguments. “You have a chance here to use your magic for something good. Something that can help you. Take it!”

There it was again, the confidence he seemed to have in her regardless of what she had done. Believing in her even when she already had a dozen reasons ready to not believe in herself.

“Fine,” she agreed with a sigh. “I’ll try!” At least she wouldn’t be alone in this. Anders would still be there, ready to intervene if she made a mistake. With a questioning look, she turned to Fenris.

“Fenris, do you mind if we try this right now? Or do you want us to wait until later?” They could very well start with the warding until after Fenris had gone home, after all.

“As long as you do not come close to me with any of that, I am going to be fine,” he said simply, picking up one of Maia’s books with one arm while swooping up Maia herself with the other. The small child let out an indignant squeak before starting to laugh. “Me and Maia can keep ourselves busy while you work.”

While Fenris and Maia huddled down and got comfortable, Cassia went to look over Anders’ shoulder. The soothing tone of Fenris' reading voice had something calming to it as she watched Anders crush some herbs together, sprinkling them lightly with lyrium dust. He had taken an unused bowl from the nearest cupboard and the pitcher of the by now cooled down water she had put down for their tea earlier and turned the table into a make-shift potion station.

“I am going to write down the ingredients for you,” Anders said quietly. “All of these are things you usually have at home, I believe. And if not, I have all of them in my clinic, and you can get them anytime.”

Cassia nodded as he added a few drops of water, turning the mixture into a paste. “So how often will I have to do this?” she asked curiously. From what she saw him put in there, most of the herbs had properties she knew would fade over time. 

“I’d say every five to six weeks,” Anders said, looking thoughtful for a moment. “In the Circle, they do it every month, just to be on the safe side.”

“Once a month? That sounds… doable,” Cassia said, the tension inside her slowly unwinding bit by bit. She could do this. 

“And I can always stop by — if you need someone there with you, I mean,” Anders said with an encouraging smile. “If only to keep Maia busy while you do it.”

He was right. She wasn’t alone in this, after all. Cassia was more than glad that — even if he wanted her to do the warding on her own — it didn’t mean that she had to be alone for it. 

“You know, I am beyond grateful that all of you love to spend time with Maia,” she said fondly. “It gives me a little breathing room every now and then.”

Anders smiled at her. “Think nothing of it. You know I’m here for you, and Maia is a joy to have around.” 

“Even when she topples over a shelf full of carefully sorted herbs?” Cassia couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory of the accidental mess Maia had made in his clinic not that long ago.

“Especially then,” Anders answered with a conspiratory look. “There was a lesson in there for me to actually clean up after myself, I think.” He was still looking through the ingredients they needed, putting the necessary ones apart from the rest. “Also she helped clean up with a lot of enthusiasm.”

Cassia kept smiling as she remembered the overjoyed giggles Maia had made when Anders had turned cleaning up herbs into a game for her. “Luckily, she is very easily amused,” she agreed.

“Indeed.” And with a nod towards Fenris, he added, “Though some of us clearly have an unfair advantage.”

As Cassia looked over to Fenris, she had to smile. He was sitting cross-legged on the living room floor with Maia in his lap. The book he had tried to read to her lay abandoned somewhere beside them while Maia was following the lyrium lines on his forearms with her fingers. Breaking out into uncontrollable laughter every time he let the lyrium light up ever so slightly under her touch. 

“You’ll have your work cut out for you then if you want to stay in the run for favorite uncle,” she said with a grin at Anders who only shook his head.

“And here I thought my main competition would be Varric,” he muttered. “Who would have thought that Fenris of all people would be the one that children apparently adore?”

“You two know I can hear you just fine over here, do you?” Fenris’s dry voice cut through their banter. 

“He has a point, Fenris,” Cassia said in between chuckles. “And don’t pretend like you didn’t think the same about two years ago.”

“Fair point.” Fenris let out a small huff before resuming his game with Maia. Just at that moment, Anders took a step back, the bowl with the herb mixture in hand.

“Done. Come on, I’ll show you how to draw the warding symbols.”

Carefully, Cassia observed the simple drawing he did with his fingers. The symbol was familiar. She remembered it from various simple warding charms she knew could be put on smaller things like jewelry. After putting down the first one, it was Cassia’s turn. She felt a small jolt going through her as she dipped her hand into the paste. A prickling sensation ran over her fingers, her hand and up her arm, and she took a deep breath, trying to push down her anxiety. When Anders motioned her to go on with an encouraging smile on his face, she smiled back shakily, determined to push through her unease. 

Slowly, they worked their way throughout the house, putting the warding symbol down in different places. The placement didn’t matter all that much, Cassia knew, as long as it would form something like a closed circle in the end. Placing them on obvious entrances into the house, doors, windowsills and the chimney had more of symbolic importance than an actual effect. It helped to keep track of where they had already been, though.

When the last symbol was drawn, they were back where they had started.

“Now, all you have to do to activate all of them is channel a standard warding spell into the symbol we drew first,” Anders explained. “I’d suggest you go with whatever shield or protection spell you personally prefer.”

“It doesn’t matter which one?” Cassia asked curiously. 

Anders shook his head. “Not really. The intention behind the magic has to be the right one, basically. As long as that is right, it will connect all the symbols, and together, they’ll activate.”

“Alright then,” Cassia murmured, shaking her hands in a nervous gesture. “Let’s do this!” She could feel her own unrest impacting her magic already. Even though Cullen had taken some of her magic just this morning and she hadn’t been at full capacity all day, her hands felt cold again. Had started to feel colder and colder with every symbol she had drawn. But Anders had said a simple warding spell would suffice, and Cassia took in a deep breath. A simple spell. She could do this.

Carefully, she focused on the symbol in front of her, touching it lightly with her fingertips and let the magic flow, as gently as possible, into the most basic and smallest protective spell she knew. 

A second later, the whole inside of her house seemed to be bathed in blue light. Like lightning hitting, it flared up, and for a brief moment, it looked like every symbol they painted was catching bluish fire before they all of a sudden disappeared.

With a gasp, Cassia took a step back, looking around with wide eyes. “Did it work?” she asked frantically. 

“Was that supposed to happen?” came Fenris' slightly agitated voice from behind. He held Maia in his arms who looked more fascinated than scared to Cassia’s relief.

“It worked,” Anders said with a thoughtful expression. “Though that felt a bit like overkill.” He sent Cassia an amused look. “Were you trying to cast protection for an entire army?”

Cassia felt a flush of embarrassment on her cheeks. “I wasn’t,” she mumbled. “I tried to go for the mildest spell I knew.”

 _So much for my control getting slowly better,_ she thought.

“Well, no one is hurt, and you should be able to get some actual sleep now,” Fenris said, sounding much more relaxed than he had a moment ago as he pointed at her hands. “And with much less extra magic than usual. That is a win, don’t you think?”

When she looked down at her hands, Cassia could see what he meant. There was some stray magic flying around them again, but it was much less than she was used to. 

“I agree,” Anders said, his smile back on his face. “You did the spell, and even if it was a bit more than you intended, it did the job and you are nowhere near as uncontrolled as you were before. You did well!”

Their encouraging words managed to chase away the last remnants of unease as Cassia realized they were right. That she had used her magic, for something useful on top of it, and though it hadn’t gone perfectly well, it had been enough and nothing bad had happened either. 

“You know, it is really weird that you two out of all people are of one opinion about this,” she said with a wide grin appearing on her face, “but I’ll take it!”

Fenris huffed. “Don’t remind me,” he muttered with a good-natured roll of his eyes.

“And just like that, you ruined a perfectly good moment,” Anders quipped as he took the bowl with the leftover ingredients. “I’m going to clean this up.”

Cassia shook her head. “I can do it later, just put it in the kitchen. And there are no moments ruined,” she declared. “Because I am getting hungry, and I’ve decided you are both staying for dinner.”

“We are?” Fenris asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“We are.” Anders let out an amused sigh. “Don’t argue with a Hawke woman.”

“How could I forget,” Fenris murmured as Cassia left for the kitchen, still grinning as she deliberately didn’t point out that they were agreeing with each other yet again. The anxious feeling from earlier was completely gone by now, replaced by the giddy excitement of having made some visible progress for the first time in what felt like forever. And the knowledge that tonight, when she went to bed, she would finally be able to sleep without fear.


	19. Too Much Of A Good Thing

“I’m sorry I am this late again.”

Cassia heard Cullen call out as he came home. He was closing the door behind him as she answered, “I’m just glad you’re home. Though Maia is already deeply asleep I’m afraid.”

“I feared she might be,” he said, a hint of disappointment in his voice. “I’ll be right with you.”

As usual when he got home, Cullen went to take off the armor he wore before joining her in the living room. Like a visual reminder that he tried to leave most of the templar business at the door. When he came in, he paused in the doorway, looking her over.

“You look very different today.”

Cassia made for an unusual picture indeed. Instead of a dress, she was wearing a pair of pants and a loose shirt, her hair bound up into a simple ponytail instead of a more elaborate hairdo for once.

“I’ve been training with Fenris,” she explained.

Cullen gave her a curious look. “Training?”

“Sword fighting,” Cassia said with a smile. “He made a good point a while back that I should resume the lessons I got from Adriene and Carver a long time ago.” 

Since neither of them were around though, Fenris had been kind enough to offer his help, and Cassia had jumped at the opportunity of actively doing something. Especially now, with having to spend good part of her time placating nobles, negotiating with stubborn Qunari and trying to appease someone like the Knight-Commander. Learning how to hit things with a sword had been exactly what she needed to both distract her from all that and to feel a bit more in control of herself. The fact that it could be useful one day came as an added bonus.

“I mean, even if it’s perfectly under control, I can’t use any magic if I ever get attacked somewhere in public, so it made sense,” she added.

Cullen agreed with a nod. “It’s a smart idea.” 

As Cassia got up from the sofa and stretched, lifting herself on her toes to give him a small kiss, she felt the strain in her muscles at every movement. “And very demanding,” she said with a grimace. “Fenris hits like an angry druffalo, even with practice weapons.”

Cullen’s hands gently rubbed her shoulders. “I can only imagine,” he said with a snort before looking at her thoughtfully. “You know I could help you train if you ever want to practice against someone who fights with a shield.”

“I don’t know if we would get a lot of practice done.” A slow smile spread over Cassia’s face as she gave Cullen a very pointed look. “Because if I am honest, the thought of you swinging around a sword gets me decidedly interested in other things…”

“Oh?” With a matching smile, Cullen pulled her a bit closer. “That would be a very different way of ending a training routine.”

“Don’t worry, I’d still make you work for it,” Cassia teased before kissing him again. When they drew apart, she added, “Orana already went home by the way.” When she saw the telling glint in his eyes, she hurried along to add, “I like where your mind is going, but there is actually something else I need to talk to you about first.”

“Ah, and here I thought I was missing some special occasion,” Cullen grinned before getting more serious again. “What is on your mind then?”

“I kept thinking a lot about the things we found out. About my magic and how much there is of it, specifically,” Cassia started to explain. “You know, all the little oddities around it, and I was wondering…” She wasn’t quite sure just how exactly to explain what she had theorized. What she was so curious about. In the end, she decided to go with bluntness.

“I need you to smite me!”

“I’m sorry, what?” Cullen looked at her like he was sure he had misheard her. “Please tell me you are joking,” he muttered.

“I’m not. Just think about it,” Cassia said calmly. “You say it takes twice as long to drain me of my magic, right? So it made me wonder — what would happen if I get hit by a Smite?” He had said once that the Smite was basically a regular drain condensed into the shortest amount of time possible. “Are they built to absorb and dispel this much magic at once? Or would I still have some magic left afterward?”

“It’s an interesting question, but surely that doesn’t require something so drastic to learn more about it,” Cullen argued. “This is nothing like the drain was. You could get seriously hurt.”

At that, a smile settled onto Cassia’s face. “Which brings me to my next question;  _ am I _ going to be hurt by it?” When Cullen only raised his eyebrows, Cassia elaborated, “You said the drain is still hard work, that there is a struggle, even pain sometimes, and yet we’ve experienced none of that together. So I cannot help but wonder — what if I react that differently to a Smite as well? Hence all this!” She gestured at their empty living room. “We are alone for now, I’d be completely safe with you, and we could find out without being in actual danger, as compared to one day having to find out by force.” 

“You are not wrong about that part,” Cullen reluctantly agreed, but the conflict was written plainly in his eyes. “But I can’t help but think about the last time you got hit by a Smite...”

It made absolute sense that his mind would go there, Cassia thought. It wasn’t like that day hadn’t been on her mind again and again while she had been thinking about all this. But it didn’t change her feelings about the theories she had come up with. They felt more than sound to her, and in the end, there really was only one way to find out.

“When you smite someone,” she started carefully. “Someone who hasn’t been taking Magebane, of course, they are not as hurt as I was afterward, right?” 

“No, they aren’t,” he confirmed. “They are void of all magic, disoriented and exhausted in most cases, but nothing even close to what happened to you. But it’s not harmless either, even if those injuries shouldn’t happen. Not from a Smite in itself.”

She could see the wheels turning behind his eyes as he considered all she had said again. 

“It would be an advantage to know as much as possible about how this all works, and it could help to be better prepared in the future,” he finally said, looking like the merit of her idea started to outweigh his concerns.

Cassia smiled at him. She had hoped he would see the advantages of her idea sooner rather than later. “Great,” she said resolutely, taking a few steps back.

“Alright, I’m ready. Smite me!”

“What, you really mean right now?” Cullen looked taken aback, but Cassia only shrugged.

“No time like the present, right?” When she saw the still conflicted look on his face, she said a bit calmer, “Is this going into decidedly weird territory again?”

Cullen snorted, shaking his head. “Weird is certainly one way to put this,” he murmured, not quite meeting her eyes as he squared his shoulders. When he finally looked at her, he sighed. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Cullen,” she said softly, “we’ve just established that it’s unlikely it will physically hurt me. I am going to be fine!” She gave him an encouraging smile. “It’ll be just like taking my magic with a drain, only faster, right?” The peculiar look on his face gave her pause. Even more so when it was gone a second later. “Cullen? What’s the matter? What is wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong!” His reply was as instant as it sounded practiced and utterly fake.

“Something is!” Cassia insisted. Something was definitely bothering him, and she was thrown off by his sudden but very clear refusal to tell her.

“Wait, is this actually a problem for you? The taking-my-magic-bit, I mean?” she asked, a feeling of dread rising up in her as she remembered the instances when draining her off all her magic at once had left him slightly thrown off. He had insisted he was fine each time. “You’ve done that plenty of times before, and you didn’t feel bad about that, did you?” she prodded further, needing him to say something, anything at all. When Cullen didn’t answer immediately, Cassia suddenly felt cold. “Maker, did you? Did I talk you into something you really didn’t want to do?”

“No, Cassia, that’s not it. Please don’t worry.” There was no hesitation in his answer this time, and Cassia felt a surge of relief flowing through her as he continued, “I promise, you didn’t talk me into anything.”

It still begged the question for her, though. “So what is different now? It’s not just the fact that it would be a Smite and not a drain, is it?”

“No, it isn’t. And it is,” Cullen shook his head as he took a step towards her. “I can’t completely stop worrying about hurting you, but that’s not all.” Cullen looked a bit lost as he tried to explain. “You didn’t talk me into anything,” he said, taking her hand and squeezing it in reassurance. “But there is something about this that simply feels wrong.”

“I don’t understand,” Cassia said quietly. “What exactly feels wrong?”

There was frustration coming off him as he tried to explain what he meant. “Me, doing this. To you. Repeatedly. When I think about the investigation I’ve led in the Gallows…”

“You are comparing this to what those templars did? What Ser Alrik did?” Cassia could see the subtle flinch going through him as she mentioned that name. “It’s not even remotely the same!”

He shook his head again. “I know that! Believe me, I do! But...” There was something in his eyes, pleading with her to see his point. “Do you remember that talk we had after we moved in together? About the imbalance of power?”

Cassia finally felt like she was starting to understand where his hesitation stemmed from. “I can only tell you again what I told you back then,” she said, an open smile on her face. “I love you and I trust you, Cullen, and you, in turn, should trust me enough to tell you if I ever felt uncomfortable with any of this.”

There was a palpable sense of relief on his face like he had needed to hear her say it out loud more than anything. But even though some of the tension had left him, Cassia could tell he still wasn’t completely at ease.

“I do trust you, of course I do,” Cullen murmured quietly. “Still, there are things I just shouldn’t…”

What he meant exactly Cassia didn’t quite understand as he trailed off. She took a deep breath.

“Look, you know how I feel about this, but if you hate doing it that much, we’ll just have to find another way to check…” Cassia paused as something on his face changed. He looked away from her almost instantly, a tension in his shoulders and her eyes widened in sudden understanding. “You don’t hate it,” she breathed out in astonishment. “It’s the opposite actually, isn’t it?”

“Cassia…” His sigh sounded weary. And a bit like a warning at the same time, but Cassia knew she would not be able to let this rest. Her realization made so much more sense. 

“ _ That’s  _ why you feel so bad about this,” she speculated, pushing on despite the still uncomfortable expression on his face. “Part of you enjoys this and the rest of you feels awful about it.”

Cullen didn't answer, but he didn’t have to. She could see it written all over his face. The awfully familiar feeling of guilt for wanting something one wasn’t supposed to. And she couldn’t even tell him to just don’t worry about it, not when she had struggled for so long with similar issues when it came to her magic. When it came to him. The fact that she hadn’t put him into a position where he had been an unwilling participant was a small relief at least. 

“What do you know,” she mumbled, “we have even more things in common.”

She couldn’t quite pinpoint the emotions that crossed over his face, something between exhaustion and weariness. “Cassia, please don’t joke about this,” he sounded almost pleading. “This is serious.”

“I am not joking,” she said immediately. “Cullen, you of all people know how I feel about my magic and you know I never felt threatened by you!” Cassia let out an uncomfortable laugh, not quite meeting his eyes for a moment. “Maker knows I’ve made it more than obvious how I feel about you specifically taking my magic away, haven’t I?” She had made no secret of just how glad she had been about that particular part of his templar training, and if he actually got something out of that and it wasn’t just a chore for him, that was even better in her book.

“You don’t have to feel guilty about anything here, Cullen. Not with me,” she said softly. She waited for a moment until he was finally looking at her again. “I’m serious. You have never hurt me with anything, you have never even made me uncomfortable.” Cassia gave him a calculating look. “Come on, just do it, I’ll prove it to you!”

“You don’t need to prove anything to me,” Cullen said with a shake of his head. 

Cassia felt emboldened all of a sudden as she took a step towards him, determined to make him see reason. “I can even make this easier for you,” she suggested, letting a ball of icy magic form in her hand. She could see him react almost instinctively, the sudden bolt of tension that ran through him. A twitch of his hand that he couldn’t manage to hide.

“You shouldn’t,” he managed to get out, still looking dismissive, but there was something in his voice, in his whole posture that told Cassia that he wasn’t as opposed to this as he maybe wanted her to believe. Briefly, she thought that there was something seriously wrong with her as the realization sent a shiver of excitement down her back.

“Do it!” she kept edging him on. There were sparks of magic on her fingertips as she looked at him in what could only be described as a clear challenge. 

Cullen ground his teeth as she could see that every instinct in him rose to snuff out the magic in front of him. “Cassia, do not push me.”

“Am I pushing you? Or am I helping you to stop feeling guilty about this?” She was almost taunting him now, taking another step closer to him, the magic still visibly flowing from her.

“I don’t feel guilty,” he insisted. “I am worried.”

Cassia couldn’t help but shake her head with a small laugh at the obvious lie. “I’ve seen you worried — this is not it.”

“Cassia…” Cullen said with a low growl, but in that instant, her magic surged up, and for a short moment, it was as if time almost stopped before a bolt of energy suddenly hit her. With a sound as if all the air had been driven out her lungs, Cassia staggered, taking a step back as she grabbed the edge of the table to steady herself. It wasn’t nearly as overwhelming as she remembered. Like someone had knocked the wind out of her, but nothing as painful or debilitating as the Smites in the Gallows had been. Her head felt slightly fuzzy for the briefest of moments, but the feeling passed almost instantly. Then… nothing. The ice from her hand was gone as Cassia blinked, a smile spreading on her face at the realization that she felt fine. Instinctively, she tried to summon back the cold and though she could feel that her magic had become noticeably less, summoning another ball of ice was as easy as ever. She felt laughter bubbling up in her as she looked back up to Cullen. A piercing glare greeted her. His eyes were narrowed, and he looked close to shouting.

“Are we done with this ridiculousness yet?” he asked, his voice raw with underlying anger. “Did you get what you wanted?” 

Did  _ she _ get what she wanted? 

Cassia breathed in deeply, trying to not let her own anger take over at the thought of him daring to make this all about her. “Yes,” she answered regardless as she managed to get her voice to work. “And no. Not yet. Not all of it.” With those words, she pushed herself forward and into his space. The idea of knowing what exactly bothered Cullen so much did not leave her alone, and before he could react, she had pulled him towards her and was kissing him. His lips felt almost searing on hers as she used his surprised gasp to deepen the kiss immediately. The heat of them stood in stark contrast to the cooling sensation of the hints of lyrium still on his breath. For a moment, she could feel him kiss her back almost as forcefully before he suddenly pulled away with a jerk.

“What in the Void are you trying to do?” he almost hissed at her. Confusion mixed into the anger on his face.

Cassia didn’t let it deter her at all. “I am testing a theory.” With that, she was back to kissing him, running her hands up his chest and along his shoulders. She could almost feel the divide in him underneath her fingertips. His rigid posture, still trying to convince himself to pull away in direct conflict with his hands, suddenly grasping her, holding her closer as his mouth on her swallowed the low moan she made. The soft noise seemed to push him out of the moment as he pulled back once again.

“Cassia, we shouldn’t do this,” he insisted. “Not like this, it’s not…”

“Not what? Not right?” she interrupted him. Cullen looked at her intensely. There was still anger in his eyes but also something else as he spoke.

“It isn’t! And you don’t really want this!” 

Suddenly, her beginning anger at his refusal to clearly say what was bothering him simmered down again as she realized what this was all about. 

“Is this truly about me not wanting this? Or is it about the fact that you actually really do?” she asked directly, and it was almost painful to see him flinch.

All he got out was an unintelligible croak.

Before he could say anything, she had pushed herself closer, her hand finding his arousal, pressing against it hard through his pants. His surprised noise turned into a moan as she stroked him once as if to prove a point.

“You like this.” He looked at her, frozen in his movements. “You like being in control like this. You like having the upper hand,” Cassia insisted in a low voice.

Cullen shook his head, but his eyes looked almost afraid. “I don’t…”

“Yes, you do,” she pushed, her hand still on him. “And you deny it, you refuse to act on it and shy away from this because you are uncomfortable by the fact that you would like nothing more than to drain all my magic and have me completely at your mercy.”

Something snapped and with a pained noise, she found herself turned around and pushed back against the wall, Cullen looming over her with a mixture of anger and despair on his face. 

“Can’t you see how this is a problem?” His voice was shaking as his eyes bore into her. “How I want nothing to do with those horrible thoughts? Maker, how can you even stand to look at me, knowing that I...” he broke off, nearly shaking. 

“Knowing what you want?” Cassia looked at him defiantly. “Do you have trouble looking at me, knowing that I want the same things?” she shot back. 

“It’s not the same,” he insisted. 

Cassia wasn’t sure if there had ever been this much tension between them. And yet she felt compelled to push even more. 

“Weren’t you the one who told me that what you might like in the bedroom does not determine who you are outside of it?” Cassia asked with a pointed look. He had said the exact same words to her once, after all. Throwing his own words back at him seemed to give him pause for a moment. 

“I did,” he said slowly, “but can’t you see how different this is?” His teeth were still clenched, and it seemed as if he was focusing all his willpower on getting her to understand. “Don’t you see that this is something I should never, ever ask of you?”

“Cullen, _ I _ asked  _ you _ for this — not the other way around,” she reminded him. 

“Maybe, but you don’t know what you are asking! What if we do this and you realize…”

“Realize what?” Cassia bluntly interrupted him. “That you are still a templar in every single aspect of your life?” 

Suddenly, it was very quiet in their living room, but she could see it written all over Cullen’s face that she hit the nail on its head.

“You stupid man!” she whispered, her hands cupping his face as she looked him straight in the eyes. “You think I am not aware of this all the time? Cullen, I love you. And not  _ despite _ you being a templar.” She shook her head lightly in disbelief at the fact that he needed her to spell this out. “You being a templar is not something that I have to see past to get to the person I want to be with. I love all of you, including this.” 

Before he could answer she pressed a finger over his lips. “Now, if you weren’t into this, I would back off in an instant, but you clearly are.” As if to emphasize just how much, she pushed their lower bodies together until she could feel the proof of her claim hard against her. “You made me see that I should not be ashamed of what I want and what I feel, so why are you?”

She could see the moment she got through to him as something in his eyes changed. The fear and worry being replaced by something heated and full of longing. 

“You really want this,” Cullen said, a look of honest surprise on his face that had Cassia push down the urge to make a quip about how long it took him to catch up. Instead, she ran her hands down his throat, fingers teasing around the collar of his shirt.

“Maker, yes,” Cassia said simply, pulling him towards her. Just before their lips met, she evaded him with a smile, sliding right past him until she could whisper in his ear. “You know,” she started, her lips ghosting over his skin as she decided to drive her point home, “I really am all yours,  _ Knight-Captain _ .” 

Cullen’s eyes turned a shade darker at her words as a shudder went through him. “Cassia!” he groaned and the way her name sounded on his lips made her legs quiver as she leaned back against the wall, looking at him invitingly. 

“You have no idea what you are doing to me sometimes,” he murmured, his voice low. 

Cassia swallowed audibly at the way he looked at her with a burning intensity that made her giddy with excitement. “Why don’t you show me?” she asked with a teasing grin, and a moment later, his lips were on hers and his hands were all over her, pulling at clothes, finding their way underneath her shirt. There was an urgency behind every touch that had her feel on edge, his firm grip on her just a bit tighter than usual all the while he never stopped kissing her. His mouth was hard and demanding against hers. Like his hands, it felt much more urgent than she was used to, all sharpness and tongue and heat. She lost herself in it with a small whimper as a rush of desire went through her, making her tremble against him. 

When his hands got busy with getting her out of her shirt, her own flew up to help him. Before she could undo any of the buttons though he drew back the slightest bit.

“No, let me!” His voice was a low growl, and Cassia immediately stopped what she was doing, taking her hands away. She didn’t miss the satisfied smile on Cullen’s face while she grew more and more impatient under the heat she saw in his eyes.

“Cullen,” she urged him on. “It’s an old shirt I’m really not overly fond of if that helps!”

Cullen’s smile instantly turned into a devious grin. “Oh, that definitely helps.”

A moment later, there was a sharp tug and something gave, the sound of buttons falling and rolling over the floor nearly drowned out by Cullen’s satisfied growl as he threw the ruined piece of clothing away before unceremoniously getting rid of her breastband as well. 

“Stay like this,” he ordered, and with a deliberate look, he moved away enough to take off his own shirt. Something in his voice made it impossible for Cassia to even consider disobeying. Not that she would have wanted to. A low moan of approval left her mouth at the sight of him undressing, turning into a strangled cry of surprise as he was suddenly back in her space. His grip on her tightened as he lifted her up just enough so she could wrap her legs around his hips. 

As Cassia felt his arousal against her just where she wanted his touch most, she let out a frustrated groan. She tried to roll her hips against his, but her position gave her little leverage as he trapped her against the wall, the cold stone at her bare back in stark contrast to the warmth of his skin against hers. 

Cullen’s breath was hot as he playfully bit the sensitive skin on her neck. “You are very eager,” he mumbled against her with an amused chuckle at her frustrated noises before letting his mouth trail down to one of her breasts.

Cassia moaned again as his lips closed around the tip of her breast, just a hint of teeth behind them to tease. “You are one to talk!” She let out a soft whine, burying her fingers in his hair. 

Her indignant sound earned her another chuckle. “You’re not wrong,” Cullen whispered against her skin before rocking his hips into hers, clearly enjoying her reaction.

“Then what are you waiting for?” Cassia huffed, trying to urge him on to give her more. All it did was make him slow down instead though.

“Didn’t you just encourage me to enjoy having you completely at my mercy?” Cullen sounded almost playful, but there was something underneath the humor, a sense of need that made Cassia’s breath hitch in anticipation.

“I didn’t think that that would involve driving me absolutely insane first.” Her voice felt shaky, distracted by the swirls of his tongue on her skin.

“Ah,” Cullen murmured in between kisses and licks, “you really should have anticipated this, it's the best part!” Belying his teasing words, he nudged her thighs to let go of him only a moment later. As soon as Cassia stood again, his hands got busy with opening her pants, pulling them and her underwear down just enough.

Just as Cassia wanted to quip back, his hand was between her legs, making most of her thoughts fly out of the nearest window as she felt his fingers find her most sensitive spot almost immediately. With another bout of impatience, she pushed against Cullen, trying to get him to hurry up, but it was of no use. He was completely immovable. Cassia was sure she was already soaking wet, and by the knowing grin on his face, Cullen definitely enjoyed the sight of her wantonly rubbing herself against him.

No matter how riled up both of them were, Cullen nearly always took his time. He seemed to love few things more than to tease her to new heights, to make her wait until she was ready to snap. Often enough it drove her almost insane with frustration, and yet she found herself loving every minute of it. It was like he had all the time in the world, and he was choosing to spend every bit of it on her and her alone. Even now, when he had already been so worked up and Cassia did her best to spur him on with small moans and movements, he refused to let himself be rushed. On the contrary, Cassia knew that if she pushed him too much, he would slow down even more until the need alone would make her submit to his pace. 

In a way, nothing of what had led up to this had really surprised her. It had always been more than obvious to her that Cullen craved being in control just as much as she yearned for giving that responsibility over to someone else. The only thing she hadn’t known had been the extent of it. For both of them, she realized at the surge of lust that went through her when he held her hips in place with an iron grip, preventing her from moving into his touch at all.

Cullen’s lips twitched into a satisfied smirk at the needy noises Cassia was letting out. She needed more, needed him to take her right against the wall behind her. Or on the not that far away couch. The table even. Any surface suitable really, before Cassia was losing her last bits of self-composure and started to beg. 

He let go of her hips, his hand finding its way up into her hair, slightly tugging on it until her head was angled backward and his mouth could work its way down her throat. Soft kisses were interrupted by teeth scraping over her skin as the feeling of stubble scratching over her sensitive skin sent more shivers down her spine. 

Maybe begging wasn’t as far off as she had thought.

“Cullen, please,” she breathed. “I need you. More of you.” She sounded far too desperate for her own taste, but Cullen seemed to appreciate it all the more. With a small growl, his lips were back on hers and he kissed her deeply as one of his fingers entered her. She couldn’t stop herself from grinding into his hand, from moaning into his mouth at the feeling inside her. But it still wasn’t enough. Cassia could feel his lips twist into another smirk against hers before he pulled back, looking at her with shameless want in his eyes, watching her intently as he pushed a second finger inside of her. For a moment, he didn’t move, and Cassia felt the air between them thick with want and desire. A small yell of delight escaped her as he suddenly moved his hand again, picking up the pace. The pleasure he gave her bordering just on the right side of roughness.

“I so enjoy it when you get loud,” he murmured close to her lips.

“You’ll have to keep doing things that make me then,” she replied breathlessly. The look he gave her made her lower body feel on fire. Trying to spread her legs further, she almost cursed in frustration as she found her movement halted by the fabric bunched around her thighs. She tried to wriggle out of her pants but without much success. When no amount of shifting around seemed to help even a little bit, she urged for Cullen’s help. “Pants,” she mumbled between kisses. “They’re stuck.”

With a quick look down, Cullen took in her problem and her futile struggle. One eyebrow raised, he looked at her, amusement sparkling in his eyes. “So impatient,” he chided playfully, accompanied by a stronger push of his fingers inside her as he made no immediate move to help her. “Don’t worry,” his voice was low against her ear. “I’ll get you out of your clothes and into bed soon enough, promise.” 

Her hips bucked into his hand almost on their own accord, and as Cassia let out a needy whimper she could feel the dark chuckle rumbling through his chest.

“Or should I let myself be persuaded to give you what you want right now instead?” he asked, and Cassia nodded almost frantically. 

“Please!” she whispered in between moans.

It was only one word, but right at this moment, it was enough. His fingers suddenly withdrew from her, and before she could protest, the room spun as Cullen turned her around. His hands were firmly on her hips as she was pinned once more, this time with her bare breasts being pressed hard against the still cold wall. 

Briefly, Cassia thought back to that day in the Chantry. Similar to then, she felt strangely exposed like this, unable to see what he was doing yet being on display for him. It excited her more than she would have thought possible when she realized she was now indeed completely at his mercy as he took both of her wrists into one of his hands and held them firmly at the small of her back. At the shiver of excitement that went through her, she felt her hands tremble lightly, her magic reacting almost on its own again. Her fingers tingled with the telltale sign of stray magic, and from the way he tightened his grip around her wrists, he could feel it too.

“It seems we both get what we want then,” he said with a low rumble in his voice. For a moment, she wasn’t sure what exactly Cullen meant, but an instant later, she felt a strong pull go through her, draining the remaining magic that hadn’t been forced out by the Smite. His breath was hot but steady on her neck, as Cassia realized, that the fact that she noticed what he was doing meant that he  _ wanted _ her to feel it.

She remembered the times he had taken all of her magic at once. How it had impacted him each time, thrown him off balance.  _ ‘Overwhelming’, _ he had called it before telling her not to worry about it. If she had understood back then that his issue was that it felt just a little bit too good and not some horrible side-effect, she would have indeed worried less.

She decided there and then to give up any remains of guilt for the things that excited her as feeling just how effortlessly he could take all her magic away made her breath hitch and her hips push backward. Luckily, they seemed to be on the same page as she felt him move to undo his own pants with a raspy chuckle, suddenly as much in a hurry as she was.

“Cullen,” she begged again when he still didn’t move fast enough for her taste. “Cullen, please…”

Her begging turned into a wail as Cullen pushed forwards, filling her up with one strong thrust. The force of his movement went through her, pushing her harder against the wall. He drew in a ragged breath as he pushed into her to the hilt, a tight grip on her hip helping him brace himself. 

In their position, Cassia could barely even move, but she tried her best to push back at him, showing him that she still wanted so much more. Cullen seemed to be done with playing with her for now, not willing to draw things out anymore as he answered her plea with another hard thrust. And another. The sound of skin slapping on skin filled the room with every movement. And still, she felt like he pushed further into her, filling her even more each time. His face pressed close to hers over her shoulder as he kept up his harsh pace.

What Cullen made her feel was full of contradictions, a beautiful compendium of extremes and opposites. His touches were as rough as they were suddenly gentle again. Each sharp, bordering on painful, snap of his hips against her was contrasted with mumbling sweet nothings into her ear. Each time his hands held her a little harder, he kissed her softly in exchange. Cassia loved every single moment of it, just as she loved every single part of him. 

Strangled, harsh breaths, both hers and his, mixed together as he picked up the pace, and Cassia felt her ability to form coherent thought slip away from her. Small cries of pleasure spilled over her lips, intertwining with Cullen’s sharp grunts as she felt the urgency between them growing with every thrust.

“Arms on the wall, above your head,” Cullen ordered suddenly, sounding almost breathless as he let go of her wrists to wrap his arm around her waist, pushing her even harder against him. Cassia braced her arms against the wall, barely steadying herself when Cullen’s fingers dipped lower and slid in between her legs. With an appreciative moan, he played around the point where he kept disappearing into her for a moment before seeking out that spot that made her entire body flare up. 

Cassia lost all rhythm, bucking against him as she felt the heat build up from her core all the way up through her body. Her head dropped back onto his shoulder, staring at her own clenched hands on the wall as Cullen kept circling that spot just perfectly while not even once faltering in his relentless thrusts. His breath was hot against her ear as she started to drown in the sensation of all that was him. So close to losing herself completely. 

“Talk to me,” Cassia whispered, followed by a desperate moan. She couldn’t see him in this position, all she could do was feel. And listen.

“Cassia,” he breathed, the touch of his lips on the sensitive skin behind her ear sending goosebumps down her back. A moment later, he was peppering her neck with small bites and kisses. Every nip of his teeth only stroked the fire between them, sending her into another bout of moans. “Mine!” he growled, as his grip on her tightened. 

Cassia was certain that he was leaving marks all over her body, setting her skin and her mind on fire underneath his touches. 

“I love you!” he murmured, sounding impossibly soft in comparison to his hard touches, and with those words in her ear, a desperate push of his hips, and another almost rough flick of his fingers, she came. Shivering and crying out once more against him as she kept pushing back, Cassia rode out the shattering waves of her orgasm. Almost as if it was somewhere in the distance, she heard Cullen nearly roar with his own release. His arm around her tightened into an unbreakable hold for the briefest moment before she felt him slowly relax against her. 

Cassia took the chance to move, even if it was almost reluctantly as she felt him slipping out of her. Her legs were still trembling when she tried to turn underneath his hands, and a gentle hold on her hip stopped her.

“Stay, just for a moment.” 

His voice held noticeably less tension in it than before. This was no longer Cullen ordering her around. It was him making a request. With a small smile dancing on her lips, she leaned back into him, letting them stay the way they were a bit longer. The warmth of his chest against her bare back felt soothing, despite both of them still trying to catch their breath. When he finally relaxed against her, turning her around to face him, Cassia could almost see him argue with himself in his own head. There was something in his eyes that told her a part of him was still unsure about what they had just done. That was still wondering if he had done something wrong.

Before Cullen could voice any of this, Cassia was pressing her lips against his. The way he kissed her back was soft, almost too careful as he held her close to him. Showering her with featherlight touches and languid caresses as his hands ran over the marks he had left behind on her body. 

“I hurt you,” he said quietly as he broke away from her, his eyes trailing the imprints of his fingers still visible on her hip.

“Barely noticeable,” Cassia said with a small smile, nudging him slightly until he looked her in the eyes again. “You know I like it when you do that,” she said straightforwardly. Assuring him to not doubt himself somehow made it easier for her to speak freely about this. “I wouldn’t mind going a bit further with some of this next time,” she confessed, pausing in thought before adding, “That is if there is a next time. I thoroughly enjoyed this, so I’d like here to be one.”

Cullen shook his head in disbelief, but at the same time, a wide smile spread over his face. “I think I might just  _ ‘thoroughly enjoy that’ _ as well,” he admitted with a sheepish grin before gently placing a tender kiss onto her nose. “As long as you keep promising me that you will tell me to stop the second you need me to! Or if you ever don’t want…”

“Cullen, I’m not afraid of you, or any of this,” Cassia said, smiling at him encouragingly. “You can rest assured that I would speak up the second I felt I needed to. I can promise you that.” She let her head rest against his shoulder, breathing in his scent deeply.

It spoke to the deep trust she had in him and their mutual understanding of each other that had grown over the years that Cassia couldn’t even imagine such a situation ever happening. He knew her just as well as she did him, after all. She wished she could put into words just how unconcerned about that she truly was. Not for lack of caring but rather from a deeply rooted conviction inside of her. But her words felt insufficient in that regard. For now, all she could do was pray he would accept assurances and would keep believing her. 

Cassia knew he wanted to. She could see it clear as day on his face, the unabashed need to accept her words for face value. To not let insecurities and uncertainty stand in the way of that. She knew because sometimes she still caught herself feeling the same way. 

It all felt so horribly familiar, and Cassia wanted nothing more than to assure him that everything was going to be alright, like he had done so often for her in the past. Wanted him to understand that she had never felt so loved, so absolutely safe as when she was with him. 

In many ways, Cullen’s fears were a mirror of her own. Where she was afraid that they would reach a point where he could no longer see past the fact that she was a mage, he feared she would reject his templar side. Baseless fears, Cassia now realized. But nonetheless fears she could feel from the way he held her in his arms at night, from his sometimes guarded gaze when he watched her, from carefully chosen words every once in a while. Like there was a part of him that felt he was somehow unworthy, like he didn’t deserve what they had together. The part of him that seemed to be waiting for everything to fall apart. 

But despite everything that they had gone through, they were further from falling apart than ever, Cassia felt. Cullen had seen her at her lowest already, and yet he still readily gave her everything without conditions. Despite the dire situation all of Kirkwall suffered under, he was working nonstop to offer her a future worth having. Something she had only ever thought about in her most secret dreams. And yet, the smallest doubt remained whether she truly wanted it. Wanted  _ him _ . As if rejecting him was something Cassia would be capable of. She would do everything to convince him that he was not only worth it, but also meant the world to her. Even if it would take her a lifetime to do it.

Cassia was still enjoying their closeness and the feeling of his hands gently roaming over her back and shoulders when she felt her legs slightly tremble in exhaustion. With a nod towards the door, she sighed. “Perhaps we can move this to the bedroom? I feel a bit like I am going to sink to the floor any moment now.”

With a chuckle, Cullen swept her off her feet and into his arms. “That does sound like a good idea,” he grinned, ignoring her startled squeak. “You’ll have to get the door, and I promise you won’t have to take a single step in return.”

Cassia laughed as she tried to steady herself, throwing an arm around his shoulder. “Deal!” she agreed.

Some fumbling, some careful maneuvering so she wouldn't hit her head and a lot of laughter later, he carefully let her down in their bedroom. Cassia still felt slightly unsteady as he let go of her to close the door behind them, divesting himself of his still only halfway undone pants in the process.

“We’ll have to clean up all the clothes in the living room before Orana gets here tomorrow morning,” Cassia said with a grin.

“We can get up early enough,” Cullen agreed as he pushed back the covers and pulled her onto the bed with him. Without any further comment, he started to unlace her still stuck pants, finally getting her out of them.

“See?” he grinned, “I told you I’d get you out of your clothes and into bed soon enough.”

Cassia’s eyebrows rose as she gave him a pointed look. “So you did! And what a way to get here, exhausting me so thoroughly I can’t even stand anymore.” 

“Ah,” he nodded, his tone full of obviously fake regret, “I am deeply sorry for that.”

With a laugh, Cassia shook her head. “Are you though?”

“Not really, no” he shrugged before that self-assured smirk that seemed to be specially reserved for when they were alone came out again. Cassia could still feel her legs tremble slightly, but her exhaustion didn’t manage to stop the renewed feeling of lust that went through her.

“So,” she said as she let her fingers skim over his thighs, “draining my magic is something that actually makes you feel good, isn’t it? That’s what you meant with  _ ‘overwhelming’ _ ?” When she saw a noticeable flush on his face, Cassia shuffled closer. “Don’t worry,” she whispered against his lips, “I feel the same way about it.”

“There just might be something seriously wrong with us,” he murmured as he pulled her now completely naked body on top of him. “I doubt anyone but you would look kindly at this.”

“Maybe not,” Cassia agreed as she leaned over him. “But it doesn’t matter. What we do behind closed doors is of no interest to anyone else.” 

Cullen’s hands were trailing up her thighs as he shook his head at her with a smile. “That easy, huh?” 

She could feel him twitch against her in renewed interest, and she licked her lips in anticipation. “The first time we had sex, we had just met, the second time was in your office, on your desk in bright daylight,” Cassia said with a grin as she let her nails scratch lightly over his chest. “And after we moved in together, you made me pray to the Maker while taking me inside a full Chantry during an important service. All things people wouldn't look kindly at, don’t you think?”

With an amused glint in his eye, he pulled her down to kiss her again before sighing against her lips. “When you put it like that, I guess this really wasn’t out of the ordinary,” he murmured. 

“I know you are used to giving orders, but I have one for you,” Cassia said in between kisses. “No more worrying! For both of us actually. Just… feeling. And enjoying it.” She shifted slightly until her hips came to rest just in the right spot for some delicious friction, causing Cullen to let out a moan under her. 

“No more worrying,” he agreed, as his hands buried themselves in her hair. “I have decidedly different plans for the rest of the night.”

“I can’t wait to hear every single one of them,” Cassia sighed before letting herself be swept away again by heat between them.

In that moment, under his touch and in his arms, she could believe her own words. Could stop worrying and feel absolutely certain that, whatever else may come, they would be fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another year comes to an end for our found family. Wanna know what comes next? Come find us on [Tumblr](https://intothedragonverse.tumblr.com) for snippets and previews :D


	20. That Which Binds Us Together

“I can’t believe we missed both First Day and Wintersend,” Carver grumbled as they climbed the stairs towards Hightown.

It was already getting dark, a few lonely snowflakes dancing in the icy wind blowing through the streets. The people were huddled into their thickest winter coats, barely looking up as they hurried by. After a mild start into the year, winter had decided to have a late comeback with strong winds, night frosts, and a biting, dry cold during the sunny days. Still, Merrill had insisted that it smelled like spring as they had come down from the mountains the day before, her eyes gleaming as she touched the first buds on the bushes lining the way towards Kirkwall.

“ _I_ can’t believe you let Merrill cut your hair,” Adriene grinned, touching the decidedly shorter hair on the side of his head.

“It was getting into my eyes,” he said defensively. “And she said she’d cut it so it could grow back for a while. I like it.”

Adriene chuckled. “No, it’s nice, don’t worry. Still, I do remember the fuss you always made when Mom wanted to cut it shorter.”

Carver just mumbled something unintelligible.

They had brought Merrill and Varric home and were on their way to Cassia’s, drawing more than a few looks as they walked through town. Both had several weapons strapped across their back, their winter coats and boots crusted with mud and what probably still was some remnants of blood, and Adriene assumed that the rest of their appearance was not much better. The trek through the mountains back to Kirkwall had not brought them across any taverns, and the water of the streams they had passed had been too cold for anything but the most superficial washings. She could not wait for a hot bath and some clean clothes — and a proper meal. The supplies that were supposed to last them the whole trip had run out just after they had come out of their involuntary two-week stay within the Warden Prison, leaving them to scour the meager leftovers in the Carta hideout for what they could find. It hadn’t been much. Apparently, they had killed most of their enthralled inhabitants on their way down to the prison already, and the rest had scattered and fled once that Corypheus-thing was dead, taking most of their food with them. It had made for a rather exhausting trip home.

But despite the dirt, a few more scars, and several pounds of weight loss, Adriene felt surprisingly good. For the first time in what felt like years, she had slept soundly nearly each night — apart from the two weeks in the underground prison where she had been perpetually on edge in the darkness and too-close walls. But even there, the nightmares had slowly subsided, and with Merrill sharing the tent with her, she hadn’t been alone a single night. More than that, the whole trip had somehow felt like a reprieve. Despite the overwhelming story of the Darkspawn-Magister-Who-Brought-The-Blight and the revelations about their father having done blood magic for the Wardens, it had been just one thing to focus on. No politics. No templars. No expectations.

As they knocked on Cullen and Cassia’s door, however, not even the knowledge that all of this would start again now and that she’d be back to being alone in a too-big house could lessen the excited joy of coming back to her twin. Being so far away from home had brought a new appreciation of their connection, of that ever-present hum in the back of her consciousness that let her know that Cassia was safe and waited for her. As she waited for the door to open, she could barely keep still, a wide smile already on her face.

It didn’t take long until the door opened, warmth and light spilling out into the cold evening. Adriene could see the exact moment that realization settled on Cassia’s face as she stared at them with an open mouth, hand still on the door.

“Hey Cass,” she beamed. “You wouldn’t have a hot bath and a meal for us tonight?”

“And a bed,” Carver added in a grave voice. “Don’t forget a bed.”

Adriene nodded. “Oh, true. We really don’t want to have to warm up that huge empty house first, so we tho—”

She wasn’t able to finish the sentence as Cassia flew into her arms with a joyous exclamation. “You’re back! Maker, you’re back!”

“We’re back,” Adriene laughed, her arms tight around her sister.

Cassia could do nothing but hug her sister back, closing her eyes with a smile at the thought that both Adriene and Carver were back, looking not much worse for wear.

The moment Adriene let go of her, Cassia pulled Carver into a similar embrace. 

“I’ve been so worried about you both,” she muttered quietly. “You were gone a really long time.”

“Sorry for that,” Carver said, hugging her back equally as tight before letting go. “Some unforeseen things happened…”

“I figured,” Cassia nodded as she ushered them inside, taking in their worn-down appearance and tired faces. “Alright, I’d say hot bath for you both first because as much as I love you, you two smell!”

“I’m not going to say no to that,” Adriene said with a grin on her face. 

Carver immediately agreed, “Neither am I, I’ve been cold for weeks!”

“Cassia, was there someone important at the door?” came Cullen’s voice from the living room just a second before he himself did, Maia on his arm. At the sight of Adriene and Carver, he broke into a wide smile. “You are back!”

Maia had taken a moment to see who was suddenly there with them, but the moment she recognized Adriene, it was more than obvious that she, too, had missed her. “Riene!” she squeaked, as she started to wiggle on her father’s arm, her own arms outstretched in a clear gesture of excitement.

“Sunshine!” Adriene exclaimed with a laugh, carelessly throwing her pack and weapons into a corner, quickly followed by her boots and coat before she reached for Maia, taking her out of Cullen’s arms. “Hi little one,” she said lovingly as she cuddled her, rubbing her nose against Maia’s. “I missed you, too! And now you’re filthy, too, how is that for a return present?”

Maia clearly didn’t mind her current state of dress, laughing in delight as Adriene tickled her. While Carver put his things away more carefully, Adriene kissed Cullen on the cheek as a greeting.

“Your wife promised us a bath,” she said meaningfully, and Cullen laughed.

“Point taken. And yes, that does sound like a great idea from the looks of it.”

Cassia had closed the door behind them and ushered them in, still a beaming smile on her face. “Come on in! Anders and Fenris will be here soon, too, Cullen was just preparing dinner.”

Adriene raised her eyebrow at him. “Ah, back at being domestic,” she chuckled.

Cullen just laughed.

A half-hour later, Adriene emerged from the bathroom dressed in fresh, clean clothes and toweling her wet hair. “Carver, Cassia has heated fresh water for you, the bath is yours,” she called out as she walked into the living room. “And look, I found a person beneath the dirt!”

“You’re just in time to say goodnight to Maia,” Cullen said as he came over to her, his daughter on his arm. “I’m going to get her to bed before Fenris and Anders come, otherwise she’ll be so excited we’ll never get her down.”

Adriene laughed. “I believe that in a second,” she said and kissed her niece goodnight. “Sweet dreams, sunshine! Tomorrow, we’ll make extra time to play.”

Maia giggled and cuddled closer into Cullen’s arm who kissed her on the head before he brought her to her room.

In the background, Cassia had started to set the table in the living room, pulling up more chairs to accommodate the extra guests, and Adriene shot her a look. 

“So, Fenris _and_ Anders are coming for dinner? Any special occasion?” she asked, a hint of curiosity in her voice.

“Not really, just our weekly dinner,” Cassia answered, putting down one plate after another. “It kind of just became a regular thing on its own over the past few weeks. Makes it easier to meet up than the Hanged Man does. Well, at least for me and Cullen, that is,” she explained. “Isabela would be here too, but she had something else planned tonight.”

With a grin towards Adriene, she added, “I bet she would have canceled whatever it is though if she knew you’re back.”

Adriene just smiled non-committedly, ignoring the little flip her heart did at the mention of their friends, the flash of disappointment that Isabela wouldn’t be here, and the rush of excitement to see both Fenris and Anders again after such a long time. It seemed like the two months of absence had done nothing to ease her feelings. She put the towel aside and walked over to help Cassia, but her sister waved her aside.

“Go, sit down, I got this,” she smiled at her. “And there’s a bottle of wine open if you care for a glass.”

“Nice!” Adriene poured both of them a glass and settled into the armchair near the fire, stretching her bare feet towards the flames. “Aaah,” she sighed contentedly. “As much as I like being on trips, the lack of warmth did leave something to be desired.”

“Since I know you to be notoriously cold, that must be the understatement of the decade,” Cassia laughed. She had finished setting the table and joined her sister at the fire. Clinking her glass against Adriene’s, she smiled, “It’s good to have you back.”

Adriene smiled back. “It’s good to be back. But honestly, if I had known that it would only take my absence to get Fenris and Anders to regularly join you for dinner _together_ , I’d have gone away sooner.” She gave Cassia a wink and took a sip from her glass before she pulled her legs beneath her. “So tell me everything! What did we miss?”

Cassia laughed at Adriene’s declaration. “I am as surprised about this development as you are,” she said before taking a sip of her wine. “The start of this was actually one of the things you missed. We found a way to keep that demon away from my dreams. Or better; Fenris did. He had the idea for it.”

Adriene’s eyes widened. “Fenris? Oh, that’s a story I have to hear!”

“Naturally,” Cassia chuckled before launching into the tale of what had happened in Adriene’s absence. From warding the house and dealing with the Qunari to the more frequent invitations she had gotten from the Knight-Commander. A topic that immediately cast a shadow over Adriene’s face. For very good reasons, Cassia knew only all too well, but still, after being apart from her sister for so long, she really didn’t want anything to permanently spoil the evening. 

“Oh, but far more important! Maia has learned how to climb things,” Cassia very deliberately changed the topic. “And I don’t mean harmless stuff like getting on a chair. Straight up tackling bookshelves and anything else she can get a decent grip on. You should have seen the mess she made in Anders’ clinic the other day...”

Adriene chuckled, grateful for Cassia’s very obvious attempt at changing the topic. She was only too glad to postpone the darker topics until later. “Oh no, was it very bad?”

Cassia nodded, but her eyes sparked with amusement. “It was, she nearly toppled the shelf with his herbs. But thankfully, Anders caught it in time, and actually managed to make a game out of cleaning up. It was quite the sight.”

They looked both up when the door opened and Carver and Cullen came back in. “... few days at least, maybe more,” Carver said to Cullen as they entered. “Depending on when the next ship leaves.” He, too, was dressed in fresh, clean clothes, damp hair clinging to his forehead and looking much more like himself.

“Is Maia asleep?” Cassia asked, and Cullen nodded, crossing the room to her and giving her a kiss.

Carver immediately went for the table. “So, can we eat already?” he asked, reaching for one of the steaming pots.

“Hey, stop it! We’re still waiting for the others!” Cassia chided him, hurrying to the table and giving him a playful slap on the hand.

As if on cue, someone knocked at the door. Adriene jumped up, a sudden flutter in her stomach and a light in her eyes. “I’ll get it!” she said and hurried to the door while Carver let out a heartfelt, “Finally, I’m hungry.”

As Adriene opened the door, she could hear both Fenris and Anders talking calmly, but she was too excited to even try to listen to what they were saying. Anders was the first to notice who was standing in front of them, and he stopped talking mid-word, his eyes widening.

“Adriene,” he just said in complete astonishment, and she laughed, a warm rush of excitement and joy running through her as Fenris’ eyes snapped to her, too, and they both stared at her.

“Surprise!” she exclaimed joyfully and nearly jumped in both their arms, pulling them into a tight hug. For now, she was only too eager to ignore everything but the pure, unadulterated happiness at seeing them both again. It took only a second, then she could feel them hug her back.

“See, I promised I’d come back safely,” she smiled at Fenris as she pulled back after a long moment. “I keep my promises.”

There was a rare softness in his eyes as he looked at her with an open smile. “You do,” he nodded, the smile still playing in the corner of his lips. “Welcome back.”

“When did you arrive?” Anders asked.

“Just an hour or two ago,” she answered before she took a step aside and ushered them in. “Come on in,” she said cheerfully, taking one of each of their arms as they walked to the living room, unwilling to be further away from them than strictly necessary. “Dinner is ready, we’ve only been waiting for you. But honestly, I haven’t expected to see you arrive together.”

They had entered the living room, and Cassia grinned at her words. “They’ve actually made a habit out of it, believe it or not,” she said, coming over to greet them.

“Because I like my food hot,” Fenris said somewhat defensively. “And _someone_ is unable to be on time on his own.”

“That is because _someone_ works for a living,” Anders quipped back, sounding surprisingly light-hearted. 

“Most of them don’t even pay you,” Fenris muttered under his breath, but he, too, didn’t seem to actually put any heat behind his words. 

“Guys, it’s wonderful to see you and whatever else, polite small-talk and some nice words, but seriously, I am starving!” Carver complained, his eyes still glued to the pots, not even looking at them as he spoke. “Sit down, have food, talk later!”

“Did you really just say _‘polite small talk and some nice words’_ instead of actually, you know, making small talk?” Cullen chuckled, as he sat down, taking the lids off the pots that kept the still steaming hot dinner warm. 

Cassia smiled quietly, biting down her own chuckle as she noticed that he was moving deliberately slow.

Carver sent Cullen an almost desperate look. “Weeks on the road! And Cassia promised me food!”

“Ah, stop torturing him already, Cullen,” Adriene said with a grin as she joined the others and sat down at the table. 

While everyone was busy filling their plates, Cassia leaned towards Adriene, talking quietly as she covertly nodded towards both Fenris and Anders. “They are both so full of shit, by the way,” she said with a conspiratory smile on her face. “I know for a fact that Fenris was worried about the increased patrols around the city. That’s why he went and picked Anders up the last few times.”

“Increased patrols?” Adriene asked, a frown appearing on her face even as she started eating with relish. Food, blessed, warm food!

With a dismissive gesture, Cassia waved her concerns away. “I’ll tell you later. That wasn’t the important bit!”

“But…” Adriene started around a mouthful of potatoes, only to interrupt herself again when Cassia raised her eyebrows expectantly. She swallowed and looked back to Fenris and Anders who laughed at something Carver said, letting Cassia’s words go through her head again. Her hands sank down, the food momentarily forgotten as she looked from Fenris to Anders. Fenris going to Darktown to pick Anders up so he wouldn’t be alone in case of an attack? That… was new! A surprised, delighted smile came onto her face, and she nodded eagerly.

“You’re right, that isn’t the important part!” With a grin, she turned back to Cassia, completely ignoring her plate. “Don’t tell me they’ve become friends without either of them noticing?”

Her sister nodded with gleaming eyes. “Don’t let either of them hear it, they’d both deny it, but… yes. Fenris even stayed while Anders and I worked on a small ritual together, with barely batting an eye.”

Adriene’s eyes widened. While Fenris had gotten used to the mages in their groups using magic in battle or for healing, he still shied away from any other use of magic — for good reasons. Him being comfortable enough to stay around while they worked on something like this was enormous. “No way!”

“Yes! And you should see them…”

The sudden silence around the table made Cassia trail off, and both she and Adriene looked up with a guilty look to find all but Carver, who was busy eating, looking at them. Cullen looked like he could barely suppress a laugh, while Fenris and Anders both raised their eyebrows.

“... should see us… doing what?” Fenris asked in the driest possible voice, fixing them with a deadpan look. “Please, don’t stop gossiping on my account.”

“It’s not gossiping when you’re around,” Adriene protested, laughter in her voice. “Also, it’s only good things. Cassia was just telling me what a great help you were while we were away.”

“Tremendous help,” Cassia nodded in agreement before adding with a look of pure innocence on her face, “I am really just updating Adriene on all that happened while she was away.”

“Of course you were,” Anders snorted, shaking his head.

“Someone has to tell Adriene things,” Cassia declared with another chuckle. “I can’t rely on any of you to tell her the really important bits now, can I?” There was only a hint of teasing in her voice, but it was enough to make both Fenris and Anders go back to their food without any further comment.

Satisfied, Cassia turned back to her sister. “Fenris is also teaching me how to fight,” she informed her. “It makes me appreciate just how gentle you and Carver have been about that in the past. He is not nearly as nice about my shortcomings as you both always were.”

“You don’t have any shortcomings, just room for improvement,” Carver said between bites, a smile on his face at the familiar sentence he had told Cassia again and again when she had been close to giving up.

Cassia beamed at him while Adriene chuckled. 

“Oh, I remember that too well!” With a grin, she nudged Cassia. “You would be inconsolable every time we didn’t wrap any critique up into a whole bunch of encouraging stuff.”

“Cassia not taking critique well? Color me surprised!” Anders shot Cassia a pointed look before he grinned at her. 

“Hey, I know how to take criticism!” Cassia protested immediately. “But it wouldn’t hurt anyone to be at least decently nice about it…”

“ _‘Nice’_ doesn’t save you from dying in a back alley,” Fenris muttered. 

“He’s right,” Anders agreed. “And from what I saw you’re definitely learning fast, so his approach is working, right?”

Full of mock disbelief, Cassia turned to Adriene. “You see what I mean? Ganging up on me, just like that!”

“Don’t worry, Cassia, I totally got your back,” Adriene assured her sister in her most serious voice before she turned to the others with an exaggerated frown. “Everyone, really. If Cassia wants to die in a back alley, that is totally her prerogative!”

“I’ll have you know that no one missed you. Like, _at all_!” Cassia muttered as laughter swept through the room.

“Oh, good to know, that makes this easier,” Adriene said, still in that serious tone even though her eyes sparked with amusement. Cassia drew her eyebrows together as she eyed Adriene suspiciously.

“Makes what easier?” Anders eventually asked when Cassia refused to take the bait.

“Well,” Adriene said slowly, leaning back with her glass in her hand, taking a deliberate sip to prolong the pause. “Carver and I have discussed it a lot these last months, and with everything, we think it would be best if I move to Amaranthine.”

To Carver’s credit, he didn’t even twitch as Anders turned to him. “You’re kidding,” he accused them, but Carver only shrugged, shoving another piece of bread into his mouth. Fenris gave Adriene a look from narrowed eyes, and she quickly hid a grin behind her glass.

For a moment, something like uncertainty flickered over Anders’ face as he looked back to Adriene, but when Cassia just shook her head at her sister, he relaxed.

“You’re the worst,” he said as Adriene started to laugh.

“Really, did you think this would give you some sympathy?” Cassia clicked her tongue disapprovingly at Adriene. “You have to find something better than try to make us believe you’d voluntarily get on a ship in the midst of winter.”’

“Oh, come on,” Adriene protested amidst the laughter. “At least now I know that one person missed me after all.” She leaned forward to lay her hand on Cullen’s with her best impression of serious compassion. “Don’t worry, Cullen. I’m not gonna leave you to their whims again. At least not soon.”

Cullen clasped a hand over Adriene’s, looking dead serious as he responded, “Thank the Maker! I don’t know how I have even survived the past few months without you here.”

“He definitely missed you most,” Cassia said with a solemn nod. “The rest of us barely even noticed you were gone at all.”

“That who was gone?” Fenris asked, feigned innocence in his voice as he pointedly went back to eating his food. 

“No idea, didn’t notice a thing,” Anders went along, filling his plate with a second portion.

With a bright grin, Carver did the same right after, filling his plate up to the brim. “Ah, nothing like coming back to a loving home, isn’t there?”

Adriene gesticulated around her with an air of indignation. “As you can clearly see, I wouldn’t know.” Then she looked Cullen deep in the eyes. “Apart from you, of course.” She sighed theatrically. “Maybe I should come with you to Amaranthine, after all, Carver.”

“Jokes aside,” Fenris said, pointedly ignoring Adriene’s “Who’s joking?”. “You still haven’t spoken about what you found with the Carta.” He paused as he saw the look Carver and Adriene shared, and Adriene could see in the way his shoulders tensed that he was worried. “Was there actually blood magic involved?”

For a tiny moment, Carver and Adriene just looked at each other, then Adriene scrunched up her nose. “Can we postpone telling you about all that until tomorrow?” she asked with a wave of her hand. “It’s dealt with, that’s all that matters right now. And I really would love to just enjoy this evening.” Giving Fenris a smile, she added, “Because _jokes aside_ , I really am glad to be back. And I did miss you all.” Reaching for the wine bottle to refill her glass to wash down the rest of her food, she continued offhandedly, “Promise, tomorrow, you’ll get every detail about how we found one of the magisters who brought the Blight from the heavens.”

It took less effort than expected to join the round of chuckles and laughter at her words when her friends and family clearly thought this to be just another nonsense remark. 

Cassia watched the almost unnoticeable shadow that briefly clung to Adriene’s face, and her laugh got caught in her throat. Her eyes widened just the smallest bit. She knew her sister well enough to instinctively know that Adriene wasn’t joking. Not at all. 

But she had just gotten her back and the evening had been full of warmth and laughter so far, and so, Cassia just kept smiling, trying to find her own laughter again. She had to pry it out from where it was lodged in her throat with all the willpower she could muster, her curiosity wanting nothing more than to push for answers right now. 

But when she looked at all the happy faces around her, she knew that Adriene was right. It could wait. For now, it was enough that her siblings were safe and home again.

“So, what do you all say to getting a few bottles of wine after we’re done eating, and then you can tell us if Carver has finally learned how to build a tent without it crashing down on him in the middle of the night?” Cassia grinned at her brother, seeing with a not so small amount of glee how he almost choked on his food. 

“One time,” he said, muffled by the food in his mouth. “That happened one time and I was still a teenager!”

“A teenager that told us to ‘leave the important work to the real men that know how to do it properly’,” Cassia quipped back, still grinning at him.

Carver waved his fork at her. “Wasn’t that the same trip where you tried a new ‘recipe’,” he painted air quotes with his fingers, “and spoiled a whole bunch of food?”

Cassia only shrugged, seemingly unbothered. “There’s a reason why I let Cullen do most of the cooking.”

Adriene chuckled, listening contentedly to the loving back-and-forth between her siblings while she focused back on her food.

The rest of the dinner went by in no time, and not much later, she found herself on the couch with another glass of wine in her hand, legs stretched out across it and towards the fire. A pleasant, warm heaviness spread through her limbs, and a smile played over her lips as she looked into the flames. She was warm, sated, and not in danger for the first time in weeks, and she intended to enjoy every second of it.

“Seriously? You’re going to occupy the whole couch?” Fenris’ dry voice brought her back to reality with a suddenness that made her nearly spill her wine as she gave a start. She had been close to nodding off without even realizing it.

As Adriene looked up, he made an apologizing gesture. “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

She huffed a little laugh and shook her head. “You didn’t, not really. I guess I am more tired than I thought. But…” She smiled up at him and readily drew her feet back. “I’ll happily share the couch, no need to nag.”

Fenris threw her a look as he sat down, helping himself to his own glass of wine. He had been helping with the dishes and just returned from the kitchen. “I’m not nagging,” he grumbled.

From behind her came a chuckle, and the next moment, Anders joined them. Adriene shuffled a bit closer to Fenris to make room for him as well. “Just because you don’t realize you’re nagging doesn’t mean you’re not doing it,” Anders smirked at Fenris who just frowned at him.

“I’m not nagging!” he repeated with insistence.

Adriene laughed, settling more comfortably onto the couch by turning sideways and pulling Anders’ arm around her while she stretched her legs out over Fenris’.

“And you really did this every week?” she smiled at Cassia who just settled down into Cullen’s arm. “How did they not drive you crazy?”

“Well, for starters, I neither block the couch nor try to sit on either of them,” Cassia teased. “Plus, they each make up for it by babysitting and teaching me stuff.”

“I’m not blocking the couch!” Adriene protested. “See, I made room!”

“That’s why I said ‘nor try to sit on either of them’,” Cassia chuckled, but her sister seemed unbothered, just shuffled closer to Fenris and Anders.

“First, it’s not ‘sitting on them’, it’s called ‘being comfortable’, and second, I don’t hear either of them complaining.”

“That’s because—” Fenris started, but Adriene quickly laid a finger on his lips.

“Shhhhh, don’t ruin this!” she shushed him. Fenris looked over to Cassia and shrugged with an overly resigned sigh while Anders only chuckled.

“I keep wondering if Isabela usually being here makes all this somehow less or more chaotic,” Carver said with a grin as he made himself comfortable with a few pillows on the floor.

“Yes,” Cullen nodded gravely.

For a moment, it was quiet before everyone broke out into laughter.

Over the course of the evening, more wine bottles found their way from the cellar onto the coffee table. Funny mishaps from their trip were shared as well as more stories of what had happened in Kirkwall in the meantime, with everyone taking great care to steer the topic away from anything worrisome or even the slightest bit negative. All of them in quiet agreement to enjoy at least one night of just being happy together.

When Adriene’s eyes fell shut while she was still mumbling that she was just relaxing and in no way falling asleep, Cassia smiled at the familiar picture. A smile that got even wider as she noticed that Fenris was asleep as well.

“I think it is really time to go home,” Anders said quietly before looking at Adriene, who was deeply asleep — and half-draped over him by now. Cassia could see how he was looking for a way to move without waking her and Fenris up. 

“Just stay,” she suggested. “You look half asleep already as well.” When she saw him only nod and murmur something under his breath, she went to grab a few woolen blankets. Handing one to Anders, she carefully draped another one each over Fenris and Adriene.

Cullen had gotten up as well, taking the more precariously placed wine bottles away from where they were in danger of being knocked over before deciding to leave the clean up for the next day. Carefully, he nudged Carver.

“I guess that means you get the guestroom all to yourself.”

A soft snore was all the answer he got. 

With a small chuckle, he looked at Cassia. “As sweet as this is, tell me we actually get to sleep in a bed.”

With a small smile, Cassia looked at her brother, sprawled on top of a pile of pillows, looking entirely dead to the world. 

“Don’t worry,” she said softly, “I don’t envy either of them for the back pain they'll most likely have tomorrow.” Gently, she got another blanket, making sure he wouldn’t wake up from being cold in a few hours before she put out the last candles. “No camping in the living room for us. Come on, let’s go to sleep and hope that Maia wakes them first before she comes looking for us!”


	21. A Father's Legacy

Adriene woke from the sound of little feet scuttling over the floor, and the next moment, a tiny someone threw herself at her.

“Riene,” Maia squealed with a giggle, climbing onto the couch to her. A low grunt came from Fenris, and Adriene blinked blearily. It took her a moment to understand where she was, then the memory of the night before came back, and she let out a content sigh while she pulled Maia into her arms. There was barely any light in the room, just the hint of embers from the fireplace, and from somewhere on the floor came Carver’s soft snoring.

Adriene felt someone move next to her, and a smile curled her lips as she realized that both Anders and Fenris were still on the couch with her. It seemed that they had turned around in their sleep, instinctively shifting so that she was nestled between them. Fenris was pressed against her back with one arm slung over her waist while she was half-draped over Anders, her head resting on his shoulder. It had such an implicitness and warm tenderness to it that it sent a rush of happiness through her, followed by a tinge of melancholy. If only it could always be like this. 

Maia babbled happy, unintelligible sounds while she snuggled between Adriene and Anders, her hand buried in Adriene’s hair. It took only a few moments before both Anders and Fenris stirred as well.

“It’s still dark, you little monster,” Adriene mumbled, placing a kiss onto Maia’s brow as she tucked the blanket more closely around her. “Go back to sleep.”

A deep sigh came from Anders. “How late is it?” he murmured sleepily, barely opening his eyes.

“Too early,” Adriene answered equally tired.

Fenris made a sound somewhere between a grunt and a sigh, then his arm tightened around her as he laid his hand on Maia’s belly who immediately grabbed two of his fingers in her fists. “Sleep, child,” he mumbled, somehow making it sound like an order.

A soft, low glow emanated from the markings on his hand, and Maia laughed happily before she stilled, contentedly playing with Fenris’ fingers. Adriene smiled and closed her eyes again with a happy sigh. Anders moved a bit to accommodate Maia more comfortably between them, his breath moving Adriene's hair as he stilled again. He hadn’t even opened his eyes. Adriene could feel the calm rise and fall of Fenris’ chest against her back, and a warm feeling blossomed in her heart that she knew she should quench again. But right now, _should_ didn’t matter. Right now, she only wanted to enjoy this. Letting herself be lulled into the warmth of the moment, she fell back asleep.

A few hours later, Adriene woke blinking into the glaring light of the sun shining directly through the window onto the couch and into her face. Cassia was just opening the window, looking over to her as she heard her stir.

“Good morning. Sleep well?” To her credit, there was barely a hint of mockery in her voice.

“Good morning,” Adriene yawned, propping herself up on an elbow. “Surprisingly, yes, despite the little monster coming to us in the middle of the night.”

Next to her, Anders carefully disentangled himself from them and pushed himself into a sitting position with a mumbled, “Good morning.”

“I think we might have made a mistake not moving into the big house with you,” Cassia said with a smile and a shake of her head. Adriene looked down on Maia who had obviously fallen asleep again with Fenris’ hand still on her belly. “Do you know how rare it is that she lets us sleep this long?”

As she watched, her niece blinked and yawned, stretching with the ease and carefreeness of a child. Adriene smiled.

“Wasn’t me, though,” she said. “If you want more of _that_ , you need to ask Fenris to move in.”

Behind her, Fenris started to move with a grunt, pulling his arm back as he sat up as well and stretched. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he mumbled, “my back seems to have _opinions_ this morning.”

Adriene chuckled. The warm feeling in her chest was back as she looked over her shoulder to him. “I don’t know what you’re complaining about, I slept just fine.”

“Talk for yourself,” Anders groaned, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “Whose idea was that last bottle of wine?”

“I distinctly remember that to be you,” Cassia grinned as she came over and picked up Maia who giggled in delight at seeing her mother. “I think you need a change,” she said lovingly, kissing her daughter.

Adriene stretched languidly. “Where is Carver?” she asked with a yawn as she sat up, too.

“He’s already in the garden, doing some workout. Breakfast will be done soon,” Cassia said over her shoulder, taking Maia back to her room.

For a second, silence fell as she left the room, something unspoken hanging in the air as Adriene looked from Anders to Fenris, suddenly very much aware of how close they had just been and how deliberately separate they now sat. A feeling she couldn’t quite place closed around her heart, heavy and warm at the same time.

But no. She didn’t want heaviness. She didn’t want to spoil this with something that shouldn’t be there, that neither of them wanted or needed to be there. This had been friends falling asleep after an evening of laughter and drinking. Nothing more. 

“First in the bathroom!” she exclaimed cheerfully, jumping up and hurrying out.

If there was something Adriene was good at, it was pretending that nothing was wrong. That she didn’t long for the kind of embrace that had so implicitly come from Fenris, or the tender closeness she had felt in Anders’ arms. She took her time in the bathroom, trying to get the whirlwind of her emotions back under control. So much for bringing some distance between her and the others. All it had taken was one evening together to bring all her resolve to keep her emotions in check tumbling down around her. Maybe she should follow Carver’s example and get some morning workout in to focus herself before they sat down for breakfast.

The morning was bitter cold and a few snowflakes danced through the air despite the sunshine. Carver gave her a knowing look as she came out to join him, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he just moved into position as she took the training knives from Cullen’s array. He was clearly already warmed up, a glean of sweat visible on his skin. Nonetheless, he adjusted to her slow movements, wordlessly going with her through the familiar motions. Training together was a familiar ritual, formed in their youth, that they had come to renew in the last months of traveling together. Soon, their pace quickened, the metallic clang of their weapons clashing the only sound in the morning as they dashed around each other.

It was only when Cassia called them inside for breakfast that they stopped.

“Better?” Carver asked as they put the practice weapons away, giving her a knowing look.

Adriene nodded. She felt indeed better, calmer and more awake. “Yes.”

“So, are you sure about you and Fenris not being an option?” he asked after a second of silence.

Adriene paused for a tiny moment, then she shrugged. “It’s not up to me,” she said quietly. “He knows how I feel. So does Isabela. There’s nothing more I can do.”

“Hm.” Something in his voice gave Adriene pause and she looked up at him questioningly. Carver leaned against Cullen’s weapon shed, arms crossed in front of his chest. “And Anders? I didn’t know he was in the picture as well,” he said when he caught her eyes, and Adriene resisted the urge to look back at the house.

“He’s not,” she just murmured, focusing back on the weapons even though they were already properly stashed away.

“Didn’t look like that to me.” Carver raised an eyebrow as she shrugged again.

“Anders has always ever just been a friend,” she said noncommittally.

“Mhm,” Carver made, clearly unconvinced.

Adriene let out a breath and resolutely closed the door of the shed before she turned back to him. “Carver, I don’t know what to tell you. Anders made it clear from the beginning that he has no interest in me. We are close, but we are just friends. I’d rather not risk that.”

“And what about your interest in him?” Carver seemed determined not to let the issue go.

Adriene started to answer, only to interrupt herself. A flustered confusion rose inside her at the thought of Anders being more than a friend. It was nothing she had ever even considered, not consciously at least. And it was nothing that was up for debate… was it? Moments of intimacy came to her as she thought back; when he had stayed with her and she had instinctively searched his proximity. When she had asked him to stay forever, without thinking, only half in jest. If even that.

But no. It couldn't be. Anders had always seemed uncomfortable when she had started to cross that invisible line between friendship and flirting which was why she made sure not to do it. And so, whatever feelings she might harbor were inconsequential. There was no use in dwelling further on what might or might not be. Especially since she knew whom he had no problems crossing that invisible line with. 

Her brother shook his head as he saw her struggle for words. “Listen, I’m not going to tell you what to do,” he sighed. “But the way the three of you acted was definitely more than—”

“Anders had something going on with _Cassia_ ,” Adriene interrupted Carver, a hint of sharpness in her voice. “Before Cullen was back in the picture. I have no interest in becoming a substitute for my twin.”

Carver seemed stunned, and he blinked a few times. “He did?” Adriene nodded, and he groaned. “You really have a talent for picking the most complicated people.”

Adriene chuckled dryly, putting her arm around him as they walked back to the house. “That’s me.”

Not much later, Adriene helped Cullen clear the remainders of their breakfast from the table and put on a new pot of coffee while Carver told them about the Warden Prison and the enthralled dwarves they had found.

“So let me get this straight,” Anders frowned, hands closed around his steaming cup. “The Wardens had some ancient, demonic being imprisoned down there and the wards had weakened, so it could influence the Carta to try and tear the wards down completely, yes?”

Carver nodded. “Yes. But it wasn’t a demonic being,” he said gravely.

“Remember what I said yesterday evening?” Adriene interjected, setting the coffee pot on the table.

Cassia’s eyes widened as she looked at her sister. “You really weren’t kidding,” she said in a flat voice.

Adriene gave her a look, unsurprised that Cassia had picked up on it. She shook her head as she sat down next to her.

Anders frowned. “Why, what did you say?” 

“She said they found one of the magisters who brought the Blight down from the heavens,” Fenris said quietly. 

A stunned silence lay over the room until Cullen shook his head in disbelief. “How was he even alive?”

“He was some sort of ancient darkspawn,” Carver explained. “My Commander in Amaranthine has encountered a similar entity. Though from what I know, that went vastly different.” With the occasional additions from Adriene, he launched into a more elaborate explanation of what they had found down in the Warden Prison and how they had fought their way through countless traps and riddles to finally take down the thing that had orchestrated the whole endeavor. When he finished, everyone was quiet again, trying to absorb the strange tale.

“So, Dad was a blood mage,” Cassia finally said, a cold fury permeating her voice.

Adriene gave her a worried look. “Not by choice,” She said softly.

But Cassia shook her head, her eyes narrowing as she threw Adriene a sharp look. “Not by choice? Our father, who never got tired of reminding us that those who turn to blood magic are the root of the problem?” Her fingers clenched around the soft fabric of her dress, and her voice got louder. “Who never got tired of insisting how _‘you always have a choice’_ and who told me to my face that I _‘must not let my fear of magic lead me down a path of weakness’_ when all I wanted were answers?”

Adriene’s shoulder sank, but she knew that Cassia’s anger was not directed at her. “I’m not trying to defend—” she started, only to interrupt herself with a shake of her head. “No, actually...” She took a deep breath before she looked at the others. “I am.”

From the way everyone but Carver narrowed their eyes at her, she was certain that this had not been the smart thing to say, but she didn’t back down, raising her chin. “I understand your anger, Cassia, believe me, I do. I was just as shocked by the discovery,” she said. “But Dad had no choice. They didn’t give him one!”

At her words, Fenris stood up abruptly, taking a few steps away from the table, his hands clenched to fists. Adriene did not blame him, but she couldn’t help the twinge of dark regret going through her as every remaining feeling of closeness from the last night shattered and fell apart. Of course he would think less of her for defending a blood mage.

Cassia’s face closed, and from the feeling of coolness in the air, she didn’t agree with Adriene in the least. Adriene gave her an imploring look, and shook her head again, making a sharp gesture with her hand as her voice got more agitated. “He didn’t! If the choice is ‘Do this one ritual to keep evil in or you go back to the Circle to be made tranquil and your lover who is carrying your child ends up on the street’, that is no choice!” She locked eyes with Carver for a moment as she added a bit more quietly, “The Wardens chose him because they knew _exactly_ he had no choice but to accept their bargain.” 

Cassia took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. The disbelief and anger running through her made it almost difficult to breathe for a moment before Cullen reached for her hand. He didn’t say anything, but the touch alone was like an anchor. Giving her something to pull herself towards and away from the raging storm of emotions that threatened to swallow her.

“It doesn’t change a thing what they had on him,” Cassia said, grateful that Cullen seemed not to care about her iron grip on his hand. “Not when it comes to how he behaved towards us, _towards me_ , when I needed his help instead of his stupid stubbornness.” Her fingers started to get noticeably colder as she tried to keep the familiar surge of magic down. So far, her hands hadn't frozen over, and Cassia would be damned if this of all things made her fail at her hard-won control yet again. But it seemed to be a battle she was losing fast, the cold creeping up on her regardless. That was, until she felt the familiar sensation of a slight pull on her. Briefly, she looked at their clasped hands as she felt Cullen draw some of her magic into him without any indication on the outside. When she looked up at him, his face showed nothing at all, and Cassia felt grateful for the small reprieve, for the way he kept her renewed struggles hidden from everyone else.

While it calmed down her magic, it didn’t manage to quell her anger, though. “Somehow, it makes this even worse,” she got out between clenched teeth. “I get being forced into a bad situation. That’s not what makes me angry. It’s what he did and said after. To me. _Because he knew._ ” She looked at Carver and Adriene. “If what you said you found out is true, then he knew exactly how all his talk about how _‘you always make your own choices’_ was complete bullshit!” 

“Of course he knew!” Adriene said agitatedly. “Of course he knew that there is not always a choice. He never told me that I had a choice. Because there was none.”

She took a breath and stood, turning to face Cassia. “But when it came to his magic — after this whole Warden business was done — he still had a choice. And he took it. Because he never used blood magic again.” A humorless smile was on her lips. “Just imagine what he could have done if he had honed it, with how powerful he already was without it. He didn’t though.”

“Can we… not do this?” Carver suddenly interrupted. He sounded very tired. “Because nothing good can come from this. Dad is gone and whatever ritual he did is undone. Fighting about it helps nobody anymore.”

A cry from Maia cut through the tension in the room, and both Adriene and Cassia looked at her in concern, realizing how loud they had gotten.

 _‘Get a grip,’_ Cassia admonished herself as she forced in a deep breath before doing her best to smile before she stood and hurried to pick up her little girl.

“I’m sorry, sweetness, I didn’t want to upset you,” she murmured into Maia’s hair, gently moving around. When Maia calmed down again, Cassia felt her own anger simmer down as well.

“It doesn’t matter in the end,” she said with a sigh, a trace of the earlier hurt still prominent in her voice. “What’s done is done. What else did you find down there?”

For a moment, a tense silence fell, then Adriene nodded. “You’re right,” she said quietly. “Sorry, Cassia.” Rubbing a hand over her forehead, she added, “Talking about Dad, there is one other thing we found. I’ll go get it.”

She left the room to rummage in her pack until she had found the leather-bound little book they had discovered in an old crate. Returning to the others, she laid it on the table. “It’s Dad’s old diary, we found it in a long-abandoned room. We read it on the way back, but it’s mainly talk about magic and rituals, so we couldn’t quite make heads or tails of it. It’s very Circle specific, of course, so Merrill was at a loss with a lot of the rituals as well.” Looking over at Cassia, she added, “Maybe it holds something of interest for you, though.”

For a moment Cassia just silently looked at the book. Anders seemed to notice her hesitation and cleared his throat. “If you want to, I can go through those notes with you. If they are really that Circle specific, I might be able to help you find anything of importance,” he offered, and Cassia nodded. 

“That’s not a bad idea, thank you for the offer,” she mumbled, sounding a lot more subdued than before. 

“See, this is exactly why I didn’t want to talk about this earlier,” Adriene muttered as she looked around the room. Fenris had his arms crossed in front of his chest, a deep frown on his face as he leaned against the wall. Cullen wore a similar frown, while Anders solemnly reached for the book and started to flip through the pages. Carver looked with something like resignation from one sister to the other, but Adriene didn’t even have to look over to Cassia to feel the unhappiness coming in waves off her. The last remnants of the light, familiar mood between them all had evaporated, and her heart sank. She had hoped it would last a bit longer. Instead, there was a tension in the room that seemed to lay itself heavily upon everyone’s shoulders.

Taking a deep breath, she shook herself and squared her shoulders. “I think it’s time I go. If I want any hope of bringing something like warmth into the house before night falls, I should go light the fires rather sooner than later.”

There was also bound to be a load of letters on her desk, and Cassia had already given her several notes about the talks she had had with the Arishok that she needed to go through. And Hubert hadn’t been happy about her leaving him to deal with the mine all on his own in the first place; he probably wanted to meet her soon as well. She really wasn’t looking forward to the work, but it was not like she could postpone it indefinitely. At least she was well-rested. That had to count for something.

“If you want to,” she added with a look to Anders, “you can go back to Darktown through our cellars again later.”

Anders nodded, giving her a small smile. “Thank you. But I have to go to the market anyway.”

“I’m going to join you,” Carver nodded at Adriene, pushing himself up from the table. “I have to get to the harbor to see when the next ship is leaving for Amaranthine anyway.” He clasped hands with Cullen and went over to kiss Maia and Cassia.

“I’ll bring your clothes back as soon as they’ve been washed,” Adriene assured Cassia.

“Don’t worry about that, it has time,” Cassia said, giving her a small smile. Relieved, Adriene smiled back, taking the peace offering as such.

As Adriene and Carver started to say their goodbyes, Anders and Fenris stood up as well.

“Leave it, I’ll take care of it,” Cullen said as they wanted to clear the last cups from the table.

“I’m glad you’re back,” Cassia murmured as she hugged Adriene goodbye. Adriene nodded.

“Me too,” she answered, tightening her arms around her sister before she let go, glad that the tension between them did not linger. “I’ll see you soon.”

A couple of minutes later, everyone had left, leaving Cassia alone with her thoughts. In her arm, Maia had started to yawn, her eyes falling close. While Cullen started putting away the spare blankets and tidied up the living room, Cassia gently carried her already half-asleep daughter into her room and put her down for a nap. 

When she left Maia’s room, the last bit of distraction was gone as well, and for a moment, Cassia could do nothing but lean against the door. She thought about her father’s diary, lying on their living room table, with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension. Part of her wanted to stubbornly refuse to ever take a look at it. As Carver had reminded them, their father was gone and whatever ritual he had been forced into did no longer exist as well. There was no need to poke at old wounds.

On the other hand, there might just be knowledge hiding in between those pages that could prove useful. Maybe they held something even more important. Something like answers. What she wasn’t quite sure of was if she wanted any at this point. Or if some things were better left alone.

With her eyes closed, she breathed deeply. Adriene was back. She, Carver, Merril, and Varric were all in good health, and they were home. _Focus on the positive things!_ The things that were so much more important than what her father had done long ago. It would be of no use to let something like this unsettle her carefully crafted equilibrium again.

And yet it almost had.

A shudder went down Cassia’s back as she recalled just how close she had been to lose control of her magic again. Part of her — the part that had been proud of how far she had come lately — was deeply disappointed in herself. Her embarrassment was only slightly alleviated by the fact that no one except for Cullen had noticed what had nearly happened.

With a sigh, she pushed herself away from the door and went to join him in the living room again. The more she was on her own, simply letting her thoughts circle over all the things that could have happened, the more the familiar feeling of anxiousness returned. Cullen’s presence was like a shield against all those bad thoughts, an impenetrable barrier they couldn’t pass.

The living room was nearly spotless when she came back in. Watching Cullen pick up the last of the sofa cushions Maia had pulled down earlier, Cassia smiled as she simply went to him and put her arms around him in a tight hug. 

“Thank you!” she murmured against the warmth of his chest. Reflexively, he dropped the pillow to draw her in closer.

“Hmm,” Cullen hummed as she tucked her head under his chin. “You’re welcome?” He sounded slightly confused. “It really wasn’t much work though…” 

Cassia chuckled lightly, closing her eyes as she breathed in his scent around her. “I didn’t mean the housework, though thank you for that as well. I meant for earlier.”

“Ah!” There was recognition in his voice, and his arms tightened momentarily around her. “I can only imagine that these can not be easy things to hear for you,” he said quietly. “The least I can do is have your back.”

Cassia couldn’t help but smile again. “I appreciate that so much, I can’t even begin to tell you.” She drew back a bit, raising her head and pushing herself onto her toes until she could place a gentle kiss on his lips. “Especially when my magic gets harder to control. Thank you for doing that for me without anyone noticing.”

Cullen’s eyebrows furrowed together. “Wait, I am not following,” he said, sounding confused again. “Doing what for you exactly?”

Cassia blinked, thrown off for a brief second before she smiled at him again. “For draining my magic when I was losing control,” she explained, but there was still no recognition in his eyes. “When all that talk about my father using blood magic came up?”

There was something on his face that Cassia couldn’t pinpoint as Cullen seemed to be in deep thoughts for a moment. He took a step back and sat down on the sofa, the unreadable expression still not leaving his face as he shook his head. 

“Cassia, I didn’t,” he started slowly before looking up at her. “Are you certain?”

Now it was Cassia’s turn to be confused. “Am I certain? Of course I am.” She had felt the drain clearly and her magic issues had simmered down immediately. “You saw how distressed I was and you,-” Cassia paused at the look in his eyes as something dawned on her. She sat down next to him, reaching for one of his hands. “You didn’t actually plan to do that…”

“I did not,” Cullen said quietly. 

It was quiet in the living room as they just sat and looked at each other for a moment. Cassia had the nagging feeling that this should be something that should probably worry her. Something she should be wary of. Maybe even afraid. The fact that she felt none of these things threw her off more than the realization that Cullen had drained her unconsciously, and she wasn’t sure how to approach that. How to make sense of it.

“What does that mean?” she finally asked, uncertain if she expected an answer from Cullen or from herself.

“I don’t know. But it can’t be good, right?” The look in his eyes told her that he definitely had all the concerns she couldn’t seem to muster up running through his head right now.

“Maybe it’s not a bad thing, though?” Cassia tried her best to sound calming, but Cullen was already looking like he was going to interrupt her. With a small sigh, she nudged his arm. “No, let me finish,” Cassia insisted as she shifted around until she was no longer beside him but seated firmly on his lap, her hands settling on his shoulders. His arms had closed around her almost immediately, and Cassia smiled as Cullen looked up at her. 

“I was in distress, and you reacted,” she said calmly, now that she had his full attention. “In a way that helped me and that we are both used to. So does it really matter if it was unconscious or not?”

The worry in Cullen’s eyes wasn’t completely gone, but he couldn’t help but smile at her with a slight shake of his head. “Are you trying to sweet-talk me out of worrying about this? Of worrying about you?”

“No,” Cassia tried to assure him. “I’m just saying maybe it’s not as bad as you think it is. I _know_ you. I saw the look on your face just now. You feel guilty again. And I don’t want you to feel this bad about something that has frankly been amazing so far and that I am nothing but grateful for.”

Her hands wandered up his neck until they came to rest on each side of his face. Cassia bent forward, her eyes falling shut as their lips met again in a soft, tentative kiss. As she shifted slightly against him, so did the mood between them. With a small moan, Cullen pulled her closer as he deepened their kiss. His hands ran up her back as she playfully grazed his lower lip with her teeth.

“I had some very good reasons for being worried in my head just now,” Cullen mumbled against her lips, drawing back only the slightest bit. There was a teasing tone behind his words, and Cassia’s breath hitched ever so slightly in anticipation. 

“Well, we can stop any time and discuss them in detail if you want,” she said, leaning back. With a look at the closed living room door, she added, “We have about half an hour to talk about this.” Her voice sounded calm, reasonable even, but the look she gave him was anything but as she let go of his face and started casually unlacing the front of her dress. “Or I could spend that half-hour showing you just how much I enjoy every little thing you do to me.” 

There was a brief pause as they looked at each other. An unspoken decision made that they both agreed on before Cullen’s hands covered hers and he started to help her on working to open her dress. 

“I guess we could always worry later,” he said with a low rumble in his voice as he pulled open one lace after the other. 

Cassia’s hum of approval turned into a soft moan as his lips wandered down her neck and she lost herself in the growing heat between them. 

She would worry if there was an actual problem. This? What they had between them now was the opposite of having a problem.


	22. In Darkest Realms

After her long absence, it was nearly absurd how quickly things returned to normal.

The first few days, Adriene was so busy she barely had a moment to breathe. Carver had found a ship that would take him back to Amaranthine a week later, and Adriene was only too glad to have him with her a bit longer. His presence kept the crippling silence away that had fallen over the house ever since their mother’s death, and that became nearly unbearable as soon as she was alone.

She made the most of his presence even while she was busy answering the many letters or receiving neighbors who wanted to welcome her back. As expected, both the Viscount and Hubert wanted a meeting sooner rather than later, and several people had a job proposition for her. Anders also had several things concerning the mage underground they had to talk about, and soon, it felt like she had never left. Cassia hadn’t mentioned the diary again, and Adriene didn’t ask after it. She didn’t want to upset her sister again, so she kept her visits brief and light, and the conversation away from their father or the events in the Vimmark Mountains.

The only one she talked to about the things they had found in the Warden Prison was Isabela.

Adriene met her in the Hanged Man two days after they had come back, and all her apprehension at seeing Isabela again was immediately washed away by the ease with which Isabela pulled her into an embrace. The usual noise of the crowd in the tavern washed around them, with someone getting a fiddle ready in one corner. Several people had welcomed her with a big ‘hello’ as she came in, clapping her shoulder and raising their tankards towards her as she walked to their usual table with a smile on her face.

“Seagull!” Bela beamed at her. “Next time, you let me know when you’re coming back so I don’t miss the reunion party!”

“You weren’t the only one who missed it,” Varric grumbled, raising an eyebrow at Adriene as he took a sip from his tankard.

“It wasn’t exactly planned as you well know!” Adriene protested, giving them both a guilty look.

Bela slung an arm around her shoulders with a laugh. “I know, I know. It’s my own fault that I wasn’t there. But well, the best parties are the impromptu parties.” She sighed dramatically, then a gleam came to her eyes. “We could have one now.” With a conspiratorial look, she leaned forward. “My parties are even better than impromptu parties.”

Varric snorted. “Your parties tend to end with someone in your bed.”

Isabela chuckled, taking her arm off Adriene. “Like I said, my parties are the best!”

“Well, you know I rarely say no to a party, but…” Adriene started, a sinking feeling in her chest as she looked sideways at Isabela. She had noticed the way Bela had immediately put the tiniest distance between them as if she wanted to avoid any insinuation of Adriene being the one ending up in her bed, and Adriene wasn’t quite sure whether she was grateful or disappointed. Ever since her stumbling try to confess her feelings and Bela immediately stopping her, followed by that horrible morning after her mother’s murder, their relationship had become somewhat strained. There was a distance between them that had never been there before and that not even being drunk could cross.

But today, Isabela seemed determined not to let the weight of unspoken and unrequited feelings deter them.

“No but,” she interrupted Adriene, giving her a wide grin. “We’re doing this. Didn’t you say Carver would come as well later on? And look, there’s Merrill! We’re already a party.” The fiddle started to play, and a burst of laughter and cheering came towards them, and Isabela gestured into the direction. “See?”

Adriene couldn’t help a chuckle at her enthusiasm.

“Come on, Twirly,” Varric said with a wink. “You don’t want to spoil the Rivaini’s mood, right? You know how she gets when she’s cranky.”

“Oi!” Isabela exclaimed.

Adriene snorted, amusement in her eyes. “Fine. It’s bound to be better than the fancy dinner waiting for me tomorrow at Lady Carlisle’s.”

“Who’s Lady Carlisle?” Merrill interjected, sitting down next to Isabela who kissed her on the nose, eliciting a chuckle.

“Not the crocheting lady, was it?” Varric asked, giving Adriene a sympathetic look.

Adriene nodded with a sigh. “That’s exactly the one. Even Mom was bored to death by her. But she’s Hightown’s authority on who gets shunned and who doesn’t, and being in her good graces means a lot of people will be on your side.”

“Ugh,” Isabela groaned. “Why do you even try to be on their side? It’s just bloody nobles! Who cares about them?”

“Meredith does,” Adriene just said quietly.

For a moment, silence fell. Then, Isabela slammed her hand on the table, making them all jump. “No! We were going to have a party. Meredith’s not here, neither is the Crocheting Lady. Corff!” She waved over to the barkeeper. “Bring us a barrel! Hawke is in need of a party.” She had a grin on her lips that held only the hint of an edge but widened as the people at the tables around them cheered at her words.

Adriene let out a breath, then grinned back. “If I remember correctly, it was you who—”

“Oh, shush,” Bela interrupted her, the grin on her face changing into something more genuine. “Your name still bears more weight.”

“And here I was thinking it was me who owned the Hanged Man,” Varric mumbled, making them all laugh.

A few hours later, the noise in the tavern had reached its usual heights. Merrill had fallen asleep with her head in Isabela’s lap, while Carver and Varric were deep in conversation. Adriene had just finished telling Isabela about the things they had found in the Warden Prison, a slight, comfortable, drunken fuzziness to the edge of her consciousness while the party around them kept going.

“So, your dad did what he had to to keep you safe,” Bela stated thoughtfully. “Hmm. Must be nice knowing he cared so much that he was willing to go that far.”

Adriene shrugged slightly. “In a way, yes. Cassia is super pissed, though.”

Isabela frowned. “Why?”

“Well, he was always going on about how blood magic is the source of all evil, lah di da,” she explained, taking another sip from her wine. “Bit like Anders, I guess. Bit like all Circle mages.”

Her friend shrugged, stroking Merrill’s hair. “I mean, they’re not wrong. We all know Merrill is the exception to the rule.”

Adriene nodded. “Yes, but…” She sighed. “I don’t know. I guess I can’t quite understand what it’s all about, with me not having magic and all. There are things Cassia and Bethany never knew because of their magic, it only stands to reason that there are things I don’t know because of my lack of it.”

For a moment, silence fell. “Well, I’m not going to pretend I know the struggles of being a mage or hiding one,” Bela eventually said, “but I know having to do things you regret for freedom. So…” She raised her glass. “To your dad. And bad choices that free you.”

Adriene chuckled, relieved about the utter lack of judgment in Isabela. She had always been able to count on her to have her back no matter what. Raising her glass as well, she nodded. "I'll drink to that."

Carver left the following week with promises to come back and bearing letters and gifts for Bethany. With him gone, the silence falling at night seemed even worse than before. Adriene stayed up longer than was smart, unwilling to face the quietness of the large, empty rooms. It was only when she couldn't keep her eyes open even if she wanted to that she put out the candle and fell asleep.

That night, the nightmares returned.

It started harmless, nearly familiar. Nightmares of the events in the foundry the year before. Pictures of her dead mother walking towards her, twitching, stumbling, reaching for her with a hand that was not hers. Adriene jerked awake the moment the hand touched her, a scream lodged in her throat and cold sweat on her forehead, a feeling like a thousand ants on her skin where the nightmarish hand had grabbed her.

But over the course of the next few days, the dreams started to get more intense and more varied. It was nearly as if her mind tried to conjure up more and more things that scared her — the sunburst symbol on Cassia or Bethany’s forehead, Carver turned into a ghoul by the Taint, her friends and loved ones dead or turning away from her in endless variations. When she woke, she kept telling herself that it was just dreams, only dreams that would never come true, but with each successive night that had her tossing and turning until the first light of dawn, the words sounded more hollow.

Then, the darkness started to intrude upon her dreams.

* * *

“Hello?” Adriene called out, carefully reaching out into the blackness around her to try and find something to hold on to, something to touch. The air was warm and sickly sweet, the ground beneath her bare feet unstable, soft. Like moss. Or flesh.

_No._

It was moss.

Adriene refused to think of anything else, sucking in a shuddering breath as she took a careful step forward. She had no idea of where she was, but she had to be _somewhere_ , and that meant that there was a way out of here.

“Hello, is someone out there?” she called again in the vain hope that she wasn’t alone in this utter darkness that seemed to creep down her throat. Her voice barely reached her own ear before it got muffled by the thick blackness around her, and she quickly closed her mouth again, cold fear shivering over her skin.

She had never experienced darkness this absolute, and desperately, she reached for her eyes to ensure that she actually had them open. She did, but no matter where she turned, no matter where she reached, there was nothing but this blackness.

Her hands stretched out, she took another step and another.

“Please! Is someone there?” she called yet again. “Anyone? Hello? Please!!”

There was no answer, not even as she stopped and held her breath to catch every bit of sound.

Nothing. There was nothing out there. Adriene knew it with the certainty one only has in dreams, and true terror rose inside her. She was utterly alone in the darkness.

And she started running.

* * *

She woke completely drenched in sweat and with her hands cramped into the blanket that was tangled around her legs as if she had thrashed in her sleep. It took her a moment until her mind had caught up with what had happened, and she forced in a wheezing breath. _A dream. Just a dream._ Her whole body was trembling, aching as if she had run for the last few hours like she had in her nightmare. With an effort, Adriene struggled up, freeing herself from the blanket that felt as if it was trying to hold her down. Her breath came in harsh, labored pants as she stumbled to the window.

It was already open as had become her habit after the foundry. But not even the sounds from the street nor the faint light coming through the window helped to get rid of the memory of the all-encasing, throttling darkness of her dream. She needed more. She needed light, actual, true light.

With trembling hands, she lit a candle for the way downstairs, nearly falling as she raced through the house and out into the garden, greedily sucking in the cold fresh air. Her eyes fixed on the pinkness that rose in the eastern sky, she sank to the ground, the candle forgotten as she just let it fall and snuff out in the wet grass. It took her a moment, but slowly, all the sounds of the city around her — never quite silent even in the lonely hours before dawn — made it into her consciousness, and the last of the tension left her body. She wasn’t alone. There was no utter darkness. There was light, and sound, and people.

After what felt like an eternity, Adriene dragged herself up from the ice-cold ground and went back inside to get herself a blanket. Then, she wrapped herself into it and sat in one of the chairs on their tiny terrace to watch the sunrise. She couldn’t bear the thought of going back inside into rooms full of nothing but emptiness.

The dream returned the following night. Only this time, Adriene remembered that she had experienced darkness like this before, after all.

* * *

She tried to outrun it, screamed for help, but the dust in the air made it hard to breathe. And then, she found a wall. Stone, crude and harsh against her palm, slightly wet beneath her touch. Bumping her head, she instinctively cowered down, her breath heavy in the pitch-black darkness. A roof. No, not a roof.

Adriene blinked in the darkness as fear slivered over her. A cave.

Something trickled down her neck, and Adriene squeaked, slapping a hand against it. But it was no spider like she had thought at first, it was sand.

No, no sand, she noted as she rubbed it between her fingers. It wasn’t quite as coarse as sand, softer and somehow wetter.

Earth, she realized the next moment, and then she remembered. The cave-in. The cave-in she had been caught in back when she was still a child, that would have cost her her life had her father not found her in time.

A sharp pain jolted through her leg, making her whimper. Right, her leg had been crushed by a falling stone. Another pebble fell, scratching her cheek.

“No,” she gasped, but the air was still full of dust, and she coughed violently. Covering her mouth with one sleeve to keep the dust from her lungs and thrusting her hand out, she tried to go forth, but the wall was still directly ahead.

Turn around? She had to go deeper in.

More earth trickled down her neck, and she knew she didn’t have much time before the rest of the cave would come down on her. But her leg hurt so badly, and when she tried to move, she realized it was stuck beneath a rock. She couldn’t get away.

“Daddy!” she screamed, nearly choking on the dust settling on her tongue. “Daddy, help me!”

Something groaned above her, and Adriene started to cry, pressing her hands against the ceiling just above her in a vain attempt to keep it stable. She just had to wait until her father would come to get her out, she was sure of it.

Another pebble fell, and more earth, and suddenly something _gave_ , and with a loud rumble, a sharp rock smashed into her, throwing her sideways. Light motes danced in the darkness before her that illuminated nothing as her head crashed against the wall, a gush of warm blood running down her face.

Nobody would come, she realized dizzily. She was alone. Alone.

A deep groan went through the stone above her, and her scream was cut short as the ceiling started to crash down.

* * *

Adriene jerked awake still gasping for air. It took her far too long to realize that she was indeed awake, that the wall above her would not come down on her, ice-cold fear keeping her in its grip. Her leg prickled in memory of the old break and it took her even longer to try and move, for fear of the pain. There was no pain, of course. It didn’t stop her from crying until dawn.

That day, she built a crude bed outside in the garden, unable to bear the thought of having a wall close to her and anything but the open sky over her head. Wrapped in blankets, she fell asleep to the sight of one of the moons rising.

* * *

Adriene woke when the moon disappeared behind a roof. Or was it the knock that had woken her?

Confused, she stood up, wiping the sleep from her eyes, and walked inside.

“Who could that be, dear?” Leandra called from upstairs, sounding sleepy.

“I don’t know, Mom,” Adriene called back, drawing one of her knives as she walked towards the door. “I’ll go check, don’t worry.”

“Be careful.” There was a hint of fear in her mother’s voice that only served to make Adriene nervous. Normally, her mother wasn’t easily scared. Something wet and cold slivered down Adriene’s back at the thought of it. As if there was something she should remember.

“I will be,” she assured Leandra, smiling up to the gallery to calm her somewhat, but her mother was shrouded in shadows. The smile on Adriene’s face wavered, but before she could catch the thought shivering over her and put it in words, the knock came again. It was louder, a slight echo behind it, and all of a sudden, Adriene didn’t want to open that door. Not for all the money in the world.

Frozen on the spot, she stared at the door that seemed to be too close and too far away at the same time, her hand cramping around the knife. Her mouth was dry, even though everything else of her body seemed to be slick with sweat.

Another knock.

“Won’t you open it, dear?”

The voice of her mother was closer, and when Adriene looked back, she saw that Leandra had come halfway down the stairs already. Still, she couldn’t see her face, and for some reason, that troubled her just as much as the person knocking on the door.

“Sure, Mom,” she said automatically, wetting her dry lips as she turned back to the door. One step after another, she fought her way towards the door, the air heavy and warm around her, carrying a sickly sweet smell.

Another knock.

“I’m coming,” she wanted to call out, but all that came over her lips was a whisper.

As if from far away, she watched her own hand reaching for the key, turning it slowly, once, twice, and then opening the door.

* * *

The fear that surged through her was so sudden and intense that Adriene jerked awake before she could see anything but pure darkness behind the door. Just like every night for the last week, it took her a while until she realized where she was. That she was no longer dreaming. The open sky above her helped only marginally.

With trembling hands, she threw the blanket aside, ignorant of the few snowflakes that danced through the cold air. Her hair stuck to her sweaty skin as she sat up, shivering in the air. Forcing slow breaths in and out, she sat in the night until her heart no longer raced. It was dark, the moon covered by heavy, grey clouds that would probably soon start to snow in earnest, but from what she could glimpse through the clouds, it was still far from dawn.

On bare feet, Adriene went inside and knelt in front of the fire, coaxing the coals back to life until she had a proper flame going. Then she went to gather her blankets and sat down before the flames, staring into its familiar flicker and dance. She was exhausted to the bone, and her eyelids were heavy. The lack of proper sleep these last nights started to grate on her, and still, the memory of the dream clung to her. She didn’t want to sleep again. She didn’t want to dream again. She didn’t. She—

* * *

Another knock made her look up.

Her mother still stood on the stairs, her hand on the rails, her face veiled in shadows.

“Didn’t you want to get the door, dear?” she asked, worry in her voice.

Adriene nodded and obediently got up from the fire that sent a gush of heat over her. “Of course, Mom,” she said, turning back towards the door. She couldn’t remember why she had turned away from it, but she had to open it.

Heavy, reluctant steps brought her to the door, the faint sweet smell getting stronger with every step.

“I’m coming,” she wanted to call out — again — but all that came over her lips was a whisper. _Again._

As if from far away she watched her own hand reaching for the key, turning it slowly, once, twice. There was a faint, creaking sound as the door swung open, and Adriene stared with scared apprehension at the figure that slowly peeled itself out of the shadows.

“Who is it, dear?”

Her mother’s voice came directly from behind her, and Adriene spun around before she could see who was at the door.

Now, she knew what she was supposed to remember earlier, and she started to scream as the thing-that-had-been-her-mother reached for her.

* * *

She didn’t go to sleep the night afterward, keeping herself awake with everything she could think of. Still, the memory of the dream didn’t want to fade, making her jump at every sound that seemed to come from the stairs. And yet, she couldn’t quite shake the feeling that the true horror of the dream was not her mother but whoever was at the door.

“A bed in the garden?” Anders asked the following day, motioning outside. He had come by to bring news from one of their contacts in the underground. “But it’s barely spring.”

Amusement was in his voice, but Adriene didn’t even look up from the paper he had given her. “Yes,” she said absentmindedly, going over the words for the fourth time, hoping they would make sense by now. Eventually, she gave up, rubbing a hand over her eyes as she put the paper down.

“Sorry, Anders, I can’t make heads or tails of this, can you summarize for me?” she asked.

Anders gave her a worried look. “You look tired,” he noted instead of answering directly.

Adriene sighed. “I couldn’t sleep last night,” she murmured, nodding towards the garden. “I… sometimes I don’t deal well with enclosed spaces. And after the Deep Roads, I wanted the open sky above me.” At least, that was what she assumed had triggered the cave-in dream.

“Ah,” Anders said warmly. “Yes, I understand. Sometimes, I have a similar urge.”

She blinked up at him in surprise. “You do?”

He nodded, taking a few steps towards the door that led out onto the terrace and the garden. “In the Circle, working in the gardens was a privilege,” he told her. “We were not allowed to go outside. Or, most of us weren’t,” he corrected himself, looking back at Adriene. “There were very few privileged ones, of course, Senior Enchanters so loyal to the Circle they wouldn’t dream of going anywhere without a templar or at least were ensured to come back.”

She nodded. Her father had spoken about similar arrangements in the Kirkwall Circle.

“If you weren’t one of those privileged ones, the only possibility to get outside was the gardens. They were of course strictly guarded and surrounded by walls thrice as high as a person. And even then, they were only accessible for the cooks and the mages training in healing.” Anders looked back outside with a sad little smile. “It’s why I started to learn to heal, initially. To get out into the gardens for a sliver of open sky above me. Took me two years of good behavior to convince them to let me out.” A long pause followed. “I guess they thought that taking Karl away had finally made me docile.”

Adriene’s heart clenched at his words, and silently, she went over and put a comforting hand on his arm. He let out a breath and looked down on her. “It didn’t work,” he only said.

Adriene nodded and wrapped her arms around him. “I’m glad it didn’t,” she murmured, closing her eyes as he returned her embrace.

“Me too,” he said quietly.

For a long moment, Adriene was content just to be in Anders’ arms, listening to his heartbeat.

“Adriene?” Anders eventually asked.

“Hmm?” she hummed before she took a breath and reluctantly let go of him.

“If you continue to have trouble sleeping, let me know,” Anders said, giving her a thoughtful look. “I have a potion that helps you sleep.”

A sudden sliver of hope rose in Adriene. “You do?” she asked, and Anders nodded.

“Yes. It’s nothing you can take regularly, of course, but safe enough for once or twice every few weeks.”

Adriene’s face fell. So much for hope. For a second, she was tempted to ask him to stay the night again, like he had done that one time last autumn, but then decided against it. She couldn’t rely on someone staying with her all the time, after all.

“Thank you,” she said with a small smile. “I’ll let you know. But I’m sure it was just one of those nights. You know them.”

“I know them,” he nodded gravely. He gestured towards the paper he had given her. “I’ll leave it with you, it’s not time-sensitive. You can still read it after a good night’s sleep.” With a smile, he pressed her hand, then left her alone again.

* * *

“Anders?” Adriene asked for what felt like the hundredth time. She had waited until he had dealt with all his patients, but so far, he had just ignored her. After much deliberation, she had decided to take him up on his offer after all and get a potion from him. Or, alternatively, ask if she could sleep on one of the cots in his clinic. But from the looks of it, they were all occupied.

Anders looked up from the potion he was mixing, a deep frown on his face. A sweet scent was in the air, rising from the mixture in his mortar.

“What is it now?” he snapped, annoyance in his voice. “Can’t you see that I’m busy?”

A bit intimidated, Adriene swallowed. “I was hoping that you could—” She stopped talking when he let his hands sink so abruptly that it came close to slamming them on the table.

“Do what?” he asked sharply. “I said I’m busy!”

It was so out of character that Adriene didn’t know what to say for a second. Eventually, she drew her eyebrows together, starting again. “Sorry,” she said, “I was just—”

“Andraste’s knickers!” Anders interrupted her agitatedly, now clearly angry. “You were just what?” He stood abruptly, the potion forgotten on his table. As he came towards her, Adriene took an instinctive step back, her heart in her throat. “Coming to me for a potion? Healing? _Company?_ ” A sneer was on his face.

Adriene shook her head, dread closing around her heart. “What? No, I—”

He didn’t let her end the sentence. “It’s always about you, isn’t it? Never coming to just check on me, you only come to me when you want something for yourself.” He pointed a finger at her face, stabbing the air. “Let me tell you something, Hawke, I’m done. I’m done babysitting you.”

She didn’t know what to say, how to react, her heart hammering in her chest as she suddenly had to swallow down tears. Anders just scoffed when she didn’t answer him and turned back to his potion table.

Adriene didn’t move. So she had been right after all, that tiny fear in her heart that had so often nagged her, that had so often told her that she was asking too much. And now, it had finally happened, she had gone too far.

Right at that moment, someone knocked at the door of the clinic. The dread in her heart exploded to outright panic, slivering cold down her back and closing an icy fist around her throat as she turned towards it.

“Could you at least open the door? Or is even that too much to ask?” Anders said icily from behind her.

Adriene shook her head, her eyes locked to the door. “No. Of course not,” she whispered.

“Thank you.” His voice dripped with sarcasm.

Slowly, Adriene walked over to the door, trying to calm her breath that came in sharp, painful bursts. Her feet seemed too heavy, and the door too far away, the edges of the room darkening as she came closer. Her hand was trembling as she reached for the door, but she knew she had no choice. She could only open it. There was no going back.

The door swung open and darkness flooded her, the templars’ flaming sword burning before her.

A familiar voice said, “Hello, Adriene.”

She wanted to scream, but there was no air left in her lungs, two hands closing around her throat in an instant.

It was Tellon.

He hadn’t been a templar back when he had beaten her into submission, but somehow, it made sense that he was one now. Of course he was a templar. And yet, he was more than a templar. He was Linus, and Oswald, and every templar she had ever feared in one person. And as he smiled down on her, slowly choking the life out of her, she knew that now that she had opened the door, he wouldn’t go away again.

Ever.

* * *

In the end, she screamed herself awake after all. After countless minutes, she realized that she was no longer dreaming, that there was nobody with her, and that the darkness would not solidify around her. Curling in onto herself, she hugged the blanket close, shivers running over her even beneath the covers as she waited desperately for the morning to come.

Once the light crept over the horizon, she roused herself, washed the cold sweat from her body and tried to make up for the heaviness in her limbs with too much coffee and a hearty breakfast that tasted stale on her tongue. When she knew it wouldn’t be too early once she arrived, she left home and walked through Lowtown to Darktown and to Anders’ clinic. She didn’t trust herself not to panic in the tunnel, so she took the long road. There was something she needed to know. Something she needed to fix if it was broken. She couldn’t bear the thought of Anders thinking she was just using him. And even though she rationally knew that it had only been a nightmare, she couldn’t help the lingering doubt on her heart. _What if he really felt this way…?_

Just like in her dream, Anders was mixing potions when she came in.

Swallowing hard against the apprehension threatening to close her throat, she said, “Anders? Do you have a moment?”

He looked up at the sound of her voice, a smile coming on his face that eased something of the weight on her heart. “Adriene!” he exclaimed, delight in his voice. “Of course. What can I do for you?”

Quickly, Adriene shook her head. “Nothing,” she assured him. If anything, she wanted to avoid giving him the idea that she was only here because she wanted something from him.

When he raised his eyebrows questioningly, she suddenly felt unsure whether coming here had been the right idea. But now that she was here, she could just as well see this through. “Anders, I was just…” she started, only to interrupt herself, barely stopping herself from wringing her hands.

With a worried look, Anders stood up and crossed the small distance between them. “Adriene, are you alright?” he asked carefully.

She gave him her best smile. “Of course I am. Listen, I was just…” Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself together and started anew. “Anders, you know that I don’t only come to you if I want something from you, right? That you’re more to me than…” She gestured around the clinic. “… more than a healer. You know that I am… that I care about you, right?” She couldn’t quite keep the plea out of her eyes as she looked at him.

Anders pulled his eyebrows together, laying his hands on her arms. “Of course I know that,” he said slowly. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

Relief flooded her like a warm shower, and something of the tension in her shoulders eased. “Yes,” she breathed. “We’re friends.”

Following an instinct, she stepped closer and put her arms around him. He immediately hugged her back, holding her close. After a long moment, he asked without letting go of her, “Adriene, what is going on?” She could hear the worry in his voice.

“I’m just… having a bad week,” she murmured into his robe. “Not dealing well with Carver’s departure, I guess.”

“Bad dreams again?”

She nodded. “I might need one of your potions after all.”

Anders tightened his embrace for a second, then he let go of her. “Of course,” he said kindly. “But… have you considered talking to someone about the dreams?”

Adriene bit her lip and averted her eyes. How was she supposed to talk about what happened in her nightmares? It was not like someone could chase the darkness, the bad memories, or fears away that fed them. And telling Anders that she dreamt of him pushing her away felt too close for comfort, somehow. She didn’t want him to misunderstand it or feel hassled.

Anders obviously misunderstood her hesitation and added reassuringly, “It doesn’t have to be me. It can be anyone you trust.”

“I trust you,” she immediately said, looking back up at him as she quickly took his hand. “I do. I just… I don’t think it would help.” An uncomfortable, icy feeling curled in her stomach as she thought about the nightmares and she swallowed hard. “Because there is barely any… theme to it. It’s just horrors. One night this, one night that.” Anders’ fingers had closed tightly around hers, a comforting warm anchor. Her voice dropped to barely more than a whisper as she specified, “Utter darkness, the cave-in that nearly killed me as a child, the foundry, templars at the door… take your pick.”

Sympathy and worry were in Anders’ face as he pressed her hand.

She shrugged. “The only thing that’s basically in all of them is that I’m alone,” she confessed quietly.

Anders touched her cheek, waiting until she looked back up at him. “You also remember that I already offered to stay at night if that is the issue, yes?”

Adriene gave him a smile, the first smile in days that actually felt genuine. “I do. But I still cannot expect you to put your life on hold to babysit me.”

He gave her an exasperated look, and started, “Adriene…”

She shook her head, quickly interrupting him. “No, Anders, I mean it. And it passed before, it’ll pass again.” She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “And you already said that the potion would help me sleep.”

Anders sighed again, then nodded. “Alright.” He went over to the potion’s cabinet and unlocked it, taking a vial out. “Here. It should give you a night of uninterrupted, dreamless sleep, but it might make you drowsy the following day.”

Adriene gave him a grateful smile and took the vial. “Thank you. I’ll keep it in mind.” Again, she hugged him. “Really, Anders. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” he murmured. “And please, don’t hesitate to come to me if it gets bad again.”

“Thank you,” Adriene repeated, smiling. “I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who don't remember who Tellon was - Adriene talks about him in [Chapter 39](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19359295/chapters/55206784) of **The Hands of Fate Are Your Own**.


	23. The Burden Of Our Dreams

Just like Anders had promised, the potion gave Adriene a dreamless night, and for a few nights afterward, the nightmares eased to vague, disturbing feelings that left her tired but not completely drained. But just when she thought herself to be safe, they came back with a vengeance. And what had started as an inconvenience soon became a liability. One sleepless night turned into two, the frequency of Adriene's nightmares increasing the more exhausted she was when she fell asleep. Within two weeks, it turned into a vicious cycle — the permanent interruptions of her sleep making her more emotional and exhausted which in turn made her more susceptible to the nightmares.

Nightmares per se were nothing new to Adriene; she had always had a tendency to torment herself in her dreams. The murders of her youth, Darrek specifically, had been a constant occurrence for months. The Blight and the darkspawn in combination with what Tellon had done to her had lasted even longer. But even though they had been bad, none of them had had quite the effect the nightmares had now. For some reason, she couldn’t get used to them. She screamed herself awake nearly every night when she opened that blighted door in her dreams. The neighbors had quickly complained about the strange noises coming from her garden at night, and so she had stopped sleeping there. But after a month, she couldn’t even stand to be in a dark room without her hands starting to tremble.

And yet, she also knew the dreams would simmer down eventually, and go back to be a rare occurrence instead of a constant companion of her nights. She only had to last a bit longer. Just a bit longer.

When she nodded off in a corner of the Hanged Man one day, only to be woken by Corff when he closed the tavern in the early morning hours, she got an inkling of what might help her. The nightmares had been there as well, but they hadn’t been bad enough to wake her. It seemed like the constant noise around her, the knowledge that there were people there was enough to keep them so far at bay that she still got some rest between the dreams.

Over the course of the next few weeks, she started to experiment on how to get the most out of her sleep. Training so hard and long that she just collapsed on the couch in the living room, drinking herself into oblivion, sleeping only during the day, taking potions to knock herself out. Some things helped better than others, but there were only two things that nearly guaranteed her to get some semblance of rest: light and company.

Unfortunately, Adriene had no assurance of either.

She worked hard to maintain the standing in the nobility she had gained with her tireless efforts after her mother’s death, talking regularly to the Viscount and accompanying Cassia to her talks with the Arishok. All of it required being alert and present during the days, so she could rarely waste any daytime on sleep. Additionally, it prevented her from seeking casual dalliances or regular visits to the Blooming Rose which would assure a companion for the night. And she wasn’t so desperate yet that she would give in to one of the proposals that had started to be directed her way. At least it kept her occupied in a way that reduced going on jobs with her friends to a bare minimum, so nobody was too worried about her. The few times they had been out together, she had kept herself alert with coffee and potions and had been able to put up her usual cheerful front.

But as Drakonis turned to Cloudreach, and Summerday came closer, she wasn’t quite as sure anymore just how much more she could take in spite of the routine she had developed in the last two months since the nightmares had started to become unbearable.

Most days, she had taken to sleeping as late as possible so it would already be day when she inevitably screamed herself awake from another nightmare. As long as there was light coming from the windows, it was easier to chase away the horrors from her dreams. But when it was still dark, she had problems distinguishing between reality and dream, lying awake for hours, sometimes too paralyzed by fear to even move to light a candle.

If it was at all possible, she tried to spend the night in the vicinity of someone. _Anyone_. Sometimes, she found a cot in Anders’ clinic, getting out in the morning before he noticed she was there. Other days, she dozed off while the Hanged Man was still full of people. A few times, she had even fallen asleep in the Chantry when she knew there was someone praying or taking confession. Once, it had gotten so bad that she even went to the Blooming Rose. She tried to keep it as secret as possible, mindful of her neighbors’ gossip. But by then, she hadn’t slept in nearly four days and the shadows in her room had started to move on their own, and she knew she was in trouble. Madam Luisine had taken one look at her and sent for Adriano, not even bothering to listen to Adriene’s explanation that she only wanted her paid companion to hold her while she slept. When Adriene woke twelve hours later, she had refused to talk about it.

It was not like talking would change anything. As Cassia had once so aptly put it: she couldn’t fight nightmares. Neither could she talk them away.

It was after midnight in mid-Cloudreach already when Adriene made her way home from the Hanged Man. Merrill and Varric had been there, and while she had enjoyed their evening together, she hadn’t been able to sneak off to nap in a corner. The darkness was near-absolute as she stumbled exhausted through the streets, definitely too dark for her taste. She would have to light a lamp to sit next to her bed in an effort to get her through the night.

It took her longer than normal to open the door, but since she hadn’t found much rest these last days, that wasn’t surprising. It always made her more clumsy. But tomorrow — or today, depending on the point-of-view — she luckily didn’t have any appointments lined up, so maybe she could just nap through the day, making most of the light. And then sneak into Anders’ clinic after dark to sleep there, so she could be her usual perky self the day after.

She was so tired that her eyes were already half-closed as she stumbled up the stairs, cursing quietly as she bumped against a vase standing in a corner, nearly toppling it. Shit. She really didn’t want to demolish the house.

“Adriene?”

It took her a horribly long second to react, then a spike of adrenaline rushed through her, and she swirled around, reaching for her knives. Too late she remembered that she had left her weapons belt and her coat downstairs in the wardrobe. Her mind took another too-long second to catch up with what she saw. That was no intruder, that was…

“Fenris?” She blinked in confusion, her eyes widening when she saw that he was out of his armor. “What… what are you doing here?”

He tilted his head, the surprise on his face turning to a frown. “I was just about to ask you the same thing,” he said.

She shook her head, still failing to grasp why Fenris of all people would be in her home. Why anyone would be in her home. “Why, I was on my way to bed,” she stammered somewhat sheepishly, gesturing towards her room. “What about you?”

Fenris raised both his eyebrows. “Adriene, you’re in my house.”

For a long moment, she just stared at him. “What?” she finally managed, blinking a few times.

“Are you alright?” he asked carefully, and Adriene rubbed a hand over her forehead, taking a look around.

Blight, he was right. Without realizing it, she had straight up stumbled into the wrong house. Where, when had she taken a wrong turn? She could barely remember the way into Hightown. Belatedly, she nodded. “Yes, I… I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized. Looks like I’m more tired than I thought.”

The thought of having to go out into the dark streets again to walk across Hightown to her own house sent another bout of exhaustion through her. But there was nothing to it. She turned back to the stairs with another mumbled “Sorry”, fumbling for the rails so she wouldn’t fall. Fenris took a step towards her, reaching for her arm and steadying her when she stumbled against the vase again. Adriene was too surprised to shake him off, sagging against him for a short, weak moment, her eyes fluttering close.

“Are you drunk?” he asked warily.

Adriene blinked disoriented at the sound of his voice. “What…” she muttered, then shook her head before she picked herself up again as her brain sluggishly processed his question. “I wish. No, I’m really just… I’m just tired. I’ll be out of your hair in just a minute. Sorry to wake you.”

She wanted to leave, but instead of letting go of her, Fenris’ other hand came around her to hold her. “You look like you’re falling asleep while standing up,” he said, and she could hear the concern in his voice. “If you want to, you can stay here.”

“I wouldn’t want to be a bother,” she murmured, but when he nudged her towards the guest room, she was only too glad to follow. Not having to go outside again was reason enough to just go along with his suggestion. “It’ll just be for a few hours, promise,” she added somewhat belated.

“Never mind that. When was the last time you had some proper rest?” Fenris asked, his voice soft.

Adriene shrugged as she sat down on the bed with a sigh. “I don’t know. A few days ago, I think.”

Fenris looked at her with growing concern. Cassia had come to him with her worries about her sister not getting enough sleep, but he knew Adriene had avoided any direct questions. But seeing her now, with red-rimmed eyes and circles beneath them that were so dark that they nearly looked like bruises, her voice slurred, he realized that not even Cassia knew just how little sleep Adriene got. They had all noticed her getting more thin-skinned and snappy and looking more exhausted in general, but they had put it on the strain of the work with the nobles that they all knew she hated. But the last two or three weeks, she had avoided most of them, putting off jobs she normally would have jumped at.

“Adriene,” he said softly. But when she had difficulty focusing on him as she looked up with a hummed “Hm?”, he threw every question aside. All of this could wait.

“Sleep,” he murmured, carefully nudging her to lay down. Adriene just nodded, her eyes already closed as she curled into herself and fell asleep within seconds. Tenderly, he pulled her boots off, then he covered her with a blanket, blew out the candle and went to bed himself.

Her screams woke him not two hours later.

He was in her room in an instant, ready to fight off whatever intruder was there, only to find her alone. But that didn’t ease his tension in the least as he looked at her. She was still sleeping, thrashing in the bed, her breath coming in short bursts, her hair plastered onto her forehead that was dotted with cold sweat.

He was at her bed the next second, lighting the candle as he called her name. She didn’t even react to him. Her screams had subsided to fearful whimpers, and his heart clenched at the sight of her.

“Adriene! Adriene, wake up,” he said again, taking her by the shoulders. It took him a few minutes until he had shaken her out of it, and as she finally jerked awake, she nearly crashed her head against his as she abruptly sat up, shying away from his hands with a choked cry. He immediately let go of her, giving her space. Her whole body was tense and ready to attack, her eyes panicked, darting from shadow to shadow.

“It was just a dream,” he assured her calmly, “you’re safe.”

Finally, her eyes focused on him. It still took her a moment to recognize him, and her voice was hoarse as she whispered his name. “Fenris…” She seemed slightly more alert than earlier, but not by much.

“I’m here,” he said quietly, carefully reaching for her to offer his hand.

Her fingers were trembling as she took it, her breath leaving her in a rush as she touched him. “You’re real,” she whispered, her eyes suddenly very bright as she blinked tears away.

“I’m really here,” he nodded, his voice soft.

The next moment, she was in his arms, holding onto him as if for sheer life. Fenris immediately closed his arms around her, soothingly stroking her hair while her breath slowly calmed down. Right now, he didn’t care about all the things that stood between them, all he cared about was helping her. If there was one thing he knew only too well himself, after all, it was waking from a nightmare. Even if such bad ones as she obviously had had become rare by now. His voice was soft and soothing as he continued to talk to her until she no longer shook like a leaf in his arms.

Eventually, Adriene took a deep breath, whispering “Thank you” as she reluctantly drew back. Fenris felt a sliver of disappointment go through him as she let go of him, the air cold against the warmth she had left on his skin.

Wiping a hand over her face, Adriene murmured, “That’s the second time I woke you. I am sorry.” She let out a heavy sigh. “I’ll just leave, so you get at least some rest tonight.” She started to move towards the edge of the bed, but Fenris held her back. Her eyes were still dull from exhaustion as she looked at him.

“Adriene… is that why you don’t sleep?” he asked, worry in his voice. “Nightmares?”

After a long, tired pause, she nodded. “Yes. Although it came early tonight. It’s worse after I avoid them for a few days.” A little frown wrinkled her brow as she stared into the darkness behind him and muttered, “Was it a few days? I think it was. Time blurs together these days.”

“What helps you?”

The simple question made her look back at him, a shimmer in her eyes. The fact that she didn’t even try to brush his question aside told him how exhausted she still was. “Daylight. And company,” Adriene murmured.

His decision was made within a second, and he nodded.

“I cannot create daylight, but I can keep you company,” he said, and she froze again, staring at him.

When she spoke, her voice was hesitant as if she couldn’t quite believe his words. “Are you serious? Despite… everything?”

 _Everything._ All that pain and longing, all their fights and unspoken words, all the tangled emotions compressed into that one little word. But _everything_ didn’t matter. Not right now.

“Never mind that,” Fenris said. “You need my help. Everything else is inconsequential right now.”

Tears filled her eyes at his words, and she quickly wiped at them. “I promise, I’ll be out of your hair the second I wake,” she assured him, despite him waving her words away.

He watched her get rid of what she was still wearing of her armor and stood watch while she disappeared into the bath for a few minutes to wash the sweat off her face. When they settled back into the bed, her fingers intertwined with his, and her head rested against his shoulder. They didn’t talk, and Adriene’s body fell heavy and relaxed against him nearly instantly as he pulled the blanket over them both. She was asleep again before the blanket had settled.

When Adriene slowly woke, the first rays of morning light shone through the window, dust motes dancing in the pink light of the rising sun. The few dark pictures she remembered from her dream quickly faded into nothingness. She was still snuggled in Fenris’ embrace, feeling his breath in her hair, and for a moment, she let herself enjoy the warm feeling of safety and peace she felt in his arms. It didn’t take long, though, and she could no longer ignore a certain urge.

Silently, she freed herself from the blanket that was wrapped around her legs and stole out of the bed and into the bathroom to relieve herself and to drink a big glass of water to get rid of the parched feeling in her mouth. As she looked into the mirror, she wasn’t surprised to find her hair completely disheveled and her face still somewhat crumpled after the first proper night of sleep in months. She hadn’t even taken out the leather band that held her ponytail, and the dark locks were more resembling a rat’s nest than her hair. With a sigh, she pulled the leather band from her hair to try and disentangle them with her fingers before she braided them into a tight plait. Then, she gave herself a quick wash and brushed her teeth with one of the spare toothbrushes she knew Fenris kept for guests. 

As Adriene looked back into the mirror afterward, she felt like a new person, more energized and calm than in weeks. The circles under her eyes were decidedly smaller, and some color had come back to her cheeks. For a moment, she deliberated whether she should just steal out of the house, but in the end, she decided against it. As calm as she felt, maybe she could find a few more minutes of blessed sleep in Fenris’ arms. The thought that he had kept her company, had held her in his arms in the night woke such a fierce longing inside her that every notion of leaving was immediately forgotten. She might not be able to hope for more than this, but she would not waste the few moments of being able to be close to him.

Fenris was still deeply asleep when she snuck back into bed with him. He pulled her back into his arms with a few murmured, unintelligible words, and Adriene closed her eyes with a smile and a warm, desperately hopeful tenderness in her heart. She fell asleep again to the feeling of his chest slowly rising and falling against her. 

She woke again a few hours later when Fenris carefully peeled himself out of her arms. For the first time in weeks and the second time today, it was a slow, calm waking instead of jerking awake with a feeling of horror and dread, and a content sigh was on her lips as she stretched. She could feel his fingers touching her cheek for a moment and smiled without opening her eyes.

“I’m going to make some coffee,” Fenris murmured, and she made an affirmative sound, slowly blinking into the light. While he was gone, Adriene sat up with a yawn, stretching some more before she smoothed her hands over her hair and pulled her tunic back up over her shoulders to bring back some semblance of propriety. 

He was back a few minutes later, handing her a cup with the dark, hot brew, the steam curling upwards. She murmured her thanks as she sat up straighter, breathing in the smell with relish before she took a little sip. It was perfect, hot, sweet, and with a dash of milk, just like she preferred it.

“What time is it?” she asked with a look towards the window.

“It’s still early, barely halfway through the morning,” Fenris answered, sitting down on the bed with his own cup in his hands. “How are you feeling?”

Adriene took a deep breath and gave him a smile. “So much better. Better than I would have thought for just a few hours of sleep.”

There was a curious expression on his face and his mouth curled up slightly. “A few hours?” He tilted his head in amusement. “Adriene, you’ve been asleep for more than a day.”

For a few seconds, she could only stare at him, her hands with the cup sinking down again. “Seriously?” she finally managed. That couldn’t be true, could it? But then again, she had been completely out of it — and when she had woken for the first time, she had felt completely crumpled. It also explained the pressing need for the bathroom and the feeling of being completely parched. And the nagging hunger that started to make itself known.

Fenris nodded. “Don’t worry, I’ve let Cassia know where you are. But I didn’t want to wake you. You obviously needed the rest.”

Her eyes were wide. “I… I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I know I said I’d be no bother and…”

“Adriene, you were sleeping. You were no bother,” Fenris interrupted her and shook his head with a little chuckle.

She relaxed a bit, letting out a breath, and gave him a small smile. “Thank you,” she said quietly and took another sip of her coffee. Just a moment later, a thought came to her, and her eyes widened as she looked up at him. “Wait, so that means you… you came back to bed to me for a second night?”

It took him a moment to answer, his eyes burning as he seemed to search for words. “You were calmer when I was with you,” he eventually just said.

A warm feeling blossomed in Adriene’s chest at the way he looked at her. She could feel her heart beating a bit more quickly as she nodded slightly. “I am,” she confirmed in a soft voice. “Always have been.”

For a moment, silence fell between them that seemed loaded with unspoken things, with emotions and implications that were too complex for words. Adriene put her empty coffee cup away, her fingers playing with her braid as she drew her legs beneath her. Her heart clenched as she saw the conflict in his face as he watched her. She knew she should leave... and at the same time, she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to keep this loaded distance between them that was interrupted by moments of such closeness and tenderness. She wasn’t sure just how many more she might be able to bear. And maybe this was her chance to bring at least some clarity to it all. To make some peace between them.

“Fenris, about what I said last Harvestmere…” She trailed off with a shake of her head, muttering, “Maker, it’s been half a year already.” Taking a deep breath, she continued, “About what I said. About my feelings… for you.”

Fenris nodded, his eyes somewhat guarded.

“I just want you to know that I don’t expect anything from you, even though I still… even though my feelings haven’t changed,” Adriene said in a firm voice. “You have made your feelings clear, and I—”

“No, I haven’t.”

Stunned, she stared at him.

Taking a deep breath, Fenris said, “After I left, after I refused to talk to you — I felt like a fool. I thought it better if you hated me.” Pain was in his eyes as he added quietly, “I deserved no less. But it isn't better."

Heaviness lay on her heart as she looked at him. “I never hated you,” she said softly. “Never.”

His voice was hesitant as he asked, “Not even after…?”

Adriene tilted her head, unsure what he meant. “After what?”

For a moment, Fenris didn’t answer, looking towards the window. When he turned back to her, there was a rare vulnerability in his face. “Remember the morning after you returned from the Vimmark Mountains and we slept at Cassia’s place?” he said quietly. Adriene nodded, and he continued, “When Maia came to us, I couldn’t help but think…”

Her eyes widened in understanding even as he trailed off. “That this could have been our child,” she finished his sentence.

Fenris only nodded, looking away.

Adriene swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. Back after their night together and after their disastrous talk, she had been too raw to be completely open, unable to face another conversation with him. And so she had only told him that there would be no child after all. Maybe it was time to tell him that she had risked it.

“Fenris, I was never pregnant,” she said very quietly.

His head snapped back to her, his eyes widening.

Adriene nodded to his unspoken question. “I never took the potion. I couldn’t. But in the end, it turned out I was just… late.”

For a moment, Fenris just stared at her. Eventually, he managed, “You would have had _my…_ ”

“Of course I would have!” she interrupted him, her eyes burning. “It was never about it being _your_ child. Did you really think that _that_ was my issue?” Something changed in the way he looked at her, and suddenly, Adriene felt tears stinging in her eyes. She closed her eyes and shook her head. “It wasn’t. It was about what’s going on in this city, about a child being born into a mage family in Kirkwall, about the Qunari, and about me being the protector of Cassia. And yes, sure, it didn’t help that you dismissed any talk about raising a child together from the start. But it was never about you being the father.”

Fenris closed his eyes with a guilty expression. “I am sorry, Adriene. I thought…” He trailed off, shaking his head.

Adriene wiped a hand over her eyes, and added softly, “It’s alright. I knew that you regretted what happened between us.”

“Adriene…” he started, but she cut him short with a shake of her head.

“It’s fine, Fenris. Believe me.”

A sudden jolt went through her as Fenris reached for her hand, and she looked back up at him, heat burning in her cheeks.

“I don’t regret having been with you,” he said, an intensity in his voice that made her sure he spoke the truth. “I never regretted that.”

Her heart clenched with longing and sadness, and she stilled as Fenris reached towards her, wiping a strand of hair out of her face. His fingers trailed over her cheek, and a shiver ran down her spine. It only lasted a moment, then he let go again, leaving a trail of warmth on her skin and a tingle in her stomach. In the heat of his gaze, she felt very vulnerable. And yet, with the way he had cared for her, with the memory of how instinctively he had pulled her into his embrace in his sleep, she couldn’t quite quench the uncertain hope inside her.

She hesitated slightly before she took heart and asked quietly, “Fenris, what’s going on between us?”

“I don’t know.” A torn look came onto Fenris’ face. “I wish I did.” For a long, tense second, he just looked at her before he started to speak again. “I can’t be… Adriene, I…” Helplessly, he trailed off. Eventually, he stood up, taking a few steps away from her before he turned back. “I wish things were different, believe me, I do.”

Adriene couldn’t help the sharp pang of regret and incredible sadness going through her. Still, she forced a smile on her face as she murmured, “I understand.”

Fenris looked at her with burning eyes. “Danarius is still out there,” he said from between clenched teeth, opening and closing his fist. “As long as he is at my back, there is no certainty in my life.” He made a vague gesture with his hand. “I have been waiting for him to come to me for nearly five years now, and still he evades me. Even though I killed Hadriana, even though I have been making a mockery out of him by living here, he still does not come.”

Adriene watched him unhappily but didn’t interrupt him.

He looked at her with a rare display of emotions on his face; regret, sadness, restlessness. “I’ve been thinking more and more often about whether leaving Kirkwall wouldn’t be the best idea,” he said very quietly.

Adriene’s eyes widened, and suddenly, she had difficulty swallowing around the dark lump in her throat. “No!” she called out before she could stop herself. No, this couldn’t be, he couldn’t seriously think about leaving? “You can’t be serious!”

He only looked at her unhappily. “It might draw him out.”

“And then what?” Adriene exclaimed tensely. “You want to face him alone? After everything, you want to face him alone?” She shook her head. “Please don’t, Fenris. Please.”

Fenris took a deep breath, and after a moment, a tiny smile flickered over his face as he looked at her. “Don’t worry. I’m not gone yet. It’s no more than an idle thought so far.”

“But…” she said in a small voice, closing her eyes against the burning sting in them. Then she shook her head. “Well,” she murmured. “I would miss you.” Blinking a few times against the treacherous wetness in the corner of her eyes, she forced a smile on her face. “Maker, would I miss you. But I wouldn’t blame you.”

For a moment, Fenris was silent, then he asked carefully, “Really? Would you not feel like I… abandoned you?”

Adriene let out a breath, something in her softening as she looked at him, shaking her head. “Yes and no, if that makes sense. It’s your life, you are a free man. If you feel like it’s time to move on, you can choose to do this whenever you want.” She shrugged unhappily. _It would break my heart,_ she desperately wanted to tell him, _it would break me._ But she didn’t dare. Still, there was a slight crack in her voice as she added, “As I said, I would miss you like crazy, as would the others, I’m sure. But… Honestly, if I could, I’d leave as well.”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You would?” he asked, coming back to sit at the bed.

Adriene nodded. “Oh yes. I hate this city. If it weren’t for…” She interrupted herself to turn to him with a sharp look as a thought came to her. “You cannot tell Cassia any of this, Fenris, promise me!”

After just a moment of hesitation, Fenris nodded. “I promise.”

Relieved, she sighed. “Thank you. It would serve nothing. She would blame herself for something she cannot change and that she didn’t cause, so it would only make her unhappy.” She looked at her hands as she continued, “But yes, if it weren’t for her and all of you, I would gladly leave Kirkwall.” Her fingers clenched into fists as she brought forth, “I hate this city. I hate the grey everywhere, and the nobles and their schemes. I hate the huge Chantry and that there are templars everywhere I turn. I hate that too-large house that is so much my mother and nothing like me. And I hate…” Abruptly, she interrupted herself, biting the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood, the sharp pain distracting her enough to not let any tears well up.

It was for naught when she suddenly felt Fenris’ hand on her shoulder, a warm, insistent press of his fingers. “You hate what?” he asked very softly.

Oh, how she wanted to tell him. And how she wanted to keep it from him at the same time. It wouldn’t be fair to tell him, not after she had stupidly bared her heart at him. If there was one thing she didn’t want, then it was to make him feel like she tried to pressure him into comforting her.

But Fenris didn’t let go, just waited patiently with that look of his. “Hate what?” he nudged her again when she didn’t answer.

“Being alone,” she whispered.

He looked struck for a second, but then he drew his eyebrows together. “But you’re not alone, Adriene,” he said carefully.

“I am at night,” she answered softly, wiping a hand over her shimmering eyes. “Not in general, of course. I’m not ungrateful, I know I can count on you and everyone else to come to my help if I need it. And I have Cassia, that is not what I meant. But once the day is over, and the last cup at the Hanged Man or in Cassia’s living room is emptied, I go back to that huge house full of ghosts and shadows and nothing else… and I am alone.” She shrugged unhappily. “And I hate that. I’ve always had someone in the same room with me, from childhood on, and now, there is nobody even in the blighted house.”

Fenris nodded. “I see,” he murmured.

Again, Adriene wiped a hand over her eyes as she shook her head. “No use crying about it,” she mumbled. “It is what it is. Maybe once Meredith is dealt with and I know Cassia to be safe with Cullen, I can find something new.” Then she huffed a little laugh and looked at Fenris. “At least if Danarius is dealt with by then, too. And Bela has her ship. And Merrill her mirror restored. And the Circle is safe.”

Fenris scoffed. “If you wait for all of that, you’ll never leave Kirkwall.”

A tiny, sad smile was in the corner of Adriene’s mouth as she nodded. “I know. Still. I could deal even less with leaving you behind than with being here.”

Fenris looked at her thoughtfully for a long moment before he asked, “If you left Kirkwall, where would you go?”

Adriene splayed her hands over the blanket. “I don’t know. Amaranthine, maybe. I can’t become a Warden, I’m not dealing well with the Deep Roads — enclosed spaces and all — but maybe there is a guard I could join. It’s close to Carver and Bethany at least. And guardswomen share barracks.” Probably not the most comfortable ones, but at least there would be company. “What about you? Where would you go?”

Fenris shrugged. “I don’t know. There is nowhere to go to. But I cannot live in suspense forever.”

“I understand,” Adriene said quietly. “Maybe… maybe there is still something left to do about Danarius. Some way to go on the offensive without having to go to Tevinter.”

“Maybe,” Fenris nodded, but he didn’t sound convinced. Then he took a deep breath and shook his head, sounding much more resolute. “But this is all idle talk. I’m not packing my bags just yet.”

“Good.” There was honest relief in her voice. Another silence fell in which they only looked at each other, tension and quiet sadness between them. Eventually, Adriene let out a breath. “In any case, I owe you for a solid… no, for two solid nights of sleep. Next round in the Hanged Man is definitely on me.”

Fenris inclined his head, and some of the tension between them evaporated. “Adriene, about the nightmares…” he started, but she waved away whatever he wanted to say.

“It’s fine, Fenris,” she assured him. “I am back to full strength now, really. I feel so much better already, and I know the nightmares are getting less.”

His eyes narrowed, and she knew that he looked right through her, not believing a single word she had just said. For a moment, he seemed to think about whether he should say anything. But in the end, he only settled for, “Promise me you’ll be back if the nightmares come back.” When she didn’t answer immediately, he added with a growl to his voice, “I’ll tell Cassia.”

“Fine!” Adriene snapped, a hint of exasperation to her voice. “Fine. I’ll come back before it gets this bad again. Promise.”

But in her heart, she knew she wouldn’t. She’d rather drink herself to sleep every night than deal with the tension and allure of Fenris’ presence. Not when she knew that it could never be more than this. She couldn’t do this to either of them.


	24. What We Owe To Each Other

Despite Adriene’s promise to come back if her nightmares got bad again, Fenris was tempted to go talk to Cassia that very day. But when he went to see her, Cassia wasn’t home. Eventually, he decided to do something he hadn’t done in months — keep Adriene company to make sure she was indeed as alright as she claimed she was. She seemed both surprised and delighted by it, and for a few idle hours, they just spent time with each other, training and talking.

To his relief, Adriene seemed indeed her usual joyful self, joking and laughing as she talked to him about the last dinner she had given for a few of the higher nobility. Despite being on the lookout for it, it took him the whole afternoon to notice how much more quickly the energy seemed to sap out of her than he was used to, and how strained her smile got as the evening approached.

“I can stay,” he offered after dinner when he saw her looking at the door with something like apprehension for the fourth time, her hands fidgeting with the hem of her tunic. He remembered only too well from the previous nights how she had fearfully muttered something about a door several times in her sleep.

Adriene’s eyes snapped back to him, softening as she saw the worry in his gaze. For a moment, she seemed to hesitate, but then she shook her head, smoothing her hands over her crumpled tunic. “No,” she said gently. “Thank you, but no.”

“Why not?” Fenris found himself asking before he thought better of it.

She looked at him for a long moment, an unspoken emotion burning in her eyes that tugged at his heart. “Because you still muddle me up,” she eventually said very quietly.

He had no answer. Unhappily, he looked at her, torn between his need to be there for her, to be _with_ her, and his reluctance to draw her even deeper into the violent encounter that inevitably waited for him in the future. If he failed, Danarius would kill her if he knew just how much she meant to him. Or worse, enslave her as well. And that was a thought even worse to bear than the deep sadness he could see in her eyes as she met his gaze.

Before the silence could stretch too long, Adriene took a deep breath and added, “And because I need to get through this alone.”

He furrowed his brow and shook his head. “No, you don’t.”

“But I do,” Adriene answered back. “Because I cannot expect you to put your life on hold just because I have a few nightmares.”

Fenris leaned back in his chair, his eyebrows still drawn together. “But you’re not expecting me to, I am offering.”

“And when does it end?” she just asked with a helpless shrug. “Anders offered as well, you know. But when does it end? I cannot expect anyone to continuously be with me. Even if the nightmares are better when someone is with me, they will come back when you’re gone again. Which you will be.” The words held no accusation, but Fenris still couldn’t help but look away guilty, his heart heavy. “And once I’m alone again, I start from the beginning, over and over again.” Adriene shook her head. “No. I need to learn to live with this on my own.” There was a short pause, then she added a bit more quietly, “I need to learn to _live_ on my own.”

Fenris looked back at her, unhappiness in his eyes, but Adriene wasn’t looking at him but at Leandra’s portrait hanging over the mantelpiece. For a moment, neither of them said anything. When Adriene finally turned back to him, she gave him a soft smile. “Please, Fenris, don’t worry about me. I have managed so far, and I will continue to do so.”

He let out a sigh, shaking his head. “I don’t like this,” he growled.

Adriene’s smile widened somewhat. “And I appreciate your concern for me, I do.” She reached over the table and put her hand over his for a moment, sending a bout of longing through him that he quickly quenched again. “Thank you, Fenris.”

Fenris reluctantly left her alone not long after. That night, it was him who barely found any rest. Over and over, the pictures of how terrified she had been, caught in her nightmare, played in his head. The way she had thrashed and screamed, how long it had taken her to wake up, and how desperately she had clung to him when she had realized that he was there. The thought that this night, she might suffer through something like it again but without anyone coming to shake her out of the dream, haunted him.

He was up at dawn, a grim decisiveness in him. No matter what Adriene had said, he wanted to do something to help her. He wasn’t quite sure what that was, but there had to be something. And there was one other person she had mentioned who apparently also knew what was going on.

“Anders!”

The clinic was still empty when Fenris threw the door open and resolutely went in, calling for the healer. It didn’t take long until Anders hurried in from the back where he had his tiny room. He was barefoot, only wearing trousers, still pulling a tunic over his head as he came in and looking slightly disheveled with his hair falling down onto his shoulders. He had obviously still been asleep. Fenris blinked in surprise as he took in the unusual picture the mage made. Without his staff and robes, Anders looked… normal.

“Fenris?” Anders asked, knitting his brow in confusion after a quick look assured him that Fenris wasn’t injured.

Fenris pushed his surprise aside, coming directly to the point. “We need to talk about Adriene,” he said without preamble, stopping Anders in his tracks.

For a second, Anders didn’t answer, wariness on his face as he looked at Fenris and leaned against a table. “We do?”

He obviously didn’t quite know what to expect. Fenris couldn’t quite blame him. If Anders had thrown such a sentence at him, he’d be wary, too. Despite the reluctant friendship that had developed over the last year between them, their respective feelings for Adriene made some topics difficult.

He nodded. “We do.” He hesitated for a moment, unsure how to begin, and Anders crossed his arms in front of his chest, raising his eyebrows as he waited.

Eventually, Anders prompted, “Well, I don’t suppose she is injured or you’d have brought her here, so…?” He trailed off, looking questioningly at Fenris.

Fenris shook his head, drawing his eyebrows together. “No, she’s not.” He took a deep breath and said, “She, uhm, was with me for two nights.”

Anders’ face fell somewhat at his words, but he quickly had himself under control again. With a deep sigh, he shook his head, a resigned look on his face as he let his arms sink. “You know that I cannot give _you_ a potion if you weren’t careful, yes? She’d have to come to me for that herself.”

“What? No! We didn’t… No!” Fenris snapped, uncomfortableness rising in him that he quickly covered with brusqueness. “Do you really believe I’d come to you for something like that?” He raked a hand through his hair, glowering at Anders. “We’re not… _with_ each other. That is not what this is about.”

“Then what _is_ this about?” Anders frowned.

Fenris came a few steps closer, leaning against a table as well. “She stumbled into my house believing it was hers because she was so out of it.”

The resignation on Anders’ face changed to worry at his words. “Was she drunk?” he asked.

Fenris huffed out a sigh and shook his head. “That’s what I thought at first, too, but no. She was so exhausted that she could barely look straight. Even when I came to check who was rummaging around in the middle of the night did she think she was at her place. I had to point out to her that it wasn’t before she noticed.”

Anders’ frown deepened. “Are you sure that she wasn’t drunk? You don’t get that exhausted from a hard day.”

Fenris nodded. “Yes, I’m sure. But it wasn’t from just one hard day. She hadn’t slept properly in days.”

Right at that moment, a familiar voice came from behind Anders. “Who hasn’t slept in days?”

Fenris’ eyebrows went up as he saw Isabela coming from Anders’ room, wearing only her tunic that barely covered her nakedness, locks spilling freely over her shoulders. She seemed completely comfortable, unashamed in her enticing appearance, a wide, teasing smile spreading over her face as she looked at him that made him suck in a sharp breath, tugging at a hidden feeling he hadn’t yet dared to untangle.

It made him careless for a second. “Isabela? What are you doing here?” he asked before he thought better of it, biting the inside of his mouth as soon as the words had left him.

Isabela laughed, giving him a sultry look that served to deepen the sudden warmth in his stomach as she came to stand next to Anders who had a small smile in the corner of his mouth as he looked down on her. “What does it look like I’m doing?” she purred.

Fenris frowned in disapproval, and she scoffed. “Fenris, please. I told you Anders and I… _met_ way before we both came to Kirkwall, didn’t I?” She stretched herself to reach up to place a kiss on Anders’ lips, seemingly oblivious — or indifferent — to how high the tunic rose as she did so.

Fenris quickly averted his gaze, a strange feeling burning in his stomach at the sight of them. When she sank back down, Anders rubbed a hand over the back of his neck somewhat bashfully, and her smile widened.

“I always remembered those magic hands very fondly from our encounter in Denerim,” Isabela said warmly. “And what Cassia told me sounded like he had a few new tricks up his sleeve.” A gleam came to her eyes and she winked at Fenris. “Turns out she didn’t lie.”

The muscles in his jaw worked as he deliberately swallowed against the uncomfortable heat in his stomach that he didn’t quite know how to place. Fenris couldn’t quite keep the annoyance out of his voice as he narrowed his eyes at Anders, “Did anyone _not_ sleep with you?”

Before Anders could answer, Isabela snapped, “ _You_ didn’t. Neither did Adriene, famously.” She threw him a sharp look. “Even though it would probably do both you and Adriene good. Get all this emotional entanglement and tension between everyone out of the air.”

That was the moment that Anders cut her off with a sharp gesture. “I can still decide by myself who I sleep with, thank you very much.” His ears had turned red, but there was a rare sternness to his face as he looked from Isabela to Fenris.

Bela held up both of her hands, a glint in her eyes. “Of course. But I’ll remember that neither of you actually protested against the idea.”

“Isabela,” Fenris growled, a warning in his voice that only resulted in making her grin.

“Oh come on, Fenris. It’s not like anyone here is opposed to interludes when the opportunity presents itself.”

“You said something about Adriene not having slept in days,” Anders interjected, deliberately ignoring Isabela next to him.

Fenris shot her a last look before he took a deep breath and nodded. Grateful for the change of topic, he concentrated back on Anders.

“Yes. She has nightmares,” he told him. His eyes darkened as he thought back to how he had found her screaming and thrashing in the bed. The haunted, terrified look in her eyes when she had finally woken was still clear in his mind.

Anders’ eyes widened. “She still has them?” he asked, something like shock in his voice.

Fenris nodded. “She does. She said you offered to keep her company to keep them at bay as well. That’s why I came to you.”

Anders’ eyes had a faraway look even as he nodded. “I did. But that was… Maker, it was nearly three months ago. It was shortly after Carver left, and she said she didn’t deal well with being alone again.” With a frustrated sound, he raked a hand through his hair, shaking his head. “I should have paid better attention. But she had promised me that she’d tell me if it got bad again. When she didn’t, I thought it had calmed down again like it did last year.”

The smirk had vanished from Isabela’s face, replaced by a frown. “Last year?” she asked, and Anders nodded.

“After Leandra’s death, she already had problems with nightmares,” he told them. “They settled down again after a while, so I had figured it was the same now.”

Fenris shook his head, the worry inside him deepening. “Apparently, it’s not. She told me the same thing, by the way — that she’s dealt with them before and that she’d tell me if it gets bad again, but…” He made a helpless gesture. “You know Adriene.”

“I do indeed,” Anders muttered, exchanging a resigned look with Isabela. They all knew that such a promise was near to worthless.

Isabela sighed. “So, you’re saying this has been going on since Carver left? That she keeps getting woken by nightmares?”

Fenris shook his head. “No. She’s not waking from them, not directly at least. I had to shake her out of it.” He looked from one to the other. “She’s not going to sleep because of them. I’ve never seen her so exhausted before.”

Isabela murmured, “She hates being alone. She told me once that that’s why she had that slobbering dog in bed with her.” Her eyes widened as a thought came to her. “That’s why I’ve seen her falling asleep in the Hanged Man a few weeks ago.” Looking at Anders, she asked, “And didn’t you say she was here a few times as well, sleeping in the clinic?”

Anders nodded with a frown. “She did. Mostly, it was after she was injured. Nothing big, minor things. But I know she stayed at least once thinking I wouldn’t notice.”

Fenris sat down on one of the cots and rested his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward with an affirmative hum. “She told me that company helps her sleep — which is why I offered her to stay. She’s been alone in the house ever since Leandra died, after all.” Shaking his head, he added a bit more quietly, “She refused, saying she had to learn to live alone. That she couldn’t expect any of us to put our lives on hold.”

Anders nodded. “She said something similar to me.” For a moment, it was quiet, then he roused himself, looking from Isabela to Fenris, “She might let you stay if you told her how you feel. Why don’t you?”

“Why don’t _you_?” Fenris shot back, immediately on the defensive. He had no intention of talking about the emotional mess, the entanglement, the guilt, and longing that seemed to make the rift between him and Adriene unbreachably big. That was between him and her, and nobody else.

“You know why,” Anders just answered quietly, meeting his eyes. “I’m not the one she wants.”

“How do you know?” Isabela asked, a hint of provocation in her voice. Anders just gave her a look, but she didn’t back down, raising an eyebrow. “Hm?”

“Because she told me,” he muttered after a long pause.

“Told you what?” Isabela dug deeper, insistence in her voice.

Anders straightened. “She told me how she feels about the two of you, alright?” he said sharply. “And I will not repay such trust with unwanted attention.”

The silence that stretched between them was heavy and uncomfortable, then Isabela perked up and turned to Anders. “Can’t you do what you did for Cassia when she had nightmares? Ward the house?”

Anders sighed. “I could, but it wouldn’t help. The wards keep demons away, not normal nightmares. And since Adriene is no mage, demons are not the problem.”

Bela’s face fell. “So what do we do? Tell Cassia?”

Anders shook his head slowly. “And what can Cassia do? Do the same as we did, tell her to ask for help if she needs it? It’s not like Adriene can just move in with her, nor would Cassia move back to the mansion. No. It won’t work.” The frown was back on his face as he seemed to contemplate their options. After another pause, he pushed himself off the table. “You know what, I’m going to make us some breakfast and get properly dressed. Maybe we’ll come up with something over some food.”

“I’ve never had any good idea while being properly dressed,” Isabela sighed dramatically. When she caught the men’s looks, she chuckled. “Alright, alright. I’ll give it a try anyway. You’re missing out, though.” She gave Fenris a wink that coaxed a smile on his lips and sent a renewed sliver of heat down his spine as she followed Anders into the back room.

Not much later, they sat around the table covered with various fruits, cheese, and bread. Only now, Fenris realized that he hadn’t eaten before coming here, a hungry rumble in his stomach that made him load his plate with relish.

“So, basically, what we need to do is get Adriene to accept our help,” Anders said thoughtfully, hands closed around a cup of hot coffee.

“Or make her think that she is helping us,” Isabela added, throwing a grape into her mouth. Both men looked at her, and she shrugged. “What? You know she’d never refuse to help any of us.”

Fenris nodded slowly. “True. But how? She told me the only things that help her are light and company.”

“What, don’t want to ask her if you can move in?” Bela asked quizzically, nudging him with her foot.

“No,” he growled. “For various reasons. Do you?”

She only shrugged, avoiding his eyes. “She wouldn’t believe me anyway. Adriene knows that my only home will be my ship and nothing else.” Suddenly, her gaze sharpened and she looked at Anders. “ _You_ could, though.”

Anders took a deep breath and looked back at her with a scowl. “I told you already that I won’t tell—”

“That you won’t tell her about your feelings, yes, yes, I know,” Isabela interrupted him with a dismissive wave of her hand. “That’s not what I meant, though. But haven’t you complained over and over again how small that room of yours is? I know I have.”

“Repeatedly,” Anders said dryly.

Fenris drew his eyebrows together. This was not the first time Isabela had been with Anders? Anders caught his eyes and only shrugged. Isabela didn’t let herself be distracted, though.

“See? You could ask Adriene whether you could have one of the rooms for… I don’t know.” Her eyes went through the part of the clinic they were in. It contained the shelves with his potions ingredients, a tiny kitchen, the table that served both as potions and dining table with two benches, and a desk for his paperwork. The whole area was barely set apart with some room dividers from where Anders worked with patients, and where the cots were. Thankfully, they were all empty right now, but they all knew that more often than not, at least two or three were occupied. Eventually, she gestured at the small desk he used for his paperwork. “Well, anything really. Work on that manuscript of yours or just have some privacy now and then. I doubt she’d refuse you.”

Fenris pushed his empty plate away and nodded thoughtfully as he leaned back against the wall. To his own surprise, there was a curious lack of jealousy in him at the thought, just that familiar dark sadness at the knowledge that it couldn’t be him. “Plus, with the tunnel leading from your clinic into the basement, it would still enable you to be here quickly.”

Anders seemed unsure what to think of their proposition. “Are you serious?” he asked disbelievingly, looking from one to the other.

“Sure,” Isabela said.

Fenris shrugged. “It would spare me the way to Darktown to get you for our dinner at Cassia’s,” he said.

“What, and I don’t get an escort?” Isabela pouted.

Fenris just chuckled. “The one time I tried to walk with you, you got annoyed at me for thinking you couldn’t do it yourself, if I remember correctly.”

“Oh, right.” The grin on her lips was completely unbothered. “Well, then I guess from now on it is I that picks you boys and Adriene up for the dinner.”

“Forget it, then we’d always be late again, and as I said before, I like my food hot,” Fenris said with a shake of his head.

Before Isabela could answer, Anders held up a hand. “Wait, wait, wait. You talk as if it’s a decided thing.” He looked from one to the other with a somewhat perplexed gesture.

Isabela tilted her head. “What, are you saying you don’t want to have an extra room and help Adriene on top of it?”

The look on Anders’ face was nearly comically helpless as he looked at them, clearly at a loss for words. “No, I’m just…” he said, only to trail off again.

Bela just shrugged. “See?”

Fenris was silent while he looked at Anders. “If you’re uncomfortable with it, I’m sure we can come up with something else,” he eventually said quietly.

Anders held his gaze for a long moment, then he slowly shook his head. “If I had another idea, I’d have said so already,” he admitted. “But there are no potions that she could take regularly, and if neither talking nor time helps… I’m not sure there are many options left.” He heaved a deep sigh. “And I must confess, the thought of having a place somewhere not _here_ is pretty enticing.”

Isabela nodded, a decidedly satisfied smile on her lips. “Well then, it’s settled. Let us know how it goes.”

A knock on the door made them all perk up. “I guess your first patients are arriving,” Fenris said.

Anders nodded, already getting up.

“Go take care of them, we’ll clean up,” Isabela said, and Anders gave them a quick smile, murmuring “Thank you” as he walked over to open the clinic.

While they were doing the dishes, Bela looked at Fenris. “You’re curiously alright with this whole thing,” she said.

Fenris shrugged. “It will help Adriene. That is what matters, right?”

“Mhm,” she hummed, taking the last plate out of the water. “Still.”

He gave her a sharp look. “I could say the same about you. I can’t leave the mansion without endangering Adriene or losing my chance at killing Danarius or both. What’s your excuse?”

“Look, it’s… hard to explain,” Isabela sighed, avoiding his eyes. “But I am closing in on the relic. And I cannot—” She interrupted herself when Fenris scoffed.

“Always that relic,” he said dismissively. “Can’t you let it go?”

There was a sudden dangerous sneer on her lips as she turned to him, every bit of tease and softness disappearing from her. “Listen, I was _lucky_ so far,” she hissed, narrowing her eyes at him. “Castillon hasn’t found me yet. But believe me, he will. And that relic is the one thing that could save my life. I cannot just _let it go_.”

Fenris held her eyes for a long moment, then he nodded. It was the first time that Isabela had reacted like this when it came to the relic. Normally, she waved any question away, pretending that it was just a treasure hunt. But the way she scowled at him told him that it was much more than that. This was serious. Carefully and sincerely, he said, “Very well. I apologize.”

“Good.” There was a flicker in her eyes for a second as if she wanted to add something, but then she just shook her head, the smile back on her lips. “I bet you five silver that it won’t take more than two days until Anders has that room.”

“Hm.” He looked over to where Anders spoke to one of the people who had come in. “I think he’ll take longer. A week.”

“Deal.”

Four days later, they helped Anders bring the contents of his work desk and a few personal belongings into what used to be Cassia’s room, with five silvers disappearing into Varric’s pocket. Adriene used the opportunity to invite the rest of their friends and family as well for the evening, having decided that it was long overdue.

She had managed to sneak in a few hours of sleep that day tucked into a dark corner during a Chantry service, so she felt nearly as good as after her nights at Fenris’ place. And knowing that she’d have someone else in the house tonight, that Anders would actually stay a few nights every week, was enough to brighten her mood like few other things had done in a while.

Dinner soon turned into a relaxed evening in the garden. It was one of the first truly warm days of the year, and they had lit a little fire in a fire pit, gathering around it with their drinks and a few snacks, relaxed conversations and laughter filling the air.

Adriene smiled as she brought another bottle of wine outside. Anders was in deep conversation with Varric while Merrill and Fenris sat at the other side of the fire, laughing at something that Cassia had said. Cullen hadn’t been able to make it and was still at work in the Gallows, but Orana had offered to look after Maia so Cassia could join them. It was only then that she realized that Isabela was missing.

“Have you seen Bela?” she asked her sister.

“No,” Cassia answered, looking around as well. “I don’t think I’ve seen her since you went inside.”

“Maybe she went to the bathroom,” Merrill provided.

Adriene nodded, drawing her eyebrows together, then she put the bottle on the table. “I’ll look for her.”

She found her upstairs, leaning in the doorframe of what was now Anders’ room with a wistful look on her face.

“Hey, are you alright?” Adriene asked. Isabela looked up, immediately putting a smile on.

“Seagull! Yes, of course.” She made a dismissive gesture with her hand. “I was in the bath and just wanted to have another look.”

Adriene came closer, looking her over. The smile on Bela’s face was so obviously fake that she was getting worried. For a moment, she wasn’t sure whether she should say something or just ignore it, but in the end, she decided to just go for it. She missed the closeness between them, the ease and comfort that had been lost after her mother’s death. But if she didn’t try, they would never quite get back what they had had.

“Bela,” she said carefully, reaching to take her hand.

Isabela looked up, her fingers closing tightly around hers, sending a burst of hope through Adriene. Maybe they could cross that distance after all.

“You know I have more rooms, yes? You could have one, too,” she offered with a smile. “If you ever get tired of that hole in the Hanged Man, you know. I offered one to Merrill, too, but she didn’t want to leave the children she started to teach.”

“I know,” Bela said quietly. Now there was no mistaking the smile on Isabela’s face for anything but being melancholic. “Ah, seagull,” she sighed. “It is sweet of you to offer. But I wouldn’t want to take advantage of your hospitality.”

“I like it when you take advantage of my hospitality, you know that.” Adriene put just the right amount of suggestiveness into her voice to keep it light.

For a moment, Isabela just looked at her, then she sighed. “Listen, seagull, it’s… not that simple.”

Adriene looked to the side. She hadn’t really expected Isabela to take her up on the offer, but still, it stung somewhat to be so outright dismissed.

“Bela, I’m not proposing marriage here,” she said after a slight pause with a lopsided smile on her lips. “This is just me offering you a room. Nothing more. I mean, they’re empty anyway. But if you don’t want one, it’s fine.”

Isabela started to answer but stopped herself immediately. Eventually, she pulled her hand out of Adriene’s, turning and taking a few steps away from her. Adriene’s heart sank, the smile on her lips dying as she watched Isabela go. She fully expected her to just leave, but instead, Bela paused at the railing, looking down into the living room. “Did I ever tell you that I was once married?” she asked, and Adriene’s eyes widened. “When I was freed, I swore I would never marry again.”

Slowly, she walked over to Isabela, leaning against the railing next to her. “I can’t imagine you married,” she confessed.

Bela looked at her with a chuckle, but there was not much amusement in the sound. She leaned back at the railing, propping one leg up, arms crossed in front of her as if she wanted to protect herself. “I was his plaything. A prized possession. He saw me with my mother at the market in Llomerryn and decided he had to have me.” A sneer came onto her face as she spoke. “My mother gave me away for a goat and a handful of gold coins. She didn’t even haggle over the price! Bitch.”

Adriene’s eyes were wide as she looked at her friend in shock, a cold feeling in her chest. Isabela had never spoken about her past before… never even hinted at something like this. It didn’t take long for the cold to change into a fiery rage, though, at the people who had dared to hurt her.

Before she could say anything, though, Isabela already continued, “Thankfully, my husband took an assassin’s blade to the back of his skull just before he could ‘lend’ me to one of his business associates who had made eyes at me.” She raised an eyebrow at Adriene’s muttered “Good”, and smiled. “Before you jump to conclusions, no, I didn’t hire the assassin. I did thank him profusely, though.” A wistful look came to her eyes as she sighed. “Ah, Zevran. He was an artist.”

Something about the name tugged at Adriene’s mind. “Zevran… wasn’t he with the Hero of Ferelden?” she asked.

Isabela nodded. “He was indeed. Even married one of the Wardens, I hear. I never took him for the marrying kind.” She sighed again. “Pity. I had always hoped for a… reunion.” She gave Adriene a wink before she turned serious again. “Look, seagull, I appreciate the offer, I do, but I’m just not that kind of person.”

“Not the kind of person that needs a room?” Adriene asked dryly.

Bela chuckled, but the laughter didn’t quite reach her eyes. “No, the kind of person that settles down somewhere.”

“Again, Bela, I’m not asking you to,” Adriene said.

“But it feels like it.” With a deep sigh, Isabela pushed herself off the railing and took a few steps before she turned back to Adriene. “I already left a husband dead. I fled from another man who wanted my hand in marriage and it destroyed him. I promised myself to never be hurt again. And keeping my freedom ensures that.”

For a moment, neither of them said anything, a sad heaviness hanging between them. There was something in what she had said that made Adriene perk up, though. “Is that really it?” she couldn’t help herself asking.

Bela scoffed. “Of course it is! What else would it be?”

Adriene tilted her head, her gaze fixed on Isabela. “Is it about you not being hurt? Or about you being afraid of hurting someone else? Of hurting… me?”

Isabela’s eyes widened slightly, then she took a step back. “No! I… Look. It isn’t like that, I…” She stumbled over her own words before she caught herself. “No, it’s just… easier this way.” For a second, Adriene thought she would say something else, but then, Isabela just walked past her towards the stairs. “Now, if you’re done trying to confuse the issue, I’m going to go outside again.” She took one step, only to pause for one last moment as if she wanted to turn back or add something else. But then, she just went downstairs and disappeared outside again.

Adriene looked after her, a strange feeling making her chest tight. There was something in the way Isabela had spoken, in what she had said that made her heart clench. For a moment, it had felt as if they would be able to cross that distance between them, after all, only for Isabela to pull back and leave again. Adriene sighed deeply, a by now familiar sadness in her heart. Then she followed her to join the others. After all, even if Isabela and Merrill hadn’t taken her offer, Anders would stay. That was something to celebrate.


	25. The Price Of Salvation

It was one of those days where, from the outside, everything seemed to be perfectly calm. The summer sun was shining brightly, having led Cassia and Anders to take the gloomy topic of deciphering Malcolm’s old notes to the outside. The wooden table in the garden was covered in parchments, notes, and by now empty cups of tea. 

Maia was out with Orana on errands, which gave them all the quiet they needed to get some work on Malcolm Hawke's diary done. Something that Cassia had dreaded and pushed off for far too long. The more they got into it though, the more that dread dissipated. After Adriene’s revelation about their father having been forced to dabble in blood magic and the resulting inner turmoil, Cassia had been more than a little worried about just what they might find in his notes. It had required Anders pushing her to get it over with for her to finally sit down and go through everything Adriene had brought back from the Deep Roads nearly half a year ago. And with every page she read, the dreaded notebook full of potentially uncomfortable things became dreadfully normal. 

Notes after notes about benign spells, travel observations, and undecipherable side comments took her worries away, page by page. There was even the one or other instance where she could make out what had clearly been her father jotting down ideas for baby names. A surge of affection went through her at the thought of her father being unable not to think about something like that, even when faced with the horrors of whatever the Wardens had made him do. Followed by even more affection for her mother for taking none of his name ideas into account. 

“I can’t believe he wanted to name me or Adriene ‘Elophenia’,” she said with a chuckle of disbelief. “I was never before this grateful for my mom always having the last word.”

Anders stretched out his arms, rolling his head slightly to get the tension out of his neck as he grinned at her. “I don’t know, you kind of look like an Elophenia to me!”

At Cassia’s offended snort, he shrugged. “It’s a character from a fairytale I’ve often heard in the Circle,” he elaborated. “She was a young maid who was found out to be a mage when she saved the king's life. He offered her a boon as a reward, wanting to marry her, but she chose to wish for freedom instead and lived her days out in the kingdom as a free mage.”

With renewed fondness, Cassia glanced back down at the page in her hands. “I guess I could see why he liked the name then,” she murmured quietly before turning the page. “I’m still glad it didn’t stick, though!”

Anders laughed. “It is a bit old-fashioned, I agree. Your given names suit both you and Adriene much better.” 

With a laugh, Cassia went back to reading, only to be pulled out by Anders clearing his throat not much later in an obvious attempt to get her attention.

“I’ve been going over some of the ideas you wrote down,” Anders said, putting the notes about her father’s book aside for a moment. “Specifically about the underground.”

Cassia looked at him with apprehension. When she had first suggested her ideas to him, Anders had not outright rejected them but he had looked very conflicted about them. As she had expected him to. “And?” she asked expectantly.

“I’m not going to lie, I see the idea behind it and it has merit, but at the same time…” He let out a sigh. “Cassia, it could be really dangerous.”

“Says the man with the free clinic in Darktown,” Cassia said with raised eyebrows. “I know it seems risky, but I don’t really see much of an alternative, do you? And besides, is it really that different from what Cullen has been doing? You helped him with that too, after all.”

When Cullen had asked for more leeway from the Knight-Commander to investigate some templars by giving her a story about how he suspected some of them involved in the mage underground, Anders had been a great help in providing some details to make the story believable. He had come up with things that seemed important but were of no consequence for the actual underground movement that Cullen could present as making progress and getting results.

“The way I see it, all this careful planning everyone is doing will amount to absolutely nothing the second I would be discovered,” Cassia said quietly. It wasn’t the first time she had raised that concern. Cullen would instantly lose all credibility, and everything he had ever done in the Gallows would be called into question. It was a thought that kept her awake at night more often than she would like to admit. Everyone was acting to play their parts, but one tiny misstep from her would be enough to destroy everything. Her careful contingency plans for not being discovered were no longer feasible after all. It only made sense that she would need to work on a plan for if she ever _were_ discovered. Making her a seemingly integral part of Cullen’s work was only the next logical step.

“I spoke to Cullen about it,” Anders said, interrupting her thoughts. “He doesn’t like it either, but much like myself, he doesn’t have a better idea.” The reluctancy in his voice made it clear he wasn’t happy with the thought.

“That’s because there isn’t a better idea, believe me, I’ve thought about every possible angle.” And she had. For months, she had thought about every possible way, every action she could take to ensure her family’s safety and those of her friends. Everyone she was in contact with would be heavily implicated after all if she were to be discovered.

“You might be right,” Anders murmured, still visibly unhappy. “Have you told Adriene about your ideas?”

“Only in the vaguest sense,” Cassia admitted. Her sister had been under a lot of stress since she had come back from the Deep Roads, and Cassia hadn’t wanted to add to all that by burdening her with even more potential for worry. “I was planning to as soon as everything calmed down a bit more, but that doesn’t seem to be happening at the moment.” While Adriene tried placating the nobles and Cassia’s efforts of not being found out by the Knight-Commander, combined with their joint tries of keeping the peace with the Arishok, there were precious few moments of calm in between.

“I understand, but she should know about your plans if we are doing this.”

Cassia nodded. Anders was definitely right about that. But if he insisted on informing Adriene, it also meant…

“So, this is you saying you don’t completely like it but you are helping me regardless, isn’t it?” she asked, a small smile on her face.

“I don’t have much choice, do I?” Anders said with a sigh. “None of us came up with a better plan, and I am certainly not letting you do this on your own and without every possible precaution.” 

“Thank you!” Cassia said whole-heartedly, glad for the support, even if it came with some stipulations. “I’ve already talked to Isabela, and she has been helping me.”

At that, Anders let out a small chuckle. “Teaching you the art of forgery, I guess?” 

“More or less,” Cassia nodded. “We should probably meet up sometime soon, all of us. And I’ll talk to Adriene beforehand, so she doesn’t completely explode when she hears about the details.”

“Please do so, take the heat for the rest of us.” Anders was actually grinning by now. “Not that it will keep her from chewing us out individually later on regardless. This is about your safety after all.”

With that, they both went back to the task at hand, working quietly side by side, each on their respective page, and Cassia found herself oddly relaxed. Now that she finally felt they were getting somewhere and most of her apprehension about looking into her father’s work was gone, she found the notebook and his scribbled thoughts rather interesting. Additionally, it made for a good distraction. The rest of the day would not nearly be as pleasant as this was. There was another Chantry service she was officially invited to by the Knight-Commander in the afternoon, and in the evening, she had promised to help Adriene with a dinner her sister was hosting for some of their more influential noble acquaintances. The day promised to be a long one, but right here, sitting in the sun and enjoying the quiet, she could almost forget about that.

Almost.

Not much later, Anders’ sudden frown ripped her out of her pleasant mood.

“This is… odd,” he murmured, flipping through the pages he had just revised. All of a sudden, he reached for another book, mumbling something incomprehensive as he went back and forth between the two books, his frown deepening. 

“What is it?” Cassia asked, her curiosity piqued. 

The hesitation on Anders’ face turned that curiosity into worry as she wondered why he was acting so weird all of a sudden. “Anders?”

He looked torn as his eyes went from the notebook to her and back. He had definitely found something. Something he didn’t quite want to tell her about.

“Anders,” Cassia said sternly. “Don’t even think about hiding anything you find from me!”

“I won’t!” he assured her immediately, but the hesitation was still all over his face. “I am just trying to find the best way to explain this.” Again, his eyes were glued back on the notes as he let out a sigh. “I really wish I wouldn’t have to tell you of all people this,” he murmured before straightening up. “Look at this page specifically,” he said, sliding the book over to Cassia who took it with a sense of dread spreading through her stomach. 

It contained notes about a ritual, she could see at first glance. Nothing she was familiar with. Some of the ingredients listed at the side sounded familiar, others she had never heard of before. All in all, Cassia wasn’t sure what exactly made Anders so concerned.

“What am I looking at?” 

“Something very rare,” Anders said, still frowning. He didn’t quite look her in the eyes as he kept explaining. “I’ve only come across something like it once before, in a very old tome the Wardens had in their Keep, and when I saw it back then, I was relatively certain that it was just a theory.” His obvious discomfort made Cassia’s concern grow with every passing minute. 

“Theory for what exactly?” she asked, sounding much more pushy than she had intended. 

“It’s an old ritual, from back in the times when the Chantry had just outlawed magic and started instituting the Circles.” Anders looked at her as if he was sorry for every single word he was telling her. “It was a try at preventing magic to manifest in children. Preferably before they were even born.”

Cassia’s eyes widened as his words sunk in, and she slowly understood why he had been so hesitant to tell her. She looked down at the book in her hand, her father’s handwriting dancing in front of her eyes as she tried to make sense of this. Cassia’s first instinct was to ask why he would even have this. As if the purpose of the ritual itself wasn’t a glaringly obvious answer already. 

“Could it be he had no idea what this was? That he had just found something to study while with the Wardens or something?” Cassia hated how unsure her voice sounded. How paper-thin an excuse to not believe the worst her question was.

Anders shook his head with a sad smile.

“Cassia, believe me, I wish I could tell you that but from his notes…” He reached over to point at some of the scribbled side comments. “There. Those are adjustments for ingredients based on different climate and availability. He knew enough to adjust the ritual to specific circumstances.”

Cassia’s throat closed up as she kept staring at the page. She wasn’t sure what exactly she felt in that moment. Sadness, disappointment, and anger all vying for her attention. The anger seemed to be the most palpable, the easiest to hold on to.

“He told me it was a gift,” she said tonelessly as she looked back at Anders. “All my life, he told me that magic was a gift, something that I should embrace. And when I was struggling and when I told him how I didn’t want any of this, he…” She trailed off, unable to finish her sentence as her emotions threatened to overwhelm her.

“It may very well be that having you actually changed his mind. That he wasn’t the same anymore when your magic manifested,” Anders said softly in an attempt to calm her down.

Cassia stood, the chair screeching over the stone ground at her movement. She slammed her hands on the table, the sudden sound of it making Anders draw back in surprise. 

“He called me ungrateful!” she nearly shouted. “I was a child, and I was in so much pain because I was scared all the damn time, and he had the nerve to call me ungrateful. To tell me I was disrespectful of the gift given to me by the Maker. A gift he clearly didn’t want me to have in the first place as it turns out…”

Cassia had to fight down the impulse to grab her father’s notebook and simply throw it into a corner of the garden. She had been angry at her parents before. Specifically her father. But never before had she felt such strong and conflicting emotions at the same time. The anger at his hypocrisy and the way he had talked to her so many times was thrown off balance by the sudden feeling that she had never been as alone in her wish of not having any magic as her father had made her think. It didn’t fit together, didn’t make sense in her mind. How he could tell her to embrace something he himself obviously hadn’t wanted for her. How he could have held two very opposing viewpoints. Unless…

Cassia let out a deep sigh. She sat down again, feeling all fight leave her as she kept staring at the book. All her life, she had felt conflicted about magic. Torn between what she felt she should want, and what she wished for in secret. A wish born out of fear and feeling alone with her troubles. Was it really so hard to let in the possibility that her father had felt much the same? 

He had lived in a Circle, seen first hand what happened to mages in there. And he had managed to flee, only to have another group sweep in and force him down a path he never wanted to take for the sake of his family. When she thought about Maia, it wasn’t like Cassia could blame him for going to great lengths to spare his children the same pain. Just as it made sense, the longer she thought about it, that he would still do his best to try and make her embrace who she was when it didn’t work.

All the righteous-feeling anger that had been there moments ago went away as Cassia realized she couldn’t be angry at him. Not for any of it. She couldn’t condemn him for being a parent that only wanted to do anything to keep his family safe.

Anders had watched her outrage quietly. He knew her well enough to know when to simply give her some time to think. When he saw her relax again, he gave her a tentative smile. 

“Feeling better now that you got that out?”

Cassia shook her head. “I don’t know how I feel if I am honest. It’s… a lot.” She pushed the open book in between them. “Explain to me how this is supposed to work. I want to understand better,” she said quietly, her breathing now calm again. “Was there any danger to me and Adriene? Did they risk a lot?” Something in her wanted to, no _needed_ to understand what her father had been thinking back then. How far he had been willing to go.

Anders seemed to understand immediately as he went into an explanation about what he knew. His knowledge about the ritual was only theoretical but he knew enough. About how the ritual came to be and how many little aspects of it were simply there to ensure that no one, especially the child, would get hurt. With every bit he explained, Cassia felt the relief grow stronger in her. Relief at the fact that despite the willingness to dabble in blood magic once more for this, her father had obviously been greatly concerned about them.

“So, in the end, your father most likely set himself up as a conduit,” Anders finished his lengthy explanation. “The idea behind it was that the potential for magic would have been drawn out from the unborn child and into the nearest vessel. Which would have been him.”

At that, Cassia perked up. “Wouldn’t that make someone incredibly powerful?” she asked as a dozen possibilities with really bad consequences went through her mind. “Why aren’t magisters in Tevinter doing that all the time, for instance?”

“Because luckily, this is all just theory,” Anders answered. “There isn’t a single recorded instance of something like this ever working. It was a thought experiment from some scholars back in the day, but it got lost in old library tomes because it only worked on paper.” He pointed at some notes her father had left on the side. Replaced ingredients and additional steps. “Here, this is what I think made your father think he could get it to work. He took the original ritual and combined it with some of the blood magic he had learned.” He shrugged lightly as he gave the book back to Cassia. “I am guessing he thought he had found what everyone else missed? But that obviously didn’t work.”

Cassia couldn’t tell what exactly it was. The notes, Anders’ explanation or something else altogether, but suddenly, she felt something heavy settle in her stomach as the many tidbits of information suddenly seemed to rearrange themselves in her head, and her eyes widened. 

“But it did,” she whispered. “It did work. Anders, it _did_ work!”

Hastily, she grabbed some of the notes on the table, flipping through them before finding the matching page in her father’s notebook. 

“Look!” Anders looked confused as she pointed at the page she held out. “The baby names!”

Anders only blinked, obviously not following her thoughts. “What about them?”

“They are for one child,” Cassia said, a slight tremor in her voice. “Names for a possible daughter and names for a possible son. One child!” She looked from her father’s scribbles to Anders. “They didn’t _know_ they would be having twins!”

She could see the moment Anders understood what had her so on edge as he drew in a sharp breath. “You think it means…”

“He set himself up as the vessel,” Cassia interrupted him, her thoughts running so fast she had trouble keeping them together. “He was supposed to be the closest person receptive of magic, and he specifically used his blood as a component for this, but he didn’t know there was someone even closer who also shared his blood!”

It would explain so many things. The connection she had always felt to Adriene that seemed so much more intense than simply being aware of her sister. More than simple empathy for each other. Her mother had jokingly called it their magic thread more than once, but all of a sudden, it did feel rather literal.

“Remember what Cullen said about my magic? How he has never seen a mage that has so much of it?” she added. “What if that ritual indeed worked, and it latched onto one child, taking all that magic potential, but instead of drawing it into my father, it got stuck in between? It got stuck in _me…_ ”

“As far as theories go, this is certainly very out there,” Anders mumbled, obviously still trying to wrap his head about it all. “But it makes a surprising amount of sense. And it would explain all that excess magic you have.” Suddenly, his eyes widened a bit. “It would also explain some of Adriene's talents!”

Cassia shot him a confused look. “What kind of talents are we talking about?”

“Your sister can see and perceive the differences in magic people have,” he explained. “I thought it was odd, most mages are not even aware enough to see the nuances, yet for her, it seemed completely natural.”

“She could always do that,” Cassia nodded. “She told me about the differences in me and Bethany when we were still teenagers.” 

Everything seemed a bit surreal as Cassia tried to stay calm through all of it. It explained so much. And it also meant something else. “Adriene was supposed to have magic, just like me,” she said tonelessly.

Anders nodded again. “That seems to be the conclusion, yes. If that ritual hadn’t happened, you’d have both been mages. Probably with a completely normal amount of magic.” Before Cassia could say what was going through her mind, he stopped her. “Before you ask, no, this cannot be reversed, and yes, I am absolutely sure of it. The changes the ritual caused are too fundamental.” He looked at her full of sympathy, but his voice left no room for doubt. He was quite certain about this. “Whatever that magic did, it changed both of you so long ago that the changes became part of who you are. If you could even find a way to reverse that, it would very likely do horrible things to both of you.”

The way he spoke sent a shiver down Cassia’s spine. “In what way?”

“I can only speculate,” Anders admitted. “But that magic has been a part of you since you were born. Forcefully taking part of it away now would most likely be something you could never recover from.” He looked at her imploringly, intent on driving the gravity of what he was saying home. “Likewise, Adriene never had a chance to adjust to having magic, both physically and mentally. The sudden influx of it would most likely drive her insane.”

Cassia swallowed as she grasped the gravity of his words. “I see. No messing around with anything like that then. I think I’ve done enough damage with my magic experiments already.” She pushed down the grief that welled up in her every time she so much as vaguely thought about the results of her magebane abuse. It was a road she would not walk down again. Especially not if it involved someone else. It had taken too much already. 

“But I think I need to tell Adriene about this regardless. She deserves to know.” Even if the knowledge didn’t actually change anything for either of them. Knowing why things were the way they were was always better than not knowing, after all. “It also might explain why Adriene could feel the magic drain,” she added, almost as an afterthought. So many things she suddenly saw from another perspective.

“It could be connected, yes,” Anders agreed. “And I think you should definitely tell her, this is no small thing after all.” He smiled at her encouragingly. “If you want, I can be there for further explanations.” 

Cassia shuffled her chair closer around the table to lean over and give him a brief hug. “Thank you, and I would really appreciate that!” When she drew back, she was smiling too. “Part of me wants to run over to her place right now and tell her, but she won’t be home, and I have that Chantry thing in a short while.” She let out a sigh as she thought about when she could tell her. “And then there is the noble dinner tonight. I think I’ll have to wait till after that even.”

“Well, I almost live there full-time by now, I can be around when all the guests are gone,” Anders offered with a shrug, and Cassia beamed at him.

“You’re the best! I promise I’ll save you some of the really good food!”

“Deal!” Anders laughed before he started to clean up the many papers strewn across the table. 

With her head full of thoughts, Cassia got up to help. Not long after, Anders went on his way back to the clinic, and Cassia had to push all deliberations about strange magic rituals away as she got ready for her next appointment. Carefully, she dressed up to look the part of the pious Chantry goer she needed to be perceived as. 

Her more practical clothes were exchanged for a fine dress in light blue, her hair openly falling down her shoulders and back as she looked in the mirror before she was ready to go. Back stared the very picture of a friendly, polite, and very open-looking woman that didn’t have anything to hide. These visits had become routine over the last few months, and still, they made her nervous every single time. 

Her magic was calmer by now. The long months of being careful and slowly trying to rebuild her control started to pay off. But it wasn’t perfect yet, and the ever-looming threat of someone noticing her magic was enough to make her anxious every time she had to meet the Knight-Commander. Only the fact that Cullen had drained her magic in the morning before he had left for the Gallows made the thought of going to the Chantry somewhat bearable. By now, some of her magic was back again, but it was still so little that she could control it well enough for now. 

It wasn’t one of the busiest days, but the Chantry was still decently filled up when Cassia got there. The monotonous sermon did nothing to keep her mind from wandering back to the discoveries they had made earlier. The feeling of unease she had whenever she sat in those services was amplified by the restlessness in her. Part of her couldn’t wait to get out of this service and get to Adriene’s place. Perhaps, if she hurried after the service, she could be there early enough that the guests weren’t there yet, so she could talk to her sister for a few moments at least. Or maybe she shouldn't. Perhaps it would be better if she held her tongue until after the dinner so Adriene wouldn’t have the added stress all evening.

Her thoughts were still running in circles as she made some polite small talk after the service, standing at the entrance to the Chantry gardens. A few sentences exchanged with the Knight-Commander, a pleasant smile at the right times, and a few well-placed laughs came almost automatically by now. Cassia knew how to play this certain game, as much as she despised it. She was so used to it that she didn’t really pay attention to whom she was talking to anymore. Nor who else was around. Not until there was a voice behind her that sent chills down her back.

“Lady Rutherford, what a pleasure to meet you again. It has been a while, hasn’t it?”

The smile froze on her face as she turned around and stared at none other than Ser Oswald. He looked… normal. Unimpressive without his armor. Easy to overlook, she realized, but even though there was a smile on his face, his eyes told a different story. 

“It has indeed, Ser Oswald,” Cassia got out, sounding slightly stilted.

His voice was positively dripping with false friendliness. “What a wonderful coincidence to run into you,” he said before holding out his arm. “Walk with me so we can catch up.”

Cassia stared at the offered arm, confused and utterly shaken by the sheer brazenness he displayed. He couldn’t think that she would accept under any circumstances, could he?

Just at that moment, he stepped closer, his voice much lower than before, meant for her ears only.

“If I were you, I would accept gracefully and avoid making a scene.” 

Cassia gasped quietly as she felt a familiar tingle at the back of her neck. 

“You are not quite as devoid of magic as usual,” Ser Oswald added with an unsettling smile. “Your husband is slipping up. Or has he finally lost interest in you?”

Her eyes widened as he nodded at his offered arm. “Take a walk with me!” he repeated, a bit more forcefully than before, and Cassia saw no other option than to take it, trying to quell the fear welling up in her as he led her away from the people-filled entrance and further into the gardens.

“Not that I am not enjoying the look of panic in your eyes,” he said, the friendly and polite tone from earlier gone as they could no longer be overheard. “But you can relax, I am not going to arrest you. Not today at least.” 

Somehow, his words did nothing to reassure her. “You will forgive me if I don’t take that as any comfort,” she said, trying her best to not let her voice shake. 

“I will forgive nothing,” Ser Oswald said snidely, and something in his eyes turned hard as he regarded her with a look that made it very difficult for Cassia not to simply turn and break into a run. “But,” he added after a brief pause, “I can see an opportunity when it presents itself.”

By now, after rounding a few corners of hedges and trees, they were truly out of earshot and well out of sight from everyone else. Far enough for him to let the last bit of polite facade fall away as he turned and grabbed her arm in a strong grip.

“I’ve done some digging. As you might remember, I promised you I’d find out what you did. It took me a while, but here we are.” 

Cassia had to breathe deeply to not let the fear overtake her completely as she felt suddenly thrown back to that day in his office. Remembering his threats all too vividly.

“And what exactly do you think you’ve found out?” she managed to say, trying not to flinch as his grip on her arm tightened.

“I’ve had you watched,” he spat, his voice full of disdain. “There were some peculiar sightings at your mother’s funeral for instance. Not to mention the rather sketchy report of her murder. But there are other things.” His lips twisted into an unsettling version of a smile as he continued. “Like the fact that the Knight-Captain seems to have drastically cut down his lyrium supply, judging from the amount of bottles that are piling up at the back of his office.”

Cassia’s eyes widened slightly at his words. This was news to her as well. Something she had never thought about before. For a moment, she felt utterly stupid. Cullen had even told her that taking her magic felt very much like taking lyrium, only with more intensity, but she had never made the connection before.

Ser Oswald noticed her surprise immediately, and his smile grew wider. “Ah, something you haven’t quite thought through then, I guess,” he said gleefully. “He shows no signs of withdrawal, so any idiot can see he has found another way to satisfy that craving.”

His insinuating tone and the way his eyes ran over her, lingering a bit too long on her form made Cassia shudder. He tugged her closer, and his voice was eerily pleasant all of a sudden. 

“Not that anyone could blame him,” he murmured quietly. The slight tickling sensation on her neck was back, and from the way his eyes turned darker, Cassia knew he was draining what little magic was still in her. 

“Stop!” she hissed. Her free hand was on his chest, trying to push him away with all her strength, but he wouldn’t budge. All it got her was a chuckle.

“Oh, but you have absolutely no resistance against this, have you?” There was something gleeful in his voice. “Has he broken you so completely? I didn’t think this was even possible.”

“You said you weren’t here to arrest me,” Cassia got out between gritted teeth. Trying to not give in to the panic became harder and harder. “What is it that you’re here for?”

“You know precisely what I want,” he said, making no effort to hide any of his intentions.

“Cullen’s job,” she said, her eyes narrowed. Ser Oswald’s smile only widened.

“Among other things.” Another leering look made it obvious what ‘other things’ he had in mind. “And I, in turn, know exactly what _you_ want.” The smile on his face got unsettlingly wide. “Now, if you really want to keep your family safe, listen closely, because this is how it is going to go!”


	26. This War Of Ours

It had gotten easier over the course of the last year, but Adriene would never be quite comfortable in the presence of nobles. It always felt like there was a second city hidden within Kirkwall with its very own rules. A city where Darktown was a myth, where the lack of silk was more important than the people losing their livelihood due to Rivaini merchants no longer coming to Kirkwall because of the Qunari, and where words had more than one meaning. And yet, she had learned to navigate the conversations with more ease by now, coming to understand that beneath the frivolity, the luxury, and money still lay a sort of caring for the city that was just _different_ than she was used to.

Since Anders had more or less moved in with her nearly three months ago, the dinners she regularly gave had become less of a burden. His presence in the house had helped remarkably with her nightmares, and she no longer suffered from permanent insomnia. She was still not sleeping _well,_ but she was _sleeping,_ which made all the difference. A few times, she had snuck into Anders' bed when the nightmares became unbearable, and he didn’t seem to mind her company; on the contrary. It had improved her general condition so much that even the nights when he wasn’t there and which were consequently still filled with unspeakable horrors in her dreams were somewhat endurable. Knowing he’d be there the following day made all the difference. 

Of course there had been talk, curious and double-edged remarks, but once they knew he was not only a Grey Warden but had worked for and with the Hero of Ferelden, the arrangement had no longer raised more eyebrows than other things. Apparently, the consensus was that she was doing the Hero and her brother a favor by providing Anders with accommodations — and Adriene didn’t much care that there were a few rumors that it was more than _accommodations._ It didn’t seem to hurt her reputation with the people that mattered, and that was all that was important to her in these circles.

The dinner was already over, and the dozen people she had invited milled about in the living room and the garden, taking snacks and drinks from the little buffet in one corner while they talked and laughed. As usual for these dinners, Adriene had hired a few people who helped Bodhan with the food, serving drinks, and discreetly cleaning up used dishes while she was free to mingle. By now, she had attended enough of those gatherings that she even no longer minded wearing the evening dresses her mother had bought for her, and so she looked right at home in it as she weaved through the guests, making small talk with everyone. The doors to the gardens stood open, bringing fresh air into the mix of too much perfume and colognes inside and the soft murmur of conversation of those outside. Adriene knew she would never achieve the grace and elegance of Cassia’s conversation skills, but she had still managed to steer the conversation to that which was closest to her heart — the templars’ grasp for power.

“Have you managed to meet with the Viscount, Lady Carlisle?” she asked the older woman who had taken a seat in the armchair as if on a throne. To her utter surprise over the course of the last months, Lady Carlisle had proven to be a steadfast and quick-witted ally once one got past the crocheting conversation. She had even taken a liking to the woman.

“I have indeed, darling,” Lady Carlisle answered, deigning to grace her with a rare smile for remembering her efforts. “But I am afraid it was of little use. The poor man is so grief-struck that he could barely concentrate on what I was trying to tell him. I’m afraid you will have to try and talk to him yourself again.”

Adriene heaved a sigh and inclined her head. “I will, be assured. I had feared that your efforts would not amount to much. Saemus’ death has hit Viscount Dumar hard, and he hasn’t responded to any of my letters nor agreed to a meeting.” She shook her head. “I’m afraid that he is currently unable to properly attend to his duties. I just wish the situation would allow us to actually give him the time to grieve he needs.”

“As do we all, darling,” Lady Carlisle nodded, sighing as she looked up to Leandra’s portrait on the wall, and a few others mumbled their agreement.

“In any case,” Adriene added after a second, “please accept my heartfelt thanks for trying to speak to him on our behalf.”

“But of course. I just wish he would speak to the Grand Cleric or the Knight-Commander, make them _do_ something. I do remember how he became Viscount as you know, and the rather morbid events surrounding that.” The lady sighed. “I had wished that after all these years he would have asserted his power more firmly.” A deep frown was on Lady Carlisle’s face, indignation in her voice. By now, the conversations around them had died down as people listened to what Lady Carlisle was saying. “First, a Mother tries to frame your sister for the murder of the Viscount’s son, and then, instead of publicly apologizing, the Chantry approves even more templar patrols, and Dumar does not call them back! One would think we were ruled by the Knight-Commander. It is not to be borne!”

“I don’t know, Lady Carlisle, I cannot help but feel safer with the templars on the street,” a grave voice came from the open door to the gardens.

“Ser Wilfred, you cannot mean that!” Ser Marlein interjected, a frown on her face. She was a fierce, independent woman with pale, long hair who had on several occasions already spoken to Adriene about her worry that the Viscount was no longer fit to rule.

Wilfred leaned against the doorframe and shook his head. “Have you seen the Qunari compound lately, Ser Marlein?” he asked. “I have seen more and more Lowtown people go in and out. They _are_ converting. Is it really such a wonder that the Chantry tries to step in?”

“I understand your point, Ser Wilfred,” Adriene said seriously. The nobles turned towards her, and Lady Carlisle raised her eyebrows.

“Do you, darling?” she asked in surprise. “I thought you disapprove of the templars trying to undermine the Viscount. Isn’t the Guard Captain a friend of yours?”

“Oh, she is, and believe me, I would see the Guard given sole power over the security of our streets rather sooner than later.” Adriene gave the older lady a smile. “But I do understand Ser Wilfred’s concern.”

The man grunted his thanks and took another sip from his glass.

But Adriene wasn’t done yet. “You all know that my sister and I have been the Viscount’s liaison to the Qunari over the course of the last few years, so I know what I’m talking about. And yes, I agree — they are trying to convert people. Or at least, they aren’t turning those away who are curious. As we’ve seen with poor Saemus.” A murmur went through the room, but it died quickly as she continued. “However, Ser Wilfred, if the templars were so concerned with security because of the Qunari, why are they up here in Hightown and not down at the Qunari compound to make their rounds?”

“And why are they not coordinating with the Guard?” Marlein interjected. “If it’s about security, one would think they would try to make the best of it. Instead, there are streets with two patrols, one by the Guard and one by the templars, and others with no patrols!” She shook her head. “No, this is about us. This is about Kirkwall’s nobility, and showing us who is in charge.”

Ser Wilfred snorted. “Please, Ser Marlein. I think you should ease off Lady Hawke’s drinks. This is ridiculous.”

While Marlein gave a heated response, Adriene gave Lady Carlisle a little smile before she went over to the buffet, leaving the conversation to the little group. She had set the ball rolling, now she could sit back and see where it went. While she walked through the room, she spoke to a few other guests, graciously accepting the usual compliments to the food, her dress, and the house in general.

She had just stepped out into the garden, grateful for the fresh air when she was greeted by one of her guests. “Where is your sister, Lady Hawke?” Lord Jermaine asked, taking a new glass from an offered tray.

Adriene gave the servant a grateful smile as she took one as well. “I’m afraid she couldn’t make it after all,” she lied with ease, turning her smile onto her guest. “You know how it is with children, Lord Jermaine.”

He was one of the chattiest people she had ever met, and one of the biggest gossips the city had, so she wasn’t ready to tell him that she had no idea where Cassia was. Her sister had promised to help both with the preparations and the conversation but hadn’t turned up despite her promise. It was so unlike Cassia that Adriene had even considered canceling the evening and go look for her, but the first guests had already arrived before she had come to a decision. But she fully intended to go over to see if Cassia was alright as soon as she could.

“Of course,” he smiled back. There was a gleam in his eyes that told her that he sensed her lie and hoped for a bigger story behind it. “They get sick at the most inopportune moments.”

Adriene made a noncommittal sound and nipped slightly from her glass before she wanted to turn away, but Jermaine wasn’t done yet.

“It’s a pity, really. I was so hoping to speak to her tonight after what I saw at the Chantry this afternoon.” He took a sip from his drink without letting her out of his eyes, and she knew that she would do better to indulge him.

“Whatever do you mean?” she asked, her eyes widening slightly as if she was truly interested in what he said. “Don’t tell me the Knight-Commander wasn’t with her after she invited her!”

There was a satisfactory smile on his lips as he took a step closer, leaning towards her with a conspiratorial look. “Oh no, the Knight-Commander was there as usual. But you won’t believe who I saw talking to your dear sister in a decidedly familiar way!”

He made a dramatic pause, waiting for her to ask “Who?” before he continued, “Ser Oswald.”

Now, he indeed had Adriene’s undivided attention. A sinking feeling as if someone had punched her in the stomach went through her at the mention of the name, and it took all she had not to drop her glass as her heart started to race. Ser Oswald. It had been weeks since she had last heard that name, since she had even thought about him. And yet, the thought of him still sent a bout of unease, fury, and a sliver of fear through her. She hadn’t forgotten how he had advanced on her, what he had done to Cassia. She had thought that he had lost interest or had at least given up on them, but if he sought Cassia out, it could mean nothing good. But approaching her in public? What did he think he could gain?

Lord Jermaine seemed oblivious to her emotional state as he continued to talk. “I wanted to go over to her to express my hope of seeing her tonight, but he took her arm and escorted her out into the garden for what seemed like a very… private conversation,” he said still in that conspiratorial tone. “Wasn’t he one of your brother-in-law’s rivals? I heard he was very disappointed when he was not promoted last year.”

Adriene had to clear her throat a few times before she nodded. “Yes, he…” She trailed off, taking a deep breath before she steeled herself, pushing her nervousness behind the noblewoman’s facade she wore at these events. “I apologize, Lord Jermaine, I am just so… shocked at this!” she said, matching his conspiratorial tone. “I cannot see what he hopes to gain by playing at being friendly towards Cassia. The man is so incompetent that I cannot for the life of me understand why the Knight-Commander has not yet heeded my brother-in-law’s recommendation and removed him from the templars’ ranks completely.” She shook her head, grasping her glass a bit more tightly. “You might remember last year’s uproar when my sister and I were falsely accused of being mages and dragged off to the Gallows? It was still before my poor mother’s demise.”

At Leandra’s mention, a look of pained sympathy and pity came onto Lord Jermaine’s face, and he nodded solemnly. Adriene knew that he had truly cared for her mother. He had shed actual tears at the funeral, and more than once offered his help afterward which was why she still invited him despite him being such a gossipmonger.

“Well, Ser Oswald was the man behind that untoward behavior. I can only guess that he is trying to get on Cullen’s good side again by trying to flatter my sister.” Adriene laid a hand on Lord Jermaine’s arm and leaned a bit closer, searching his eyes. “Please, Lord Jermaine, if you see him trying something like this again, do not hesitate to interrupt their conversation. I am certain that Cassia will be grateful. Ser Oswald is… not the most pleasant company, if you get my meaning.”

Jermaine laid his hand on Adriene’s and nodded again. “I understand completely, my dear,” he said with such seriousness that she would have been hard-pressed not to laugh if the whole matter were not so frightening. “Don’t you worry about a thing. I will make sure that she does not have to suffer through another conversation with him.”

Adriene gave him a smile. “Thank you, Lord Jermaine.”

For another few minutes, she made easy conversation, managing to hide her growing nervousness until she could no longer bear it. To her utter relief, Lady Carlisle came to her help, worriedly inquiring whether she felt alright. Adriene jumped at the opportunity and feigned an oncoming headache. Lady Carlisle immediately insisted that she should retire soon and loudly proclaimed that she would head home now, with a pointed “before the too-many patrols make the streets too crowded to pass in peace and quiet”.

To Adriene’s relief, the other guests took the prompt, and not a half-hour later, the last one left the mansion. By now, Adriene was practically buzzing with pent-up tension. When she went inside again, she headed straight for Anders’ room, nervousness still swirling tightly inside her. She had seen him sneak past the guests a few minutes earlier, and after a short knock, she went inside without waiting for his response.

He was already sitting at his desk, bowed over his writing, and looked up in surprise as she came in. “Adriene? Don’t tell me the guests have gone already?”

She nodded. “They did, I just sent them home with an excuse. But, Anders, Cassia hasn’t turned up.”

Anders frowned. “That is strange. She told me this morning that she’d come here straight after the Chantry.”

“She hasn’t,” Adriene said, splaying out her hands in a helpless gesture, her worries exploding through her with renewed force at Anders’ words. “But Lord Jermaine told me that Ser Oswald has taken her for a stroll in the Chantry gardens after the service, and now, I’m…”

“Ser Oswald!” Anders exclaimed with wide eyes, interrupting her. “Shit.”

“I know! Can you please go check on her?” she pleaded. “I still have to pay the servants and lock up, but I am so worried right now.”

Anders was already getting up. “Of course. I’ll be right down.”

“Thank you,” Adriene breathed in relief. “I’ll be downstairs.”

She had barely made it down the stairs again when someone knocked. Before she could react, Bodhan had already answered the door. “Lady Cassia!” she heard him say. “I’m afraid you just missed the guests.”

“Cassia!” Adriene exclaimed, hurrying towards her as Cassia came inside and pulled her into a hug, relief washing through her. “Maker, I’ve been so worried. Jermaine told me that Oswald pulled you aside in the Chantry, and I was so afraid for you! Are you alright?” Pushing her at arm’s length, she looked at her worriedly, taking in her pale cheeks and slightly disheveled appearance.

Cassia just nodded, avoiding her eyes. “Yes, I… is Anders here?”

Adriene blinked in surprise at the question. “He is, he was just about to go check on you. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Mhm,” Cassia said, “I just really need to talk to him alone. Now.”

At her words, everything in Adriene seemed to lock up again, and the tension that had just left her came back without forewarning. Something was very much not alright, she knew it. “He’s upstairs,” she told her sister, taking a step back and exchanging a worried look with Bodhan.

“Thank you,” Cassia murmured and hurried past her towards the stairs.

Cassia clutched the bag she had with her closer as she hurried up the stairs and towards Anders’ room. There was no time to lose, not after how things went for her today. Hastily, she knocked on his door. When it opened a moment later, looking like he had just been on his way out, she pushed past him into his room, quickly shutting the door behind her.

“Cassia,” Anders greeted her, sounding confused, “I was about to…”

“The plan,” Cassia interrupted him, trying to keep as calm as possible as she fixed her eyes on a point on the wall behind him. “We need to do it, right now!”

He blinked, taken aback by both her tone and the urgency in her voice. “I already said I would help you, didn’t I? We can go over everything.”

“No!” Cassia said forcefully, surprising herself with how harsh she sounded. “Right now! We need to do it _right now_!” 

She remembered the bag in her hands, and with shaky fingers, she set it down onto his work table, opening it and pulling out a stack of papers. 

“This is everything Isabela already helped me with. It’s not much, but it will have to do. Reports that date back years, all the things we talked about,” she said quickly, pushing the papers into Anders’ hands. “You need to get them into the Gallows, someone needs to plant them in Cullen’s office and make it look like they’ve always been there!” She still didn’t look at Anders, frantically checking her bag to see if she had missed something. “You can make that happen, right? You have contacts. I can’t go to the Gallows, not right now. Someone could see me, and then…”

Suddenly, two hands clasped around her shoulders, steadying her. Anders had put down the papers and held her still, trying to get her to slow down.

“Cassia, what is going on?” he said tensely, and for the first time, Cassia looked at him, really looked at him, and saw the worry and tension on his face. She started to shiver as his concern slipped through the cracks of the shell of frantic activity she had built to keep herself from giving in to the panic.

“He knows,” she breathed out. Some of her hair had come loose, falling into her face. With a careless move, she swiped it away as she gave Anders a pleading look. “Ser Oswald. He knows. And he is going to ruin everything if I don’t act fast, so please, help me!”

For a second, Anders seemed frozen, looking at her in shock before something went through him. Determination. “Tell me what happened,” he said firmly but calm, trying to get Cassia to focus on him instead of the panic inside her.

“He came to talk to me,” Cassia whispered. “In the Chantry gardens, after the service. I couldn’t get away.”

“He cornered you in public so you’d have to be polite?” The disdain in Anders’ voice was unmistakable, and Cassia nodded. “Alright, what exactly did he say?” 

Cassia’s throat closed up as she recalled his hateful words. The way his voice had been so deceptively sweet as he had delivered sugar-coated words made of pure poison. At her hesitation, Anders’ hands gently rubbed over her arms, trying to get her attention, but the moment he unknowingly went over the bruises Ser Oswald’s grip had left on her arm, Cassia flinched. 

Without hesitation, Anders pulled her sleeve up, frowning. “Cassia, what did he do? Tell me!”

* * *

“Now, if you really want to keep your family safe, listen closely, because this is how it is going to go!” Ser Oswald’s voice was hard as steel as he spoke. His bruising grip on her arm did not budge even the smallest bit. “You are going to give yourself up to the Circle. Voluntarily.”

Despite the fear almost paralyzing her, Cassia managed to give him a scathing look. “Now why would I…”

“Because if you get arrested, I can guarantee you there will be only one outcome,” he interrupted her. As he leaned closer, his lips twisted into an unsettling smile, matching his suddenly almost pleasant-sounding tone. “And I will personally make sure that it will be as agonizing and gruesome as possible.”

Cassia scoffed. He could not truly believe that this would in any way reassure her, get her to do what he wanted, could he? “If I just march into Meredith’s office and give myself up, it’s just as likely to happen,” she spat back, meeting his eyes with a clear challenge in her own.

“Not with the right story,” he said, his smile never faltering. “You will tell her how you wanted to give yourself up earlier, but the Knight-Captain kept you from doing that.” Cassia’s eyes widened and she took in a sharp breath as the glee in his voice suddenly made her understand where he was going with all this. “You will tell her all about how he kept you as a drained pet, and how _I_ convinced you to come forward and bring this out into the open. For your own protection, of course.” 

“And if I refuse to play your game?” Cassia sounded much braver than she felt as she stared at him with all the defiance she could muster. To her surprise, it only made his smile grow wider. 

“That would be very stupid of you,” he said, sounding like he was admonishing a small child as he raised his eyebrows. “Because then you’d lose the only ally you have. I can make sure that you won’t be made tranquil, after all.” He had already been uncomfortably close, but now she could feel his breath on her face as he looked at her with a disturbing amount of greed in his eyes. “If we were friends, that is. I could even be so generous as to make sure that the Chantry will not take your daughter, but that she can stay with your family instead.”

Cassia’s eyes widened. He had phrased it well, like he would do her some grand favor, but the implication behind his words was more than clear. The message startlingly loud. “No,” she said tonelessly. “You can’t…”

“I can and I will. It all depends on you.” 

Cassia felt herself sway from the dizziness. A wave of nausea hit her. She wasn’t sure if it was a side effect from the seemingly never-ending drain or a reaction to his threats. Probably both. Only his iron grip on her arm and his uncomfortable closeness kept her from stumbling. 

“I assume you’ll expect me to be grateful for your protection once I’m in the Circle…” The sheer thought made her stomach twist and turn even harder as she fought the urge to throw up.

Ser Oswald seemed not to care the least about her obvious discomfort. “Naturally,” he said with a gleeful laugh. “You wouldn’t want to give me any reason to go back on my promises, would you?”

The constant drain was taking its toll on her, and Cassia gasped audibly in pain. What was usually almost unnoticeable or at best a slight pulling sensation had become something akin to a painful grasp at a part of her. Like he was clawing at the inside of her skull, making her head spin, and Cassia tried to flinch away from the pain. For a moment, it took all her energy to keep herself staying on her own two feet. Enough for her to be distracted ever so briefly, letting out a startled yelp as she felt his lips on her neck, followed by teeth biting down harshly. 

In an instant, Cassia threw all her weight behind swinging her still free arm, her elbow ramming into his chest as she tried to tear her other arm free. 

Ser Oswald staggered back for a second, letting go of her with a wheezing sound as he drew in a sharp breath. 

This was her chance. Cassia grabbed her skirt, lifting it enough so she could break out into a run. She had to get out of this, no matter what any noble might think if she came running like a madwoman out of the gardens.

But the drain left her sluggish and slow. Too slow. And before she could put some decent distance between them, Ser Oswald had caught up with her. In an instant, he caught one of her arms again, twisting it harshly behind her back as his other hand closed around her throat.

“Now, that’s not a good start to our new relationship, is it?” he said menacingly. His small eyes looked even more piercing as they narrowed. “You’ve heard your options,” he hissed. “Make a decision. Come willingly or be dragged out of your home in chains. Your choice.”

It wasn’t really a choice, and he knew it. Just as Cassia did as she felt the desperation well up in her. Her struggle against his hold was utterly useless. Despite all her precautions, the extra training, and everything she had done, she would not be able to fight her way out of this.

Adriene’s voice echoed through her head. What was it that her sister kept saying? Something she had heard from Varric several times. ‘ _A game is only lost once it’s over._ ’ She couldn’t fight someone like Ser Oswald. Not in the traditional sense at least. She wasn’t strong enough for that. But combat wasn’t her battlefield after all. She could fight in other ways. Play another game.

With a resigned sigh, she stopped struggling.

“Fine,” she said, wheezing slightly under the constant pressure of his hand. “You’ve made your point.” She could feel him let go of some of his tension as he realized she had stopped fighting back. The grip around her throat remained unchangingly strong though, not enough to cut off all her air but strong enough to feel uncomfortable.

“Finally starting to see the reality of your situation for what it is, are you?” he spat, cruelty in his eyes that made Cassia shudder. 

“As I said, you’ve made your point. I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

“You never did,” he replied matter of factly. “Not really.”

“Will you let me say goodbye?” Cassia didn’t have to act to make her voice quiver with sorrow. 

It was distressing to see just how much her suffering seemed to placate the man in front of her as he smiled almost sweetly at her.

“Of course,” he said, sounding like she had just asked him a very silly question. “As I said, I am not arresting you right here, right now. It will work much better if you come to the Gallows on your own, after all.” He seemed to think something over for a moment before he nodded. “Yes. You may run home and say goodbye to your little one and make preparations for her. After all, someone deciding to give themselves up would prepare for her wellbeing, right?” 

“Right,” Cassia agreed tonelessly.

“I’m afraid there will be no goodbyes for your dear husband, though,” Ser Oswald said snidely. “He has the nightshift and unfortunately can’t be reached.” 

His grip on her tightened again, pulling her closer. “Now, let's do this right this time. Seal the deal, so to speak,” he murmured, licking his lips. “After all, you’ll have to get used to this eventually.” His eyes suddenly lit up as he let out a short laugh. “You should know that I am not the only one in the Gallows looking forward to this deal. And unlike the Knight-Captain, I have no issue with sharing my toys.”

With that, he surged forward, and Cassia fought the urge to gag as his moist lips were on hers and his tongue pushed into her mouth. _‘_ _A game is only lost once it’s over._ _’_ She repeated the sentence over and over in her head, trying to drown out the disgust that threatened to overwhelm her. 

To her relief, Ser Oswald seemed eager enough to get the whole thing over with, and after a few moments, he drew back, a satisfied smirk on his face as he slowly let go of her arm and her throat.

“Run along then,” he said, nodding in the direction they had come from. “You have until the Knight-Captain, no, _current_ Knight-Captain’s shift is over to show up in the Gallows with your _‘confession’._ Try not to miss me too much until then.” And with a final look at her, he turned around, leaving her standing alone in the Chantry gardens. 

* * *

Anders looked at her in horror as she finished telling him what had happened before he wordlessly drew her into a tight embrace. Somehow, the simple gesture of kindness, the quiet support was more than Cassia could bear, and she gently pushed him away.

“I appreciate it, but I can’t,” she said tonelessly. “If I stop and relax and let myself be comforted, I won’t be able to do what I must.” And she knew her next steps clearly.

The second Ser Oswald had left, Cassia had hurried home. She had collected every single thing she had prepared for an emergency. And she had had a long talk with Orana about what might happen in the future. Then, she had sat down with Maia in her arms and read her her favorite book. When Maia asked to read the same book again right after, Cassia had obliged, over and over again until it was time for her little girl to go to sleep. She had held her tightly until Maia had fallen into a deep slumber before she had packed her bag and made Orana promise once again to follow her plan to the letter. With that, she had made her way over to Adriene’s place where now everything depended on Anders’ willingness to help her.

“We are not prepared enough,” Anders said just at that moment, giving her an imploring look. “Your plan may work, but we are nowhere near ready.”

“I don’t have a choice,” Cassia said plainly. “It’s now or never. In a few hours, I am going to the Gallows, and I am going to tell Meredith everything.” She drew in a deep breath. “And if I want to have even the smallest chance of coming out of this alive and as myself, I need you to do this!”

“What?” Adriene asked tonelessly from the door.

Both Anders and Cassia turned towards her, obviously surprised to see her standing there, her hand still on the handle. She had changed out of her evening dress and into her regular clothes, a look of utter shock on her face.

“Adriene, how…” Anders started, but she interrupted him immediately.

“I knocked, but you didn’t hear me, so I opened the door to ask if everything was alright, only to hear… Cassia, what is going on?!”

Adriene gave her an imploring look full of disbelief. Like she couldn’t even consider taking what she had just heard at face value and Cassia could understand all too well. After everything they had done, all their hard work and their years on the run, there was a part of her that felt like she was giving up, despite her careful plans. 

“You can’t mean this,” she added somewhat helplessly when Cassia’s face fell at her question.

“I have no choice,” Cassia said quietly, swallowing down the lump in her throat as she looked at Adriene. Her shoulders sank under the weight of the full reality of her situation. She wasn’t sure if she could really do this, but what she was certain of was that she owed her sister an explanation.

With a sigh, she took off her scarf, listening to Adriene gasp in shock at the bruises and the clearly visible bite mark on her neck. 

“Ser Oswald came to talk to me after the service today, and he made some things very clear…”

With a deep breath, she pushed down the nausea that welled up again the moment she thought about the encounter and proceeded to tell Adriene all she had just confided to Anders. Every threat, every slight detail she recalled about the meeting. She could see on Adriene’s face that her sister felt as sick from the tale as Cassia herself did.

“So you see, I really have no choice,” she concluded at the end. “I was already working on a sort of contingency plan for if I ever get discovered, but he is forcing my hand. If I want to make it through this and if I want to make sure Cullen doesn’t lose his position over this, I have to get on top of this.” With determination in her voice, she looked at Anders and back to Adriene. “I have to get out in the open with this and turn it around in a way that doesn’t get Ser Oswald what he wants somehow.”

Adriene had a hard time biting the bile back that seemed to want to come up with every breath. _Maker, no, no, no!_ This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be, not after all they had done to make sure it wouldn’t. 

Now, she shook her head desperately, her thoughts racing. “We can leave,” she said, her wide eyes flickering to Anders in a desperate plea for help. “Let’s go get Maia, now, and leave the city. We can get sanctuary in Amaranthine! Or find somewhere else, but, please, Cassia, we cannot… you cannot go into the Circle. Not with people like _him_ there!” She gestured vaguely at Cassia’s neck. 

“I can’t leave, Adriene,” Cassia said, her voice quiet but steady. Adriene wanted to interject, but her sister shook her head before she could get a word in. “Even if we would somehow, miraculously, make it, get all of us out of the city — what then?” She made a helpless gesture. “Everyone I am close to would have to leave as well in fear of retaliation. Cullen would need to abandon his work, all of you would have to uproot your entire life…” She sighed. “On top of it, Cullen is bound to the Order by much more than a mere job, and from what I know, making him run from the templars could very well mean a death sentence!”

Adriene could see the unbridled fear in Cassia’s eyes at the mere notion of it and swallowed hard. She had seen ex-templars suffer from withdrawal, wasting away in agony, and it was not a pretty sight.

“Meanwhile, Meredith could continue her reign indefinitely, completely unopposed,” Cassia continued. “Not to mention the Qunari threat…”

Adriene cursed softly under her breath. She knew Cassia had a point, no matter how much she wished she didn’t.

“So many people depend on each and every one of us, can you really, honestly tell me you’d be fine with leaving all of them? Letting all of them down?” Cassia looked at her sister, the same helplessness on her face Adriene herself felt at the words. “I am not trying to just get myself thrown into the Circle, I _do_ actually have somewhat of a plan. But I can’t run. Not from this.”

Adriene desperately tried to find something, _anything_ she could say against Cassia’s arguments, raking her hands through her hair. “But…” she started, only to stop talking again, looking helplessly from one to the other. She knew her sister was right. And hadn’t she herself said something similar a few months ago to Fenris and even earlier to Carver? About how she couldn’t just up and leave anymore, about how this had long become more than about their family?

Both Anders and Cassia had the same desperate, pained look in their eyes, and suddenly, Adriene had to fight back tears. All of their planning, all of their work… had it really been for nothing? Had she overlooked something, had she become too lax, too trusting in Cullen’s ability to keep his colleagues from Cassia?

She knew exactly what her mother’s answer to that question would be. At the thought, the fight went out of her, and her shoulders slumped down. For a moment, utter silence lay heavy between them, and Adriene covered her eyes with one hand, biting her lip.

“Alright,” she then said with forced calm, looking back at Cassia. “Tell me about that plan.”

Cassia could see the conflicting emotions in Adriene’s eyes, and something in her desperately wanted to say something, anything that would make it better. But she had no words that would be up to the task. So she simply settled for a nod before she started explaining what she had come up with during her talks with Cullen and Anders. 

Adriene was obviously trying her best not to interrupt her, even though it was clearly visible on her face that she had the one or other strong opinion on the subject. Cassia appreciated her willingness to first hear her out even more at that moment.

When she was finished, Adriene stayed quiet for a while, obviously still deep in thought about everything she had just heard. After a few moments, Adriene looked at her with an expression Cassia couldn’t quite decipher. 

“That is a dangerous game you are planning on playing, Cass,” she said, unable to keep the worry out of her voice.

“I know,” Cassia admitted, taking a deep breath before smiling tentatively. “But I think it could work. Actually, Ser Oswald, in all of his awfulness has given me another idea.”

At the raised eyebrows and skeptical expressions of both Anders and Adriene, Cassia hurried to explain. “He had the idea of basically making Meredith more susceptible to his claims by discrediting Cullen, right? Because he knows her. And I’d like to think I’ve gotten to know the Knight-Commander a bit more as well.” She had spent quite a bit of time with her over the past months after all. And Cassia was nothing if not perceptive when it came to the people she kept an eye on.

“She knows me as being very supportive of the Chantry, and I believe I have played the part of the devoted, templar-supporting wife quite well. So if I can convince her that my hiding from the Circle has indeed been against my will…” Cassia wasn’t completely sure that her idea would work, but from what she knew of Meredith, stoking in her a form of righteous anger against another party could very well work in her favor. “I just need to find a way different from what Ser Oswald intended. One that doesn’t throw Cullen to the wolves but enforces him as being on her side.”

“Can’t you just switch their roles?” Anders said thoughtfully. “Oswald wanted you to paint Cullen as the one hindering you from giving yourself up, can’t you turn that on Oswald?”

Cassia looked doubtful and shook her head. “That was my first thought as well, but I don’t think it would be believable enough. Cullen is Oswald’s superior and could have gone over his head any time. Also, it wouldn’t explain why I didn’t give myself up before Oswald even knew me.” She sighed with a helpless gesture. “That’s the whole problem. It has to be someone that Cullen could not easily pass over, someone who could believably exert some sort of power that would prevent both me and him to just come forth.”

“But that’s easy,” Adriene said slowly. She had started to pace through the room in thought, now she stopped to turn to Cassia. “That someone is me.”


	27. Secrets Laid Bare

“What?” Anders exclaimed. “You can’t be serious!”

A hard look was in Adriene’s eyes as she held both his and Cassia’s gaze. “I’m deadly serious. Meredith hates me already, she even tried to get you to cut ties with me, remember? It’s perfect.”

Cassia’s first reaction had been doubt, but it took her only a moment to realize what Adriene was getting at. 

Her sister took a step closer to her before she continued, “I am the obvious choice, and you know it. I’m openly opposing the templars, close enough to you to potentially have power over you… and remember that morning when she came for an unannounced visit? We were clearly in disagreement over her presence and involvement in Mom’s murder. It’s a child’s game for you to play that up into something more sinister.”

Adriene was right. As Cassia thought it through, it was almost frightening to see the many possibilities she could spin this into something believable. A good lie should always stay close to the truth, Varric had always claimed. It just so happened that their truths seemed to have quite the potential to twist them into something awful. Like turning Adriene’s devotion and her protectiveness into something controlling and stifling. Something she had to escape. Just like it would be easy enough to take her relationship with Cullen, full of warmth and support, and make it look like something else entirely. The simple twist of him taking her magic for his sake and not her own would paint a decidedly different picture.

A bitter laugh lodged in her throat as Cassia realized just how thin the barriers between everything in her life being great and everything being absolutely awful were. There had been a time when she had genuinely been afraid of Adriene, after all. Just like there had been a time when Cullen was worried sick about making her feel he was abusing his power just because of how things might look to other people. The irony of these things being the ones that could now very well save her was almost painful.

“It could work,” she said slowly, still running through the many things she could turn into something supporting this particular story in her mind. There was one thing she couldn’t quite ignore though, and she looked at Adriene with a grave expression. “It would paint a huge target on your back.”

Adriene shrugged, a dry smile on her lips. “More than I already have? Meredith sees me as a disturbing influence and a thorn in her side already. And still, she hasn’t moved against me so far because of the standing we have and managed to enforce. That will not change.”

“We’d have to be openly opposing each other when it comes to matters pertaining to the city,” Cassia added thoughtfully. Everything pointed to Adriene being absolutely right, but she couldn’t quite quell her worry. “Meredith isn’t the only one who has to believe this charade.”

“We’d have to do more than that,” Adriene said quietly. The words hang heavy in the air between them, and Adriene swallowed before continuing, “Even if she lets you live outside the Circle, we’d have to stop seeing each other.”

Cassia stared at her with burning eyes, unable to give words to the raging storm of dread inside her. Adriene looked like she almost had to force herself to talk. 

“If I was the one keeping you from giving yourself up to the Circle as the Maker intended it, you can no longer associate with me after you finally did the right thing. There is no justification to keep my company afterward or, Andraste forbid, let me close to your child.” Her voice was raspy as she added, “We’d have to be opponents in everything.”

Cassia swallowed as she nodded slowly. Adriene was absolutely right in that regard as well. Her throat felt dry and her stomach clenched painfully at the mere thought. 

“We can make it work,” she whispered, her eyes finding Adriene’s. “It will only be for show, we will find a way to meet in secret!” It would be easier, more secure for all of them not to, but cutting ties with Adriene, no matter if it was only an elaborate game of pretend, was not at all an option in her mind.

Adriene reached for Cassia’s hand, holding it tightly as she nodded. “Of course we will,” she said softly. 

They had to, Cassia thought fiercely. Because there was simply no alternative.

Abruptly, Anders turned away from them and walked over to the window, staring out with arms crossed before his chest. Both of them watched him unhappily, and Cassia saw the tension in his shoulders. She had a good idea of what he felt right now. Another family torn apart by the Circle. Another family making plans and promises they would probably not be able to keep.

“Anders,” she started carefully, and with a deep breath, he turned back towards them.

“Alright,” he said somewhat tonelessly, a hard line to his mouth. “We have no more time to lose if we have to get everything into Cullen’s office tonight and plant the evidence at a few key places. You said you have until dawn, so let’s get going.”

Cassia nodded, taking the pile of papers up again, showing Anders the key points and things she had marked. “I’ve made a list of what needs to go where. It’s in the back. Also, I need you to get word to Cullen so he’ll know to play along.” It wouldn’t do to have him be surprised and endanger her plan, after all. “He won’t be happy about this, but we’ve talked about it often enough so he’ll know what to do. What to say.”

Anders nodded grimly as he carefully looked through Cassia’s diligently arranged paperwork. “Those look real,” he said, sounding impressed. “Isabela did good work.”

“She taught me a lot,” Cassia said quietly. When she had come up with the plan, she had thought that all she needed to know was how to forge a few signatures. Isabela had quickly taught her better. How to age a report so it looked like it had been lying around for years. How to mess it up just enough so it looked used. How to take older documents and manipulate them to support her cause. Cassia couldn't have done even a fraction of this without her.

“Tell Isabela I’m grateful,” she said, holding back the tears that threatened to spill over at the thought that she might not see any of her friends before dawn. That there was no way for her to properly say goodbye.

“Or you could tell me yourself,” a voice piped up behind her. “Together with an explanation for the terribly long faces you are all pulling.”

Both Cassia and Adriene turned around, surprised looks on their faces.

“Bela!” Adriene exclaimed in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

“I let myself in,” Isabela said with a casual shrug as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “I really need your help.”

“Oh no, you don’t!” shouted another voice from downstairs. Aveline. “I got here first, and my problem is an actually real one and trumps yours!”

With a lopsided grin, Isabela shrugged again. “Oh yeah, I should mention that I let in Guard-Captain Tightpants as well. But don’t listen to her, I definitely got here first, so I call dibs on your help!”

It was at that moment that Aveline appeared in the doorway. “The only reason you ‘got here first’ is that you broke in while I was knocking at the door!”

“Sore loser!” Isabela muttered under her breath before looking expectantly at both Adriene and Cassia. “So, remember how I needed that relic? I finally know where it is, and I have a limited time window to get to it.”

“That’s it?” Aveline scoffed and pushed past Isabela. “Listen. The Arishok is sheltering two fugitives who ‘converted’ to the Qun. He must be convinced to release them.”

Adriene and Cassia exchanged a look, but before either of them could say anything, Aveline continued, “He’s already feared because of Petrice. If people start to think he can ignore the law… I need your help so this doesn’t get out of hand. Specifically, I need Cassia’s help.”

Adriene crossed her arms in front of her chest and raised an eyebrow. “I feel like I should be insulted now,” she said.

Aveline just gave her an annoyed look. “Please. Everyone knows that Cassia is the one that can make the Arishok dance to her tune, not you.”

“Great!” Isabela exclaimed. “Then Adriene can help me. Come on, let’s go!” She shouldered past Aveline and grabbed Adriene by the wrist.

“Now, wait just a moment!” Adriene pulled her hand back, stopping her friend in her tracks, and gave Isabela a confused look. “What’s this about?”

Before Isabela answered, Anders laid a hand on Cassia’s arm. “I’m going to take care of what we talked about,” he said quietly, the papers she had shown him in his hands. “I’ll find you later.”

“Don’t leave yet,” Cassia shook her head. “There is one more thing I need to talk to you about.”

He frowned, but then his eyes widened. “Ah. Right,” he nodded. Isabela looked between the two of them. “I really want to know what in the Seas is going on, but first, we need to take care of the relic. Are you coming or not?”

“The Arishok—” Aveline said again, this time more loudly, but Bela lost her patience.

“I’m going to die!” she called out, making the other three women stop in their tracks. “Alright? How is that for a ‘real problem’?”

For a moment, everything seemed too much. Cassia felt lost in between the voices filling up the room and the never-ending wave of desperation that clawed at her without pause. But when Isabela went into an explanation about her dire situation, something inside her settled. 

She could do nothing more than what they had prepared. All Cassia could do at this moment was wait until everything was in place. Something that seemed nearly impossible to do. But there were her friends, they needed help, and Cassia latched onto it like onto a lifeline. This was something she could do. One last time perhaps. 

“Alright,” she said, a sudden clarity in her voice that made everyone stop talking instantly as they looked at her. “You both need help, and luckily you both need one of us, so we don’t have to have to fight over who is first or any of that nonsense.”

Both Adriene and Anders looked at her with something painful in their eyes, and Adriene let out a sigh. “You don’t have to, Cass. I can take care of both issues, I’ll make it work. If you want to go home…”

But Cassia only shook her head. “I’ve done all I can. Said and did what I wanted to do. I can’t sit around and wait for something to happen now, I need to _do_ something!” Cassia knew that if she let herself rest and gave herself time to think now it would only lead to more pain. 

“Adriene can help Isabela with the relic, and I can come with you to the Qunari Compound,” she said firmly, looking at Aveline who gave her a satisfied nod. 

“Then let’s not lose any more time,” Aveline interjected. “Let’s go!”

“One moment!” Cassia held up her hand. “I need to take care of one last thing.” With that, she turned to Anders, putting her hand on his arm and nudged him to follow her just outside the room. When they were far enough for her to whisper without being overheard, she stopped. “That other thing we talked about, did you find something out?”

Anders shook his head. “Not possible. I looked into everything I could find. No matter how well we’d fake it, it would never pass a test with an actual templar.”

Cassia closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath. Of course nothing, not even the smallest detail about this would be easy. When she opened them again, she ground her teeth before fixing Anders with a chilling look. “Alright, we’ll do the real thing then.”

She could see from the tension in his jaw that he hated the idea more than any other she had come to him with before. “You know how I feel about this,” he said lowly, and Cassia felt her heart clench at the thought of asking something that made him so clearly uncomfortable. But she had no choice.

“It will happen anyway. This can give me a chance,” she said imploringly. “How much preparation do you need?”

“I hate this!” Anders mumbled before squaring his shoulders. “I have everything prepared and ready to go in the clinic,” he said, the disdain still clearly audible in his voice. 

At Cassia’s surprised look, he sighed, a strained smile on his face. “I said I don’t like this, that doesn’t mean I won’t help you with everything I can.”

Cassia felt a lump in her throat, unable to respond for a moment as she hastily blinked away the beginnings of hot tears.

“Alright, we’re good to go,” she called out a moment later before her feelings had any chance to overwhelm her. “Aveline, I’ll meet you at the compound, I need to make a very brief detour through the clinic, but it won’t take long.”

“What is actually happening?” The question came from Isabela who gave her a curious look as she, Adriene, and Aveline joined them again. “Something is wrong, isn’t it?”

With a quiet sigh, Cassia lamented their friend’s perceptiveness. Of course Isabela would pick up on something being off now of all moments.

“What isn’t wrong,” she muttered before nodding. “Nothing we can fix right now, we can tell you later.”

Adriene pulled Cassia in an unceremonial hug. “We’ll meet afterward, alright? We’ll still have some time.”

Cassia just nodded, then she let go of her. “Alright. Let’s do this.”

Aveline cleared her throat. “I’ll go get Fenris and meet you at the compound then. He’s been helpful with the Qunari before.” She gave them a short nod and hurried down the stairs.

“Och, I wanted to ask him to come,” Bela pouted. “Oh, well. We’ll pass The Hanged Man anyway, Varric and Merrill will surely join us. Come on, seagull, I bet you five silver we’re done before Guard-Captain Tightpants.” And with that, she grabbed Adriene’s hand and started to pull her towards the stairs.

“I’ll see you later,” Adriene said with a raspy voice before she followed their friend, leaving Anders and Cassia behind. 

* * *

As they hurried through Hightown towards the stairs to Lowtown, she was in both parts glad to be able to have something to do instead of sitting around and waiting for the inevitable and devastated that she couldn’t spend time with Cassia. But they’d see each other before the morning, she promised herself. And Adriene would spend the next day with Maia as long as she still could.

They found both Merrill and Varric in The Hanged Man and quickly continued to the Lowtown foundry where Isabela’s contact was supposed to be.

That was where it all started to go to the Void.

“What are the Qunari even doing here?” Adriene winced, getting up from where she had been thrown to the side by a shield bash. _Shit._ That was going to hurt the next day.

Isabela wiped her daggers on her trousers, nudging one of the dead Qunari that had attacked them with her foot.

“Er… yes. About that,” she said with fake lightness in her voice. “The relic belongs to the Qunari.”

“What?!” Adriene stared at Isabela, not quite believing what she heard. 

Isabela did not quite meet her eyes as she admitted, “... yes. And there’s a small chance they want it back.”

“Ah, Rivaini,” Varric muttered, shaking his head. “Have you seen the Qunari? Do they look like the sharing type to you? Of course they want it back.”

Isabela sighed. “I’ve always known what the relic was.” Now she looked back at Adriene, waiting until she met her eyes. “I just didn’t want to… worry you.”

“You’re the picture of kindness,” Varric grumbled.

Isabela shot him a look before she continued to elaborate, “The relic is a book, handwritten by that philosopher of theirs. Keslun… Cousland… whatever his name is.”

“Koslun,” Adriene provided with a hollow note to her voice. Fenris had told her enough about the Qunari customs that it had stuck.

Bela nodded. “I stole it from them, they followed me here to reclaim it, and it’s why they’re still in Kirkwall.” There was a strange look on Isabela’s face as she spoke. Relief that she was finally getting it off her chest, and at the same time, there was something like fear in her eyes as she looked at Adriene. 

Merrill sucked in a sharp breath, eyes wide. “They can’t leave the Free Marches without it...”

Isabela nodded.

Adriene still had a hard time wrapping her head around the whole situation. This changed… everything. Not only had Isabela lied all this time when she had said that she did not know what the relic was, she had also stood by while Cassia and Adriene had risked their necks in their talks with the Arishok and chose not to share that rather vital part of information. Isabela had stood by while people _died_ when she could have sent the Qunari packing years ago.

And here she was, having thought that Isabela was the person who always had her back, who, when it mattered, always came out with the truth, even if it was ugly. Like that evening in the harbor, when Bela had told her that she couldn’t be with her. Like that night after her mother’s death when she had refused Adriene.

Turned out that her love of harsh truthfulness only went so far.

“So, the whole story, the storm both you and the Qunari were caught in, was all a lie?” she asked more harshly than intended.

“Not all of it,” Bela said with a crooked smile. “The storm was half the story. The other half was a Qunari dreadnought stuck to my behind like a bad rash, spitting fire and thunder at me.”

Adriene just shook her head. “How could you?” she asked disbelievingly. 

Isabela’s shoulders sank, but she immediately squared them again, gesturing towards the foundry. “Look. The relic is in that building. And I’m not going to let it slip away again!” She turned back to Adriene, taking a small step towards her.

It was only now that Adriene realized Isabela had a piece of fabric wound around her arm, a dark red into which an intricate black pattern was woven. The red of the Hawke/Amell crest. A blazingly hot feeling burned inside her at the sight, closing around her heart, and for a moment, she found it hard to breathe.

Isabela didn’t seem to notice, continuing before Adriene had a chance to ask where she got it from, “It’s the only thing that’ll get Castillon off my back. Please. Tell me you’ll give the relic to me.”

Adriene tore her eyes from the armband back to meet Isabela’s eyes. Bela’s gaze was pleading, uncertain, and something in Adriene softened, even as her thoughts raced. The disappointment and insecurity was still there, heavy and black… and yet. She had seen the unspoken emotion, the plea in Isabela's eyes. And she _knew_ that Bela had had her back all this time — except with the Qunari. But then, she had always been straightforward about not wanting anything to do with them. That red band around Isabela's arm seemed to beckon to her; and Adriene felt like the weight of the whole world was lying on her chest, slowly slipping off as she came to a decision.

“Alright,” she murmured and let out a long, heavy breath before clearing her throat and giving her a nod. “It’s yours. The Arishok doesn’t know where it is, and your life depends on it. We’ll find a way to deal with the Qunari.”

Isabela stared at her. “Really?” she finally managed before shaking her head, her eyes shimmering suspiciously. “I… I wasn’t expecting that. It’s nice to have someone on my side for once.”

“For once?!” Adriene sputtered at the same time that Merrill exclaimed, “Hey, I have your back all the time!”

Varric just shook his head. “Come on, Rivaini, really?” he said gruffly.

A smile played in the corner of Bela’s lips as she looked at her friends. Then she shook herself, shrugged, and said with a motion towards the house, “Come on. We have no more time to lose.”

She kept close to Adriene as they walked in. Maybe it was that which lured Adriene into a false sense of security, into imagining the bond between them was still as strong as ever.

The illusion was roughly shattered when Isabela ran after Wall-Eyed Sam and the blighted relic, leaving them alone to defend themselves against both Tevinter mages and Qunari at the same time.

"Isabela!" Adriene called after her, but the pirate was already gone, leaving her wide-eyed with disbelief and with the feeling of something in her soul being frayed and ripped. 

"Shit," Varric cursed; and then, they said nothing more as the fight swapped over to them.

“No more fights tonight, alright?” Adriene groaned once it was over, wiping a streak of blood from her face, not caring whether it was hers or from one of the dead people around her. “All I wanted to do tonight was have too much food and drink the rest of the wine once the nobles were gone, not the second healing potion in a row. Fuck.”

“Hawke, there’s still blood across your nose,” Merrill chimed while Varric collected his crossbow bolts.

“Oh, whatever,” Adriene said carelessly, taking a still intact potion bottle from the belt of one of the Tevinter mages and chugging the contents down. Its effects raced through her body with the searing, sizzling heat that the potent magic imbued in it carried, and she clenched her teeth as she felt several cuts across her body closing and itching, the low pain of the various bruises dulling.

Varric had a grim look on his face as he came up towards them. “Are you alright?” he asked.

Adriene nodded. “I’ll live,” she said. “Come on, let’s see if Isabela caught up with Wall-Eyed Sam, then we can finally put this whole business behind us.”

It did not take long for them to find him.

“Over there!” Merrill called, and they hurried over to the bloody body just outside. “That’s Wall-Eyed Sam,” the elf said as she straightened again, looking around. “But where’s Isabela?”

Very slowly, Adriene took the piece of paper that had been placed on the body. A dark feeling was inside her as she opened it and read it, making her limbs heavy as she read the words over and over again. With every word, there seemed to seep a bit more feeling out of her.

_—_

_Hawke,_

_I have the relic, and I am gone. I'm sorry it has to be this way. You've been a loyal ally, but this is best for us both. You promised me the relic, and I know you'll fight Castillon for me, but I don't want this. I've dragged you too far into this mess already._

_You don't have to forgive me, but I hope you understand._

_Isabela_

—

Her breath left her in a choked groan as a part of her shattered into tiny pieces. There was a little bloodstain on the paper, probably from Wall-Eyed Sam. His body was lying in a heap, the blood dripping onto the ground still warm, the gaping wound on his neck an angry red.

_No._

This couldn’t be true. Not Isabela. Not her, too.

Isabela was her best friend, she was the one who was always there, without judgment, having her back, no ifs, ands, or buts. She couldn’t be gone! Not now, not when they were finally close to being back to what they used to be, where Isabela always had a cheeky smile, a tease, a drink, a… 

_Of course._

Adriene closed her eyes for a second, the letter crumbling in her fist. Isabela was also the one who had always made sure that everyone knew that everything was just a game to her. The fights and softness, the kisses and touches, the laughter and discussions, the long nights. Nothing serious, just fun and games. _‘I’m not one for anything lasting, Hawke. I cannot be who you need me to be.’_ Adriene suddenly felt a cold hand close around her heart.

She could’ve known.

She _should’ve_ known.

Then why did she suddenly feel like someone pulled the rug from under her?

The answer came to her nearly immediately. Probably because she knew in her heart that she was at fault for this. Somewhere along the line, she had made a mistake. What had it been that Isabela had said just before she had run off? That someone _for once_ had her back? If that was how Isabela felt, Adriene couldn’t really condemn her for running. It seemed like she had failed to provide one of her closest friends with even the bare minimum of feeling safe. If only she had shown more clearly that she had Isabela’s back no matter what, even if Bela didn’t share her feelings. If only… 

A hand was on her shoulder, interrupting her trail of thoughts, and Adriene remembered to breathe, blinking quickly to come back to the present.

“Adriene.”

That was Varric. Adriene peeled her eyes off the letter and wordlessly gave it to him. There was worry in his eyes as he looked at her, then he took the crumpled piece of parchment with a frown and started to read.

“What’s this?”

“Isabela left me. Us. Left _us_ ,” Adriene hastily corrected herself. “She took the relic and left for good.”

“Dammit,” Varric murmured, going over the letter.

“What? Why would she do that?” Merrill cut in, her eyes wide.

Adriene’s face was hard. “Because she finally got the thing she was here for. She looked for the relic these last years, and now that she has her hands on it, she’ll go and give it to Castillon, and then, she’ll get her ship back and be a captain again. That’s all she ever wanted, after all. All she ever cared for.”

“Don’t,” Varric said quietly and shook his head. “Don’t do that to yourself, Twirly.”

Adriene just shrugged, putting on an air of carelessness. “I’m just saying it how it is.”

Merrill shook her head, disbelief in her face. “No, that can’t be! She still wanted to teach me Wicked Grace!”

Adriene gave Merrill a lopsided smile. “Don’t worry, Merrill. I’ll teach you. Isabela cheats anyway.”

The elf nodded after a moment with an incredibly sad look in her eyes, and Adriene took her hand to give it a little squeeze. When Varric tried to give her the letter back, she ignored his outstretched hand and took a deep breath, pushing her emotions deep down. They didn’t make a difference anyway.

“Alright, let’s go and see if we can find Cassia, Fenris, and Aveline, shall we?” she asked, her voice strained and hard. “Maybe we can be of help there. Nothing we can do here anymore.”

Varric sighed, then he folded the letter carefully and put it into his pocket before he nodded. “The compound is—“ _that way_ , he wanted to add, but he never finished the sentence.

All three of them perked up in shock as the sudden noise of fighting wafted through the streets towards them, faint screams, and the unmistakable angry hiss of something going up in flames, followed by more screams, and the sounds of metal on metal.

 _Shit_.

It took them only a second to fall into a run.

* * *

Cassia had wanted nothing more than a distraction from what was going on, but after half an hour of heated debate in the Qunari compound, she understood the true meaning of being careful what to wish for. It didn’t take long for things to fall apart after that. 

It was a peculiar combination of things Cassia saw when she looked at the Arishok. Regret paired with utter relief on his face as he declared his intentions to take over the city by force. 

“Move, now!” she shouted at Fenris and Aveline who thankfully reacted instantly. They barely made it out of the compound as the fighting around them started in earnest, and Cassia realized that every single Qunari had been absolutely prepared for this — and they hadn’t.

Cassia cursed as she staggered briefly on their way out of the harbor district. She had picked up an ill-balanced, one-handed sword in the chaos, trying her best to be of help to Fenris and Aveline and not become a hindrance that weighed them down. It took only a single encounter to almost make her regret that though as her arm started to hurt fiercely from her tries to defend herself. No matter how much she had practiced those past months, a single sword really wasn’t made for blocking any kind of hit. Not to mention a hit with as much force behind it as it came from a Qunari.

Every now and then, someone got so close to her that she almost considered freezing them in place. Slowing them down at least. But even if she were in full control over her magic, being discovered to be a mage by random people on the streets would ruin every backup plan she made. 

Cassia clenched her teeth and fought on as best as she could, trying her best with her limited skills with an actual weapon. 

“I can’t believe this is actually happening,” she got out between hits, the compound lying far behind them by now. Fenris only shook his head as he came to her aid, blocking a hit meant for her with seeming ease. 

“I told you, they do not think like us.”

She couldn’t disagree. He had told her enough of his own experiences with the Qunari after all. But still, over the years and the different times she had met the Arishok, Cassia had always held on to the hope that they could reach some sort of understanding if they only tried hard enough. There were a lot of things she didn’t understand about their culture, but it had felt like there was a slow connection growing, a somewhat mutual respect. Clearly, she had been wrong. 

As they fought their way through the streets of her home, Cassia couldn't help but feel like she had let everyone down. Aveline had insisted she should come with her because she relied on Cassia’s ability to talk circles around people. And now this. If she was honest with herself, she wasn’t used to someone not being receptive to that either. A rather unusual feeling. Maybe Fenris was right, and it had been doomed from the beginning. Or maybe Cassia had simply made a mistake along the line. Maybe she had inadvertently caused all this. Had she made an already fragile situation worse by not being careful enough?

The thought filled her with new determination. They had to stop this from going any further. They had to save their city. If the Qunari were serious about their threat, and Cassia had no reason to doubt them, it was clear where they would head.

“We need to get to Hightown,” she shouted over the fighting noises. “They _will_ go after the Viscount.” The Arishok did have a couple of years to plan this, after all. He knew where the seat of power in the city was. With a grim resolution, they pressed on.

* * *

Despite being so close to the Qunari compound, Adriene, Varric, and Merrill had only come half-way there when the first group of attackers fell upon them. Adriene barely dodged a lightning bolt crackling through the air, and without thinking, she accelerated to a sprint, daggers in hands, her eyes fixed on the Sarebaas who had appeared around the corner. A Karashok tried to block her path, and she felt one of Varric’s bolts swoosh past her just as she sprung into action, slicing her blades through the Qunari’s throat before he could even bring up his defenses again after she had feigned a low attack. She did not wait for him to fall and spun around to face the next enemy, her daggers twirling. It was easy to fall into the routine of battle, into the mindlessness and accuracy needed for it, and she even welcomed it. It allowed her to push every thought of Isabela, every sting of heartbreak into the back of her mind.

There was a crackling in the air that made the hairs on her arms stand up, and another lightning bolt shot past her, exploding into a wall behind Adriene. She could feel Merrill’s magic spread through the earth beneath her feet and race towards their enemies, who started to yell in fear as thorned tendrils whipped from the ground and snaked around them. 

Adriene’s eyes widened, but when her eyes snapped back to Merrill, she saw only deadly determination in her friend’s face.

“No time to waste now, Twirly, behind you!” Varric yelled.

Adriene spun around to find the Sarebaas directly in front of her and barely managed to dodge the fireball he threw at her.

With an angry yell and a slight of feet, she was behind him, sinking her daggers into his back, hot blood spraying over her hands as the Qunari mage fell to his knees and then slumped forward.

It didn’t take them long to dispatch the rest of the Qunari, and Adriene was wiping her daggers on her trousers as Merrill and Varric hurried up to her. She gave Merrill a worried look, but the elf just shook her head.

“No time to think about templars now, Adriene, we need to help these people,” she said before Adriene had even opened her mouth, looking at a group of Kirkwallers that hurried by with panicked looks on their faces.

After a moment of hesitation, Adriene nodded, a heavy feeling dropping into her stomach.

“This was not the only Saarebas they had,” Varric interjected, nudging the dead Qunari with his foot. “Whatever magic there is, people will blame the Qunari.”

“I hope you’re right,” Adriene muttered grimly, looking down the alley towards the compound. There was a dark fear in her heart. So far, she hadn’t felt the overwhelming feeling of _wrongness_ and _danger_ she remembered from when Cassia had been close to death, so she still hoped for the best. But Cassia had been with the Arishok, and there was no telling what exactly had happened that had led to the attack.

“We need to hurry,” she said, and the other two nodded.

There was a growing stream of people running from the direction of the Qunari compound, others were trying to extinguish the fires that seemed to spread more and more quickly. The three of them didn’t stop, making their way quickly through the harbor.

But when they arrived at the compound, it was empty except for a few dead people lying on the street.

“They’re making their way towards Hightown,” Varric called, pointing towards the fire along the path up into Lowtown.

“If they’re finally going for destruction, they’ll want the Viscount’s seat,” Adriene said.

“I know a shortcut,” Merrill chimed in, and without waiting for an answer, she started to sprint into a side alley. Varric and Adriene exchanged a look, then they followed her.

Merrill led them into one of the many tunnels riddling the hills upon which Kirkwall was built and through the groups of people fleeing towards Darktown with assured ease. The shortcut brought them out just below the Hightown marketplace. Still, there were screams and sounds of fighting echoing through the streets, and they saw a group of the Guard running past them.

“Shit, this really is an outright attack,” Adriene growled. “Seems like the Arishok could no longer bear our chaos after all.”

“There they are!” Merrill called out nearly the same moment, her face lighting up, and pointed down the street where Cassia, Aveline, and Fenris hurried towards the stairs leading up into Hightown.

Relief flooded through Adriene as she saw her sister, and she rushed towards her.

“Cassia!” she called, seeing the same relief in Cassia’s eyes as she ran to meet them. “Are you all alright?” Adriene breathed and pulled her into a quick hug, her eyes finding her friends who were with her sister, lingering just a tad too long on Fenris who gave her a short nod. “What in Andraste’s name happened?”

Before Cassia could answer, Aveline snapped, “The details don’t really matter right now, do they? We need to get to the Viscount.”

Adriene drew her eyebrows together, but she couldn’t deny that Aveline was right. Everything else could wait.

“Wait, where’s Isabela?” Fenris suddenly asked as they were just about to go on.

Adriene’s eyes burned as she looked at him, and the way he paused told her that he knew immediately that something was very wrong. “She’s gone. Took the relic and fled the city,” she recounted shortly. “Turns out the relic is the Tome of Koslun… the thing the Qunari were here for. And she knew it all along.”

“What?” The shock on Fenris and Cassia’s face cut into Adriene’s heart. Aveline seemed furious, cursing violently.

“She’s the reason for all this?!” the Guard-Captain bellowed, and Adriene shot her a warning glance.

“Details don’t matter right now, remember? Let’s just go and save whoever we can. The rest can wait.”

For a second, her eyes met Fenris’, and she could feel his agitated gaze going straight to her heart. Without thinking about it, she reached for his hand, a silent, short moment of shared pain before they let go again. Cassia laid her hand on her arm, and Adriene gave her sister a grateful nod.

“The rest can wait,” she repeated and reached for her daggers. “Let’s—” _go,_ she wanted to say, but just as she wanted to draw her weapons, she felt the wetness on her hand. With a frown, she looked down at her hand. Dark red blood coated her fingers, and her eyes widened.

“Are you hurt, Twirly?” Varric asked as he followed her gaze, worry in his voice.

The others paused, but Adriene shook her head. “No. This is not mine.” It took her only a second to realize who else had held her hand just a moment ago, and her head snapped up to look at Fenris. His eyebrows were drawn together, and it was only now that she noticed the pallor of his lips.

And the blood dripping from his arm.


	28. Prelude in Violence

“It’s nothing,” Fenris insisted, not for the first time, but Adriene ignored him, carefully opening the buckles of his armor to get to the wound beneath. Cassia had made him sit down and hovered on his other side, watching carefully as Adriene opened the last buckle. A sharp hiss of pain fell from Fenris’ lips as she pulled the armor off his arm to reveal the gambeson beneath. Its cloth was soaked and dark with blood.

A deep gash was on Fenris’ shoulder where a blade had managed to penetrate his armor. A dark fear swirled in Adriene’s belly at the sight of just how much blood there was still pulsing from it. 

“This is not nothing, Broody,” Varric said darkly as he saw it, fumbling another health potion from their meager supply off his belt. “The one time we need Anders he’s Maker knows where.”

Adriene and Cassia exchanged a wordless look that spoke volumes, and Adriene swallowed hard to keep the fear inside her from turning to panic. The mention of Anders brought back just how much was currently at stake. With what was happening, she had nearly forgotten what awaited them in the morning… unless they were lucky and the Qunari killed Oswald.

“Stop fussing, Varric, we don’t have time for this,” Fenris growled, pushing the potion aside. “I’ll just put a bandage on it.”

“ _You_ are not doing anything,” Cassia said sharply, already getting a bandage out.

“He’s right, we don’t have time for this,” Aveline interjected grimly. “We need to get to the Viscount!”

Bristling, Adriene turned towards the Guard Captain. If Aveline thought she would leave Fenris’ side now, she was sorely mistaken. She would not abandon him! She wouldn’t lose another loved one. Kirkwall be damned.

“I won’t—” she started with a growl to her voice, but Merrill interrupted her, laying a hand on her shoulder.

“You two take care of Fenris, Varric, and I will go with Aveline,” she said softly. Aveline huffed something under her breath that sounded decidedly unfriendly, but she did not contradict Merrill who ignored her muttering. “We’ll meet you at the Keep,” Merrill added. Her green eyes fixed sharply on Fenris. “All of you.”

“I’m not taking orders from witches,” Fenris grumbled, but there was no heat behind it.

Merrill just smiled. “Good thing there’s no witch around then,” she said with a wink.

Aveline was already impatiently pacing at the stairs towards the Marketplace, immediately starting to climb them as soon as Varric and Merrill turned towards her.

“Can’t you help him?” Adriene asked Cassia pleadingly as she saw the bandage getting soaked already. The fear for Fenris was an ice-cold lump in her stomach, and she felt horribly helpless as she saw Fenris bite his lip to keep a sound of pain in. Her sister sucked in a sharp breath, but Adriene didn’t let up. “Please, Cass, you’ve been working with Anders for months now. I know you can do it!”

Cassia tried to keep her breathing under control as her sister’s words rang through her head. What Adriene was asking was impossible. She had no training. Nothing of the fine and delicately measured control Anders always exhibited when he worked his healing magic. Cassia had learned the very basics of healing in her youth. Back in the day when her father had been training both her and Bethany. The visceral memory of her father telling her that she would need to be calmer if she’d actually want to help anyone and not make things worse was almost paralyzing for a moment.

Helplessly, she looked from Fenris to Adriene and back.

“I don’t…” she whispered, not quite knowing what she wanted to say. “I have no experience and I don’t think I should…” Her voice was as shaky as her hands were.

Fenris’ eyes found hers, and she could see he tried to give her an encouraging smile, even through all the pain he was obviously in.

“Leave her alone, Adriene,” he said calmly, reaching for one of the bandages still in Cassia’s hand. “I am not _that_ hurt, and I’ll be fine like this!” The flinch on his face and the barely suppressed groan at his movement told a decidedly different story. 

Cassia’s eyes widened as she noticed Fenris was shaking as well. She couldn’t tell if it was from his injuries or from the sheer force of will he put into looking like it was fine, but it didn’t matter. Not when the bandage she had just pressed onto the wound was soaked through and dark with blood already. 

Adriene was just in time to steady him when his strength suddenly seemed to fail him. Carefully, she held him, helping him to lean against the wall as Cassia hurried along with the second bandage.

“We need to do something,” Adriene said, imploring Cassia to listen to her. Cassia could see the cold fear in her eyes. “Or he will bleed out.”

Instinctively, Cassia had pressed the other bandage down onto the wound in an attempt to slow down the bleeding.

“Shit,” she muttered, finding Fenris’ eyes. “I don’t know if I can. What if I do something wrong? What if I hurt you…”

Fenris’ dry snort turned into a cough as he tried to keep his head upright. “The way this feels it can’t get much worse…” 

“Helpful, really,” Cassia mumbled back. 

Next to her, Adriene snapped.

“Cassia, please! Listen to me!” There was a hand of Cassia’s shoulder as her sister spoke in a frighteningly calm but determined voice. “You can do this! You know all the theory and you have the power to help him.” Adriene’s hand squeezed her shoulder lightly in assurance. When Cassia looked at her sister, she was surprised just how much she felt and sounded like Anders in this moment. The same quiet authority, the same seemingly unwavering assurance that she, Cassia, could do what they asked of her. 

For a moment, Cassia closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. If she did nothing now, if she would yet again let her fear rule over her decisions, she would never forgive herself. She knew that much. Tomorrow, she might not be around anymore to do even the slightest bit of good for those she loved. But today, she was still here, and she would do anything, try anything to keep all of them safe. With new-found determination, she opened her eyes and nodded.

“Alright. I’ll try my very best, but I got to warn you, Fenris, I have no experience here, it might hurt.” There was no more shakiness in her voice as she went to take the bandages off the wound and slowly let her magic reach out in a way she had seen and felt Anders do so many times before.

“I doubt healing magic can outdo a stab wound in that regard,” Fenris muttered under his breath, managing to smile weakly at her, and Cassia felt the need to hug him for trying to make her feel better in this situation. When he was the one slumped on the ground in pain. Adriene had relaxed ever so slightly next to her from the moment Cassia had said she would try, but her hand hadn’t left Cassia’s shoulder.

Cassia had never been more grateful for her sister’s presence and for the way they sometimes seemed to communicate without words. The steady pressure on her shoulder, the light squeeze telling her ‘you can do this’ and ‘I believe in you’ without Adriene having to say anything out loud was like a lightning rod, drawing all the fear and uncertainty away, leaving behind only the calm assurance and strength she needed. The noise of the fighting around them, the smell of burning houses and the distant screams of people being attacked drifted away as she focused on Adriene’s hand.

Cassia closed her eyes as she let the magic flow from her fingertips, gently prodding, feeling around for the center of the injury. The moment it came in contact with Fenris, she could feel him tense slightly, but he kept still under her ministrations. It was a strange sensation, Cassia realized. Like she could feel his essence, something that was so uniquely Fenris, just as much as she could feel his solid, physical form under her touch. Gradually, her magic was letting her feel him as he was supposed to be, just as it showed her the part that felt wrong. Everything she had ever learned or heard about healing floated to the back of her mind, a soothing hum of background noise as she found the broken threads that lingered at the edge of his pain and started weaving them back together. 

She wasn’t sure just how long it took her. She kept her eyes closed, trying to feel more than see what she needed to do until the very last bit of frayed, edged wrongness was gone, and she felt only the strong, soothing rhythm of Fenris’ pulse beating in sync with her magic. Carefully, she took her hands away as she pulled herself out of the moment. She had expected to be worried about having succeeded or not or having hurt Fenris even more in the process. But the calm from earlier persisted as she now looked at him, knowing with absolute certainty that he would be fine. A slow smile spread over her face at the realization that he was no longer in danger, and she sank against Adriene for a moment, taking in a deep breath of relief.

“I did it!”

“Of course you did,” Adriene murmured, desperately trying to hold back tears of relief that had replaced the freezing fear inside her. She pulled Cassia into a tight hug and gave her a smile. “I did not doubt you for a second.”

As she said it, she realized it was true. Despite every moment she had seen Cassia doubt herself, despite the many times she had witnessed something going wrong, deep within herself she had the unwavering certainty that Cassia was not only a good mage, but a _great_ one. If she only found the courage to trust herself and the incredible power she wielded.

“Thank you so much,” Adriene whispered in her sister’s ear, then she let go of her and focused back on Fenris. As she pulled the edge of the torn gambeson aside, she could still see the thin line of where the skin had knitted together under Cassia’s magic. She knew from experience that it would still be sensitive for a few days.

“Maybe we should still put a bandage over it,” she murmured, carefully letting her fingertips wander over the skin, only stopping when Fenris put his hand on hers.

“I am _fine_ , Adriene,” he said in a low voice before he smiled at Cassia. “Thank you. I will remember to come to you in the future instead of Anders.” 

“Anders comes with less scarring and much more certainty you’ll feel better afterwards,” Cassia murmured quietly, looking away from Fenris. She looked like she didn’t quite know just how to deal with the praise. From the hint of uncomfortableness on Cassia’s face, Adriene had a pretty good idea where her mind was going, and she quickly took her hand to give her a reassuring squeeze.

Fenris’ chuckled slightly. “Anders also comes with a long lecture about being more careful each time,” he grunted, slightly stretching his shoulder to test out just how much range of movement he had before the lingering soreness became too great.

Cassia snorted at his words. “And you think I wouldn’t tell you to be careful?” 

“Unlike Anders, you usually know there is a time and a place for lectures,” Fenris pointed out, and Adriene could barely hide her grin.

Especially when Cassia narrowed her eyes at his continued attempts to put strain on the freshly healed wounds. “Like right now, when I have to tell you to _stop doing that!_ ”

At her stern tone, Fenris gave her an apologetic smile before getting up. Adriene did not leave his side, ready to support him should he need it, barely holding herself back from simply reaching for him. Despite the overwhelming relief that Cassia had managed to save him, she couldn’t completely shake the lingering worry. She carefully watched as he came to stand on his own, still slightly shaky but no longer looking like he would fall over any moment now. 

And not a moment too soon. The second he stood, Adriene spun around at the sudden noise behind them, just in time to see a group of Qunari soldiers advancing right on them.

“Shit,” she cursed, drawing her knives again. It felt like a knot was in her stomach as she realized that neither Fenris and Cassia were at their best, _could_ not be at their best with one just healed from his injury, and the other unable to use her magic in the fight.

But there was no time to think, no time to worry as the Qunari attacked without hesitation. Adriene tried to shield both Cassia and Fenris as best she could from the incoming blows, using every bit of agility and speed she could muster to jump from one target to the next, slashing throats and slicing tendons. Maybe it was that which made her overlook the Saarebas coming up behind them just as the last attacker fell with a gurgling sound under Cassia’s sword.

“Adriene!” she heard her sister call out, a hint of panic to her voice, but before she could even turn, a powerful lightning bolt threw them all back.

With a dull, painful _thud_ , Adriene hit the pavement, knocking the breath out of her. For a too-long, horrible second, she couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, black dots dancing in front of her eyes. Then her breath rushed back, together with the pain, and she gasped. Next to her, she could see Fenris and Cassia already trying to get up. Fenris was already grabbing his weapon, gritting his teeth.

Blinking furiously, Adriene looked around for her weapons, her eyes focused again. But before she could locate them, she caught sight of the Saarebas coming to stand before them. As she looked up at him, she knew it was too late. Already, the hairs on her arms rose as electricity started to gather in his palms, tiny lightning bolts flickering through the air. 

For a moment, Cassia couldn’t breathe as she hurried to get back up, watching Adriene struggling to do the same. Her grip around her sword tightened as everything in her urged her to jump at the attacker. Next to her, Fenris was just as tense. His weapon looked heavy in his hand, the obvious weakness from his injury still showing, and Cassia could see from the way his eyes flickered back and forth between Adriene and the Qunari that he, too, was going through their options in his head. Wondering if he could make a run at their opponent and dodge the magic attacks at the same time.

Cassia was certain that he knew as well as she did that their chances were atrocious. She had held back all the way through Lowtown, being beyond careful to not use any magic. It would ruin any chance she still had of coming out of this on top if she would be discovered as a mage just hours before she could enact their plan. But what good would her plan be if none of them were even around anymore? She wasn’t even certain that her magic could actually help, but she would have to try. Maybe the many times Anders had made her do protection spells would pay off after all.

As she felt the air around them crackling with renewed tension, she saw the Saarebas move, lifting his hands. Adriene was still struggling to get up, and Cassia felt the panic rising in her. That first hit had looked brutal already, there was no way to tell how much her sister was already hurt. All Cassia knew was that a second hit could be disastrous. And before Cassia could think better of it, she rushed forward, clutching the almost useless sword like a lifeline in her hands as she put herself in between them. 

She could hear Fenris shouting, could see him move towards her and Adriene from the corner of her eye as her hairs stood up from the electrical currents in the air. She could do this. Either her protection spell would work or she would take the full brunt of the Saarebas’ next attack herself. In the end, Cassia realized it made little difference as she got ready to let the magic flow. Either way, Adriene would be safe.

Before she could do anything, however, the sudden gasp of the Qunari made her freeze in her tracks, watching in shock as the tip of a sword burst through his flesh and out of his chest right in front of her. The magic that had built up in his hands dissipated immediately as their foe stilled for a second before sinking lifelessly to the ground. Before his knees even hit the floor, the sword was pulled out, and with a hissing swipe through the air, it came down on his neck.

Cassia stared in shock at Meredith, who almost casually put her weapon away. As if she hadn’t just effortlessly decapitated a man almost twice her size. 

“Knight-Commander, you have impeccable timing,” Cassia breathed out, unable to keep the relief out of her voice. Part of her was glad that she didn’t even have to act for this sentiment. 

“So it would seem,” Meredith answered with a raised eyebrow. “Are you injured? You shouldn’t be out on the streets during such a time.”

Cassia swallowed at the genuinely concerned sounding tone. 

“Believe me, I wish I wasn’t,” she said as she turned around and reached for Adriene, helping her to get up and steady herself. It hadn’t escaped her attention that the Knight-Commander didn’t seem concerned about Adriene’s state. Nor that she even acknowledged her presence. “I am fine, but I was in the compound when the Arishok decided he had enough,” she went on to explain, her grip on Adriene still tight. “We were trying to reach the Viscount’s Keep before him. I think that is his goal.”

“I think we missed that opportunity,” Fenris said darkly, coming to stand next to them. He nodded towards the Hightown market where they could see several Qunari soldiers take a group of nobles at weapon’s point towards the Keep. “They’re taking hostages. Meaning they are already in control.”

“Hostages? Why?” Adriene asked, sounding slightly strained, eying the Knight-Commander carefully. At her sister’s question, Meredith’s ice-blue eyes fixed on her, narrowing ever so slightly. Cassia still held tight onto her arm, not even letting go when Adriene gave her a gentle nudge.

“They’re going to take everyone of import and gather them at the same place to give them the opportunity to convert,” Fenris explained in that moment. “Those that do, live. The others…”

“Charming,” Meredith said with a slight sneer as he trailed off, looking towards the Marketplace before she turned back to look at Cassia. “We will need to deal with them.”

“Of course,” Cassia immediately agreed, trying to keep herself as calm as possible. She had hoped that she would get just a little bit more time before having to put on a charade for the Knight-Commander again but it looked like this day in particular would not oblige. “You know I will do all I can to help defend my home.”

“I knew you would,” Meredith nodded, a slight smile on her lips.

“We all will,” Adriene interjected, raising her chin slightly as the Knight-Commander’s eyes snapped back to her, the smile disappearing again. Adriene held her gaze with a stony face as she said in a decidedly sharp tone, “None of us will stand for any outside power overthrowing the Viscount to take control, isn’t that right, Cassia?”

Cassia could hear Fenris’ sharp intake of breath at her barely veiled animosity and allusion to Meredith’s own past of overthrowing the Viscount, but Adriene didn’t back down. For a brief second, Cassia almost froze again until she realized what her sister was doing. Her heart was racing as she took in a sharp breath, more for show than anything else. It seems both their charades were about to start right now.

“ _We_ will make certain that whatever happens is best for the city,” she said, letting a hint of her own nervousness shine through in a tremor of her voice as she let go of Adriene’s arm and took a small step away from her, putting herself closer to Meredith in the process. “And I think no one can argue with the fact that the Knight-Commander has the most experience in what that is.”

Making an effort to not look at Adriene or Fenris, Cassia turned fully towards the Knight-Commander. “Please, lead the way. I just want to help however I can.”

The way Meredith was watching both her and Adriene had an intensity behind it that almost made Cassia falter. But at her words, the other woman smiled. 

“There will be no way around a direct confrontation, what we have to do now is make sure we make it there in one piece,” Meredith said sternly. “Follow me if you truly want to help.” And with that, she turned around, starting to make her way across the market and towards the Keep. Suppressing a shudder, Cassia nodded grimly, more to herself than anyone else as she followed suit.

Adriene let them get ahead a few paces before she started to walk after Cassia and the Knight-Commander. Immediately, Fenris was at her side, hissing, “What was that?”

Keeping her eyes on the Knight-Commander to see if she turned back to see them talking, Adriene whispered quietly, “I can’t explain right now. Things have… been complicated. Trust us.”

Fenris stared at her, looking like he wanted to say something else, worry burning in his eyes. But then, he only nodded. “Alright.”

She nudged him a bit, nodding towards her sister. “Go to Cassia. She’ll need you. And it’s better to have me as the sole antagonist.”

Again, Fenris seemed to barely be able to keep the words inside but decided against saying anything else. Instead, he gave her a short nod and then hurried his steps until he was walking next to Cassia. For the briefest moment, Meredith looked back and as she saw Adriene walking alone behind them, that faint smile came again to her lips.

Adriene pressed her lips together, her fingers closing more tightly around her knives, no longer hiding the distaste she felt for the Knight-Commander behind a careful facade. In a way, it was freeing, she supposed. And yet, at the same time, she couldn’t shake that bitter cold feeling in her core at the knowledge just how deadly the game was they were playing. If anything, anything at all went wrong, Cassia could lose her life. And she, Adriene, would still have the Knight-Commander as an enemy. But now, it was too late for second thoughts. The game was set and she had made the first move. Now, all she could hope for — all they all could hope for — was that their strategy played out.

It wasn’t long until all thoughts about what would follow the next day were pushed to the far back of Adriene’s mind, though. They had not even reached the Keep when renewed sounds of fighting made them all start to run. Between the unmistakable sound of weapons clashing was the charged feeling of magic dancing in the air and the hissing sound of spells being cast.

But it was no Saarebas. Instead, they stumbled over a whole group of Circle mages fighting Qunari. Among them was Cullen with another few templars, fighting alongside the mages — and in the far back, cornered by two Stens, was Anders, barely holding the barrier around himself.

There was no time to think, no time to hesitate. The next second, they were in the midst of the fight. In unspoken understanding, Cassia kept close to Meredith who cleaved her way towards her second-in-command.

Fenris reached Anders first, a white flame streaking through the fighters, and one of the Stens fell with barely more than a sound, his heart still beating in Fenris’ fist. The other was already turning towards Fenris, his blade raised, when Adriene jumped him from behind, knives slicing neatly through his neck. With a gurgle, he fell to his knees and slumped forward.

Anders let his staff sink as Adriene came to stand before him, blades still dripping blood, and the barrier shimmered and disappeared. Fenris was at her side the next moment, giving Anders a grim nod.

“Are you alright?” she asked Anders, worry in her eyes.

Anders nodded, wiping a splatter of blood off his cheek with a deep breath. “I found Cullen in time,” he told her quickly, his gaze flickering towards the templars. “Everything is set — in case it is still needed after all this.” 

“Good,” Adriene breathed, following his eyes.

The fight was over as quickly as it had started, and as they watched, Meredith dispatched the last Qunari. Adriene had no idea what exactly it was Anders had actually done, but knowing Cassia and her extensive planning, it was an essential part of what was to come.

“What is actually going on?” Fenris asked again, drawing his eyebrows together.

Adriene hurried to say as quickly and quietly as possible, “Our hand has been forced. Cassia will—”

“Not here,” Anders interrupted her in a hushed voice. “Not now.”

He straightened slightly as he spoke, his eyes going past Adriene as his hands closed more tightly around his staff. Immediately, Adriene and Fenris turned to see Meredith walking towards them, followed closely by Cullen, Cassia, and an elven mage Adriene hadn’t seen before.

“Well fought,” Meredith said coolly. She still had her blade in her hand and made no effort to sheathe it. Instinctively, Adriene moved slightly so she stood between the Knight-Commander and Anders who had become very still. For a split second, her eyes flickered to Fenris in an unspoken plea for him to go to Cassia. But Fenris’ face was very hard as he deliberately positioned himself next to her.

“You are the Darktown apostate healer, are you not?” Meredith asked. Cullen came to stand directly next to her, his face uncharacteristically cold as he looked at Anders. 

“This is the Warden I have told you about, Knight-Commander,” he said. “Together with my people, I had taken the First Enchanter and his mages to the city to help the civilians. He joined the fight as soon as it began.”

“Were it not for him, several of my mages would be dead, Knight-Commander,” the elven mage interjected, turning so he came to stand next to Adriene. “If anything, he is to be commended.”

“So it would seem, Orsino,” Meredith said slowly, her eyes wandering from one to the other.

“Your relief about our survival overwhelms me,” the First Enchanter said snidely.

For a second, the tension in the air seemed to rise to sheer unsurmountable heights, and Adriene’s fingers closed more tightly around her knives. Surely they wouldn’t escalate things now of all times?! Involuntarily, she glanced at Cassia who met her gaze with wide eyes and a grim determination.

Then, with a quick movement, the Knight-Commander sheathed her sword, the hissing sound of the steel cutting through the air.

Adriene let out a tiny breath, looking at the First Enchanter who seemed to relax infinitesimally. When he met her gaze, she gave him a little nod before she sheathed her weapons as well. So this was Orsino, the man she had heard so much about. He was in an impossible position, shackled by the Chantry and most of the time ignored by Meredith, and still, he tried as best as he could to shield the mages in his care. Officially, he had no knowledge of the mage underground and their part in it, of course. How much he had gleaned and deducted, however, was quite another story.

“Well, _Warden_ ,” Meredith said, and Adriene’s eyes snapped back to the Knight-Commander as she addressed Anders. “It seems you were of use tonight, so I will overlook your use of magic for now. See that it stays that way.” Her eyes were hard as stone as she added a bit more quietly, “Be glad that you have an official permit to be here. Do not test me, though. Ferelden is far away.”

Before anyone had a chance to answer her, she dismissed them out of her attention and turned back to Cullen. “The time for talk is over. We must strike back, now, before it’s too late.”

“And who will lead us into this battle? You?” Orsino interjected cooly.

Adriene had to give it to him, he had guts. Her already positive impression of the man grew even more as she watched him meet Meredith’s eyes without any hint of fear.

“I will fight to defend this city as I have always done!” the Knight-Commander shot back.

“To control it, you mean! I won’t have our lives tossed to the flames to feed your vanity!” Orsino spat at her.

Meredith’s lips curled in angry disgust as she turned towards him. “Now where have I heard that line of arguing before?” she asked coldly, her eyes going from the First Enchanter to Adriene.

Adriene narrowed her eyes, but she bit back the sharp reply on her tongue, just raised her chin defiantly, holding the Knight-Commander’s gaze.

Cassia felt her heart race and her stomach turn at the pure tension in the air. It would be of no use to anyone if things escalated right here, right now, but something in both Meredith’s and Orsino’s eyes looked like it was inevitable. Something had to give, and for today, it could not come to blows. Not when it would most likely be the last thing any of them would ever do.

With a calmness she didn’t really feel, Cassia placed a hand on the Knight-Commander's arm, getting her attention as Meredith turned towards her. 

“If they want to take charge, might I suggest you let them,” Cassia murmured quietly, for Meredith’s ears only. “They’ll take the brunt of the attack, leaving those you still want standing after the fight safe to sweep in later with much less resistance.”

The look of appreciation in the Knight-Commander’s eyes sent another bout of nausea through Cassia as the other woman nodded thoughtfully. “That idea has merit. But there is no way to trust them to truly limit their magically enhanced fighting to the Qunari…”

“We’ll be right behind them, able to intervene at any point. No need for trust,” Cullen said, equally as quiet but clear enough for both Cassia and Meredith to hear him. “If we are not on the front lines, everything will be much easier to oversee.”

He looked different than he usually did, Cassia noticed. Much more detached. If she didn’t know him as well as she did, she would be hard-pressed to believe that there was any sympathy hiding behind the closed-off face and hard eyes. Not for the first time, she wondered what would have happened if they hadn’t met the way they did. But there was no time for those thoughts. Not right now. Not when the Knight-Commander gave a resolute nod in agreement.

“Alright,” she spoke louder again, addressing the First Enchanter directly. “Let’s hear your plan then and see if we can make that happen, for the good of Kirkwall.” There was still a snide undertone in her voice, but to Cassia’s relief, Meredith actually let him speak and listened closely to his plan of using magic to create a diversion for the Qunari.

Cassia could see the mixture of shock, relief, and a not too small dose of unease on both Orsino and Adriene’s face when Meredith agreed to his plan. “How unusually cooperative, Knight-Commander,” Orsino finally said, his eyes narrowed. 

“Make no mistake,” Meredith huffed, “there will be templars right behind you, so you better stick to your plan exactly.”

“Of course,” Adriene muttered, “couldn’t trust anyone else to do right by the city now, can we?”

Cassia saw Meredith bristle with anger, but before she could say anything, Cullen cut in.“Trust is good, but surveillance and close control will always be the safer, more superior tactic,” he said with a finality that made it clear that the time for planning and debating was over. He had looked at Adriene while speaking, but Cassia knew the sentiment for what it was, something carefully crafted for the Knight-Commander's benefit. 

When he turned around, their eyes met briefly, his hand hovering over where Cassia knew a pouch was hidden underneath his armor for a moment. It was enough to let her know that Anders had indeed reached him in time. Cassia pushed all thoughts of what might happen later away. For now, their problem was a much bigger one. 

“We should move, we don’t have any more time to lose,” she agreed, and with a stern nod, the Knight-Commander took charge of getting everyone into position, letting Orsino enact his distraction.

Adriene didn’t dare to meet Cassia’s eyes as they hurried up the stairs towards the Keep, keeping to the shadows. The whole charade made her feel sick to the stomach, and knowing that they would have to keep this up for Maker knew how long did not make it better. 

“Where are the others?” Anders asked in a subdued voice as they took their places between the columns lining the way to the entrance.

“Varric and Merrill went ahead with Aveline while Cassia took care of Fenris’ wound,” Adriene explained, rolling her shoulders as she watched Orsino debate with one of his mages.

“You were hurt?” Alarm was in Anders’ voice as he looked over to Fenris before his eyes fixed on his arm. “The shoulder?”

Fenris just shook his head as he adjusted the grip on his sword. “It’s nothing. Cassia healed me.”

“It was _not_ nothing,” Adriene interjected sternly. Fenris only grumbled something unintelligible. “She was amazing,” Adriene added. “Saved his life.”

Anders’ eyes widened slightly, and he looked over to Cassia who stood with Cullen and the Knight-Commander on the other side of the road. “Well done, Cassia,” he murmured, a slight smile in the corner of his lips. Then he turned back to Adriene. “And Isabela?”

Adriene exchanged a quick look with Fenris, trying not to let the raw pain in her heart show too clearly. “She found her relic and left Kirkwall,” she said in a clipped voice, then she took a breath as she saw the utter disbelief and shock in Anders’ face. “I’m sorry, Anders. I should have told you earlier. I know you were close.”

Anders didn’t seem to know what to say. But by now, the time for talking was over. The slight shimmer of a barrier laid itself around them, and Orsino calmly walked into plain sight of the dozen Qunari guarding the entrance to the Keep.

Immediately, a call to attention went through their ranks, but the First Enchanter didn’t even let them all turn towards him before the air around him began to quiver in the sudden heat gathering around him. The next second, an enormous fireball sent several Qunari flying. 

“Come and get me,” Adriene heard Orsino mutter as he threw forth a barrier blocking the first spears being thrown at him and slowly walked backward until he was behind their lines.

It took the Qunari just a few moments to charge at him — right into their trap. They fell upon the Qunari from both sides, making the fight vicious but short.

“Let’s hurry,” Meredith said, stepping over a dead Qunari, barely paying attention to the fallen. “First Enchanter, take care of the wounded. Knight-Captain, with me.”

Already, she turned away with brisk steps and walked into the Keep, followed by her templars and Cassia, who kept close to Cullen. Orsino was kneeling next to one of the other mages who held his bleeding arm with pained sounds. He gritted his teeth but offered no argument. Instead, he looked at Adriene.

“Go,” he said. “We got this.”

Anders had come to his side, now he looked at the other mage with a frown. “Are you sure?”

“Yes! Don’t let her take all the credit.”

Adriene gave the First Enchanter a short nod. “Come on,” she said to Fenris and Anders, then hurried after the Knight-Commander.

As Cassia hurried up the stairs along Cullen and Meredith and into the Keep, she caught a glimpse of a familiar figure in the corner of her eye. On the other end of the hall, organizing a small group of templars, was Ser Oswald, gesticulating wildly. He hadn’t seen them yet and while trying to look casual, Cassia moved quietly to the other side of Meredith, keeping herself a bit further from his view.

“Knight-Commander,” she said, immediately getting Meredith’s attention as they hurried through the entrance hall. “When this is over, I need to speak with you in private. On a very important matter.” 

“Is this really the right moment to be ominous?” Meredith asked, a hit of amusement on her face. She didn’t even seem out of breath, her tone sounding almost conversational, and Cassia couldn’t help but wonder just how many years of rigorous training the Knight-Commander had under her belt to make half-running in heavy armor seem that effortless.

“It’s too much to explain now, but it is about the mage underground. And what I have to say might hopefully be of help to you.” It was all Cassia dared to say at this moment, but it seemed to have the desired effect.

“Oh?” Meredith gave her a quick, appreciative look. “Getting involved and helping your husband with his work, are you?”

“Her help has been invaluable, essential even,” Cullen added from the side. In front of them, the doors to the throne room came in view, becoming bigger, more threatening looking with every step they took towards them.

“I look forward to hearing whatever it is then,” Meredith said sternly. “When this is over, of course.”

It wasn’t over nearly as quickly as any one of them had hoped. When they entered the throne room, it took them only a moment to realize that they were too late. Cassia swallowed down the bile that rose in her throat at the sight of the Viscount’s severed head rolling towards her.

She felt more than she saw Adriene and their friends come to a halt right behind them, each one of them as frozen as she was at the sight. The feeling of terror in her stomach only grew as the Arishok started to speak, each word cutting like a knife. His eyes held nothing of the curiosity and understanding she had grown so accustomed to over the past years. 

She could see the moment he saw her and Adriene. It was like he immediately lost all interest in anyone else present as he slowly walked towards them. 

“ _Shanedan,_ Hawkes, I expected you.” With an effortlessness that betrayed his immense physical power, he shouldered his massive weapon as he looked at them. “ _Maraas toh ebra-shok._ You alone are _basalit-an._ ” He gave a quick look around the full throne room, eyes wandering over the frightened people who cowered before him. “This is what respect looks like, _bas!_ Some of you will never earn it!”

“Are you certain?” Cassia answered calmly, fixing her eyes on him and pointedly ignoring everything around them as she took a step forward. “Looks a lot like fear to me if I am honest.”

“There is no difference,” the Arishok returned. 

Cassia narrowed her eyes at him. “We disagree on that then.”

“As we do on so many other things,” he agreed. “But tell me, Hawke: You know I am denied Par Vollen until the Tome of Koslun is found.” He tilted his head in a clear challenge. “How would you see this conflict resolved without it?”

Adriene made a few steps until she stood next to Cassia. “The tome is no longer in Kirkwall,” she said sharply. “I _suggest_ you take your search for it out of the city.”

The Arishok seemed unfazed. “The time for leaving has long passed,” he said, a growl to his voice. “Too long have I suffered the misery you all leave in your wake.” Again, his eyes swept in disgust over the gathered humans. “You are blind. I will make you see.”

Just at that moment, the sounds of a fist hitting a face and the pained grunt of one of the Qunari guards made them all turn to the door. The next second, the guard stumbled back and fell heavily to the floor. 

Adriene sucked in a sharp breath, her eyes widening and her heart doing a flip as she saw who walked in, a heavy, leather-bound book beneath her arm.

“Alternatively,” Isabela said offhandedly and stepped carelessly over the groaning Qunari, “you just take your precious relic and leave us blind. We’re quite happy that way.”

Adriene could only stare in disbelief as Isabela came to stand between her and Cassia, a dangerous joy surging through her as Bela gave her a wink.

“I’m sure you’ll find it mostly undamaged,” Isabela said to the Arishok and handed him the book.

“The Tome of Koslun,” the Arishok said in a stunned voice. For a long second, he just stared at the book, reverence in his eyes, then he turned to one of his men, handing it over.

Isabela ignored him, giving Cassia a smile before she said to Adriene, “It took me a while to get back, what with all the fighting everywhere. You know how it is.”

“Heroic acts of sacrifice? What will people say?” Adriene joked, still somewhat dazed. Bela’s smile widened.

“This is your damned influence, Hawke!” she complained good-naturedly. “I was halfway to Ostwick before I knew I had to turn back. It’s pathetic.”

The Arishok turned back towards them, pinning the three women before him with a stern glare. “The relic is reclaimed!” he pronounced. “I am now free to return to Par Vollen. _With_ the thief.”

Isabela froze. “What?”

“She stole the Tome of Koslun. She must return with us,” the Arishok insisted, looking at Cassia. Immediately, Adriene grabbed Isabela’s arm, pulling her backward so she could shield her.

“No! You have your relic. Isabela stays with us,” Adriene said in a voice more firmly than she had feared. She only remembered too well what Fenris had told them of some of the practices the Qunari had. About how they never wasted anyone. How the prisoners were dosed with something called _quamek_ which turned them into mindless workers. She would never allow that to happen to Isabela.

The Arishok’s eyes narrowed as he looked from Cassia to Adriene. “Then I have no choice,” he said in a low, threatening voice, drawing his huge sword with a slow, menacing gesture.

Around the room, gasps and barely muffled screams of fear could be heard, and next to them, the templars were reaching for their weapons as the Knight-Commander took a step forward.

That was the second that Cassia spoke up again. “ _Arishokost!_ ” she addressed him in a clear, sharp voice that rang through the room. “Are we not _basalit-an_? Have you not yourself declared it so? Then by that admission, we have the right to challenge you!”

The Arishok had paused, and a tense silence fell over the room. Then he tilted his head. “If you truly knew the Qun, Hawke, you would not suggest I battle a female,” he growled.

Cassia only smiled cooly. “But we are not _females_. We are respected outsiders, by your own words.”

It was as if the whole room held its breath.

Adriene’s eyes were fixed on the Arishok as she saw him debate Cassia’s words. This was what had kept the peace for so long, Cassia’s understanding and ability with words, and the Arishok’s respect for her.

Slowly, the Arishok raised his chin. “So you are,” he admitted slowly, pointing one of his weapons at her. “But even if you are _basalit-an_ , my respect only goes so far. I will not battle a _saarebas._ ”

The absolute silence suddenly falling over the Keep was suffocating. Adriene stood absolutely frozen, and she could feel Cassia completely still next to her as the long-kept secret was revealed for all of Hightown to hear.

For a moment, the words seemed to echo in the silence. This was the opposite of what they had planned for. Adriene’s eyes were wide as they flickered to Cassia. _What now?_

Her sister didn’t even look at her as she took in a deep breath before she spoke. 

“That is certainly your prerogative, Arishok,” Cassia said, her voice as firm as it had been before. The calmness she projected was infectious, and Adriene focused back on the Arishok as well. It didn’t matter that the secret about Cassia’s magic was out, sooner than they had planned. Not now. It couldn’t. They had to save the people here.

Cassia’s gaze was unwavering as she continued, “However, we are obliged to a challenge nonetheless, so this leaves us again at an impasse.”

“I will fight,” the Arishok growled, looking around the keep in a clear gesture of dominance. “Just not you. The other Hawke will do fine.” With that, his look went from Cassia to Adriene. “She has proven herself to be as honorable as you are. I will accept her as a substitute.”

Adriene gritted her teeth as she held his cool, calculating gaze. She knew exactly what he was doing. Towering over her, he was in perfect fighting condition, not even a peak of dirt on his clothes or a drop of sweat that would betray exhaustion. Adriene meanwhile, just like everyone else in their small group, had fought relentlessly to even just get to this point. She was far from being at her best, blood on her armor and smeared on her skin, the slight sting of several smaller wounds and bruises adding to the heaviness of onsetting exhaustion from hours of fighting. Everything about this was dangerously unbalanced from the start, and they all knew it.

But then, this wasn’t about fairness. Cassia had played him with his own rules, but while he was bound to honor them, there was nothing in those rules concerning the manner of the fight. At least nothing they could exploit or Cassia would have thrown it back at him already.

It didn’t matter. They were out of choices, and they all knew it.

From the corner of her eyes, Adriene saw Cassia look from her to the Arishok, a hint of desperation on her face, but before she could say something, Adriene’s voice rang clearly through the Keep.

“I accept!”


	29. The Limits Of Our Endurance

Adriene could feel the eyes of the whole room turn to her, but she kept her focus on the Arishok. A strange calmness settled over her that stood in harsh contrast to the nearly painful beating of her heart. It nearly felt as if everything in this night had led up to this point. Now, the secret about Cassia was out, and there was nothing left to do about it. Even if Oswald didn’t survive the night, it no longer mattered. The game was in full play, and all she could do, all _they_ could do was try and get through this alive.

“No!” Isabela’s outcry was both shocked and angry as she pushed past Adriene and looked up at the Arishok. “If you’re going to duel anyone, duel me!”

There was a hint of a sneer on the Arishok’s face as he said matter-of-factly, “You are not _basalit-an_. You are unworthy.” With that, he dismissed her out of his attention and looked back at Adriene. “A duel, Hawke. A battle to the death, with her as the price.”

_To the death._

Adriene tried to swallow, but her mouth was utterly dry. Still, she held his gaze, her voice coming from far away as she said, “No matter who wins, your people will leave the city without further fight. You take your relic and you leave. There will be no more bloodshed after this.”

There was a long, tense pause, then the Arishok inclined his head slightly. “You have my word. Our duty is fulfilled.”

Adriene let out a breath and squared her shoulders. “Very well then. So it shall be.”

Was it her imagination or was there a hint of a satisfied smile on the Arishok’s face? It was gone as quickly as it had come as he held his sword up high, calling out, “ _Meravas!_ ”

Immediately, the Qunari began pushing people back to make way for a sort of arena in the middle of the room.

As Adriene turned away from the Arishok, her eyes met Cassia’s, and for an endless moment, nobody but them seemed to exist in the room. Oh, how she wished she could just pull her into a hug, assure her, or even better, take her and run. Instead, she had to turn away from her, let her go to the templars’ side in what was a desperate and horrible charade. Adriene knew that Cassia could sense the hopeless longing inside her, but all anyone else would see was the fierce determination on both their faces.

Then, the moment was over, and Cassia was following Meredith, Cullen’s hand on her arm. Adriene turned away and walked to the opposite side of the room where their friends waited, Isabela hovering at her side.

Merrill immediately pulled Bela into a hug. “I am so glad you came back, Isabela,” she said. “Now everything will be alright, you’ll see.”

Isabela shook her head, desperation in her eyes. “This was not what I wanted! I thought they would take their damned relic and leave!”

Fenris gave her a look. “You really think you could strand them here for years without consequences?” There was an edge to his voice, but for once, Bela didn’t seem to notice it.

“Yes! No! … I don’t know. Shit!” She turned to Adriene, shaking her head again. “Seagull, you can’t fight him! You still have blood on your face! Why did you agree to this?”

Adriene had taken off her coat, stripping out of anything that would hinder her movements without sacrificing the armor she wore. Now, she gave Isabela a tiny smile.

“Hey, if anyone has a better idea that will not leave even more people in this room dead, I’m open for suggestions,” she said. When she saw Isabela’s face fall, she added a bit more quietly, “It’ll be alright.” Her smile widened somewhat as she touched Bela’s cheek for a moment. Isabela looked stricken at the intimate gesture, and Adriene gave her a wink. “I’ve always wanted to save the damsel in distress.”

“Ugh, you’re the worst!” Isabela disclaimed.

Adriene only chuckled as she refastened her weapon’s belt. Then she sobered somewhat and looked at Varric who watched her preparations with a grim expression.

“Once this is over, no matter how it ends,” Adriene said, holding his gaze, “you need to make sure Merrill is safe. The templars might come for any of us.”

Varric nodded. “What are we going to do about Frosty?” he asked in a low voice, giving the Knight-Commander a dark look across the room.

“Nothing,” Adriene said grimly. “She has a plan in place already, and if everything works, she’ll be home by morning. Anders can explain everything.”

She looked at the others, taking a deep breath. There was nothing to do now but go forth. Suddenly, the magnitude of what was happening dawned on her, and she had to swallow hard. She was going to fight a duel to the death. Meredith knew about Cassia’s magic. This could be the end of both of them. Her eyes burned into Fenris’, wide and full of unspoken words that withered on her tongue before she could say them. Now, it was too late. Instead, she asked, “Fenris, will you keep Maia safe?”

He gave her a short nod. “Of course.”

“Don’t let any templar but Cullen near her. If anything goes wrong, take her to Amaranthine.”

He stared at her, a muscle moving in his jaw, but then he just nodded again. “I promise,” he said hoarsely.

Adriene tore her eyes off him, looking at Anders. “Our people will need to know. After this, the templars will be everywhere.” She did not name them all, the smugglers, the mages in hiding, the merchants, and informants, but she didn’t have to. Anders just nodded, looking at her with burning eyes as he pushed a stamina potion into her hand. Adriene took it gratefully, chugging it down as quickly as possible. After the many fights this night had held already, anything that helped against the onsetting heaviness in her limbs was welcome.

Fenris put his hand on her arm. “He will not hold back,” he said with quiet insistence. “And you cannot match his strength, so don’t waste yours by trying to meet his blows. If he—”

He stopped talking when Adriene put her hand over his, giving it a slight squeeze. “I know. It’s not my first fight.” She was touched by his concern, the wild hope that always reared its head when she saw him caring fanning itself into a blaze. But all she did was give him a cheeky grin. “Don’t worry. It takes more than a Qunari to kill me.”

“I hope so, Twirly,” Varric grumbled. “That would be a plot twist I’d hate to write.”

Adriene chuckled. For some reason, the nervousness and icy dread that had taken her earlier had fallen off her, and she felt strangely calm. Rolling her shoulders and taking a deep breath, she turned towards where the Arishok waited for her, a huge, vicious-looking sword in one hand, and an axe in the other.

“Oh, in case I do die,” she then said, looking back over her shoulder, “Anders gets the house. Turn it into a proper clinic or something like that.”

She gave her friends a last smile, then she drew her knives and walked into the makeshift arena.

* * *

Cassia’s eyes were glued to Adriene as she followed Cullen to the side of the room without even paying much attention to where he led her. How did everything turn out to be so much worse then even she could have anticipated?

Earlier that evening, Cassia had been worried about her own life being in jeopardy. It paled in comparison to the fear for Adriene now running through her. Everything about this duel seemed to be set against her sister. And it was her fault. Her own attempts of settling the situation, of saving the city from certain doom had led to her putting Adriene in harm's way instead.

A cold, armored hand came to rest on her shoulder, pulling her out of her stupor as Cassia realized that it wasn’t Cullen’s hand. 

“Since the chances of this duel ending in our favor don’t seem very promising, I think you and I should have that talk now,” came Meredith’s voice coldly from her side, and Cassia felt herself freeze on the spot.

“Now?” she breathed out, fighting the sudden, strong urge to tear herself away from the Knight-Commander’s grip. In the middle of the room, Adriene and the Arishok got in position.

“Might be your last chance to say your piece,” the Knight-Commander said almost casually. “If your sister loses that duel, and let's face it, all the odds seem against her, I will not hesitate and wait for the Qunari to make their move. We have no guarantee that they will keep their word.”

The sheer, clawing cruelty in the Knight-Commander’s voice finally took Cassia’s attention away from Adriene. As she looked around the room, things started to fall into place. The Qunari were all focused on the duel, building a ring around the two contestants, preventing anyone from interfering. But the templars?

A gasp escaped Cassia as she realized that Meredith must have given them very specific orders. Most of them were positioned around the room, close to any doors, while a select few stood carefully next to the large torches on the walls whose light illuminated the hall.

“You are going to burn the keep down, with everyone inside it…” Cassia mumbled, nearly stunned by the sheer coldness she saw in the Knight-Commander’s eyes. 

“I will stop the Qunari threat right here, tonight,” Meredith said, the quiet menace in her voice sending shivers down Cassia’s back. “If that means half of Kirkwall's nobility might be lost in an effort to save the city… that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.” Her hand on Cassia’s shoulder tightened. “So if I were you, I’d start talking about what you wanted to tell me about the underground right now if you want to find yourself next to one of the exits when this fight ends…”

Before Cassia could react in any form, Cullen cut in. “There is no need to threaten her, Knight-Commander, she will tell you everything you need to know regardless,” he said in a resolute voice that left no room for argument. It took Meredith’s attention away from Cassia and onto him in an instant.

“So she hasn’t actually fooled you then, Knight-Captain?” Meredith asked sharply, but Cullen only casually shook his head.

“I knew the entire time,” he simply said. “Remember when I told you I might have an angle to infiltrate the underground? You’re looking at her.”

“And you failed to mention this until now why exactly?”

Cassia had no idea how Cullen managed to look this calm when everything inside her felt so tightly wound she might snap at any second, but he seemed, at least outwardly, completely at ease, not showing even a hint of worry about being caught. 

“You yourself told me, Knight-Commander, in no uncertain terms that you didn’t care how I got the job done as long as I bring you results, remember?”

Meredith’s eyes narrowed as she looked from him to Cassia. “Indeed, I did. But I think I require a lot more explanation.”

“You will have it,” Cassia said immediately, tearing herself out of the paralyzing fear and looking openly at Meredith. “I have more than an explanation for you. If you would just hear me out before you make up your mind, I’ll…”

The sharp noise of weapons clashing interrupted her, and Cassia’s head snapped around just in time to see the battle begin in earnest. Instantly, all thoughts about her own situation faded away as she watched the Arishok draw back, getting ready for another attack.

* * *

It didn’t take Adriene long to realize that she was in trouble. Fighting the Arishok would always have been a challenge, but with him being at full strength while she was already drawing on the last of her reserves, it was a near futile undertaking. It was not only the night of fighting that lay behind her, it was the last months of worry and sleeplessness that had eaten away at her, and she quietly cursed herself as she pushed herself off the wall into which the Arishok had thrown her. This would leave a bruise. But there was no time to waste, no time to plan for her next move.

Again, he charged her with impressive speed, and again, she deflected his powerful blows, jumping just out of reach before she feigned to one side, trying to get a hit in. So far, she had managed to divert his hits, but her muscles were trembling in exhaustion, and she panted heavily while the Arishok seemed unfazed.

Another swing of his axe that she barely dodged, and suddenly, he was in front of her. Adriene sensed more than saw the blade coming at her, and she reacted without thinking, dropping to the ground and rolling to the side before she jumped up and slashed her knives over his leg.

A furious growl and gush of blood were her reward, and she ducked under the swing of his sword in the last moment. The next minutes were nothing but a flurry of movements and the sound of steel on steel, while the Arishok tried to get ahold of Adriene as she dashed around him. In flashes of his face, she could see him get angrier and angrier by the second, clenching his jaw until it looked like he was baring his teeth.

It was a tiny misstep, a foot too close to him that made him catch her, and a fiery pain shot through her leg even as she was spinning out of reach again. Blood dripped from his axe when she stumbled backward. _Shit._

Still, he growled deep in his throat as he advanced on her.

“What’s the matter, Arishok?” she panted, tightening her grip on her knives, flashing him a cocky smile as she limped back, keeping out of reach. “Getting angry?”

He didn’t answer, but something in his eyes changed that made her smile widen.

“Ah. You’re not mad that I don’t die as quickly as you thought I would, are you? And that even though you made sure that this fight is anything but fair!”

The growl got louder, and Adriene clicked her tongue at him, still carefully walking backward, keeping a close eye on his movements. “Tsk. I feel like you should’ve known better by now. There’s a reason you admire me. Even made me _basalit-an_ , right? I’m just that good.”

Another swing of his ax she avoided, followed by his sword, and the impact of it on her knives nearly forced her to her knees, a dull ache running through her as she groaned under its force. Summoning all the strength she could, Adriene pushed at him, even forced him a step back, then she quickly rolled out of reach again, rounding a pillar to gain a bit of distance. She was dimly aware of the scared tension in the room, of the faces watching them, and the shocked gasps and shouts whenever one of them landed a hit. But she knew that the second she took her attention off the Arishok would be her death.

Already, he was quickening his steps, brandishing his weapons.

“You’re going to lose, you know,” she coaxed him again. His fury made him more aggressive but also more reckless. And she needed every advantage she could get. “Your rigid rules just make you inflexible.”

That was the moment he charged again, but Adriene had seen it coming. With a fast twist to the side, she managed to dodge his attack, slashing her knives over his back.

There was no time to talk anymore afterward. With a furious yell, the Arishok turned, bringing both his weapons down on her in quick succession, forcing her back towards the people lining their arena. Both of them were bleeding from various wounds by now, Adriene favoring one of her legs.

And as she held off his attacks with quickly diminishing strength, she realized something.

She was going to lose.

Despite the several critical hits she had managed to land, the Arishok had the advantage of height, reach, and strength. Even without their disparate conditions due to the night so far, she just couldn’t get close enough. He would wear her down, soon. It was only a matter of moments until her arms would give way or she wouldn’t get away quickly enough, and he would kill her. And then, he would take Isabela and kill her, too.

She could not let that happen. There was too much at stake.

Her thoughts raced as she drew back one stumbling step after another, trying to find a split second to strike. Just one tiny error, one misstep, and she would put everything she had into one last jump, one last slash.

Nothing.

There was not a single moment where he faltered.

Her lungs burned with every breath she took, her muscles trembling under the onslaught of his attacks. Adriene knew that she had not much time left.

Just then, it came to her. What had she told him? Their rigid rules made them inflexible. To beat him, she would have to get close to him. And to manage that, she would have to surprise him in a way he could not see coming.

Her decision was made in less than a second. The thing that mattered was not necessarily her survival, after all. It was his death.

Just as the Arishok brought down his axe upon her, she twisted a tad too much, left her guard open for a tiny moment — and he took the chance immediately. 

Without so much as a triumphant yell, he brought his sword up with a mighty movement, driving it nearly completely through her in one powerful stab.

Blindingly hot pain exploded through Adriene as she felt the steel impale her, red motes dancing in front of her eyes as the air left her in a strangled gasp. Someone in the background screamed.

But this was exactly what she had wanted. He was directly in front of her. Now. _NOW!_ With a quick movement, she brought up her knives to drive them deep into his flesh — but the Arishok had his axe ready, and with a swipe of its blade, her knives were struck out of her hands and flew into the people next to them.

“Was that supposed to kill me, Hawke?”

This time, Adriene was sure that there was a smug triumph in the Arishok’s voice as he spoke, his breath hot against her skin.

Blood specks flew from her lips and peppered his face as she croaked, “No.”

Confusion, then horrified realization flashed in his eyes as she drew the dagger from her boot in a swift movement and drove it deep into his throat.

“But _this_ is!”

A gush of blood bubbled from his mouth, then from his throat as he stumbled back, pulling his blade out of Adriene’s body as he fell down with a heavy thud. She groaned in pain, pressing her hand on the terrible wound as she sank to her knees, trying to keep herself upright. Hot blood was already seeping through her fingers, and she blinked furiously to keep the encroaching darkness from her vision.

“We… we’ll… be… back…” he gurgled with his last breath, his weapons clattering to the floor. Then the mighty Qunari twitched once, twice, and fell silent.

She had won.

As soon as the onlookers realized what had happened, the cheering started. 

“Hawke has won!” someone shouted, accompanied by relieved cheers. Another voice joined in. “And her sister has saved the Knight-Commander. A mage has saved the Knight-Commander!”

From the corner of her eyes, Adriene saw something glittering not far from her. Panting heavily, she turned her head, her eyes widening as she realized that it was a solid icewall. Embedded in it were her knives — and directly behind, where they would have hit, stood the Knight-Commander next to Cassia who still had her hands raised, the glitter of ice magic around her. As she watched, Cassia let the magic dissipate, and the weapons clattered to the ground as the ice wall disappeared. Meredith gave Cassia a peculiar look, as if she was trying to see right through her.

“Indeed,” the Knight-Commander said, her clear voice carrying over the commotion. “It would seem that Kirkwall has not just one, but two Champions.”

_Two Champions._

The words took a moment until they made it into Adriene’s consciousness, but she didn’t quite understand what it was supposed to mean. Champion? Wasn't that a title? Didn’t matter for now. From the corner of her eye, she saw the Qunari leave without another word and without taking the Arishok’s body. There was cheering, people moving, and then, Isabela was at her side, clutching Adriene at the shoulders as she fell to her knees next to her.

“You stupid woman,” she scolded Adriene, fear in her voice. “What did you do that for?”

“What do you think?” Adriene managed to smile.

Bela just shook her head, eyes shimmering conspicuously. Before either of them could say anything else, though, Anders was there, and others, shielding her from the crowd.

“This is going to hurt,” Anders warned without preamble, hands already alight with magic.

“It already does,” Adriene tried to joke through clenched teeth, but he didn’t pay attention to her.

“Hold her,” he told Isabela who immediately wrapped her arms around Adriene, then he pulled Adriene’s hands off her wound and started to pour his magic into her.

It was searing, like burning liquid poured into her body and running through her veins, and Adriene buried her face at Isabela’s shoulder to stop herself from screaming. It was nearly as bad as healing with a potion, which told Adriene that Anders had no time to lose. She must have been really lucky, she realized at the edge of her mind behind the pain. When he stopped after a few moments, the bleeding had stopped, and Adriene was shaking, tears running down her face.

“We’re not done,” Anders said, squeezing her shoulder. There was a hard line around his mouth and he looked pale, but pure relief shone in his eyes as he looked at her. “But I’ll do the rest when we get you home.”

Adriene nodded, but before she could say anything, a cool voice came from next to them.

“Will she live?”

Meredith. The Knight-Commander looked down at her with dispassionate coldness on her face.

Adriene’s hands tightened where she still held fast to Isabela’s arm. “Help me up,” she murmured, and with a groan, she heaved herself to her feet, with both Isabela and Anders steadying her, then she let go of them.

It was a shit idea as the tremble in her muscles and the immediate dizziness attested to her, but she managed to stand her ground.

“No need to worry, Knight-Commander,” Adriene said hoarsely, holding Meredith’s gaze. “I will live.” Behind Meredith, among several nobles who seemed in a hurry to leave, she saw Varric usher Merrill past the templars and out of the room, followed by Fenris who seemed to come from where Cassia stood with Cullen.

“Good,” the Knight-Commander said with a fake smile. “It would be a pity to lose one of the brave fighters for this city so soon.” She gave her a once-over, her eyes barely glancing at Isabela or Anders, then she turned back to Cullen.

“Back to the Gallows,” she commanded in a voice that left no room for objections. “That includes you, _Champion._ ” She looked at Cassia, then turned to leave.

* * *

With a last, hidden look at Adriene, Cassia straightened and followed the Knight-Commander without another word. This was it. The moment she had both painstakingly prepared for and dreaded like nothing else in her life. The fact that she wasn’t in chains and that none of the templars had used a Smite on her yet was better news than she had hoped for already. Now, everything else would rely on both her and Cullen’s ability to lie through their teeth. The whole plan had seemed precarious already, but that had been before the Arishok had publicly announced that Cassia was a mage.

Yet something had stayed the Knight-Commander’s hand so far and Cassia wasn’t sure if it had been all the people around them, her so far accumulated good will with Meredith or the moment she had used her magic to save her. Something in her clammed up at the thought of what she had done. Cassia had reacted out of reflex. Torn herself from Meredith’s grip and acted before she could really think about it. The moment she had seen the knives fly through the air, the question of whether she should or shouldn’t use her magic hadn’t mattered for once. Cassia had raised her arms, drawing on every bit of moisture in the air and freezing it solid in an instant, raising a wall of ice right in front of herself and the crowd. 

The second she had felt the ice harden underneath her hands, there had been a cracking noise as Adriene’s daggers buried themselves deeply into the make-shift icy shield, and it it had only been later that Cassia had realized that those daggers would have hit the Knight-Commander straight on. That by protecting the people behind them, Cassia had inadvertently saved Meredith’s life.

For a brief moment, Cassia felt a pang of regret running through her. If she had been a bit slower, if she had just ignored her impulse to help, those daggers could have killed Meredith, and it would have looked like a tragic, but perfect accident. The Knight-Commander gone with no one to blame would have been a perfect solution for so many of their problems. But it was far too late for such deliberations now. Cassia pushed the worry aside what it said about her that she was even entertaining these thoughts. That she even considered letting someone die as a valid strategy. But as she was walking along the templars, she had other worries on her mind.

Despite being surrounded by an aura of professionalism and detachment, Cullen was staying close to her throughout the entire way, and Cassia had to rigorously remind herself to not reach out for his hand. It wouldn’t do her any good if she looked intimidated or uncertain now. She had to appear confident and self-assured, not to mention guilt-free if she wanted to leave the right impression with the Knight-Commander. Around them, the city seemed to be shaken to its very core. Not a single street they walked through looked unscathed. Broken doors and windows, overthrown market carts, and people still hurrying about with a look of panic in their eyes were all around them. The lingering smoke from extinguished fires burned in Cassia’s eyes, making her cough and hold a sleeve in front of her eyes and nose to shield herself from it as best as she could.

Meredith was quiet along the way, seemingly not paying attention to anything happening around them. Every now and then, she had given them a look Cassia couldn’t fully place. Her eyes were hard and piercing as usual, but there seemed no anger behind them. Only something akin to curiosity. Perhaps a good thing, Cassia thought, the boat rocking gently underneath her feet as the imposing structures of the Gallows came closer. She took some comfort from the knowledge that Anders was with Adriene right now, taking care of her. From the amount of blood Cassia had seen, her sister had been hurt greatly. But she had someone taking care of her, even if Cassia couldn’t be at her side. 

Once the boat docked at the Gallows, everything seemed to pick up speed. Moments later, Cassia found herself inside a part of the Gallows she had never been in before. A shiver ran down her back as she followed the Knight-Commander down a corridor that looked not unlike the one she had been dragged through forcefully the last time she had been here. But this time, she was walking out of her own volition until they reached a room that was undoubtedly Meredith’s office. It was only her, Cullen, and the Knight-Commander that entered, but Cassia was well aware of at least two more templars guarding the door from the outside.

The office was larger than the room Ser Oswald had held her in, Cassia noticed. More personalized as well. The walls were lined with tall bookshelves. In one corner, she could spy a rudimentary training dummy next to an array of weapons on the wall. A large desk was the centerpiece of the room, and behind it, tall windows that nearly reached the ceiling opened up a view into the middle of the courtyard below. Cassia was torn away from her observations by the sound of metal scraping against metal as Meredith took off her armored gloves and set them on the table.

“Well, let's hear this tale.” The Knight-Commander looked at both her and Cullen expectantly. “Explain to me why I shouldn't just lock you both up. You for hiding from the Circle and you, Knight-Captain, for obvious treason.”

Cullen bristled immediately, looking deeply offended. “Treason? I have followed your orders to the letter!” He sounded almost challenging as he continued. “Have I ever given you even the slightest reason to doubt me, my work, or my dedication?”

Meredith’s answer wasn’t immediate. For a moment, she just looked at him intensely, her eyes slightly narrowed. “You haven’t,” she finally said calmly. “Which is the only reason I am willing to even entertain the notion of listening to you now. So you better make this explanation a good one.”

“Knight-Commander, if I may?” Cassia interjected carefully. “You do not have all the information.”

“Obviously!” Meredith said with a dismissive sounding snort. “But go ahead, speak.” With that, she gestured at one of the chairs in front of her desk and Cassia sat down, trying to make herself look as small and unassuming as possible in the process. Anything to make sure the Knight-Commander would remain feeling in control of the situation.

“You know of my family’s history, I assume?” she finally asked, and Meredith gave a curt nod.

“If by that you mean your apostate father, of course I do.”

Everybody in Kirkwall seemed to know about him, after all. Cassia took in a deep breath. Here went nothing.

“He…” she started before lowering her eyes and letting out a defeated sigh. “I never wanted any of this. The magic, the hiding, the life on the run.” She made an effort to not look at Meredith, keeping her eyes fixed on her own hands. “Growing up, I was hoping I could become a Chantry Sister. Someone who could help make the world a bit better, you know? And then I turned out to be my father’s daughter and that dream was gone…” Cassia’s voice shook slightly as she wrung her hands in her lap. Was she overselling this? A careful glance at the Knight-Commander told her no when she saw something akin to sympathy in the other woman’s eyes. “I tried so hard to still do my part, I really did, but when I tried to give myself up to the templars, my family…” Another deliberate hitch in her voice was coupled with a small shudder before she looked up at Meredith again. “They all shared my father’s view of the Chantry and the templars. All of them.”

By now, there was open interest in the Knight-Commander’s eyes. “Go on.”

Cassia swallowed before letting the words flow out of her. “It was back in Lothering when I first tried to do the right thing. The only thing I could think of. And it cost a young boy his life when I told him about me. My father and my sister…” Cassia paused briefly, managing to look both miserable and afraid as she channeled back the feelings she had felt back when she first told Cullen about it all. It was almost frightening how easy it was to drag those long-forgotten worries back to the surface. To pretend they still bothered her. 

“They made sure he couldn’t talk. Ever again. The same happened to a young templar that tried to take me in and bring me to the Circle. And when my father died…” With a defeated look, she glanced at Meredith again, fascinated by the interest in the other woman’s eyes as Cassia continued. “My sister became the de facto leader of the household, and when we came to Kirkwall, she got even more stubborn, more obsessed with keeping me hidden away. And then I met Cullen.”

The Knight-Commander leaned forward. Despite the interest shining through her voice, her eyes were hard, piercing as she asked, “And yet you didn’t give yourself up right then?”

“At first I had no idea who he was,” Cassia hurried on to explain. “That he was a templar. We just got along, and I was infatuated, but when I found out…” She looked at Cullen, and it took him no time at all to take over. Sounding nothing but professional, as if he was giving an everyday report. 

“We met again when I was looking for a mercenary to round up some escaped mages. Sending templars after them that they would know on sight seemed ill-advised at that point.”

“I thought about coming clean right then, but the memory of what my sister had done to others who knew about my secret was still so fresh…” Cassia added. “And I thought maybe this was a way for me to help. Maybe it was what the Maker wanted me to do.”

There was no mistaking Meredith’s curiosity by now as she looked back and forth between them. “What happened to those mages?”

“She convinced them to go back to the Circle voluntarily,” Cullen smoothly supplied the answer. “All except for one. Their leader was a blood mage, so he obviously couldn’t be allowed back.”

Meredith’s eyes snapped to Cassia. “You let him go?”

“No!” Cassia shook her head vehemently. “We killed him of course.” 

It sounded so casual when phrased like this. As if that situation hadn’t been a horribly conflicting fight back then. As if she hadn’t tried her best to talk the man down, to convince him of a peaceful situation. As if it hadn’t been Anders and Isabela who made the call and reacted way before Cassia had even reached the point where she could see that all her tries of finding a peaceful solution had been pointless from the start. The fight had been over before it had even begun, and Cassia’s input had mostly consisted of her standing there, speechless. But there was no one here that could contradict her story, after all, and she could see from the glint in Meredith’s eyes that the Knight-Commander definitely liked this version of the events.

“Of course…” Meredith muttered, leaning back as she looked at Cassia with something new. Her entire demeanor seemed… pleased.

Cassia tried to keep her calm as best as she could as she realized that what she had only imagined so far seemed to be working. Quickly, she doubled down on her story. “After that, I just tried to help as best as I could, doing my part the only way I could see. And then, I went on the expedition and well… you know that bit I think.” She looked at Cullen apologetically and sighed for effect before adding, “When I came back and was pregnant, I knew I had to come clean.”

And with that, Meredith’s attention shifted back to Cullen. “So you have known since then?” she asked, a lingering hint of sharpness in her voice.

Cullen nodded. “Yes, she told me all of this back then. And after the few confrontations I had with her sister, I was more than inclined to believe her.”

It was almost comical, Cassia thought, how the tiniest derogatory mention of Adriene seemed to draw the Knight-Commander in like nothing else. Meredith’s voice was noticeably calmer as she asked, “Yet you didn’t see it fit to turn her in yourself?”

“With all due respect, Knight-Commander, you do not know what a tremendous asset she had been already up to that point.” Cullen had stood at attention before, but now it almost seemed like he stood even straighter. As if to emphasize the importance of his words. “If you send someone to my office, there is a hidden compartment on the right side of my desk. It holds all the files of the incidents and jobs she helped resolve — all in our favor.”

Cassia held her breath for a brief moment as the Knight-Commander’s smile widened. Without hesitation, Meredith got up from her desk, and with a few quick words, she sent one of the templars still guarding the outside of her office door to fetch her the proof Cullen had just dangled in front of her. Cassia had a lot of faith in Isabela’s skill of forgery and her friend’s attention to details — but if she was honest with herself, she never had been in a situation to actually see them pass a test. She would be in one very soon though.

When the Knight-Commander sat back down, her eyes found Cassia’s again. The curiosity was still there, but so was a hint of snide in her voice at her next question.

“And how is it that you have this gift, this talent that the templars seem to lack?”

“There is no hidden skill or knowledge to it, Knight-Commander,” Cassia said with an open look on her face. “They trust me because they see me as one of them.”

“One could argue that you are…” 

Meredith’s words sent a flinch through Cassia. Was this the point where the Knight-Commander would see right through her? Cassia couldn’t tell yet, not with the mysterious smile that was on the other woman’s face. 

“Look at you, shivering like I am about to scold you…” Meredith shook her head. “My dear, I am not angry at you for being a mage. You didn’t choose to be one, after all, it is a burden the Maker placed on you.”

Cassia could only nod wide-eyed as she realized Meredith had completely misinterpreted her fear of discovery for something else: Shame. Something hitting a little close to home, but nonetheless something she could work with.

“We all have our parts to play, and I am getting the idea that you might just know your place and your tasks better than many others of your kind.” The condescension was dripping from every single word Meredith spoke, but Cassia deemed it best to only nod along in affirmation. “So go on, tell me the rest of your story and explain to me how the mage underground fits into it all.”

Cassia swallowed, ignoring the bile rising up in her throat. Adriene and herself might have been in a clear agreement of what it would take to make this whole farce believable, but it didn’t make deliberately besmirching her sister any easier. Everything in Cassia was poised against it, but she rigorously pushed those feelings aside and put a hesitant smile on her face. 

“When my sister found out who the father of my unborn child was, she was livid,” she started slowly. “I feared she would do something drastic and I told Cullen as much. Luckily, he was not just some nameless templar but someone that was well-known throughout the city. Someone whose disappearance would have been noticed. And marrying him had the added bonus of me having a reason to leave my home that even my sister couldn’t argue against.” She sent her most grateful look at Cullen who only nodded curtly in agreement. 

"I thought you married before the expedition?" Meredith asked sharply.

Cassia turned with a deliberately desperate look to Cullen who took a deep breath.

"No," he said slowly. "But we knew that her sister would never agree to a marriage, so we had to come up with a plausible explanation that would enable Cassia to get out of her influence. Having already married in secret provided us with the best opportunity to outplay her."

"She was furious," Cassia added quietly. "But not even Adriene could say anything against me moving in with my husband without drawing too much attention to ourselves. Thankfully, my mother was on our side. She didn't want our child to grow up without a father."

"I see..." Meredith said slowly.

Cassia deliberately relaxed her hands, trying to keep herself from fidgeting too much. It was time to move on from twisting actual events to her purpose to venture into the realm of pure fiction. _It will work,_ she told herself before looking back at the Knight-Commander. 

“There were others that knew about me being a mage and didn’t know that I was not on the same page as the rest of my family, though. That I was glad about the turn of events. They just saw me, a pregnant mage getting married to the Knight-Captain and drew their own conclusions. And they offered to help me if I needed a way out…”

Understanding spread over Meredith’s face as she looked at Cullen. “So when you said you had a contact directly with the mage underground that fed you information…”

“You are looking at her.”

The Knight-Commander was about to say something when a knock at the door gave all of them pause. A moment later, she had a small pile of documents on her desk. As soon as the templar delivering them had closed the door behind him again, she began to flip through them. 

Cassia forced herself to keep looking at her and not let her eyes linger on Cullen instead as she tried not to think about what could happen if anything in those faked reports felt out of place. It seemed that her worries were misplaced though. The more Meredith went through them, the more she looked downright impressed. When she looked back up again, there was a satisfied look on her face.

“Impressive,” Meredith said, sounding genuine in her compliment as she addressed Cullen. “But I have to ask — don’t you think there might be a slight conflict of interest for you here, Cullen?”

Cullen didn’t miss a beat as he shook his head. “I will not lie to you, Knight-Commander, and pretend that there aren’t feelings involved. I am only human. But I assure you, I am very well capable of separating work and pleasure. Of keeping my goals at work apart from my feelings if necessary.”

Like before, he sounded absolutely professional, nearly completely detached. Cassia knew it was necessary, but she couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling settling in her stomach whenever he sounded like this. It made all their carefully twisted lies feel a little bit too real in those moments. _Whatever is necessary_ , she reminded herself just as the Knight-Commander's voice pulled her out of her thoughts. 

“And you don’t mind that?” Meredith asked her directly, curiosity back in her eyes.

“The will of the Maker, the Chantry, and the Order of Templars always come first, as it should,” Cassia replied back without losing a beat. Sounding much more demure than she usually did. “I see no issue with that. Magic should serve mankind after all, as it is the will of the Maker.”

The answer seemed to please the other woman to no end. The happier the Knight-Commander seemed to get about the situation, the more unsettling it felt to Cassia. But the uneasy feeling was nothing compared to the sudden dread welling up at her when Meredith suddenly frowned. 

“There is one thing that I don’t understand,” she asked while looking at Cassia with slightly narrowed eyes. “When I visited you, I tested both you and your sister for magic. I couldn’t find any on either one of you.” 

From the corner of her eye, Cassia could see Cullen tense up ever so slightly. It was barely noticeable, but she knew him well enough to notice even the smallest shift in his behavior. This was something they hadn't gotten around to talking it through yet. There had been too many details to think about, and both of them had assumed they would have more time. Cassia reacted instinctively, fully aware of the fact that Cullen would absolutely hate what came out of her mouth next. 

“My husband is very particular about not having any magic in the house or around our child,” she said smoothly, with a matching apologetic look directed at the Knight-Commander, who had an appreciative glint in her eye again as she looked at her second-in-command.

“A very hands-on solution.”

“She has no need for magic when she isn’t working,” Cullen answered without pause. If he sounded slightly stilted while talking, the Knight-Commander seemed to be oblivious to it.

“And you have no objections to that?” Meredith asked, addressing Cassia again who briefly shook her head.

“I know he does what he deems is best for me. As a husband and as a templar,” she said, eyes downcast in a perfect impression of submissiveness. “I am nothing but grateful for that.”

It came as no surprise to her that there was a very pleased expression on the Knight-Commander’s face as she looked up again. Meredith seemed to ponder all she had heard for a moment as she casually went through the reports on her desk again. 

“You’ve put me in an unfortunate position,” she finally said, sounding genuinely regretful as she closed one of the files. “This all looks like diligent work. But the entire city probably knows about you by now. Despite your good intentions, this will not look good for the templars. Letting a mage run free with every opportunity to run away…”

“Knight-Commander. You’ve known me for years,” Cullen suddenly interjected. “Do you really think me to be that careless?” He sounded almost dismissive as he reached into his pocket, pulling out a small vial. “Trust only goes so far, surveillance and close control will always be the safer, more superior tactic,” he repeated the exact same words he had said earlier at their approach of the keep. What he held in his hand made the Knight-Commander’s eyes widen in surprise.

This was it, their last trump card. The last bit of panicked planning to assure their story would be airtight. The reason Cassia had hurried with Anders to his clinic before joining Aveline at the Qunari compound. 

As the Knight-Commander stretched out her hand, Cullen handed the phylactery over to her without hesitation. When Cassia had first come up with the idea to legitimize their story weeks ago, she had asked Anders about forging something like this. It hadn't been possible. Not if it was supposed to stand the test of an actual templar at least. With forgery being impossible, it had left her with only one option. For a moment, Cassia was beyond glad that she had decided on not trying to fake her way through this as she saw the vial starting to glow in Meredith’s hand. Of course the Knight-Commander would make sure it was real almost instantly. With an unsettling smile, Meredith stopped and handed the flask back to Cullen.

“It seems I underestimated you,” she said. “Perhaps we can still turn this into an advantage, even with the whole city knowing.”

“Especially with the whole city knowing,” Cassia said daringly. It was now or never. The Knight-Commander seemed receptive to everything they had told her so far.

“Elaborate.” With raised eyebrows, Meredith motioned for her to go on. 

“You must be aware about all the unrest in Hightown lately,” Cassia started, only to be interrupted by a scoff from Meredith.

“I have to thank your sister for most of it. She has been inciting the people into even more unrest than usual.”

Cassia nodded gravely. “She is rallying them against you. And the templar’s reputation has not been the best before she even started.”

Meredith’s brow furrowed as a shadow fell over her face. “Ungrateful bastards. They don’t see. They have no idea what it takes to keep the city safe,” she spat. “Fools, the lot of them.”

“Indeed, they know little about the danger,” Cullen said agreeably before his tone turned more conspiratorial, “but fools can be led…” He gave Meredith a long look, gesturing at the files. “Think about it. We have the paperwork going back years. We could easily make it look like she has been working with us officially the entire time. It could even quell down some of the dissent. The louder voices that claim our treatment of mages is too harsh…”

“I could help you set an example of how magic is made to serve the people,” Cassia added carefully, doubling down on Cullen’s suggestion. “No one could claim anymore that you are not trying your very best to make templars and mages work together for the betterment of Kirkwall…”

It definitely sparked interest in the Knight-Commander. “You would willingly and openly speak out against your own kind?”

Cassia looked straight at her, not a hint of hesitation in her voice as she answered, “If they are unwilling to live according to the Maker’s will and by proxy yours, they are not my kind and we have nothing in common.”

It was the perfect reply, making the Knight-Commander nod along with her in agreement.

“You would have to undergo an official Harrowing of course,” Meredith said, already looking deeply in thoughts, and Cassia knew that for all intents and purposes, she had won. For now. It didn’t feel like it. Nothing about her situation felt like a win, and yet it was. In a twisted, not very reassuring way.

“Anything that proves to you that I truly want nothing but to help you,” she said quietly, and again, it seemed to be exactly what the Knight-Commander wanted to hear. 

“Yes, I am sure we can—” Meredith started, only to be interrupted by a sharp knock and the door opening almost immediately after.

“I am very sorry to disturb you, Knight-Commander, I know how important this is, but we have a problem.”

Cassia froze. She didn’t have to turn around to know who had just entered, his voice was enough. A moment later, Ser Oswald stood next to her chair, handing the Knight-Commander a crumpled letter. It was only a small relief to Cassia that, at least for the moment, Ser Oswald seemed to be entirely professional, not sparing her even a glance. 

In front of her, the Knight-Commander sighed audibly as her eyes glanced over the paper. “It looks like the mage underground has already made its move.”

Cassia could feel the same confusion coming from Cullen she felt welling up in herself as Meredith simply handed the letter over to her. A moment later, Cassia froze. The mage underground, Meredith had said. The letter told her she could not be more wrong. This had nothing to do with the underground at all. 

Cullen noticed her stiff posture immediately, sending her a worried look. “What does it say?”

Cassia had trouble speaking for a moment, her throat feeling dry as she went over the few lines again. “They took her,” she finally got out. “They took Adriene.” With desperation, she looked at the letter in her hand before she handed it to him, every word already burned into her mind. 

_Champion,_

_I wanted to do this personally, but then your sister was so nice to act as involuntary stand-in. We have her. And if you value her life, you will come to the Wounded Coast as soon as you read this, and you’ll come alone. I count on you remembering the place where you traded in our freedom for your own._

_If you’re not here by morning, you will not see her again._

_Grace of Starkhaven_

No! Adriene was supposed to be at home. At home and safe. After everything that had already happened that night, after nearly losing her to the fight against the Arishok, Adriene was the one that was not supposed to be in danger anymore. Cold terror held her heart in its grasp as Cassia tried to focus on anything that let her stay sane. That would let her act.

She turned around to Ser Oswald. “Where did you get this?”

“It was delivered directly to the guards at the Gallows via an errand boy not too long ago,” he answered, and Cassia felt a shiver go down her back. Something felt off. Ser Oswald sounded strange, his voice clipped as if he was trying not to let some underlying anger show. But his hateful eyes weren’t directed at her for the moment. Cassia shook the thoughts off. There was no time for her to think about whether or not his behavior was odd. Not right now. Right now, she had to do something. Something to save her sister that didn’t immediately contradict everything she had just told the Knight-Commander about their relationship.

“I have to…” she started, trying to find the right words, but the gnawing fear about Adriene settled in her stomach and made her unable to think clearly. “I need to…”

“Of course,” Meredith said all of a sudden. “She is your sister after all. Despite everything.” There was an almost wistful note in her voice that was gone so quickly Cassia wasn’t sure if she had only imagined it. “As unfortunate as this situation is, it comes with a great set of advantages,” she said, sounding completely calculating all of a sudden. “The Champion of Kirkwall, working for and with the Templar Order in saving her sister from the misguided mage underground.”

Everything about her words sounded utterly wrong, but right at this moment, Cassia didn’t have it in her to care. Her hands dug into the armrests of her chair as she fought the urge to simply jump up and run off to go after Adriene.

“So I can go?” she asked, trying her best to keep the tension in her voice to a minimum.

The Knight-Commander nodded. “Yes, of course. We can wait with your Harrowing until after you have done this.” She paused briefly, coming to another decision. “Regardless of what the letter demands, you are not to go alone, though. You will have a templar escort.”

Cullen immediately moved. “I can be ready and have some of my men join us at the boat in no time.”

“No, not you, Knight-Captain,” Meredith said immediately, and Cassia froze again. This did not bode well. 

“Knight-Commander, I am the best choice for this,” Cullen pressed the issue, urgency in his every word. “We already work well together, and we have little time to brief anyone else.”

The Knight-Commander shook her head in dismissal. “Be that as it may, I need you here for now. We have a limited time window to go public with all this, and I need you to go over these files with me and coordinate the optimal way to do this.” Something in her eyes turned even more calculating. “Besides, this is an opportunity. I know from all of this,” she gestured at the combined paperwork, “that you two work well together.” 

She fixed Cassia with another piercing look. “Time for you to show me if you can work just as well with the rest of the Order, Champion.” Almost casually, she turned to the man next to her. “Ser Oswald, take a group with you, as many as you deem necessary, and accompany her on her rescue mission.” 

Cullen was about to say something, but Meredith stopped him with a sharp gesture.

“That is an order!” she said, determined not to let anyone object. Her eyes lingered on Cassia, her smile a terrifying combination of encouragement with an underlying threat as she nodded at them dismissively.

“You have no time to lose, I suggest you get to it. And remember, I expect exceptional results!”


	30. Vows Of Virtue, Deeds Of Cruelty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for following us and our characters on this journey, you have been awesome ♥  
> We will give ourselves and our Betas a little break and will start with Part 3 in two weeks - at September 7th. Stay tuned or come to our [Tumblr](https://intothedragonverse.tumblr.com) for snippets and updates!

The soft glow announcing the sun was about to rise bathed the view of the Wounded Coast in a gentle light. There were still stars visible as they left the city behind, their faint light dimmed against the no longer darkened sky. Looking ahead at the quiet coast, the only sounds around them were the first birds starting to sing and the harsh, metallic sounds of templar armor. 

An uneasy combination, Cassia thought as she tried her best to keep up with their fast pace. Oswald and the four templars he had taken with them moved consistently just a little bit faster than Cassia was used to. Coupled with the exhaustion that clung to her like a heavy blanket, weighing her down even more, it took Cassia all her remaining strength to not fall behind. 

It had one advantage. Being fully focused on setting one foot in front of the other made it easier to keep the crippling fear at bay that had been gnawing at her from the moment she had read the letter. She remembered Grace only all too well. One of her very first jobs for the templars, way back when she still thought hiding indefinitely was a possibility. When the money had been so tight and their desperation to get into the Deep Roads Expedition so strong that Cassia hadn’t thought twice about accepting every job that paid well enough. Back then, she had been proud of herself for managing to keep the bloodshed to a minimum. She remembered the fight she and Anders had gotten into just after the job and how it had taken her forever to understand just why he had been so angry with how she had handled everything. And even then, she hadn’t truly understood. Not until years later, if she was honest.

Cassia had no idea what had happened to Grace in those last few years, but she could guess. And none of the things that came to mind that would explain the scathing message and the drastic measures were even remotely good. Grace hadn’t used the word, but in between the lines, the letter had spoken of revenge. The woman had a score to settle, and deep down, Cassia knew that the fault lay with her.

Bitterness rose up inside her as she thought about how Adriene had turned down working for the templars. How she herself had gone behind her sister’s back, accepting their jobs in secret, thinking she could take their money without consequences. And now, Adriene of all people, the one of them who had never been dishonest about where she stood, the one who had always held on to her convictions with an iron grip, was about to pay the price for Cassia’s carelessness. 

Whatever it was that Grace wanted from Cassia, she would have to find a way to make sure Adriene was safe first and foremost. As relieved as she had been when the Knight-Commander had immediately agreed to her going on a rescue mission, Cassia was well aware that the small contingent of templars she had with her would make a somewhat peaceful resolution of the situation next to impossible. She was all but certain that no one of her escort had any interest in talking things through. Least of all Ser Oswald, who seemed more like the type to go for the most efficient, most ruthless alternative.

Cassia wasn’t sure what to expect. After a trying night full of meticulous planning for every sentence, every word even, she felt wholly unprepared for this completely different situation now.

Cassia’s trouble with keeping up only grew as they left the beaten path behind and ventured into rougher territory. Sharp stones and uneven ground turned walking without tripping or otherwise hurting herself into a challenge. The light shoes she wore were way too thin for the occasion, and her dress, while perfectly serviceable inside the city, turned watching the ground while walking into its own problem. 

Suddenly, the stone beneath her was less solid than it had looked like. As it shifted, Cassia felt herself slip, losing her balance. Before she could fall, a hand clasped around her upper arm. Ser Oswald’s grip was strong, just on the side of too tight as he hauled her upright with a sneer on his face.

“Don’t break your pretty neck before we’re even halfway there,” he reprimanded her. When Cassia took another second to find her footing again, he let out a cruel laugh. “This is why we keep your lot in Circles. Utterly useless out here in the real world. Doing nothing but slow us down.”

The templars behind them joined him with their laughs and their snickering as Cassia pulled her arm away with a jerk.

“If you had let me change into more practical clothes I wouldn’t slow you down, and you know it,” she hissed back. Back in the Gallows, he had ignored her request to quickly change and had simply dragged her along with no time to further prepare anything.

“Oh, my deepest apologies, Champion,” Oswald sneered. “We absolutely should have wasted our time waiting around for you to dress up instead of going after the hostage right away.”

Cassia sighed. It would do her no good to point out that they would have lost a couple of minutes at best. She was certain that he would twist every single thing she could reply into something to mock her with. Though it seemed like she didn’t even need to say anything for that after all.

With a leer that made her stomach twist, Ser Oswald leaned closer. “But by all means, feel free to ditch the dress if it slows you down that much.” 

Cassia ground her teeth as she narrowed her eyes at him. “I think I’m fine. Let’s move on.”

With another laugh, Ser Oswald took her arm once more, pulling her along as he started moving again. “You better keep up then, or I’ll be forced to help you with that.”

Cassia was about to throw a scathing reply back at him, but his tightening hold on her and the threatening undertone in his voice made her think better of it. She tried her best to keep her face neutral as he kept dragging her along, not slowing down even a little, no matter how much she struggled with the terrain or the pace. Cassia’s lungs started to burn from exhaustion as she tried her best to conserve her energy. She tried to keep her breathing calm, to not give away just how taxing his pace was for her, but the longer they went on, the harder it got.

Her tries at hiding her exhaustion didn’t fool Ser Oswald, though.

“Are we going too fast for your soft mage sensibilities?” he asked mockingly, causing his men to snicker again. “Maybe if you ask us real nice, we could slow down for you.”

Cassia only glared at him, not deigning his obvious bait with an answer before she stubbornly looked back at the path in front of her. 

“Oh, you heard that?” Oswald said a bit louder than before. “She wants us to hurry up and go faster.” 

Cassia stumbled slightly as he picked up the pace, dragging her along with a smarmy grin on his face.

“Maker, you really get a kick out of this, don’t you?” she mumbled quietly, ignoring the sharp pain in her side from breathing too harshly.

“I haven’t even begun kicking you yet,” Oswald shot back, something harsh underneath his fake smile. He was speaking low enough so only she could hear him now. “I gave you a choice and you thought you could bend my rules?”

The sneer was back on his face together with the unsettling look of hunger she had seen on his face the day before already.

“Mark my words, _Champion_ ,” he spat, his usage of her brand new title full of mockery, “I will get what I want in the end. One way or another. And the more you resist, the more I am going to make you suffer through it.”

Cassia bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from answering. It would do her no good in this situation, despite how everything inside her raged to just lash out at the man. Stubbornly, she stared ahead, focusing on keeping up.

Thankfully, he didn’t seem to be in a mood for more conversation either and they marched on quietly until Cassia could spot the entrance to the cave in the distance.

“Alright,” Oswald spoke up as they neared their goal. “The letter asked for you to come alone, so you will go ahead on your own.” His voice sounded remarkably professional all of a sudden. “See what they want and if they can be reasoned with. We will follow quietly but keep out of sight for now.”

Cassia stared at him for a moment, blinking in surprise before she nodded. She had not expected any subtlety from this rescue mission. Let alone an actual chance to try and de-escalate the situation. “Thank you,” she said with reluctant appreciation in her voice. “I will try my best.”

“See that you do!” They way Ser Oswald’s eyebrows rose up and his mouth twitched, threatening to break out into another smug smile told Cassia she might have been too hasty with her thanks. With a thoughtful look, he glanced at the horizon and back to her. “We won’t wait forever. You have until the sun comes up, then we will sweep in and do whatever is necessary.”

Cassia’s hands tightened into fists as she realized that his plan of letting her go in alone first was nothing more but a farce. The sun wasn’t visible yet, but where the sky met the ocean, she could already see the warm glow shimmering on the water. She would have a couple of minutes at best. Oswald had followed her look and was outright grinning at her now.

“You better hurry, you don’t seem to have much time.” With that, he finally let go of her arm, and Cassia knew she couldn’t afford to wait even for another second. Without another glance at the templars behind her, she hurried inside.

The cave was dry and as uninviting as the last time she had been here. Single torches illuminated her path just enough so she could see. From further in, she could hear faint noises and she rushed forward, the sandy ground muffling her footsteps. When she rounded a corner near a small campsite, Cassia saw people hurriedly getting up. A handful of mages and… a templar of all people? Her eyes hurried over the scene until she found her sister. Adriene was lying on the floor, not moving, and for a moment, Cassia felt dread rise up in her. Before she could rush towards Adriene, though, someone stepped into her field of view. Someone familiar. 

She hadn’t seen Grace since she had escorted them back into the Circle years ago. The lines on her face had gotten a bit deeper, but apart from that, she looked almost the same. Except for her eyes. They were cold as ice as they fixed on her, the smile on Grace’s face not reaching them at all.

“You are here! And so soon,” she greeted her with an unsettlingly friendly tone. “This was easier than I thought it would be.”

Cassia had no patience for drawn-out games, not with Adriene being in their hands. “What do you want from me, Grace? Why take my sister?”

Grace narrowed her eyes at her. “I would have taken you directly, but then we stumbled upon her instead and I thought this might work just as well.”

Cassia took in a deep breath as her suspicion felt all but confirmed. “So all this is an elaborate revenge plot of yours?”

There was something sinister in Grace’s eyes as she spoke. “Decimus was right back then, you know? There is no way for a mage to live under Chantry law.” She took a step closer, and Cassia tensed, getting ready to fight if she had to. “Unless you sleep your way up into their good graces, it seems. Then, they even let you play house with them.” Her face twisted into a mask of pure rage. “I’ve been watching you for years, hearing stories, seeing you come and go from the Gallows as you please. Meanwhile, what did I get? What did my people get?” Full of hate, she spat at Cassia. “I tell you what we got for trusting you. Pain, death, and tranquility.”

Cassia was frozen on the spot, desperately searching for the right words to say. What could she even offer under these accusations? It wasn’t like Grace was all that wrong. She was responsible for their fate. She had been the one to talk them into returning. Just as she had been the one to avoid a similar fate again and again, most of it through lies and deceit.

Suddenly, something in her memories started to fit together, to finally make sense.

“You,” Cassia breathed out as she remembered where she had last seen that look, those eyes before. In the Gallows when she had been too out of it to recognize her face. “You were the one that told Ser Oswald about me.”

“Not that it did me much good,” Grace roared, energy cracking around her as her anger seemed to stir up her magic. Cassia flinched, taking a step back as she started to get ready for an attack, but Grace was still talking. “You managed to cheat your way out again.”

“I tried to protect my family!” Cassia said desperately, knowing that it would most likely not make a difference. Not with the way the other mage was looking at her.

“And who protected us?” Grace sneered. “No one did! Not when they randomly took not one but three of our own away to make an example of. And certainly not when Ser Oswald needed someone to let all his anger out. Someone he could humiliate and torture in your stead…”

There was a hitch in Grace’s voice that broke something in Cassia. Tears of anger and regret were forming in her eyes. Anger at the injustice, at Oswald and the pain he caused, and regret at her part about starting them all down this road so many years ago. She couldn’t say anything to the woman in front of her that would make the situation better. There was nothing she could do after all. Nothing she could say that would help or even begin to make up for what had happened. Grace was mad with grief, violent, and definitely had to be stopped. But she was also absolutely right. Justified in her anger. 

“You got what you wanted now,” she said quietly. “I am here. Time to let my sister go.”

Grace’s unsettling smile was back, together with a glint of madness in her eyes. “Yes, you are indeed.”

The lone, familiar-looking templar stepped forward in just that moment. Cassia wasn’t sure just where she had seen him before as he intervened.

“This is not what we agreed on, mage,” he addressed Grace. “You promised me her sister. You had your fun with her, now it is my turn!”

Cassia’s eyes widened in horror as she felt something snap inside her. _Adriene!_

“What have you done to my sister?” she hissed, feeling the familiar tingle of magic on her fingertips. “If you hurt her in any way, your life is over!”

Grace had the audacity to laugh at her. “Too late,” she shrugged casually. “I guess your sister is just another in the long line of people you have failed, then.” Looking at Adriene, she scoffed. “She didn’t even call out for you when I cut her open. Must have known you’d be no good in saving her.”

Cassia saw red at her words. With an anguished scream, she pushed forward, magic exploding out of her in a wave that knocked everyone off their feet. Without even giving it a second thought, she was next to Adriene on the ground, gently shaking her.

“Wake up, come on,” she whispered, but her sister didn’t move. A faint glow was all around her, bathing her skin in a gentle shimmer. A binding spell. Cassia went through the most potent counter spells she could think of in quick succession until one of them did the trick. It took only a moment for the glow to flicker once, and then it was gone. A pained groan came from Adriene as she slowly opened her eyes. Cassia placed her head into her lap, gently pulling a strand of hair away from her sister’s face.

“There you are,” she whispered. “I am sorry I took so long to find you!” Adriene opened her mouth, but a cough was all that came out.

Cassia was so preoccupied with Adriene that she didn’t see the Smite coming until it knocked all air out of her. Everything around her went fuzzy for a moment as she struggled for air. When her vision cleared, she had no time to duck before a fist collided with her face. Pain flickered through her, and she yelled out in distress as the templar that had been with Grace grabbed her and pulled her away. 

“You are not going to ruin this again,” he said menacingly. 

Grace had gotten up again as well, looking angrily from Adriene to Cassia before something cold and unsettling spread over her face.

“How sweet,” she crooned, crouching down next to Adriene. “You’d do anything for your sister, wouldn’t you?”

Cassia couldn’t answer through the pain, but Grace didn’t seem to expect her to. Ignoring Adriene’s sound of distress, she reached for her, pulling her up into a sitting position. With gleeful joy in her eyes, she looked back at Cassia. “You took someone from me, now let’s see how you like your own medicine.”

“Looks like we’ll have to clean up your mess after all.” 

Ser Oswald’s voice cut through the tension. Cassia could see the sudden panic light up in the eyes of the mages behind Grace at the sight of several templars joining the fray. 

For a moment, time seemed to stand still. No one moved, each party assessing the situation quietly. Until Ser Oswald spoke again, looking at Cassia while shaking his head.

“So much for your talent for solving situations without violence. The Knight-Captain really oversold your usefulness.”

At his words, Grace snarled viciously. “You are still working with them?” she nearly screamed in disbelief. “With _him_ of all people?” Her eyes were full of hatred. “You’ve betrayed your own kind for the last time, I will make sure of that!” 

“Cassia…” Adriene whispered, her voice barely audible and her eyes full of pain as she looked at Grace. “Be careful!” 

But it was too late.

The light from the torches reflected on Grace’s hand, and Cassia realized in horror that she was holding a knife. Her own scream mingled with Adriene’s as Grace embedded the knife deeply into Adriene’s stomach. 

Blood soaked through Adriene’s clothes almost immediately. The templar holding her loosened his grip on her in shock, and Cassia surged forward, tearing herself free.

Grace was laughing in front of her, twisting the knife for good measure before smearing Adriene’s blood all over her hands. 

“Blood this powerful is absolutely wasted on people like you,” she said, madness shining brightly in her eyes before she started to mutter an incantation. 

On pure instinct, Cassia drew on her own magic. On what was left of it after the Smite. There was still enough for her to form an icicle. With a pained scream, she put all her force behind it, shooting it straight forward and into Grace’s heart. A muffled, gurgling sound told her she had hit her mark before her eyes even registered Grace’s crumbling body falling over. Before the body could hit the ground, it started to contort in weird angles. A terrifying screech emerged from her lifeless lips as her form changed into that of an abomination right in front of her. But before it had even fully formed, Cassia had already reacted, freezing the creature solid until it stopped moving. 

Cassia was shaking with her whole body, panic still raging in her. She had to save Adriene. Anders had healed her after the Arishok fight. A stab wound like this didn’t have to be fatal, Cassia knew. She could heal her, just like she had done with Fenris. She tried to rush to her side, but a sudden, strong grip around her held her in place. 

“Let me go!” Cassia shouted, trying to twist away, but the arm around her didn’t budge. “I need to save my sister!”

“You need to do what I tell you, haven’t you gotten that yet?” came Oswald’s voice from far too close.

It only made her struggle harder, shouting desperately, “No! Adriene…”

Oswald’s hand closed around her throat, making her gasp for breath as he shushed her. “Your sister doesn’t seem to have a lot of time. All the more important that you do as you’re told if you want to save her.” 

Cassia stilled at his words and his hand moved up to her jaw, forcefully turning her face toward the frozen figure of the abomination that had been Grace. 

“Finish what you started,” he muttered into her ear, and Cassia felt cold all over again as she realized what he wanted her to do. Her fingers twitched with the sudden urge to simply listen. To put a permanent end to the person who had hurt Adriene. Frozen, she was unable to shut out the feelings of wanting to hurt her in turn. As if he could sense them, Oswald continued to talk. “Come on, you know you want to. After what she has done to your sister…”

Cassia knew she shouldn’t listen, but part of her knew he was right. As much as she pretended otherwise, she couldn’t deny that she wanted to return the pain. Wanted to end Grace for what she had done.

“Tick tock, Champion. Your sister’s time is running out…” 

_Save Adriene._ It was all that counted, Cassia told herself as she channeled her magic again, this time into a fist of stone. A moment later, the sharp noise of shattering ice filled the air of the cave. 

Oswald was still holding her, and Cassia couldn’t have looked away if she had wanted to. Yet it was strangely fascinating to watch the ice shatter like glass. The small shards clattering onto the floor started melting almost immediately, soaking the sand on the ground red.

“Ser Oswald, I,” the templar that had been with Grace started carefully, only to be shut down immediately.

“Quiet, Linus!” Oswald growled, and for a moment, Cassia thought she could almost physically feel the anger radiating from the man behind her. Finally, she remembered where she knew the other templar from. He had been the one arresting Adriene back then. The one that had cut her. 

“I gave you specific orders, and you go and do something like this?” Oswald hissed at him. “Helping mages escape?”

Viciously, he turned towards Linus, dragging Cassia around with him. “You’re not done yet,” he whispered into Cassia’s ear. “Him next.” It was a clear order, but Cassia could only stare ahead blindly. Her hesitation made Oswald tighten his grip on her throat. His other hand reached for her arm, raising it up and pointing it directly at Linus. “He is the one that handed your sister over to the blood mages,” he taunted her, and Cassia felt the rage burning through her again as she looked at the man. He was saying something, but Cassia didn’t pay attention to his words. Too loud were the thoughts in her head. He had hurt Adriene. Not once, but several times now. He had given her to Grace, who had... 

Ice formed in her hand, once more taking on the familiar, pointed shape. Oswald’s hold on her wrist tightened as he hissed, “Now, be a good mage and serve your masters!”

Without further thought, Cassia let the ice shoot from her hand straight into the templar’s neck, but somehow it felt like she watched the whole thing from far away. Her eyes were wide as she saw the icicle rip Linus’ throat apart. The look of utter disbelief on his face was almost comical. Out of place. He should have seen this coming, after all, Cassia thought.

“No one tortures my sister and lives,” she whispered quietly to herself as the dead body of Adriene’s tormentor hit the floor. 

“That’s right,” Oswald said sweetly. “Do you see how easy things can be if you just do as you are told?”

The snicker that accompanied his words managed to pull Cassia out of the apathetic drowsiness that had settled around her, and she struggled anew.

“Let me go,” she begged. “I did as you asked, now let me save my sister!”

She could feel his chuckle against her back as his hold on her didn’t let up. “Not so fast,” he said, turning her head towards the mages that had been with Grace. “You are not finished!”

In front of her were three more mages, raising their hands in a pleading gesture as one of them stepped forward. He looked young and frightened.

“Please, have mercy,” he begged. “We had no idea of Grace’s blood magic! Please, you have to believe us! All we wanted was to go home...”

Pleading and affirmative murmurs came from the others, one of them was weeping openly in fear.

“We’ll come quietly if you spare us from Tranquility, please, just… Please.”

Ser Oswald only scoffed. “Shut up, mage,” he said with disgust in his voice, barely giving him a second look. “Go on, Champion. Earn your new place. Give the Knight-Commander the results she so clearly wants.” 

Cassia was locked in place by the pleading fear in the other mages’ eyes. Adriene’s time was running out. Silent tears ran down her face as Cassia felt something in her break at the knowledge that she couldn’t do it. Couldn’t save her. Not if it meant killing innocent people. In the corner of her eye, she could see Linus’ corpse and it sent a shudder through her. She might have become a murderer already, but she found herself unable to go further.

Oswald scoffed behind her. “Don’t have the stomach for it, do you?” he sneered, shaking his head. “We’ll have to teach you better in the future then. But no matter.” He finally let go of her jaw, and with one move from his hand, the men he had brought with him sprung into action. To Cassia’s horror, it was over before she could even fully comprehend what was happening. There was the sound of swords being drawn, desperate cries for help, and then, suddenly, nothing but quiet. More bodies on the ground. Only Ser Oswald’s men were left standing.

“They surrendered…” Cassia managed to croak. As Oswald’s grip on her loosened, she twisted around, tears of anger in her eyes. “They didn’t even try to fight back, and you…”

“Did what you should have done, now that you work for us,” Oswald replied coldly. “Too bad about your sister then, I guess.” And with that, he grabbed her arm again, ready to drag her away with him.

Cassia dug her heels into the ground, trying her best to resist. “You won’t get away with this, I’ll…”

“You’ll do what, tell on me to the Knight-Commander?” Oswald threw his head back with a bellowing laugh. He leaned in close, his free hand touching her cheek in a mockery of a gentle caress. “You are so very beautiful — and so very stupid,” he said with a smug grin. “The more troublesome Champion dying to evil blood magic? This is good news for her. I doubt that she ever intended for this to be a heroic and successful rescue.”

Cassia blanched as she realized that there was some truth to his words. That this was indeed an absolutely perfect situation for the templars. “Why even let me try in the first place then…” Cassia’s voice broke under the strain of pain and disbelief. 

Oswald’s laugh was cruel, cutting painfully into her. “My best guess? To see how well you can follow orders.” Snidely, he looked at the dead bodies. “There is potential I’d say. At least we know you can kill on command. Though that stubbornness has got to go…”

Cassia felt something in her snap at his sardonic tone. With a desperate scream, she threw all her weight against his hold, tearing herself away from him. The force of it made her nearly tumble over. The world around her narrowed. Cassia was blind for everything that wasn’t Adriene as she swayed and stumbled through her next steps, trying not to fall as she broke into a run. She had to reach Adriene. If she only could get to her, she could heal her. Take her home. She just had to reach her. 

The sandy ground was slippery with blood, making her fall, but Cassia didn’t care. She could see it. Her goal. Adriene. She was so close. On hands and knees, she scrambled forward, desperately reaching for her sister. A small sob left her as her fingers closed around something firm and warm, and she blinked through the tears until she could see clearly. It was Adriene’s hand, bloody but solid under her touch, and Cassia wept in relief. 

It was still warm. 

She wasn’t too late. She could still save her. Desperately, she pulled on all her remaining magic, blindly reaching out, trying to find Adriene’s pain when she was suddenly yanked back, an arm back around her throat, and a bruising grip on her side brutally tearing her away. Cassia tried to hold on, to stay close to Adriene, but the blood on Adriene’s hand made her slip through her fingers, the faint thread of freshly formed magic between them ripping from the sudden move.

“No,” Cassia screamed, as she fought against her capturer. “Let me go, I can still save her!” She thrashed wildly, kicking whatever she could, burying her nails into the arm around her throat, but it was of no use. Out of sheer panic, she focused her magic, putting all of her desperation into channeling a burning flame underneath her hands. 

“Oh no, you don’t!” came Oswald’s voice growling from behind her, and Cassia was thrown to the ground. Instantly, she scrambled to get up, but a second later pain blossomed all over her as he struck her with enough strength to make her fall down again. She didn’t get to try for a second time. More pain ran through her body as she felt herself getting struck with several Smites at the same time. 

Cassia would have been hard-pressed to manage one Smite with the state she was in, but the coordinated efforts from Oswald’s men left her with nothing at all. Cold fear closed up her throat as Cassia realized that it was over. There was not a shred of magic left in her. Even if she could manage to get up one more time, she would have nothing to save Adriene with. She had failed. The edges of her vision started to turn dark, and in her quiet desperation, Cassia could do nothing but let herself fall towards the blissful promise of unconsciousness.

But she wasn’t allowed to.

Oswald crouched down next to her, roughly grabbing her hair and pulling her head back to look up at him. The pain on her scalp went through her like needles piercing her skin, pulling her back into reality with a sharp gasp of pain.

“Really, this stubbornness is going to be a problem,” Oswald said with mock concern on his face before he smirked at her. “But don’t you worry, we are going to train that out of you yet.”

He pulled her closer, ignoring Cassia’s soft cry of pain until he could whisper in her ear. “I offered you to keep your family safe, and you went ahead and did something stupid. This is what you get for it.” His moist breath on her ear would have made Cassia gag before, but she lacked the energy to do anything but hold still under his painful grip. “Maybe next time, you’ll make a smarter choice.”

With that, he suddenly let go of her, letting her fall back to the ground into a limp pile of misery. 

“Take her back to the city,” he bellowed at his fellow templars, and a moment later, Cassia felt herself be grabbed by armored hands.

“We’ll pump her full of lyrium once we reach the city, then she can enjoy her Harrowing.”

Cassia closed her eyes as the world around her swayed and she was carried away. It didn’t matter. Hot tears kept flowing out into a river of failure and regret. She wasn’t sure she would ever be able to stop again.

The way back passed by in a blur. Cassia wasn’t certain if she hadn't lost consciousness in between after all. All she knew was that at some point, she was roughly sat down and someone held a flask up at her lips. Before she could think clearly or even try to react, her head was tilted and the cold taste of lyrium filled her mouth. 

Cassia spluttered, desperately swallowing the potion down in an effort to not choke on it. Its effect was almost instantaneous. Energy surged through her, painfully chasing the last remains of haziness away, making her fully alert again. Her hands felt ice-cold almost immediately, but none of the templars around her seemed to notice. 

Everything around her was slightly shaky, and Cassia realized that she was on a boat. They were almost at the Gallows again. Ser Oswald’s face was in front of her the moment she looked up. Far too close for comfort, but Cassia had no way of retreat.

“You better not even think about doing anything but follow my lead,” he murmured quietly. 

“You think I’m gonna lie for you after what you have done?” Cassia’s voice was quiet, but there was no mistaking her tone for anything but defiance as she glared at him.

“What I have done?” Oswald chuckled quietly. “What happened to your sister is on you, I have given you every chance to play nice. Her death is solely on your hands.” He smiled widely at her, and Cassia flinched slightly as he drew a strand of her hair out of her face. “You didn’t take me seriously before, and that is on you too. So I’m giving you the chance to learn from this. Play along, or the next blood on your hands will be that of your daughter.”

He didn’t need to say anything else for Cassia to feel a sense of resignation running through her. All her defiance bled out of her at once. She knew without a doubt that he wasn’t bluffing. That he had won, for now, and that there was nothing at all she could do about it. 

He didn’t say another word as the boat docked and he took her arm, this time decidedly softer than before, to help her disembark. It was a smooth transformation he went through, from sadistic torturer to dutiful soldier who was only doing his job. Under different circumstances, it would have been interesting to watch, but like this, all Cassia could do was try to quell her nausea.

She tried to keep her face blank and her head empty. Willing her thoughts to not stray back to the cave and all the terror she had left behind there. Back to Adriene. _No._ Just thinking about her sister made her almost stumble over her own feet as the grief threatened to overwhelm her.

Before Cassia knew what was happening, they were in front of a pair of large doors, the Knight-Commander coming down the hall to greet them, Cullen right behind her. Cassia could see in his eyes and the involuntary twitch he made that he was fighting hard to keep his decorum. Only then did she realize that she probably looked like hell.

They had fought the Qunari through the night, tried to convince the Knight-Commander not to throw them in jail after that, and then, Cassia had left immediately for her failed rescue mission. There was no mirror around, but Cassia could imagine what she looked like in her stained and torn dress, her hair that had come down hours ago, and the bruises she was sporting if the pain on her cheek was any indicator.

Meredith gave her a once-over with raised eyebrows before turning to Ser Oswald. “Report!”

“We arrived at the hide-out without delay,” Oswald started smoothly. “There were four mages, assumingly from the underground that had managed to kidnap Adriene Hawke, trying to exchange her for their freedom.”

“Well, where is she then?” Cullen interjected, sounding impatient, and Cassia could do nothing but stare ahead blankly as she noticed the hint of worry in his voice.

“Unfortunately the mages were dealing in blood magic,” Oswald elaborated as if he hadn’t just been rudely interrupted. “Their leader used the Champion’s blood to fuel her demonic pact, and we had no choice but to stop them forcefully. They killed the Champion right as we arrived.”

Cullen’s eyes found Cassia, all color gone from his face. “What?” he asked only, disbelief all over his face.

Meredith didn’t seem to share his feelings at all. “How unfortunate,” she said, not a hint of emotion in her voice. Her eyes lingered on Cassia. “My condolences,” she said plainly before turning to Ser Oswald again. “And our other Champion? How did she do?”

“Naturally, she was distressed by the loss of her sister,” Oswald said, sounding generous all of a sudden. “But other than that, she did very well. She took out their leader and killed another one. All in all, a tremendous help.”

Cassia felt the bile rose up her throat at his words, her almost freezing hands clutching into the sides of her dress. She swallowed harshly as Meredith gave her an appreciative look. 

“Is that so?” the Knight-Commander asked, sounding very pleased. “You would agree then that the Harrowing is the next step for her, Ser Oswald?”

“Absolutely,” Oswald answered without hesitation. 

“Knight-Commander,” Cullen jumped in, his face tense as he addressed Meredith who immediately shook her head.

“Cullen, you know very well that I can not let you be part of her Harrowing. Rules are rules, and they are there for a reason. You of all people are usually so adamant about this,” Meredith said with a slightly chiding tone, and Cullen let out a small sigh.

“I am aware, Knight-Commander,” he said, but he was not backing down. “I am not asking to stand over her Harrowing, but may we have a few moments before you take her away?”

Meredith looked surprised for a moment but seemed to be overall in a good mood. “You have five minutes,” she said graciously. “I can’t give you much more, the ritual is already being prepared.”

“Thank you, Knight-Commander.” With a curt nod, Cullen walked past her and gently took Cassia’s arm before leading her a few steps away from the rest of the group. Ser Oswald started to give the Knight-Commander a more detailed version of the events. From what Cassia could still hear as they walked away, what he told her was complete fiction.

Cassia was still walking away when Meredith lowered her voice. It was still audible enough though when she asked, “So, now with less of an audience, how did she actually do?”

Cassia felt a shudder run over her back as it dawned on her that Meredith was way more perceptive than she might have given her credit for.

“She has a lot of potential,” came Ser Oswald’s reply. “A bit stubborn and undisciplined but teachable. Maybe not all by the Knight-Captain, though, he is way too close…”

Their voices drifted off, leaving behind another layer of dread. When they were barely out of earshot, Cullen stopped, pulling her closer, and Cassia went rigid under his touch. 

“Cassia, I am so sorry,” he said softly, his voice cracking in genuine sorrow, but she didn’t quite know how to react. How was she supposed to act now that Adriene was gone and it had been her fault? Giving in to the sorrow inside her, breaking down in tears and sobbing at the loss of one of the most important people in her entire world seemed like something Cassia was no longer allowed to do. The tears that kept burning in her eyes — she had no right to them.

Cullen looked at her, full of sorrow and concern. “Cassia, what happened?” he asked softly. “Can you tell me?”

Her voice sounded rough to her ears as she spoke. Hoarse from all the screaming she had done earlier. “It was Grace, the mage I convinced to go back to the Circle when I started working for you,” she said tonelessly. “I couldn’t stop her. She just…” Her voice broke off as Cassia felt unable to continue. “She wanted revenge for the pain I caused her. Linus was there, too.”

“Linus?” Cullen looked at her in shock. “What was he doing there?”

Cassia shrugged. She still had no idea why he had been there. “I don’t know,” she murmured. “He had helped Grace escape for some reason.”

“But you stopped her?” Cullen asked carefully, his eyes telling her that he wasn’t certain if Oswald had told the truth, and Cassia nodded almost mechanically. “I killed her,” she said tonelessly. “Linus too. I killed two out of the three people that hurt Adriene.”

It gave Cullen pause and he looked at her questioningly. “Two out of three? Who is the third one?”

Cassia looked down at her hands. They still had some blood on them. Adriene’s blood. “Me,” she whispered before she looked up at Cullen again. “I’m the third person. I put her there, and then, when I had the chance to save her, I…” She swallowed down a sob. “I failed her, Cullen, I failed Adriene. My sister is dead, and it is all my fault.”

“Cassia…” There was nothing but pain in Cullen’s voice as his hand came up to gently hold her uninjured cheek. Cassia could sense that he was about to draw her into a tight hug, and she went stiff again, leaning away.

“I can’t, Cullen, not right now,” she said with a desperate plea. Cassia felt hollow inside, brittle. Under the softness of his touch and in the warmth of his arms, she would shatter. And she couldn’t allow herself the luxury of breaking down. Not yet. Not when she had a Harrowing to survive first. “I need to stay strong just a little while longer, or all of this has been for nothing.”

Cullen swallowed before letting out a heavy sigh. “I understand,” he said, before letting his hand drop. He reached for her hand instead, squeezing it tightly, the worry on his face only getting stronger as he felt the cold around her fingers. When she felt the cold starting to retreat she knew it wasn’t just because he held her hands and Cassia shook her head.

“Don’t take too much,” she said. Her voice was quiet but filled with determination. “I might need all the magic I can spare for the Harrowing.” 

Cullen’s eyes widened slightly and he looked stricken for a moment. “I wasn’t trying to…” he started but what exactly he wanted to say Cassia didn’t find out as he shot a brief look over her shoulder before his eyes found hers again. “I can’t be there for you in there,” he said, full of regret, “but is there anything I can do? Tell me what you need, please!”

“Adriene,” Cassia said softly, sending him a pleading look. “Someone needs to go back to the cave and bring her home. I can’t stand the thought of leaving her there all alone…”

Two templars came up to them just at that moment, and Cassia knew they were there to escort her to the Harrowing chamber. 

“I’ll make sure to bring her home,” Cullen said with a heavy voice. He squeezed her hand once more in a quiet promise, and Cassia did her best to squeeze back before she let go of him and wordlessly followed the other templars back towards the large, imposing doors. She felt herself grow colder with every moment. Briefly, Cassia wondered if this was how tranquility felt. The sheer absence of… anything. It was almost strange, thinking back to how the Harrowing had always invoked a deep-seated fear in her. From the warnings of her father through all the things she had learned about the Circle, the Harrowing, more than anything else, had always stood out to her as something terrifying. 

When they opened the doors for her and led her inside, Cassia felt nothing at all.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Letter to Anders](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25178449) by [Kunstpause](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kunstpause/pseuds/Kunstpause)
  * [Reassurance](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25725007) by [Elveny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elveny/pseuds/Elveny), [Kunstpause](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kunstpause/pseuds/Kunstpause)




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